Vice Versa (1988) Script

Good morning, Mr. Seymour. Morning.

Good morning, Mr. Seymour. Morning, Angela.

Morning, Mr. Seymour. Morning.

Good morning, Mr. Seymour. Morning.

Charlie, let's go! Is Dad coming tonight, Mom?

Oh, well, I left a message on his machine.

All right. Call him again. Sometimes he forgets.

Okay. See you, Cliff.

See you, Charlie.

Bye-bye, sweetheart. Bye, Mom.


I have to get budget approval for this South China Seas thing.

That means we have to go over your wish list.

Well, not now. I'm looking at furs at 10 and I've got menswear people in from Atlanta.

Where were you this morning? I woke up and you'd gone.

I told you I had my exercise class.


Bye. Bye.

Morning, Sam. Hi, Sam.

Yo, Marshall. Yo, Marshall.

I hear he's taking Sam on this Far East junket.

She's a fashion buyer. She's a logical choice.

So the fact that he's boffing her has nothing to do with it?

I said she's a logical choice. Oh, cute. Cute.

Confirm lunch with Davidson.

He's from L.A. you'd better make it sushi.

Oh, listen. I'm going to my kid's concert.

You gotta have me out of here by 5.

Good morning.

* On the day I was born

* The nurses All gathered 'round *

* To gaze In wide wonder... **


* Gloria *

* In excelsis deo **


Everybody thought you were great.

See you later. Bye. Yeah.

Hi, Charlie. Charlie.

Hi, Dad.

Charlie, what can I say?

You can't believe the problems I had.

Hey, when I get back from my trip, you're coming to stay with me, right?

Yeah. When Mom's on vacation?

Charlie, I'm gonna make it up to you. I swear.

That's okay, Dad.

We've played better.

I guess I'll just have to buy the album.

Hi. Come on, Charlie.

If we're gonna get a pizza, we gotta move it.

Let's go, Charlie.

My friends, ladies and gentlemen.

Welcome, Mr. Seymour, Miss Crespi, to Thailand.

We hope you love our country and buy so many things to take back to America.

Cheers. Cheers. Thank you.

Goddamn it...


Ah, Mr. Turk, long time. Long time.

Yeah, yeah.

If this business doesn't kill me, the stairs will.

I hope the climb was worth it.

Same old Mr. Turk. Yeah, right.

You look good.

Yeah, a regular movie star.

What do you got for me?

Always business first, huh, Mr. Turk?

What's with Imelda?

Nothing. Old Lady. Superstitious.

It's real gold. Yes.

Very rare. From Tibet.

The lamas believe in reincarnation.

They use it in religious ceremonies to change the house of spirit.

Don't try to up the ante with that tourist bullshit, Kwo.

Five grand.

Five thousand dollars?! Pure gold! Precious stone!

I think in America you get $100,000.

You know how many payoffs I gotta make to get this to America?

The Thais come down harder on art lovers like me than they do on dope dealers.

Five grand. Take it or leave it.

What did you say?

I tell him this one's fragile, so take great care.

Hey, I want this to go with the rest of the samples. $1.50.

I bought every one the guy had.

The store puts a lampshade on this retails for, what do you think, 75, 80?

Nothing like a 600-percent markup to put a smile on your face.

These will all be on our flight tomorrow?

Yes. Government deal.

No problem with customs.

Okay, I'd like this to go too, please.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Excuse me. Incredibly sorry.

Where the hell did they come from?

They weren't there when I went to the phone.

You've been gone for a half an hour, Marshall.

I swear to God, that's it for work. How are the drinks?

Look at you. You're lethal, right?

Can we have a couple more of these?

I have plans for tonight.

Tonight, we're going to experience the wonder of Marshall Seymour in the Orient.

I promise.

If you don't, I'm gonna show everyone this at work.

No, you're not. I don't think so.

I think so.

I don't think you will. No.

Why don't I take one of the two of you.


Oh, thanks. My pleasure.

That's great.

Where you from, New York? England.

Fernando in Milan will flip when he sees these.

They're woven, not printed, so he can design a range of V & A exclusives and we can make them up in Bangkok.

Sorry I'm late, Mr. Avery.

I've been busy putting everything together.

One of your happy snaps, Marshall?

Give me that, Floyd.

May I see? Sure.

Just a rare moment of leisure, sir.

We had to eat!

If you should ever go, sir, I recommend the Drunken Fish.

As long as the trip wasn't entirely pleasurable.

Marshall, since you left, there have been strong doubts about your South China Seas promotion.

I can imagine.

Look, at the moment, there is a complete uniformity of approach to marketing in this city.

Our competition is basically selling all the same merchandise we are, basically in the same way.

This Eastern concept is exotic, it's provocative, it's exciting.


As I've said before we have to make sure that our marketing strategy is more aggressive, more imaginative than the other guys'.

With this in mind I think you'll see we've made some very exciting acquisitions on our trip.

Let me show you this little sucker.

I'm estimating a profit of six to 700 percent.

That's why I bought 5000 of them.

You bought how many?

Could I speak to Mr. Seymour, please? Mr. Marshall Seymour.

Yes, of course I'll hold. You are unbelievable.

I know six collectors who'd pay a fortune for this and you send it to Chicago.

Couldn't you find a mule coming to New York?

It's not easy. What'd you expect me to do?

"Smugglers Wanted"?

It was sloppy to use a civilian.

Mr. Seymour, Lillian Brookmeyer.

I believe we were on the same flight from Bangkok.

And there seems to have been a terrible mix-up.

I seem to have this darling blue and white ginger jar and I wonder if you have something of mine.

He's got it.

Oh, Mr. Seymour, don't ask me how it happened.

The fortunate thing is I'll be in Chicago tomorrow...

Monday would be fine. Yes.

At your office? Look forward to it.

Look forward to Chicago in December?

Come on, it's in the U.S.

Monday, it's ours. No problem.

You think so?

Credit me with some intelligence.

On what basis?

Major, major, major dork.

This offer cannot be repeated.

Hey, Dooley, who you got?

I got Blackhawks and Whalers Saturday, Van Halen at the Civic, and Malice, Tuesday at the Riviera.

Can you get tickets for Wang Chung next month?


Get me two for Malice.

Two? Who you taking? Lori?

I don't go out with boys.


Will your dad let you go?

I'll get him to take me. He owes me one.

I can hear you people in the parking lot.

Dooley, get out!

Out! Hope you're not scalping tickets in my classroom.

Sit down!

Take off that headset and give me that filthy magazine.

Go, Charlie! Yes, yes! Come on, come on!

Go, go, go, Charlie! Come on, touchdown!

All right! All right! Yeah!

You're really sparking them, Charlie.

All right, touchdown!

Hi, guys.

Come on.

Let's go, let's go. We're gonna burn them now.

Over here! Over here! Get the ball!

I got them! Run! Run!

Quick, throw it! I'm open. Open.

Ooh! Oh!

Who's that?

My dad.

Hey, I'm sorry about that, Marshall.

No, come on, it was a good pass.

It was never my game, you know? I used to row.

No, I meant the sweater. It looks like it's expensive.

I get a good deal at the store.

You know, you want one? I could get you one.

Charlie, go on in inside and get your stuff together.

See you. See you later, Charlie.

I don't know what the area code is in the Caribbean, but this is the hotel we're staying in if there's any kind of problem.

He eats Nerds for breakfast. Kids don't like croissants.

Help him with his homework. He's got exams next week.

And you have to see his homeroom teacher Tuesday afternoon.

Tuesday afternoon? Oh, my God!

I've got to meet with our ad agency Tuesday afternoon.

Well, cancel it.

It's not gonna kill you to be a parent for a week.


Charlie? Oh, no, Charlie, please.

Charlie, no way. I got a clause in my lease.

Okay, old buddy, you unload your arsenal...

Hey, you got a tree! Yeah.

Sure. Of course I got you a tree.

Well, Sam got it for you.

Look at the pine needles. Goddamn it! I told her.

I told her there'd be pine needles all over the rug.

I'm gonna check my messages.

Hi, Mo.

Did you have a nice ride?

Were you okay in there?

Look, this is my dad's den.

I'm gonna sleep on the bed. And you're gonna sleep in here.

And we won't tell my dad you're staying.

There's probably a clause in his lease.


Why can't you take me to school, Dad?

George Ferriera takes his kid to school everyday on his way to work.

I go in completely the opposite direction.

But you don't know Dale.

He's a real asshole. Charlie!

Language, in front of Sam.


Is he a real asshole?


A little Grey Poupon.

Thank you.

Look, I can't take you to school, but I'll do anything else you want this week. Deal?

Can we see Malice at the Riviera?

Is that an Agatha Christie movie?

It's a heavy-duty rock band.

I'll get us both a ticket.

No way. You have tests.

Music is my life, Dad!

You had a deal.

Oh, come on. He has tests this week.

You can't expect me to take him to one of those ridiculous, drugged-out rock shows.

Where'd he go? He's upset.

What's he got to be upset about?!

Just lighten up, okay?


What are you doing?

Mo has escaped. Who's Mo?

My frog.


Damn it.

Pasquale, we have a problem.

The linguine is not al dente?


My frog! My frog!

It's a rat!

It's not a rat! It's my frog!

It's not the linguine.

Mo, where are you?

Jesus Christ. What is this, a rummage sale?


I can't believe you're this messy at your mom's.

You come here to stay with me a few days and all hell breaks loose. Look at this.

Charlie! In the future, eat breakfast in the kitchen!

There's granola all over the rug.

Make sure you take that damn frog back to school.

If I do, they'll dissect him.

That's what a frog is for. This isn't a wildlife refuge.

People are always trying to save whales and baby seals and stuff.

What's wrong with saving a frog?

He's not staying in this apartment.

Look, if we're not wanted here, we can go stay with Eric.

Oh, really?

I guess at Eric's house there's a frog in every room.

Look, I just can't believe what you did last night, that's all, Charlie.

You think I can ever go back to that restaurant again?

After your friend went table-hopping?

Stop dumping on me, Dad!

I'm not dumping on you.

I've been up since 6, and I have a very tough day ahead.

Well, I have a pretty tough day ahead too.

You're going to school, for God's sake.

School is games and fun and goofing off.

It's the best time you'll ever have in your life.

You mean it gets worse?

Wait till you have to make a living.

You'll find out how much worse.

I told you to leave that alone.

You don't take tests at work.

I bet people don't push you around, calling you "shrimp" and "microbe."

You know, I wish I could change places with you.

Yeah? Well, I wish I could too.


Ahh! Ahh!



Charlie! Charlie!





Ahh! Ahh!

You look just like me.

I think I am you...


And you're me.

Holy shit!


What's happening, Dad?

Son of a bitch!

I'm scared.

Don't cry, Charlie. It's a dream.

We're having a dream.

The same dream? We woke up a half an hour ago!

If we're dreaming, you won't feel this.


There must be a perfectly logical explanation for this.

Maybe this happened all over America.

Invasion of the Body Switchers.

Your mother lets you watch too much television.

It's some kind of hallucination.

I knew I shouldn't have taken all that Valium.

Hey, this is neat.

It can happen.

People do have nervous breakdowns.




That was Dale's father.

He's picking you up in 20 minutes.

Oh, my God, this is for real.

It was this, don't you remember? You were holding it. You said...

I know what I said.

I said I wish we could change places.

Somebody must have thought it was a pretty good idea, because we have.

So you better get dressed, because you're going to school in 20 minutes.

Don't be crazy. I can't go to school.

It'd look pretty weird if I go to school.

I must weigh 200 pounds.


Give me that! Give it back! Give that to me! Give that back!

Nope! Give it back!

You can ride with Dale. You can look at Mrs. Luttrell.

And you can take my tests.

I'll get straight A's.


We are not leaving this apartment.

Try and remember, I am still your father.

Try and remember, I'm bigger than you now.

Oh, my God! My report!

I was supposed to give it to Avery today.

Call Marcie. Tell her I'm sick. You're sick.

Hey, that's my wallet.

You'll need some lunch money.

Wow! Look at all this plastic!

Don't even think it.

It's been a long while since you went to school, Dad.

What do you mean?

It's not like Happy Days anymore.

All I'm saying is... be careful out there.

Hi, how you doing?

I've known better days, George.

Excuse me?

I mean, Mr. Ferriera.

Raccoon turd.

I'm sorry, I didn't catch that.

* Wake it, shake it Mony, Mony *

* Up and down, turn around Come on, Mony *

* Hey, she give me love And I feel all right now *

* I said, uh, don't stop now Come on, Mony *

* I said, "Yeah!" Yeah *

* Yeah, yeah

* Yeah, yeah Yeah, Yeah *

* 'Cause you make me feel * Ride your pony

* So good * Ride your pony

* So good Feel all right **

Son of a bitch.

Hey, Charlie.

Was Maggot Mouth giving you a bad time?

He's a depressing indictment of our educational system.


Oh, you mean he's like a moron?

So how's it with your dad?

Why do you ask?

Well, like you said you didn't think staying there would be too much fun.

My father is a wonderful person.

What people don't realize is that he's under enormous pressure.

Hey, if you guys are interfacing, that's cool.

Who are you, anyway?

You're getting weird, Charlie.

Well, I gotta go.

Excuse me. Yes?

I have a problem.

Could you tell me where I'm supposed to go?

You suppose your amnesia is induced by the constant piping of heavy-metal music into your brain cells?

I asked a perfectly straightforward question.

I'd appreciate a straightforward answer.

Ow, ow!

Ah! Ow!

Keep the change.

Good morning, Mr. Seymour. Uh, morning.

Good morning, Mr. Seymour. Hi.

Good morning, Mr. Seymour. Good morning.


Morning, Mr. Seymour.

Careful! Get back! Get back!

Yo, Marshall. Yo, Marshall.

Yo, Marshall. Hi. I mean, yo.

Boy, did Braverman luck out. That's his newest temp.

You ever seen such an available mouth? I bet it's nice in there.

Be a good place to set up camp.

Tom Sawyer's swimming hole, eh? Yeah.

Is my office down here?

It's where it always was, unless you know something we don't.


Sneakers. I know. He's losing it.


Elliot Webb was like that right before his breakdown.

Week after that, he was in the State St. window wearing the new Balenciaga ball gown.

Morning, Marshall.

Marcie? Yes?

Good morning, Marcie.

I trust you had a pleasant weekend.

Are you all right?

Don't I look all right?

In four years, you've never asked me about my weekend.

Oh... sorry.

I kept your appointments light so you could finish your report.

It's finished!

I got it right here!


If you want me, I'll be in my office. Okay?


Good. I need some envelopes and some pencils.

Some pens.


Look, Mo.


It's a big city.

A Jacuzzi for you.

Cool out, pal. It must have been hot in there, huh?

Oh, I was just exercising.

Chair aerobics?

Yes, Charlie?

I need to make a phone call.

You're in the middle of a test.

I finished.

Sit down!

Well, do you have a newspaper?


I can't have lunch today, Marshall.

There's too much to catch up on.

Wow! Great to see you.

Which is a shame, because we need to talk.

Is there a problem?

Basically, I just don't know whether working together and having a relationship is feasible.

I don't know what "feasible" means.

Nor do I anymore. That's just the point.

I'll do anything you want, Sam.

Marshall, it's not what I want.

It's what we want as a unit, if we are still a unit.

Look, when we get together tomorrow night, I think we have to be open and candid and re-evaluate this whole situation.




This is Marshall. Can't come to the phone now.

Please leave a message. Goodbye.

Oh, my God! He's out!

Hey, kid, I gotta use the phone.

And I need to speak to my secretary. Do you mind?

Mr. Seymour's office. Sorry to keep you waiting.

Marcie, thank God!

Who is this?

It's me, Charlie.

Oh, hi, Charlie!

Your daddy's told me so much about you.

Never mind that. Did my dad show up today?


I don't believe it. How could he do this to me?

Let me speak to him.

He just stepped out to lunch.

Look, if he behaves a little silly today, it's probably the jet lag.

So don't make any appointments, and whatever you do, keep Avery off his back.

That was Marshall's kid.

The little prick sounds just like his father.

I don't suppose you have any Grey Poupon?


Hey, watch it, Dale.

We're sorry about that.

I didn't mean to... to do it.

Hey, the assholes are taking over the world, man.

Consolation. The Dool has delivered.

What's in there, drugs?

Your concert tickets. I want cash tomorrow.

Checks will only be accepted when accompanied by two major credit cards.

Mrs. Brookmeyer's here to see you.


You made the appointment yourself on Friday.

Did I?

Come on.

Ah, Mr. Seymour, good of you to find the time.

How you doing?

I wrote a savage letter to the president of the airline and I urge you to do the same.


VoilĂ .

I imagine your store will put a handsome markup on that.

I guess.

So... do you have my little objet d'art?

I'm sorry. I don't know what you're talking about.

Mr. Seymour, when we spoke on the phone Friday you knew exactly what I was talking about.


Well, a lot's happened since Friday.

Oh, really?

Really. Mm-hm.

I see. Maybe since Friday you realized what you got.

Maybe you had it valued and think you can make a few bucks for yourself, huh?

Is that what you're trying to pull?

Is that what you're trying to do, huh?

You have to talk to my dad about this.

Look, I didn't fly in from New York to be jerked around.

And you and your dad better think about this.

Because let me tell you something, buster, you're dealing with a major ball-breaker here.

Wow! A ball-breaker.

I need to make a phone call.

There's a pay phone in the cafeteria for students.

There's a line a mile long, and this is an emergency.

Yeah, my name is Seymour. My account number is 4126.

I need a limo at Hemingway Junior High, ASAP.


Yeah! Yeah!

Where are you going, Marshall?


What's with you today? Nothing.

You've been acting weird all day.

Go home. Take a pill.

Oh, okay.

Look, we're not going to a funeral. Peel rubber, pal.

Good afternoon, Mr. Seymour.

Oh, hi.

Coleman, sir.

That thing is intense.

State of the art, sir.

How much does it cost?

A little under $7000.


That's more than a Datsun.

Pretty hot lick.

I know.

I play the drums.

Go for it.

Nice fill, Mr. Seymour.


He famous?

He will be. I'm gonna kill him!


I think I know why Marshall's acting so weird.

Well, it's obvious, isn't it?

Bright boy Marshall's really out on a limb over this South China Seas deal.

No, he's just sucking up to Avery.

And if this thing takes a nosedive, he'll be lucky to end up running the hardware department.

Yeah, in the South China Seas.

Oh, that's right.

Have you been on the fourth floor?

No, sir, Mr. Avery.

Apparently, Marshall is in the music department playing the drums.


Don't stop now, man, we're really wailing!

It's Mr. Avery, Mr. Seymour.

What's going on?! This is Vigar & Avery, not a nightclub.

Chill out. I was... He's a customer.

But you're a vice president of this company, not a salesman.

Salesperson, Mr. Avery.


All those years of hard work and my career is down the crapper.

Did you pick out a Christmas present, Turner?


Stratford! Charles was just saying at dinner last night we don't see enough of Stratford.

Was he?

Well, I was at the club last Thursday, but you were in Bermuda.

Well, we're in town for at least a month. Call us.

Wrap whatever he wants and have it delivered.

This will do fine.

Nice jamming with you.

Well done, Marshall. I never would have recognized the boy.

And you know how much money his mother spends here.

Business is war, gentlemen. Gentlepersons.

Without sales, we might as well raise the white flag and surrender to the forces of Neiman Marcus.

Marshall didn't forget that.


Hi, Dad.

What did you do to my nose?


I wish we could change back again.


Dad, this is heavy.

What if we're stuck like this?

Oh, my God.

I'll have to go through puberty again.

And what's gonna happen to you?

You're 6' 2" with the brain of an 11-year-old.

Maybe the ball-buster had something to do with it.


This lady brought your jar back to the office.

She said you had something of hers.

The lady who called me Friday.

Of course. It belongs to her.

She was really mad.

She wanted to bust your balls.

There's not much to bust, kid.

You'll have to go back to work tomorrow. She's our only link.


Charlie, is that you?

Oh, my God, it's your mother.

Well, talk to her. You're me.

Hello? Charlie, you there?

Yo, Mom. How's it going?

Not too good.

Cliff forgot to fasten the mosquito net last night.

How are things with you and your dad?


Anyway, honey, listen, this is an expensive call.

You still my Charlie Bear, hm?

Oh, come on, tell Mommy.

I'm still your Charlie Bear. Good night, Mom.

I hate it when she pulls that Charlie Bear stuff.

She gets back this weekend. If we don't resolve this I'll have to go back and live with her again.

This is the woman I couldn't live with as a husband.

And now I'm gonna be her son.

It's a Freudian nightmare.

Good morning, Mr. Seymour. Yo.

Good morning, Marshall. Yo.


Yo, Marshall.

Hi, Sam. Hi, Marshall.

The Jingle Bell Moose, Marshall. We've been getting complaints.

What's the problem?

Wow! It said what I said.

It's supposed to do that, remember.

You squeeze the antler. Some of them are talking gibberish.

Some woman in Kenilworth, hers started swearing at her in Polish.

Can I keep this one?

Well, yeah, sure. It's your call.

Fine. Run with it, babe.

I think they're trying to pass the buck, Marshall.

Or in this case, the moose.


How are we today?


Oh, Marcie, if that lady who came here yesterday calls back, I need to talk to her, okay?


Your kid's school just called to confirm an appointment with his teacher.


Right. Anything else?

The janitor left a note to say there's a frog in your bathroom.

Is there something I should know?

Oh, no. I forgot! We need some flies or insects!

He must be starving!

Come on, come on. I won't be able to do the science fair!

Give it back! Give it back! Come on. Please.

Come on, guys. What's going on here?

They've got my project. Great odds.

It takes three of you, does it, to harass this child?

Go screw yourself, ass-wipe.

Oh, a prospective English major.

Now, give the young lady her project and we'll forget all about this.

Hey, hey, come on.

Give her her stuff back.

Oh, man!

Oh, yeah! All right! You got his ass good.

Name in the top, right-hand corner. Everyone remember?

Try to make it legible, Corey.

Melissa, this does not require a discussion from you.

Pencils down, people, test is over.

Available in calfskin or alligator, combination lock, built-in digital timepiece and a rather unique anti-personnel device.

For your type of skin, I would recommend our facial scrub.

It's clinically formulated, allergy-tested...

As an optional extra, we can offer a concealed compartment in the handle to contain a poisonous gas of your choice.

Could I interest you in an eye-contour gel?

It works wonders.


We have to talk, Mr. Seymour. Wait.

I'm about to beat my all-time personal best.


You know what this is?

I'm not a salesman, sir.

I'm an executive vice president.

Yo, Marshall.


It's the moose again, Marshall.

Now we've got two consumer groups on our backs.

I say we tough it out.

What are you gonna do, recall all those mooses?

Moose. What?

Moose. The plural for moose is "moose."

What, you're gonna say "gooses"? "Geese."

Right, it's geese, you're telling me it's "meese"?

I don't know what it is I know what it isn't.

Guys, guys, guys, could we can the semantics, please?

I played with my moose for 20 minutes and it broke.


So... it's not fair.

Kid takes it home and it breaks.

Wait a minute. We've sold 100,000 of the little suckers.

Are you telling me we just call them all in?

Do it!

Handguns are in sporting goods, sir.


What are you doing here?

What's going on?

How did she get to become a track coach, man?

She makes me sick.

Man, you just don't know. She is so fat, man.


Calhoun, High School Patrol.

Nice try, kid.

Okay, spread! Up against the wall.

You too, tuna breath.

Look, I only took a drag.

Did I say you could talk, punk?

Word on the street is you barf bags are giving the kids in the seventh-grade a hard time.

Hey, we were just smoking, man. I know what's going down!

You don't wanna draw any heat, you'll get off their case.


Yeah. Yeah, it's cool.

Hey, butt-heads, come here.

I'm gonna be back in half an hour and those bowls had better be gleaming.

Hi, Dad.

What are you doing here?

You never told me you had to see my homeroom teacher.

You never told me you had hockey practice!

Mr. Seymour.


I'm Jane Luttrell.

Yes, I know.

I'm so happy we have this chance to talk.

I have to be honest, I'm a little concerned about Charlie.

I'm sure you'll agree, he's something of an enigma.

A what?

A puzzle.

Well, I've already graded yesterday's test papers.

Oh, how did he do? Exceptionally well.

Which only confirms what I have suspected all along.

He's working far below his potential.

He's too easily distracted. He lacks focus. He lacks... concentration.


Mr. Seymour, I'm trying to tell you, your son is a dreamer.

All he thinks about is music.

He likes music. And you know what?

Maybe one day he'll be a big star.

And you'll ask him to come back here and give out prizes and stuff and maybe he just won't because of the way you dumped on him!

I'm the last person to discourage outside interests.

I just wish I could have his attention in my classroom.

Well, maybe he finds your classes totally boring.

Well, it might be something else.

Mr. Seymour... this is a little embarrassing.

Charlie may be getting to... that age.

Well, frankly, I think he has a crush on me.

No way!

What do you girls think you're doing? Move it!

Get over here! How many times do I have to tell you not to bury the puck?

Move it! Move it! You guys are terrible!

I'm gonna send you back to your mothers!

Can you skate? No, you can't skate!

Can someone tell me what's going on here?!

Am I in the wrong place?

Are these the auditions for the Ice Capades?

In the locker room, in the classroom, you guys may be buddies, out here, all I want to see is hate!

The city pays this man to shape young minds?

You two, out! Doug, Charlie, you're in.

Do you mind if I sit out this one, coach?

Do I what?

Acid stomach.

Get out there!

Move it, Seymour! Hustle, buddy!

What are you waiting for?

Oh, no!


What a spaz!

Hope I didn't put in too much vermouth.

You really had the worst of this deal, Dad.

It's funny, I don't remember 11 being this tough.


I played second base in Little League.

The Beatles were on the radio.

I saw my first James Bond film.

James Bond was alive then?

I'm not all that old. I got married very young, that's all.

Your mother and I were still in college.

We were a crazy couple of kids.

Are you sorry?

Of course not. Otherwise, I wouldn't have had you.

I'll get it, Dad.

Hi, I'm Debbie.

I'm your babysitter.


Dad! I forgot.

I arranged a sitter because I was seeing Sam tonight.

I'll go. Out of the question.

She's worried about your unit, Dad!

If you stand her up tonight, she may never, ever talk to you again.


Hi, Sam. Hi.

I don't wanna go to Antoine's tonight.


Because I know what will happen if we do.

We'll have a wonderful meal.

I'll drink way too much wine and we'll end up in bed together.

No, we won't.

I'm serious, Marshall. We need to talk.

Wouldn't you rather go to a concert?

Did you get ahold of tickets to Mahler's Second?

No, it's not Mahler.

* Yeah!

* Gettin' ready For the show tonight *

* She pulls her stockings on Nice and tight *

* Slipping into A black lace dress *

* Smiling with A knowing caress *

* She knows she Can knock me out *

* Just one look There ain't no doubt *

* She's got it * She's ready

* Ready to rock 'n' roll

* Crazy in the night These guys are radical!

* You know she's drives me

* Crazy in the night

* Ow! She tried to bite me *

* Hey, let's all get crazy

* Crazy in the night We want everybody to get their fists in the air!

* Crazy in the night Let me hear you!

* Crazy in the night

* Oh, it's hot tonight

* Crazy in the the night

* Everybody get crazy tonight *

I guess you felt bad about not letting Charlie go to the concert.

So you did the next best thing.

You went to all this trouble just to get him an autograph.

That's really sweet, Marshall.

Party till you puke.

Love, Malice."

I think Charlie being around is having a very positive effect on you, Marshall.

I mean, tonight you completely disarmed me.

You showed me a person I really wanna be with.

I want to be with you tonight.

There's some magazines over there.

We could watch MTV.

I think I've heard enough music for one evening.

Besides, we don't wanna wake Charlie up.


I have to leave early.

I've got exercise class in the morning.

I feel sick.


I thought you were still asleep.

I'm too nauseous to sleep.

I don't think he has a temperature.

Why don't you get him a drink of water.

Look what your dad got for you.

He took you to this? Yeah.

And you know something, it was the most fun date I've ever had with him.

You mean, you don't usually have fun?


It's just that your dad works so hard, and sometimes he's not always... there.

But you do like him?

I wouldn't be here if I didn't.

No, I don't just mean tonight.

I mean the big picture, the whole ball of wax.

Tap water okay?

No, it isn't!

There's Evian in the icebox.


He really likes you, Sam.

He's not always good at saying it, but...

but he loves you.

You think so?

I know so.

You are really special, Charlie.

Here's your Evian.

I think I should go.

What do you think, Charlie?

Absolutely. The forecast says snow.

The roads might get dangerous.

And you need your sleep. You have a tough day tomorrow.

I'll talk to you tomorrow.

He's fine.

Good night, my favorite men.

Take care of each other.

Good night.

Your first kiss, huh?

I didn't mean to, Dad.

I mean, I wasn't...

She did it! It's okay.

She obviously likes me.

Now that you're me.

What a night.


Okay, here we go.

He's an angel of a man, but I'm telling you, he has absolutely no taste.

I tried to talk him out of it, darling.

I mean, I said, turquoise drapes with a beige carpet.

Beige, criminal.

Mr. Marshall Seymour, please.

You just missed him.

Why, that is so wicked of him.

Lillian Brookmeyer, I'm his interior decorator.

Could you be a dear and let us in for just a moment?

We're only here to measure up.

All right, kids. Come on. Let's look at the rest.

Excuse me, do you know where Professor Kerschner is?

Downstairs, in the basement. All right, thanks.

Come on.

Professor Kerschner?

Yes. Marshall Seymour.

Marshall Seymour.

It's not here.

I'm not surprised.

You threaten the guy, he gets freaked and puts it somewhere safe.

What are you doing? Cleaning up.

No use tipping him off that we were here.

How considerate. At home, you never lift a finger.

To the lamas, the skull symbolizes the impermanence of the body.

They view it as one of the many houses inhabited by the spirit in its ceaseless journey of reincarnation.


Can I ask a question, professor?

But of course, young man.

Oh, wait a second, I have something for you.


Did the lamas believe that the spirit could change places without dying?

Yes, it's called transmogrification.

There are such beliefs, but they're all in the area of superstition rather than science.

Oh, yeah? That's what you think.

Uh, what my dad means is that we should keep an open mind.

Can I keep this, please? No way!

We can't let him keep this.

We'll never see it again.

Sit down!

There is a man that I'd love to show it to.

He was a lama himself before the Chinese invasion.

Where is he? Can we see him?

I'll try to arrange it.

May I keep it?

Dad, did you see my tape deck?

I thought I left it in there.

The cleaning lady must have been here.

She doesn't usually do this good a job.

You drink a lot, huh, Dad?

Only under stress.

And I think the last three days come under that category.

Maybe this guru guy will deliver.

I mean, he is a genuine lama.

He is an ex-lama.

He's probably one of those spaced-out weirdoes who try to sell you coloring books at the airports and tell you life is a tulip.

And can you believe our future depends on this flake?

Answer the door. Go see who it is.

What's wrong?


Well, I called the store, they said you were sick.

I called the school, they said Charlie's sick.

I called here, no one's answering the telephone.

You weren't supposed to be back till Saturday.

The mosquitoes were one thing, but when they say Hurricane Claire was coming, I said, "Cliff, it's time to go home."

Oh, shit! What are you doing here?

Is that how you greet your mother?

He's drinking.

Marshall, he is drinking!

You're home now, Charlie.

You'll be in your own room tonight with all your own things.

I'm in the tub. Do you mind?

Don't be mad at me, Charlie. I'm not mad at you.

Mom knows this is not your fault.

Mom knows your father turned you into a foul-mouthed alcoholic.

This is Marshall. I can't come to the phone.

Please leave a message. Bye.

Marshall, it's imperative that we resolve this South China Seas situation.

I don't care if you're still sick. The meeting's at 10.

Oh, boy.

What does he look like?

Jesus Christ there's gonna be a hundred kids...

All the little bastards look alike. I don't know.

Let's just hope he's not sick today.

Look at this. That looks very familiar.

You got everything? Yeah.

Hey, I'm making your favorite supper tonight.

Rack of lamb?

Tuna fish casserole.

I can't wait.


Aren't you forgetting something?

See you later, Charlie Bear. Yeah, bye.

Yes. Tell me, quick. Tell me.

Let's go, let's go, let's go.

Don't kill the little shit.

I'm gonna get him.

He's on your side. Christ!

He's on your side! Quick! Now what am I supposed...

What are you doing in a limo?

I don't believe it. Someone beat us to it. Look out!

Avery's pissed. He's called this big meeting.

Avery's called this big meeting?

We're dead.

Not yet, Dad.

Microphone and micro radio transmitter... enabling control to monitor the agent in the field's ongoing situation.

Invaluable in drug busts, for example.

How does the agent get his orders?

This is a very popular method, young man.

There's an antenna concealed in the arm of this eyeglass frame that works in combination with this miniature earpiece.

It'll work.

Shall I charge this to your account, Mr. Seymour?



Wish the little shit had gone to school.

Take it easy. He's a kid.

Maybe he's in the bathroom.

For all this time?

Maybe he ate Mexican last night.

Get in there. Do something!

Hello? Hello?

Are you receiving me? Over.

This is Alpha One. Alpha One. Dad, are you receiving me? Over.

Oh, my God, it works.

Um, yeah. Are you receiving me?

Pretty good. Say something else.

Am I loud enough?

Great! That's it!


Are you okay?

I called last night, but I only got your machine.

Robyn came back. She took Charlie home.

Well, we better go. They're waiting for us.

Oh. Okay.

The backstabbers have Avery ready to pull the plug, trash the concept, cancel our orders, everything.

You're the one who's gonna have to turn this thing around, Marshall.

Life's too short for this crap.

You go on in.

I'll be in in a minute.

I know you've given a lot of commitment and energy to this idea, Marshall.

But you are asking the company to invest a total of...

How much, Brad?

6.4 million, sir.

Yes, but that's over three years.

That's over three years.

And we've been offered very favorable interest rates from Hong Kong.

And we've been offered very favorable interest rates from King Kong.

Hong Kong!

I mean, from Hong Kong.

Maybe. But what is the most we have ever expended before for a single promotional concept?

1.2 million. "The Best of Britain Week."

Now, that made money.

1.2 million.

"Best of Britain Week." That made money.

But we would've made more if we thought bigger.

But it would've made more if we'd thought bigger.

This concept is far more imaginative.

This concept is far more imaginative.

We're taking in textiles, ceramics, sportswear, travel, rugs.

It's the size of this thing that make me nervous, sir.

Yes. If the people of Bedford Park find the Orient too exotic we'll end up with a warehouse full of kimonos and ginger jars.


Don't say that!

I don't know.

There won't be any room in the warehouse, Larry.

It'll be full of recalled moose.

What's this?

Yes, what is this? You never told me about this!

There wasn't time. Okay?

Wasn't time for what?

Uh, to tell you about it, sir.

Tell me what?

Our purchase-with-purchase Jingle Bell Moose, sir.

A few of them were defective and Marshall recalled 100,000.

Were you deranged?

Kids were getting ripped off.

It just seemed like the right thing to do.

Don't make a sound. I'll have to hurt you.

There's no need for physical violence.

Don't make a sound.

I won't make a sound. I'm not a moron.

Would I feel easier if this high-flying China Seas concept were in the hands of someone less impulsive?

Would you like me to clarify the question?

Well, see...

I don't know how you feel.

I only know that the man you're looking at cares a lot about this job.

He works real hard at it.

He works on weekends, he works at nights.

Sometimes he doesn't even get enough time to see his kid.

The people he cares about.

Now you say if his idea doesn't work, he's gonna get fired?

Well, that sucks!

That's treating him like some kind of yin-yang.

Well, if it's a yin-yang you want for this job, you got three much better guys to choose from.



Now, I don't want you to get upset, and I don't want you to panic.

The thing is, I've been kidnapped.

What do you mean, kidnapped?!

Where are you?! Who did it?!

Stop that.

What did I just ask you not to do?

Now, listen carefully and just make a note of everything this person says.

Now, listen up. Have you done this before?

I need the skull.

Ah, Mister... Seymour.

Seymour. It's not here.

It's not here?

No, I told you I wished to show it to someone.

Look, you don't know how really intense this is.

Oh, uh...

Not to worry, I have his address here... somewhere...


Address, address, address...

Come closer, young man.

I need the skull, sir. I'm totally desperate.

Come. Sit down.


Look, if you're so desperate for money, let me make you an offer. savings, bonds, T-bills.

In your piggy bank?

For God's sake, will you stop treating me like a child.

The skull made me a child. It has magical powers.

I am not me, and my father is not him.

My father is me, and I am my father.

Yes, yes. And we are the world.

Turkey or chicken salad?


So how do I know you were in the Oriental Palace in Bangkok?

You took a Polaroid of me and my girlfriend.

You were wearing a cheap linen suit with soy sauce on the lapel.

Hey, get off the line, you pervert!

It's me! I just made it.

Oh! All right. Okay. Now... here's what you do.

There's been some very weird stuff he's been telling me you should know.

We should talk.

Talk? You wanna talk now?

He says he's a father.

Horny little bastard.


You get it?


Wait! Where's my dad?

I got it! You got it? Are you sure?


Dad, are you okay?

Did you look? Did you check?

Put me down! They're going to the train station. We gotta go!

Let's go! I saw their tickets. New York, 3:00, track 12.


Forget it. We've only got 12 minutes.

Officer! This old lady's being mugged!


Up on the platform. Thanks, kid.

We can't!

Charlie, we have no choice.

I can't drive it.

I can.

You better wear it, Dad.


I'm telling you, the kid says it has magical powers.

I believe it. It's gonna make us rich.

What the hell was that?

We're heading west on Harrison in pursuit of a midget on one of our bikes.

They have trains here, okay?

Come on, I'm telling you, don't worry about it.

Did you hear what the man said?

Look, "To all trains." What did I tell you?

We're not gonna make it.


Hang on!


You all right? Yeah.

Where you going, Dad? Wrong way!

There it is, Dad! It's up there!

Calhoun, Chicago Vice!

Way to go!


All right!

Dad, you're a totally intense dude.

Thank you, Charlie.

That's the nicest thing you ever said to me.

I couldn't. I feel sick.

If we'd have been caught... We weren't caught.

We'd be looking at 25 years.

Life. Huh?

Oh, boy. With this, we can afford to go legit.

Just as well, your nerves are shot to shit.

My whole digestive system.

It's me who's been taking all the risks.

Excuse me?

Oh, sorry. Excuse me.

Dad, knock.

You think you got such a rough deal travelling around the mystic East, huh?

Don't tell me you don't have girls there.

You'd trade all that for a New York winter on 34th Street?

New York? I wish!


I tried to warn you.

Come on, let's go. Let's go!

Run! Go!

Let's go.

It happens to the best of families.

Don't worry about it.

Dad, what are we gonna do?

If we tell them the truth, we end up in straitjackets.

We don't. We take the rap.

I have a great lawyer.

Your defense is "executive burnout."

Please, don't cry. Here.


What about those people?

Those people that kidnapped you?

Think about it.

Oh, yeah.

I guess they got theirs.


Hi, Marshall.

You're lucky I was home when they called the house.

Listen, your mom doesn't know anything about this.

I told her I picked you up after school and we went to see a movie.

Thanks, Cliff. Thanks, Cliff.

Yeah, well...

I don't wanna give her any more grief.

Marshall, come here.

Marshall, I don't know what to say to you.

Uh, I...

Get it together.

I know you don't get a chance to see much of your kid, but I think today maybe you overcompensated.

Yes, Cliff. Yes, Cliff.

Anyway, you're free to go on your own recognizance.

I know the captain.

We've got the counts knocked down to seven.

Thanks a lot, Cliff.

Yeah. Let's go home.

Oh, you better take that.


I got your message, Marshall.

What happened to you? Where have you been?

Uh, I had to do some stuff.

* I'll make love to you

* And spare no expense

What happened at the meeting after I left?

Well, I'll have to tell you, it was a little tense in there for about 30 seconds.


Finally, Avery says:

"Unless the yin-yangs have objections

"I think we should let Marshall run with this sucker."

Does that mean I still have a job?


That's great, Sam.

Let's celebrate.

No! There's something you gotta do for me, Sam.

Can you take me over to Charlie's real quick?

Why? I got a Christmas present for him.

You and Charlie have gotten much closer, haven't you?

We need each other.

Marshall, you do know I'm going home for Christmas.

Do you want to come?

I mean, the apartment's gonna seem pretty lonely.

Especially with Charlie gone.

Yeah, it's real lonely.

I've been thinking about that.

I don't think it's right for a man of his...

Of this age to be on his own.

Great. We can leave a day early.

No, I didn't mean...

I wasn't just talking about the holidays.

I was thinking about all the time.

I mean...

Well, like...

Will you marry me?

Merry Christmas.

Okay, here's what we do.

The lama said when we wish, we both have to be touching it.

That's why it worked the first time.


Get undressed, Dad. You'll rip my pajamas.

Hit the lights.

Charlie, you okay?

It worked.

Oh, my God.

All right, Dad. All right.

What movie did you take him to?

Get some sleep.

What am I gonna do with that thing?

When you go back to Thailand, you can find out who it belongs to.

Avery gave you a "go."

He wants you and Sam back there after New Year's.



I want Mo to know he'll always be welcome at my place.

And we'll be seeing a lot more of you, right?


Boy, it sure feels good to be 11 again.

And you must be glad to be...

How old are you, Dad?

Younger than I used to be, kid.

It's good to see you, Sam.

Did you tell him?

Tell him what?

That I said "yes."

Yes to what?

You can't have forgotten. It was just 20 minutes ago.

You proposed to me.

And you said "yes."

Sure, I told him.

He's almost as thrilled about it as I am.

* Set the night to music

* Set the night to music

* Look at all the stars Tonight *

* Look at all the moonlight

* Look at us We're all alone *

* Oh, and it's Just like a dream *

* Some romantic fantasy

* Darling, come and hold

* Hold me close

* We could be making love

* And with the slightest touch

* We could

* Set the night to music

* We could

* Set the night to music

* We could

* Do what we want to do

* It'll only take me and you

* To set the night to music

* Find a rhythm all our own

* Melt into it nice and slow

* Love ourselves Away from here *

* Your heart beating Next to mine *

* Perfect love in perfect time

* Watch the world

* Disappear

* The moment is ours to take

* And with the love we make

* We could

* Set the night to music

* We could

* Set the night to music

* We could

* Do what we want to do

* It'll only take me and you

* To set the night to music

* Oh, oh, oh

* Yeah

* Oh, oh, oh

* Yeah

* This moment is ours to take

* And with the love we make

* We could

* Set the night to music

* We could *