Waitress (2007) Script

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Hon, you've put it off long enough.

What?

You know what. You know what.

Negative. Negative.

Come on, negative.

Come on! Dear Lord, please protect our Jenna from the hell of unwanted pregnancy.

I don't need no baby. I don't want no trouble.

I just want to make pies.

That's all I want to do, make pies.

I thought you weren't sleeping with your husband no more.

He got her drunk one night.

I should never drink.

I do stupid things when I drink, like sleep with my husband.

Oh, no!

Looks like a pink line is forming. Shit.

One line or two lines?

One line or two lines?

Two lines! The control line and the other line, the bad line, the "yes" line. Let me see that now.

Two lines, two definite lines. There's no mistaking them.

What's going on in there?

We have customers! Where are my waitresses?

Hold your balls straight, Cal. Jenna ain't feeling well.

What's wrong with her?

It's none of your business, you blowhard.

I'm fine, Cal! We'll be right out.

Hurry up!

Hon, you okay?

Shh. I'm inventing a new pie in my head.

Tomorrow's blue plate special.

I'm calling it "I Don't Want Earl's Baby Pie."

I don't think we can write that on the menu board, hon.

Then I'll just call it "Bad Baby Pie."

What's in it, honey?

It's a quiche of egg and Brie cheese with a smoked ham center.

Sounds good, baby.

I ain't never going to get away from Earl now.

You going to tell him?

I'm not sure.

If my plan comes true and I can make my big escape from him in a couple months, maybe he never even has to know.

Are you sure it's his child?

You know everything I do. I ain't never cheated.

Ah... I'd never do that.

Eh... I feel sorry for you, Jenna.

I mean, I'd do anything to meet a man, and Becky's husband is a senile fruitcake.

Dawn! Well, I'm sorry, it's true.

But now here you are, married to this handsome guy.

Who's got very good hair.

Who's got very good hair.

And pregnant with a little girl.

How do you know it's a girl?

We don't know it's a girl. But neither of us would trade places with you for one second.

Now would we, Becky?

No, we wouldn't, Dawn. No, we wouldn't.

Except, just once in my life, I'd like to be able to make a pie half as good as Jenna can make a pie.

Yeah, me, too. Oh, come on.

So what if I can make a decent pie?

Who cares? Look at this, Jenna.

As you can plainly see, my right boob is much higher than my left boob and Dawn here has pasty, pasty skin.

I'm stuck in a marriage to Droolin' Phil the Invalid, and Dawn eats TV dinners alone, but still, we wouldn't rather be you.

I do have pasty, pasty skin.

Yeah, I know, you're here.

See you tomorrow, honey.

Good luck.

And if you do tell him you're... Shh!

Hey.

Hey.

Hiya there, Earl.

We all just agreed that your hair is super attractive.

Hooray for you.

Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo!

I don't care if she is a pie genius.

I wouldn't trade places with her.

No, me neither.

You don't look happy to see me.

Are you happy to see me?

Yeah, I'm happy to see you.

Even brought you a piece of today's special, "Kick In The Pants Pie."

Cinnamon spice custard.

You don't give me a kiss.

Well, give me one.

There. That's more like it.

Where's that money you made today?

Right here in my pocket.

Well, now, hand it over.

Not much here, is there?

Slow day, you know.

Yeah, you been having more and more of those.

I'm really not sure it's worth you working there anymore.

I think I might rather have you be at home making me pies all day long.

You didn't ask me how my day was.

How was your day?

Ask me like you care about it.

How was your day, Earl?

Well, you know, Johnson's on my case again, about the mortgages and everything.

But I don't make the bank policy, and I told him that, but he doesn't listen.

"I Hate My Husband Pie."

You take bittersweet chocolate and don't sweeten it.

You make it into a pudding and drown it in caramel.

You're not listening to me.

Yeah, I am.

What I say?

You were bitching about Mr. Johnson.

What were the exact words I said?

Well, I mean, I can't repeat them verbatim...

You don't listen to me!

Hurts my feelings.

Please just say you're sorry so I can let you out this car so you can make my dinner.

I'm sorry, Earl, for not being able to repeat your words verbatim, something I should be able to do.

Whenever I need it.

Whenever you need it.

All right, then.

You look handsome tonight, Early.

Thank you, honey.

It's been a long time since you called me Early.

I like it.

And you look pretty tonight.

Maybe a little tired is all.

You're not eating your spaghetti pie. Why not?

I'm thinking I want to borrow some money from you.

And my answer to that, of course, is no.

There's a big pie Bake-Off in Jonesville in a couple months.

And I'd like to go.

And my answer to that, of course, is no.

Prize money is pretty good.

Why do you need money?

I give you everything you need, don't I?

Absolutely.

You want for nothing, don't you?

Yes, Earl, I want for nothing.

I mean, your pies ain't bad.

But what's so important about that when you got me to take care of?

That's a good point, Earl.


Jenna Hunterson.

Hello, Mrs. Bunterson.

Hunterson.

Who are you?

I'm your doctor.

Oh, wow, you brought me a pie.

How nice. You know what?

I've only been here a few weeks, but already I am genuinely impressed with the hospitality of this place.

You're not my doctor.

Lily Mueller is my doctor.

This pie is for her.

It's Marshmallow Mermaid, her favorite.

Well, she's semiretired now.

Just sort of happened this morning. She kind of quit.

We didn't have time to call anybody.

But Dr. Mueller delivered me.

I mean, she's been my doctor forever.

I really liked and trusted her.

Maybe you could really like and trust me, too?

I've never even seen you before.

Yeah, I just got hired.

Long story, making it short, this is still Dr. Mueller's practice, I'm the junior doctor on staff.

Um, just moved here from Connecticut two weeks ago.

Dr. Mueller had a class over the summer and I was a student of hers, and is this story boring you?

No... yes.

Sorry, anyway, it's nice to meet you.

What's your name again?

I'm Dr. Jim Pomatter.

Okay.

And you are? Jenna Hunterson.

Jenna Hunterson. It is nice to meet you.

So... What seems to be the problem?

Well, I seem to be pregnant.

Good.

Good for you. Congratulations.

Thanks, but I don't want this baby.

Oh, well, we don't perform... uh...

No, I'm keeping it, I'm just telling you I'm not so happy about it, like everybody else might be.

So maybe you can be sensitive and not congratulate me and make a big deal every time you see me.

I'm having the baby, and that's that.

It's not a party, though.

Got it, okay, not a party.

Uh, well, then, why don't we, um... we'll have to do a blood test, make sure you're pregnant and then we'll check for diseases, hormone levels, stuff like that?

Sounds like a plan.

Okay, well, the nurse will be right in.

Um... don't go anywhere.

Nowhere to go.

Come in.

Hi, Jenna, have a seat.

Okay, I'm going to give you this pie now, Dr. Pomatter.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you very much. Look at that.

You know what? Just push-push all of those off onto the floor.

Go ahead, push them off. That's fine. Just...

I'll get to those later.

Well, un-congratulations-- you're definitely having a baby.

Un-thank you.

So for the next eight months, if you need me, I'm here.

If you have any questions, just give a call.

We'll be doing some tests.

All of which I'll tell you about before they happen.

And I'm going to give you a prescription for, uh, prenatal vitamins.

And do you have any, uh, questions for me?

What kind of questions?

I don't know. Concerns about your pregnancy?

Do's and don'ts?

Anything you're wondering about?

Exercise, sex...

I don't really do much of either of those things, so...

Okay, any diet concerns?

Not really. I mean, just eat healthy, right?

Eat healthy, um, avoid certain cheeses, certain fish...

The receptionist, she can give you a list of good and bad foods for your pregnancy, general do's and don'ts.

Okay.

And here is your prescription.

I'll just... sorry.

And, uh, it was very nice to meet you, Jenna.

And I'll want to see you again in about three weeks. Okay.

Okay.

I do have one question.

Shoot.

How pregnant am I, exactly?

Very pregnant.

There's really only one degree of pregnancy, so to speak.

No, I mean, uh, how far along am I?

Uh, about six weeks, give or take.

Yeah, that was Earl getting me drunk that night, all right.

You're late.

By six minutes. I'm sorry. The bus was late.

Why doesn't your damn husband buy you a car already?

'Cause he don't want me goin' nowhere.

And you, late again.

You are inches away from being fired, missy.

Oh, just try firing me, you old bucket of cheese.

Who you calling a bucket of cheese, you heifer?

Now get to work before I fire your ass.

Calm down, you psychotic ape.

Hey, what are you doing? Close the door!

How's the doc?

Fine, it was fine.

New doctor, a man.

A man, wow.

Is he single? Maybe he's good for Dawn.

No, I think he was wearing a ring.

Weird guy, nervous.

From Connecticut.

Hey, honey, could you do me a favor?

What?

Old Joe just came in and sat in my station.

Could you take him? I can't deal with him today.

You're better with him than I am.

Yeah, sure, I'll take him.

Thanks, hon, you're a trooper.

Oh.

What? What's wrong?

You okay? You going to be sick?

I'm okay.

Just nauseous for a second.

Hurry up, let's get to work!

Hi, Joe.

How you doing today, my friend?

What can I get you?

This is my pie diner.

I own it.

I know you do, Joe.

And I think it's warm in here. I know I'm warm.

I'll tell Cal, hon.

They keep all my businesses too warm on the inside.

My gas station, my supermarket, my Laundromat...

But this is my favorite business.

Joe's Pie Shop.

I'm Joe.

And I will not tolerate it being too damn warm in here.

I hear you, Joe.

Turn the air on.

Yes, sirree, bub.

Okay.

I want two glasses of water, no ice.

Two glasses, no problem.

Two glasses. Right.

No ice.

And I want the "Bad Baby Quiche Pie" with tomato on the side, on its own plate.

No potatoes with that?

Did I say anything about potatoes?

Where'd you get potatoes from?

No potatoes, tomato.

On its own plate.

Salt and pepper.

That everything?

No.

I want orange juice.

But don't bring that first.

Bring the water first.

Bring the orange juice with the meal.

Okay, listen to my horoscope before you skedaddle away.

"Aquarius...

Smooth sailing today as Mars enters your inner circle."

Whatever the hell that means.

"The ones you love will listen carefully to you today, just make sure you're careful with what you say."

Hmm. I don't have ones I love.

Want to hear yours?

Uh, I'm Aquarius, too, hon.

I don't have ones I love either.

Just ones I live with.

Excuse me, I feel like I'm going to be sick.

You okay, sweetie?

Yeah, I'm okay.

Good. Listen, um, I have a five-minute blind date tonight with an insurance salesman named Pete.

Five foot 10, 37, all his hair, nice picture, loves fishing. Five-minute date?

Can't the guy pay for the whole thing?

Yeah, see, um, I have this idea.

I'm meeting men through personal ads, but I just give them five minutes.

Whether or not we like each other, we just have five minutes together. Huh.

That way, you know, if the guy makes me sick, I don't waste a whole evening. Anyway, I'm supposed to meet this guy at 7:00 at Banshee's.

I was wondering if you would do a full makeup for me here in the bathroom, before I leave?

A full makeup for five minutes?

Well, yeah, it's very important to make a good first impression.

I mean, wh-what if he's Prince Charming?

There is no such thing.

Whatever.

Will you do that for me?

Yeah, of course.

Oh, would you also make me your "Falling In Love Chocolate Mousse Pie"?

That is my favorite pie.

What the heck, I'll do it during my break, okay?

You are the queen of kindness and goodness.

You with child?

Shh, quiet.

I've seen that look on a woman's face before.

Name was Annette.

I made sweet love to her all through the summer of 1948.

She got that sick look on her face like you had all through the fall.

I almost married her right up.

She lost the baby, though.

Close call.

When you due?

Shh, Joe...

Don't want Cal to hear. You can't lose my job.

I'm trying to save money so I can leave my husband.

Why, what's wrong with him?

Hey, there's no salt and pepper on the table. I asked for salt and pepper and no ice in my juice glass.

Can't you get nothing I say right? I'll go get your salt and pepper and juice with no ice.

But you got to promise me you'll keep your mouth shut about this baby.

What baby?

Good man.

Honey, Earl's on the phone.

Tell him I'm busy. You don't talk to him, he might come over here and cause a scene again.

Yeah, okay.

Can I ask you a question?

Is it my imagination, or is my left one drooping down even more today?

I'm starting to feel like something Picasso would have made.

Do me a favor, hon, get Old Joe some O.J.-- no ice-- or he'll bite your head off.

And some salt and pepper. You got it.

Hello, Earl.

Good, good.

No, I-I am glad you called.

You picking me up tonight?

No, that's fine, I'll ask Becky to give me a ride.

Yes, I know you work hard.

Earl, I've got to get back.

We're busy here today.

Okay.

Bye.

I love you, too.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Mm.

"Falling In Love Pie."

Oh, pretty outfit, Dawn.

Thank you.

It's a little tight in the butt, I fear.

Oh, no worries. Men like a little meat back there, don't they, Jenna?

I have no idea what men like.

Speaking of more meat, does Earl have any clue at all that you're pregnant?

No, he don't notice, and I'm never going to tell him.

I'm just going to run away.

Wow.

How much money you got saved?

Not much, $1,200 and I can save another couple hundred before the Jonesville Bake-Off.

How much is that prize money?

$25,000, hon.

Wow. What pie you going to bake?

I'm not sure.

I was thinking I'd make one of my real unusual ones, like my mama used to make.

One where you wouldn't think the ingredients would all go together, but they do.

Huh.

Dawn, you're beautiful.

Your skin looks like a normal person's.

Thank you.

I know what you should do with that prize money, Jenna.

You should open your own pie shop.

Oh, yeah.

You should have your own little pie shop somewhere.

Somewhere where they could really use a little pie shop, like Europe or New Jersey.

Wow, my own pie shop.

Jenna's Pie Palace.

Jenna's Pastry Heaven.

Okay, back to reality for a minute.

Hey, can you give me a ride home, Becky?

Earl don't want to pick me up tonight.

No, take the bus.

I can't drive you. I've got somewhere to go.

Oh, where you going?

I can't tell you that.

What? What?

Yet! I can't tell you that yet.

Why not?

Got to go!

You have fun on your five-minute date.

Use a five-minute condom.

Hey, wait a minute. Bye.

Hey!

Well, whatever it is, I hope it's good.

Go look at yourself, hon.

This guy's not going to know what hit him.

Go on.

Oh!

Look what you did.

You made me almost pretty.

What do you mean "almost pretty"?

You're lovely.

Look at yourself.

Oh...

Hey, sweetie? Hmm?

You think you can drop me off at the bus stop on your way to Banshee's?

Yeah.

"Baby Screaming Its Head Off in the Middle of the Night and Ruining My Life Pie."

New York-style cheesecake, brandy brushed, with pecans and nutmeg.

Hello.

Jenna?

What?

Hi. Dr. Pomatter.

Yeah.

What are you doing here?

Oh, my car wouldn't start this morning--

God knows why.

Got to take the bus home.

Where do you live?

Uh, Stanton Grove.

Oh, it's nice over there.

Yeah, yeah, it's nice.

If you like trees, which, you know, who doesn't like trees?

It's a long walk.

Do you mind if I sit down?

Not at all.

Thanks.

So you're a waitress.

I'm a waitress.

Where do you work?

Uh, a little diner off Highway 27.

Joe's Pie Diner.

Oh, wow.

Sounds like a veritable factory of pie.

I've never been there. Is it... is it... is it good?

Yes, it's very good.

We make all the pies there fresh.

Breakfast pies, dinner pies, 27 different varieties of pie.

And a new one that I create every day.

I was just inventing a new one in my head when you walked up.

Did you make that marshmallow pie that you brought me?

Yes, I did. "Marshmallow Mermaid Pie."

I invented it when I was nine years old, in my mermaid phase.

That was probably the best pie I've ever tasted in my life.

That pie, it was... that pie was biblically good, that's how good it was.

That pie could win pie contests and ribbons and things. It was...

Thank you.

Yeah.

You know, there was a pie diner right near where I grew up.

And I used to go there every day after school.

I had a mad crush on this waitress named Beatrice.

She looked tragically cute in her uniform, and years later, I was doing my residency and she came in with an emergency ovarian cyst.

I actually treated her.

Wow.

That must have been something for you.

Well, she was at least 50 years old by then.

Life does funny kind of things sometimes.

Yes, it does.

Yes, it does.

You want to hear something else kind of funny?

When I saw you sitting here alone in your uniform, I... I had a flashback.

You made me think of her.

You kind of remind me of her when she was younger.

Wow. What a thing to say.

Yeah, sorry, it was a compliment.

No, I know.

That's why it made me uncomfortable.

You're blushing.

Sorry, I shouldn't have said that.

No, it was a nice thing to hear. I...

Nobody ever notices me in that way.

Well, somebody noticed you that way-- otherwise you wouldn't be in the condition you're in.

Oh, him? Yeah.

He don't count. He's just my husband.

I'm kidding. Of course he counts. He's my husband.

Oh!

Oh, here's the bus.

Call me whenever you need me, Jenna.

I'm here for all your questions and concerns.

Please?

Please?

Please?

Please?

Come on, honey.

I-I feel sick in my stomach.

You know, it's been over a month.

I feel about as sexy as a tree stump.

You ain't never been sexier.

Am I imagining it, or are your boobies getting bigger?

Like they grew a size practically overnight.

That's crazy, Earl.

I got to be with you or I'm going to die.

Come on, baby, kiss me back.

Move up, baby. Come on, honey.

Say something sexy to me.

What do you want me to say?

That was... That was great.

That was great, baby. Mmm...

Wasn't it?

Yes, absolutely wonderful.

♪ We'll meet at 3:00 by the sea ♪

♪ Let it flow ♪

♪ Flow ♪

♪ We'll nervously shoot the breeze ♪

♪ Let it flow ♪

♪ Flow ♪

♪ We both got nowhere to be ♪

♪ Let it flow ♪

♪ Flow ♪

♪ You make my heart skip a beat ♪

♪ Let it flow ♪

♪ Flow ♪

♪ It's like lovin' when she smiles ♪

♪ Tastes just like pumpkin pie ♪

♪ And the storm clouds will fill the sky... ♪ Oh, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no. I don't want you as my waitress.

I want her, Dawn.

That lady right there.

Oh, well, I'm sorry, honey, but you're sitting in my station.

All the tables in Dawn's station are taken.

No, but I don't want you. I want her.

Well, if you want to eat in this diner, you got to sit here, and I've got to wait on you. She a good friend of yours?

What can you tell me about her? What's she...

What are her likes and dislikes? What does she look for in a man? Uh, honey, I'm just here to bring you pie or coffee or something like that.

I don't dispense romantic advice.

What if I paid you?

Excuse me, I'm going to go talk to Dawn for a minute, see if she won't come deal with you herself. Oh, that'd be wonderful.

♪ She tastes just like pumpkin pie ♪

♪ The storm clouds they fill the sky, and I've arrived... ♪ You've got to help me. What is going on?

That guy, his name is Ogie, short for Oklahoma.

I was supposed to meet someone named Pete last night.

Instead, he sent Ogie.

It was the worst five minutes in my life.

I made the mistake of telling him I work here.

How could a five-minute date be that bad?

He took me through the entire medical and psychiatric history of his family.

Oh, no.

And he told me he wants to marry me.

Oh, no! Marry me!

And he's not giving up, not ever giving up, that's what he said.

First guy that pays any attention to me in years, and he turns out to be the mad stalking elf.

I'm telling you, Jenna, your makeup job was too good, and your "Magic Love Pie..."?

I'm sorry.

What am I supposed to do? You go over there and you tell him you're not interested.

I told him that last night. Tell him better.

Come with me. I can't. I've got to go throw up.

Fine, I'll just go over there myself.

I'm a very persistent man, Dawn.

I know what I want. I know what makes me happy.

Blah, blah, blah.

I'm a tax auditor.

I make $31,000 a year plus bonuses.

I drive a very nice compact car.

I eat at all the best restaurants within a 50-mile radius.

I love my mother.

What else do you need to know about me?

How to make you go away. You can't.

You can't make me go away.

'Cause I don't take no for an answer.

I'll just keep coming back and coming back till finally your resistance is weakened.

'Cause we were meant to be together, Dawn.

You don't know me!

Oh, yes, I do.

You're Dawn.

And you inspire poetry in me.

Here's one I'm making up right here on the spot.

"Dawn, can I bring you joy

"like you brung me sunshine?

Can I hold you a minute and it turns into forever?"

Do you like that one? No!

Okay, how about a spontaneous tidbit that rhymes?

"All my life I've met harlots, "but you are a queen... da, da, da, da, da, da, da... something between..."

I... I got to work on that one.

Leave me alone.

I can't leave you alone...

'cause I'm in love with you, Dawn.

And you're going to be my wife.

Listen to me.

You make me sick!

I think you're nothing but a crazy little freak, and I wish you would go away and die!

I... I...

Oh, I'm sorry, hon.

Jenna.

You're always on the phone.

Sorry, this is important.

Yeah, what's so important?

Can I please have some privacy?

Hi, uh, is Dr. Pomatter there?

This is, um, Jenna Hunterson. I'm his patient.

Hi, Dr. Pomatter.

It's Jenna Hunterson.

Um, listen, I'm sure it's nothing, but you said to call if I had any concerns.

And this morning, um, I'm bleeding a little bit.

No, no, it's very, very light, like spotting.

Come in to see you?

Okay, uh... tomorrow morning?

You in at 7:00?

Oh, okay, then.

Glad you're open so early so I won't be late for work.

Thanks.

See you then.

Who are you seeing at 7:00 tomorrow?

Not telling you, 'cause you don't tell me your secrets neither.

Oh, so this is a secret.

No, I'm just going to see the doctor.

There, that's my big secret. What's yours?

Can't say. Not yet.

Why the hell not? Well...

Hey! Hey!

Don't you have customers?

How come you can't never say one nice thing ever like, "How are you, Jenna?"

Or "Nice to see you today, Jenna" or "Great apple pie today, Jenna"?

All you ever say is stuff like, "Don't you have customers?

Get out of the kitchen. Get back to work." Don't you have customers?

Get out of the kitchen. Get back to work.

♪ ♪

Hello, Jenna.

Hello.

Here. I brought you some "Peachy Keen" tarts.

Wow, thanks.

You're welcome.

Where's everybody else? Uh, I came in a little early to see you. Nobody else is here.

Oh.

That's why I'm opening the door for you.

I see. So come in.

Now, you say the bleeding was very mild?

Yeah.

And has it stopped?

Yeah, I only saw it the one time.

Okay, good.

Well, you can get dressed now and, uh, meet me in my office when you're ready.

You, you're not going to examine me?

No, no need. No.

Just get dressed and we'll talk.

Okay.

Hi.

Hi. Come on in. Sit down.

Oh, my God.

Mm.

Well, am I okay? I mean, is something wrong with me?

No.

Mm!

No, there's nothing wrong with you.

Uh, light spotting is a perfectly normal symptom in early pregnancy.

Were you concerned about a miscarriage?

Not really.

Is that everything you have to say?

Um... yes.

No. Well, what?

I...

Nothing.

Um, you can go now. Uh... I'll see you at your next regularly scheduled appointment, and again, don't hesitate to call... To call you if I have any questions or concerns.

Exactly.

Why'd you have me come all the way in here if spotting's a perfectly normal symptom in early pregnancy?

I mean, I had to get up early, take a bus, walk five blocks, just to hear that spotting is a perfectly normal symptom?

I have no response to that.

And what time does this office normally open, Doctor, 8:30?

9:00.

9:00?

So-So you came in here two hours early just to tell me that spotting is a perfectly normal symptom?

Well, it would seem that way, yes.

Good-bye, Dr. Pomatter.

Good-bye, Jenna.

I think you're strange.

I'm not sure I want you to be my doctor anymore.

You make me uncomfortable.

I'm sorry, Jenna. I'm really sorry.

Whatever it is I do, I will not do it anymore.

You should not be uncomfortable at this time.

You're doing it again. How? What did I...?

I don't know, you know, that nice-guy-talky thing you do.

You just... Oh, forget it.

Damn! My purse!

You forgot your pur...

Hey!

Don't walk away from me.

Well, what do you want?

I want to see you again.

I want to talk to you somewhere outside of here.

Maybe we could have a coffee or something.

I can't have coffee. It's on the bad food list you gave me.

What kind of doctor are you? Well, you don't have to have coffee.

You could have water or fruit juice.

That's a bad idea.

I'm married. You're married.

I'm pregnant.

You're my doctor. Uh...

You're right, it's crazy. It's unethical on my part. I...

Wait!

No kissing in the street.

I have a very jealous husband.

He'd kill you if he ever saw us. He don't like when other men even look at me. Is he large?

He's large enough, and he drives right past here on the way to work. Well, maybe we shouldn't be standing in the street then.

I've got to go make pies.

It'll take me time to walk the five blocks, wait for the bus. I don't want to be late.

Cal gets mad when I'm late. Let me drive you.

No. Yes.

Please.

Well, thank you for the tarts.

They were unbelievably delicious.

"Delicious" is not even a good enough word for what they are. They...

I mean, what you do with food is... unearthly. It's sensual.

Does anybody else appreciate...?

You're welcome.

So, um...

Do we...? I mean, what do we...?

Dr. Pomatter, I'll call you Can I... if I have any questions or concerns.


"Earl Murders Me 'Cause I'm Having an Affair Pie."

You smash blackberries and raspberries into a chocolate crust.

"I Can't Have No Affair Because It's Wrong And I Don't Want Earl To Kill Me Pie."

Vanilla custard with banana.

Hold the banana.

Don't you have no home?

Excuse me. What?

I'm wondering if you have to sleep outside my diner, 'cause maybe you don't have no home.

I have a home.

Right, and a bad husband, I remember.

You got lipstick all over your face.

What?

Your lipstick is all smudged, like someone gave you a good one.

I'm going inside now.

Once you're done wiping away all your indiscretions, I'll be sitting in my booth wanting fresh-squeezed orange juice, no ice, and a "Spanish Dancer Pie" with potato crust.

Here you go.

"Dear Elizabeth..." Do you know this column?

It's for the lonely hearts.

"Dear Elizabeth.

"My husband fell in love with another woman

"from his workplace.

"I want to kill myself.

"I want to write

"the perfect suicide note

"that would let him know just how much pain he has caused me.

"I'm wondering if you can dispense any advice

"on composing a suicide note

"that would harm my snake of a husband

"and his slut girlfriend the most.

Yours truly-- Betrayed in Biloxi."

Elizabeth just gives her some nonsense about not killing herself.

I love living vicariously through the pain and suffering of others.

I don't believe for one second you're as mean as you play.

You tip me better than anyone.

Oh, what do you know?

Bring me more water for this empty glass.

Mm-hmm.

No!

No. No.

Mommy!

What did I say?

No.

All right, now stop it, sugar, please?

Okay, you can have chocolate milk, okay?

I'm sorry. You can have as much chocolate milk as you want.

Okay, all right, you little...

Okay.

Jenna, come on.

Listen, you can have chocolate milk, okay?

Here, darling, we bought you something, a present.

That's sweet. You shouldn't have.

Open it.

Okay.

Oh, it's a book.

What a Mama You're Going to Be.

Oh, look at that.

We know you didn't initially have a strong happiness about this whole baby thing, but she is coming anyway.

We don't know it's a she.

We figured we'd give you something that every woman is supposed to read.

And every woman is supposed to read something like that... we think.

Well, thanks.

You best read and absorb it. Hey, you know, I was thinking. Have you ever heard about those people who sell their babies for lots of money through, like, lawyers and stuff?

Jenna, you can't sell your baby. That's a horrible thought.

I was just thinking, if I did, I might make enough money to finally get away from Earl.

I mean, at this point, the baby is the only real financial asset I have if I don't win that pie contest.

I am going to pretend that you are not saying this.

Not everybody wants to be a mama, Dawn.

That don't make me a bad person.

You're not getting any more affectionate towards that little baby?

Not at all?

I respect this baby's right to thrive.

I do nothing harmful to it.

I don't drink, I watch my diet, but no.

I feel nothing like affection.

Maybe that man smothered all the affection out of me.

I don't know.

Well, I got to get back to work.

Yeah, uh, breakfast crowd's heating up.

Yeah.

Hey, thanks for the book.

All right.

Jenna, there's all these cool things to do in here.

Um, there's a little scrapbook section in the back, where you can put pictures of your pregnant belly as it develops.

Oh, and there's a place where you can write your first letter to your baby.

Oh. Right here.

Right in the middle.

Okay, Dawn, thanks.

First Letter To My Baby.

First letter.

Where's my water?

Dear baby...

Dear baby, if I was writing you a letter, it would probably sound something like an apology.

I know everyone deserves a mama who'd want a nice baby such as yourself-- who was also a good wife, a fine member of society.

And I can't rightly say that I'm any of that, and I'm not sure the world is such a fine place to be bringing you.

Many of the people I've met are not worth meeting.

Many of the things that happen are not worth living through.

And you shouldn't take it personal, baby, if I don't seem like all the other mamas-to-be, jumping all over themselves with joy.

I frankly don't know what I got to give you, baby.

What if I leave Earl and don't win that contest next week and don't have no money?

What the hell am I going to do with you then?

You sure is getting fat, baby.

All my life, baby, the only thing I ever want to do is run away.

What kind of mama is that?

I wish I could feel other things, baby.

Like excitement that you're with me now or faith that I'll be a good mama, even if my life ain't such a good place and the world as I see it ain't so pretty like they'd have you believe in this book.

Anyway, I'm writing this letter to you.

It sounds more like a letter to me, don't it?

Love, Mama.


Where you going, Jenna?

Nowhere, Earl.

I-I mean, to work.

Then why you got a suitcase?

Earl!

Shut up and get in the car.

Pie-baking contest, huh?

Yeah, I was just going to go up there and win and surprise you.

No, you're lying.

You ain't never gone to a contest before in your life.

You're lying to me.

Earl, don't...

Why you lying to me?

I'm pregnant!


When was you going to tell me?

After I won the pie contest.

Well, you ain't going to no pie contest.

You know what? You ain't going nowhere.

Here's the thing, wife--

What if you decide to love the baby more than you love me?

Women do it all the time.

They have a baby and then it's to hell with the man.

You're jealous of the baby?

No, I don't get jealous.

It's below me.

I'm just talking it out.

I'm talking my feelings out.

And I know how women get.

And I'm just not sure I want that happening.

I'd tell you to get rid of it, but I want you in the same place as me in the hereafter, if you know what I mean.

Maybe if you promise me that you wouldn't love the baby more than you love me.

You know?

That you'd make a real effort to love me more.

If I need something, you'd keep taking care of it.

You'd hold on to me more.

I come first-- not any baby.

Well, can you make Early that promise?

Absolutely.

Then say "I promise."

I promise.

Say "I promise I will not love the baby more than I love you, Early."

I promise I will not love the baby more than I love you, Early.

How about that?

We're going to have ourselves a baby.

A baby boy.

I bet it happened that night I got you all drunk.

Where you going?

Gotta throw up.

Mrs. Hunterson, the doctor will see you now.

Hi there. I'm Nurse Norma.

I'll be helping Dr. Pomatter with your ultrasound examination today.

You have any questions?

This is where we look at the baby's heartbeat?

Yes, among other things.

You nervous?

No. Do I seem nervous?

Yes, you do.

That's normal.

Everybody's nervous before their first ultrasound.

I'm not nervous, though.

Okay, you're not nervous.

Come in. I'm dressed.

Hello, Doctor.

Hello, Mrs. Hunterson.

How have you been feeling?

Fine.

No problems?

Nope.

You had no questions or concerns this past month.

No, I certainly did not.

Okay, well, lie back.

Uh, Norma, would you get the lights for me?

All right, this isn't going to hurt at all.

It's just going to be a little cold.

Here we go.

All right.

Okay, just a little pressure.

Now what are we looking at?

Ah, there we are.

We are definitely having a baby.

You want to see?

I guess.

Just look at the screen.

There.

Everything looks great.

You see that little... that flickering right there in the middle of the screen?

Yeah.

Right there.

That's the heartbeat.

Congratulations, Mrs. Hunterson. Glory be. Hallelujah.

Uh, Mrs. Hunterson doesn't really like to be congratulated.

Oh, sorry.

Huh.

Don't really look like much at this point.

Certainly don't look like no baby yet.

Well...

Ah, thank you, Norma. That's all we need you for.

All done here.

Well, there you have it.

Yeah.

So I guess we are officially forgetting about that nonsense that happened last month?

Yes, we officially are.

I want to apologize for it.

I almost called you just to apologize.

I mean, I was so stressed out at the time, taking on all those new patients.

I hadn't been sleeping well.

My judgment was not what it normally is.

I want you to know that'll never happen again.

From now on our relationship will be strictly a medical and professional one.

Jenna, no.

Not with the door open.

Dear baby.

P.S. I'd want to be able to teach a baby such as yourself the difference between good and bad, right and wrong...

...but it seems I'm not fit to teach nobody nothing.

Dr. Pomatter, you still in there?

You got a phone call.

I'll be right out, Norma.

Mrs. Hunterson needs to be weighed. Would you take care of that?

And you can get dressed. I'll see you in my office in a few minutes.

Don't do that again.

Okay, what? Okay, I won't.

Kiss you, you mean?

No, not that. I didn't mean that.

I mean don't go away for a full month and not call.

No questions or concerns.

Don't do that.

This is craziness, Dr. Pomatter.

Please, call me Jim.

No, I won't.

Okay, don't. Just Dr. Pomatter's fine.

Dr. Pomatter, this is so...

I don't want to have another conversation about how crazy this is or how sorry I am, or how bad my judgment is, or how I'll never touch you again.

Not only would I be lying, but every time I start saying those things, all that happens is you attack me.

You're right. Have you been taking your prenatal vitamins every day? Faithfully.

Any bad morning sickness?

Not too bad, no. No more spotting?

No more spotting. Good, I'm going to want to see you again on Friday for another appointment.

Do you have time in the afternoon?

Do you get a lunch break?

Yeah, but I'll have to ask Becky to drive me.

Ask Becky to drive you. Noon.

Tell the nurse at the desk on your way out that you want to be fit in.

I have to go to St. Mary's now and deliver a baby.

Because that's what I do.

Okay.

Are we on the same page now?

We're on the same page.

Good, then.

I wish it were Friday.

♪ I want a girl with a mind like a diamond ♪

♪ I want a girl who knows what's best ♪

♪ I want a girl with shoes that cut ♪

♪ And eyes that burn like cigarettes ♪

♪ I want a girl with the right allocations ♪

♪ Who is fast and thorough and sharp as a tack ♪

♪ She's playing with her jewelry ♪

♪ She's putting up her hair ♪

♪ She's touring the facility and picking up slack ♪

♪ I want a girl with a short skirt and long jacket... ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I want a girl who gets up early ♪

♪ Gets up early ♪

♪ I want a girl who stays up late ♪

♪ Stays up late ♪

♪ I want a girl with uninterrupted prosperity ♪

♪ Who uses a machete to cut through red tape ♪

♪ With fingernails ♪ ♪ Hey! ♪

♪ That shine like justice ♪ ♪ Ho! ♪

♪ And a voice that is dark ♪ ♪ Hey! ♪

♪ Like tinted glass ♪ ♪ Ho! ♪

♪ She is fast, thorough ♪ ♪ Hey! ♪

♪ And sharp as a tack... ♪ ♪ Ho! ♪ Dear baby.

At first, it was really just about the sex...

♪ I want a girl with a short skirt and a long... ♪

♪ Long... jacket... ♪

♪ Na-na-na-na-na-na, na-na-na, na-na-na ♪

♪ Na-na-na-na-na-na, na-na-na, na-na-na ♪

♪ Na-na-na-na-na-na, na-na-na, na-na-na ♪

♪ Na-na-na-na-na-na, na-na-na, na-na-na ♪

♪ Na-na-na-na-na-na, na-na-na, na-na-na... ♪

Jenna, the doctor is ready for you now.

Hi there.

Oh, Dr. Mueller, how are you?

I thought you retired.

Semiretired.

I'm just out of retirement for the day, my dear.

Dr. Pomatter and his wife had to fly back east for a funeral this morning.

Oh, he flew back east with his wife?

How you feeling? You doing okay these days?

I'm fine. Just fine. You know, knocked up and everything.

Yes, I heard.

How's it working out with Dr. Pomatter?

Oh, he's a great doctor.

Is he coming back soon?

I don't really know.

I think so.

Today we're going to do some blood work.

It's standard stuff.

Just to see how the baby's developing.

I don't care. Do I have to do it?

Yeah, you have to do it.

You may be a little weak afterwards, so you should call your husband or somebody to come pick you up.

Yeah, I'll call him.

Is that pumpkin pie for me?

Kind of.

It's just something I invented.

"Naughty Pumpkin Pie."

Hey, you ever going to tell us your secret, girl?

Yes, I am, when I'm ready.

I've got a secret, too.

You, Dawn?

Yes. I have a boyfriend now.

No!

Yes.

Well, who is he?

Tell us everything, honey.

You're never going to believe it, but, um... you know that guy came to the diner that day, wouldn't leave?

Name was Ogie?

Ogie, the stalking elf?

Yeah, I remember that guy.

What about him?

Well, it-it's him.

Well, that is wonderful, Dawn!

Isn't it, Jenna?

Yeah, that's wonderful.

How'd that happen?

Well, you know, he was true to his word.

He didn't never give up.

His cousin Pete gave him my number.

He called me, like, 30 times in one day.

I thought I might kill him.

But he got to me.

He did?

Yeah.

Well, he's so passionate.

He writes me these spontaneous poems.

Spontaneous poems.

Yes, they are poems that just occur to him right on the spot.

Last night he said to me, "Dawn, your face is a brilliant moon in my empty room."

Aw...

"Your love is like a beating drum, ba-bum-ba-bum-ba-bum-ba-bum."

Hmm.

And yeah, I know what you're thinking, that he's not... so pretty... but he grows on you.

And anyway, he's it, 'cause nobody else wants me.

Well, honey, you probably shouldn't be with someone just 'cause nobody else wants you.

Yeah, well, you are.

And you wouldn't know it to look at him, but he is a sexual dynamo.

Wow.

No, you wouldn't know it.

Well, Dawn, I sure hope it's making you happy.

You don't mean that.

Yes, I do.

Nope.

I know what you're thinking, 'cause you called him an elf.

Only 'cause you initially called him an elf.

You're jealous. No!

You are.

Because you have the most mean, controlling husband in the world, and you are stuck there!

But I have found someone who loves me to death!

Well, let's hope not to death.

And I am happy!

Good.

When the fruit pies go in, would you put this one in with that one?

I'm going to go and clean up now and set up my station.

We'll see you out there!

Don't say nothing.

I wasn't gonna.

I'm not in no position to judge nobody.

Neither are you.

I hope I didn't hurt her feelings too bad.

She'll be fine.

Hey, is Cal inside yet? Yeah, I saw him.

Think it's time for me to tell him about the baby.

You got the oven under control?

I do. Wish me luck.

Wishing you luck, honey.

Well, uh...

What?

It seems I'm almost five months pregnant.

Yeah, so?

So I just thought I should tell you.

I already knew.

You did?

Yeah, I thought everybody knew.

Oh, who told you?

Nobody told me. Nobody needs to tell me.

I mean, look at you.

What'd you think?

I thought you went and got fat?

Truth be told, as long as you can carry a tray and fill a pie tin, I don't care if you give birth while doing it.

Well, I'm relieved.

I'm not such a bad guy, maybe.

You're not such a bad guy, maybe.

Well, get out there and get to work, Jenna.

Come on. We ain't got all day.

I'll get to work.

♪ Don't make me beg on my bended knees... ♪ How you doing today, Joe?

Same bastard as yesterday, Jenna.

How are you?

Same train wreck.

And how's the baby doing so far?

So far so good, no problems, no birth defects, no diseases, whatever.

Good, good.

How's the bad husband?

Just awful.

And the lipstick smudger?

The lipstick smudger?

The dog on the side.

The affair.

: Shh, Joe, I'm not having no affair.

Okay, you're not having no affair.

Want to hear your horoscope before I give you my order?

No.

Too bad, here it is.

"Aquarius.

"If, indeed, you're having an affair, "it might be a good time to step back, "look at your life and reassess things a bit."

It don't say that in there.

Yes, it does.

It says, "Even if you have a miserable, snake husband, "you probably shouldn't be having no affair, "'cause it's beneath you

"and could make you seem like a common hussy.

"Not to mention the pain you could cause other people."

You're just making that up.

This afternoon I want the "Singing Tuna Fish Casserole" no pickle on the plate.

Well-done Frenchie fries with melted Swiss cheese and gravy on their own plate, and "Jenna's Special Strawberry Chocolate Oasis Pie." You got that?

I got that.

Give me a smile, Jenna.

Nobody makes strawberry chocolate pie the way you do.

Wednesday's my favorite day of the week, 'cause I get to have a slice of it.

I think about it as I'm waking up.

Could solve all the problems with the world, that pie.

You're making too much of it.

It's just a pie.

Just a pie?

It's downright expert.

A thing of beauty.

How each flavor opens itself, one by one, like a chapter in a book.

First the flavor of an exotic spice hits you, just a hint of it.

And then you're flooded with chocolate, dark and bittersweet, like an old love affair.

And finally, strawberry; the way strawberry was always supposed to taste, but never knew how.

In fact, I tell you what.

Forget all the other stuff I ordered.

Just bring me the damn pie.

That's all I want.

I don't care if it's not a well-balanced meal.

Just bring me the pie.

Old Joe'll maybe not have much longer to live, you know?

Then I better bring you the pie right away.

Yes'm, you better.

I love you! Oh!

I love your breast. I love your breast.

I love this breast! Mmm! I like this breast, too!

Oh!

Uh, there's my order, Cal, and I'm going to need a slice of Oasis.

Gonna go throw up now.

Jenna.

Whoa! No, Cal!

Jenna! Hey!

I didn't plan it, Jenna.

It just happened.

He's got such nice, strong hands.

Your poor husband.

My poor husband wears a diaper, curses constantly and sleeps in a separate room.

So why don't you just divorce him then?

I can't just leave a sick, crazy, old man.

What kind of person would do that?

I don't know. What kind of person has an affair with Cal, who's married to Ethel, who we see all the time?

He says she's awful.

Maybe anyone you stay married to for 15 years starts to seem awful.

But we know Ethel. She's not awful.

She tells Cal not to yell at us.

Hey, you're supposed to be my friend, not Ethel's.

Having an affair is a terrible thing to do.

It destroys people's lives, and I don't want you messed up with all that.

Jenna, there's this cute guy here to see you.

He says he's your doctor.

That's perfect. Just perfect.

What are you doing here?

You can't just come here. I had an hour to kill.

I wanted to see you.

Did you make this pie? It's bliss. Of course you made it.

I got to get back to work.

When can I see you again? Dr. Pomatter, I've been thinking.

I think we need to end this.

No. Yes.

Why?

Because I feel like a bad person, and I can't live with that. Jenna...

No, don't say anything.

Don't get all nervous and sweet.

Don't talk me out of it.

Just, please, finish your pie and go. Please.

I'm sorry.

Last piece.

Sold out even faster than usual today.

Good on us.

Thanks.

Cal...

Yeah?

Are you happy?

I mean, would you call yourself a happy man?

Well, if you're asking me a serious question, I'll tell you.

I'm happy enough.

I don't expect much, give much, I don't get much.

I generally enjoy whatever comes up.

That's my truth, summed up for your feminine judgment.

I'm happy enough.

Why do you ask?

No reason.


Good evening.

Good evening.

I'm just waiting on Dawn.

Hmm.

Taking her to Stanton for a steak dinner.

Gonna be asking her to marry me.

Wow. Yeah.

There you are.

Dawn, if I had a penny for everything I loved about you, I would have many pennies.

: He's-He's making me a poem right here.

Penny for your teeth, penny for your nose, penny for your eyes, penny for your hair, your navel, penny for your odor.

A dollar for your heart.

Aw, Ogie, thank you.

That sure is sweet.

You two have a good time, you hear?

Oh, we will.

Bye.

Where we going?

Waiting for Earl?

Yeah.

Hey, I'm real sorry for what I said before.

Listen, I love you no matter what you do.

Okay.

Okay.

I forgive you.

Good.

Good.

'Cause this is my little adventure.

Your little adventure?

Yeah.

I'm having me a little adventure after many years of lots of nothing.

You love him?

Cal?

I don't know.

But I love it.

I love having someone to look pretty for.

I love waking up and having something to look forward to.

Something fun and sneaky and sexy.

He love you?

He kind of likes me.

He kind of hates me.

It's fun.

It doesn't sound very fun.

He makes me forget about my invalid husband, my loneliness, the dreadful misplacement of my bosoms.

Becky, I don't know how to tell you this, but your bosoms are fine.

There ain't nothing wrong with them.

It's all in your head.

What are you talking about? Are you blind?

This one's way up here in Maine, this one's dangling down here in Florida.

All right, well, I'll see you tomorrow, honey.

No, you won't. Tomorrow's Thursday, my day off.

Then I'll see you Friday?

Yeah.

All right, bye.

Bye.

Hey, Porky.

Hey.

Why don't you treat me like a man?

I don't feel like it.

"I don't feel like it."

Well, what makes you think you have that option, hmm?

Earl.

Stop.

Come on. Don't tell me to stop.

Hmm, come on.

I feed you.

I pay for this house.

I put clothes on your back.

Come on, just do what I tell you.

I won't get too mad.

Earl, that hurts, come on.

I love you, baby.

I don't care if you're fat.

You're my sweet thing.


"Pregnant, Miserable, Self-Pitying Loser Pie."

Lumpy oatmeal with fruitcake mashed in, flambé, of course.

What are you doing here?

I took the whole day off.

I don't know.

I wanted to see you.

You look awful.

Thanks.

I mean, you look sad.

You look really sad.

It's taken you a long time to notice this, but, uh... I'm not a happy woman, Dr. Pomatter.

And I don't want you to save me.

I don't want to save you.

Don't want to be saved.

Can I come in?

No.

Yeah.

So, what now?

I don't know.

I thought maybe you could teach me how to make a pie.

Seriously?

Seriously.

I could do that, sure.

Come here.

♪ You can look at the menu, but you just can't eat... ♪ Dear baby.

I hope someday, somebody wants to hold you for 20 minutes straight, and that's all they do.

They don't pull away.

They don't look at your face.

They don't try to kiss you.

All they do is wrap you up in their arms and hold on tight without an ounce of selfishness to it.

♪ And she wants you ♪

♪ We want everyone ♪

♪ And you want her ♪: I got it.

♪ And she wants you ♪

♪ No one, no one ♪

♪ No one ever is to blame... ♪

And now the berries. Berries.

Okay, I'm finished.

I can't let the chocolate burn.

I love watching you.

Once the chocolate's all in, you'll pour the berries on top.

I'll pour the berries on top.

Mama used to call this "The Lonely Chicago Pie."

She made hundreds of different kinds of pie.

They all have real strange names, like "Car Radio Pie" or "Jenna's First Kiss Pie."

Now the berries-- you do it.

Okay. Mm-hmm.

You know, Mama would keep me in the kitchen with her, and teach me everything she knew about baking.

She'd sing to me so sweetly.

♪ Baby, don't you cry, gonna make a pie ♪

♪ Gonna make a pie with a heart in the middle ♪

♪ Baby, don't be blue, gonna make for you ♪

♪ Gonna make a pie with a heart in the middle ♪

♪ Gonna be a pie from heaven above ♪

♪ Gonna be filled with strawberry love ♪

♪ Baby, don't you cry, gonna make a pie ♪

♪ Hold you forever in the middle of my heart. ♪ You are so beautiful.

No, I'm not.

You are.

I'm fat.

You're pregnant.

You've got a little baby growing inside you.

There is nothing more beautiful.

It's an alien and a parasite.

It makes me tired and weak.

It complicates my whole life.

I resent it.

I have no idea how to take care of it.

I'm the anti-mother.

I don't want to talk about that no more.

I want to know what the hell you're doing here.

I'm learning how to make "Lonely Chicago Pie."

No, I mean what you're doing here, living in this town.

My wife.

She just finished med school and we came here for her residency.

Are you happy with her?

No, don't answer that.

I'm happy right now.

Being here with you.

That's a good answer.

You make me feel calm.

You make me feel peaceful.

I don't feel that much.

I tend to be neurotic.

And you're so beautiful.

Keep going.

And so sexy.

More, please.

And I could find the whole meaning of life in those sad eyes.

Wow.

Dear baby.

Somewhere in the space between the pie baking and Earl eating it later that night, began the most intimate conversation of my life.

About my mama, about how much she loved me, how sad she'd be to see my life turned out like this.

About Earl and how he changed after we married, became someone I feared.

About how lonely it is to be a woman so poor and so afraid.

And then I was addicted, baby.

I was addicted to saying things and having them matter to someone.

Mm.

I've never had a real best friend before, except for my mama.

You feel like a best friend.

I have something for you.

A present.

A present for me?

Yes, for you.

I hope this is not some damn baby thing.

No. This is for you.

Mm-hmm...

Excuse me.

Hello.

Okay.

Okay.

Yes. No, Mrs. Hesdra, I think that'll be fine. No, just keep taking the painkillers I gave you a-and stay on the antibiotics.

Oh, my God.

No, no, that's fine.

No, just...

Right. If you have any more problems, just call me in two days.

Okay. You're welcome.

Take care.

Do you like it?

It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

I had it made for you.

It must have cost a fortune.

No, not really.

You shouldn't have done this.

I can't buy you nothing back.

I don't want you to buy me anything.

Why'd you give this to me, Dr. Pomatter?

You know why.

No, I don't.

Because I am falling head over heels...


We're gathered here today to celebrate the love between Ogie Anhorn and Dawn Williams... to join them together in holy matrimony for the rest of their natural lives.

Can I say something?

Sure.

Spontaneous wedding poetry, right now.

The title is "Yes."

Dawn, every time I look at you, I think yes, yes, we're driven by true love.

Yes, I'm more than just he who audits.

Yes, I'm poetry and I'm sex, and I'm living a dream.

I am, from now on, whoever you need me to be.

Yes, yes, yes.

Oh, Ogie.

♪ Baby, baby, baby ♪

♪ Sugar, sugar, sugar ♪

♪ Oh, darlin', darlin', darlin' ♪

♪ Honey bee bop is on my mind ♪

♪ Honey, bee bop, sweet, sweet, smile ♪

♪ Honey, bee bop, look in the eye

♪ Honey, bee bop, rock-and-roll style ♪

♪ Honey, bee bop, oh, yeah... ♪ This reminds me of my third wedding.

Terry Lynn Lemon.

She had big ones.

Joe, that's not a very respectful thing to say.

I'm just pointing out her good qualities.

She was nasty.

I'm going to invent a special pie for you called "Old Joe's Horny Past Pie."

Have to wait a bit, I'm afraid.

I'm going in the hospital next week. Oh.

Liver stuff.

Got to have a piece of it removed.

Maybe I'll even die.

Don't be stupid. You won't die.

If I'd ever met a girl like you, Jenna, my whole life could have been different.

You don't even know what you are deep inside.

You're not just some little waitress.

You understand what I'm saying?

Not at all, no.

I'm saying, my whole life I spent lost.

If a sign said "go this way," I'd go the other way.

Time after time after time.

I turned the wrong corner, made the wrong choice, went the wrong way, like a chicken without a head.

You understand?

You was a chicken without a head?

Pie lady, listen to me.

This life will kill you.

I'm saying... make the right choice.

Start fresh.

It's never too late.

Start fresh.

I ain't got no money, Joe.

Who the hell does anymore?

And I'm about to have me a baby.

I know you are, Jenna.

I know you are.

I was just dreaming a little for you, 'cause... all my dreams is gone.

Oh, no.


Jenna...

I'm very upset with you.

I'll be waiting in the car.

You have 30 seconds to get your ass in gear and join me.

30 seconds!

You wasn't exaggerating.

Your husband is terrible.

Jenna...

Honey, congratulations. Okay, Jenna.

I'll talk to you later, okay?

Earl...

No, you don't say nothing.

You don't say one word.

Not one word.

You just sit there.

Earl, that hurts.

Open the cabinet where the coffee and the sugar jars are.

I don't want...

Just open it!

What is that?

Jenna, what is that?

Money.

It's all over the fucking house!

In cabinets, in drawers, under chairs, in closets!

Money hidden all over my house!

I'm sorry...

Yeah, after everything I've done for you... you go and hide money from me?

I'm sorry.

You're the only thing I ever loved, Jenna.

And you're the only person to ever belong to me.

And you having a secret from me, it tears me up.

Why was you hiding money all over the house?

I don't know.

Tell me you was going to buy me a present.

I was going to buy you a present.

Tell me you was going to su... surprise me.

I was going to surprise you.

Just hold me.

Truth is, Earl...

Truth is, I was saving that money... for the baby.

I was going to buy some nice things-- a crib, toys, layette-- it was all for the baby.

It was for the baby?

Yeah, so I could buy a crib.

Yeah.

Baby, I want us to... I want us to be happy.

I want us to be happy, Jenna.

Dear damn baby...

If'n you ever want to know the story of how we bought your damn crib, I will tell you.

Your crib was bought with the money that was supposed to buy me a new life.

Every time I lay you down in that damn crib, I'm going to think, "Damn baby, damn crib.

Me stuck like a pin in this damn life."

Hey, guess what, sugar?

We got enough money left, I can buy me a nice video camera.

Film you being pregnant, the birth, film the baby.

Maybe when you get a figure back we can make a few nasty tapes, if you know what I mean.

Sounds wonderful, Earl.

Sit up for me, Jenna.

I wish I could stop everything and run away with you.

Me, too.

Where could we go?

I would go in a second. I would drop everything.

Make it go away.

What?

Everything else in my life.

That's a normal reading.

Jenna, get dressed.

Meet me outside.

I'll be there in 10 minutes.

We're going someplace.

We might even run away.

We'll figure it out.

I mean it.

Don't you spray me! Don't you dare spray me!

Hunter, no!

No! No!

What did I say?

Hunter, no!

Nobody ever tells you beforehand how ridiculously hard it's going to be.

Come on, Hunter.


Dr. Pomatter, I believe my water just broke.

Hey, sweetheart.

Oh, Dr. Pomatter, this is my husband, Earl.

Oh, hi. Hi.

Nice to meet you, Doc.

Excuse me, but could you get up from that chair so I could sit next to my wife? Right.

I would have brought you some candy or flowers, but I didn't have no time.

That's okay, Earl.

I need you to rest now, Jenna. Big moment coming soon.

I'll leave you folks to your privacy. Excuse me.

Dr. Pomatter... Yes, Jenna.

I just want to make sure we're clear about one thing.

What's that, Jenna? I want drugs.

I want massive amounts of drugs.

I want the maximum legal limit of drugs.

Noted and understood.

Oh, do... do you belong here?

Yeah, I'm kin.

Joe, hi!

You having your surgery today?

Later this afternoon.

Cal told me you were here.

Here, I bought you this card.

It's silly. Look at it later, after all the fuss is over.

Thanks. Put it right next to you on the nightstand. I will.

I remember you.

You're the husband.

Yeah, I'm the husband.

Lucky for you, I didn't take money out of Jenna's check for all the damage you did in my diner at that wedding.

Don't say nothing smart-ass.

I'm leaving.

Give me a hug first.

Absolutely not.

Earl, if you don't put that stinking camera away, I'm going to smash it.

Earl!

All right, all right.

You're doing great, sweetheart.

You're doing great.

What am I doing?

Try and steady your breathing, hon.

Hi. I'm Francine Pomatter.

Jim's told me so much about you.

He thinks you're just a terrific woman.

So you must be.

Did I mention my wife is a resident here?

I think you might have mentioned that.

He's so proud of me. He tells everybody.

She going to be here through the whole delivery?

I mean, are all the residents going to be here?

No, no, they were just here to witness the administration of the epidural.

So I'm clearing the room now.

So everybody out.

She's fully dilated, Doctor. I think it's time for her to push.

Let's go.

Five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10...

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10...

That was a good one, Jenna. That was a good one.

One, two, three, four, five... We're getting close.

Good, good. ...six, seven, eight, nine...

Good, we're almost there.

We're almost there, sugar. One, two, three, four, five...

...six, seven, eight, nine, 10.

I don't want no baby, Earl!

Oh, it's a girl.

How do you like that?

Would you like to cut the cord, Mr. Hunterson?

Yeah. Why not?

Would you like to hold your baby, Mrs. Hunterson?

Mrs. Hunterson. Did you hear me?

Are you okay?

Mrs. Hunterson?

Give her to me.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

♪ Nope, your world won't never know ♪

♪ More than your name ♪

♪ Take out the judgments that we know ♪

♪ You'd feel the same way ♪

♪ How many times I've been to this place... ♪ Hey.

Do you remember what I said?

Don't you go loving that baby too much.

I don't love you, Earl.

I haven't loved you for years.

I want a divorce.

That's not a funny joke.

We got this new baby here.

Shouldn't be making jokes like that.

I want you the hell out of my life.

You are never to touch me, ever again.

I am done with you.

If you ever come within six yards of me, I will flatten your sorry ass, and I will enjoy doing it.

Now hold on a second.

♪ Give it away ♪

♪ Give it away ♪

♪ Give it ♪

♪ Give it away... ♪ Lulu-- that's your name.

Little Lulu.

We're going to have so much fun, little girl.

We're going to have so... much... fun.

♪ Give it away... ♪

♪ Give it away... ♪

Jenna, sweet, you got to wake up. Hmm?

We got to wake you. It's time to go.

Earl's refusing to pay, so they're kicking you out.

Oh, I can't go home. You gonna come stay with us for a while till you get back on your feet.

You could stay with us, but I thought Phil's convulsions might frighten the baby.

Oh, I got to see that baby!

Oh, a beautiful baby girl!

Oh...

Look at that little girl!

Cute little girl.

Little, tiny baby girl.

Lulu, the love of my life.

Hon, we have some bad news for you.

Old Joe was admitted to the hospital same day you were.

No, I know, he came by to see me.

Well, he's not doing so well.

In fact, he went into a coma and they don't think he's going to recover.

No! Oh, poor Joe.

I know you like him.

You're probably the only person alive that likes him, though.

Becky!

I'm sorry, but he's a scaly old gator.

No, he's dear.

He came in, he gave me this card.

Where'd I put that?

I set it down right over here.

Look at the baby. Look at that. She's so cute.

Oh, the tiniest little hands.

Look at the little nose.

Oh, she's pretty.

Jenna, she's real pretty. Jenna, she's...

♪ Little girl, little girl ♪

♪ Little baby girl ♪

♪ We love that baby girl ♪

♪ She's the cutest baby in... ♪

♪ ♪

Is it a nice card?

Yeah, it's okay.

He made me a drawing.

You want to see it?

Yeah, okay.

Oh. Hmm.

Isn't that nice?

Yeah.

It's pretty nice.

Jenna?

Jenna, where you going?

Oh, they're kicking me out.

Uh, ladies, would you mind if I had a minute alone with my patient to talk to her before she leaves?

Oh...

Okay. Okay.

Thanks. Here, Becky, take her.

Oh, goodness.

Come here, baby. Come here, little baby.

You come see Aunt Becky. You come see Aunt Becky.

Oh, my goodness.

Thanks, ladies.

Okay.

Look at you.

Dawn, look at her face.

I know what you're thinking.

No, I don't. That's a lie.

What are you thinking?

I'm thinking... I could never thank you enough for everything you've done for me.

I'm thinking your wife's around and you probably shouldn't kiss me.

The way she looks at you, so much trust.

So that's it?

It's over? I don't have any say in this?

We could have a big drama here that gets drawn out for a couple years, makes everyone miserable.

Or we could just end it right here, you know?

No body count, just say bye-bye.

I'm saying bye-bye.

Dawn, wheel me off now, okay?

Off? Okay.

Wheel me off.

Wait, wheel me back.

Here...

Take this.

Okay, wheel me off again.


What the heck was that all about?

Oh, nothing. I just had an affair with him.

Your doctor?

Yeah, and he's married. Nice lady, too.

Jenna!

I just ended it for good.

Here, give Lulu to me.

Okay. Go see your mommy.

Hi!

Geez, I never seen a baby this beautiful.

You ever seen a baby this beautiful?

No.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Baby, don't you cry ♪

♪ Gonna make a pie ♪

♪ Gonna make a pie with a heart in the middle ♪

♪ Baby, don't be blue ♪

♪ Gonna make for you ♪

♪ Gonna make a pie with a heart in the middle ♪

♪ Gonna be a pie from heaven above ♪

♪ Gonna be filled with strawberry love ♪

♪ Baby, don't you cry, gonna make a pie ♪

♪ Hold you forever in the middle of my heart. ♪

♪ ♪


♪ ♪

Bye!

Bye!

Bye, y'all! Bye-bye!

How do you say "good-bye"?

Bye, bye, bye!

Bye, bye, bye!

Bye-bye.

Bye!

Bye!

You want to walk?

♪ ♪

Bye!

Bye!


♪ When the world is gray and bleak ♪

♪ Baby, don't you cry ♪

♪ I will give you every bit of love that's in my heart ♪

♪ I will bake it up into a simple little pie ♪

♪ Baby, don't you cry ♪

♪ Gonna make a pie ♪

♪ Gonna make a pie with a heart in the middle ♪

♪ Baby, don't be blue ♪

♪ Gonna make for you ♪

♪ Gonna make a pie with a heart in the middle ♪

♪ Gonna be a pie from heaven above ♪

♪ Gonna be filled with strawberry love ♪

♪ Baby, don't you cry ♪

♪ Gonna make a pie ♪

♪ And hold you forever in the middle of my heart ♪

♪ Baby, here's the sun ♪

♪ Baby, here's the sky ♪

♪ Baby, I'm your light and I'm your shelter ♪

♪ Baby, you are mine ♪

♪ I could freeze the time ♪

♪ Keep you in my kitchen with me forever ♪

♪ Gonna be a pie from heaven above ♪

♪ Gonna be filled with strawberry love ♪

♪ Baby, don't you cry ♪

♪ Gonna make a pie ♪

♪ And hold you forever in the middle of my heart ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Gonna bake a pie from heaven above ♪

♪ Gonna be filled with butterscotch love ♪

♪ Gonna bake a pie from heaven above ♪

♪ Gonna be filled with banana cream love ♪

♪ Baby, don't you cry ♪

♪ Gonna bake a pie ♪

♪ And hold you forever ♪

♪ And hold you forever ♪

♪ And hold you forever