Waiting... (2005) Script

Ha, ha, ha. Home sweet home.

Thanks, Cochise.

No, you fucking idiot! I've worked at a restaurant my whoIe Iife.

Shit! It gonna be that kind of a party, I'm gonna stick my dick in the mashed potatoes!

Guess who. Hi, Dean. It's Mom. Ah, shit.

I know you're not gonna forget lunch with me, but I thought I'd call just to make sure.

Oh, hey.

I forgot you were here.

Yeah, I know. I know.

What? Nothing.

I'II see you at work, okay?


Hey, there, Natasha. How's my favorite minor doing today?

Hung over. I got so shitty Iast night.

On a schooI night? Kids today.

I must say, there's nothing more attractive than tainted youth.

Yes. I am indeed a pervert.

Does that offend you? Nope.

I think that most tainted youths end up being perverts.

Good answer.

Oh, and Monty, just so you know, I'm onIy a minor for another week.

I turn 18 on Wednesday.

WeII, then I guess I better hurry up then. I don't have much time.

Hey, Dan. Hey, Monty.

How you doing? Good. This is Mitch. It's his first day.

I want you to show him around. Train him on everything whiIe it's sIow, and when the dinner rush hits, we'II have him watch the training videos.

Mitch, just Iisten to what Monty says today, and we'II have you out on the fIoor by earIy next week.

Sound good? Yeah.

AII right then. Give him a quick tour before your shift starts.

Good stuff.

WeII, Mitch, first thing. You ever worked in a restaurant before?

ActuaIIy, yeah- WeII, it doesn't reaIIy matter anyway.

Working in a restaurant's aII about Iearning a routine.

Everything that Dan wants me to show you, teach you, aII that can be Iearned in a few hours.

But... if you wanna work here, in this restaurant, I reaIIy think that you need to ask yourseIf one simpIe question.

How do you feeI about frontaI maIe nudity?

What the heck- Pretty fucked up, huh?

You see, the reason that I ask is most of the guys that work here Iike to pIay this IittIe game that invoIves fIashing their genitaIia to each other.

Are you serious? Yes, I'm serious.

Now, the exact object of the game is to get the other participants to unknowingIy Iook at your testicIes and/or penis.

And if they do, you ridicuIe them merciIessIy for being a fag and get to kick them in the ass.

But that's- I know. I know.

It's demented, depraved, senseIess.

AII true.

Now there are ruIes to the game- different variations on how to show your dick and/or baIIs which aIIow for more kicks.

But we're gonna get into that Iater.

Right now, the first thing that you have to do is Iook deep inside yourseIf and figure out if you can take an eyefuI of that.

So are you taking any interesting cIasses this semester?

WeII, yeah. I'm onIy taking the two cIasses, but I Iike 'em both.

I reaIIy Iike my teachers. CooI guys.

Both have mustaches, which is a IittIe weird.

WeII, that's just terrific. Yeah.

Guess who I ran into yesterday? Who's that?

Nancy MiIIer and her son Chet. You remember Chet MiIIer, don't you?

Oh, yeah. I remember Chet. Yeah.

I haven't seen that guy since high schooI. WeII, he was away at coIIege.

Right.

Didn't you two have aII the same honors cIasses together?

Yeah, we sure did.

Yeah, it sounds Iike he's doing reaIIy weII. I'II bet.

Seems he just graduated with a bacheIor's degree in eIectricaI engineering.

Wow. His parents must reaIIy be proud, huh?

WeII, I'm gonna go. AIways Iove these get-togethers.

I think we reaIIy broke through there.

Let me teII you something. My trainer, that bastard, he didn't prewarn me at aII.

He set me up big time.

Right around that corner. Okay.

Look at the Iog, bitch.

There are few things in this worId more unsettIing than going into the back to grab condiments, and ending up staring at a huge, steaming piIe of cock.


Hey, Serena.

Hey, babe. What's up, Hangover?

I'm not hung over.

Oh, you and Monty were crazy Iast night. Yeah, it was cooI.

How about you? You have a good time?

I wouId've had a better time if somebody hadn't been ignoring me aII night.

Was that me?

Think Monty and I got a IittIe carried away.

Oh, I swear, when you two are together. You're perverts! AII of you.

If you guys can go five minutes without referencing your genitaIs, I'II be amazed.

I know what you're thinking now.

You think we're aII gay, don't you?

Think we're aII just a bunch of deviant IifestyIe-Iiving, same-sex having motherfuckers, am I right?

Yeah.

WeII, Iisten. You can put that faggoty baby to bed right now.

None of the guys that work here are gay.

I mean, I'II stick my finger in my ass every now and again when I'm feeIing squirreIIy, but that's about the extent of it.

It's absoIuteIy true. I've seen him do it.

See what I mean? Perverts.

Hey, I've seen you use more than a finger.

Oh! Bye, babe.

What's up, buddy? Nothin', man. What's going on?

What? What?

What's wrong? I'II teII you Iater.

Listen, man. You got nothing to worry about. It's just a game.

ExactIy. And besides, you know, if heterosexuaI men can't show their cocks to each other, then what the heII are we doing here? Amen, brother.

You're adorabIe.

Hey, Bishop. This is Mitch.

He's the new guy.

I want you to do a coupIe things for me.

First, I want you to observe very cIoseIy your surroundings today.

Take everything in.

Leave no mentaI stone unturned.

Can you do that for me, Mitch?

Good.

Then I want you think about what your Iife wouId be Iike if you had been born bIind.

Thanks, Bishop.

Go. Go, go, go, go, go.

As you can see, this is a wait station.

This is where you're gonna get the ice, the soft drinks, the condiments, the doggie bags, et cetera and so forth.

That's the computer where you're gonna put the food and drink orders in.

I hate this fucking pIace sometimes, you know.

Why the fuck do we need four more peopIe on at this time of day, man?

Look at this pIace! It's fucking dead.

I swear, Dan needs to cIean the shit out of his fucking brain sometimes, man.

Fucking asshoIe. What are you Iooking at, fuckwad?

That's Naomi. And she's been working here way too Iong.

But she's actuaIIy a pretty sweet girI when she's drunk. Let's go.

Come on, baby. It's nothin' Iike that.

It's true. You just treat me Iike a piece of meat.

Not just any piece of meat, baby. A prime rib.

ReaIIy? Uh-huh. Baby, you're oozin' with sexuaIity.

Yeah, but why does it aIways have to be about my Iooks?

Just 'cause I dress sIutty doesn't mean I am sIutty.

Okay. This is for deIiveries. There's the Dumpster for the trash.

AIso, if you wanna get out of the restaurant and chiII out, here you go.

And these two fun-Ioving pieces of wannabe gangster shit are Nick and Theodore.

How many fucking times I toId you, man? It's the fucking T-dog, yo.

Sorry, G. Hey, yo, bitch.

What makes you think I won't cut you?

Aw. Come on, now, dog.

You know I'm just fucking with you.

You know I give you the mad, phat, superfIy, stupid-dope, dumb-ass, retarded, bomb-shit props.

Yo, it's aImost 4:20, dog. Let's go.

Those guys shouId be steriIized. And I'm not kidding at aII.

You don't taIk much, do you, Mitch?

ActuaIIy, you haven't reaIIy given- That's okay.

'Cause I didn't taIk much when I first started working here either.

You just gotta get used to your surroundings.

What's up, Poncho? Hey, Raddimus. How you doin'?

ActuaIIy, more importantIy, how are you and DanieIIe doing?

I saw that you guys were arguing, and-

Shit, you know, it wouId be a shame if you guys broke up.

You two are reaIIy good together.

Fuck off, okay. Even if we did break up, you stand no chance in heII, man.

She got this thing about dating grown men who've had sex with 16-year-oId girIs.

See, that's the probIem with women, okay?

They're aIways trying to project their own vaIues on you.

Whatever. Anyway, this is Mitch.

He just started today, so I thought I'd give you the pIeasure of expIaining the finer points of the game to him.

Oh, virgin bIood. FoIIow me.

Come here. I wanna taIk to you.

Thanks, Raddimus. Be gentIe.

There you go, Dean. Aw, thanks, TyIa. You rock.

Yeah, TyIa, you're the cooIest girI in the whoIe schooI.

Hey, man.

TyIa, every time I Iook at you, I wish I was a Iesbian.

Oh, what a coincidence. Every time I Iook at you, I'm gIad I'm a Iesbian. Ouch.

Oh, hey, Christy. It's just CaIvin caIIin'.

Just starting to work the doubIe.

You owe me.

No, I was kiddin'. You don't reaIIy owe me anything.

So, I was just caIIin' ya, 'cause it's kind of dead here right now.

So, I don't know.

Give me a caII back. I'm at work.

Duh. Duh.

Come on. TaIk to me, Goose. What's wrong?

Remember Chet MiIIer from high schooI?

TaII guy, kind of smeIIed Iike my dad's ass? That's the one.

My mother toId me he graduated with his bacheIor's degree in eIectricaI engineering.

Yeah, so?

WeII, you know, we were in aII the same cIasses in high schooI.

We're the same fucking age.

WeII, yeah. But eIectricaI engineering?

Come on. Screw that noise. Yeah, but come on, man.

We haven't even graduated from community coIIege.

Haven't even got our A.A. degree.

Then when we do, what? What the heII can you do with an A.A. degree anyway?

You can get a job substitute teaching for retarded kids or something.

ExactIy.

That's the dish area back there. This is where you pick up the food.

That's FIoyd. FIoyd!

WeIcome to Thunderdome, bitch.

Okay, that's the dry area, man. That's where we keep aII the condiments.

Right over here. This is the cooIer.

The miIk and vegetabIes, whatever.

Back here is the freezer. You'II find the meat-

Okay, so Iet me teII you about this IittIe game we pIay.

I assume Monty went over the basic idea with you, right?

Yeah, he- You know the object, right?

To have the other guy Iook at you naked.

Are you okay with that?

What are you, some kind of a fucking sick, demented pervert, huh?

No. I was- He toId me. Come on, bro. I'm just fucking with you.

Look, man, we're aII sick. AII right?

Now, Iook. The main thing to remember is to get the other guy to unknowingIy Iook at your cock and baIIs.

Okay, don't just fucking puII down your pants and say, ''Look at my dick!''

You gotta be sneaky.

I'm gonna go through the positions with you. The first one's the easiest.

CaII that one ''The Look.'' AII right?

AII you gotta do, puII down your pants reaI quick, show 'em the goods.

If they Iook, you get to kick 'em in the ass once.

Second one is caIIed ''The Brain.'' Right?

What you gotta do is isoIate your nuts with your fist.

Okay, now, take the time to Iook at it, okay?

Because it bears a striking resembIance to-

Aha. Brain. Yeah.

Okay. For that you get two kicks.

So- The third one, I caII it the ''Bat Wing.''

Okay. What you do is you take the excess skin from your nuts, and you take it and you make it fIat Iike paper, aII right?

Now, once again, you take the time to appreciate this.

You see that it Iooks aII veiny and aIive Iike a bat wing, aII right?

If they Iook, they get three kicks, aII right?

But you can't forget this, aII right?

You gotta caII 'em a fag, okay?

Very important. The game Ioses it's meaning if you don't humiIiate them for being a fucking meatcake.

You got that?

I just don't understand why your mom gives you so much shit anyway.

I don't know, man. You know.

She's my mom. She wants me to succeed in Iife.

Yeah. Whatever the heII that means.

Jesus, I'm just gIad my mom's not Iike that.

So I caIIed your house today at 2:00.

You were stiII asIeep, weren't you?

That's an understatement.

So what did you do Iast night? I trust my IittIe angeI didn't do anything immoraI.

WeII, Iet's see.

I started by getting compIeteIy hammered drunk. It was bad.

Then drove whiIe intoxicated to pick up this disease-infested prostitute.

Uh-huh.

From there, Iet's see. Me and the hooker went back to my pIace-

The hooker and I.

Excuse me. The hooker and I went back to my pIace.

And from there-

God, it was just a bIur of intravenous drug abuse and unprotected sex whiIe taking the Lord's name in vain.

Dean, did you know that when Monty was a chiId, everyone thought he was retarded?

Dean, doesn't my mom Iook oId?

I mean, Iike, much oIder than she rightfuIIy shouId?

So why aren't you and Serena stiII together? I Iiked her.

I don't know. I guess it got oId.

We had a reIationship based on orgasms.

Oh, how charming.

You are being safe, aren't you?

I don't think I couId handIe the idea of you reproducing.

Come on, Mom. Of course I'm being safe.

I puII out.

Yes, weII, your father puIIed out too, but we've aII seen the tragic end of that story.

You think I wanna have kids? AbsoIuteIy not.

That's why I stick to anaI sex.

If onIy I had been so Iucky.

Okay, so that's the Abraham LincoIn.

But remember, you have to shave it so it Iooks Iike his beard.

Otherwise, it don't count.

Now the Iast one. The Iast one is caIIed ''The Goat.''

Okay, it's a bit trickier. But if you can puII it off, you are a god among men, aII right?

What you do is you take your nuts and your dick, right?

And you tuck it underneath.

PuII your pants down, show it, aII right?

With it sticking out the backside. You got that?

Okay, weII, that just about covers aII the different variations that we have.

But you know, we're aIways Iooking for new positions.

So next time you got a IittIe down time, you find yourseIf a IittIe bored, pIay with your nuts, you know what I'm saying?

See what you come up with, okay? It's aII good.

AII right. I reaIIy onIy have one thing I wanna taIk about today, and that's teamwork.

When the dinner rush hits and things start to get hectic, you aII have a tendency to start yeIIing and screaming at one another.

That's just dumb and senseIess, 'cause you're onIy gonna be hurting yourseIves.

Let's think about it. If you upset the hostess, she's not gonna seat you.

If you upset the busboys, they're not gonna care if your tabIe's ready.

If you upset the cooks, they're not gonna care if your food's taking too Iong.

The brain! Ah, shit!

Oh, the brain!

I think you're aII great waiters and waitresses.

And you shouId be abIe to reIy on one another when you're in the weeds.

Remember, gang. The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that IittIe extra.

AII right. That's aII I have for you today.

Let's have a great shift.

Oh, uh, push the fish. It's about to turn.

That's it.

Dean, can I have a word with you? Sure.

Have a seat, Dean. Thanks, Dan.

How Iong you been a waiter? Since I was 18, so about four years.

Wow. You don't wanna be a waiter forever, do you?

What do you mean?

Carson got promoted to GM over at Riverside, so we need a new assistant manager.

I'd Iike to offer the job to you.

Are you serious? Heck, yeah, I'm serious.

Now I'm not gonna Iie to you. The job comes with more responsibiIity, but it offers a Iot more rewards.

You get fuII medicaI, dentaI, two-weeks' paid vacation, and I might add, a hefty pay increase.

I do pretty weII. CooI.

It is cooI.

And, Iet's not forget the power.

Right. ControI.

You teII peopIe to do things, and they have to do it, or they get in troubIe.

I mean, you're in the driver's seat here. Your finger's on the button.

Think about it. Okay.

WeII.

Are you okay? If you're not interested- No, no, no.

It's not that I'm not interested, I just-

Sorry, Dan, just a Iot of things- Can I take a IittIe whiIe to think about it?

Yeah. Oh, sure. Yeah, yeah.

Take your time. Yeah, don't rush, you know.

TaIk about it next week or something Iike that.

CooI. Thanks, Dan. Let me ask you something.

What's that? Why don't we hang out?

Oh. Like- Why don't we hang out more often?

We do at work. You and me.

I was thinking to myseIf Iast night, Iaying in bed, going, ''Why don't Dean and I hang out? We're practicaIIy the same guy.''

I-I-I sort of have a core group of friends. You have your own friends and-

You know what? You'd think I do. I don't.

Has anyone seen Dean? Oh, he's in the back taIking to Dan.

Yeah, you wanna know what they're taIking about?

Dan wants to make Dean assistant fuckin' manager.

WeII, did he take the job? I don't know. I couIdn't-

He better fuckin' not have.

Okay, whoa, whoa. HoId on.

I gotta warn you. Take my car, what do you think's gonna happen?

Yeah, I don't reaIIy think- Score.

Okay.

God.

Hey, so what was that about?

Nothing important. Just buIIshit.

What?

Hey, there, foIks. My name's Dean. I'II be your waiter today.

Can get you something to drink whiIe you're Iooking at the menus?

Hi, there, guys. My name is Serena, and I'II be taking care of you today.

Hey, there, Iadies. Hi, my name is Amy, and I'II be your waitress today.

Is there anything I can get you to drink whiIe you're Iooking at the menus?

Yeah, I want a singIe shot of whiskey and a doubIe-shot of whiskey, and she'II have a water.

You know, what the heII? It's our anniversary.

Why don't you bring her a Pepsi?

You'II be taking care of us?

I Iike the sound of that.

I Iike that.

Okay, I don't mean to be a bitch, but the Iast four times we've come here, the food was awfuI.

WeII, I apoIogize for the food the Iast few times, and we wiII certainIy do our best to make sure that doesn't happen again.

Yeah, that's what the Iast waitress said.

Can I get an extra side of bIue cheese? Sir, yes, sir.

Right. BIue cheese for you, stat.

Have a good day, big guy. Thanks.

Assistant Manager Jackoff.

Come on, you worthIess dick.

Just pee.

Fuck.

I'II try the other hand maybe.

Goddamn it.

I can't beIieve you wouId do that to me.

No, that's it. Do not- Do not caII me back.

Hey. Are you okay?

I'm about this cIose to swearing off men aItogether.

Let me get you another drink.

AII right, see what Serena's doing right there?

She's baiting those poor saps. I Iove Patrick Swayze.

Yeah? Yeah, you kind of remind me of him.

I guarantee you they're gonna Ieave her a fat tip.

Women, they're so fuckin' wiIy.

Oh, but poor, Amy. She's a different story.

She was D.O.A. from the very beginning.

And by extra Iemon we mean enough for our waters and then some more.

Look at the scowI on that woman's face.

It's aII my fauIt. That wouId be IoveIy.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

Don't worry. You are too kind.

She'II be Iucky to get ten percent.

I'm surprised you didn't give those guys a Iap dance.

Oh, what's that, jeaIousy?

Women troubIes, Amy? I just don't understand what wouId compeI a person to be such a bitch to a totaI stranger.

Maybe she was abused as a chiId. Oh, God. I fucking hope so.

Oh, man. You Iook reaIIy pissed.

You reaIIy are an asshoIe. Shenaniganz.

Fuck you. He has a shy bIadder.

So is there- Mitch, go in the back, check out the cooks.

I'II be there in a few minutes, okay?

So, what do you think of Natasha?

I think she's iIIegaI. Yeah. I've made peace with that.

SeriousIy, Iook at her. You know she has that Scooby-Doo tongue.

Statutory rape.

On the other hand, maybe she is too young.

Like that's ever stopped you before.

That is a very, very good point.

And I'm convinced Natasha wiII be mine. Thanks for the advice, buddy.

Hey, anytime. Yeah.

What's going on with you and Amy? What's up, Obsession?

Shut up. So how Iong have you two been-

Three months. Shit or get off the pot time. Yep.

Has even hinted that he's aware of it? No, he's acting obIivious.

Are you gonna taIk to her or hope you're never forced to make an actuaI decision?

I'm going with option ''B''. That's my boy.

Have you taIked to him about it? No. I'm pIaying hard to get.

Oh, but haven't you sIept with him the past five nights?

WeII, not reaI hard to get.

She reaIIy is a IittIe badass though. And fun to hang out with. Laid back.

Maintenance fees are reaIIy Iow. I Iike that.

Yeah, she's a cooI chick. I'd do her. HeII, I'd probabIy even pay.

I wouId.

I don't know, man. I'm not even thinking about Amy right now.

Who are you thinking about? Chet MiIIer.

Come on, man! You're wracked with regret just because some oId fuck-boy cIassmate graduated coIIege?

Are you gonna take the assistant manager job?

Wait. How the heII do you know about that?

Are you fucking kidding me? You know this pIace.

PeopIe with the day off aIready know.

HaIf of me is Iike take the job. I couId reaIIy use the money. It's a smart move.

But the other haIfs Iike, ''Am I fucking nuts?''

Do I reaIIy wanna end up Iike Dan?

Busted.

Hey, Rocco? It's Dan down at Shenaniganz.

Got another one for ya.

AII right.

Not on my watch.

And there you go, foIks.

Damn, boy. What the heII took so Iong?

WeII, you had the two weII-done steaks, so it usuaIIy takes a IittIe whiIe to cook.

Yeah, weII, couId you get me some more ketchup?

Sure. No probIem.

Nothin' sets off the fIavor of a steak Iike some ketchup.

And his mouth tasted just Iike buttermiIk.

Hey, Monty? CouId you drop off my food, pIease?

I can't deaI with that bitch anymore.

No probIem.

It's go time, Mitch.

Hey, there, Iadies. Amy's busy so I thought I'd bring your food out.

But I stiII have some saIad Ieft.

Oh, weII, wouId you Iike me to take the food back and bring it out in a few minutes?

Yeah, and Iet it dry out under the heat Iamps?

Just give me the food.

Okay. There you go.

Wait. Did that waitress Iisten to a word I said?

This steak is medium rare.

I asked for it medium. And I wanted extra gravy on my mashed potatoes.

Let me ask you something. How hard is your job?

How inteIIigent do you have to be to take a food order?

Jesus! Ma'am.

Ma'am, you're absoIuteIy right, and I apoIogize.

I'm gonna get this fixed for you right away.

Good. Now I can finish my saIad.

Okay.

GentIemen, we have our first officiaI bee-atch of the day.

Oh, come on, guys. She wasn't that bad, was she?

WeII, Amy, it's your tabIe. You decide.

She was a fucking bitch! Do it.

Yo, we need to get some fucking hydroponics so we can grow our own shit, yo.

HeIIs, yes. Soon as we get the hydro, we can run this city Iike the fuckin' mob.

I swear, we gotta grow it, smoke it, seII it. We'd be a fucking pimp.

Yo, and you know the bitches be Iovin' that shit.

We'II get more fuckin' puss than Busta, more than Dre, more than fuckin' Snoop Dogg.

So it's on then? We're getting the fucking hydro.

We're gonna run this city Iike the motherfucking mob.

The first thing we do is add a IittIe extra gravy to the mashed potato.

Ah, that's it. Good job, buddy. Nice one.

FoIIowed by a thin spread of cheese for your garIic bread.

Some ''fromunda'' cheese. Yeah, make us proud.

Fresh from the taint. We Iike this. Good.

Up next, what we're gonna do- How about a IittIe guacamoIe for the steak?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing?

Come on, man. You can't be mixing Mexican and ContinentaI.

Come on, man. I thought you was better than that.

AII right. How about a IittIe garIic saIt?

That's what I'm taIking about. Finesse, baby!

These guys have a deep commitment to their job.

FinaIIy, a garnish of aIfaIfa sprouts.

Adds a touch of cIa-

Touch of cIass to any meaI.

There we go.

Oh, God.

Good stuff.

I'II puII out my motherfuckin' shotty.

PuII up Iike John Gotti.

I'II have the motherfucker on the carpet. I fucked that bitch!

HeII, yeah, motherfucker. We be down-

Okay, NichoIas, Theodore. Boys.

It doesn't take ten minutes to take out the trash.

Now, if you don't get your asses out front and start doing some work, I'm gonna fire you faster than you can say, ''Yo, MTV Raps.''

Yes, sir. I'm sorry?

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Hey, Rocco.

Yeah, right there.

Here you go, ma'am.

I had the chefs take extra speciaI care of it for you.

I'm truIy sorry for the inconvenience.

You know, we shouId probabIy feeI guiIty, but she broke the cardinaI ruIe:

Don't fuck with peopIe that handIe your food.

AII right. How you guys doin'? Everything prepared okay?

CouId be better. It'II do.

I'm sorry. Is there anything I can do to make it better?

Yeah, get me an extra roII.

And bring me the check.

Sure.

No probIem.

And I'm gonna sing that bitch a fucking 187.

AII right then, CaIvin.

Just reIax and start at the beginning.

Okay.

About three months ago I just finished my shift, and I reaIIy had to take a piss.

So, I go into the bathroom.

And I'm at the urinal, just waiting for the flow, minding my own business.

When I notice out of my peripheral vision the guy standing next to me was looking straight at my dick.

He's just staring at it like they're old pals.

I could practically hear what he was thinking.

''Whoa. That's a nice dick. ''

And that's it.

Since that time, I haven't been abIe to use a pubIic bathroom.

Goodness.

And the next time I tried to take a Ieak, I couId've sworn the guy standing next to me was staring at me, and I freaked.

Quit staring at my dick!

In retrospect, I think I might've been mistaken.

What about the staII?

No, it didn't work either.

Every time I go to take a piss, I get the image of that guy's eyes on my shank.

And then that's when I start hearing the voices.

Voices?

I get this paranoid feeIing there are peopIe outside the staII, and they know I'm having a difficult time taking a piss.

I can hear them saying, ''What's taking him so long?

Why can't he just piss Iike a normaI person?

I don't hear any peel''

I'm reaIIy fucked up.

Psychosomatic auditory haIIucinations.

Most peopIe have to pay for such a thing.

So what the heII shouId I do?

WeII, first, you need to think about how this probIem affects other parts of your personaIity.

Oh. See, I recommend-

Oh, bro, that ain't right, man.

Take a Iook at the bat wing, bitch! Oh, it's so veiny.

Damn, Raddimus. Does DanieIIe know that you Iike to go both ways? How does that work?

Sweet victory.

Good job, asshoIe.

I'm sorry. Go ahead.

HeIIo, sir. My name is Monty. This is my trainee, Mitch.

How are you doing today? Oh, I'm sIipping graduaIIy into seniIity.

ReaIIy? Do you consider that a good thing or a bad thing?

WeII, it's a mixed bag.

It's good in the sense that I can take waIks in my underwear.

I can give smaII chiIdren the middIe finger.

But as Iong as I Iook happy whiIe I'm doing it, peopIe just assume I'm seniIe.

Yeah, so what's the bad?

WeII, sometimes I give smaII chiIdren the middIe finger and don't reaIize I'm doing it untiI someone sIaps me.

So I reaIIy am going seniIe.

AIzheimer's can't be aII bad.

You get a chance to meet new peopIe every day.

I Iike you, Monty. I Iike you too, sir.

I Iike you too, Monty.

So what couId I get you to drink?

I trust you.

You know what? You can count on me, sir.

I don't even care if he gives me a poor tip, that is the cooIest oId man I've met in my entire Iife.

How's your tabIe? CoupIe of hicks.

Yikes. Yeah, but the check totaI's $63, so even if they tip 15 percent I shouId make 10 bucks.

You're a bastard. So far I've made 15 percent of jack shit.

Jesus.

There you go, buddy. It's aII you.

Thanks a Iot. We'II see you next time.

How much did they Ieave you?

$1.91.

No fucking way.

Excuse me, sir. You forgot your change.

No. That's for you. That's your tip.

Oh, no, no, no. I insist. You take it.

You obviousIy need this more than I do.

I wanna speak to your manager now, pIease. This is horse shit.

Okay, Mitch, you see what Dean did there?

Don't ever do that.

What, did he stiff you? He might as fucking weII have.

Two bucks on a $63 check.

Oh, damn. That is pretty shitty.

For insuIting me I shouId get some free gift certificates and a key chain and a hat.

AbsoIuteIy, sir. Yes.

And how about a coupIe of sundaes with some nuts on 'em?

Yeah, I wiII have Natasha take down aII your information, and I wiII make sure corporate sends those to you.

You're gonna maiI me a sundae? I want it now.

Get in here. You wanna expIain to me what the heck you were thinking?

InsuIting a customer Iike that?

You're right. I know. I know. He just-

I'm having a reaIIy bad day, Dan, and that guy caught me at the worst possibIe moment.

I'm sorry. I Iost it. You're sorry?

I don't understand. I've never gotten a compIaint on you.

And you had to pick the day I offer you a promotion?

I promise you it won't happen again, okay?

Opportunity is knocking at the door. If you don't wanna answer it, fine.

There are peopIe who wouId jump at the chance.

CaIvin is chomping at the bit for this job.

I am offering you an opportunity to take it to the next IeveI, earn more money.

I want an answer by the end of your shift...tonight!

And Dean, this is an expIoding offer.

I don't work within the exact boundaries of the Iaw, because I wasn't consuIted when the goddamn Iaws were made.

No, instead, nameIess, faceIess poIiticians, the so-caIIed protectors of the moraI majority decide what is right and what is wrong.

I mean, come on!

I govern my Iife around my own personaI code of ethics, and I suggest you do the same.

That way if, within the constructs of my own moraIity I were to do something that was considered iIIegaI, so be it.

I feeI no guiIt whatsoever.

And furthermore, if I were to buckIe under the sociaI weight of the system by adhering to Iaws that I do not truIy beIieve in, then I wouId be extinguishing the very fire of patriotism and individuaIity.

It's- It's so-

In a sense, by having sex with Natasha, I'd be preserving the rights our forefathers fought and died for, right?

WeII, I guess- Bro, it was a rhetoricaI question.

Okay? So-

Oh, hey, Dean. I heard Dan yeIIing at you. It was kind of crazy.

You think you're stiII in the running for the assistant manager?

Did you ever just wake up and reaIize, ''HoIy shit. I'm a fucking Ioser.''

Yeah, man.

God, I just wanna be abIe to say, ''I wanna be a teacher,'' you know, or a podiatrist or a fucking eIectricaI engineer.

Anything! Just have a fucking cIue!

Hey, who has a cIue, right?

Hey, I don't. HeIIo? I don't know what's going on.

Hey, couId you put down the ice pick?

Sorry you had to hear that guy yeII. Oh, it's okay.

You shouIdn't have to be subjected to that.

You're way too sweet.

Way too cute, too. Stop it. You're gonna make me bIush.

Bet you drive the boys wiId at your schooI.

Maybe. I don't reaIIy Iike the boys at my schooI.

No? Why?

I prefer oIder men.

ReaIIy? Wow.

I Iike a man in power.

Yeah, weII, being a manager, obviousIy, I know what you mean.

It takes a Iot of power to command the respect of everybody at the restaurant.

That's true. Yeah.

We shouId go to dinner sometime and taIk about it.

I'II bring my manager card, and we'II just eat for free.

As they say, membership has its priviIeges.

What's up with you? What are you stiII doing here?

Christy asked me to work for her, so I'm working a doubIe.

Time-out. Isn't this your onIy night off this week?

Yeah.

And you're using it to work a doubIe-shift for Christy?

Wait. You actuaIIy have to get the pussy before you can be whipped by it.

That's right. You guys suck.

Yes, we do. Wait. Didn't you take out Christy Iast night?

Yeah, we went out Iast night. Come on, man! DetaiIs!

Fuck the detaiIs. I wanna know. Did you do it? Did you make a move?

What do you mean? Don't give me that shit. You know.

Did you kiss her? Rub against her skin? CuddIe with her? Rub her Ieg?

HoId her hand? NippIe tweak? Anything?

No, I'm stiII- Oh, my God!

I need more time.

Forget it. It's over. You're fucked. Not IiteraIIy.

Why? Because you won't puII the trigger. And you're too fucking nice!

Why do you aIways say that? I'm not-

What happens with every girI you Iike? Nothing!

You take 'em out, you pay for everything, and you never make a move!

Then you home, aIone, to masturbate whiIe you cry, using your own tears-

That was once, and I was drunk and it was VaIentine's day. So back off.

Don't try to candy coat it. AII we ever do is hang out and have sex.

What are you taIking about? Didn't I take you to the movies Iast week, huh? Huh?

Yeah, but you kept trying to get me to jerk you off.

What do you want? It was a duII movie.

Yeah, but I just get the feeIing that you don't care.

I don't care? I don't care?

When my uncIe died, didn't I ask you to be by my side at the funeraI?

Yeah, but you kept trying to get me to jerk you off.

How many times can we have the same exact conversation?

It's Iike we're stuck in a time paradox where neither our wisdom nor your virginity wiII ever escape.

I attempt to make a move.

I get in cIose. I'm there and I just get-

Fuck!

You need therapy. Hush, now.

The way I see it, with chicks, there's reaIIy onIy two possibIe things that couId happen.

Either they won't sIeep with you, and then there's no need to caII them again, or they do sIeep with you, and then there's no need to caII them again.

This is what I don't get. How can someone be such a compIete asshoIe aII the time and get as many women as you do?

That's a good question.

Amy! Serena! CaIvin needs our heIp. No.

No, I don't need heIp. Shh, shh.

Women Iike asshoIes, am I right?

WeII, I agree that you're an asshoIe. Okay.

''A'', fuck you. ''B'', just answer the question.

WeII, okay. GirIs Iike asshoIes, not women.

What women are attracted to is seIf-confidence.

Yes, and we absoIuteIy fucking hate insecurity.

Yes! The more insecure you are the more you ask, ''Is something wrong?''

''Is everything okay?'' ''What are you thinking about?''

''What's wrong?'' And the more you do that, CaIvin, the more it becomes this seIf-fuIfiIIing prophecy.

You just need to reIax and not worry so much. Okay?

Yeah. That makes a Iot of sense.

I'm gonna work on it. Yeah. Yeah, you do that.

And by the way, take whatever advice that she gives you with a big grain of saIt.

Yeah, and take anything that he gives you with a shot of peniciIIin.

SeriousIy, CaIvin, do yourseIf a favor.

UnIess you're combing the pIayground for middIe schooIers, don't become an asshoIe Iike Monty.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but haven't I been inside you?

Oh, Monty. Oh, me.

You wanna brag about your sexuaI conquests, you big stud, you?

Okay, you know what? Fine. Let's taIk about it.

Let me describe Monty's amazing sexuaI prowess.

He'd barreI into me with that pathetic excuse for a chiId's penis.

And it wouId end so quickIy, so abruptIy, I wouIdn't even have time to feeI any sort of morbid, accidentaI amusement towards his ''technique,'' which was basicaIIy him seizuring on top of me for, oh, about 45 seconds, whiIe I Iaid there trying not to Iaugh...or cry.

Ouch.

Is it any wonder why you stiII date girIs in high schooI?

They're the onIy ones Ieft. They don't know any better.

Okay, okay. AII right.

First of aII, for the record, I aIways had an orgasm when we had sex.

SecondIy, everybody knows that I'm oraIIy fixated.

You can't deny that I pIayed your vagina Iike a vioIin.

Oh! As if that somehow negates the fact that once we got past forepIay, you turned into the IittIe engine that couIdn't hoId his Ioad.

Oh, what the fuck ever!

If I was that bad, then why were you at my house every night?

AII I had to do was caII and say, ''Hey. I'm horny.''

And then fucking poof!

As if by some form of sIut magic you'd appear. Now why is that?

Because at first, I reaIIy Iiked spending time with you.

I thought you were a genuineIy interesting guy to be around.

Very true.

But eventuaIIy, it aII wore thin. I reaIized that your personaIity was just one short punctuated joke after another, much Iike our sex Iife.

And, oh, Monty, do you remember why we stopped dating?

Yeah, I do. Because you were oId news.

I was Iooking at other girIs and getting bored. BasicaIIy, that was why.

Yeah, yeah. AII that.

And the fact that I dumped you.

Wait, I thought you said you dumped- Shut up, CaIvin.

I was just trying to Iet you down easy, but this is buIIshit.

We both know that you enjoyed having sex with me.

The onIy reaI pIeasure I ever got from having sex with you came from making fun of it Iater with my friends.

TeII him, Amy. It's true. We Iaughed a Iot at your expense.

So you know when you're waIking past a group of peopIe, you hear them Iaughing, you sometimes get that paranoid seIf-conscious feeIing?

Maybe they're Iaughing about you when they're reaIIy not?

WeII, in your case, they reaIIy are.

God, I Iove her.

Oh, hello there.

Thank you for joining our family at Shenaniganz bar and grill.

It is our goal to maintain the absolute highest standard in all aspects-

Hey, man. We aII had to watch it.

I'm gonna come back and get you after the dinner rush. The tape shouId be done then.

CooI?

WeII, I mean, I guess. I-

...of our most sacred company policies to ensure that you have all the skills necessary to uphold our standard of excellence. Shit.

Are you ready? Well, okay. Follow me.

AII right, men. This is it.

The time has come. Remember, product pride. Portion consciousness.

Zero hour is upon us.

Let us seize the day!

Yeah, yeah! Carpe deez nuts.

God, I can't wait to quit this job!

Okay, your waiter wiII be right with you.

Hi there, foIks. What can I get you to drink?

WouId you Iike to start with an appetizer?

WouId you Iike a baked potato, french fries or rice piIaf?

Order up! Is everything prepared okay?

How about some dessert? And here you go, foIks.

I hope you enjoyed everything. I know I did.

Fuck! The five-second ruIe! The five-second ruIe!

One, two, three, four, five.

A IittIe fIoor spice makes everything nice. There you go.

Damn, man. We aImost had to switch to the ten-second ruIe.

You green snot-beard faggot!

Fuck you!

Oh, no. Hang on. I onIy have a smaII order.

I have to put in an appetizer. Goddamn it. ChiII the fuck out!

WeII, hurry up.

Okay, hey, gang. Listen up.

Let's get out there, take care of our guests.

I know it's getting crazy, but we can do it. We can do it.

Let's put that extra- just that IittIe extra- back in extraordinary.

Okay. There's no ''me'' in ''team.''

Yeah.

Hey, guys. Which one of these is medium rare?

Shoot. Let's just-

Goddamn it!

PIease.

Let me do it.

AII right, you two, Iet's go.

Hurry up, or your asses are fired!

So remember, find the solution before there's a problem.

Now let's go take a look at our problem back in the kitchen.

Come on, guys. This is buII crap.

Where the heII's my chicken sandwich?

Fuck you, bitch!

What the heII did I do to you, FIoyd?

Eat at Shenaniganz enjoy your food Eat at Shenaniganz Calvin works here Okay, that's hardIy sanitary.

Hey, Dan. I have a tabIe that needs to-


Trying to get a feeI for the whoIe manager thing. You caught me.

Do you think you couId get a feeI for it outside? I need some fresh air.

Hey, hey, Christy. It's CaIvin again. I-

Just caIIing again. Just checking in or whatever.

CaIIed before a few times. Maybe you didn't-

I got aII my bars.

So anyway, it's getting kind of busy.

But I'm never too busy to caII you.

So caII me back. You know the number. Okay. Bye.

Fuck.

So is everything okay? Is something wrong?

Are you mad?

Yeah?

Somethin' bad happens when you become a manager.

You put on your fuckin' tie, and you get your fuckin' IittIe manager card, and you're think you're so fuckin' cooI because you write the scheduIe and teII us what to do.

When in reaIity, you know you're not even worth a bit of buIIshit!

Whoa, Naomi!

ReIax.

ReIax, woman.

I guess if you become manager, you won't be abIe to date any of the waitresses.

While working here, you'll probably find some of your fellow employees attractive.

It's okay. There's nothing wrong with that.

But it's important not to act on those urges.

For Shenaniganz to run like an efficient, well-oiled machine, it's a must that everyone act as a team.

And when employees date each other, unfortunately, it complicates things.

So for that reason we strongly discourage such relationships from forming.

Dean, Amy, I just sat you. Oh, shit. What do we got?

WeII, yours are cooI. They Iook Iike business peopIe.

AII right. What about mine?

I don't know. They don't speak EngIish.

Foreigners! I'm sorry.

Are you mad at me? No, I swear. I'm just going by the rotation.

I fuckin' hate foreigners! It's such buIIshit!

Like they don't know how to tip? Oh, they know.

Aw, yeah, they fuckin' know.

AII right. It's time to show the goat.

You could cut through shoes if you had to.

I mean- What are you doing, man?

FrontIine stuff. Watch this. Watch this.

We have just been cutting things 90 to nothing.

And the cooks, they just love it because every time-

Hey, there, foIks. My name is Amy, and I'II be taking care of you.

Sir, what can I get for you? I'd Iike a New York strip, mid rare, and a baked potato with sour cream and chives onIy.

And- Hey. You're not writing any of this down.

Oh. SteeI-trap.

You got the baby back ribs with fries, you got the Mandingo chicken with rice and a saIad with a side of bIue cheese.

I respect the Iactose intoIerance.

Okay. Okay, you're good.

HaIey is so fuckin' fine, you know I be aII up in that shit. Give her the bowIing baII grip.

Two in the pink, one in the stink.

You guys are so one-dimensionaI.

WeII, fuck you, whitey.

I just sat you. You're gonna Iove them.

Hey, there, Iadies. My name is Monty.

Hey, FIoyd, make sure there's no bacon on that chef saIad. It's against her reIigion.

AII right? Yes, master. Right away, master.

Ain't gonna be no bacon on the saIad, master.

No bacon. Oh, no, no. Oh, no, no. PIease. Oh.

Oh, no.

No bacon on the salad

So, is there anything eIse I can get you foIks this evening?

I think I'd Iike a hot fudge sundae.

That does sound good. I'II be right back with that for you.

Like that bitch needs to be eating dessert anyway.

You know, if you ever want counseIing in anger management or... aIcohoIism, I'd be more than gIad to do it for you.

You'd do that for me?

Thank you. I appreciate that.

But I think I'd rather you just wash the fucking dishes and shut the fuck up!

Fucking psychobabbIe-buIIshit asshoIe!

Fuckin' bitch. Son of a bitch, cocksucker.

Fuckin', I hate her. I hate her!

Fuckin' Nick and T-dog!

That is why we are always on guard for guests. You never know when-

Shit. So you have to make sure they-

Fuck! Man, no!

If we're gonna beat Iast year's numbers, I need you to be more hands-on.

I need you to be sure things don't faII through the cracks.

BasicaIIy, I need you to be more Iike Dean here.

I question whether you can see that by me serving food, but thank you anyway.

How is everything, guys? Everything's perfect.

You're a master of your craft.

Thanks.

You keep this up, I may just try to Iure you away from this pIace.

AII right. WeII, thank you, sir.

Let me know if you need anything, guys.

You're probably wondering what makes Shenaniganz such a great restaurant.

So I thought I'd share with you a few key examples of why we've had so much success.

First of all, our entrées are always cooked exquisitely to perfection.

Our deserts were designed by gourmet chefs.

We always treat our guests with respect and dignity.

Did you see the tits on tabIe 12?

We treat each other with respect and dignity.

Fuckin'-ass pervert!

Remember, the difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little extra.

The penis just Iooks ridicuIous. It's Iike a shriveIed roII of dimes or something.

I know. It's a joke.

She's in Iove. Hey, TyIa.

You gonna taIk to your girIfriend aII night or make my drink?

That's okay. I understand how it works.

Birds of a feather fIock to vagina.

Get off your ass and get heIp!

You want some heIp, bitch?

Here you go.

Theodore! What the heck are you doing?

How many times I toId you? My name is T-dog, bitch!

My name is T-dog, bitch! My name is T-dog, bitch!

Hey, sweetie. It's aImost 9:00. I just came to say good-bye.

Hey, baby.

You wanna go in the car and have a IittIe sex?

So what if there's pIenty of parking spaces? It's the principIe of the matter.

Hey, you're preaching to the choir here. Know what I mean?

The Iord giveth, the Iord taketh away.

Damn, come on.

What the fuck?

Here you go, sir. Once again, I hope you enjoyed everything.

Thanks. See you guys.

Dean, I wanna teII you, you did an extraordinary job.

Oh, thank you, sir.

How oId are you? I'm 22.

WeII, you're obviousIy a very inteIIigent young man.

Let me give you my card.

Ever get tired of this pIace, you're Iooking for a new opportunity, you give me a caII. AII right.

Thank you, sir. I honestIy appreciate that.

Great. AII right. Have a good night, guys.

Thanks again. Thank you.

WeII, I hope he caIIs.

Mama said they's my magic shoes.

Mama said they'd take me anywhere.

Of course, Mama used to beat me with a rubber hose, caII me a retard.

Dude, pIease stop. Stop. Okay?

I appreciate what you're trying to do. I do.

But, dude, I'm reaIIy not in the mood for smiIing, aII right?

Okay.

What? The oId Iady at tabIe 37 wants you to sing the birthday song for her grandson.

His name is Timmy, and he's eight years old.

I need birthday singers!

Come on, peopIe! We need birthday singers! Fuck.

There he is. There's the big winner.

Yeah! Hey.

AII right. Attention, guests!

Today's a very speciaI occasion. It's Timmy's eighth birthday!

Big round of appIause. He's earned it.

He's got his whoIe Iife ahead of him. The sky's the Iimit.

I don't know but I've been told Someone here is getting old Good news is dessert is free Bad news is we sing off-key Happy birthday To you

Look at the camera! Picture time.

AII right. AII right. Cry it off.

WeII, we can't go in the parking Iot.

Can't go anywhere in the kitchen.

WeII, maybe we couId-

We are not having sex in the bathroom.

But- No. No way. Forget it.

Oh. Come on, baby.

Come on.

Okay.

Okay, but this is the Iast time. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So where do you girIs go to coIIege?

ActuaIIy, we're stiII in high schooI.

You're kidding. How oId are you girIs?

Sixteen.

Wow.

You Iook a Iot oIder than that. I wouId've guessed 19, 20, maybe 21.

Yeah, we get that a Iot.

Here. Let me give you a hand with that.

It's the stupid chiIdproof Iighters.

Hey, Bishop. Can I taIk to you about something?

Yeah, sure. Have a seat.

Thanks.

AII right, so I went to my mother's this morning.

You've been working here, what? About a year and four months, right?

Yeah, I guess. About.

But anyway, we have a good reIationship- About three years ago, this restaurant went through quite a Iow point.

Okay, I'm sorry. Did you wanna hear what I was gonna say or-

PIease. See, the store moraIe was beginning to sIip.

CIienteIe base began dropping off.

That of course, Ied to Iower tips, which in time, Ied to an even Iower store moraIe.

BasicaIIy, the entire restaurant was going through quite a downward spiraI.

Okay.

Then Raddimus began working here.

And with him came the penis-showin' game you aII Iike to pIay.

Okay, I- Why are you teIIing me this?

Restaurant began to improve.

EmpIoyees started having more fun at work. They started joking around a Iot more, which Ied to a raise in the cIienteIe base, higher tips and so on and so forth.

Yeah, I stiII don't understand, Bishop.

Point is, the penis-showin' game became a cataIyst for the change necessary to be made in the restaurant.

So, when things in your Iife become stagnant.

You know, you're no Ionger happy with what you're doing.

Then you figure out what's important to you.

Then create your own penis-showin' game.

MetaphoricaIIy speaking, that is.

Okay. Okay, thanks, Bishop.

So do you think taking the assistant manager job wouId be Iike my penis-showing game?

Is that what you're saying?

Okay.

Where the heII is it? It's been over haIf an hour!

ToId you it'd be up in a minute! Get out of my face or I'II Iose your ticket!

What? What do you want? Get back to the training room, you ass cock!

Goddamn it! I hate these fuckin' cooks. I hate them!

Twenty minutes for two medium-rare steaks? This is buIIshit.

What the heII? They need to get rid of every singIe one of these Iousy cocksucking mother-

So how is everything?

Give me a caII when you get this.

Can you bring this to tabIe 75? I gotta try to take a piss.

Okay, good Iuck. Thanks.

Okay, so how wouId you Iike your steak prepared?

Oh, Iet's see. Medium, medium-rare.

WeII, I want a hot, pink center.

Don't we aII?

AII right. Do you know what you guys want?

I'd Iike a tossed saIad, pIease. Oh, you're bad.

Yo, girI, give me the instant camera.

Yo, there's a birthday party in the kitchen. We're gonna take a picture.

Bus tabIe 73 first, and then I'II give you the camera.

Yeah, whatever.

Ma'am, I don't doubt the steak was overcooked, but did you have to eat it aII before you compIained about it?

It's too bad chIamydia has to be a venereaI disease. It's such a pIeasant-sounding word.

ChIamydia? ChIamydia.

ChIamydia. I think I might name my daughter ChIamydia.

Okay, he wanted the jumbo shrimp with baked potato, and she wanted the-

Fuck. What did she order?

I can't. Hothead.

Hi. Here's your change. I hope you guys have a reaIIy nice evening.

Fuck. Hurry up. Come on.

What's taking so Iong?

Shh. I'm trying to concentrate.

Somebody here?

Hurry up.

This is crazy.

Shh, shh, shh.

No, no. Stop. Stop.

Here we go. Oh, God!

My fuckin' man! Yeah, man! You Iike that?

Yo, give me the fucking picture back.


So, what are you doing tonight?

Oh, I'm sure I'II end up at the party.

Oh, yeah?

Do you-

Do you think I-

You wanna come to the party? WeII, yeah.

Those guys, they aIways seem to forget to teII me where it's at.

Okay. As soon as I find out where it is, I'II make sure to give you directions.

WeII, then. Tonight shouId be a good night for both of us, huh?

OnIy 30 more minutes to go, man.

We better not have no Iate-night asshoIe comin' in here.

So how'd y'aII do tonight?

I made about 70. 86.

I made 67 on a doubIe.

Oh, God. How pissed are you?

How much did you make? A biII.

I never make- How do you make a hundred doIIars every night?

You wanna know? Yeah.

You reaIIy wanna know how I make a hundred doIIars every night?

Yes. It's aII about that right there.

Yes!

Yes!

Monty with the assist!

I can't beIieve how many homos we got working in here.

It's crazy. Mitch, cherry-popping time.

Okay, Monty, my bitch. Kick me a fieId goaI.

You know what? I don't understand.

You pIot and you scheme on how to get the other person to Iook at your goat or chicken wing or whatever.

And then when he Iooks, you caII him a fag.

It's Iike it's an exercise in retarded homophobic futiIity.

You know you girIs Iove it.

So, seriousIy, Iadies, why don't you wanna pIay the game?

I reaIIy think that we'd be wiIIing to amend the ruIes for you.

Oh, yeah. I bet you wouId. No girI wouId ever pIay that game.

Why not?

You wanna know why? Yeah.

You reaIIy wanna know why? I reaIIy do.

Okay. I'II teII you why.

It's because of this! Oh!

Oh, yeah. Bang. Pow! Pow! Pow!

It's so angry!

Oh, God. Does that thing have its shots?

Put it away. Put it away. Dinner is served!

Oh, my God.

WeII, it's officiaI. Now my penis is just for show.

Mitch, you picked a fucked-up night to start working here.

Oh, my God. Bend over, boys.

Oh, it's Iadies' time.

Spread 'em. Let's go. AII right. That's enough.

You Ioved it.

Mitch, you're coming to the party tonight? WeII, yeah-

Great. Let's get this party started then.

I gotta stop home first. I'II meet you there.

Why do you have to go home?

Oh. Right. Sorry, CaIvin.

Okay, baby doII, you're definiteIy coming, right?

If you do everything right, I wiII.

Oh, God, Natasha, you're gonna have to stop that. You're making it hard.

I mean, difficuIt.

Hey, Cochise, we're out. I'II see you, okay?

Yeah. I'II see you there.

Okay, I am so ready to get stupid.

OnIy three more minutes tiII the baII drop, baby. Come on.

Come on.

Oh, hi there. You're not cIosed yet, are you?

Not quite. Oh, terrific.

Great. Here you go.

And Dean wiII be your waiter this evening.

Awesome.

Hey, there, foIks. My name is Dean. I'II be your waiter this evening.

HeIIo, Dean.

Hey, Chet.

I'm sorry, guys.

Why? Why? Why? Why?

Okay, so I'II go ahead and put your order in, and maybe when I come back we'II catch up a bit.

Yeah, sounds good. CooI.

Oops. How cIumsy of me.

Oh, man, Iook what I did. I'm aII thumbs today.

AII right, guys. Here you go, Chet. You got a steak.

So, did you hear? I got my bacheIor's degree.

Yeah, yeah. My mother toId me.

That's reaIIy cooI. CongratuIations. Yeah.

Yeah, I heard you were working here. Yeah.

Anyway. Yeah. I just started my new career. They're starting me off at 48,000 a year.

Wow. Wow.

Yeah, I've been Iooking at houses. It's reaIIy exciting.

I'II bet.

So what have you been doing? Oh, you know.

WeII, I've been working here, obviousIy.

And I'm stiII finishing up at C.C., taking a few more cIasses.

I was actuaIIy thinking about taking an assistant manager-

CouId I get some more tea?

Sure. Yeah.

Coming right up.

Hey, Dan, man, we outta here.

Okay, Dan, I'm just Ieaving now.

But here are the directions to the party.

What time are you coming over?

I shouId be out of here soon.

I'm gonna go home and change and be right over.

Okay.

I just wanna warn you, I might be reaIIy drunk tonight.

I hope you won't think Iess of me.

No. No, I'm not.

I won't.

Okay. WeII, I'II see you there.

Fuck.

Dean, reaIIy, it's- No.

It's what?

Here you go, Chet. It was nice seeing you again.

Yeah, you too, Dean. Listen.

You take care of yourseIf.

You too. Okay.

How much did he Ieave you?

He must have made a mistake.

Chet, Chet. I think you made a mistake.

You gave me a hundred doIIar biII. No, it's aII there.

We're straight. The check's onIy $31. That's Iike a $70 tip.

Look, I just thought maybe you needed it more than I do.

Hey! Dean.

Have you thought about it?

You want that assistant manager job?

'Weiser? No, thanks.

Look-

HeIIo? Hey, Christy.

What's up?

No, I'm not. No, I was just-

Oh.

Yeah, I'II see you tomorrow, then.

Okay. Bye. Bye.

Bye.

What's up with Christy? Oh, she's-

She's on a date.

That's why she wanted me to cover her shift.

She's- She's stiII with him.

God, that's it.

I'm gonna- I'm gonna change.

WeII, good.

You shouId start tonight.

Go get one of those high schooI girIs. You think?

Mitch, I want you to know that you did a reaIIy great job today.

And you didn't even cry once, which is more than I can say for my Iast trainee.

So, honestIy, you think you can handIe working here?

Yeah- Hey, fuck off for a second. I'II be right back.

Hey, whoa. Amy caIIed, she toId me what happened.

You know what? Fuck Chet MiIIer.

Hey, man, reIax.

AII right? ReIax. I'm okay.

You serious?

I'd be ready to kiII someone. No, you know what?

I'm gIad he came in. I reaIIy am.

Yeah, he was a prick, and at first I was so fucking pissed off, but it was weird.

In one second, it aII just kind of snapped into perspective.

PIease, eIaborate. Did you taIk to Dan?

Do you want the assistant manager job?

No.

I quit.

What?

You know, I thought about it. I thought a Iot about it and I know I don't wanna wait tabIes anymore.

This is aII temporary.

This is supposed to be the in-between time.

If I become an assistant manager, it's just one more step towards permanence.

Fuck that, man. No way.

So you've reaIIy...

What did Dan say when you toId him you quit?

You're fIushing a goIden opportunity down the toiIet.

And just so you know, Hot Dog, if you do come back, this job won't be here for you.

I hope you're right. I am right!

You're fired! I mean, I aIready quit, so-

No, you're fired!

I write the book, okay?

Here's how it went down. You waIked in-

You're fired!

AII right. Then, thanks for being so mature about this and professionaI.

I was very professionaI. You're fired.

AII right.

Get out! Get out of my sight!

That's harsh. Yeah.

He'II be cryin' himseIf to sIeep tonight on his cock-shaped piIIow.

What are you gonna do now?

I don't know.

I don't know.

I'm definiteIy gonna do somethin'.

Fuck it.

Let's go out there, Iet's ceIebrate, Iet's just get totaIIy fucking annihiIated, hammered-ass drunk and then run the train on Amy.

Fuck.

You reaIIy are an asshoIe, man.

So I'm toId.

You're a good friend too.

Let's just keep that on the DL. I'm aII about Iow expectations.

What, are you fIirting with me?

Oh, by the way, CaI.

I've been thinking about your pubIic bathroom phobia.

Yeah? I beIieve I have a soIution.

ReaIIy? What is it?

TeII me what to do. Okay, but first, cIose your eyes.

CIose my- Okay.

Now... envision yourseIf at a bathroom urinaI.

With everybody you know crowded around you.

They're cheering you on.

They're chanting your name.

Not only do they want you to urinate, they wanna see it.

Proud of you, buddy! HeII, yeah!

Fuckin' piss, man! We beIieve in you!

You can do it!

You pissing son of a bitch!

Now, see yourself urinating, Calvin.

You can do itl Do itl Do it.

It's historicl So, go ahead and visuaI that for the next few weeks.

Start off at home first, by yourseIf.

Then you can move to a staII, and then eventuaIIy to an actuaI urinaI.

Thanks, Bishop. I mean it.

That totaIIy makes sense.

Look, weII, you guys, I'm feeIin' good.

You know what? I'm gonna go taIk to one of those high schooI girIs.

WeII, good Iuck with that. Thank you.

So, what grade are you in?

Oh, Iook at that. A bedroom.

No.

What? What do you mean?

You start pIaying this weird, ambivaIence buIIshit, and it makes me feeI psycho.

And I never get psycho!

I know.

So I need you to do me a favor.

I need you to not be such a pussy.

Wow, there's the sass that I was missin'.

You're a fIake. I know I'm a fIake!

Fuck you! You can't even get a boner.

Whoa, sorry to interrupt.

Wait. Hey, Bishop.

I created my own penis-showing game.

So you quit your job.

How'd you know I quit?

Wow.

Are you okay?

Is somethin' wrong?

Just checking.

Wait. Wait, wait.

What?

You turn 18 next Wednesday, right?

Yeah.

Okay, then-

Why don't we make this a ''to be continued... untiI next Wednesday''?

Why? Do you think I'm gonna turn you in?

You think you're going to get arrested? No, no, no.

I just- I feeI Iike I don't wanna be- taking ad-

Let's just wait the week. Okay.

Okay.

But if anybody asks, anybody at aII, I fucked you.

Twice!

So, Mitch, how was your first day?

WeII?

WeII, it was-

I remember my first day.

What a doozy, huh? Bishop, you're gonna Iove this.

I was so nervous I dropped this bowI of soup on a nun.

Hey, turn down the music for a minute.

Hey, wouId you turn down the music? Dude, chiII.

WouId you turn down the fucking music for a minute! Jesus!

This is fucking buIIshit!

I have been here aII goddamned day and you haven't Iet me say one thing!

None of you!

WeII, damn, Mitch, I- Oh, no, asshoIe!

You shut the fuck up now. It's my turn to taIk!

You're aII fucked in the head! AII of you! I mean you-

Change your fuckin' tampon and have another drink you crazy, fuckin' bitch!

And you! ''I don't know what to be when I grow up!''

Join the fuckin' army or something!

Goddamn!

Oh, and you!

You know what? You're too easy.

And you.

Fuck you, Monty!

AIways gotta be right, with your IittIe quips!

We get it, man. You're fuckin' edgy and cooI. Yeah!

You're the cooIest fuckin' guy at Shenaniganz!

That's Iike being the smartest kid with Down syndrome!

Oh, and, oh, yeah.

Why aren't you in jaiI? I mean, what are you, Iike 13, 14?

She's aImost 18.

You know what? Fuck this!

You aII suck. I quit.

Oh, yeah.

There is one more thing.

You.

You are the biggest piece of shit in this entire restaurant.

And I hope you burn in heII.

Me? What the fuck did I do to you, man?

SeriousIy?

Oh, shit!

The goat! The goat, you bastard!

Fuckin' faggots.

That was the shit!

Mitch! Mitch! Stop, pIease.

Look, Iook. Stop, stop.

Okay, I am sorry, and I hereby swear my undying aIIegiance to you.

You are the fucking man.

Now, come back to the party.

PIease?

I swear to God, I'II never underestimate you again.

AII right. Okay.

AII right.

Dean, you've been repIaced.

Fuck!

AII right, everybody, Iisten up.

From here on out, Mitch is a made man.

Anyone who has anything different to say, Nick and T-Dog wiII fucking fuck you!

Let's taIk about that T-Dog one more time!

Shut up!

What's that?

Don't do that!

Yo, man, yo! Yo! Beer run, man.


Why the heII wouId you do that?

He's a fucking manager. WeII, he asked, so, I-

You Iost major cooI points for this.

What the heII are you doing here?

Yo! What you doin'?

What's up? How you doin'? Those Iook heavy.

No, I think you can make it.

AsshoIe. Shenaniganz.

You bring my goddamn gift certificates?

Is...Natasha...here?

Okay. Yeah. They got me.

AII right. Okay.

You- One week!


When you're struggling Livin' off Ramen noodles I'm in my Lexus Finger-bangin'poodles You call me a busboy I'll bust you three times Slice you three times Slice you three limes And make you squeeze 'em on your own cuts And, bitch, you best give thanks before you eat my nuts Yeah, who's that motherfucker throwing pot in the ground These bitches used to clown me Now they surround me My mom tries to ground me I'm gonna slap her I'll fuckin' cap her Don't she know I'm a rapper I don't care about love Fuck amore Fuck the dumb whore-ay All day And then suck my dick all in its glory Swallow my nut This shit is gourmet I'm hor-nay but you fuckin' sluts bore me So fuck you, bitch I'll fuck your mama Then I'll kill your papa to top the drama Then I'll rape a llama to top that drama I'll eat that pussy like Jeffrey Dahmer I got a gat in my hand A pound in my tighty-whities A hit on my shit will make your eyes Chinese My wallets are thick and here's the thing, you dumb bitch Even my come's rich You fuckin' retard I'll pull your fuckin' card You ready, willin' and able You call me fuckin' fake just because I bus tables Fuck you I'll fuck your navel Real thugs pop guns You steal cable

I got more bush than High Times More rhymes than LeAnn Pull out my glock Now you pee in your pants It's your last chance, I'll cut your retinas It's your last glance Yo, bitch, you're fucking worthless And if you backstab me I'll show you what a hearse is You can't be fixed by a hundred surgeons I'll pull out my heater and boom, bye-bye Even when you're dead I'm bustin' nuts in your eye Sin, sin, sin I'll stick a dildo in While I'm hidin' in the Shenaniganz' garbage bin And with the other hand I'll doodle on some napkins Fuck you with a loaf of bread and make you cheat on Atkin's Ah, yeah. Oh, motherfucker.

I work at Shenaniganz Blow me 'cause I'm an OG So get the fuck out my dome before I split yours I used to have spit wars and now I split whores in two I am the walrus Koo-koo-ka-choo So back up, sonny We got mad honeys We make much money And don't you dare laugh

'Cause this shit ain't funny Squeeze the trigger Now your head's all bloody We got new rides Now we'll flip the switches No more dirty dishes I'll steal people's wishes And clock mad digits Pump on a blot and have sex with hot midgets I love when your cunt is balder than Bruce Willis Nick and T-dog, motherfucker We the illest Peace out, bitch-ass motherfuckers.

Get the fuck out of my fuckin' face.

Get the fuck out of my fuckin' face. Bitch-ass motherfuckers.


Oh, yeah!