Victor Victoria (1982) Script

[AUTOMOBILE HORNS HONKING]


CAB FARE, RICHARD?

NO. I'VE GOT TO PAY SOME BILLS.

WELL, AT LEAST LEAVE ME ENOUGH FOR BREAKFAST.

WHY, TODDY, ONE WOULD SUSPECT YOU THINK I'M MERCENARY.

TRY "UNSCRUPULOUS."

YOU GET YOUR MONEY'S WORTH.

I'D SAY WE BOTH GET MYMONEY'S WORTH.

LOOK, TODDY, IF YOU'RE NOT HAPPY WITH THE ARRANGEMENT...

AS A MATTER OF RECORD, I'M NOT.

BUT TO QUOTE THE IMMORTAL BARD, LOVE LOOKS NOT WITH THE EYES, BUT WITH THE MIND.

THEREFORE IS WINGED CUPID PAINTED BLIND.

HAVE A NICE DAY, TODDY.

I'LL DO MY DAMNEDEST.

[BELL JINGLES]

[WOMAN'S VOICE SINGING IN DISTANCE]

♪♪ THERE PLANTATIONS FULLY SHOW ♪♪

♪♪ ALL THE YEAR WHERE CHERRIES GROW ♪♪

♪♪ ALL THE YEAR WHERE ♪♪

♪♪ CHERRIES GROW ♪♪

♪♪ CHERRY RIPE, CHERRY RIPE ♪♪

♪♪ RIPE, I CRY ♪♪

♪♪ FULL AND FAIR ONES ♪♪

♪♪ COME AND BUY ♪♪

♪♪ CHERRY RIPE ♪♪

♪♪ RIPE, I CRY ♪♪

♪♪ FULL AND FAIR ONES ♪♪

♪♪ COME ♪♪

♪♪ AND ♪♪

♪♪ BUY ♪♪

AS YOU CAN TELL, MONSIEUR LABISSE, I HAVE A LEGITIMATE VOICE.

YES, WELL, YOU SEE, I'M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING A LITTLE MORE ILLEGITIMATE.

OH, I'M SURE THAT WITH A LITTLE PRACTICE--

LADY...

THAT IS LIKE A NUN SAYING, WITH A LITTLE PRACTICE, SHE COULD BECOME A STREETWALKER.

AH. IT HAS TO COME NATURALLY.

RIGHT.

IN SOME PROFESSIONS, PRACTICE IS A MINOR CONSIDERATION.

SO TAKE MY ADVICE:

STICK TOCARMEN.

I AM A COLORATURA, MONSIEUR LABISSE, NOT A MEZZO.

WELL, WHATEVER YOU ARE, ANDRE CASSELL SHOULD NEVER HAVE SENT YOU OVER HERE.

HE DIDN'T.

YOU TOLD ME HE WAS YOUR AGENT.

I LIED.

THANK YOU.

AND IN SPITE OF WHAT YOU THINK, MONSIEUR LABISSE, THERE ARE SOME PROFESSIONS WHERE PRACTICE DOES MAKE PERFECT.

♪♪ AAHH! ♪♪

WHAT IN HELL WAS THAT?

B FLAT.

[BICYCLE BELL RINGS]


[AUTOMOBILE HORN HONKS]


MONSIEUR LE DIRECTEUR, SHE'S BACK.

WHAT?

HEY!

MISS GRANT.

[OUT OF BREATH]

YOU, UH, YOU OWE ME 2 WEEKS.

HOLD IT, HOLD IT, HOLD IT, HOLD IT.

YOU PROMISED TO PAY ME ON TUESDAY, THEN ON WEDNESDAY, THEN ON THURSDAY, AND...

WHAT'S THAT?

WHAT?

SPAGHETTI?

YES.

WITH MEATBALLS.

OH. I'LL SLEEP WITH YOU FOR A MEATBALL.

YOU WOULD?

MISSED YOUR CHANCE.

OH, NO, YOU DON'T.

IT WON'T DO YOU ANY GOOD.

I'VE BEEN IN THE HOTEL BUSINESS FOR 20 YEARS.

I KNOW ALL THE ANGLES.

COME ON, GET UP. GET UP.

I DON'T CARE IF YOU'VE GOT THE BUBONIC PLAGUE.

IF YOU CAN'T PAY YOUR RENT, I'LL CONFISCATE YOUR PERSONAL BELONGINGS, AND I'LL EVICT YOU.

WHAT HAPPENED?

YOU MADE A CERTAIN OFFER TO ME WHICH I COULD NOT REFUSE, AND THEN YOU PRETENDED TO FAINT.

DON'T BE RIDICULOUS. I NEVER PRETEND TO FAINT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I AM HELPING YOU TO STAND UP.

THAT'S FUNNY. I THOUGHT I WAS STANDING.

MAYBE YOU'D LIKE TO LIE DOWN.

YOU'RE CONFUSING ME.

I'M SURE WE CAN DO SOMETHING ABOUT THE RENT.

WHATEVER YOU MAY THINK, I AM NOT AN UNGENEROUS MAN.

AAH!

AAH! WHAT? WHAT IS IT?

THERE!

WHERE?

WHAT? THERE!

A COCKROACH!

OH! OH!

WHY, YOU...

AAH! I'M SORRY.

I CAN'T STAND COCKROACHES.

AH, YES, ESPECIALLY IN A HOTEL ROOM, EH?

ANYWHERE.

AND YOU WON'T TELL THE DEPARTMENT OF HEALTH IF I FORGET YOUR RENT, EH?

I TELL YOU ONCE MORE, I'M GETTING MY MONEY.

AND JUST IN CASE YOU THOUGHT OF LEAVING US DURING THE NIGHT...

OH, PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME.

PLEASE. OH!

[MUTTERING]

I KNOW WHAT IT IS.

I'M DREAMING.

♪♪ WHEN PEOPLE SPEAK OF GAY PAREE ♪♪

♪♪ THEY THINK THAT WHEN THEY SAY PAREE IS GAY ♪♪

♪♪ THEY MEAN THAT GAY PAREE IS GAY ♪♪ IT IS.

♪♪ NOT IN THE WAY PAREE ♪♪

♪♪ WAS GAY IN YESTERDAY PAREE ♪♪

♪♪ IT MEANS TODAY THAT GAY PAREE IS GAY ♪♪

[PLAYS "DANCE OF THE FAIRIES" RIFF]

NOTTHATGAY.

♪♪ THEY SAY PAREE HAS ALWAYS BEEN ♪♪

♪♪ THAT WAY ♪♪

♪♪ ALONG THE BANKS OF THE SEINE ♪♪

♪♪ JUST TAKE A WALK NOW AND THEN ♪♪

♪♪ YOU'LL MEET SOME INTERESTING MEN ♪♪

♪♪ GAY PAREE ♪♪

♪ ♪♪ ALONG THE RUE MADELEINE ♪

♪♪ EACH EVENING 'ROUND ABOUT 10:00 ♪♪

♪♪ YOU'LL SEE IT TIME AND TIME AGAIN ♪♪

♪♪ GAY PAREE ♪♪

♪♪ IF YOU'VE A SOIREE TO SPARE ♪♪

♪♪ GO TO THE FOLIES-BERGèèRES ♪♪

♪♪ YOU'LL SEE SUCH GAIETY THERE ♪♪ C'EST LA VIE.

♪♪ AROUND THE RUE DES BEAUX ARTS ♪♪

♪♪ WHERE ALL THE CABARET SHOWS ARE ♪♪

♪♪ I MEAN, WELL, REALLY, THOSE ARE ♪♪

♪♪ YOU'LL AGREE ♪♪

♪♪ WHAT THEY MEAN WHEN THEY SAY GAY ♪♪

♪♪ PAREE ♪♪

Richard: THAT'S TODDY WARBLING AGAIN.

♪♪ THE FAUBOURG SAINT-HONOR← ♪♪

♪♪ WHERE ALL THE MILLIONAIRES PLAY ♪♪

♪♪ IS ALSO, I'M SO GLAD TO SAY ♪♪

♪♪ GAY PAREE ♪♪

♪♪ THE RUE DE RIVOLI ARCADE ♪♪

♪♪ WHERE FANCY GOODS ARE DISPLAYED ♪♪

♪♪ THERE'S ALSO BOUND TO BE ROUGH TRADE ♪♪

♪♪ GAY PAREE ♪♪

♪♪ AND IN ARRONDISSEMENT EIGHT ♪♪

♪♪ THE CHAMPS ELYS←ES I WOULD RATE ♪♪

♪♪ PERHAPS THE ONE THING THAT'S STRAIGHT ♪♪

♪♪ AS CAN BE ♪♪ Man: HEY, WAITER!

♪♪ AND AT THE CAF← DE LA PAIX ♪♪

♪♪ IF YOU ARE HEADING THAT WAY ♪♪

♪♪ THEY DRINK A TOAST EVERY DAY ♪♪

♪♪ AROUND 3:00 ♪♪

♪♪ THEY MAKE EACH MOMENT AS GAY ♪♪

♪♪ ASLE QUATORZE JUILLET ♪♪

♪♪ THAT'S WHAT THEY MEAN ♪♪ Man: HOW BORING.

♪♪ WHEN THEY SAY GAY PAREE ♪♪

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU. YOU'RE MOST KIND.

IN FACT, YOU'RE EVERY KIND.

[AUDIENCE CHUCKLES]

I SEE WE HAVE A CELEBRITY WITH US TONIGHT:

MISS SIMONE KALLISTO, STAR OF STAGE, SCREEN, AND AN OCCASIONAL CIRCUS.

TAKE A BOW, DARLING.

UP YOURS,CH←RI.

AND SPEAKING OF THE CIRCUS, AREN'T YOU RICHARD DiNARDO, THE WELL-KNOWN TRAPEZE ARTIST?

CAREFUL, TODDY.

YOU'RE NOT REALLY FUNNY, YOU KNOW, SO WHY DON'T YOU JUST PISS OFF?

AND YOU, YOU OUGHT TO BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF, BRINGING YOUR SWEET OLD MOTHER INTO A PLACE LIKE THIS.

Toddy: AND NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOU HAVE A DELIGHTFUL SURPRISE COMING TO YOU--

NO! NO!

PLEASE!


[THUNDER]

THANK YOU.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

[CONFUSED SHOUTING]

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

BUT NOBODY WAS SERIOUSLY HURT.

THAT'S WHY I'M ONLY CLOSING YOU FOR A WEEK.

DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I WILL LOSE IN ONE WEEK?

A QUARTER OF WHAT YOU'LL LOSE IN A MONTH IF THERE IS ANY MORE TROUBLE.

BAH!

[POLICE SIREN RECEDING]

YOU'RE FIRED.

I CAN'T AFFORD IT.

YOUCAN'T AFFORD IT? WHAT ABOUT ME?

WHAT ABOUT ALL THIS?

MORE ICE.

YOU COULD TAKE IT OUT OF MY SALARY.

TODDY! GET OUT!

ALL RIGHT.

AND DON'T COME BACK!

IF YOU EVER SET FOOT IN THIS PLACE AGAIN, I WILL HAVE YOU THROWN OUT.

DON'T MAKE IT SOUND LIKE SUCH A THREAT.

BEING THROWN OUT OF THIS PLACE IS SIGNIFICANTLY BETTER THAN BEING THROWN OUT OF A LEPER COLONY.

OUT!

THANK YOU.

SOMETHING TO DRINK?

UM, COULD I SEE YOUR WINE LIST?

WE HAVE A WHITE, 1934.

WE HAVE A RED, 1934.

LAST WEEK, WE HAD SOME ROS←, BUT WE'RE USING IT IN THE SALAD.

WHICH DO YOU RECOMMEND?

THE RED IS 6 CENTIMES CHEAPER.

I'LL HAVE THE WHITE.

I'LL BET YOU'RE A ROCKEFELLER.

[THUNDER]


IS SOMETHING WRONG?

I THOUGHT MAYBE YOU HAD A DOG.

"DOG"?

I'VE ONLY BEEN GONE 5 MINUTES.

I FIGURED SOMETHING HELPED YOU EAT IT.

IT WAS DELICIOUS.

YOU WANT A SALAD?

LATER.

LATER.

THE CHICKEN WAS SO GOOD, I THOUGHT I MIGHT TRY THE PORK.

DOES IT TAKE LONG?

ABOUT HALF AN HOUR.

WHAT ABOUT THE BOEUF BOURGUIGNON?

THAT'S READY.

I'LL HAVE THAT, AND I'LL HAVE THE SALAD AFTERWARDS.

YOU REALIZE, OF COURSE, YOU'RE ENTITLED TO 2 SALADS.

COULD YOU PUT THEM BOTH ON ONE PLATE?

THAT'S POSSIBLE. TERRIFIC.

DELICIOUS WINE.

MAYBE YOU'D LIKE TO CHOOSE YOUR 2 DESSERTS?

APPLE FLAN AND COUPE JACQUES MIGHT GO WELL TOGETHER.

JUST A SMALL COFFEE.

GOOD EVENING. I HAD THE PLEASURE OF HEARING YOU SING THIS AFTERNOON.

OH, YOU MUST BE MISTAKEN.

I HAVEN'T SUNG IN ABOUT 2 WEEKS.

YOUR AUDITION AT CHEZ LUI.

UHH. THAT WAS NOT SINGING, AND I WOULD HARDLY CALL IT AN AUDITION.

I USED TO WORK THERE.

MY CONDOLENCES.

WELL, I HOPE I HAVEN'T BOTHERED YOU.

I JUST WANTED TO TELL YOU THAT I THINK YOU HAVE A LOVELY VOICE AND TO SAY HOW SORRY I AM THAT I CAN'T BUY YOU DINNER.

THANK YOU.

WHOOPS.

PARDON ME, MONSIEUR.

COULD I HAVE A KNIFE AND FORK, PLEASE?

EXCUSE ME.

WHY ARE YOU SORRY THAT YOU CAN'T BUY ME DINNER?

CASS←.

BROKE?

I'M ALSO CARROLL TODD.

"TODDY" TO NEARLY EVERYBODY WHO KNOWS ME.

VICTORIA.

GRANT.

I HOPE WE MEET AGAIN WHEN I'M FLUSH.

WON'T YOU SIT DOWN?

PLEASE?

HAVE DINNER WITH ME.

THANK YOU.

YOU KNOW, IT'S VERY STRANGE.

AT THE CLUB, I THOUGHT YOU WERE JUST ABOUT AT THE END OF YOUR ROPE.

I WAS. I AM.

THIS IS THE FIRST DECENT MEAL I'VE HAD IN ALMOST 4 DAYS.

AND YOU CAN'T PAY FOR IT.

CASS←E.

[CHUCKLING]

AND YOU WANT ME TO HAVE DINNER WITH YOU?

I WANT YOU TO HAVE THE BEST DAMN DINNER YOU'VE EVER HAD.

HAVE 2.

I STARTED OFF WITH THE ROAST CHICKEN, AND I SEGUED TO THE BOEUF BOURGUIGNON.

IT'S ANYBODY'S GUESS WHAT I COULD END UP WITH.

OH, I'D GUESS ABOUT 30 DAYS.

IF ALL GOES WELL, I EXPECT TO LEAVE HERE POOR BUT SATED.

I HAVE A...

A BUG IN MY PURSE.

AT THE APPROPRIATE MOMENT, IT GOES IN MY SALAD.

IT'LL NEVER WORK.

A BUG IN MY SALAD?

IN A PLACE LIKE THIS, IT WOULD BE AN EVENT IF THERE WASN'T A BUG IN YOUR SALAD.

WHAT ABOUT A... COCKROACH?

A COCKROACH?!

SHH!

BIGGER THAN YOUR THUMB.

OOH, GOD!

WAITER.

TRY THE CHICKEN.

I REALLY RECOMMEND IT.

UM...

THE BOURGUIGNON IS JUST A LITTLE TOUGH.

MAYBE, THE WAY YOU'RE EATING, YOUR JAWS ARE GETTING TIRED.

SPEAKING OF OVERWORKED JAWS, WHY DON'T YOU TREAT YOURS TO A SABBATICAL AND FETCH ME A WINE LIST?

THIS IS ALL THEY HAVE.

THIS?

LAST TIME I SAW A SPECIMEN LIKE THIS, THEY HAD TO SHOOT THE HORSE.

HOW LUCKY CAN YOU GET?

IN ONE EVENING, A ROCKEFELLER AND A GROUCHO MARX.

THEY DIDN'T SHOOT A REAL HORSE, JUST A COSTUME WITH 2 WAITERS IN IT.

I SHALL THINK OF A SHARP RETORT WHILE I'M GETTING YOUR ROAST CHICKEN.

IT'S A WISE MAN WHO KNOWS WHEN TO THROW IN THE TOWEL.

AND IT IS A MORON WHO GIVES ADVICE TO A HORSE'S ASS.

[LAUGHING]

I MADE THE DRESSING MYSELF WITH THE LAST OF THE ROS←.

I'LL BET IT'S DELICIOUS.

I WOULDN'T BET.

GO ON, TRY IT.

I--I THINK I'LL WAIT TILL THE BOURGUIGNON SETTLES A BIT.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO EAT IT.

OH, I WANT TO.

YOU WILL BE THE FIRST TO KNOW.

YOU'D BETTER GO NOW.

I WANT TO LEND MY SUPPORT.

OH, THAT'S LOVELY, BUT IT'S MY COCKROACH IN MY PURSE, AND I HAVE TO GET IT INTO MY SALAD.

I'M PERFECTLY WILLING TO TAKE OVER YOUR SALAD.

YOU CAN JUST SLIP ME THE PURSE UNDER THE TABLE.

LISTEN, YOU HATE COCKROACHES AS MUCH AS I DO.

WHAT IF I MANAGE AND YOU FAINT?

THEN IT'S POSSIBLE I SHALL WAKE UP IN PRISON.

THEN I CAN'T TALK YOU OUT OF IT?

YOU DON'T HAVE TIME.

NOW...BE CAREFUL IT DOESN'T CRAWL OUT.

ANYBODY LOOKING?

NO.

I DON'T SEE IT.

HOW IS THE SALAD?

AH! UH...

HAVE YOU TRIED IT YET?

NO. NO. I WAS, UH--UH... JUST ABOUT TO.

WE WOULD LIKE ANOTHER BOTTLE OF WINE.

WE'D LIKE TO TRY THE RED.

WAAAHHH!

CO-CO-COCKROACH!

A COCKROACH?

IN MY SA-SA-SALAD.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

IDON'T BELIEVE IT.

ARE YOU IMPUGNING THIS LADY'S INTEGRITY?

SHE'S IMPUGNING MY SALAD.

OH, NO, NO. I'M SURE IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT THAT YOUR SALAD HAD A C-C-COCKROACH IN IT.

IT DIDN'T, AND IT WASN'T.

I DEMAND TO SEE THE MANAGER.

YES, SIR?

THIS LADY FOUND A COCKROACH IN HER SALAD.

UHH! SO I GATHER.

WELL, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT?

I'M GOING TO APOLOGIZE.

MADAME, I REGRET THAT YOU FOUND A COCKROACH IN YOUR SALAD.

I CAN ASSURE YOU THAT IN THE 5 YEARS I'VE BEEN RUNNING THIS RESTAURANT, THAT THERE HAVE ONLY BEEN 2 OTHER OCCASIONS WHEN CUSTOMERS COMPLAINED OF HAVING FOUND INSECTS IN THEIR FOOD.

YOU SEE? IT'S HAPPENED BEFORE.

ON BOTH OCCASIONS, IT TURNED OUT THAT THE CUSTOMERS HAD ACTUALLY PUT THE INSECTS IN THEIR FOOD, HOPING TO BLACKMAIL THE RESTAURANT AND THUS AVOID HAVING TO PAY THEIR CHECKS.

UH...

SURELY YOU'RE NOT SUGGESTING--

THAT MADAME IS TRYING TO AVOID PAYING HER CHECK?

WELL, OF COURSE NOT.

AND AS THE MANAGER OF THIS RESTAURANT, I HOPE MADAME ACCEPTS MY APOLOGY FOR ANY INCONVENIENCE SHE MAY HAVE BEEN CAUSED.

THANK YOU. MADAME DOES.

NOW, THAT IS WHAT I'VEDONE ABOUT IT.

WHAT AREYOUGOING TO DO ABOUT IT?

I?

THERE IS STILL THE MATTER OFYOURCHECK.

MYCHECK?

THERE WAS NO COCKROACH INYOURSALAD.

NO. I INVITED THIS MAN TO HAVE DINNER WITH ME.

OH, I SEE.

AM I TO GATHER, MADAME, THAT, SINCE THIS GENTLEMAN IS YOUR GUEST, YOU DON'T FEEL THAT YOU SHOULD PAY FOR HIS DINNER, EITHER?

Toddy: I WOULD SAY THAT, UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES, THAT'S THE ONLY LOGICAL CONCLUSION AVAILABLE.

Victoria: YES.

Manager: I WILL TELL YOU WHAT I CONSIDER TO BE THE ONLY LOGICAL CONCLUSION AVAILABLE.

EITHER YOU OR MADAME WILL PAY--

AAAHHH!

[MUFFLED SHOUTS AND SCREAMS]

[THUNDER]

THIS WAY.

WHAT?

WHAT?

[PHONOGRAPH PLAYING]

Victoria: I WAS THE LEADING SOPRANO OF THE BATH TOURING LIGHT OPERA COMPANY.

Toddy: YOU'RE VERY ATHLETIC FOR A SOPRANO.

THAT'S BECAUSE I HAVE 3 BROTHERS.

I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.

I GREW UP WITH 2 OLDER SISTERS.

AH-CHOO!

BLESS YOU.

THANK YOU. AH-CHOO!

I THINK I'M CATCHING A COLD.

[WATER SLOSHING]

DO YOU HAVE ANY BICARBONATE?

TOP SHELF.

I HAVE THE WORST HEARTBURN.

AH-CHOO!

[WATER POURING]

LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION.

YOU WANT TO KNOW IF I'M A HOMOSEXUAL?

NO. I WANT TO KNOW IF YOU'RE A HYPOCHONDRIAC.

[LAUGHING]

NOT NECESSARILY.

OH.

OH. WELL, MY HUSBAND WAS.

THE DAY WE GOT MARRIED, HE GOT THE SHINGLES.

THE DAY WE GOT DIVORCED, HIS ULCER PERFORATED.

[TODDY BLOWING NOSE]

HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN A HOMOSEXUAL?

HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN A SOPRANO?

SINCE I WAS 12.

I WAS A LATE BLOOMER.

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE BATH TOURING LIGHT OPERA COMPANY?

I GUESS YOU COULD SAY LOU CASSAVA TOOK FRENCH LEAVE WITH THE BANKROLL.

LOU CASSAVA?

OUR STAGE MANAGER.

SAM PUT HIM UP TO IT.

SAM?

MY EX-HUSBAND.

[SNIFFLING]

OH, GOD.

YOU KNOW, YOU SHOULD STAY IN BED AND FORCE LIQUIDS.

THAT'S GOOD ADVICE FOR A CAMEL.

YOU HAVE ANYBODY TO TAKE CARE OF YOU?

OH, IT'S ONLY A COLD.

A COLD TONIGHT COULD BE PNEUMONIA BY THE MORNING.

ARE YOU SURE YOUR HUSBAND WAS A HYPOCHONDRIAC BEFOREHE MARRIED YOU?

I KNOW YOU THINK I'M AN ALARMIST.

ONLY BECAUSE YOU SOUND LIKE ONE.

I'VE HAD ENOUGH PERSONAL EXPERIENCE TO KNOW THAT WHEN IT COMES TO YOUR HEALTH, IT DOES NOT PAY TO TAKE CHANCES.

THEN YOU CAN STOP WORRYING.

WITH THE EXCEPTION OF SAXOPHONE LESSONS AND THE METRO, I NEVER PAY TO TAKE ANYTHING.

KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO?

WHAT?

I'M GONNA SEE IF MY CLOTHES ARE DRY.

THEN I'M GONNA TRY TO SNEAK BACK INTO MY HOTEL.

WHAT IF I WAKE UP WITH PNEUMONIA?

WELL, I'LL JUST HAVE TO COME AROUND EARLY IN THE MORNING AND CHECK ON YOU.

I COULD HAVE A RELAPSE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.

NO, YOU COULDN'T.

WHY COULDN'T I?

BECAUSE THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT WAS ABOUT 2 HOURS AGO.

OH.

[HUMMING]

Victoria: OH, MY GOD!

WHAT?

OH!

WHAT? WHAT, WHAT, WHAT? OHH.

IT WAS GUARANTEED NOT TO SHRINK.

MY BEST DRESS.

LOOK.

LET'S SEE.

OH, THERE'S NOTHING TO LET DOWN.

I CAN'T GO OUT LIKE THIS.

WELL, WHAT ABOUT THE COAT?

OH!

WHAT AM I GONNA DO?

SELL MATCHES.

[LAUGHING] [CHUCKLING]

[CRYING]

OH, POOR BABY.

I'M SORRY.

[CRYING]

THIS HASN'T BEEN MY DAY.

GOD, THERE HAVE BEEN TIMES I'D HAVE GIVEN MY SOUL TO BE ABLE TO CRY LIKE THAT.

NO.

I HATE IT.

YOU WOULDN'T IF YOU COULDN'T DO IT ANYMORE.

WELL...

NOW...TOMORROW I'LL GO OVER AND PICK UP YOUR CLOTHES.

OH, THEY WON'T LET YOU.

THEY WILL IF I PAY YOUR BILL.

YOU CAN'T DO THAT.

WHY NOT? THIS IS THAT RAINY DAY I'VE SAVED UP A FEW FRANCS FOR.

HERE.

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY.

WHAT?

NEITHER A BORROWER NOR A LENDER BE.

FOR LOAN OFT LOSES BOTH ITSELF AND FRIEND.

EXACTLY.

YOU WERE WILLING TO COMPROMISE YOUR VIRTUE FOR A MEATBALL.

WELL, I WAS OUT OF MY MIND AT THE TIME, AND AT LEAST IT WAS SOMETHING FOR SOMETHING.

ALL RIGHT. WE'LL MAKE THIS STRICTLY A BUSINESS PROPOSITION.

I'LL CHARGE YOU A WEEKLY INTEREST EQUIVALENT TO THE GOING RATE OF ONE MEATBALL.

AH-CHOO!

OH, DAMN.

TODDY, YOU'RE SWEET AND GENEROUS--

EXHAUSTED.

HOW WOULD I EVER PAY YOU BACK?

WELL, WE'LL SOLVE THAT TOMORROW.

IN THE MEANTIME, I'M GIVING THE ORDERS.

YOU'RE GONNA GET INTO THOSE PAJAMAS AND COME TO BED.

THERE?

WELL, YOU'RE WELCOME TO THE SOFA, BUT YOU HAVE MY WORD OF HONOR THIS IS MUCH MORE COMFORTABLE AND INFINITELY SAFER.

AH-CHOO!

OH, GOD.

THERE'S NOTHING MORE INCONVENIENT THAN AN OLD QUEEN WITH A HEAD COLD.

[HONK HONK]

I WON'T BE LONG.

I RESENT BEING TREATED LIKE A HELPLESS INVALID.

Victoria: OH, WILL YOU KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT?

NOW, I'LL CASH THE CHECK, PAY MY HOTEL BILL, AND BE BACK IN TIME TO FIX LUNCH.

I CAN BLOODY WELL FIX MY OWN LUNCH.

NOT WITH A FEVER, YOU CAN'T.

WHAT MAKES YOU SO SURE I'VE GOT A FEVER?

BECAUSE YOU'RE BURNING UP, THAT'S WHY.

I'M NATURALLY WARM-BLOODED.

TO BE THAT NATURALLY WARM-BLOODED, YOU'D HAVE TO BE A SAINT BERNARD.

YOU LOOK BETTER IN RICHARD'S CLOTHES THAN HE DOES.

OF COURSE, HE LOOKS BETTER OUT OF THEM. WELL?

YOU'RE RIGHT. YOU DON'T HAVE A FEVER.

IN FACT, YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE A TEMPERATURE.

NOW, LEAVE IT THERE.

DOES RICHARD HAVE A HAT?

IN THE CLOSET.

Richard: TODDY?

RICHARD.

GOOD MORNING, RICHARD. YOU LOOK LIKE A RACCOON.

I CAME BY TO PICK UP MY THINGS.

I THOUGHT IT WAS TO PAY ME THE MONEY YOU OWED ME.

I DON'T OWE YOU A THING, YOU PATHETIC OLD QUEER.

UHH!

YOU BASTARD!

GET UP!

YOU GET BACK IN BED.

Richard, weakly: WHO WAS THAT?

NOW, NEXT TIME, PICK ON SOMEONE YOUR OWN SIZE.

OOH!

AND DON'T COME BACK!

GOD.

[MOANS]

OH...GOD, MY NOSE.

WHAT HAPPENED?

THERE WAS A MAN WEARING MY CLOTHES.

I THINK HE BROKE MY NOSE.

TODDY, YOU'RE DELIRIOUS.

LOWER YOUR VOICE.

TODDY!

LOWER. [LOWER] TODDY.

OH, CARUSO, NOT CHALIAPIN.

IF YOU DON'T GET BACK IN THAT BED--

OH, GOOD. WHEN YOU'RE ANGRY, IT DROPS NATURALLY.

OH, MY-- THINK ANGRY.

OH, GOD! WHAT AN INSPIRATION.

I'M GONNA GET A DOCTOR.

VICTORIA, IT WILL WORK.

IF YOU LISTEN TO ME AND DO EXACTLY AS I SAY, IN 6 WEEKS YOU'LL BE THE TOAST OF PARIS, AND WE WILL BOTH WILL BE VERY RICH.

VERY, VERY, VERY RICH.

BUT, OH, MY GOD--

THINK. NO MORE BATH LIGHT OPERA COMPANY--

WELL, OF COURSE--

NO MOREMIKADO AND SEEDY TENORS.

YES, BUT--

CAVIAR INSTEAD OF MEATBALLS.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

TO GET SOME SCISSORS!

Toddy: PEOPLE BELIEVE WHAT THEY SEE.

AND THIS AFTERNOON, ANDRE CASSELL IS GOING TO MEET EUROPE'S GREATEST FEMALE IMPERSONATOR.

ANDRE CASSELL IS THE BIGGEST AGENT IN PARIS.

IF I'M THE GREATEST, WHY HASN'T HE HEARD OF ME?

YOU'RE THE GREATEST, BUT YOU'RE UNKNOWN, EXCEPT IN POLAND.

POLAND?

YOU'RE COUNT GRAZINSKY, POLISH ARISTOCRAT.

AND YOU SPEAK VERY LITTLE ENGLISH.

YOUR FAMILY DISOWNED YOU WHEN THEY DISCOVERED YOU WERE GAY.

OH, NOW WAIT A MINUTE.

WE MET IN WARSAW, FELL IN LOVE, AND I BROUGHT YOU TO PARIS.

NOW, HOLD IT!

HMM? WHAT'S WRONG?

WHAT'S WRONG? WHAT'S RIGHT?

A WOMAN PRETENDING TO BE A MAN PRETENDING TO BE A WOMAN?

RIDICULOUS.

IT--IT'S PREPOSTEROUS.

IN FACT, IT'S SO PREPOSTEROUS, NO ONE WOULD EVER BELIEVE IT.

AND YET YOU EXPECT THEM TO BELIEVE COUNT...

WHAT'S HIS NAME?

GRAZINSKY.

GRAZINSKY-- A GAY, POLISH, FEMALE IMPERSONATOR.

DARLING, ALL ANYONE HAS TO BELIEVE IS THAT YOU'RE A MAN.

OH, WELL...

TO CONVINCE AN AUDIENCE THAT AN ILLUSION IS REAL, THE MAGICIAN CREATES A PLAUSIBLE DIVERSION.

COUNT GRAZINSKY IS OUR PLAUSIBLE DIVERSION.

TODDY, NO AUDIENCE IS THAT GULLIBLE.

THEY'LL KNOW HE'S A PHONY.

RIGHT. WELL?

THEY'LL KNOW HE'SA PHONY.

Victoria: TODDY, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO ACT LIKE A MAN.

CONTRARY TO THE POPULAR CONCEPTION OF HOW A MAN ACTS, THERE ARE ALL SORTS OF MEN WHO ACT IN ALL SORTS OF WAYS.

I MEAN, AS OPPOSED TO THE WAY WOMEN ACT.

I AM PERSONALLY ACQUAINTED WITH AT LEAST A DOZEN MEN WHO ACT EXACTLY LIKE WOMEN, AND VICE VERSA.

THERE ARE JUST SOME THINGS THAT ARE NATURALLY MASCULINE.

NAME ONE.

UM, UH, PEEING STANDING UP.

OH. ON THE OTHER HAND, THERE'S ABSOLUTELY NO RULE THAT SAYS A MAN CAN'T SIT DOWN.

MEN HAVE ADAM'S APPLES.

SO DO SOME WOMEN.

NAME ONE.

NANA LANOUX. TAXI!

WHAT? NANA LANOUX? WHO'S SHE?

THE LAST WOMAN I SLEPT WITH.

WHEN WAS THAT?

THE NIGHT BEFORE THE MORNING I DECIDED TO BECOME A HOMOSEXUAL.

VERY DASHING.

I CAN'T WEAR THIS ALL THE TIME.

WHY NOT? YOU MIGHT SET A FASHION.

DID MISS LANOUX HAVE A BIG ADAM'S APPLE?

LIKE A COCONUT.

[TYPING]

GOOD MORNING.

WOULD YOU PLEASE TELL MR. CASSELL THAT CARROLL TODD IS HERE?

WHY?

WHY?

IF YOU DON'T HAVE AN APPOINTMENT WITH MR. CASSELL, WHY SHOULD I TELL HIM YOU'RE HERE?

BECAUSE MR. CASSELL AND I ARE VERY CLOSE FRIENDS.

AND IF YOU TELL HIM I'M HERE, HE'LL WANT TO SEE ME.

NOW, THAT'S NOT VERY COMPLICATED, IS IT?

BEING A VERY CLOSE FRIEND, I'M SURPRISED YOU DON'T KNOW THAT EVERY WEDNESDAY AT THIS TIME, MR. CASSELL HAS HIS HAIR CUT, AND HE NEVER SEES ANYONE, INCLUDING HIS VERY CLOSE FRIENDS.

WE'LL WAIT.

YOU'RE WASTING YOUR TIME.

OH, NO.YOU ARE WASTING IT.

MR. CASSELL.

NO, MISS SELMA.

NO, I MEAN, I WISH TO SEE MR. CASSELL.

NO.

I AM LECLOU, THE WORLD'S GREATEST EQUILIBRIST.

ON WEDNESDAYS, MR. CASSELL ONLY SEES GIANINNI, THE WORLD'S GREATEST BARBER.

VERY WELL, THEN...

[BOTTLE CORK POPS]

IF MR. CASSELL CANNOT SEE ME, THEN I SHALL PERFORM...

FOR YOU.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

GET OFF! WILL YOU GET OFF?

GET OFF THAT DESK!

WILL YOU GET OFF?

OHH!

Toddy: HELLO, ANDRE.

Cassell: TODDY, WHAT THE DEVIL--

ANDRE, I THINK IT'S VERY IMPORTANT THAT YOU MEET COUNT VICTOR GRAZINSKY.

WHO THE HELL IS COUNT VICTOR GRAZINSKY?

SURELY YOU'RE JOKING.

THE COUNT IS EUROPE'S GREATEST FEMALE IMPERSONATOR.

I'VE NEVER HEARD OF HIM.

AND IN ALL MODESTY, IF I HAVEN'T HEARD OF HIM, HE CAN HARDLY BE EUROPE'S GREATEST.

COUNT, WOULD YOU DEMONSTRATE?

Victoria: CERTAINLY.

[VICTORIA SINGS HIGH NOTE]

Cassell: WHAT THE HELL?

COUNT, WITH YOUR VOICE AND MY CONNECTIONS, YOU'RE GOING TO GET RICH, AND I AM GOING TO GET RICHER.

TO A LONG AND PROFITABLE RELATIONSHIP.

NOW, WHEN CAN YOU OPEN?

WHERE?

HERE.

HERE?

[LOWERS VOICE] HERE?

6 WEEKS.

EXCELLENT.

[LOW TONE] HERE.


♪♪ ABOUT 20 YEARS AGO, WAY DOWN-- ♪♪ TRY A TONE LOWER.

OK, UH...

[PLAYS LOWER KEY]

[LOWER VOICE] ♪♪ ABOUT 20 YEARS AGO-- ♪♪ NOPE. TRY A 1/3.

A 1/3?

UH-HUH.

[PLAYS LOWER KEY]

ALL RIGHT.

♪♪ [LOWER VOICE] ♪♪ ABOUT 20 YEARS AGO--

PERFECT. IT'S JUST LOW ENOUGH TO BE A TOUCH MASCULINE.

NOW, WHEN YOU'RE DANCING, REMEMBER, MAKE IT BROADER, WITH TONS OF SHOULDER.

REMEMBER, YOU'RE A DRAG QUEEN!

♪♪ WHEN YOU PLAY ME LE JAZZ HOT♪♪

♪♪ BABY, YOU'RE HOLDING MY SOUL ♪♪

♪♪ TOGETHER ♪♪

♪♪ DON'T KNOW WHETHER IT'S MORNING OR NIGHT ♪♪ HE'S FANTASTIC.

Man: HE'S A PHONY.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

IF HE'S A POLISH COUNT, I'M GRETA GARBO.

WELL, GRETA, WHATEVER HE IS, I THINK HE'S DIVINE.

♪♪ 'CAUSE I LOVE MY JAZZ HOT ♪♪

OH, GOD! I'LL NEVER MAKE IT.

NOW, LISTEN TO ME. FROM THE BEGINNING, WE'VE HAD 2 MAJOR OBSTACLES TO OVERCOME.

MY BOSOM.

FIRST, TO CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT YOU'RE A MAN.

NOW, SO FAR WE'VE DONE THAT.

IT'S BEEN DAMNED UNCOMFORTABLE.

WHAT HAS?

STRAPPING DOWN MY BOSOM.

NOW ALL YOU'VE GOT TO DO IS GET OUT THERE AND SHOW THEM WHAT A GREAT ENTERTAINER YOU ARE, AND YOU'LL BE A STAR FOR THE NEXT 20 YEARS.

OH, TODDY, IF I HAVE TO STRAP DOWN MY BOSOM FOR THE NEXT 20 YEARS, THEY'RE GONNA END UP LOOKING LIKE 2 EMPTY WALLETS.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

SIT UP.

THEN WHAT?

STAND UP.

OH, SIT UP, STAND UP, THROW UP.

NOW, YOU ARE NOT GOING TO BE SICK.

NOT IF I FAINT FIRST.

WE'VE GOT A FULL HOUSE.

I SENT OUT 300 INVITATIONS AND EVERYONE'S TURNED UP, EXCEPT KING MARCHAN.

Victoria: WHO'S KING MARCHAN?

AMONG OTHER THINGS, HE HAPPENS TO BE THE MOST SUCCESSFUL NIGHTCLUB OWNER IN CHICAGO.

AND THE OTHER THINGS?

OH, NOTHING WORTH MENTIONING IF YOU WANT TO STAY ALIVE.


[FANFARE PLAYS]

[PLAYING JAZZ SOLO]


LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE NIGHTCLUB IS PROUD TO PRESENT THE ONE AND ONLY...VICTORIA!

[APPLAUSE]

♪♪ ABOUT 20 YEARS AGO ♪♪

♪♪ WAY DOWN IN NEW ORLEANS ♪♪

♪♪ A GROUP OF FELLAS FOUND A NEW KIND OF MUSIC ♪♪

♪♪ AND THEY DECIDED TO CALL IT JAZZ ♪♪

♪♪ NO OTHER SOUND HAS WHAT THIS MUSIC HAS ♪♪

♪♪ BEFORE THEY KNEW IT ♪♪

♪♪ IT WAS WHIZZIN' ROUND THE WORLD ♪♪

♪♪ THE WORLD WAS READY ♪♪

♪♪ FOR A NEW KIND OF MUSIC ♪♪

♪♪ AND NOW THEY PLAY IT ♪♪

♪♪ FROM STEAMBOAT SPRINGS ♪♪

♪♪ TO LA PAZ ♪♪

♪♪ OH, BABY, WON'T YOU PLAY ME ♪♪

♪♪LE JAZZ HOT,MAYBE ♪♪

♪♪ AND DON'T EVER LET IT END ♪♪

♪♪ I TELL YA, FRIEND ♪♪

♪♪ IT'S REALLY SOMETHIN' TO HEAR ♪♪

♪♪ I CAN'T SIT STILL ♪♪

♪♪ WHEN THERE'S THAT RHYTHM NEAR ME ♪♪

♪♪ ALSO, BABY ♪♪

♪♪LE JAZZ HOTMAY BE ♪♪

♪♪ WHAT'S HOLDIN' MY SOUL ♪♪

♪♪ TOGETHER ♪♪

♪♪ DON'T KNOW WHETHER IT'S MORNIN' OR NIGHT ♪♪

♪♪ ONLY KNOW IT'S SOUNDIN' RIGHT ♪♪

♪♪ SO COME ON IN AND PLAY ME ♪♪

♪♪LE JAZZ HOT,BABY ♪♪

♪♪ 'CAUSE I LOVE MY ♪♪

♪♪ JAZZ ♪♪

♪♪ HOT ♪♪

♪♪ BEFORE THEY KNEW IT ♪♪

♪♪ IT WAS WHIZZIN' ROUND THE WORLD ♪♪

♪♪ THE WORLD WAS READY FOR A NEW KIND OF MUSIC ♪♪

♪♪ AND NOW THEY PLAY IT ♪♪

♪♪ FROM STEAMBOAT SPRINGS TO LA PAZ ♪♪ SHE'S A WINNER.

♪♪ WHEN YOU PLAY ME ♪♪

♪♪LE JAZZ HOT,BABY ♪♪

♪♪ YOU'RE HOLDIN' MY SOUL ♪♪

♪♪ TOGETHER ♪♪

♪♪ DON'T KNOW WHETHER IT'S MORNIN' OR NIGHT ♪♪

♪♪ ONLY KNOW IT'S SOUNDIN' RIGHT ♪♪

♪♪ SO COME ON IN AND PLAY ME ♪♪

♪♪LE JAZZ HOT,BABY ♪♪

♪♪ 'CAUSE I LOVE MY JAZZ ♪♪

♪♪ HOT ♪♪

♪♪LE♪♪

♪♪JAZZ♪♪

♪♪ HOT ♪♪

[WHISPERING] Le jazz hot.

BRAVO!

BRAVA.


HA HA HA HA HA HA.

WATCH THIS.

OHH! OHH!

IT'S A GUY.

YAY!

YAY!

HA HA HA HA HA. HA HA HA HA.

YAAAYYYY!


EXCUSE ME. PARDON ME. PARDON ME.

PARDON ME.

EXCUSE ME. PARDON ME. PARDON.

COME ON, DEAR.

I HOPE...6, 8 WEEKS.

HI.

[GIGGLES] OH, I'M NORMA CASSIDY.

YOU WERE JUST GRAND.

THANK YOU.

OH, AND THIS IS KING MARCHAN.

HOW DO YOU DO? HOW DO YOU DO?

Norma: I GOT TO ADMIT FOR A WHILE THERE I WAS REALLY CHEESED OFF.

KING'S TONGUE WAS HANGIN' OUT A FOOT.

THEN, WHEN YOU TOOK THAT WIG OFF, I JUST COULDN'T BELIEVE IT.

KING STILL DOESN'T.

I'M FLATTERED.

I'M, UH, DELIGHTED YOU COULD MAKE IT, MR. MARCHAN.

OH, THANK YOU.

MAY I INTRODUCE MR. TODD?

IT'S A PLEASURE.

UH, THIS IS MISS CASSIDY.

AH, MADEMOISELLE.

ENCHANTED.

OH, UH, ME, TOO.

WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF OUR NEW STAR?

HE THINKS HE'S A PHONY.

OH, I THINKS SHE'S VERY TALENTED.

BUT HE DOESN'T THINK YOU'RE A MAN.

I'LL TELL HER WHAT I THINK.

HER. YOU SEE?

NORMA. WHAT?

MINGLE.

OH. SURE.

YOU CARE TO, UH, CARE TO MINGLE WITH ME, MR. TODD?

MISS CASSIDY, EXCLUDING VICTOR'S PERFORMANCE, MINGLING WITH YOU MAY WELL TURN OUT TO BE THE HIGHLIGHT OF THE EVENING.

HA HA. I JUST LOVE FRENCHMEN.

OH, SO DO I.

I'LL GET YOU A DRINK.

WELL, THANK YOU.

YOU WERE SAYING, MR. MARCHAN?

WELL, I...

I JUST FIND IT HARD TO BELIEVE THAT YOU'RE A MAN.

BECAUSE YOU FOUND ME ATTRACTIVE AS A WOMAN?

YES, AS A MATTER OF FACT.

IT HAPPENS FREQUENTLY.

NOT TO ME.

IT JUST PROVES THE OLD ADAGE--

THERE'S A FIRST TIME FOR EVERYTHING.

I DON'T THINK SO.

BUT YOU'RE NOT 100% SURE.

PRACTICALLY.

AH, BUT TO A MAN LIKE YOU, SOMEONE WHO BELIEVES HE COULD NEVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, FIND ANOTHER MAN ATTRACTIVE, THE MARGIN BETWEEN PRACTICALLY AND FOR SURE MUST BE AS WIDE AS THE GRAND CANYON.

IF YOU WERE A MAN, I'D KNOCK YOUR BLOCK OFF.

AND PROVE THATYOU'REA MAN.

THAT'S A WOMAN'S ARGUMENT.

YOUR PROBLEM, MR. MARCHAN, IS THAT YOU'RE PREOCCUPIED WITH STEREOTYPES.

I THINK IT'S AS SIMPLE AS, YOU'RE ONE KIND OF MAN, I'M ANOTHER.

AND WHAT KIND ARE YOU?

ONE THAT DOESN'T HAVE TO PROVE IT, TO MYSELF OR ANYONE.

EXCUSE ME.

YOU'RE KIDDIN'!

YOU--YOU REALLY ARE QUEER?

OH, WE PREFER "GAY."

OHH!

BUT YOU'RE SO ATTRACTIVE.

HA HA HA HA HA.

WELL, I THINK IT'S A TERRIBLE WASTE.

OH, HA HA HA HA!

YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK?

WHAT?

I THINK THAT THE RIGHT WOMAN COULD REFORM YOU.

YOU KNOW, I THINK THE RIGHT WOMAN COULD REFORM YOU, TOO.

OHH! ME GIVE UP MEN?

FORGET IT.

YOU TOOK THE WORDS RIGHT OUT OF MY MOUTH.

NORMA?

OH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

I STILL THINK IT'S A TERRIBLE WASTE.

WELL, IF IT'S ANY CONSOLATION, I ASSURE YOU, IT IS NOT WASTED.

OHH.

NORMA?

WHOA, JEEZ.

AU REVOIR.

ME, TOO.

COME ON, GET OUT OF MY WAY. GO ON.

SEE YA IN CHURCH.

OHH!

DON'T EVER LEAVE ME ALONE LIKE THAT AGAIN.

WHAT DID YOU THINK OF KING MARCHAN?

KING MARCHAN IS AN ARROGANT, OPINIONATED, CHAUVINISTIC PAIN IN THE ASS.

I THINK I COULD FALL IN LOVE WITH HIM.

I THINK I COULD, TOO.

I'M TELLIN' YA, HE'S GAY.

I KNOW ALL ABOUT IT.

WE HAD A LONG TALK.

THEY MET IN POLAND OR SOMETHIN', AND HE BROUGHT HIM TO PARIS.

AND HE'S MAKIN' HIM A BIG STAR.

THEY'RE LOVERS, AND I KNOW WHY YOU DON'T WANT TO BELIEVE IT. HA!

CAN I GIVE YOU A LIFT TO YOUR HOTEL?

OH, THAT'S KIND OF YOU, ANDRE--

WE'D BE DELIGHTED.

HOTEL?

WHY NOT?

King: I HEARD YOU, NORMA, I HEARD YOU.

I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SO BURNED UP ABOUT.

THANK YOU.

I MEAN, IT WAS A PERFECTLY NATURAL MISTAKE.

KNOCK IT OFF, NORMA.

WELL, SQUASH THOUGHT HE WAS A WOMAN.

IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT, IT'S REALLY VERY FUNNY.

HE ISN'T BAD LOOKING, BUT I KNEW HE WAS A MAN RIGHT AWAY.

IT'S THE PADDING.

OH, I DON'T CARE HOW CLEVER THOSE COSTUMES ARE.

I MEAN, THERE ARE JUST SOME THINGS YOU CANNOT FAKE.

I MEAN, EVEN WITH ALL THOSE HORMONE SHOTS AND EVERYTHING, A REAL WOMAN CAN ALWAYS TELL.

CAN YOU IMAGINE WHAT SAL ANDRATTI WOULD SAY IF HE KNEW HIS PARTNER FELL FOR A FEMALE IMPERSONATOR, HUH?

CHECK UNDER THE BEDS?

YES.

NOW, I KNOW HE'S SUPPOSED TO PROTECT YOU, BUT DOES HE HAVE TO STAY IN THE SAME SUITE WITH US?

I MEAN, I--I JUST KEEP EXPECTING HIM TO BREAK IN WHILE WE'RE, UH, WE'RE MAKIN' LOVE.

HE'D ONLY DO THAT IF HE HEARD SOMETHING UNUSUAL, LIKE IF I GOT EXCITED.

WHY, YOU--YOU TAKE THAT--

LISTEN TO ME, YOU CREEP!

YOU MIND YOUR-- [MUMBLING]

[CRASH]

GOOD EVENING, SIR.

GOOD EVENING.

THANK YOU, ANDRE.

GOOD NIGHT, TODDY.

VICTOR, GET SOME SLEEP.

TODDY, THIS IS THE MONCEAU.

MM-HMM.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

UP.

ENTREZ.

HA HA HA HA.

Toddy: THAT'S FAR ENOUGH.

TODDY, WHAT ARE YOU UP TO? TODDY?

TA-DA!

[GASPS]

HOLYMERDE!

HA HA HA HA HA.

T-TODDY, WHEN DID WE MOVE?

DURING DRESS REHEARSAL.

B-B-BUT WHAT IF I'D FLOPPED?

OH, THEN WE WOULD HAVE ORDERED A SUMPTUOUS MEAL, CHARGED IT TO ROOM SERVICE, DRUNK THE CHAMPAGNE, COMPLIMENTS OF THE MANAGEMENT--

AND JUMPED OUT THE WINDOW.

WHICH IS WHY I CHOSE A 3-STAR HOTEL AND SPECIFICALLY REQUESTED ACCOMMODATIONS ABOVE THE THIRD FLOOR.

MONSIEUR. OH, TODDY.

OH, THE BATHROOM IS A RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE.

OH, I CAN HARDLY WAIT.

OHH!

WHEN CAN WE AFFORD ANOTHER BEDROOM?

AS SOON AS WE'RE SURE YOU'RE NOT JUST A FLASH IN THE PAN.

MY GOD!

BESIDES, ONE BEDROOM, ONE BED PROMOTES THE ILLUSION THAT WE'RE LOVERS.

HA. IF FOR SOME REASON WE DECIDED WE'D RATHER SLEEP APART, THERE'S MORE THAN ENOUGH ROOM FOR ONE OF US IN THE BATHTUB.

YEAH. AND IF WE HAVE AN OVERNIGHT GUEST, HE CAN ALWAYS STRETCH OUT IN THE BIDET.

I...LOVE YOU.

I LOVE YOU, TOO, SIR.

HA HA HA HA.

OH...OHH!

♪♪ MM MMM ♪♪

[SIGHS]

[HUMMING]

HEY!

AREN'T YOU COMIN' TO BED?

[INVITINGLY] KING...

POOKEY...


YOO-HOO.

I'M HORNY.

OHH. OHH!

OK, ALL RIGHT.

♪♪ OH, GIVE ME A HOME ♪♪

♪♪ WHERE THE BUFFALO ROAM ♪♪

♪♪ AND THE DEER AND THE ANTELOPE ♪♪

♪♪ ARE GAY ♪♪ HA HA HA HA.

♪♪ WHERE SELDOM IS HEARD ♪♪

♪♪ A DISCOURAGING ♪♪

[BANGING ON CEILING] ♪♪ WORD-- ♪♪ OBVIOUSLY A MUSIC LOVER.

I DARE YOU TO HIT HIGH C.

WELL, I WILL IF YOU WILL.

IF I COULD, IWOULD BE THE STAR, AND YOU WOULD STILL BE TRYING TO SWAP YOUR VIRTUE FOR A MEATBALL.

HA HA HA HA.

SPEAKING OF VIRTUE...

YEECHH.

WERE YOU SERIOUS ABOUT KING MARCHAN?

WERE YOU?

I ASKED YOU FIRST.

THAT'S AN INFANTILE EVASION.

OK. I FIND HIM EXTREMELY ATTRACTIVE.

CHECK.

IN FACT, I WOULDN'T MIND HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH HIM.

I'LL BUY THAT.

[SIGHS]

YOU KNOW...

PRETENDING TO BE A MAN HAS ITS DISADVANTAGES.

MY DEAR COUNT...

YOU JUST SAID A COTTON-PICKIN' MOUTHFUL.

POOKEY.

IT'S NO BIG DEAL.

[LOUD OBNOXIOUS NOISE]

IT HAPPENS TO EVERYONE...

MEN, I MEAN.

WE'RE LUCKY...

WOMEN, I MEAN.

WE CAN FAKE IT IF WE HAVE TO.

UHH! OH!

OH, DON'T GET ME WRONG.

I NEVER HAVE WITH YOU...

FAKED IT, I MEAN.

WITH YOU, IT'S...

IT'S LIKE, POW!

POW, POW!

LIKE THE FOURTH OF JULY, EVERY TIME.

JUST TONIGHT, 'CAUSE YOU COULDN'T GET IT--

UP TILL NOW, IT'S BEEN GRAND, POOKEY, REALLY, REALLY GRAND.

AND IF THERE'S ONE THING I KNOW FOR SURE, YOU CAN'T LET IT GET YOU, YOU SHOULD EXCUSE THE EXPRESSION, DOWN.

YOU CAN'T THINK ABOUT IT.

YOU JUST GOTTA PUT IT OUT OF YOUR MIND.

I MEAN, THE MORE YOU THINK ABOUT IT, THE MORE YOU WORRY.

THE MORE YOU WORRY, THE MORE YOU THINK.

THINK, WORRY-- MMM, TOO SOFT--

WORRY, THINK. IT--IT'S--

IT JUST GETS, LIKE, A VICIOUS CYCLE.

AND THEN, BEFORE YOU KNOW IT, YOU ARE IMPUDENT.

WHAT'S WITH THE SOAP?

Norma: AAH!

AAH! AAH!

LOOK OUT!

YOU SON OF A BITCH!

AAH!

NOW, NORMA--

AAH!

NOBODY PUTS SOAP IN MY MOUTH!

NOT EVEN-- NOT EVEN MY MOTHER!

YOU'RE BEING VERY CHILDISH.

I'M GONNA KILL HIM!

I'M GONNA KILL YOU, TOO, YOU BIG MUSCLE BRAIN!

NOW, LISTEN, YOU HAVE TO LEARN TO CONTROL YOURSELF.

AAAAHHH!

AAH! AAH!

OH, SHIT!

AAH!

THIS IS IT! I'M GONNA--

AAH!

AAH!

[BANGING ON DOOR]

YOU AND YOUR IDEAS.

"WHY DON'T YOU TAKE HER TO PARIS WITH YOU, BOSS?"

I JUST THOUGHT SHE'D HELP YOU RELAX.

NEVER HELP ME RELAX.

WELL, THEN SEND HER HOME.

WHY DON'T YOU EVER COME UP WITH A REALLY GOOD IDEA?

FOR INSTANCE?

YOUSEND HER HOME!

HE THINKS HE CAN JUST PUSH ME AROUND.

THINKS I'M JUST GONNA HOP ON THE NEXT BOAT FOR THE STATES, AND THAT WILL BE THAT.

WELL, YOU'VE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING, MR. BIG SHOT FAIRY MARCHAN, BECAUSE MRS. CASSIDY'S LITTLE GIRL NORMA AIN'T GONNA TAKE THIS ONE LYIN' DOWN!

OOH!

AAH!

[P.A. ANNOUNCEMENT IN FRENCH]

AND DON'T KID YOURSELF!

YOU AIN'T SEEN THE LAST OF ME YET!

AAH!

[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS]

ARE YOU OK?

[ORCHESTRA PLAYS INTRO TO SPANISH DANCE]

♪♪ LA ♪♪

♪♪ LA LA LA ♪♪

♪♪ LA-AH-AH ♪♪

♪♪ LA LA ♪♪

♪♪ LA ♪♪

[GUITAR PLAYS]

♪♪ LA ♪♪

♪♪ LA LA LA ♪♪

♪♪ LA-AH-AH-AH-AH ♪♪

♪♪ AH-AH-AH ♪♪

♪♪ AH-AH-AH-AH ♪♪

♪♪ AH-AH-AH-AH AH-AH-AH ♪♪

♪♪ AH ♪♪

♪♪ LA LA ♪♪

♪♪ LA ♪♪

♪♪ LA-AH-AH ♪♪

♪♪ LA ♪♪

[CASTANETS AND ORCHESTRA PLAY]

♪♪ THERE WAS ONCE A SHADY DAME ♪♪

♪♪ FROM SEVILLE ♪♪

♪♪ USED TO WANDER ROUND THE TOWN ♪♪

♪♪ DRESSED TO KILL ♪♪

♪♪ AND MEN IF THEY DARED ♪♪

♪♪ STOOD AND STARED ♪♪

♪♪ WHEN SHE PASSED THEIR WAY ♪♪

♪♪ THE LADY KNOCKED 'EM OUT ♪♪

♪♪ THERE'S NO DOUBT 'CAUSE THEY'D SHOUT ♪♪

♪♪ OL← ♪♪

♪♪ ALL DAY ♪♪

♪♪ SEVILLE ISN'T THAT MUCH TO SHOUT ABOUT ♪♪

♪♪ BUT WHEN SHE WAS OUT ♪♪

♪♪ TRAFFIC STOOD STILL ♪♪

♪♪ DRESSED LIKE A VAMP ♪♪

♪♪ OR A PAMPLONA TRAMP ♪♪

♪♪ SHE COULD STAMPEDE ♪♪

♪♪ THE MENFOLK AT WILL ♪♪ HEY, HEY, HEY! HEY, HEY, HEY!

HEY, HEY, HEY! HEY, HEY, HEY!

[DRUMROLL AND FANFARE]

♪ ♪♪ ONE DAY CAME A WORLD-FAMOUS MATADOR ♪

♪♪ RAT-TAT AT HER DOOR ♪♪

♪♪ BEARING A ROSE ♪♪

♪♪ IF HE DISTRESSED HER ♪♪

♪♪ DISTURBING HER SIESTA ♪♪

♪♪ IT'S BEST TO SAY ♪♪

♪♪ NOBODY KNOWS ♪♪

[TEMPO PICKS UP]


♪♪ THE REST OF THE TALE'S NOT A PRETTY ONE ♪♪

♪♪ PITY ONE ISN'T FOR SALE ♪♪

♪♪ ONLY 2 EARS AND A TAIL ♪♪

♪♪ DID THEY FIND ♪♪

♪♪ BY THE BLIND ON HER SILL ♪♪

♪♪ NO ONE KNOWS WHAT BECAME ♪♪

♪♪ OF THE SHADY ♪♪

♪♪ DAME ♪♪

♪♪ LA LA LA ♪♪

♪♪ AH-AH AH-AH-AH ♪♪

[CASTANETS PLAY]

[GUITAR STRUMS]

♪♪ LA-DA-DA ♪♪

♪♪ AH-AH-AH AH-AH-AH ♪♪

[CASTANETS PLAY]

[GUITAR STRUMS]

♪♪ LA LA LA ♪♪

♪♪ AH-AH-AH-AH-AH AH-AH-AH-AH-AH ♪♪

♪♪ AHHHH ♪♪

♪♪ AHHH ♪♪

♪♪ AHHHHHH ♪♪

♪♪ AHHH ♪♪

♪♪ LA ♪♪

♪♪ THE SHADY ♪♪

♪♪ DA... ♪♪

♪♪ A-A-A ♪♪

♪♪ A-A-A ♪♪

♪♪ A-A-A ♪♪

♪♪ A-A-AME ♪♪

♪♪ FROM ♪♪

♪♪ SEV ♪♪

♪♪ ILLE ♪♪

[GLASS TINKLES] OH!

OH! [POP]

♪♪ ILLE ♪♪ OL←! OL←!

[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]

[APPLAUSE CONTINUES]

BRAVO!

HA HA HA HA HA!