Watermelon Man (1970) Script

79, 80, 80, jump, 82, 83, 84, 85, 86...

Come on, harder.

Come on, yell.

# Jimmy crack corn, and I don't care

# Jimmy crack corn, and I don't care, my master's gone away

Take that, my good man.

Oh, you are fast, Muhammad Ali.

You are fast, all right.

Ooh! Rabbit punch.

Jesus, ref, are you blind?

You're a credit to your race.

...damage estimated in the millions.

It's the 3rd such outbreak in this area this month And reflects the unrest that has plagued the area.

Since early last year when similar conflagrations arose all across the country... Morning, troops.

Hello, sweetheart. Hey, Burton.

Should another such incident occur, he would be compelled to ask for special federal riot troops, an action that no one wants.

Least of all, the White House which has been hopeful That such disturbances were over, at least for the time being.

That's got to be the smallest screen in the world. #They look like ants.

They're getting very dangerous.

A screen that size ought to only have 15-minute shows.

Get it? Small screen, small shows.

You said that yesterday.

You didn't get it yesterday either.

It wasn't funny yesterday any more than it'll be funny tomorrow.

Critics everywhere.

Aren't you concerned with the civil rights issue?

Yeah, sure. Most people are just crazy.

They think at any moment a negro's gonna hit 'em over the head with a watermelon and steal their high school ring.

I think white people have to show greater interest and understanding. How else... - Look, Althea.

Your bus will be coming by soon.

I'd like to give 'em a head start. Makes a contest out of it.

It is now post time.

Thank you, my dear.

Off to another smash week in the insurance gig.

I want you to know that I feel I'm leading a boring life.

I am so advised. - You were so advised yesterday.

It wasn't funny yesterday either. - Don't kiss me.

I wasn't gonna kiss you, it's just that my shorts are too tight, that's all.

Mommy, can we watch daddy run out the door? - No, you may not.

Oh, boy. - There goes your stupid bus.

Doesn't stand a chance.

There he is, the son of a bitch!

Step on it, you got him by 50 yards!

Sorry, folks, I got to make a stop at this corner. have your exact change ready, folks.

Come on.

Hurry up! Hurry up!

go! Go! Go! Go!

hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.

oh, shit.

Winner, and still undefeated, folks.

Pay some respectful homage, please. Some applause, please?

Shows you have good taste, lady. - Fare, please.

Arrogant, arrogant. They're all arrogant.

In the good old days, back in the old south, you'd have to drive from back here!

Get it? Back of the bus? - Why don't you take all the money you save racing this bus and race a cab?

That is very funny.

Hey, driver, you hear that?

I'm only good for short distances.

100 yards, maybe.

But over a long haul, They just don't have it in 'em.

# Camptown race track 5 Miles long

# doo-dah, doo-dah

# Camptown race track 5 Miles long

see you tomorrow, fans. Same time, same station.

Yeah, you're not such a big shot when it rains, are you? When it rains, you ride.

No, no, when it rains, it pours.

Come on, Joe. Hey, Joe, come on. Come on, come on.

Mornin', Mr. Gerber. Ah, mornin', Joe. How goes it?

Oh, Ok. - Any rioting in the neighborhood last night?

Uh, I don't see any broken windows.

What's the matter? This place ain't good enough to loot?

Oh, Mr. Gerber.

The usual, Mr. Gerber? - Oh, yes. Uh, but make mine a double.

I'm feeling a bit under par this morning.

Oh. One double Polynesian health juice.

Comin' up.

Hey, uh, no offense about that, uh, that looting remark, you know?

Oh, no, Mr. Gerber. - I know you don't go for that sort of thing.

No, Ok. - And of course, if you did, it would be very hard for the police to identify you.

I mean, an hour later... all you cats look alike.

All us guys look... oh, Mr. Gerber.

Here's to your health.

Oh, excuse me, Mr. Gerber.

Hello, no, goodbye. Hey, Joe, There's an extra nickel in there for you. - Thank you, Mr. Gerber.

Tip. - Thank you, Mr. Gerber. Forget it.

Ok, buddy, this is a hijack.

Take this elevator to Harlem.

Hey, how'd you do on the poker game, Andy?

Uh, uh, ok, fine.

Hey, uh, when are you and Dotty comin' over to the house to try out my new barbecue?

Oh, uh, soon... soon. R... r... real soon.

5 Saturdays in a row I asked you.

I'm beginnin' to think y'all don't like us.

Don't be silly, it's... it's... it's just that, uh...

Ok. Then we'll expect you next Saturday at 17:00, And no more excuses about the children being sick.

Well, actually, uh, Dotty hasn't been feeling well.

Get her cured by the weekend.

Sluts, sluts. All of you, sluts. Next thing you know, You'll be smoking cigarettes. Hello, there, Erica, you gorgeous hunk of Sweden. - Norway.

Norway, Sweden, what difference does it make?

As long as you're a blonde. Are you?

Just curious. I mean, how many girls are really blonde all the way? Collars and cuffs?

Excuse me, Mr. Gerber, But I must get back to my desk.

1 $ if you walk fast and stop short.

2 $ if you trot. 5 $ if you run.

And 10 $ if you're really a blonde.

Gerber! In here.

Yes, sir, Mr. Townsend.

And 50 $ if you're a fella. Ah!

The top of the morning to you, Mr. Townsend. How are you?

Gerber, sit down and stop being so damn happy. It's depressing.

Yes, sir. - Gerber, I am not going to mince words.

You have turned in a very disappointing month. - Well, I must say I agree with you.

But considering the time of year...

Look, I'm just pointing out it's a subproductive month. I'm not asking why.

It's income tax time. Though people die, They seldom buy.

Gerber, look, I may as well come right out and say this.

It's time somebody told you... I've got bad breath. Bad breath.

You got something much worse than that.

Offensive perspiration, midriff bulge, uh, dingy dentures, Asiatic crud.

There, that's exactly that kind of a remark.

You, Gerber, are a smart ass.

A number one, king-size smart ass!

I'm the best salesman in this office. - You were.

But your rate of new policies is dropping. - Here, I've been going about particularly trying to sell policies only to younger men who can live longer, and pay premiums longer, and you don't appreciate it.

Anybody can sell a policy to a 90-year-old man with a cough and the shingles.

Listen to me, Gerber, your customers curl up their toes at the same rate as all of our other customers.

Yeah, well, of course, if 23 of my customers go down in a sailing boat accident, that's bound to raise the mortality rate! - What sailing boat?

Uh, in the squall. What squall? Oh, no, no, it was the train, the train.

33 of them went right off the trestle. - What train?

Uh, would you believe a... a tidal wave in Kansas City?

A...a... a volcano in Poughkeepsie? Uh, mass suicides in Fire island.

Gerber! - Ok, Mr... Mr. Townsend, about your breath...

Hey, look, make it easier on yourself. Home, office?

Your house. Ok, then. Tuesday.

17:30, very good.

Good show. See you then, John.

6 out of 6. The kid does tricks.

Clark Dunwoodie, please.

Oh, hi. Hey, Clark.

Jeff Gerber, Superior standard life.

Hey, how about that lunch I've been promising you, huh?

Good show.

Anytime you say.

Local black leaders doing their utmost to keep their pledge...

What are you trying to prove with all that running?

Don't bug me, Althea, I had a traumatic day.

13 appointments out of 15 calls.

Is that all you watch?

Race riots? What are you, perverse?

It's an important problem.

...was announced that should a request be made for federal intervention, army units would be immediately made available...

I was watching. - I'm gonna have my dinner without watching a bunch of uppity darkies jigging up and down on my TV screen. - Why are you so hateful?

I'm not hateful, and don't start telling me I have a personality problem.

I said no such thing. I merely tried to point out that there's an issue in this country today. That has to do with the equal rights of man.

What kind of dinner is this? What kind of dinner is this, huh?

Eskimos chew on blubber.

There's your old persecution complex. Whenever you're hurt, attack.

Well, that's what this is all about.

I don't want you staying up too late, Burton.

You should've done that this afternoon.

Go to sleep, dear. Maybe tomorrow morning I'll let you watch your father run out of the house.

Why can't he walk like everybody else?

Perhaps he's afraid somebody will catch him.

Kids at school laugh at him.

They call me, "Son of speedy."

Why does daddy race buses, mommy?

Nobody seems to know, dear.

Is it like some people save stamps? - Yes, exactly.

Some people save stamps, some make model airplanes, some drink, some smoke pot.

Well, your father races busses.

If he smoked pot, he'd get there faster.

Good night, children.

Uh, our house is worth 37.000 $ on the open market.

Mmm, that's nice. - That's 17 % more than we paid for it.

Mmm, you need a haircut. - Oh.

Are we gonna get ready for bed early tonight? It's Wednesday.

Wednesday? - Mmm-hmm It's Monday.

Let's pretend it's Wednesday.

Forget it.

I'm going to bed.

You'll know where to find me. - Yes.

How come you are not watching the riots?

Haven't started yet.

What's the movie? I don't know.

What's the commercial? I don't know.

Keep yourself pretty well-informed, don't you?

I think we have to face up to something. - Oh, look. Don't start.

You can't stand the sight of me. - I can so.

You can't stand to touch me. - Wrong again.

There's no passion in our life.

There's plenty of passion in our life.

Let's pretend it's Wednesday.


Look, sweetie, I've had a hard day. - I know you're tired, but...

At least let me wake up on your side of the bed like we used to, Thursday mornings.

As soon as Janice was born, We stopped going to bed.

Now, that's an exaggeration.

We can't afford more than 2 children.

Unless we have 6 at one time.

That way, everything's free.

And we can give them all away, except the spotted one.

We can make love without having children, you know.

There are methods, there are devices. - They're not foolproof.

They are if you use them all at the same time.

I'm not making love to any heavy tank.

I've still got some good years left, Jeff.


I take something, And I wear something, And I keep count, and if you...



We were so right to come here, dearest.

To get away.

Yes, Ralph, I know. It's lovely.

Being with you, Sylvia.

Being with you, Ralph.

it marks the first time Federalized troops have been used in this city.

Black leaders have warned that should such a situation...

How now, Brown cow.

It's a nightmare.

That's what it is, old buddy. A nightmare.

Must be something you ate.

That's right, something you ate.

Put up your hands.

Give me your high school ring.

A nightmare Or too much sun lamp.

Boy, what a great sun lamp.


I'm having a nightmare about my sun lamp.

So don't wake up

And try and talk me out of it.

It's just a little nightmare about a great sun lamp.

I'm going back to bed now.

I know that when I wake up again in the morning, My skin will be lovely and white.

So just stay asleep, Althea.

Because as long as you're asleep, It's a nightmare.

But if you wake up and begin screaming, It won't be a nightmare anymore.

And I don't want that to happen.

So just stay asleep, Althea.

As long as you're asleep, it's a nightmare.

And all night long, it'll be a nightmare.

It's a nightmare.

It's a nightmare.

It's not a nightmare.

Sure is an even tan.

What a great sun lamp.

What a great nightmare about a great sun lamp.

That's an old wife's tale.


Mommy says I can watch you run out of the house today.

Dad, you in the shower? - Yes.

I'm having a nightmare.

Can we watch you run out of the house?

Uh, no, sweetheart, I... I... I won't be going to work today.

I'm not feeling well.

But mommy said.

Dad, the whole house is getting steamed up.

So is your old man. Listen, Burton?

Yeah? - Uh, tell your mother to get you both off to school, and then come in here.

You mean, you won't be racing the bus today?

Don't ever bring up the race issue again.

Oh, Lord, I've never been a religious man.

I won't try to kid you about that.

I don't go to church, and I only pray when I'm feeling scared or rotten.

I meant to pray last night.

Perhaps you're angry because I didn't.

Anyway, Lord, I'm in trouble now.

Which is why I'm trying to make contact.

Please, Lord, make it all be a terrific nightmare.

And will you see a nice person come out of this shower?

I want you to know that I am a true believer.

There are no atheists in this shower.

I'm praying now, Lord. Do you hear me?

If you hear me, don't say or do anything.

Good. Ok, Lord.

I'm coming out now.

And I wouldn't care if I gained 20 pounds as long as I'm white.

Here I come, Lord.

Jeff, Jeff, Jeff there's a negro in your shower!

It is not a negro. Yes, yes, yes, it is, it is.

I saw him. Call the police, he'll kill us.

I am not a negro. I'm me.

If this is another one of your jokes... - Now look, Althea, I'm coming out of this shower again and I want no screaming, you hear?

Now, there's a logical answer to this,but we'll never find out if I dry up into a prune in this shower.

Now I'm coming out again, you hear? Ok?

Yes. Ok. now, hand me a towel.

All right. Here I come, ready or not.

Open your eyes, Althea, I need a friendly opinion.

Did you have to give me a white towel? You simp.

Boy, you sure have a warped sense of humor, baby.

Oh, my God. Oh, my good God.

Oh, shut up, there is no God. He don't give a damn.

You... you look like a negro. I know what I look like. Shut up.

I mean a dark one. - I mean, I mean, if I didn't know you...

Will you shut up, Althea?

Oh, oh, should I hide the money?

Oh, you are hilarious.

H... how do you know you're you?

That's the dumbest thing you've ever said. Of course I know it's me.

I can tell from my bridge work. Look. See? Huh? Huh?

Your teeth are very white. That's the contrast.

And your hair. - My hair's always been naturally curly.

W... w... what about your birthmarks?

I can't find them anymore.

Maybe I've been overdoing the sun lamp a bit.

A bit! If you spent as much time in bed As you do under that sun lamp, Maybe we would have more children.

This is no time to discuss additional children.

No, I'd say not. What would the neighbors think If we'd have colored kids running around! - I am not colored!

Well, that's your story. When's the last time you looked in the mirror?

I... it's the sun lamp, isn't it? Because you wouldn't be teasing me like that iIf it wasn't the sun lamp, 'cause you're not a cruel person.

Don't you touch me. Oh, boy. You're a treat.

You're something to have around in an emergency.

You know, you know, it's very strange. My mother always thought you were a little on the dark side.

I mean, she never came right out and asked me.

Your mother is in no position to judge other people's races.

The way her eyes slant up, my mother always thought she was Chinese.

Silliest thing I ever heard. - Oh, yeah?

Well, then how come her feet are so small?

And... and how come whenever you asked her when she was born, she always says "the year of the dragon"? And how come she was always so anxious to... to wash my shirts?

Does that sound like a white woman to you, huh?

My mother has almond-shaped eyes.

So has Mao Tse-Tung. She eats too damn much rice.

If you ask me, she's a member of the Red guard.

All right, Jeff, all right.

But it isn't a Chinese issue we're discussing.

We'r- It's a sun lamp issue.

Well, that may very well be, but you... you certainly can't go to the office like that.

Oh, my God, what time is it?

Gladys is in the office now.

That's the first thing. I got to report in sick.

You can't tell her that you woke up sunburned.

Sometime, Althea, sometime.

Look, I won't be coming in today.

Well, I'm, uh, feeling a bit off color.

Anyway, uh, Gladys, uh, look, just cancel all my appointments for the day, Ok?

Tell 'em I'll call 'em tomorrow, Ok? Ok. Thank you.

The trick is to be logical and rational.

I got a warrantee around here for that sun lamp.

Let's see, logical and rational, yeah.

You really think it's the sun lamp, don't you?

Oh, you'd like me to be colored, wouldn't you?

Well, not really. But it would serve you right with that attitude of white supremacy.

Well, I didn't see you exactly runnin' over to hug and kiss me when you thought I was a negro.

I was upset because I thought you were a stranger.

Oh, beans. If it was a white stranger coming out of that shower, you'd have humped him.

Ah, here it is. They're a reputable company.

I'm sure this has happened before. - Yeah, all over Africa.

Oh, just keep it up, baby. Just keep it up.

Hello, I'd like to speak...

To... to speak to somebody with regard to your sun lamp model L. T.34x.

Oh, it's working, all right.

A...a little bit too well. Uh, uh, thank you.

They're switching me to the manager.

Hello, my name is Gerber.

Uh, I've got one of your model L. T.34x sun lamps.

Uh, serial number 36677231.

Uh, yeah. Well, the problem is... that's an old wife's tale. Excuse me.

Uh, the problem is, uh, it's made me rather dark.


Well, a little darker than was necessary.

Uh, yes, once in the morning, and, uh, once at night.

Uh, yes, I... I... I use a lotion.

Uh, well, it's kind of my own concoction.

Uh, baby oil, cocoa butter, iodine, and soy sauce.

About one third soy sauce. Well, of course you never heard of it.

It's my own formula.

L... look, you don't seem to understand.

It's left me very tan.

Yes, very.


Very dark.

Yes, very.

You stupid!

No, it's not a joke.

I am not sir Percival pulling your leg.

42, Tangerine Lane, and I'm a dissatisfied customer.

Hello? Hello? Hello?

Can you beat that?

They want to send me a new sun lamp.

That's very sporting of them.

What the hell am I going to do with a new sun lamp?

Well, maybe you could mate them.

You're just having a dandy time, boy. - Oh, relax, Jeff.

Althea, you wouldn't hug me unless you really thought I was white, right?

Oh, poor baby, don't worry.

You'll be white again.

Hey, wait a minute. What is it?

There are things we can do.

I mean, what do they do when they want to look white?

Th... they must use salves and creams. - Hair straighteners.

I don't want my hair straightened, I want my skin straightened.

What the hell else are we talkin' about? - Where are you going?

To one of their drugstores. Call me a cab.

Your cab's here.

What are you doing? The door's not open on the cab.

Go on out there and open the door on the cab.

Take me to the colored section.

Nice neighborhood. What do you do there? Mow the lawn?

What do they pay you? - I get to sleep with the lady of the house.

Would you put your hands down?

All I want is a pair of sunglasses. Now, look, I got a skin problem.

What's this, and this? Get me a paper bag.

No, better yet, get me a box, a box, a big box.

There you go. All right, let's see now. Uh-huh, white, yeah.

Ok, give me some of these. Yeah. Pearl sheen.

Uh-huh, all right. Now, let's see now.

Ah, try some of this white folk stuff here.

Now, let's see here, that's good.

"Beautiful bleach", that's probably great. "Miracle wash."

Hair straightener. That'll help.

More processing stuff, there.

All right.

Remember, if anybody asks you if you ever saw me in here, You never laid eyes on me. Ok?

Mum's the word.

Any change? No.

But I don't imagine it would be immediate.

I mean, I don't think any intelligent negro expects it to be immediate. Don't be so militant.

It's different. I'm not militant, I'm white.

I expect it to be immediate. We've rubbed in 4 different brands.

Don't you think we ought to stop?

Come on, put on some more hair straightener. Come on. Here.

Jeffrey, I don't want you to get all excited, but I do think you're a little whiter.

It's hard to tell through the cream.

Y-yeah, I think you're right. Ar... ar... around the neck here, right?

Especially around the neck. Uh-huh, and around the chin?

Yes, the chin, too. - And... and around the nose, mmm?

Yes. - You're lying to me, Althea!

Don't lie to me, Althea. Just don't lie to me.

Oh, this is crazy. I don't want to be this color.

What are you doing up there? - Calm down.

Oh, I'll yell all I want. He can't hear me.

He's the white man's God. Jeff, you're not a negro.

Oh, my goodness, I'm getting darker. Come on. Get all this crap off me.

Come on, quick. Oh, my God, I need more.

Oh, come on, I'm getting darker.

Jeff, calm down. - I can't take a... I can't take a shower.

'cause if I take a shower, my body will shrink and...

Will you calm down, the children will be coming home from school soon.

And I don't want you getting them upset.

Upset? Wait until they find out they have a colored daddy.

Huh? Wait till I get down my knee and I sing mammy.

You got yourself into it, Jeff.

Oh, my goodness, th... these creams don't work.

No wonder negroes riot.

I mean, these are worthless hoaxes.



I'm your father. Sure, hi, dad.

Hi, dad. Um, don't you have anything you want to say to me?

Your face is dirty. - That's a nice thing to say to your father.

Sure is a heck of a tan you got, dad. You look like a colored man.

That's very good. Thank you, Burton. We could use you at the UN.

Come on, kids. I'll get your dinner ready. - What are we having?

Black-eyed peas, hominy grits, corn bread, ham hocks.

What's with him?

Didn't get to race his bus this morning. He's a little upset.

Why are you doing that, daddy? - Doing what, sweetheart?

Racing busses. Come on, Janice, you don't want your ham hocks to get cold.

In here, or in the dining room?

What is it? I got to see.

Maybe it's the lighting in here.

Maybe in the daylight, I'll look less colored.

What are you going to do?

I'm going for a walk. - Where to?

In the backyard.

How brave of you.

Well, you're certainly getting whiter whites These days. Aren't you, Mrs. Johnson?

Oh, yes, I'm using a new detergent.

Well, I wish you'd tell my wife the brand because we have a few things around our house that really need whitening.

Jeff, are you all right? - Yeah.

You're hardly breathing.

I don't want to ruin it.

You look like a birthday cake.

It's getting very late. Can't you at least lie down in bed?

I'm afraid I'll roll over and destroy the mold.

All right. Althea?

Yes? My last words: pray for me.

Jeff? Jeff, are you asleep?

My God, you've set.

Jeff, Jeff, are you breathing?

How to do this?

Try not to hurt you.

I'm sorry about that.

Jeff, can you speak? How do you feel? Can you speak?

Like a broken leg.

Oh, thank God you're all right.

My beard is strangling me.

I'll have you out in a jiffy.

Be careful with that chisel.

Careful with that chisel, I've got enough dimples.

I think I'm getting the hang of it now.

What color am I? Uh, well, uh, uh, I'll have to open the blinds. W... w... wait, do it gradually.

Remove a little around the ears. - All righty.

W... w... w... what color am I?

Uh, did you drink any more milk?

Yeah, I had another quart, and then my hand was paralyzed.

Oh, poor thing. You know, if we'd only known, I could've rigged you up a tube or something.

What color am I, Althea? Well, uh, let's see.

Tell me the truth, but tell me I'm white, Althea.

You're white. Oh, God.

Dark white. What?

Well, I'm sure you're white, But you're a little on the dark side.

Wait. Get me to a mirror.

I'm black! I'm black!

I'm black!

I'm black!

I'm a nigger!

Jeff, you'll have a stroke.

I don't want a stroke. I want appendicitis.

I want to throw myself off a bridge, out of a window.

Althea, I want my whiteness back.


Where's that schmucky white knight on that schmucky white horse?

Stick me. Stick me. Turn me white. Rinso-white.

Rinso-white. Jeff, the neighbors.

The neighbors, the neighbors, the neighborhood.

There goes the neighborhood. There it goes. - Jeff, stop that.

I'm black!

Oh, milk.

Oh, cleanse me, oh, great milk.

Ah. Oh, clean me, great milk.

Make me free again.

You're white. You're a nut, but you're white.

I want all the mirrors removed from this house, woman.

That's a direct order from your husband, Othello.

Oh, you stupid little boy, is this the way you face a problem?

Shut up! You've abused your skin.

You've dyed your skin.

Yes, yes, I... I did. W... wasn't that silly of me?

It was stupid. Yes, stupid. Insane.

Insane. Crazy. - Crazy.

Idiotic. Shut up.

Well, I got to get back to work.

You might as well forget this day and...

So just relax. The kids are off to school.

Come on down, I'll make you some breakfast.

I am not sure. This emotionalizing isn't retarding your skin from returning to its normal color.

You're making great sense, Althea.

I don't know, maybe... maybe we needed this little emergency to, uh, Make us realize how much we need and love each other.

I sure hate to think every married couple Has to get all shook up like this just to see how much they're in love.

No riots yesterday. Maybe that's a good omen.

Jeff, the ku klux klan never rings the bell.

Ah, Gerber? - Yes. Couple of packages here.

I want you sign right here. - We didn't order anything. - Sun lamp.

Just put...

Jeff, Jeff, stop it! Jeff!


Wait a minute! Jeff, Jeff, stop!

Get me out of here! Jeff, Jeff, Jeff, Jef!

I don't think I know you. Jeff, back! I said, back.

Jeff! Jeff!

Back, back. I said, back.

Back. Back, Jeff, Jeff, back. back, back. I said, back.

Get back. Just get back. back, back, back.

Back, back, back. I said, Jeff, back down.

Jesus! Talk about black power.

I'm... I'm terribly sorry. That's all right.

Never mind.

I must have the wrong address. Put it on my head.

Why? Ha? Why?

That guy needs a sun lamp like Fred Astaire needs dancing lessons.

Look, just close the door behind me, that's all. Let me go.

I heard. I heard him. So you heard?

He thinks I'm colored.

So what? You thought you were colored.

Until you learned the facts, you thought you were colored, right?

So? - So why shouldn't he think you're colored?

You're right again, Althea.

I tell you, you're a growing source of strength to me.

You could've killed that man. - I suppose so.

The negroes in the city have enough trouble without your killing a white man.

And what is that supposed to mean?

What's wrong with dad, mom? - Too much sun lamp.

Ooga, booga, doo.

I'm getting whiter and whiter.

Ooga, booga, dooga, doo.

Ooga, booga, dooga, doo. Me, friend.

Not funny. You got enough milk?

Yeah. - Think you're getting any whiter?

No, but my skin is getting lovely and soft.

You know, you've been in there 3 hours. You're going to marinate.

Isn't it cold? Yeah, a little.

Want me to warm it up a little? You know I hate warm milk.

Have you decided whether or not you're going to work tomorrow?

I'm going to work. - I promised the kids they could watch you run out of the house.

Did you promise them they could stay up and watch the cross burn on our front lawn?

Well, is there anything I can get you?

A box of Graham crackers or some Bosco?

I don't need companionship. I've got my book.

Yes, I know, voodoo without killing chickens.

They told me at the library it's number one in Haiti.

Ooga, booga, dooga, doo. Ooga, booga, dooga, doo.

Bon voyage.

Ooga, booga, dooga, doo.

Ooga, dooga, booga, doo.

The bus! The bus is coming, yay!

There he is! Back in action!

let's go, man. Let's go. Let's go.

Is that him? What happened to him?

Of course it's him. Has to be him. What happened to him?

Son of a bitch! Look, som- It's him!

He's catching up! He's catching up!

Hey! Hey! Hey!


Stop! Thief!

Where are you running, sea biscuit?

Police violence!

Sure. What's in the case?

Shoes. Whose?


Neighborhood isn't safe anymore. - I didn't do anything!

Neighborhood isn't safe anymore. It's terrible. Just terrible. - Break it up.

Shoes. I told you.

Try 'em on, Cinderella. - What?

Well, they're yours, all right. - I told you!

Somebody got a complaint against this man?

Somebody see him steal anything? Speak up.

I didn't see him, but he must have. What is it, officer? What did this man do?

Oh, they stick together. What did he do?

He stole something. - What did I steal? Who saw me steal something?

Anybody see this man steal anything?

A purse, a wallet?

How about a brand-new color TV set?

You know this man? - This man's a regular passenger on my bus.

He was runnin' for the bus.

Since when is there a law against runnin' for the bus?

All right, break it up, folks.

Break it up. Shoo-shoo. Come on.

Hey, uh, what happened to you, man, uh?

How come I never noticed you were colored before?

Because I was never colored before. Oh, it happened just like that, huh?

Just like that! - Well, when you get back on the bus, just sit down and cool it. They don't love you, you know?

Nobody loves me! Big deal. Well, just don't make any trouble.

Listen, I'm not colored!

I know. I'm Spanish, myself.

# Sometimes I feel like a motherless child!

Hasta la vista.

Hey. Health drink. Double.

And don't be a wise guy.

Hey. Don't I know you from somewhere?

I'm Mr. Gerber. Jeff Gerber.

Well, I ain't Gunga Din.

I never noticed. - Look, come on, hurry up with my health drink.

I'm late as it is now. Slow your roll, man.

I told the owner the lights in here wasn't no good.

Hey, Jeff. You certainly set a good example.

A good job like you got.

What's draggin' you, brother?

I'm wondering what's uh, in this health drink?

Oh, that? Orange juice, Papaya juice, Lime juice, And soy sauce. Soy sauce!

What the hell are you puttin' in soy sauce for?

Well, we was all out of Worcestershire sauce.

What? Cool it, Jeff.

That's why they don't want us in these places now.


I'll sue the entire N.A.A.C.P.

Look at my skin! - I don't have to look at your skin.

I can look at my own.

Here, now, what's goin' on?

I'm gonna have this entire place shut down as a homosexual hangout.

Who is that gentleman? - Soy sauce?

Oh, now look, Mr. Soy sauce, I don't want any trouble.

I've always gotten along well with members of your race.

Ask Joe here.

I'm not negro. I'm Spanish. Soy sauce!

Not one word.

Not one word.


Can I help you? No one can help me.

Whom is it you wish to see about what?

I'd like to see Abe Lincoln about this equality bullshit.

Mr. Gerber! Well, it ain't soy sauce.

What happened to you? I'm pledging for a fraternity.

Mr. Gerber! Never heard of him.

But, Mr. Gerber...

Get out of my way, Erica, unless you want to feel the wrath of my switchblade.

I would like to feel the wrath of your switchblade.

Morning, Gladys. Mr. Gerber, what happened?

Is there anything I can do? Hide your high school ring.

Mr. Townsend said for you to see him as soon as you come in.

All right.

Yes? Mr. Townsend is waiting.



I'm colored, Mr. Townsend. I'm a negro.

Gerber, what the hell have you been doing?

Sitting under a sun lamp?

Oh, that's the nicest thing you've ever said to me, sir.

Did you get that tan in just the 2 days you were out?

Yes, yes, I did. The secret is soy sauce.

Lots and lots of soy sauce.

Don't you think you overdid it a bit? Yes, yes, I do. I... I really do.

It... it was a frightening experience.

Yeah, I should think so.

Now, look, there's no need to come apart at the seams.

It'll fade and you'll be fine.

You still have got to pick up your sales.

Until I spoke to you, Mr. Townsend, I must confess, I was pretty shook up.

All right, now go on back to your desk, and don't let me down.

All right, sir. God bless you, sir.

There still is a God, you know, sir.

Miss Regan...

Yes, Mr. Townsend? - Would you get my optometrist on the phone?

These tinted contact lenses he gave me, I think they're a bit on the dark side.

Hello, palefaces. Come on, girls.

Get back to work or you'll be back on the streets Working for real money. What's the matter, fella?

Ain't you never seen an Aztec before?

What the hell have you done to yourself, Jeff?

How do you like my golden glow, Andy?

Don't I look like a friggin' bronze God? - That's not what they're sayin'.

I have it on no less an authority than DJ Townsend that I have a glorious tan.

I... I got to tell you, Jeff. If... if I didn't know you, I'd say...

Look, Andy, if you have inherent racial prejudice, that's your hang-up.

I personally think I have a beautiful color.

Gladys, bring in my appointment book, please, dear.

Clark Dunwoodie, please.

Hello, Clark?

Jeff Gerber. Well, I hopped down to the islands for a couple days.

Get that old tan in shape, you know?

How's about today, lunch? Well, you name it.

Ok, your club, 12:30. See you then.

Where do you think you're going? I'm lunching with Clark Dunwoodie.

Not in here, you're not. Hey, come on, you're kidding?

You know me, Jeff Gerber. Mr. Dunwoodie, he's expecting me.

Come on, fella, I got my orders. Now, this club has got rules.

Fun is fun, but don't make me angry. You better let me pass.

What's your name, sir?

Uh, Jeff Gerber. Uh, I'm having lunch with, uh, Clark Dunwoodie.

Oh, yes, Mr. Gerber.

Mr. Dunwoodie wanted me to give you his apologies.

He had to go back to the office. Some kind of an emergency board meeting.

He's going to call you later this afternoon and explain it.

Don't pull that crap on me!

Well, I'm very sorry for the inconvenience.

Now, move along, please. - Hey, look, there must be some mistake.

Come on, move along. - Hey, hey, hey, I ask you, is this America?

Is this America? Yeah, man.

# No, this ain't America # you can't fool me!

Hey, look, why don't you let him go in there?

I belong in there!

# If you don't fit the right image

# they just pull out their D.D.T.

# If they just don't like the way you look

# they just law and order and pricks!

# They're prickin' me!

Come in. Excuse me, Mr. Townsend?


This man says he works for you.

Good grief. Gerber, is that you?

Uh, yes, officer, he... he works for me.

Very well. I'll leave him in your charge. He stole something.

We don't know what it is yet.- Brutality, brutality.

You can leave him with me, officer. - Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.

Gerber, w... w... what happened?

If I didn't know you myself... I'm black. I've become black.

You ask anyone on the street, they'll say, "that man, he's black."

Mmm-hmm, sure, he's black." Get hold of yourself.

Yowser. I'm gonna get a hold of myself.

Yowser, boss.

You know, this could work to both our advantages.

Boss have heap big sense of humor.

Stop that foolish vaudeville routine and listen to me a minute.

Look, I don't care what color you are.

You're an intelligent, educated man.

And damn it, Gerber, there is a whole market out there, that has never even been approached by our company, because we have never had a negro salesman.

Why, you can make yourself a fortune.

That negro insurance market is virtually untapped.

Look, I tell you what, you run back to your office...

I can't run anywhere. They'll arrest me before I get halfway down the hall.

Go back to your office and wait there for me, I'll bring the statistics. They'll shock you. - I'll just shuffle along.

Uh, give me 15'. - Oh, you don't have to hurry yourself over little old, poor little me, Mr. Townsend.

Make a list of all those articles that have been stolen.

And any of you who have been raped, Please report to the dispensary.

Any of you who are interested in tap dancing, gospel singing, boxing lessons, Please come into my office. Gladys?

Dr. Wainwright, please. Jeff Gerber. Thank you.

Dr. Wainwright, I got to see you right away.

Unclean! Unclean!

Beware the black scourge!

Double trouble, boil in trouble!

Take your children, gather them.

Take them to the high ground!

Doctor, uh, Mr. Gerber's here.

But, uh... show him in.

No swelling.

If it were overexposure, there'd be swelling.

Your lips, as I recall, were always rather full.

High cheekbones, wide face.

You tryin' to tell me somethin'? - Uh-huh.

I don't see how it could be the sun lamp.

Anything unusual in your diet?


I've laid a lot of crow, doc.

It could be some kind of an allergy.

But it's more apt to be something else.

Well, go ahead, tell me. I won't blab.

Well, it's more apt to be something in your family lineage.

You mean like insanity?

It's quite possible that somewhere in your lineage, There is a negro strain.

You're lookin' at a strained negro right now, doc.

If that were the case, it would be apparent from birth, Not in your middle years.

And it would seem logical that your parents would have said something to you about it. - They never called me a nigger.

No matter how angry they got, they never called me a nigger.

Oh, they might have revealed it in other ways, Ways more Freudian.

Um, what's your full name, Jeff?

Jefferson W. Gerber.

What's the "W" for? Washington.

Jefferson Washington Gerber?

Do you realize that when the slaves were set free and they were allowed to pick any names they wanted, many of them chose the names of presidents?

Jefferson Washington Gerber!

Uh, what's your wife's name?

Althea Jemima Gerber.

You're kidding me? What are your children's names?

Beulah and Rastus. You're trying to prove that I'm a negro, And I'm trying to prove that I'm not!

I'm only trying to compile some facts.

All right, facts. What about my skin, huh, huh?

What about that? That's a fact, isn't it?

Look, something happened to cause this phenomenon.

Somewhere there's a medical explanation to this, and we'll find it.

When do you want to do that, doc?

Right now. - How long do you think it'll take?

Maybe 3 hours. The rest is up to the laboratory technicians.

Hello, Althea?

Guess who's coming to dinner?

The children are in bed. Even Burton.

I thought it best. What's wrong?

Wrong? Wrong?

Nothing... nothing's wrong. How come you're on fire?

Don't answer it. I beg your pardon?

Don't answer it. May I ask why?

It's a wrong number.

Oh, then by all means, let's not answer it.

But I feel I should ask you this, Althea, Uh, how do you know it's a wrong number?

It has a different sound. Wrong numbers sound neurotic, Because the circuits are confused. - I see.

And it just upsets it if you answer it.

Uh-huh, strange, b- No, you're wrong.

You're nuts! Hello?

Jeff Gerber? Yes?

Move out, nigger.

It was the wrong number.

They've been calling all day. What "they"? It was one voice.

Don't make it sound like the entire west point glee club.

Well, who do you think it is?

It's Avon calling and the bell's stuck.

Jeff, I have to tell you, I'm frightened!

You don't have to tell me. It's fairly noticeable.

How did it go today? Oh, it was the usual day.

I was thrown out of one of the better clubs, I was picked up twice for purse-snatching. - What?


Did they notice anything, anything different at the office?

There were a few remarks. What about Townsend?

Oh, he seemed quite pleased.

It seems I'm one of his hottest negro salesmen.

You hungry? Yeah, I guess so.

What? Are you crazy?

Is that supposed to be funny?

I didn't realize until after...

Well, listen, Jemima, you're in this, too.

Jemima? - Your middle name, baby.

My middle name is Janine. - Oh.

So don't you "Jemima" me, Jeff Gerber.

If you've been keeping some racial secret about yourself from me, well, just don't you "Jemima" me! - Oh, I get it!

You're getting a little worried.

You're just not certain about things anymore, are you?

Well, there are children to consider.

What do you think, right number or wrong?

I don't care anymore. It's been ringing all day.

Every bigot in this town is honing in on us.

Hello? - Jeff? It's Dr. Wainwright.

Yes. What is it? It's not hay fever.

Oh, good. - Thought I'd let you know.

Yes. Thank you. Let me know as soon as you find out about ragweed.

I'll call immediately.

Dr. Wainwright.

You'll be happy to know I'm not suffering from hay fever.

I'm a nervous wreck. I'm going to bed.

Oh, I thought we'd stay up a while and do a little humming.

I'm going to sleep. You can turn off the phone if you like.

Can't. Might be my ragweed calling in.

Suit yourself.

Don't be frightened. It's just me, black Bart.

Have something to eat? - Just chicken.

Watermelon doesn't taste good to me unless it's freshly stolen.

Mind if I get in bed?

this is Tom Harkness in the downtown business area, Where police are just now bringing under control a riot.


Within minutes the area was overrun with pickets, militants, And housewives for lower food prices When an unidentified drunken negro Was denied admission to the Hagstrom yacht club.

Though the actual identity of the man is not known for certain...

If only they wouldn't be so pushy.

Hello? Jeff Gerber?

Yes. Move out, nigger.

Was it Dr. Wainwright? I certainly hope not.

Althea, it's Wednesday night.

Why don't we have a little drink? Wednesday? No, it's Thursday.

Let's pretend it's Wednesday.

I'm in need of some human affection.

I understand, but not tonight, Ok?

I hate to tell you this, but I'm beginning to feel just a little bit unloved.

I mean, it may be old-fashioned, but where I come from, A guy's wife sticks real close to him in time of stress.

Well, uh, not tonight.

Something I said?

We could change sides if you'd like. - That's damn white of you.

Hello? - Jeff, it's not ragweed, asthma, or anything to do with the kidneys. - Good, keep me posted.

I'm staying with it all night. Thanks, doctor, I appreciate it.

Hello? Jeff Gerber?

He's out bailing cotton. Can I take a message?

Move out, nigger.

Jeff, don't anger them. Just don't anger them.

Don't anger them? You mean, they're not angry already?

What must I do to get 'em angry?

Try and get into one of their yacht clubs?

Good morning, Mr. Gerber. Morning, Erica.

When do I get to see your switchblade?

Call me.

Morning, Gladys. Mr. Townsend's waiting to see you.

He's fit to be tied and...

Dr. Wainwright called twice and wants you to call as soon as you come in.

Thank you, Gladys.

Jeff, it's no longer a joke.

It has nothing to do with allergies, blood counts or electrocardiograms.

And it has nothing to do with soy sauce.

We've run 18 different tests on soy sauce, And the opinion is that Soy sauce is more apt to make you oriental than negro.

C'est le guerre. that's logical.

I spent the entire night in the trenches wWith doctors Carson, Harcourt, Whittemore, O’Neil, and Hamilton.

And they're firmly of the opinion that...

Jeff, I'm not one of those doctors who believes in keeping the truth from a patient.

Did you know that the first man to die in an American war was a black man, Crispus Attikus?

What I'm getting at is, Jeff, you're a negro.

When do you want to see me again?

I don't think it's necessary.

Closing the book on me, huh?

Now, with your approval, I'd like to turn your case over to an outstanding young doctor who's a member of your own race.

Dr. John l. Catlin, you may have heard of him.

What's the "l" for? Lincoln?

You do understand, don't you, Jeff?

Of course. Good.

Well, perhaps we'll bump into each other again some day.

Maybe at the Newport regatta.

Mr. Townsend is waiting.

You disappeared on me yesterday, Gerber.

I'm sorry. I thought it was important. - It wasn't.

Look, I want a negro representative.

But I will not tolerate any lack of diligence.

I understand.

Good. Now, I want you to turn over all your files to Brandon.

He'll service them. You can still get the commissions.

This is the area I want you to work in. The sooner you get started, the better.

Any questions, come directly to me.

Oh, uh, by the way, Gerber, I notified the N.A.A.C.P. And core that we have a negro on our staff. They're both quite pleased.

Don't let 'em down.

These policies aren't quite correct for a man in your bracket.

I'd recommend that you set aside a bit more For your future children's education.

I'm very happy to say that for the first time today, I'm gonna recommend that somebody buy an insurance policy from me.

I strongly suggest that you, uh, invest some of your widow's pension In income-earning stocks and bonds. And I'd be glad to recommend a man.

He's white. Many people are.

Well, Gerber,iIt looks to me as though you've been giving out quite a bit of free advice these past few days. - That's part of the job, isn't it?

Maybe, but on your first day you made 9 calls and sold one policy.

3 policies you did nothing about, and 5 policies you re-arranged so that...

So that our company loses 363 $ in annual premiums.

But eventually, all those people will become good customers Only because I took the time... - Oh, nonsense.

Gerber, those people don't know the first thing about insurance.

You would be doing the community a public service To sell them all the insurance you could, so that they would never become a drain on our society.

Every one of those homes I visited in the last few days Was occupied by personable, responsible...

Horse crap!


PUT YOUR BEST FOOT FORWARD # Excuse me, buddy, but

# excuse me, lady, but

... AND... # you foolin', ain't ya?

# where can I be?

# This ain't America, is it?

# Oh, Lord, where can I be?

BE A CREDIT TO YOUR RACE # This ain't America, is it?

# No, this ain't America

# you can't fool me.

You're wrong to go on trying to fool yourself.

# This here's the home of the sheriff.

YOU'RE A NEGRO # not the land of the free

# In America, folks don't run through the streets

# blood streaming YESSIRee - FACS ARE FACTS # from where they been beat

# and the parks is for the people Quite a background. Dean's list 3 times, college graduate, excellent service record. 17 years in the insurance profession.

Congratuations! YESSSIRee I think... # and the cops in the good old U.S.A.

# don't they need some kind of gods either?

... I have just the thing! # No, this ain't America you can't fool me

You're not kidding, man.

Take Jamie over there, he's got 13 years.

And a hell of a good bowler, too.

Of course they always make him bowl on the far Lane.

Kind of downwind, so to speak.

I'm not kidding.

# love

# That's America, open arms for every creature

# love # open arms

# that's America for every man

# love

# that's America

# Joy and peace and Harmony

# love!

# that's America

# billions of lives

# love! # love

# that's America Yes, love, that's America

# love!

# that's America Lonely but fallin'

# love!

# that's America

# the old eagle wearin' a grin

# love!

# that's America

# the bald eagle

Jeff, you know our neighbors.

Well, the vigilantes.

I've got the coffee on.

Well, then, what can I do for you gentlemen?

Jeff, we may as well get right to the point.

Everybody else does.

We feel your presence in the neighborhood can undermine the value of our homes, and we're concerned.

Yes, I've gotten a couple of your phone calls.

Oh, that wasn't us, Jeff. Shut up, Fred.

As nicely as we can put it, Jeff, we'd like you to move out, before it becomes common knowledge that there's a negro family in the area.

Is that as nicely as you can put it?- We're concerned.

Oh, perfectly understandable.

Especially since I've taken the spot announcements on radio.

And wait until you see the skywriting.

We're prepared to offer a very fair deal.

Walter has the figures. Walter?

Your house is worth about 40.000 $ on the open market.

37.000 $. Well, give or take...

12 $ as soon as the word gets out that I'm a nigger.

We represent a group of people, Jeff.

And we have the backing of 3 local banks.

So we're prepared to offer you 50.000 $.

Oh, I do declare that sure am a great pile of money.

We'll sell your house to a good family and absorb the loss among ourselves.

Oh, my goodness! 50.000 samoleans!

Heavens to uncle Remus.

But I can't accept it.

We're prepared to pay it right now. Tonight.

Oh, I know you're prepared to pay it.

But I'm not prepared to accept it.

I mean, uh, me and my family, we've looked forward to living here all our lives.

We like it here.

All those friendly phone calls, And at any time a nice rock can come crashing through the window to remind us that people are still thinking of us.

60.000 $. That'sas high as we can go.

Oh, come on, try harder! 75.000 $.

All right, 75.000 $. But that's as... - You see that?

You went higher. Now try 80.000 $. - 75.000 $.

Oh, come on, I'll make more than that from my watermelon patch in just one year.

Not to mention the admissions from the revival meeting.

80.000 $.

Now try 90.000 $.

Unless of course you don't mind the smell of fried chicken and ham bones just wafting through your lovely neighborhood.

90.000 $. - Oh, that sure am a lot of money.

But I like something with a... a more, uh, naughts to it.

You know, somethin' a bit rounder, somethin' with more naughts, you know, zeroes.

100.000 $. And that's as high as we're authorized to go.

You turn it down, we're not responsible.

Well, I'll take it. I'll take it.

Where do I sign?

You'll find everything in order.

As you know, Walter's an officer with the bank.

It's all pretty standard, if you care to read it over.

I think this is the best thing for everybody all around.

Oh, I think so, too. I was going to sell this house.

I think the neighborhood's a bit too Jewish.

Well, good night, Jeff. Good luck.

It's nothing personal. Oh, it never is.

If it was personal, well, I'd feel real bad.

Good night, Jeff. You have 2 weeks.

Look, if you have any trouble, and need to store your stuff, Please call my secretary.

She'll give you the necessary assistance.

Good night, Jeff. You've gotten a very good deal.

Perhaps... perhaps it'll make us seem less villainous in your eyes.

Good night, Jeff.

Villainous? Don't be silly.

I know who my friends are.

And the next nice neighborhood I move into, You guys'll get first crack at me.

100.000 $!

All I got to do is turn white.

Boy, would their faces be red.

You took advantage of them because you're colored.

How's that? - Those people were our friends.

What should have I done, given them a discount?

Pushing your way, just pushing, pushing, pushing. Is that the answer?

They wanted us out of the neighborhood.

Where do you get that "us"? You, not us!

Would you repeat that again? I don't think I heard that right.

It's very confusing.

Forgive me. There's been a great deal of pressure on me lately.

I mean, just answering the phone...

Well, I haven't been exactly winning any popularity contests myself!

Well, it's different with you. You weren't liked before this happened.

I was liked! Everybody liked me.


I hate to tell you this, but you're supposed to be on my side!

The marriage contract said, "Till death do us part."

It said that in black and white, I believe.

When we got married, I had no idea It was going to be an interracial thing, you never told me.

Well, I just got wind of it myself. If I had known what was gonna happen, I would have put an escape clause in your marriage contract!

"If my husband becomes a negro, all bets are off."

How dare you be sarcastic with me?

I'm the one who was compromised Oh, I'm not angry. How could I be angry?

I have a 100.000 $ suntan!

And why do you insist on being negro?

I don't insist. I accept it.

What would you have me do, dye my hair and insist I'm white?

You know what I'd look like with blonde hair, Althea?

Like a grilled cheese sandwich.

Negro humor always escaped me.

Well, We're learning a lot about each other, aren't we?

Yes, we are.

What happened to the flaming liberal I married?

I'm still liberal.

But to a point.

I'm sorry, baby.

I didn't realize you were under as much pressure as me.

Let's forget it tonight.

Because tonight, it's Wednesday.

It's Wednesday. And I love you.

No, it's Tuesday. It's Wednesday.

I'm sorry, Jeff.

I have to get my bearings.

It won't be Wednesday Until... until I get my bearings.

I...I... I'm going to go to sleep.


Jeff, I sent the kids to my sister's.

Your sister lives in Indianapolis.

They'll be there by morning. Margaret said she'd meet the train.

I'm sorry, but I wanted them away from all this, if and when the newspapers find out.

#Where are the children?

#Where are the children?

You were not disappointment.

You were wonderful.

Thank you very much.

In Norway we have very few negroes.

Oh, well, uh, I'll tell my buddies, uh...

Then you'll have a lot of them in no time at all.

Negroes have beautiful bodies.

Yeah, well, uh, I've been workin' out.

And when all those black muscles All work together to make love, It is so very marvelous.

Yeah, well, they all work together.

You know, we... we're noted for that, you know.

The thigh bone connected to the hip bone, you know.

They're all hooked up just right.

And the way a negro makes love...

I can never make love to a white man again.

Well, I...

I guess there'll be a few girls to take up the slack.

We must make love every night And during lunch hours, Every spare moment. - Yeah, well, I think we should take time off to vote.

Where are you going? Is there voting now?

No, I'm, uh, I'm leaving.

All right.

Will I see you tomorrow? Oh, yeah, probably at the office.

Probably I'll give you a pinch in the ass. You know, give you a little thrill.

I have disappointed you? Ah, no.

Not quite the way you think.

Yes, you have disappointed me.

There's something I didn't do?

Ah, no, uh, offhand, There's nothing I can think of that, uh, we forgot.

Then why are you leaving?

Well, I can't expect you to understand, Erica.

Explain. I will try.

I will try anything to please you.


Try and understand that, uh, beauty is only skin deep.

I want you to love me because of what I am, Not because I'm a negro.

You're a very nice man, Very courteous.

You say please and thank you.

So I like you.

Then why are you leaving? Did I hurt you?

Oh, my God, if I hurt you...

Such a great bang.

But you're a bigot, Erica.

A big, blonde bigot.

So thank you, But no thank you. You black bastard.

You're really getting to it. My goodness, in no time at all, you'll qualify for American citizenship.

Get out of here, you... you nigger!

Ah, by Jove, she's got it. I really think she's got it.

Hey, don't worry about running out of new words to call me, Erica.

'cause in a few years, you'll know 'em all.

Get out, nigger! I'm going. Bye, Erica.

Rape! Bye, Erica.




# Where are the children?

Jeff, I'm sorry.

I'm ashamed of myself and I'm sorry.

But I can't help it.

I'm going to Indianapolis.

Please try to understand. Althea.

Good morning, Mr. Gerber.

My goodness, you've been getting phone calls this morning Requesting appointments. They started coming in at 08:30.

And, oh, let's see, uh, Dr. Catlin called and, uh, well, Mr. Townsend would like to see you. - Thank you, Gladys.

That's a nice tie, Mr. Gerber. - Thank you.

Mr. Townsend. - Yes, Gerber, I sent for you. Sit down and shut up.

Screw you. I'm opening up my own office. - What?

I said, "screw you, I'm opening up my own office."

Serves you right. You'll be broke in a week.

I don't think so. Some neighbors chipped in and I won't have to worry for quite a while. Townsend. - Yes?

About your breath...

# They gotta make some kind of deal

# everything you got, gives me a thrill

# don't they know all gonna doubt

# gotta get through to you

# gotta get to you

# gotta get through, just gotta get through

# don't throw my love in a frying pan

# don't throw my love

# you got the keys, and you got the latch

# you got the keys

# I'm soul'd on you

# soul'd on you

# I'm soul'd on you

# oh, they called me Mr. Cool before

# but you got me poundin' on your front door

# Yes, I used to be Mr. Cool

# but, girl, I'm ready to be your fool

# yeah, 'cause your lovin' it makes me more

# your lovin' makes me more

# you can't take it to my soul

# to my soul, yeah, to my soul

# don't throw my love in the trash out back

# you got the keys, and you got the latch

# I'm soul'd out on you soul'd, sister

# I'm soul'd on you

# my crazy love I'm soul'd on you

# I'm soul'd on you

# Lord, you got me down on bended knees

# let me hip you to the birds and bees

# come on, girl, let's make it down there

# Lord knows that you, what you wear

# you know I can't live without you

# I can't live without you

# when you do that thing I just gotta do

# gotta do, just gotta do

# oh, don't throw my love

# in the trash out back

# oh, you got the keys, and you got the latch

# you got the keys I'm soul'd on you, oh, sister

# soul'd on you

# I'm soul'd on you, my baby

# soul'd on you

# I'm soul'd on you

# soul'd on you soul'd

# soul'd on you soul'd

# soul'd on you, soul sister, soul'd

# soul'd on you, black beauty

# soul'd on you, brown sugar

# soul'd on you

Hello. #Jeff?

Yes. It's Althea.

Althea? Althea, my wife?

I've been calling everywhere. The phone's been turned off.

When I moved out of our house, I had the phone disconnected. Where are you?

I finally got you through information. I'm in Indianapolis.

What's wrong? The kids all right? - The kids are fine.

Thanks for sending so much money. It was very generous.

Well, they're still my kids, aren't they?

Yes, and I'm never gonna let them forget their father.

Well, thank you.

It's so nice to be so well remembered before I die.

Jeff, hearing your voice, I mean, on the phone, It's... it's like it never happened.

Not on this end, baby.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know I was thinking of you and... and I hope you're taking care of yourself. - Well, I'm fine.

Still getting your exercise?

Yes, Althea, you don't have to worry about me.

I'm working out in the evenings now. - Promise me that you are.

Oh, I are. I are. You are?

I are.






Hee! Ha!

Hee! Ha!

Hee! Ha!

Hee! Ha!

Hee! Ha!

# No, this ain't America

# you can't fool me

# you can't fool me, you can't fool me

# Excuse me, but seriously you can't fool me

# which way is the good old U.S.A.?

# you can't fool me

# this ain't nothing like the place I wanna be

# not a Chance, I didn't cheat

# you can't fool me

# I don't care what you say # you can't fool me

# hey, why you pointin' that this way?

# this sure ain't America, is it?

# no, this ain't America!

# you can't fool me

# you can't fool me

# you can't fool me # you can't fool me

# no, this ain't America!

# you can't fool me Corrected by suadnovic