Wag the Dog (1997) Script

Edited at https://subtitletools.com

Another great race today, Johnny.

Who are you gonna ride in the Stakes?

Eddie, like my daddy always used to say... and I live by it...

"Never change horses in midstream."

Never change horses. Sounds like a smart bet.

Always stick with a winner.

Keep America working.

Don't change horses in midstream.

On election day, reelect the president.

Can you step this way, Mr. Brean?

Lift your arms, please.

That's him. That's Mr. Fix-it.

It's right here.

You have a seat here, Connie.

He doesn't know anything.

John Levy's staff, his assistant... and Amy Cain, Press.

Thank you. That'll be all.

Want some coffee? Black, please.

Gaviston, bring some coffee. Black.

You kids in this room... what you hear and say here... if it gets out, you leaked it.

Tell them what they need to know.

When it broke, the president said, "Get me Conrad Brean."

What's the thing?

He had an illegal immigrant nanny years back?

You get ahead in the polls, suddenly you get nervous.

He made a pass at some secretary years ago?

A group of Firefly Girls were here last month.

One expressed interest in a Frederic Remington bust.

They went in the office behind the Oval Office.

It couldn't have been over three minutes.

The Secret Service will confirm that.

It's not the illegal immigrant nanny thing?

The girl's alleging...

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.

Maybe we could say it was a drug reaction to the flu.

Who's got the story?

Don't you want to know if it's true?

What's the difference?

It's a story. They'll run with it.

How long till it breaks?

Front page, Washington Post, tomorrow.

That's not good.

Where is he? China.

When is he due back?

They're set to leave soon.

He stays on the ground in China at least another day.


You the Press Office?

Earn your money. He's ill.

When do we bring him back?

I'm gonna need a day.

He's sick. Get that out now.

Tell the jackals how sick he is.

We gotta get that out before the story breaks.

Issue a bulletin. He's got some rare strain...

- Won't hold. I need running time.

It won't hold a day.

It will. I'll tell you why.

Why is the president in China?

- Trade relations. You're right.

It's got nothing to do with the B-3 bomber.

There is no B-3 bomber. I just said that.

I don't know why these rumors get started.

I need $20,000. I need a car.

Get me a car and driver.

The southwest gate.


What is it?

Campaign commercial. Should we look at it?

Put it in. This should be interesting.

What is it?

The other side's new commercial.

The Neal commercial.

We had somebody steal it.

This'll be on the air the day after tomorrow.

In the final days of the campaign... has the president changed his tune?

Thank heaven for little girls.

The presidency is about honor.

Thank heaven for little girls.

It's about principles.

Without them, what would little boys do?

It's about integrity.

This tune has got to change.

On election day, vote Neal for president.

Oh, boy.

Who's gonna take the press conference today?

Is there a press conference today?

What do you think?

We have to use this as a base of operations.

I'm gonna need one, two days.

Whoever's leaking that stuff to the Post lets it slip...

"I hope this won't screw up the B-3 program."

"What B-3 program, and why should it screw it up?"

"If the president deploys the B-3... before it's fully tested..."

"Deploy the B-3 before it's fully tested?"


"The crisis."

- What crisis? I'm working on that.

Get General Scott and the Joint Chiefs of Staff... and put them on a plane to Seattle.

He's nervous to talk to the Boeing people.

But what?

There isn't a B-3 bomber.

- Where'd you go to school? Dartmouth.

Then show a little spunk. There is no B-3 bomber.

General Scott, to your knowledge... is not in Seattle to talk to Boeing.

It won't prove out.

It doesn't have to prove out. We just gotta distract them.

Got less than two weeks till the election.

What in the world would do that?

I'm working on it.

Winifred, Mr. Brean.

- What's this? $20,000.

I gotta go to L.A. And see a Hollywood producer.

Meet me at National in an hour.

We'll go to Chicago and connect there to L.A.

See you at National.

Tell me this again.

We landing?

Tell me again.

Don't worry. It's nothing new.

During Reagan's administration, 240 Marines killed in Beirut.

24 hours later, we invade Grenada.

That was their M.O.

Change the story, change the lead.

It's not a new concept.

Wake me when we land. We'll talk more.

Wait. We can't afford a war.

We're not having a war.

We're having the appearance of a war.

We cannot afford it.

- What'll it cost? But they would find out.

Who's gonna find out? The American people?

Who's gonna tell them?

What did they find out about the Gulf War?

One video of one bomb falls down a chimney.

The building could have been made out of Legos.

- You want us to go to war? That's the general idea.

With who?

I'm working on it.



Why not? What do you know about them?

Nothing. Precisely.

They seem shifty, standoffish.

Who knows from Albania? Who trusts Albanians?

What did Albania ever do to us?

What did they do for us?

This is why we have to mobilize the B-3 bomber.

You really want to go to war with Albania?

We don't have a choice. This is what you do.

Get your press office right now to deny it.

It didn't happen.

"There is no report of Albanian activity."

They have to deny it.

- It didn't happen. Deny.

...news from the president on his visit to China.

Another sort of news, however... has emerged from the presidential quarter.

We turn to Melissa Gardner at KZAB in Santa Fe... with this breaking news.

Thanks, Richard. Today a local Firefly Girl... accused the president of sexual misconduct.

This photo of the president with the girls... was taken during their tour of the White House.

The girl claims that the sexual misconduct... occurred inside the Oval Office.

Her attorney says there are no plans yet... to hold a press conference.

Folks in Santa Fe and the rest of America... are waiting for a response from the White House... on these harsh allegations.

With the election days away, the big question is... how much will this scandal affect the outcome?

Top people, Albanian desk.

I don't know, either, but we probably have one.

Roust them out of bed.

Albanian desk, CIA, NSA. Roust them, sirens blaring.

I know they're gonna be up in an hour.

I want them up now. Tell your staff...

General Scott in Seattle?

I don't think his trip has to do with the B-3 bomber.

I'll have to ask you to turn that off.

It'll just be a second.

There are no electronics on the plane.

I have to ask you to turn that off.

It'll just take two seconds.

We've said flat out there is no B-3 bomber.

I understand.

If it is true, he should, he must step down... and if it's not true, then he must...

We are informed he has extended his visit to China.

I say on behalf of the American people, come home.

Face the music, whatever that may be.

The election's in 11 days.

Let the American people decide.

"Let the American people decide."

Senator Neal, presidential candidate.

Excuse me, Senator...

That's 11 days till the election... and the president ahead in the polls by... Bob?

Seventeen percent.

Accusations have surfaced which could affect the outcome...

The White House has announced... in response to the media pressure... there will be a press conference.

This is how a Hollywood producer lives?

This is bigger than the White House.

Get me my veggie shake... and remind me to turn over in 10 minutes... to tan the other side.

Do I know you?

We have mutual friends in Washington.

Yes, as you said, and is it true?

Mr. Motss, I wouldn't...

You wouldn't be here if it wasn't true.

Really, who could say?

I like the guy. He signed his book to me...

"For two generations..." What was it?

"For progress to occur," I think he said.

Two Generations to Agree, yes.

That's what he inscribed. How'd you know that?

That's the title of the book.

That's the title?

For Progress to Occur It's Necessary for Two...

That's a terrible title.

You're right.

For Two Generations to Agree. That is the title.

I never looked at the cover.

I just looked at what he wrote to me.

When you get the time, read the cover.

John Levy is expected to respond to the allegations... of sexual misconduct by the president.

This guy is fucked.

What one has to do, Mr. Motss, is fight a holding action.

They'll run this man through the shredder.

If we hold the break in the dam till the election... we got a chance.

You can't hold the dam.

I don't get what you want me to do.

...advised him to stay in China for one or two days.

During that time, of course, we'll remain...

But he's gotta come back sometime.

What is one or two days gonna buy you?

Look at all those hands.

Brer Rabbit couldn't get out of this.

Would you comment please on the rumors... that the president's delay... is due to the situation in Albania?

There is...

I'm not aware of the situation to which you refer.

We've just learned that the State Department... has set up a special Albanian task force at Ops Center.

Mr. Sklansky, I am... We have... Mrs. Rose?

Early this morning, General Scott flew to Seattle.

Is his trip connected with the B-3 bomber?

To the best of my knowledge, there is no B-3 bomber.

Mr. Levy, is the situation in Albania related... to the Muslim fundamentalist anti-American uprising?

Now they get it.

There you go. There's a little help.

...that have fundamentalist movements...

How close are you to this?

What do you want the kid to say?

We will keep you apprised of any new information.

At this time, there is no information...

Have him say...

I know we're all concerned for the president.

I'm sure that our hopes and prayers are with him.

Could you have Levy say...

"I know we're all concerned for the president.

I'm sure our hopes and prayers are with him."

I want to say I know we are all concerned for the president... and our hopes and prayers are with him.

He didn't phrase it right.

He didn't sell the line.

You bought yourself one day, maybe two.

All I need is 11 till the election.

This isn't gonna hold for 11 days.

The guy fucked a Girl Scout. A Firefly Girl.

He fucked a Firefly Girl.

What are you gonna do to hold that off?

I'm gonna get my veggie shake.

What do you think would hold it off?


You'd have to have a war.

You're kidding. You're not kidding.

I'm in show business. Why come to me?

I'll tell you why.

"54, 40, or fight." What does that mean?

- It's a slogan. "Remember the Maine."

"Tippecanoe and Tyler, too."

They're war slogans.

We remember the slogans, not the wars.

You know why?

That's show business. That's why we're here.

Naked girl, covered in napalm.

"V" for victory.

5 Marines raising the flag, Mount Surabachi.

You remember the picture in 50 years, but forget the war.

The Gulf War, smart bomb falling down a chimney.

2,500 missions a day, 100 days.

One video of one bomb.

The American people bought that war.

War is show business. That's why we're here.

What do you do for the president?

Why Albania?

Why not?

They gotta know at some point.


The public.

They gotta know?

Get with it. Who killed Kennedy?

I read the first draft of the Warren Report.

Says he was killed by a drunk driver.

The Gulf War. What do you see day after day?

The one smart bomb falling down a chimney.

The truth?

I was in the building when we shot that shot.

We shot it in a studio in Falls Church, Virginia.

1l10 scale model of a building.

Is that true?

How do we know? You take my point?

All right.

You want me to do what?

To produce.

You want me to produce your war?

Not a war. It's a pageant.

We need a theme, a song, some visuals.

It's a pageant.

It's like the Oscars. That's why we came to you.

I never won an Oscar.

That's a shame, but you produced the Oscars.

Indeed, I did.

You're a writer, that's your script.

You're a director, but if you're the producer... nobody knows what you do.

The producer, all he's got is the credit.

You see? And some plaques on the wall.

They don't know what we do. Don't get me started.

If you never won an Oscar... how would you like an ambassadorship?

An ambassadorship? That's my payoff?

Tell me what you want.

I'd just do it for a story to tell.

You couldn't tell anybody.

I'm just kidding.

- You couldn't tell anybody. Just a figure of speech.

It's a pageant.

That's what it is.

The country's at war.

It's Miss America. You're Bert Parks.

Why Albania? Because.

What do we have that they want?

Freedom. Why would they want that?

Oppressed? Fuck freedom.

They want to destroy the godless Satan.

They want to destroy our way of life.

All right?

The president is in China.

He is dealing with the dispatch of the B-3 bomber to Albania.


Why? Help me.


We found out they have the bomb.

- That's good. And... wait a second.

The bomb's not there... because they'd have to have a rocket and that shit.

They are a bunch of wogs. Cross that out.

It's a suitcase bomb.

I didn't know I said that.

It's a suitcase bomb. You don't need missiles.

You can put a bomb in a suitcase.

That's good. A suitcase bomb.

It's a suitcase bomb.

When it's cooking, it's cooking.

We're cooking, and it's in...

Canada. All right?

Albanian terrorists have placed a suitcase bomb... in Canada in an attempt to infiltrate it into the USA.

- That's good. That's terrific.

I'll tell you why. It is cost effective.

It's producing. That's what it is.

- It's really great. I could tell you stories.

Cecil B. De Mille, The Greatest Show on Earth... he needs an elephant.

I got the president on the line.

One minute.

Needs an elephant for a reshoot. Know what he does?

Ames here. Yes, sir?

You listening?

- Nobody's listening. I'm listening.

The suitcase bomb. Good title for a movie.

Please, write it down. Don't editorialize.

The thinking is, terrorism.

Act One: Albania denies everything.

The president comes on the air, "Be calm."

Know what I need?

Get me Johnny Dean, Liz Butsky, and the Fad King.

Isn't Johnny Dean in the...

Back in Nashville.

- Act Two. We don't need an Act Two.

Don't forget Fad King. We don't need an Act Two?

We just have to hold their interest for 11 days.

It's a teaser.

Absolutely right.

Grace. Teaser.

They're getting a good reaction on the Albanian thing.

Hello, John, you two-bit redneck shitkicker.

How the heck are you?

Get out.

He's got a new wife.

He's riding in a pickup truck with a shotgun and a dog.

We need you here yesterday.

All right? Get your ass out here.

The president wonders about the possible Albanian backlash.

You can't have a war without an enemy.

We could, but it would be dull.

How long do we need him?

We're done in 11 days.

Eleven days. We need you.

You want to write a song for us?

Is there gonna be a back end?

Is there a back end?

Back end?

Percentage points, money.

Count on it.

Where is the back end coming from?

It's like that yellow ribbon thing.

The hostages.

They tied the yellow ribbons around everything.

But that was a naturally occurring...

That was a put-up job?

I want you to get Johnny a ticket.

Fad King on two.

He's riding in a pickup truck with a shotgun and a dog.

Are you shitting me?

King, got a thing here, product placement.

Of course there's a back end.

- It can't be a ribbon. What's wrong with a ribbon?

AIDS has the yellow ribbon thing.

Fuck ribbons.

Canada. Our neighbor to the north... all of a sudden transformed into that place from whence... like the north wind, terror comes.

I like that. Keep talking.

What guards us against Canada?

I guard the Canadian border.

Mounties guard the border. Mountie hats.

Stupid fucking hats.

Davy Crockett had a hat.

You could crush them and put them in your pocket.

You can't put a Mountie hat in your pocket.

You see this? This is what producing is.

You put me in a room with talent... electric.

I'm thinking armbands.

- Armbands is good. I'm thinking green.

Last year, the number one color in new cars was green.

People like green. Hunter.

Hunter green. Strong, pride, dignity.

Not Kelly green.

I like it with a hat.

Maybe. You see that?

Sit on my lap if you love me... but don't put your hand down there.

I didn't mean...

We'll take a short nap.

I thought you should see it.

It shouldn't be a song.

I'm glad that your mama's not here.

Don't do a song about it.

I thought it was funny.

Sit on my lap...

I don't think it's appropriate for what we're doing.

I just meant for you to see it.

I guard the Canadian border.

The president spent the weekend pressing the flesh.

He wasn't campaigning. He was dating, actually.

Change this. Thank you.

Behind the mention of Albania, of his stomach flu... taking refuge these scant days away from the election.

Young girl in rubble.

She was driven from her home by Albanian terrorists.

It is her we are mobilizing to defend.

Or is it she? It is her.

Can we get her a kitten?

Young girl in rubble with a kitten.

That's good.

This is too static.

Young girl running from the village.

More energy.

Time to face these terrible charges... to answer all of these questions.

- What's this? Head shots.

Girls to play the victim in our news footage.

Write this down.

Young girl running from village towards camera.

Grainy hand-held news footage.

Send it to everyone.

What do you think? I like the sorrowful one.

What is this again?

Young Albanian girl running from her home.

I like this broad here.

Where? Too Texan.

We're locked into Albania. Why?

Albania's hard to rhyme.

What are you looking at me for?

It's the name of the country.

That rhymes.

John Belushi? Jim.

Jim Belushi.

Jim Belushi what? Albanian?

Jim Belushi's Albanian?

Are you kidding?

Know anybody who's eaten in an Albanian restaurant?

Is there such a thing? Has to be.

Is there a national dish? We can make it up.

Jim Belushi is Albanian.

What time is it?


Great idea.

To the men and women of the 303 detachment with their...

Leopard skin.

With their berets.

How about all black?

That's good.

Half black, half leopard... wear it on your head.

Half black, half leopard... wear it to your bed.

Half black, half leopard.

I guard... the American dream.

I guard... the American dream.

Everybody's always in a hurry these days.

If they're not rushing somewhere... they're changing something that doesn't need changing.

That's why I'm glad we're behind the president.

Sure we are. It just makes good sense.

You don't want to change horses in midstream.

Why are they sticking with this age-old horseshit?

Why are they sticking with the same garbage?

Who hires these people? I feel insulted having seen it.

- It's offensive. Poorly costumed.

New York Times, Washington Post: War.

Times got the Firefly Girl in the Style section.

Post on page 12.

It's good. Hello?

It's very important. Listen up.

It's all war. You're doing good.

Would you vote for that person based on that commercial?

- I don't vote. Why don't you vote?

When Major League Baseball started the fans voting...

I voted for Boog Powell on first base.

He didn't get in, and it disappointed me.

It's futile.

You've never voted for president?

Do you vote?

No. I always vote for the Academy Awards... but I never win.

Liz, do you vote?

I don't vote. I don't like the rooms.

Too claustrophobic. I can't vote in small places.

It's about that time.

We got the Albanian girl with a cat, a kitten, and a dog.

I don't want a dog. I asked for a kitten.

I understand that, but the pet wrangler suggested...

I need to speak to the president before you pick an animal.

Can't they find me a kitten? Listen to me.

Albanian terrorists have a staging area... for their atomic workshop. That's why she's fleeing.

What if it wasn't Albania? Say it was Italy?

I can get a lot of cash if it's Italy.

"Give them the boot." What if a shoe was the fad?

The little girl is coming toward the camera.

What does she have in her hands? A kitten.

Albania doesn't do anything for me.

That's the problem.

- We're locked into Albania. Why is that?

The president's going to war in about 30 minutes.

Declaring war on Albania?

We're not declaring war. We're going to war.

We haven't declared war since World War II.

We're going to war.

This late-breaking news just in from Air Force One.

The president of the United States... has said he apologizes for the need for secrecy... and he assures that it is necessary... for the safety of the men and women in combat.

He says that the Republic of Albania... long a staging ground for terrorism around the world.

He mentioned a state of war is or is about to happen... between the United States and the Republic of Albania.

How many kittens do we have?

There ought to be kittens a-plenty. I called.

People, let's get started.

My name is Stanley Motss. I'll be your producer.

What I would like you to do, Miss...

Tracy Lime.

Stand against that wall, and on my signal...

I want you running toward me, screaming.

- Can we get you anything? I'm fine.

How about a cup of tea? A little milk, low fat?

You OK?

Fine. Let's try one.

Is this a national? Is that the case?

It's a direct buy-out.

Have your agent... What is this?

What is this, a menagerie?

I can't wait to put this on my résumé.

Can I talk to you for a minute?

This is a special kind of situation.

We have a schnauzer and what appears to be...

It's a Lhasa apso.

It couldn't have been simpler. Kittens.

What you got here is a cross between a dog...

I just want kittens.

Absolutely, sir. The president wants a kitten.

I want a kitten.

Get rid of the dogs and keep the kittens.

Miss. Excuse me.

I have to have you sign this sheet of paper.

My agent would be miffed with me if l...

This doesn't have to do with your deal.

This is your security clearance.

Right there.

Nice signature. Thank you.

Nice meeting you.

This is a nice one.

That's a cat. These are kittens.

They wanted to give options.

It's too confusing. He's pushing the Lopso opso.

- We'll do it optically. Digitally.

Let's try to shoot one.

Stacey... Tracy.

I want you to stand over here.

Here you go. Right there.

These are chips.

Hold the bag when you run.

It's for the arm position. On screen, it'll be a kitten.

Can I hold the kitten?

We'll punch it in later.

You're gonna punch the kitten later?


For a wider set of options.

A wider option of what?

Of kittens.

Sir, all kidding aside, I get to put it on my résumé?

Actually, no.

What is it, a guild thing or something?

You can never tell anyone you did this.

What could they do?

They'd come to your house and kill you.

The president.

Stop the makeup. She's been raped by terrorists.

- She's not pale enough. Jump out.

They're starting to shoot now... and they're gonna do the kitten thing optically.

That's right, Mr. President.

I don't know how they do the kitten optically... but they know what they're doing.

She's not an illegal immigrant, is she?

Could I see the contract?

Why is it so flat?

Because the president cannot employ an illegal immigrant.

- Let's use more spray. Cover up.

Let's keep working!

Are we getting there?

Good. Put the village behind her.

Gimme some flames.

How about some screaming?

Screaming's good.

Some sound of screaming.

What might be good is ooh-ahh sirens.

You know. Anne Frank.

That's good.

Find us the Anne Frank sirens.

That's chilling. That's good.

That's giving me goose bumps.

Find us the ooh-ahhs.

We're gonna be back in Washington when?

We'll be back tonight.

Tonight is...

It seems that Senator Neal has discovered something.

It makes no difference about Senator Neal.

I don't care what he's got. We got a war.

Look at that girl.

Doesn't she look Albanian?

She looks like she was born and raised in Albania.

I got an instinct for casting. Don't ask me why.

We're gonna do it again, sweetie.

- What's her name, Stacey? Tracy.

One more time. You're doing fine.

Could she be running across a bridge?

She's running across a burning bridge.

- That looks good. That's beautiful.

Of course, we'll need some water.

Is it a stream?

I think...

A pond? I think...

I think it's a calico kitten.

She's running across with a kitten.

Can we have a calico kitten? Please?

Floyd, punch in a calico kitten.

I have 19 screens here.

I can't see one calico kitten.

The thinking is a small calico kitten, sir.

We have a small calico kitten.

What? He wants a white one.

He wants a white one?

Let me talk to him.

He's mobilizing the sixth fleet.

Can I talk to him?

He's mobilizing the sixth fleet.

I hate it when they start to meddle.

Can we have a white one?

He wants a white one.

Thank you.

Are we ready yet?

How soon can we get this cut?

4 or 5 hours.

That's good. We can leak that to the press... they can downlink it on Tel star 401, transporter 21.

Makes you glad you've lived this long.

This just in... a special report from the Albanian front.

We've just received information... the young Albanian national fleeing in this video... is attempting to escape terrorist reprisals... in her village.

America has seldom witnessed... a more poignant picture of the human race...


They used the same process... with the last Schwarzenegger movie.

Isn't that amazing how they do that?

This is only the beginning.

Wait till we get the song.

Then you got the song, image, merchandising tie-ins.

This is only the beginning.

We were right. You're the man.

To the beginning.

Got your car.

I hate it when they send these long ones.

Did you make the turn OK? Not a problem.

I'm sorry. You think it's too ostentatious?

Just fine. I'll stretch out.

Good. Just make due.

I'll see you in Nashville.

Go with the two-tone hat.

I don't care. You work it out.

You. You must have had similar situations in the past.

There are unconfirmed reports from a reliable source... that things are in motion.

What I'm hearing... and this is a quote...

"The president is looking for a swift... painless, and victorious conclusion to the war."

However, the source will not go on record.

All I can tell you is this comes from the highest level.

New York Times, Washington Post...

Detroit Register, Sacramento Bee... all in remission. No mention of the Firefly Girl.

10 days to go. Big Bird lands when?

Five a.m.

Anything at the airport?

The press thought no. What do you think?

Here's what I think. Is it gonna rain?

Can you give me the weather tomorrow morning?

Andrews, five a.m.

A young Albanian girl... dressed in her... whatever.

Is there some harvest festival... an Albanian harvest festival, something like that?

Find me an Albanian harvest festival.

There's gotta be something.

Anyway, she gives him the sacred whatever it is... telling him this is a sacred traditional offering... given to the man who ties the first sheaf... the last sheaf, who knows what sheaf?

Is she saying this in Albanian?

She's speaking in Albanian... because this is the only way it can be understood... by her sacred, sainted, and aged mother...

We're picking them up now.

The old lady starts to speak.

"You have brought peace not only to this..."

The child speaks.

A face of innocence, no cynicism.

The child says...

Are you getting this?

The old broad starts to cry.

Big Bird shrugs off his secret service... covers her with his coat, end of story.

Can you find out if we could get some rain tomorrow?

How is Big Bird holding up?

He's good.

He does want to know... what does Motss want?

I don't know. Ambassador to Togo.

No rain tomorrow at Andrews, but there's rain at Boca Raton.

Then direct the plane to Boca.

Connie says divert the plane to Boca.

What's happening?

Can I help you?

What's the problem?

We're in a rush.

Do you know who we are?

I'm afraid that's the trouble, Miss Ames.


I have this to say...

...every American man, woman, and child...

What am I gonna do?

I have a three-year-old daughter... eventually headed for orthodonture.

Now that the CIA knows, I'm gonna lose everything... my career, my reputation. What am I gonna do?

Brazen it through.

Took you long enough.

We found them as soon as we could.

All right.

After I'm done with them, what do they want me to do?

Lug them back to the district or dump them in the country... let the FBI trip over them?

Legal department says you pick.

Depends on what we want to do with them.

This is a special report on the war in Albania.

We've just received more details... on the Albanian girl running for her life.

The young girl was trying to escape... after hearing her family was killed.

Apparently, there was a family connection in Canada.

Two things I know to be true... there's no difference between good flan and bad flan... and there is no war.

Guess who I am.

I would like to point out that I am under medical care... and taking medication, side effects of which have...

Quite touching.

I also take this opportunity... to suggest that, equally, I admit to nothing... and I would like my lawyer present.

We show, and NSA confirms... there are no nuclear devices on the Canadian border.

There are no nuclear devices in Albania.

Albania has no nuclear capacity.

Our spy satellites... show no secret terrorist training camps... in the Albanian hinterland.

The border patrol, the FBI, the RCMP report... no... repeat... no untoward activity... along our picturesque Canadian border.

The Albanian government is screaming its defense.

The world is listening.

There is no war.

There's a war. I'm watching it on television.

Who might you be?

Conrad Brean. Who do you work for?

Nobody whose name you want me to say.

It's all well, but when the fit hits the shan... somebody has to stay after school.

Who might that be?

I don't know what you're talking about.

The spy satellites show it.

They show no war.

Then what good are they?

Why spend a quarter trillion dollars a year on defense?

What good are they?

Are they useless or just broken?

I would like to point out further... that these medications taken in conjunction...

If there's no threat, then where are you?

If there's no threat, what good are you?

You are the threat.

I'm the threat?

What have I been doing the last 30 years... that you haven't been doing?

The last 30 years...

I have been working to ensure the security of my country.

I'm sure that speaks well of you and your parents... but if forced to choose between the security of your country... and the security of your job, which would you pick?

While you hesitate, permit me to suggest... that they are one in the same.

I'm doing my job. That's what you see me doing.

I'm doing my job, too.

The constant stress I am under...

Let me ask you a simple question.

Why do people go to war?

I'll play your silly game.

To ensure their way of life.

Would you fight to do that? I have.

If you went to war again, who would it be against?

Your ability to fight a two-ocean war against who?

Sweden and Togo?

That time has passed. It's over.

The war of the future is nuclear terrorism.

It'll be against a small group of dissidents... who, unbeknownst perhaps to their own governments, have...

To go to that war, you have to be prepared.

You gotta be alert. The public has gotta be alert... because that is the war of the future... and if you're not gearing up to fight that war... then the ax will fall. You'll be out in the street.

You can call this a drill, call this job security... call it anything you like, but I got one for you.

Go to war to preserve your way of life?

Chuck, this is your way of life.

If your spy satellites don't see nothing... if there ain't no war... then you can go home and take up golf...

'cause there ain't no war but ours.

Thank you.

Drive carefully.

Nice enough people.

They just hadn't thought it through.

You talked us out of there.

We got delayed. We're going to Nashville.


You could talk a dog off a meat truck.

Thank you.

We just got stuck.

All systems five-by-five. See you in Nashville.

You saved our bacon.

It was just a... a phenomenal performance.

You turned them around.

They hadn't thought it through.

He's moving across the tarmac.

But it appears something has distracted the president... and he has stopped moving toward the waiting motorcade.

There's a little girl... trying to speak to the president.

It seems she's speaking in...

Is it Albanian?

Can we get someone to translate?

Dan, I think what she is saying... is that this wheat offering is sort of ceremonial... and that it is the first sheaf... the first cut of the harvest.

I'm not proficient in Albanian... but the old woman is quite taken... as the president is offering her the coat.

It is quite an emotional moment here.

There comes a time... in the course of human events... when a threat must be answered... with courage and strength.

Our forefathers earned... the right to be free.

Now it's time... to guard their dream.

We guard... our American borders.

We guard... the American dream.

We guard our right... to fight for democracy... and keep our country free.

We guard... our American spirit.

We guard... the American dream.

Our country's built... on the rock of liberty.

And we, as people... must keep it free.

It is for life... liberty... the pursuit of happiness...

Freedom, 'tis of thee.

We guard... our American borders.

We guard... the American dream.

I loved the fat, wet Albanian broad.

Thank you.

You know why? It was understated.

You got lucky with the rain, too.

We had to divert the plane to Boca Raton.

You should have come to me. We have rain machines.

I'm a producer. I make rain.

Next time.

I have just gotten word... that the situation in Albania is resolved... that it is resolved.

The CIA confirms... that our troops along the Canadian border... and overseas are standing down.

I must take this opportunity to call upon our president...

What does he mean, the situation has been resolved?

He just ended the war.

He ended the war?

Why did he do that?

I think the CIA cut a better deal.

He ended the war?

He can't end the war.

He's not producing this.

This is in bad taste.

Can we stop this?

Stop. It's over.

Can we stop this?

Stop the choir.

It has been quite a week, Richard.

I can't remember when any president... was hit with the flu, a war... and accused of sexual misconduct by a teenage girl... all in the same seven-day period.

This, of course, only days before he runs for reelection.

We've just received information from sources at the CIA... that confirms the cessation of hostilities...

The CIA.

I thought they let us out too easily.

The war's over.

It's over. I saw it on television.

I have to sell my house.

The war is not over.

I saw it on TV.

That's what you hired me for.

The war isn't over until I say it's over.

This is my picture. This is not the CIA's picture.

You think you're in a tight spot now?

Try making The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

Three of the horsemen died.

Hear what he's saying? Three of the horsemen died... two weeks before the end of principal photography.

This is nothing.

This is just Act One, "The War."

We really do need an Act Two, so we work.

Act Two.

You know what it's like?

The Japanese. In the caves.

Go on. Okinawa.

They didn't believe the war was over.

We have a guy who doesn't believe...

We have an American serviceman.

A brave American serviceman is left behind.

A hero.

I can't believe it. What was I thinking?

We had a war. We forgot the hero.

You can't have a war and not have a hero.

It's like we sent a Christmas card... and left out the... What do you call it?

Fruitcake. There you go.

Let's work.

We got a guy who's left behind, so...

This is terrific. This is lucky this happened.

He was left behind, just discarded... like an old shoe.

That's good.

What's good? What did I say?

Shoe. Old shoe?

It's just instinct.

Get me the Pentagon... a list of people in all military special programs.

"Left behind like an old shoe." That is good.

I want to talk to Johnny.

What is it?

The war is over.

We're going to need a new song.

It should be a song about a shiny shoe... a black patent shoe... a good old shoe.

I was on my way to get drunk.

You get drunk, but I need a good old shoe song.

A ballad of loss...

Want to help me? Redemption.

Loss and redemption is very good.

Shit. What key do you want it in?

I don't know keys.

People here are depressed because the war just ended.

Please give me a new song.

I got him.

King, Pentagon.

Take it.

I need a list of military special programs.

Bottom of the ninth.

They don't know who they're playing with.

They don't shut down our picture.

You people gonna be long?

Otherwise, I'll put away the equipment.

I don't know what I'm doing.

I think I'm supposed to be writing a song.

What kind of song?

Is there anybody there named...


Schuster? Schumacher.

I got a great idea.

Old shoe, new shoe.

Daddy had a hound dog... used to call him Blue.

Follow me 'round... stick to me like glue.

His favorite thing to play with... used to be a good ol' shoe.

Wait a minute. Used to be.

You hit that 16-16.

Well, I wish I had a woman... who was half as good and true.

Anybody here know Morse code?

What you gonna do?

Give me the fax.

Sergeant William Schumann, U.S. Army... serial number 2131284262.

Good ol' shoe...

Here's the deal.

Good OI' Shoe.

Whatever you walk in... he will get you through.

He's in a sweater... and he's...

We drop him behind enemy lines.

He's trapped.

The sweater.

In the sweater. Good.

Is there a way we can make it sound old and scratchy... with, like, a hiss?

With an old label.

I see where you're going.

Stand up straight and tall... the way he taught you to.

I'll write a speech.

I'll help you with the speech.

The president reveals that William Schumann...

was trapped behind enemy lines.

This is good.



People will weep.

Soul of a good ol' shoe.

He might even get to heaven... on the soul of his good ol'... shoe.

Here's the president's speech.

Put this in the Library of Congress.

Folk music section, 1930.

Right away, please.

Get it in the Library of Congress now.

Oh, God.

Who's seeing the CBS guy tonight?

Tonight, you remember some song from the folk song days... about a good old shoe.


You're with him watching the president's speech...

What if he's busy?

Lure him. What are you saying?

I don't have to be your confessor, darling.

Tell him you've got info on the sex scandal... it's on your conscience.

He'll drop whatever he's doing.

This is a shitty business.

It needs no ghost from the grave to tell us that... but, Lord willing, eight days from now...

I'm gonna take you into the second term.

Wait till you hear the speech.

The 303 speech. Great.

Where's that Fad King?

I'll get him.

Could we go now?

A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.

How are they doing on Sergeant Schumann?

They're working on him, they're finding him.

Good. It's working.

It's all happening. It's taking place around us.

It is in the works. It is being addressed.

We are being proactive.

We are going out with what may be the finest example...

Get me an update on the army, the Pentagon.

Get this guy Schumann.

Have him standing by.

I gotta tell you, I see a lot of glum faces.

Please don't be disconsolate.

This is politics at its finest.

This is where the rubber meets the road.

We've got a leader going out tonight... to 95 million American homes.

He's gonna turn this thing around.

You think this is tough?

I was 4 months into production on The Song of Solomon... found out I didn't have the rights.

Turn it up. It's our spot.

Tough? This is nothing.

Will you look at that shit?

'Cause you don't change horses in midstream.

Don't change horses.

This speech is good.

We're kinda locked into it, Mr. President.

For the future of our families...

The music. Where did they get that?

Pain in the ass. What?

He won't do the speech.

What do you mean?

What choice does he have?

He won't do the speech?

He says it's corny.

It's what? It's corny?

Of course it's corny.

We wouldn't have him say it if it wasn't.

It's not a question.

This is the center for rest of the thing.

Don't tell me it's corny.

We're locked into the speech, right?

We're locked in.

We are playing way past this.

We are past this.

This is what I need.

Get me 30 secretaries and put them in an office now.

I need to see the president.

I need 5 minutes.

Know what this reminds me of?

Years ago, when I first went out to Hollywood... they said, "It's too theatrical."

I was from the theater. Everything was over their heads.

He thinks it's corny.

Don't tell me it's corny.

Tell him I'm comin'.

My fellow Americans, I thank a merciful God... and I am sure each and every one of us... will thank that Supreme Power... whatever we conceive that power to be... that peace is at hand.

The threat of nuclear terrorism has been quelled.

Mr. President, I'm using a little more projection... because I think this speech needs a little...

Bear with me.


Thank you so much.

That was so moving.

Thank you so much.

Thank you.

I felt very much at home in there.

Simple quirk of fate.

I could have gone this way.

It's all a change in wardrobe.

Was it too much?

I'll tell you.

You did it.

You jumped in there... and saved the thing when the thing needed saving.

It wasn't too much?


Maybe it was.

The president doesn't have to say it that way.

It's like Plato once said.

It doesn't matter how you get there... as long as you get there.

He said that?

What is it exactly you do for the president?

My fellow Americans, I thank a merciful God... and I'm sure all of us will thank that Supreme Power... whatever we conceive that power to be... that peace is at hand.

The threat of nuclear terrorism has been quelled.

We are in contact with the Albanian premier... who assures me... and this government credits his assurances... his country does not wish us ill...

Know any Latin?

I, Claudius. That's what I know.

I need a Latin motto for the patch.

The 303 patch.

...but by a designation number, 303.

A member was left behind what were then enemy lines.

I can only say to those family members of Group 303... whose members are, I know as I speak... gathering to comfort you.

To the parents of the missing man... no effort will be spared... to find this brave man and bring him home.

We've just received this photograph of Schumann... held by a dissident group of Albanian terrorists.

I don't know how many of you know Morse code... but could you bring the camera closer?

You'll see his sweater is worn.

It has been unraveled in places.

Those places form dashes and dots... and those dots spell out a message in Morse code.

That message is, "Courage, Mom."

He got the message through.

Not bad for government work.

Having a good time?

Haven't had this much fun since live TV.

To the men and women of Unit 303... to my fellow citizens, I say, "Courage, Mom."

I have informed Albania that we will not rest... until the safe return of Sergeant Schumann.

I'm told his unit mates gave him the nickname "Old Shoe."

Wasn't there a folk song called "Old Shoe?"

Do you remember that? Something like...

I don't know. I can vaguely remember it.

Do you know what I'm talking about?

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

Good night and God bless.

Trump that, Senator Neal, you Howdy-Doody-looking vontz.

As we reported earlier, U.S. Serviceman Willie Schumann... remains missing behind enemy lines...

It's all thinking ahead.

That's what producing is.

It's like being a plumber.

Do your job right, nobody should notice.

When you fuck up, everything gets full of shit.

...symbol of the military team...

Sergeant William Schumann, the "Old Shoe."

Let's line up the president for the Peace Prize.

Our job ends on election day.

Come on.

Just for the symmetry of the thing?

That's right.

If Kissinger can win the Peace Prize...

I wouldn't be surprised if I'd won the Preakness.

But our guy did bring peace.

But there wasn't a war.

All the greater accomplishment.

Where's the money... where's the tie-in with throwing away shoes?

Who pays you for that?

You throw away shoes. What are you gonna do?

Buy new ones.

We have some powerful new friends... at the International Association of Shoe Manufacturers.

You guys sure get around.

Fad King is my hero. Want to go first?



History, Connie.

Those are ratty shoes.

That's why we're flinging them away.

You want to try some? Go ahead.


Do it again.

Go ahead. Have a ball.

Watch this.

Go on, tell your friends.

This is interesting.

I have just been handed this. Something just discovered.

A 1930s recording, part of the folk song collection...

Of the Library of Congress... and a fitting song, if I may say so, about Shoe.

Schumann is the military soldier... who's been left behind enemy lines...

Jim, can I get a word with you?

Would you like to comment on Albania?

There is one thing I'd like to say.

This is to the Albanians that have this man.

I mean this from the bottom of my heart as one of your race.

I didn't know Jim Belushi was Albanian.

The search for Willie Schumann continues...

As soon as we land, I want a reflexologist.

Male or female?

The White House wants to know about... the Congressional Medal of Honor.

What about it? For Schumann.

Wait a minute. We got 86% in favor.

We bring him back tomorrow, charts don't go down.

I don't want to tell them how to do their business... but why don't they do it after the election?

Makes more sense, and it'll help them more.

When are you bringing him back?

King, show him the thing.

- It's not done yet. Show it to him.

Talk about enlarging the market. Tell him.

Here it is. Artist's rendering of the memorial.

The memorial?

That's the memorial of the fallen.

Of the Albanian campaign.

- Lovely. It's better than lovely.

This guy made a deal with Governor Kneehigh...

Senator Leahy.

You should see the granite you have to put in this thing.

Got a site picked out and everything.

The beauty part is... guess who retains the merchandising rights.

Show him the clock?

Got it as a clock.


- Let's go. When's Schumann coming back?

Getting him right now.

I need his neck size.

I think it's 171l2.

Thinking 171l2 is not good enough.

I'm an artist, not a factory worker.

What did he eat behind enemy lines?

Birds, snakes.

Bullshit. He ate tiny cheeseburgers in tin foil.

Pull a string, they heat themselves.

We call Burger King, Johnny Rockets.

We get the Shoe Burger with cheese and 303 sauce...

"Behind enemy lines or anytime."

That's the slogan.

I got the copyright on the Albanian kitten thing.

I'm gonna call Nike, get Rodman to dye his hair.

We'll have a sneaker... "Air Leopard."

...a high school basketball game last night... between Montgomery Bell and Blair Park.

Students, during the game... in spontaneous moment of sheer patriotism... threw their tennis shoes on the court by the hundreds, just for the Old Shoe.

Bring him back. William Schumann...

There's no business like it.

Demonstrations are springing up all over the country... as Americans show their patriotism.

You ought to get them to run that inaugural speech by me.

Inaugural speech? I don't know.

The White House staff won't give up that one.

Come on. Let me close out the thing in style.

I've come to feel it's my thing.

You take a job, and many times, it's just a job...

Hell of a ride.

Isn't it?

You take the bitter with the sweet... or the sweet with the bitter.

What's that expression?

...feeling good about the economy.

That's why we're voting for the president, Ed.

What do you think?

Bob, my mind wasn't 100% made up, but now it is.

Don't go changing horses in midstream.


Who needs surprises these days?

For an economy you can rely on...

Fucking amateurs.

Pity of it is, two more days, and we bring it back home.

Knock wood.

Who's gonna know?

Who's gonna know what we did?

Pride of a job well done, Stan.

It's the pride of a job well done, but it's more.

It's the gratitude of your party and your president, right?

Is that the thing? Indeed it is.

Dean City, Oklahoma. Army special programs.

Tell 'em to bring Schumann to the plane.

We'll bring him back and stash him in the hospital.

Call the plane. Tell me where to pick him up.

I bet you're good at chess.

I would be, I could remember how all the pieces move.

We'll call you.

I'll do the same in His great name... if you have courage, Mom.

I can always feel your love.

Send, and I'll receive.

Units of 303, the Defense Department... confirmed early this morning, Albanian time... stormed the mountain hideaway near the city of... freeing a tired but happy William Schumann.

A high White House source confirms... that he's expected in Washington tomorrow morning.

How's that?

When we touch down tomorrow...

Big Bird meets Schumann at the airport?

Big mistake. You got to bring him in by stages.

Big mistake to reveal Schumann before the election.

How so?

Sweetheart, Schumann is the shark.

Schumann is Jaws.

You have to tease 'em.

You don't put Jaws in the first reel of the movie.

It's the contract, sweetheart.

The contract with the election, whether they know it or not... is vote for me Tuesday...

Wednesday, I will produce Schumann.

That's what they're paying their seven bucks for.

Know what I mean?


Everybody's gotta learn.

Any business.

You take the fruit of 40 years... hard lessons, mistakes, and you call it wisdom.

That's the truth.

End of the day, just when you know something... time to go home.

You got decades in you now.

You got decades left in you.

Yeah, but...

What could I do to top this?

The 37th Psalm.

I'll do the same in His great name... if you have courage, Mom.

You see her? That was real tears.

We were gonna give her those drops.

She cried. Really?

She cried real. It looks it.

Pray for me... and the USA.

Pray they never use the bomb.

What are you going to do after this?

They owe you big.

Ambassador to this or that, whatever.

Ambassador to what?

I don't even like to go to Brentwood.

That's what I want.

That's my reward.

That's the payoff.

You want to go to the Inaugural?

Might if I was asked.

This here, Schumann and us...

Look at that. King Kong and the trainers.

This is it.

I'm standing with this picture of Sergeant Willie Schumann.

He's become known to Americans simply as the Old Shoe...

This is gonna be a masterpiece.

Giving them what they want.

...his Group 303 and left behind in enemy territory.

Here at Andrews Air Force Base... they prepare for the return of Willie Schumann.

Sergeant Schumann, if I may, welcome to history.

Sergeant Schumann, I'm Ames.

Somebody named Brean?

Right here.

Sign here for me.

Captain, you want to take her up?

There's heavy weather back east.

What do you think?

6 to 5 and pick 'em. You want to chance it?

If it'll fly, let's fly. People are waiting.

A child at the airport breaks through the ranks... runs to Old Shoe, rubs meat on Schumann's cuff.

A little dog runs to it. The dog loves Schumann.

He is a perfect war hero.


You cast him.

All right. Book it up.

What's this?

Keys to the manacles.

Oh, my God.


What is the trouble?

No trouble at all, ma'am.

Then why is he in chains?

He's in chains because he's a convict.

A convict?

How you doing?

Take a look.

When we asked for special programs... they gave us special prisons.

Only a one-word difference.

Has he been in jail long? 12 years.

Does he have much longer to serve?

What did he do?

He raped a nun.

- And... I don't want to know an "and."

Why is there an "and"?

He's fine as long as he gets his medications.

And if he doesn't?

He's not fine.

Up there, Captain.

You'd better get us to Washington.

How are ya?


Gonna get me back tomorrow?

'Cause, you know, tomorrow they're having beans.

I need a readjustment. We have to rethink this.


We're trying to do this thing.

As long as you get me back for the beans.

He's sicker than we thought.

Rush him under wraps to Walter Reed for tests.

If you're gonna keep me out, I'd like to go to church.

You know what I mean?

Are you very religious?

What have you done to me?

All combat takes place at night in the rain... at the junction of four map segments.

What are you going to do?

He's fine as long as he gets his medication.

Speaking of that, we're gonna need lots of this.

Get on the phone and get it.

You people are looking at this wrong.

If you look at the back story... the guy is coming back from combat and torture... of course he's going to be a little fucked up.

He's gonna need help.

Anybody want a beer? 'Cause I could party.

I'm gonna need an ambulance.

We take him the last moment from the plane.

We land, take him from the plane to the ambulance.

Air Force jet lands, we take somebody else from that jet.

What the fuck do I care?

Somebody in a hospital gown.

You get me back for the beans.

'Cause tomorrow's the beans.

'Cause this dog ain't gonna hunt.

He's gonna be fine.

Aren't you, William?

Speaking of which, I have a prescription here.

I want you standing by with a lot of this stuff.

A crate of it. It's...


The number is V...

This is nothing.

I used to think I was a pharmacist... the stuff I carried.

With the beans, you can tell if they're puttin' stuff in it.

So you don't have to fear it.

What kind of stuff?

What do you mean, what kind of stuff?

He just wanted to know what you meant.

Did you mean?

- I didn't. He didn't mean.

- He didn't mean anything. You meant something.

He didn't mean anything.

Give him another pill.

What the fuck do you mean, what kind of stuff?

Pill, William.

This is nothing. Did you ever shoot in Italy?

Try three starlets swacked-out on Benzedrine and grappa.

This is nothing.

This is a walk in the park.

Who are you?

Who are you sons of bitches?

Killers! Just calm down.

Where are you taking me?

Oh, my God!

Sergeant Willie Schumann is coming home.

Schumann's plane should be over the Atlantic Ocean... making its final descent back into this country.

The White House reported... he was safely rescued and on his way to American soil.

We're still waiting for his plane... at Andrews Air Force Base.

A plane that is due to land. Long overdue.

The president is monitoring the situation... personally and closely.

We will keep you updated as to any developments.

Thank you very much.

Oh, God. What do we do now?

What do we do now, boy producer?

Mister win-an-Emmy, social-conscience, whale-shit... save-the-rain-forest, peacenik-commie... fuckin'- hire-a-convict shithead?

What do we do now, liberal, affirmative action, shithead... peacenik commie fuck?

This is nothing. Piece of cake.

Producing is being a samurai warrior.

They pay you day in, day out for years... so that one day, when called upon... you can respond, your training at its peak... and save the day!

Produce this Schumann.

Produce him, I say... or, and I don't hesitate to say this... rank him as just another in a series of broken promises.

This tardy absence of the flight must give us pause... and in that pause, we should take time to examine ourselves...

Fuck you.

Leave it alone. What did television do to you?

It destroyed the electoral process.

Enough lovemaking. Let's go. Come on.

Where? We got work to do.

Come on, pal.

Is it time for exercise?

It's my day in the yard.

Let's get him to the highway.

Think this is tough? Come on, pal!

This is nothing! Piece of cake!

Albanian dissidents... having somehow obtained a surface-to-air missile...

You had your fortune here.

You were ready to throw it away.

If you got a problem, solve it. That's producing.

Someday when they tell this story...

You can't tell this story.

Why not? Somebody would have you killed.

Of course, I know.

Not now. But when they do tell the story...

Nobody can tell this story, ever.

Listen to me. This is what I do for a living.

You can't tell this story. He's not kidding you.

You can't tell this story. You knew that.

The deal was you get an ambassadorship.

I used to have a Camaro.

What are you going to tell? The guy's a nut case.

You would be too if you went through what he went through.

He raped a nun.

What he went through in Albania.

He's doped to the gills.

Where's my little pills?

Show some compassion.

He spent the last 12 years in a military prison.

How are we gonna explain that?

Explain it? Am I worried?

How do we explain that when the world is watching?

Fuck the world. Try a 10 a.m. Pitch meeting... cooked to the gills, and you haven't read the treatment.

How do we explain he was in prison?

Well, you see, Winifred... this is where you've never been at a pitch.

His records say he was in prison... as they say for all the men and women of Group 303... as they must because of the secrecy involved.

I'm on top of it.

Not sure whether enemy action...

I'm fine. I got it.

Stanley, I told you, I do this for a living.

You do what for a living?

Exactly what do you do for the president?

I lost my wallet. You got any change?

How we doing, boy?

Ready to mix it up?

Is today laundry day?

What do you do on laundry day? Laundry.

Stand by to copy this. Just get a pencil.

Down safely.

Produce this Schumann.

Produce him, I say, or, and I don't hesitate to say this... rank him as just another in a series of broken promises.

Sustained minor injuries.

Flight crew being investigated for possible pilot error.

Transshipped to an undisclosed location.

This deserted runway should be filled with well-wishers.

How you doing? A cold drink?

Schumann was to return to American soil today... after his safe rescue in Albania.

He looks like me.

...deserves an explanation from the White House.

Wait, we are now going live to the White House.

I have an update regarding the aircraft incident... involving Sergeant Schumann.

He is down safely and will be transshipped.

We are informed he has sustained minor injuries... which will require his being medicated for some time...

Bring in the cavalry. Nick of time.

Political shitbirds. Fuck with us, huh?

They don't know who they're playing with.


I'm a little concerned about the driver of the rig.

What rig? The harvester.

- What about him? He doesn't have his green card.

So what?

You want Schumann to be rescued by an illegal alien?

We can't have Schumann saved by an illegal immigrant.

Get on the phone. Fly in a judge.

Get on the phone. What's all this moping about?

Do you have any change?

I like the night life, I like to boogie.



Are you all right?


Let me talk to him!

What are you doing?

I think we should...

Willie, where are you going?


Let me talk to him. Shoe, you in there?

I'll kill that son of a bitch.

I have a relationship. You want to talk?

Get you anything you want. You want some beans?

Will that do it, Shoester?

Come on, Shoe!

He's dead.

Wait a minute.

He's not dead. He's alive.

Strike that.

So close and yet so far.

What do you mean?

We were this close.

This is nothing.

This just got big.

Big? He's dead.

We killed Old Shoe.

What is better than the triumphal homecoming... of a war hero?



We're gathered here... with a cross to bear.

The bravest men... anywhere.

That this great land... will remain free.

God bless the men... of the 303.

Side by side... we know no fear.

Our minds are sharp.

Our eyes are clear.

In the air, on land... or on the sea... we're the fightin' men... of the 303.

Give us this day... our daily bread... and leopard skin... for our head.

That we may fight...



Looking good.

Bring it all back home.

Lassie barks twice, and it's time to take out the garbage.

Hell of a show.

Hell of a job.

It's just producing.

There's no Academy Award for producing.

You're kidding.

Where do movies come from if nobody produces them?

They come from people like you.

You just got to take the bitter with the better.

Job's almost done... knock on wood.

We did a good job.

That's our reward.

You can't save the world.

All you can do is try.

Ain't that the truth?

As we said, the president... thrust of the Albanian episode to put him over the top.

You could say that, Shirley, but it's not true.

What would be true, then?

You said it earlier, if I may rephrase... the success of the president in the polls...

As of today, 89% favorable.

Based not on the events... but on the spin given to those events.

What's the lesson here? Never give up.

You're right.

The show must go on.

Proud tradition.

I am prouder of this than anything I ever did.

You should be.

I want to thank you.

You gave me a good opportunity.

As we said, the president, a surefire winner... and the campaign, many said, that put him there.

Another great race today, Johnny.

Who you going to ride in the Stakes?

Eddie, like my daddy always used to say...

The message is irrelevant.

The main element we have to deal with... is that fear is what's driving a lot of people.


The president is a product.

He's the President of the United States at 89%.

Which we're dealing with today.


It's time the American people began to look at that.

Now we're going to take your calls.

The number is 1-800...

Oh, shit.

Stanley, what are you doing?

What am I doing?

I'm going to call somebody.

That's very funny.

I'm going to get these people straight.

You can't do that.

Watch me.

You knew the deal when you signed on.

Come on. Deals change.

Sure it is.

Let's rethink that ambassadorship.

I'm talking London. I'm talking Paris.

A secret account for your extra expenses... getting laid whenever you want.

Marine guards will salute you.

It's tempting, but I got to answer to a higher calling.

Art. Money?

You think I did this for money?

I did this for credit.

You knew you couldn't take the credit.

I'm not going to stand here... and let two dickheads from film school take it.

Listen to me.

Are you nuts?

Stanley, no fooling.

You're playing with your life.

Fuck my life.

I want the credit.

Know what the New York Times said about my last picture?

They called it "a thrill ride for the ages..." but they didn't mention the producer.

They talked about the costumes... but never talked about the producer.

You know what that picture grossed?

Now I'm going to stand here... and let some limp-dick film-school pansy... take the credit?

You can't do it.

Don't you tell me that!

Don't you ever tell me that!

I am the producer!

If I didn't step up, you're nowhere!

I put this together out of spit and polish!

Look at that.

That is a complete fucking fraud... and it looks 100% real.

It's the best work I've ever done in my life... because it's so honest.

They told me I couldn't remake Moby Dick... from the point of view of the whale.

$450 million domestic.

I'm not even talking about the video.

I made this lame turkey fly.

I did it... pure Hollywood.

For once in my life, I won't be pissed on.

Do you hear me?

I want the credit.

I'm taking it.


He's coming down.

Could I see you a minute? Thanks.

Do you swear to uphold... the duties and responsibilities... of a citizen of the United States of America... to defend her in time of peril... to defend her from all enemies, foreign and domestic?

Do you make this pledge with full resolve?

Common ground... and family.

Let's give thanks... to the 303.

Years from now... when we are gone... our children's kids... will hear this song.

Think how strong... and proud they'll be.

Grandpa fought... for the 303.

God bless the men... of the 303.


Present arms!

Turning to the Hollywood page... famed film producer Stanley R. Motss... died suddenly of a massive heart attack... while sunbathing poolside.

Mr. Motss was 57 or 62-years-old... depending on the bio.

His credits include numerous films... which America has come to love as old classics.

This just in.

A group calling itself "Albania Unite..." has claimed responsibility for the bombing moments ago... of the village of Klos, Albania.

The president was unavailable for comment... but General William Scott of the Joint Chiefs of Staff... says he has no doubt we'll be sending planes and troops... back in to finish the job.