Vice (2018) Script

The following is a true story.

Or as true as it can be given that Dick Cheney is one of the most secretive leaders in history But we did our fucking best.


How you doing tonight?

I need you to get out of the car.

C'mon, let's get out.


Move, get cleared!

Move, clear.

Move, move, move. Clear.

A plane just struck The Pentagon.

Let's make sure those phone lines are working. Phone's are a go sir.

SIVITS. Let's contact the FAA. Find out how many planes are in the air.

Yes. Let's get these televisions working.

May I get the President on the line, please?

That's right. We've got planes in the air nowhere for them to land.

I need permission for them to land at the Canadian airport.

If I go to Pennsylvania on course, and three other planes are unaccounted for.

I am seeing five planes unaccounted for.

No, no. Scratch that, I am seeing four.

I have got three in international air.

I have NOID on the line.

That is correct, he has, that is correct.

Mr. Vice President, POTUS, line 1 sir.

Mr. President.

This situation is extremely fluidic.

Strongly recommending you stay in the air.

I've sequestered Congressional leadership.

Okay then.

Sir, Don Rumsfeld is at The Pentagon, on line 3.

That? Uh huh.

Yes sir.

Dick, are there still passenger planes in the air? I need rules of engagement.

Let's get to President back on line sir.

You have authorization to shoot down any aircraft deemed a threat.

Presidential authority? That is correct.

All orders are UNODIR. UNODIR sir?

Unless otherwise directed.

By all accounts of what people saw in that room on that terrible day, there was confusion, fear, uncertainty, but Dick Cheney saw something else that no one else did...

he saw an opportunity.

As the world becomes more and more confusing, we tend to focus on the things that are right there in front of us.

While ignoring the massive forces that actually change and shape our lives.

With people working longer and longer hours, for less and less.

When we do have free time, the last thing we want is complicated analysis of our government, lobbying, international trade agreements, and tax bills.

So it's no surprise that when a monotone bureaucratic Vice President came to power we hardly noticed.

As he achieved a position of authority that very few leaders in the history of America ever have.

Forever changing the course of history for millions and millions of lives.

And he did it like a ghost.

With most people having no idea who he is or where he came from.

How does a man... go on to become... who he is.

Well... it starts in 1963.

Dick's best girl Lynne was getting straight A's at Colorado College.

Lynne had helped Dick get a scholarship at Yale,

where he did way more drinking than class attending.

Pretty soon Dick got the boot.

Then he went back home to Wyoming where he got a job working as a lineman for the state.

Back then, they would have called a guy like him a nerd-do-well.

In today's parlance I think they would just call him a dirt bag.

Man down!

His leg looks like an Elvis dance move.

Somebody give that poor son of a bitch a shot of whiskey.

Alright, back to work.

I said, back to work!

Take him into town, put $5 in his pocket.

Find another man for tomorrow.

Help.

You got a problem Cheney?

Help me please. No sir.

Are we becoming friends?

Will you stop touching me?

What? What you gonna do about it, Mr. Yale?

The fuck you gonna do about it, Mr. Yale? Come on!


Two times...

Two times!

I have to drag you out of that jail like a... filthy hobo!

I'm sorry, Lynne. What?

What did you just say? I'm sorry, Lynnie.

You're sorry? Don't call me 鈥淟ynnie!鈥?

You're sorry.

One time is 鈥淚'm sorry.鈥?

Two times makes me think that I've picked the wrong man!

You already got your ass thrown out of Yale for drinking... and fighting.

And now you are just gonna be a lush that hangs power lines for the state?

Are you gonna live in a trailer and we're gonna have ten kids?

Is that the plan?! Can we discuss this later... Please?

No. We are gonna discuss this right now, while you smell like vomit and cheap booze.

Does Dick want some coffee? What?

Mum, get out!

Get out! Does Dick want some coffee? Jesus Christ!

OK. Here's my plan.

Right.

Either you stand up straight, and you get your back straight and you have the courage to become someone, or I am gone!

I know a dozen guys and a few Professors at school who would date me!

I love you, Lynne.

Then prove it!

Prove it!

I can't... go to a big Ivy League school! And I can't... run a company or be Mayor! That's just the way the world is for a girl!

I need you.

And right now you're a big fat piss soaked ze-ro!

I've seen my mom waiting up all night for my father to get home and I've seen my father drunk in this house and raising his voice and way worse and I'm not dancing that dance anymore... I'm not!

Do you know why I fuck her?

I'm not.

So, can you change?

Can you change, or am I wasting my goddamn time?

I won't ever disappoint you again Lynne.

鈥淏eware the quiet man. For while others speak, he watches. And while others act, he plans. And when they finally rest... he strikes.鈥?- ANONYMOUS


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Fellowship, you're a train goes back one hundred years.

You were chosen because of your hard work, your diligence and dedication.

State it simply, you are America's best and brightest.

So, let's go forward and learn and be of service.

God bless you all... and God bless this great nation.

And now, I would like to introduce some young man from Illinois who's done quite well for himself here in The Capitol.

Representative... Donald Rumsfeld.

Did Bob tell you that this internship is a great honor?

Huh?

Did he?

Huh? Yeah?

Well... it's not.

It's what we called in the Navy 鈥渁 shit detail.鈥?

Donald Rumsfeld, or Rummy as they called him, was the former captain of the Princeton wrestling team... and an elite navy jet pilot.

Most Congressmen used their power like an axe, Best and brightest.

Rumsfeld on the other hand, used his like a master of the butterfly knives.

And like any master if you got in his way, he would cut you.

This can be a great opportunity.

An opportunity, to work in the hallways of decision making in the most powerful country in the goddamn world.

And if that doesn't give you a hard on, I don't know what will.

Sorry to the, few ladies in the room.

This program didn't use to have girls, now it does.

Anyway, I'm done, whatever you do...

Don't work for Bob over here.

He's the most boring son of a bitch in DC. Isn't that right Bob?

Alright. That's it. Go, get a Congressman a cup of coffee!

And if his wife calls, he's always in a meeting! Alright?

That's it. Scat.

Hey, I'm Alan.

You're the other guy from the university of Wisconsin right?

Right.

So, one of us is supposed to start with a Democrat, the other, a Republican.

Do you care if I go with the Dem cause I did a lot of work with the DNC on campus. Umm...

What party is uh...

The guy we just heard?

Three penises walking down the street. Yeah, you know who are the other two.

Rumsfeld is a Republican.

Perfect, cause uh...

It's what I am.

Don't lurk. Come in dammit.

Dick Cheney... Reporting for work.

You're Congressional relations for my Office of Economic Opportunity.

And you'll assist me in my job as councilor to the President.

Right.

Jesus Christ. You want me to pin your mittens to your sleeves, so you don't fucking lose them? Go!

Oh Cheney, your two DUls came up on your transcript. Don't worry. I vouched for you.

Thank you sir.

No. Thanks are when your neighbor Dottie pulls your pud for the first time.

You owe me.

Yes sir. Go!

The first thing our department did was to conduct a sweeping audit.

At the population distribution across the nation.

You'll see the office of economic opportunity benefits...

You're Rumsfeld's lackey right?

Make sure he sees this.

You gotta get that on Nixon's desk, huh?

Roger Ailes, founder of FOX News.

He first pitched the idea as conservative news when he worked for Nixon as a media consultant.

Hey Don.

Roger wants Nixon to start a republican news TV network.

Forget it. Roger knows TV. But he doesn't know politics.

So I would do this flaming baton trick and Dick would wait backstage with a bucket of water.

So I'm at the State Finals and I throw up the baton... and it doesn't come down.

Shady.

Oh, where did you find her?

It is doing nothing but damage to our private healthcare institutions.

But I still got second place.

White families, males, women, Hispanics, minorities.

You're quiet. I like that.

You don't go blabbing about what cards you have.

I missed my flush draw about a month ago, but everybody still thinks I have pocket kings.

Except maybe fucking Haldeman.

I mostly play hearts, so I'm not...

No, no...

For a man like Donald Rumsfeld, he only wanted three things from his lackey.

He had to keep his mouth shut, do what he was told and always, always... be loyal.

What it means is, Nixon likes me, but his circle hates me.

No, I'm sure that's not true. So...

What's it gonna be? Is it a yes, or a no?

It's a yes.

You don't even know what the question is, do you?

I am assuming... No, no, no. It's OK.

That's exactly the kind of 鈥測es鈥?I was looking for.

Cheney had always been a so so student and a mediocre athlete, But now finally he had found his life's calling.

He would be a dedicated and humble servant to power.

Here's your new office.

No windows, but all you'd see are a bunch of hippies flipping off Nixon.

Alright then.

Now, at this point, you're probably wondering who exactly I am.

Well, let me introduce myself. My name is Kurt.

My favorite football team is The Steelers.

And me and my son, we love Spongebob.

And if you are wondering how I know so much about Dick Cheney, well, let's just say we are... kind of related... We'll get to that later.

Hello. Lynnie... guess where I'm calling from?

I am so proud of you right now Dick Cheney...

I knew I picked the right man. I knew it even when I didn't...

We did it.

Have you seen Nixon?

I did. I met him.

I shook his hand. Oh my gosh.

He gave me that...

That impish smile of his.

I gotta pinch myself.

Pardon my French.

It is the best... fucking feeling... in the world.

I can only imagine, I am so proud of you.

I love you. We are proud of you.

Girls are proud of you. Are you proud of your daddy?

Yes. You say you're proud of your daddy.

Proud of my daddy.

Proud of your daddy, oh my goodness.

Dick Cheney's office.

So now, that I'm not just flipping cards I have a few ideas... Stop.

See that door?

To Kissinger's office?

That's right.

I happen to know that Nixon's in there right now. Now why would Nixon not be meeting Kissinger in the Oval Office?

He's having a conversation he doesn't want to go on the record?

Very good.

What is the conversation?

They're going to bomb Cambodia.

No, no. That's impossible. That needs approval by Congress No. And I go there everyday.

Fuck Congress. Unless you're in it.

Then it's the greatest deliberative body on earth.

But we're not, so fuck it.

But didn't the President campaigned on ending the war?

Shhh, listen to me.

Because of the discussion that Nixon and Kissinger are having right now behind that door, five feet away from us in a couple of days, 10 thousand miles away... a rain of 750 pound bombs dropped from B-52s, twenty thousand feet will hit villages and towns all across Cambodia.

Thousands will die...

The world will change for better, or worse.

That is the kind of power that exists in this squat little ugly building.

Screw Kissinger, he's overrated.

Let's go.

So... what do we...

Spit it out. What are you trying to say?

I mean aren't we against spending... What do we believe?

What do we believe?

What do we believe?!

Oh, that's very good! What do we believe?

Oh, shit!

Like that, through there, you wanna try?

Yeah. You find out what the fish want, in this case it's a worm and then uh... we use it to catch them.

Look here, look here, dad, dad, look.

Family gets to eat.

Is it a good trick we're playing? With the worms?

It's not good, or bad. It's fishing.

I don't want this one hurt.

Dick had taken a job as a political consultant for a large financial firm.

Where he was finally making good money.

He took the job because Nixon's inner circle have had enough of Donald Rumsfeld.

I'm out.

They're sending me to Brussels.

What?

Nixon is making me permanent ambassador to NATO.

Or as he called it, a fuck off assignment.

Kissinger and Haldeman won. I want you to come with me.

I got a four and a seven year old, Donald.

Tell Don we're not moving just because everyone at the White House hates him!

Good boy. I taught you well these past couple of years.

I am sorry Don.

I really am.

Don't worry. I'm like bed bugs.

You have to burn the mattress to get rid of me!

Dick was becoming sharper and sharper as a D.C. insider.

And Lynne had started to write articles and explore ideas for her first novel.

Dick.

Dick.

Then... she received news from back home in Casper.

Lynne's mother Edna, who had avoided the water her whole life, was found drowned in the local Casper Lake.

They said her and Wayne, Lynne's Dad, they had had a nasty argument an hour before.

She doesn't swim, Dick.

My Mother doesn't swim. What happened?

She never swam.

I don't know. She just never swims. And then...

There was never a serious investigation into Lynne's mom's death.

So listen, after this... What should we do? Should we go get some food?

Girls, Lynne. Why don't you go to the car?

Come on girls. Let's... Listen to your Father. Alright?

They getting so beautiful Dick.

It's amazing.

You catching any fish?

How are you Dick?

Things going good in DC?

Don't ever go near my daughters, or my wife again.

Big shot!

Big shot in D.C. Dick!

Sir?

Thanks.

So...

What do you got? Page eight.

Hassan Mustafa Nasser.

A cleric based in Milan, Italy.

He's a member of Al-Gama'a Al-Islamiyya, the group that killed Anwar Sadat. That's The Blind Sheikh, right?

There's some debate at Langley on whether they're a threat, or not. They claim to be peaceful now.

I 鈥渃laim鈥? to be eating healthy.

Okay...

You'll pick him up.


What's the next name?

Well Mr. Vice President, there's been some chatter about an engineering student from Berlin...

I have never been a quitter.

To leave the office before my term is completed, is of harm to every instinct in my body.

But as president, I must put the interest of America first.

America needs a full time president.

Nixon forgot about the voice activated recorders.

He got sloppy.

Is the President being punished? No, no. The President has lot of enemies.

Brussels please...

You need to remember Lizzy... that if you have power, people will always try to take it from you. Always.

Yes Ma'am. Remember that.

Donald Rumsfeld please... This is a tragedy.

That is our president.

This is ridiculous. I actually think this could be very, very good news.

The way I see it, any Republican not touched by Watergate is golden right now.

Ford called me before my plane took off. I think we're in.

Still... driving this chick magnet, huh?

You can always take the bus.

Therefore, I shall resign the presidency effective at noon tomorrow.

Vice President Ford will be sworn in as President at that hour.

So what's the plan? Well, the plan... is to take over the damn place...

Who lit a fire under your ass?

I haven't flipped cards for a long time Don.

They gave me the keys to the damn palace!

Chief of Staff.

Holy shit!

You salty son of a bitch.

You did it.

Part, we have work to do.

Kissinger is trying to kiss and make up with the Soviets.

Well, let's make sure that shit doesn't happen.

Yeah.

If I may, I believe I may have a way to put an ore in the water, on Russia.

What if...

We create... Mr. President.

Come on Henry, let's hear Dick out.

One of Dick Cheney's special super powers, was the ability to make the most wild and extreme ideas sound measured and professional.

What if on a unilateral basis, we all put miniature wigs on our penises and we walked out to the White House lawn, and jerked each other off.

So, like a puppet show, but much more enjoyable?

I do like a good puppet show.

I say we do it.

Henry Kissinger has been relieved as National Security Adviser and replaced by Brent Scowcroft.

They're calling it the Halloween Massacre.

Mr President. Hold on...

Donald Rumsfeld has replaced Secretary of Defense James Schlesinger.

And Dick Cheney has been chosen, as the the youngest Chief of Staff in history! It's amazing. It's a dream.

It's real.

Don... is the youngest Secretary of Defense ever.

Well, I'm not talking about Don, I'm talking about you And I'm going to give you a kiss, right here in the White House.

Excuse me Mr. and Mrs. Cheney. These girls were trying to enter the Oval Office.

Oh dear, oh dear.

Girls... Hey you!

Girls this is not a playground, please do not...

Is this where Santa lives?

It's even better, it's even better.

This... is where the leader of the greatest nation on earth lives.

Are you one of his elves Daddy? In a way, yes.

No he's not Mary. Your Father is Chief of Staff.

Chief... Of Staff.

If you're silly with her she'll grow up to be a silly woman.

Right, of course.

I forgot, that's just that's just silly, Mary.

And as the new Chief of Staff and with the Presidency weakened by Watergate, Dick Cheney wanted to find out exactly how much power did the President have.

I would like to reinstate Executive Authority Now.

Antonin Scalia, a young lawyer with the justice department who would later go on to serve on the Supreme Court, rocked Dick's world.

Interesting you should ask.

Are you familiar with the theory of the unitary executive?

No. Tell me about it.

There is an interpretation that few like myself happen to believe, in Article two of the Constitution that vests the President with absolute executive authority.

And I mean absolute.

Baby, baby... you wanna take Cole to the high chair?

Come on buddy. I've gotta try and explain this thing to the people.

Aren't you hungry?

The Unitary Executive Theory.

Certain legal scholars believed that, if the President does anything it must be legal, because it's the President.

To hell with checks and balances, especially during times of war.

This was the power of kings, pharaohs, dictators.

This is perfect.

Dick Cheney was a foot soldier in the power games of Washington DC.

But with the Unitary Executive Theory, he could become Galactus, devourer of planets.

But then, it was Election Day.

And there was one big problem... Carter is the winner with two hundred and seventy two electoral votes... we have wondered which of us gonna make this announcement James Earl Carter, the next President of the United States.

And just like that... it was all over.

Dick Cheney, the president's chief of staff, he does not have a job.

It can't be. It's got to be some sort of a mistake, or miscalculation.

There goes the neighbourhood.

Well, thank you all.

The Republicans have lost the Presidency.

They are the minority in Congress in most states. With America demanding change

And President Carter went up on the roof of The White House today, to show off the new solar water heaters installed there.

Today, and directly harnessing the power of the sun, we are taking the energy that God gave us.

The most renewable energy that we will ever see.

And using it to replace our dwindling supplies of fossil fuel.

There is no longer any question that solar energy...


Well, not me, not me, sir.

I will become the gentleman from Wyoming.

Most of all, and hear this...

Taxes must go down.

I'll say it again, taxes must go down we must ameliorate pain of taxes for the working man... and bring... perspicacity to the fore.

Thank God for name recognition.

Well, enough of the horsing around.

Although, that is of course, what us cowboys do.

Vote for Cheney in Congress.

I will not let you down, you can count on me.

And uh, thank you, and vote for Cheney... in congress.

Either he drinks next time, or I do.

I, uh...

I don't want anyone to panic, but...

But I do believe I have to go to the hospital.

Now.

It's an inferior wall infarct.

But that can be fixed, right?

If it was up to me you'd drop out of the election.

But you've both made that clear that it's not an option.

So you must have a minimum of two weeks bed rest.

Two weeks off. We'll lose our lead.

Like hell we will.

Dick Cheney has an illness, so he can't be here today.

But we got his his wife.

And she's a darn pretty girl.

Lynne Cheney!

Hello!

Hello, how are you today?

Good, good, good to hear. It's really nice... to be back in my home state.

See, I grew up in Wyoming.

But it seems that somewhere along the line...

Washington DC stopped listening to real folks like us!

And started only listening... to liberal snobs who want us all to lose our jobs to affirmative action!

Okay Lynne...

That's right.

You know, I am... went to New York City, women in New York City are burning their bras.

Well you know what women in Wyoming do with our bras?

We wear them!

We wear them.

Here in Wyoming we believe there is a right and wrong.

Because I'm a mom and a wife from Wyoming.

And I know how it feels to make every penny count.

Not only do I speak for you, but my husband Dick Cheney...

A hard wind of change had been blowing through America.

Civil rights, Roe versus Wade, environmentalism.

But there was a part of the country that was angry about this change.

Thanks to...

My amazing wife...

It's good to be joining you all here in D.C. as Wyoming's sole Congressional Representative!

And then... big money families like the Kochs and the Coors that were sick of paying income taxes, rolled right into Washington DC and started writing fat checks to fund right-wing think tanks.

That would change the way many Americans looked at the world.

Finally in 1980, this unlikely revolution of the super rich and white conservatives found its face.

For those without skills, we will find a way to help them get new skills.

For those without job opportunities, we will stimulate new opportunities particularly in the inner cities where they live.

For those who have abandoned hope, we'll restore hope, and we'll welcome them into a great national crusade... to make America great again!

It was...

The fucking 1980's... and it was a hell of a time to be Dick Cheney.

Vote on HR4445 the undetectable fire arms act to ban plastic guns that can evade metal detectors.

Thank you Congressman Cheney.

I hear you have been quite the ally.


Someone call an ambulance!

Can you breathe? I'm having a heart attack, you idiot...


Very nice to see you.

Thank you.

They're both brilliant, but broke.

Hey Dick! Hello Lynne!

Congratulations on your appointment. Well, thank you Mr. Vice President.

How is your lovely family?

Well, we think our son Jeb seems cut out for office.

We may be asking you for endorsements in a few years.

Oh well, if he's half as charming as you are George, then he'll have both of our votes.

Ah, can I get that in writing? Yeah, yeah, of course.

Dick, I just wanted to say thank you for getting the House not to override the President's veto the fairness doctrine.

Not a problem. Happy to get rid of any big government regulations.

Thank you.

The fairness doctrine was a law from the forties that required any broadcast TV, or radio news to present both sides of an issue equally.

Its repeal would lead to the rise of opinion news.

Let me tell you something, you skinny, human prophylactic.

Love is the only human emotion that you can't fake except women, and thank God they can.

And eventually to the realization of Roger Aile's dream.

FOX news, which would go on to become the no. 1 news station in the United States and swing America even more to the right.

Alright. Lighten up sweet heart! It's a party!

Let me go see, if I can see, if everything's okay over there.

Great to see you both. Love to the girls...

Love to Barbara. Will do.

That's his son. Oh, crap.

George W, the black sheep of the family.

A little too much unconditional love there.

Can you feel it Dick?

Half the room wants to be us the other half fears us.

I know George is next in line but, after that, who knows?

I respect the hell out of Reagan.

But no one has shown the world the true power of the American Presidency.


Excuse me Miss Mary!

You cannot leave the grounds during school hours! Mary!

What, I don't understand you just... left school? Why? It doesn't make sense.

It was Susan...

Susan... Your best friend?

Oh, honey, did you get in a fight over a boy, or...

She broke up with me.

Mom... Dad...

I like girls...

I'm gay.


It doesn't matter sweetheart.

We love you no matter what.

Daddy!

I love you so much. I love you Mary.

This is going to make things... so hard for you.

When George Bush Sr. Was elected President, Dick Cheney was made Secretary of Defense.

Sixth in line to the Presidency.

And after a few years, it was Dick's turn to run for President, so they decided to do some early polling numbers.

Oh, yeah, that's it?

We can move those numbers... just...

Go after the welfare state, regulations, government waste...

I can't put Mary through that.

Every primary opponent will go after her...

And we deny.

Shame them for going after the family and...


Who is calling on a Sunday morning?!

I don't know.

I'm coming.

Hello.

That's right.

Any way I can be of assistance.

Yeah. That should work... 3pm...

Of course...

That... goes without saying...

Thank you.

Thank you.

Who is that?

It was someone from...

George Bush's son's campaign. Jeb?

No. George W... Jeb's Florida.

Right. Right.

Oh, I still can't believe they've got that poor boy running for President.

What they want?

They want to talk to me about being his running mate.

What?

They didn't say it outright, but...

I've made that call myself that's what they want.

Vice President is a nothing job.

Gonna just hear them out.

I owe that to the father.

The VP just sits around, and waits for the President to die. You've said so yourself.

Yeah it's a credit job. Yeah.

That's just a meeting.

Is it just a meeting?

It's just a meeting.

Good.


Yes, Mr. Governor?

Of course.

The Governor will see you now Secretary Cheney.

Sure.

Hey, hello Dick.

Hello, George.

It's been a while. Last year... foreign policy sessions.

That's right. Yeah, that's right.

Those meetings were... very engaging.

Do you remember?

We both agreed my Dad would have been reelected if he had taken out Saddam. Right.

Yeah... War time Presidents very popular.

That they are. That they are.

So...

Congratulations on a... successful primary.

I have... been through a few myself and they can be... Shall we say Fucking exhausting! Right.

It's a grind.

It's a grind, I tell you. Buses, baloney sandwiches...

I like people, but I mean, you know, enough's enough.

So... the call I received... I forgot you're a brass tacks guy aren't you? I like that.

Are you surprised I'm running for President?

He wants to outrace his father.

More than anything.

After my, shall we say, wild years?

Well, Gorge, I sowed some oats myself back in the day.

And still enjoy a cold beer on occasion.

I bet you did.

I bet you did you rascal. Well I can't anymore. It got bad.

Yeah.

Good times.

What does he really want?

What does he need?

It's tough, I tell you...

Lost my first congressional race, that was... not good.

How about some brisket? George... um...

Hey Theresa!

Hey Theresa!

Get some brisket?!

I will find... Get the burnt ends!

'Course. So listen, I've got a... lack of experience problem in the polls and you're one of the most experienced guys around you wanna jump on board and be my Vice?

I'm honored.

Don't be honored. Fucking say yes, Mr. Brass tacks.

I have to say no.

Dick c'mon, we'll have a lot of fun.

What are you doing right now?

You in the private sector? Yeah.

Come on. I know you love politics. No. George.

Let's go. Not gonna happen.

Come on now!

That's a shame. It is.

Perhaps I could... help you find the right running mate.

Run my VP search team? No team. Just me.

Yeah, yeah, that could work.

I'll have to run it by Rove of course, but... if I lose maybe I can become commissioner of baseball, you know!

But the... idea... is to win?!

I'm going to keep you in the back of my mind.

So are you going to tell me how it went today, or not?

It was... very interesting.

He is a...

green.

He's very green.

And you told him no?

I, uh...

I told him I would help with the... search.

What are you thinking?

I can tell you're thinking.

What was Dick Cheney thinking?

I'm thinking I've never seen anything like this.

After his first meeting with George W.

We've had a lot of successes Dick.

The Vice President... is a nothing job.

How many steps ahead was he looking?

How did he feel about the opportunity that was in front of him?

There are... certain moments, so delicate... like a teacup and saucer...

stacked on a teacup and saucer... on a teacup... and saucer.

And on and on.

That this moment could fall in any direction... and change everything.

Sadly there is no real way to know exactly what was going on inside the Cheneys at this history changing moment.

We can't just snap into a Shakespearean Soliloquy that dramatizes every feeling and motivation.

It's just not the way the world works.

My sweet Richard.

Dance'd nimbly round the King's hearth thou hath.

Even whilst clamored I for more, more!

Parched maw craned towards the drip, drip of imagined waters.

But I say to you now, rest, retire.

Thou hast honored thy vows to wife and crown.

Has blindness usurped vision in you my wife?

No mere treaty is our union!

Thou shared thy torch's flame with mine revealing halls and spires of long faded empires.

And now, I, may hold aloft mine own fiery credit to make flesh our bond of power.

Dare I?

Dare I let hope's peak place gathered bramble upon my heart for future's nest?

Many winters past hath I let this hope die, cruel winds silencing tiny birds needy cries.

Now that it hath arrived I say yea, yea!

Yea!

Mine own blood and will are yours, til pierced be the last soldier's breast plate, spilling forth its ruby jellied treasures!

So...

So... I think we... proceed.

What about Mary?

It's VP.

Not the same scrutiny.

He has allies Dick.

Connections. You're new to his world. You don't know the landscape.

I had better conduct a very thorough search.

Every stone. Hell, every grain of sand needs to be looked under for this questionnaire.

Dick, we are asking for... all financials, all medical, all interviews, press, writings, all legal records, family medical and family financials.

And?

Any more 鈥渃omprehensive鈥? and we'd need a rubber glove.

Sorry Liz.

That wasn't offensive. Should I be offended?

I'm offended. Dave didn't worry, if I'd be offended.

Oh, a rubber glove. Like a proctology exam.

That's... that's disgusting. Hello!

Oh. Hello!

David, thoughts?

One... big one.

David Addington, Dicks main legal adviser and a huge believer in the Unitary Executive Theory.

He was known for telling people to their face that they're stupid.

So the...

Vice Presidency is part of the executive branch and because the VP casts tie breaking votes to the Senate also part of the legislative branch, right? Right.

That means, The VP is also... not part of the executive, or the legislative.

So... one could argue that neither branch has oversight of the VP?

Not only could 鈥渙ne鈥?argue that I'm arguing you.

That's brilliant David. I know.

Right?

Carl Rove want me to buy this ranch.

Distance myself from my years at Yale and Harvard.

Make me more of a man of the people for the election.

Smart.

So, we gonna do this thing or what? I mean, is this happening?

No.

I have found some very interesting candidates.

If we could schedule, three hour window to go...

No, I meant you. I want you to be my VP.

You're the solution to my problem. No.

I'm CEO of a large company.

I've been Secretary of Defense, I've been Chief of Staff.

The Vice Presidency is mostly a a symbolic job. Right, right.

I can see how that wouldn't be enticing to you. However...

The Vice Presidency is also defined by The President.

Unless we were to come to a... different understanding...

Uh-huh. Go on.

I'm listening.

I sense that... you're a, kinetic leader. You make decisions based on instinct.

I am. People have said that.

Yeah, yeah, very different. Very different from... your father, in that regard.

Now, Maybe I can handle, some of the more mundane jobs overseeing bureaucracy, managing military, uh energy, uh, foreign policy.

That sounds good.

There won't be the kind of team owner that pulls the starter in the 4th inning. Yeah.

That's the manager's job.

One more thing.

My daughter Mary, Right... Rove told me she likes girls.

Now, I know you'll have to... run against gay marriage, in the south, mid-west and...

it is my daughter, and that line is drawn concrete.

Don't you say another word.

So long as you don't mind us pushing that messaging, we're okay with you sitting that one out.

I think it's important for all the all the Marys in the world, you know?

No problemo. We got a deal?

Then I believe... this can work.

Hot damn!

Well, good.

Hey... let's celebrate!

Cheers!

I realized best choices standing by my side.

Please welcome, my friend and my running mate, Dick Cheney.

Dick never filled out his own 83 question questionnaire.

Full medical records were never handed over.

No tax or corporate filings, nothing.


Gore rescinded his concession.

They're claiming Florida is too close to call.

He can't fucking rescind his concession.

He just did.

Russians are loving this. There is gonna be a recount.

So... How you doing?

What should we do?

We play it like we've already won.

Which means, we need to staff the White House.

Alright.

Who's leading the transition team? I'll do it.

That's not something a Vice President really does, is it?

Uh huh...

It is now.

Gore has called Governor Bush and retracted his concession.

No. No! What!

Wolfowitz.

State, or Pentagon?

Depends on who your Secretary of Defense is.

Rummy. Hundred percent.

Rumsfeld? Doesn't Bush Sr. hate Rummy?

Not such a bad thing with W. He wants to be his own man.

Rumsfeld believes in a robust Executive. That's good for us on war powers.

Just keep him out of state, he'll start World War three.

Halliburton just gave us a 26 million dollar exit package.

Twice of what we expected.

They're no dummies.

Sorry gang.

Thank God. Perhaps I should... go to the hospital.

Oh my God! Are you kidding me?

Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Oh yeah!

All persons having business with the Honorable, the Supreme Court of the United States, are admonished to draw near and give their attention, Oh yeah!

For the Court is now sitting.

God bless the United States and this Honorable Court.

December 12th 2000. Antonin Scalia, remember him?

And the Supreme Court stopped the state of Florida from completing their recount.

George W. Bush and Dick Cheney were going to the White House by a margin of 537 votes.


Hey, hey, little Mary Claire.

Hey little Mary. My little Mary.

Hey, what are you doing?

What are you doing?

Ah, they're both doing really well.

Except I'm trying to make this dinner and it's it's a, Macaroni and Cheese that you said was easy but it keeps just coming out like little watery.

It's the milk, remember. You gotta add more milk.

Yeah, make it thicker.

No, no, no, no.

Yeah, it's much better.

So much, so much I wanna say right now.

You just... You keep doing what you're doing. You're doing so great.

You have earned something very special... from your wife.

Listen! Listen! Listen!

I'm buying wine... and I'm picking something up... Chinese?

OK I, I really love you.

I love you.

Yeah.

Good morning to you too!

We've met a few times, it's nice to see you.

Of course.

Alright, listen...

We get this thing underway...

Scooter, why don't you let everyone know the lay of the land?

Of course. As you all know, I am Scooter Libby, Dick's Chief of Staff...

I'm also his national security adviser and a special adviser to the President.

Technically, Scooter outranks any of Bush's people.

Mary Matlin will serve as councilor to the VP and assistant to Bush.

David Addington Dick's main legal counsel, will play center field on all matters relating to executive power.

The President has Alberto Gonzales, Karl Rove, Karen Hughes as his team.

Quite frankly Gonzales has no clue, Rove is a hack, Hughes should be in double A ball.

So, we will have fairly unobstructed access to the Oval office.

We will be automatically BCC'd on all e-mails that the President receives, or sends, as well as have access to his schedule the second it is set, or changed.

We'll also be receiving the daily intelligence briefing before the President and it gets us inside the decision curve.

Which will actually be reading.

Bush approved all of this?

We have... an understanding.

What about the e-mails? Paper shredders don't work for e-mails.

The entire administration will run off of the RNC's private server.

And we've deactivated automatic archiving.

We're clean.

Okay, so over at The Pentagon we have Don...

Secretary of Defense.

Paul Wolfowitz, who worked with Team B in the Ford days, Deputy Secretary of Defense.

Let's check, see, what plans they have to invade Iraq.

It's already in the works.

Got Ashcroft over at the DOJ.

State, seems to be the only tricky department. That's Colin Powell his guy Lawrence Wilkerson.

Collin Powell who never run a camp he didn't like.

Wilkerson is a true believer.

We've got Bolton over there. He's a loose cannon, but he's loyal.

I want to get Liz in there as well. Let's make sure that happens.

OK Dick, consider it done.

And this list of

鈥渙ur鈥?people doesn't include about 800 others lobbyists, industry insiders that we placed in the regulatory jobs.

What about Bush's friends? Ridge, Pataki, Thompson?

I haven't heard their names.

No, they were not... offered jobs in this administration at this time.

鈥淣ot offered jobs at this time?鈥?Are you even more ruthless, than you used to be there Dick?

You're just not getting laid.

Alright, moving on! We got Paul O'Neill.

You haven't been here over 20 years.

Times have changed.

We have softer touch, that's the norm now.

We have the conservative TV radio, doing the yelling for us Is your old friend embarrassing you? Is that it Dick?

Soft touch.

That's all.

Alright. I have to go to my office at the House of Representatives.

You mean the senate, Vice President, tie breaker in the senate.

Nope, I mean the house.

Dick Cheney had used an old connection with former wrestling coach and speaker of the house, Dennis Hastert to get an office at the House of Representatives.

The house is where revenue bills originate and he wanted to be near the money faucet.

Hey Dick!

Will this work for you?

Two more offices in the Senate...

Hey Dick. I found this extra office. I hope it works for you.

One in the Pentagon.

Welcome to your new home away from home.

I got you a little house warming gift.

And later when Cheney needed intelligence to invade Iraq, a conference room at the CIA.

The room is soundproof and secure.

Cheney was everywhere.

But the most powerful place in all of DC was a non descript conference room for relatively new think tank called Americans for Tax Reform.

Grover Norquist ran the anti-tax group with huge funding from the Koch brothers network big oil and big tobacco.

His Wednesday meeting as it was called had become the center of the Republican world.

Well, let's go ahead and start with the estate tax.

Now this has been hard to eliminate because the tax only affects those estates with over 2 million.

But we have made strides and marketing guru Frank Luntz is here to help.

Hello all.

Getting regular people to support cutting taxes on the very wealthy has always been extremely hard.

We have had some success in the past.

But these estate taxes has always been very difficult.

However...

I think we may have had a breakthrough.

Now, the Estate Tax kicks in on anyone inheriting over $2 Million dollars.

How many of you have a problem with that?

Okay.

How many of you would have a problem with something called a

鈥渄eath tax?鈥?

Instead of global warming, which we all agree sounds very scary, we call it climate change.

Folks, the government is taking your money after you die!

It's a death tax...

The death tax has to go.

The elite liberals at Washington would tax us for laughing, or crying if they could.

So with one of the biggest media and political machines ever created behind him Cheney was able to squash action on Global Warming cut taxes for the super rich and got regulations for massive corporations.

And then there was Cheney's National Energy Policy Development Group.

His first major test to expand executive power.

I don't understand what the goddamn problem is!

I want to hear what the energy CEOs need and I'm not allowed to?

It's called FACA.

The hell is FACA? It's the Federal Advisory Committees Act.

Congress got their panties in a bunch that you know, elected officials would just let CEOs roll in and, you know, write the laws.

The Act demands that appropriate government employees... be present.

Hold on a second.

What's your name?

Doug.

Doug, how long have you been working reception at the Department of Energy?

Three months?

Perfect.

So what am I supposed to do here?

Just sit there and be quiet.

Got it.

Gentlemen,

Hello...

...

How's... How's the business at...

We're good. Our stock...

And California has been really... since the regulation. Great to hear.

Oh...

He's with the Energy Department.

The details of Cheney's meetings with the energy CEO's were never disclosed.

But, a freedom of information request did provide some documents including a map of Iraq's oil fields with all of the oil companies that would be interested in acquiring them if somehow they were ever to become available.

And then, it happened.

Would you like to lower your monthly mortgage payments?

Or use the equity in your home to consolidate your credit card or other debts?

Just log on...

Yeah, this just in, you are looking at obviously a very disturbing live shot there that is the World Trade Center and we have unconfirmed reports this morning that a plane has crashed into one of the towers.

It does not appear that there is any kind of an effort up there yet.

Now, remember, oh my God!

That looks like a second plane.

Vice President, we have information that a plane is headed to the White House at this moment.

We have less than a minute to get to the secure underground bunker. Let's go! Move!

Move!

Move, it's clear.

Move. The Capitol is being evacuated, we're told. And clearly that shot, that we have on our screen now this is the the Pentagon, just across the river from Washington D.C. you gotta believe...

I need you to take me to Dick.

Mrs. Cheney, we cannot go back to the White House.

I'm being told no one is to go to the White House. It is not safe.

You got the Prime Minister yet?

Canada's Prime minister's on the phone. That's right, we got planes in the air nowhere for them to land.

Permission for them to land at Canadian Airports.

International flights into Newfoundland.

Sir, Don Rumsfeld is at the Pentagon, line 2.

That? Uh huh, yes sir.

You have authorization to shoot down any aircraft deemed a threat.

Presidential authority?

That is correct. All orders are UNODIR.

UNODIR sir? Unless otherwise directed.

Mr. Vice President are we sure these are the proper rules of engagement?

The country's under attack, the ROE is fluid. David?

Now we don't know what exactly what the people in that room were thinking but it's safe to assume that at least one person wondered why, in the midst of the most fateful day in American history, was Dick Cheney talking to his lawyer?

Mr. Vice President, Mr. Vice President, the Congressional Members you sent to Mount Weather Emergency Operations Center want to leave. Nope.

Excuse me?

They're not going anywhere. Just tell them, we've all the helicopters.

Yes, sir.

Thank you very much for your call Mr. Prime Minister, we have the situation under control.

Are we at war?

Yes we are. With whom?


We've picked up chatter from well known Al-Qaeda operatives celebrating today's attack.

We shouldn't rule out Iraq.

What's Al-Qaeda's Leader's name? His name is Osama Bin Laden.

But this is clearly Al-Qaeda. I've been tracking their movements for years. They're fingerprints are all over this.

Iraq has all the good targets.

Iraq has nothing to do with this, Don.

Richard you don't know that for sure. I do know...

Mr. President, if I may, Afghanistan is Al-Qaeda's headquarters. That is where our focus should be.

And the CIA would be capable of taking out the Taliban's power structure?

Yeah, all due respect, George, Mr. President, we are the Pentagon.

And this is what we do. Don...

OK. We'll...

We'll go with Tenet and the CIA.

I'll make some calls to our allies.

Thank you, sir.

Given the current situation Mr. President it is wise that we not be in the same location for, COG.

Continuity of Government.

Of course.

We're gonna be alright on this... Are we?

Yes sir.

Yes, we are.

Angler has taken off to an undisclosed location. I repeat, Angler is airborne.

Angler? That's the VP?

I thought only the President could land and take off from the south lawn?

What can I tell you? Today's fucked.


This intelligence has been edited redacted and reduced.

Mr. Vice President, usually we vet the daily intelligence threat matrix to eliminate unreliable sources, non-players Stop! Don't you dare.

Give me a damn disquisition on what I cannot hear.

Mr Vice President, a lot of this intelligence is not verified.

I'm gonna say this for the last time. I want to hear everything.

Everyday, from now on. Yes sir.

Proceed.

We're tracking the possibility of bio-attacks using sarin gas, cow pox, Ebola...

There was a post on a darkweb site about mass beheadings in residential areas.

Movie studios, museums, subways, day care centers may all be targets.

A source has told me asset about fire bombs targeting hospitals.

A video was captured describing televised executions interrupting American network TV.

Water filtration plants targeting bio-weapons...


I'm scared Dick...

I'll always take care of you, Lynne.

You know that.

What are you going to do?


So while Powell, the CIA and their international coalition toppled the Taliban and took Afghanistan in a matter of weeks Cheney found something much more powerful, than missiles, or jet planes.

Mr. Vice President, this is John Yoo.

It's a pleasure to meet you Mr. Vice President.

So, David told me you're looking for... executive authority.

John, here is definitely your guy.

Now, the war we are now fighting will require resources and abilities that the current interpretation of the law impedes.

The Vice President believes it is the duty of The Commander in Chief to protect the Nation.

And that no other obligation whether the Congress, or existing treaties supersedes that duty.

How do you feel about that statement?

I couldn't agree more.

John Yoo's first legal opinion allowed the US government to monitor every citizen's phone calls, texts and e-mails without a warrant.

It was a giant legal leap based on sketchy law at best.

But John Yoo's masterpiece, his Moby Dick, if you will was the torture memo.

What about the Geneva Convention?

Geneva Convention is open to... interpretation.

What exactly does that mean?

Stress positions, water boarding, confined spaces, dogs.

We're calling it enhanced interrogation.


Good evening, gentlemen.

Tonight we are offering the enemy combatant whereby a person is not a prisoner of war, or a criminal which means of course he has absolutely no protection under the law.

We are also offering an extraordinary rendition where suspects are abducted without record on foreign soil and taken to foreign prisons in countries that still torture.

Well, that sounds delicious.

We also have Guantanamo Bay, which is very, very complicated but it does allow you to operate outside the purview of due process on land which isn't technically US territory but where we still do have control.

And also we have a very fresh and delicious War Powers Act interpretation, which gives the executive branch broad power to attack nations, or people who are deems still possibly a threat.

We have the fact that under the Unitary Executive Theory, if the President does anything it must be legal.

Which of course means you can do whatever the fuck you want.

Sir, gentlemen, which would you?

We'll... we'll have them all.

Excellent choice.

Look, Dick... we've been working with these focus groups, advertising executives to try and sell the war on terror.

To reiterate, we are still being recorded and there still may or may not be clients back behind the two way mirror.

These guys are pretty sharp.

There's a problem. The results show that people are confused.

You all support the President.

You hate terrorism.

Yet, you're still confused.

Can you tell me why?

Anybody?

Don't we just have to just get Osama bin Laden? He did it.

So why are they calling it a war? A war with who?

OK, thank you, Mark. Uh...

Jasmine, jump in please.

I don't get what this Al-Qaeda is.

Are they a country? Like why can't we just bomb them?

That's really interesting. Um...

Is anybody else confused about what Al-Queda is?

Show off hands please.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6... that's a lot of you.

Right?

Would it be less confusing if it was a country?

Damn right. I'm angry as hell.

We've gotta fuck someone up.

Got it, Marcus. Really strong feelings from Marc, I'm interested, does anybody else feels the same.

They understand we are at war, but they don't know against who.

They want a country.

It's cleaner, simpler.

That would certainly help us legally.

Looks like it's time to take Iraq.

It is about goddamn time.

It's called the Office of Special Plans.

Tenet is not yet serious enough about the threat that Saddam poses the global war on terror.

But I can promise you that this intelligence group will be.

Wolfie, I got something.

I think that's an excellent idea.

Go on take that motherfucker Saddam down for a long time.

Here's a report that says Mohamed Atta one of the 9/11 hijackers may have met with an Iraqi spy in Prague.

It's really a strong statement, does anybody agree with that statement?

Wait a minute, we can't just bomb people.

It's from Czech intelligence and they question its credibility.

I've been to Prague. They question everything.

Who wants to be an 鈥渁nonymous source?鈥?

Make sure you work in the phrase

鈥渨e don't want the smoking gun to be a mushroom cloud.鈥?

That focus group through the roof!

There will always be uncertainty about when he'll acquire nuclear weapons.

But we don't want the smoking gun to be a mushroom cloud. There is a smoking gun, or a mushroom cloud... if we're waiting too long...

There is no doubt that Saddam Hussein now has Weapons of Mass destruction.

We gotta get rid of this dictator. He's got anthrax. He's got all these weapons.

There is no doubt, he is amassing them to use them against our friends.

Against our allies... And against us.

When and not if, but when Saddam creates and uses his nuclear weapons... what will we tell the American people?

Saddam Hussein will continue to increase his capacity to wage biological and chemical warfare.

To show that we will stand up for what we know to be right.

To show that we will confront the tyrannies and dictatorships and terrorists who put our way of life at risk.

Tribe has spoken.

Polling for an invasion of Iraq is at fifty three percent.

Focus groups show people still aren't sure about a connection between Saddam and Al-Qaeda.

And the France and Germany have both said that they will not join our coalition.

And neither will Israel.

Harry and I, we went to the wall together.

We conned. We prayed together.

Israel is one of our closest allies.

They said an invasion of Iraq would destabilize the region, Sir. And... they don't believe Saddam is an immediate threat.

That's not good.

I really want a strong coalition for this.

I have an idea.

Secretary Powell has the highest trustworthy ratings of all of us.

What if he gave an address to the U.N. and the American people to push this over the finish line?

Karl, I've been very vocal, very vocal, about my reservations about invading Iraq.

No! Colin, you're such a nervous Nellie.

We're talking about invading a sovereign nation without any provocation Don!

It's a sovereign nation, Don.

What's the exit strategy? What about the intelligence.

Does the intelligence matter to you at all?

You break it, you bought it.

You break it, you bought it!

Hey, hey, hey, alright.

Let's slow down.

That's enough of that guys.

Are you going to take Saddam down, or not?

You are the President.

War... is yours.

Not... the U.N. or some coalition. Do not share powers that are yours alone.

George, make sure Powell sees the intelligence.

Sir. Colin I want you to make that speech.

I'm President and I want this to happen!

Yes sir.

I look forward to being briefed on that intelligence.

On another note, I've been handed a credible report of a small terrorist enclave in Northeastern Iraq.

If we're going to invade we suggest taking it out before.

Let it go, George, we have bigger fish to fry.

Let me see that intelligence.

Of course.

That... classified document described a terrorist named Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi who had started as a drug dealer and pimp before becoming fully radicalized in a Jordanian prison.

Zarqawi went to meet Bin Laden in Afghanistan.

Did he, or did he not meet with Al-Qaeda?

But Zarqawi had vowed to kill all Shia Muslims and Bin Laden's mother was Shia so the meeting didn't go over well.

They had no operational contact. Hogwash.

Larry... have you seen this speech?

Yes sir. It's beyond thin.

I saw at least five pieces of disproved Intel in there.

Who wrote it?

They said it was the President, but I think you can guess who really wrote it.

No, there's no need to yell, Larry.

Yeah, look.

Well, we'll review the speech and give some notes.

Powell really doesn't have a clue. Does he?

After the US invaded Afghanistan Zarqawi set up shop in Iraq.

It was the only connection Cheney had between Al-Qaeda and Iraq.

The Security Counsel will now begin its consideration of item 2 of the agenda.

I call now on the distinguished Secretary of State of the United States of America, his excellency Mr. Colin Powell.

My purpose here today is to share with you what the United States knows about Iraq's weapons of mass destruction as well as Iraq's involvement in terrorism.

Iraq today harbors a deadly terrorist network headed by Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi an associate and collaborator of Osama Bin Laden. Powell's UN Address was seen by millions of Americas.

But other people were watching as well.

Collaborator of Osama Bin Laden and his Al-Qaeda lieutenants.

Zarqawi's activities are not confined...

The great general of America saying his name over and over again immediately made Zarqawi a star.

Allahu Akbar!

Within a day he had gone into hiding Allahu Akbar!

Allahu Akbar!

An Al-Qaeda source tells us that Saddam and Bin Laden reached an understanding that Al-Qaeda would no longer support activities against Baghdad.

By the time we invaded Iraq

70% of Americans thought that Saddam Hussein was involved in 9/11.

Later... Colin Powell would call the speech the most painful moment of his life.

Thank you, sir.

I just push for it, and it was Justin right?

No, Kelly, right? And then Justin.

What are you talking about?

American Idol, dad.

You've seen it. We watched it at your house.

The singing and the mean judge.

Oh, I like him.

How do you stop a fish from smelling?

You just cut off its nose.

Honestly, was I inspired because...

No, we are not revisiting your father's colorful conversations.


Yeah, yeah.

Bring it a little closer, yeah.

How's my hair?

We are five, four, three...

My fellow citizens, at this hour, American and coalition forces are in the early stages of military operations to disarm Iraq, to free its people and to defend the world from grave danger.

On my orders, coalition forces have begun striking selected targets of military importance to undermine Saddam Hussein's ability to wage war.

These are opening stages of what will be a broad and concerted campaign.

To all of the men and women of the United States armed forces now in the Middle East, the peace of a troubled world and the hopes of an oppressed people...


The statement from The White House President Bush regards this as an historic moment.

The scenes on TV show, the thirst of freedom is unquenchable.

USA! USA! USA! USA!

Hi.

Seems like they've been shipping men and equipment out of Afghanistan into Iraq.

And at the moment we're a little unsure of what's going on.

I don't want you to worry about me.

Major Combat operations in Iraq have ended.

In the Battle of Iraq the United States and our allies have prevailed.

We have concerns over Halliburton KBR's billing practices.

As you know, the no-bid contracts they received were quite sizable and now... Well...

We're not concerned. Are we? Not at all.

The Secretary of Defense and the Vice President just said they're not concerned.

Now can we please talk about Iran?

To this day, Dick Cheney has never apologized for this incident.

Jesus, Dick...

But, someone else did.

My family and I are deeply sorry for all that Vice President Cheney and his family have had to go through this past week.

We send our love and respect to them.

And we hope that he will continue to come to Texas and seek the relaxation that he deserves.

So, this...

Joe Wilson, asshole, is questioning our intelligence in the New York Times?

What's his wife's name again?

Valerie Plame. I confirmed it. She's undercover CIA.

Leak it.

Okay, okay, like... they don't care about their dogs, man.

I mean, they shoot them, they let'em run wild...

What kind of a man don't love a dog?

People in India love cows.

They would look at us and how we treat cows and think the same thing.

With all due respect that sounds like some liberal ass scratching bullshit.

Linda,

Look at this crap. Goddammit.

Hello Don.

That report says Zarqawi, the same fucking Zarqawi we talked up for months, is now leading a major insurgency in Iraq.

And the implication is it's because we talked him up!

Has POTUS seen this? No, no.

No I, I, intercepted it before it got across the hallway.

This is generated by an analyst. Get me Tenet.

This stops here.

Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi had taken his fame from Powell's UN speech and turned it into his own new thing.

The Islamic State of Iraq and Levant or ISIS.

And because that intelligence somehow found itself on the bottom of a stack of papers, Zarqawi had a whole year to just do whatever the hell he wanted.

And what he wanted was carnage.

Shia versus Sunni, the West versus Islam

and death versus life.

And on top of that the US forces couldn't find any WMD's or nuclear programs in Iraq.

Turns out that Saddam and his son's mostly liked cocaine and American movies from the 80's.

Vice President Dick Cheney is being sued by Valerie Plame and her husband Joseph Wilson.

The White House announced four cabinet resignations including that of Secretary of State Colin Powell.

Dick, Look, I hope there's no hard feelings about us investigating the no-bid Iraq contract for Halliburton.

You know, I'm just doing my job.

Go fuck yourself.

Dick Cheney, emerges from the dugout on the third base side.


Dick Cheney, a little bit low on the outside.

Much of the intelligence from the Iraq war now proven to be false.

There is a chorus of people calling for Vice President Dick Cheney to step aside and resign.

Go away!

I swear to God this whole place is turning against me.

Where are you?

I'm in an empty office just trying to get a clean phone line. Listen, if we could just get an air bombardment in Iraq, I think it'll make a statement.

And it would give us some political cover.

It's over Don.

What's that?

What is?

It's over. The President wants you to step down.

He appreciates your service.

Don,

Well...

Does Bush's kid want me out, or do you?

I can't win every fight Don. You are a little piece of shit.

Wow, how did you become such a cold son of a bitch!

Sorry Don.

I really am.

Well, you know how I know you're not?

Cause I wouldn't be.

Think they'll prosecute us?

Okay then.

Okay then.


I Barrack Hussein Obama, do solemnly swear that I will, execute the office of President to the United States faithfully.

A few years later Dick's heart trouble started up again.

With no donor available, he finally found himself at death's door.

I wish I had better news.

Your heart just isn't pumping enough oxygen to keep your vital organs alive.

Should I call for a Minister? No.

No. He's not going anywhere.

Okay then.

Dick Cheney, you are not going anywhere, do you hear me?

You are not going anywhere. This may be the... one time I can't do what your Mother says. Girls...

I love you Dad. I love you Mary.

I love you Lizzy.

I love you girls.

So, Dick Cheney told his family that he was ready to die and that he wasn't afraid.

Told them he had lived a full life.

And he had zero regrets...


Vice President Cheney, cross your arms please.

There you go, OK, on count of three One, two, three.

They say my heart could give him another ten years.

Cheney doesn't like to refer to it as someone else's heart, he likes to refer to it as his new heart.

Which, even though I'm dead, I have to say it still makes me feel pretty shitty.

And so, when Liz decided to run for one of Wyoming two senate seats against Republican incumbent Mike Enzi, our Dick was right there to hopefully see the Cheney legacy of power continue.

Are you aware Wyoming Senate candidate Liz Cheney supports gay marriage?

Her sister is married to another woman and Liz Chenny refuses to support a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage.

Instead she equivocates claiming it's a state's right issue.

Don't you agree, Wyoming deserves a Senator who believes marriage should be between a man and a woman.

These calls went to every house in Wyoming.

Every single house.

I will never win!

What are we gonna do?

We're joined here today by Liz Cheney who is running for the Senate from the state of Wyoming. According to one poll she is behind by double digits.

Welcome.

Thank you for having me here Chris. Great being with you. And may I point out there are other polls that have me much closer.

Your opponent Senator Mike Enzi claims that you support gay marriage. In part because you support your gay sister Mary's union with her wife. How do you respond?

Let me be very, very clear I do not support gay marriage.

I believe that marriage is between a man and a woman.

But you've always claimed gay marriage is a state issue.

Your opponent claims this is an equivocation.

Cut me aorta. Do you have the specimen bowl ready?

It's on the field.

Alright. Here's the heart.

I know that Liz wouldn't have done any of this if you and Dad didn't approve. So, I can't believe you would do this. I really thought there was a limit to...

No, now you're just being hysterical.

I can't talk to you when you get this way. You need to settle down.

Okay?

You're being hysterical.


Dad?


Patient's heart rate is stable.

Blood pressure increasing.

I'm gonna notify the family. What should I tell them?

Tell them the patient's doing well. Okay.


Mr. Vice President.

This must be the right place. Yes.

Hello Martha. Hi.

Nice to meet you. Pleasure.

Sit right there.

So, um... is it gonna be just me on camera, or...

Primarily you. A'right, cut back to me.

Eddie's got you on the 鈥淎鈥?camera. I'm just gonna bench.


Ready?

Two-thirds of Americans say the Iraq war is not worth fighting.

And their looking at the value gained versus the cost of American lives.

And Iraqi lives.

So?

So... don't you care what the American People think?

No...

I think you cannot be blown off course.

I can feel your recriminations and your judgment.

And I am fine with it.

You want to be loved, go be a movie star.

The world is as you find it.

You gotta deal with that reality.

And there are monsters in this world.

We saw three thousand innocent people burned to death by those monsters. And yet, you object, when I refuse to kiss those monsters on the cheek and say, 鈥減retty please.鈥?

You answer me this, what terrorist attack would you have let go forward so you wouldn't seem like a mean and nasty fella?

I will not apologise for keeping your families safe.

And I will not apologise for doing what needed to be done so that your loved ones can sleep peacefully at night.

It has been my honor to be your servant.

You chose me and I did what you asked.


Sorry to interrupt, but Mark wanted to share something with everyone.

Something's been bothering me this whole movie and I just figured it out.

The whole thing is liberal.

It's got a liberal bias.

Interesting. Does anyone else feel that way?

One, two, three, four people. Yeah, go ahead.

This is all facts.

Right? I mean, they had to vet all this.

How does it make it what's...

You would say that libtard.

OK. I'm sorry.

So because I have the ability to understand facts, that makes me a liberal?

OK guys, let's just take it down.

You probably like Killary!

Let's just take it down a notch, or two. OK?

OK, first of all, Hillary's not President!

OK, the orange cheeto that you hired is the President.

And he's ruining the country that you claim to love!

You chicken shit!

Stop the fight! Knock it off!

I can't wait to see the new FAST AND THE FURIOUS MOVIE. That looks lit!