Wayne's World (1992) Script

Stay with us.

Spend all day with us.

There are two, you heard me, two of everything in every Noah's Arcade.

That means, two of Zantar, Bay Wolf, Ninja Commando, Snake-azon, Psycho Chopper...

It's really good seeing you, Benjamin.

You haven't been into Shakey's for so long.

Well, I've been real busy.

...it's two for you 'cause one won't do.

All this week, kids under six get every fifth...

There's a new pet.

Chia Pet, the pottery that grows.

They are very fast.

Simple. Plug it in, and insert the plug from just about anything.

Simple.

Even for our customers in Waukegan, Elgin and Aurora, we'll be there right on time.

So call!

Wayne's World, Wayne's World Party time, excellent

Okay. All right, excellent.

Excellent, excellent.

Okay, extreme close-up!

Excellent. Okay, excellent, extreme close-up.

Okay, now is the time for Wayne's World Totally Amazing Excellent Discoveries.

Our guest is Ron Paxton.

Welcome to Wayne's World, Ron. Thanks, Wayne.

Now, you're the inventor of the Suck Kut, right?

What exactly is a Suck Kut?

The Suck Kut is a revolution in home haircutting.

Wow. What a totally amazing, excellent discovery.

Well, yes.

Fireworks!

Now, Ron, the question that's on everybody's mind is, "How does it work?"

I'm fully prepared to give a complete demonstration.

Okay, okay, Garth, just sit there, and he's gonna put that thing on your melon, okay?

Just a trim. Don't buzz me, all right?

So, tell me, Ron, exactly how does the Suck Kut work?

Well, as you can see, it sucks as it cuts.

It certainly does suck.

What are we looking at? Wayne's World.

These guys, they do their show out of their basement.

People watch this? Yeah, lots.

Turn it off, man! Turn it off!

It's sucking my will to live!

Oh, the humanity!

Will you hand me the telephone? Sure.

Can I have a buzz? No!

No, no.

Russell, it's Benjamin.

Are you watching TV?

Listen, could you turn it to channel 10?

I want you to find out who these guys are and where they do their show.

I think we've found something that we can sell to Vanderhoff.

Take your Ritalin, okay? I don't have a buzz...

Okay? You're in a forest. Forest?

You're in a forest with Heather Locklear.

With Heather? And you're very warm.

Yeah? Very...

Warm? ...warm.

These guys are so funny.

Oh, they're obviously brilliant.

Wow! What a totally amazing, excellent discovery... not!

Thanks, Ron.

Okay, that's all the time we have for this week.

Until then, good night!

Party on, Wayne. Party on, Garth.

It's Wayne's World, Wayne's World Party time, excellent

And... We're clear!

All right!

Excellent show. Excellent!

Excellent.

All right!

Excellent show. Excellent!

Excellent!

Let me bring you up to speed.

My name is Wayne Campbell.

I live in Aurora, Illinois, which is a suburb of Chicago.

Excellent!

I've had plenty of Joe jobs, nothing I'd call a career.

Let me put it this way, I have an extensive collection of name tags and hair nets.

Okay, I still live with my parents, which I admit is both bogus and sad, but at least I've got an amazing cable access show, and I still know how to party.

But what I'd really love is to do Wayne's World for a living.

It might happen.

Yeah, and monkeys might fly out of my butt.

Ah, the Mirthmobile.

This is my best friend Garth Algar.

Hi.

I think we'll go with a little Bohemian Rhapsody, gentlemen.

Good call.

I see a little silhouette of a man Scaramouche, Scaramouche Will you do the fandango?

Thunderbolt and lightning Very, very frightening me Galileo Galileo Galileo Galileo Galileo, Figaro Magnifico I'm just a poor boy, nobody loves me He's just a poor boy from a poor family Spare him his life from this monstrosity Whoa. It's Phil.

Phil, what are you doing here?

You're partied out, man, again.

What if he honks in the car?

I'm giving you a no-honk guarantee.

Phil, if you're gonna spew, spew into this.

Easy come, easy go Will you let me go?

Bismillah!

No, we will not let you go Let him go Bismillah! We will not let you go Let him go Bismillah We will not let you go Let me go Will not let you go Let me go Will not let you go Let me go No, no, no, no, no, no, no Oh, mama mia, mama mia Mama mia, let me go Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me For me For me

So you think you can stone me and spit in my eye So you think you can love me and leave me to die Oh, baby Garth, pull over. Oh! Oh, man, come on.

Not again.

He does this every Friday.

Stop torturing yourself, man!

You'll never afford it!

Live in the now!

It will be mine.

Oh, yes, it will be mine.

Oh, yeah Oh, yeah

Nothing really matters Anyone can see Nothing really matters Nothing really matters to me

Hey, Wayne's World! Wayne's World! Party!

Yeah!

Excellent!

Way to go!

Looking good, Garth! Party on, Wayne!

Hey, Campbell. Uno momento, fellows.

Officer Koharski, how's it going?

Fine.

Say, I smell bacon.

Does anyone else smell bacon?

Yeah, I definitely smell a pork product of some type.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know what you're doing, Campbell.

Bacon, pig, oink-oink, police officer.

I used to say that to cops when I was your age.

Hey, what are you up to? Me?

I just pulled over a tour bus on its way to Chicago.

We had a tip that there was some drug smuggling going down.

We searched the entire vehicle.

It was clean, so we had to proceed with the body cavity searches.

No way.

Way! I inspected 12 individuals myself, inside and out.

Okay, this guy needs coffee and crullers, stat!

We gotta get him to Rampart. Let's go!

This is Stan Mikita's donuts.

Excellent munchables.

This is the manager, Glen.

He's here 24 hours a day.

I recommend the Sugar Pucks.

They're excellent. Come on.

I'd never done a crazy thing in my life before that night.

Why is it if a man kills another man in battle, it's called heroic, yet if he kills a man in the heat of passion, it's called murder?

Hello! What do you think you're doing?

Only me and Garth get to talk to the camera.

Come on.

I don't really have too much to say right now.

What's that?

Hi, Mr. Withers. How's the amusement park going?

Just great, Wayne.

Four coffees and a half dozen crullers, please.

And one jelly donut.

Hey, there's your girlfriend, Garth. Yeah.

Ow.

Excuse me, I fell.

Don't you guys ever get tired of ordering the same thing?

No. No.

Don't look. Stacy.

Where?

Oh, God. I made eye contact.

Psycho hose beast.

Happy anniversary, Wayne.

Stacy, we broke up two months ago.

Well, that doesn't mean we can't still go out.

Well, it does, actually.

That's what breaking up is.

Well, are you gonna go to the Gasworks tonight?

No.

No! No!

Don't you wanna open your present?

If it's a severed head, I'm gonna be very upset.

Open it. Okay. Okay.

What is it? It's a gun rack.

A gun rack?

A gun rack.

Yeah, great.

I don't even own a gun, let alone many guns that would necessitate an entire rack.

What am I gonna do with a gun rack?

You don't like it, fine.

You know, Wayne, if you're not careful, you're gonna lose me.

I lost you two months ago.

Are you mental? We broke up!

Get the net!

Wayne! Hey!

How you doing? Garth!

Hey, Tiny, who's playing tonight?

Jolly Green Giants, The Shitty Beatles.

The Shitty Beatles. Are they any good?

They suck.

Then it's not just a clever name?

Who else?

Crucial Taunt, and they're just finishing the set.

I hear they can wail.

You're right. Party on.

Party on. Yo!

All right, Wayne, Garth.

All right!

Now, dig this, baby!

You don't care for me I don't care about that This is the Gasworks, an excellent heavy metal bar.

Always a babe fest.

And they got a pool table, too.

Let me stand next to your fire Party!

Party! Excuse me.

Let me stand next to your fire Let me stand Let me stand next to your fire Hey. Excuse me.

Excuse me.

What? I'd like to get by now.

Get out of my face, you little dweeb.

Ow.

I have only one itching desire Let me stand next to your fire Let me stand next to your fire


You don't care for me I don't care about that You got a new fool I like it like that I have only one burning desire Let me stand next to your fire Excuse me.

Hey, let me stand next to your fire What do you want, you little dweeb?

Oh, let me stand next to your fire

Thank you.

You say your mama ain't home It ain't my concern Just don't play with me And you won't get burned

She's a babe! Schwing!

Yeah


Fight, fight, fight! Fight, fight, fight!

Yeah!

All right.

I love this woman.

Hey, Raymond, club soda with a lime, please.

And would you get me a towel?

Wow, you really wail.

Thanks.

Hey, you're that "party time" guy on TV. Wayne, right?

Yes, and you are? Cassandra.

Cassandra.

Rough night, huh? Everybody's kung fu fighting.

Yeah. Well, nice meeting you.

Hey, hold on! Can I call you sometime?

You got 5 bucks, you can come to the rent party.

It's at my loft.

I'm there.

I gotta go, the club owner's trying to dick me out of some money.

Okay, okay, okay.

See how many people I brought in here?

That bass player's a babe.

She makes me feel kind of funny, like when we used to climb the rope in gym class.

You said I'd get cash up front.

She will be mine.

Oh, yes. She will be mine.

Pardon me. Do you have any Grey Poupon?


Okay, Garth, just sit there, all right?

He's gonna put that thing on your melon.

Oh, okay, but just a trim. Don't buzz me, all right?

Oh, no! Help me, Ron.

Russell, stop the tape.

So, what do you think?

I think it's two chimps on a davenport in a basement.

I'm not sponsoring this.

I got spots on Love Boat, but this? What is this?

Mr. Vanderhoff, this is your audience. I mean, look at them.

They're the same kids that line up at Noah's Arcade every weekend.

Well, it looks so cheesy.

That would be where I come in.

Russell's our best producer.

He does Chicago PM, with Elaine Ronkey, Sunshine Saturday, the African American Digest.

I never heard of that one. It's on very late.

It won several awards.

Yeah, well, I think I'll stick with Love Boat.

If I may, speaking from a producer/director standpoint, kids can relate to this show.

These guys aren't phonies.

Kids can spot phonies. They're very smart.

Kids know dick.

I watch them in my arcades.

They stand like laboratory rats hitting the feeder bar to get a food pellet.

But as long as they keep pumping in the quarters, who gives a shit, right?

Let me ask you something.

What is your single biggest problem in the arcade business?

Well, keeping the customer informed of new product.

Like, we have a new game called Zantar.

Zantar is a gelatinous cube that eats warriors in a medieval village, and every time it eats a chieftain, you ascend to a higher level.

Beauty part is, you can't get to the next level, so the kids keep coughing up quarters, you know.

Gelatinous cube eats village.

I think it's terrific.

You know, I know nothing about video games.

I found what you just said riveting.

Well, I do my own commercials. I did not know that.

Of course, I don't mention the games in the commercials, because the technology moves so much faster than the advertising.

I did not realize that. Russell, did you realize that?

No, I did not realize that.

So, Mr. Vanderhoff, let me see if I'm hearing you correctly.

Are you saying that if you had a spot, say on a weekly show, that you could come on the show and update the kids on exactly what was new in your arcade?

Yeah, that's it. Well, I'm impressed.

Wow.

Noah's Arcade presents Wayne's World.

I've gotta tell you, I think that's brilliant.

Brilliant.

Well, thank you.

We'll get right to work on this.

We'll send the contracts over to your office.

We'll be in touch.

I'd like to think about this. Oh, of course you would.

I wouldn't have it any other way. Yeah.

She'll validate you. Thank you.

He's in.

You've gotta get on it, right away. This morning.

Stop it, you're scaring me.

Oh, cool. You're learning Cassandra's language.

I've never seen you so mental over a girl before.

Are you gonna marry her? Garth, marriage is punishment for shoplifting in some countries.

Okay, passed inspection.

All right. Just barely.

Okay, that's $42.57, Wayne, parts and labor.

No way. Brutal.

Okay. There you go. We got it.

All right, we got it, we got it. That's not enough.

What? We got that.

We got that. That's good, but I need more.

Oh, man, why... Why don't you use a gun?

It's not my fault, come on.

I suppose it's society's fault?

More.

Cool. All right.

Well, here's an extra dollar.

You guys should have been at Gasworks on Friday.

Yeah, we were there.

There was this band, Crucial Taunt.

They had this mega babe for a lead singer. Unreal!

Phil, we were there.

Have you gone mental? Hello.

I think we should go now. Here you go.

Cool. Cool.

You think it's wise to sell a show we don't own?

By tonight, we will.

Excuse me.

Do you know where we could find Wayne Campbell?

That would be privileged information.

We just wanna know where they broadcast from.

Are you a friend or a relative?

We're neither.

You know, Russell, I may not have grown up around here, but I understand these people.

This must be the place.

Okay, we're just about out of time, right?

But before we go, we'd like to take a moment here for a Wayne's World salute to the Guess jeans girl, Claudia Schiffer.

Schwing! Schwing!

Tent pole! She's a babe.

She's magically babe-licious.

She tested very high on the strokability scale.

Okay. Hey, are you through yet?

'Cause I'm getting tired of holding this.

Yeah, that's what she said.

Okay, so, Claudia Schiffer, we salute you.

Scha-wing! Scha-wing!

Okay. That's all the time we have for this week.

Until then, good night.

Party on, Wayne. Party on, Garth.

Wayne's World, Wayne's World Party time, excellent

And... we're clear.

All right! Okay! Excellent show, everyone.

All right. Excellent. All right.

Great show.

Wayne, Benjamin Kane, Regional Program Director for Oliver Communications.

Oh, hello. Hi.

And I'm Russell Finley. We spoke earlier today. Hi.

Listen, maybe we can go somewhere and get acquainted.

Russell, why don't you get to know the crew?

You know anywhere nice? Hi.

See you guys later. Hi.

First of all, let me get this out of the way.

I'm a big fan. You are?

The way I see it, your show is capable of so much more.

Well, we'll try harder, okay?

Just give us a second chance.

Just don't come in and cancel us without giving us a second chance.

Garth, come on, relax, all right? Your pills?

He can't cancel us. We're on public access.

Can I be honest with you?

My job, it's usually such a bore, but the other day, the most incredible thing happened.

What happened? Noah Vanderhoff, the owner of the largest chain of video arcades in Chicago, is in my office, and he asks me, "What's with this show, Wayne's World, "that I keep hearing so much about?"

Well, I have all your shows on tape.

Like I said, I'm a fan.

I put a show in for him, and he literally jumped out of his seat.

Cool. Cool.

Immediately, he wants to sponsor the show, put you on our station, and pay you guys a huge salary.

Of course, what he doesn't realize is that you're both artists and that you're not interested in money.

No, we're not interested in money.

That's what I told him.

But he said, "Go to Aurora anyway, "and take two cashier's checks with you, so they at least know that I'm serious."

I know that I may be wasting my time, but here I am with the contract and two cashier's checks for $5,000 each.

Ex-squeeze me? Baking powder?

It sounded like you said you were gonna pay us for doing Wayne's World.

I know. You just give me the word and I'll tear up these checks right here.

No! No! No! No!

He shoots, he scores!

Well. Would you like to look at the contracts?

Yes. Do you have a lawyer?

Yes. No.

We're between lawyers right now.

You see, our first lawyer screwed our affairs so badly...

That's right. I walked right into that office, that's what I did, and I reached across that desk, and I grabbed him by his big fat head, and I said, "Listen, man, I'm not going to jail for you or anybody."

Exactly.

Can I have an opportunity to peruse that contract before we sign it?

Yes.

Yes.

I like what you've done here.

Yes. Yes.

I dropped my pen.

I'm not so sure about...

Oh, I see. I see.

Hi. Does this seem weird?

I mean, why does this guy have contracts?

Did you ever see The Twilight Zone where the guy signed a contract, and they cut out his tongue, and they put it in a jar, and it wouldn't die?

It just grew and pulsated and gave birth to baby tongues.

Pretty cool, huh? I gotta go.

Oh, I like this part.

Well, I feel we can work with you on this project.

Well, you've made Mr. Vanderhoff a very happy man.

To Wayne's World.

To Wayne's World. To Wayne's World.

We got $5,000, we got $5,000 We got $5,000, we got $5,000 Hey, check it out. Hey, Wayne.

We got $5,000, we got $5,000

Ain't got no reason For reaction Party!

Ain't got no reason for distraction Great party, huh, guys?

Love the way that you love me, baby Love the way that you stare Stacy alert!

We've been spotted, and we're being pulled in by her tractor beam.

I gotta go. We gotta go.

Ooh, if you dare

Don't be afraid to love me Anywhere

Don't be afraid to love me Anywhere Won't you touch me?

Won't you love me?

Just let me know God, she's amazing. Yeah.

I'll be there Wayne, Wayne, Garth told me about the show, man.

I love you, man.

Yeah, and I love you, too, Terry.

No, no, no, I mean it, man. I love you.

No, I mean it. I love you.

No, you don't, man.

Why don't you love me?

Garth, hey, come over here.

I think Terry has something he wants to say to you.

I love you, man.

Thank you.

I'll be there Oh, I'll be there


Your vocals are incredible.

Thanks.

You have a very interesting look.

Aha.

Oh, I'm not trying to pick up on you.

Good thing.

No, no, I'm producing a television show.

It's in Chicago, very late night, but we're looking for a musical act.

Here's my card. Is there a number where I can reach you at?

We got fliers at the door.

Hello.

Wayne? Hi, Wayne. Hi.

Hi, you wanna go somewhere and talk?

Sure.

What's going on in there?

Just a minute!

We'd like to go to the bathroom, please...

Yeah. ...in this century.

How long you been waiting?

Like an hour now.

Hi, Garth.

Hi.

I'm looking for Wayne. I'm very concerned about him.

He seems to be going through this difficult phase right now.

You know what I think it is? That you're mental?

You know him best. What do you think I should do?

Just get over it. Go out with somebody else.

"Get over it. Go out with somebody else."

Yeah, thanks. Okay, great.

Hi.

So, who's this guy, Benjamin?

Only one of the most important producers in television.

He's way ahead of his time.

We've signed with him. He's based in Chicago.

He gave me his business card. He's interested in the band.

Of course. I love your band. You guys wail.

Thanks. You guys kick ass.

You're double live gonzo, intensity in ten cities, live at Budokan.

You know, if you guys got a break, you could really make it.

Yeah, and if a frog had wings, he wouldn't bump his ass when he hopped.

Interesting.

Where did you learn English?

College, and the Police Academy movies.

Ah.

Cassandra,

I've got something I wanna say to you.

Campbell, that's amazing.

You learned how to say I look pretty, in Cantonese.

Hi, Wayne.

Hello, Stacy.

Sit right here.


You make me laugh.

Can I call you?

Anytime.

Look out!

Oops.


Sometimes I wish I could boldly go where no man's gone before, but I'll probably stay in Aurora.

What are you thinking about? Cassandra.

She's a fox.

In France, she would be called La Renarde, and she would be hunted, with only her cunning to protect her.

She's a babe.

She's a robo-babe.

In Latin, she would be called babia majora.

If she were a president, she'd be Babe-raham Lincoln.

Did you ever find Bugs Bunny attractive when he'd put on a dress and play a girl bunny?

No.

No.

Neither did I. I was just asking.

Okay, okay, keep looking up!

Okay.


Guys, I will be talking to the cameraman on the headset.

It will be Terry's job to give the actors their hand cues.

Oh, excuse me, Russell, but I believe I requested the hand job.

Let's go on.

The cue is... Watch carefully.

Five, four, three...

You didn't say "two" or "one."

Oh, you don't say "two" or "one." Why not?

You just don't, okay?

Now, it goes,

five, four, three...

Good. Okay, good. Yeah, all right.

All right, now, I think we're ready for rehearsal, unless there are any questions? Yeah.

Does this seem weird to anybody else?

I mean, we're looking down on Wayne's basement, only that's not Wayne's basement.

Isn't that weird?

That's twisted. That's weird, man, that's weird.

Garth, that was a haiku.

Excellent.

Control room. Russell.

Oh, hello, Benjamin.

Just finishing up with the Vanderhoffs.

They'd like to come down and look at a rehearsal and make sure we're not wasting their money.

Not a good idea, sir. Great.

Come in. Your landing gear is down.

Just put that down.

Ow. Just go away, guys, okay?

Let's just... Maybe go down to the set. Hey, hey, hey!

Russell's very excited you're coming down to the studio.

Oh, the studio.

That's where the magic happens. Oh, you've worked in television?

No, but I watch a lot of it.

Of course you do. You're creative.

She's the one who came up with the name Noah's Arcade.

I just opened my mouth and out it came.

You're a lucky man, Mr. Vanderhoff.

All right, can we bring in the blue screen? Let's try one.

Ready to cue Wayne and Garth, and go.

Okay.

In five, four, three...

Good, Terry. Wayne, Garth, don't count along.

We see your mouths moving. Again.

In five, four, three...

Guys, you're nodding.

Once again, Terry.

In five, four, three, two...

Okay. Welcome to Wayne's World. Party on, Garth.

Party on, Wayne.

Okay, we got a new feature on Wayne's World this week, which allows us to travel through time and space.

It's called chroma key, and it's really handy if you wanna go to... New York.

Hey, we're in New York!

I've got a gun. Let's go to a Broadway show.

I guess kids get this?

Oh, they love it. Yo, taxi.

Or maybe you prefer Hawaii.

Muka laka hickey. Come on, you wanna lay me.

Pass the poi, mahalo.

Or say you wanna go to Texas.

Howdy, partners. Let's raise and rope broncos.

Let's go down to the floor.

Howdy, y'all.

Or imagine being able to be magically whisked away to Delaware.

Hi. I'm in Delaware.

Noah and Mimi Vanderhoff, say hello to Wayne Campbell and Garth Algar.

It's a pleasure to meet you. Hi, nice to meet you.

Hello. So, Garth, how do you like being in a real studio?

It's like a new pair of underwear, you know?

At first it's constrictive, but after a while, it becomes a part of you.

I gotta go.

Okay.

No, no, no. Please.

Wayne, I used to be in meat packing, lips and hooves.

And then, one day, I had a four-hour layover in Tulsa.

Well, there were these kids in the airport that kept pumping quarters into a game called Pong.

They must've gone through 50 bucks.

Well, I sat there watching and I said, "Hell, I'm in the wrong business."

Fifteen years later, I'm a millionaire.

It's so huge.

Thanks.

Do I frighten you?

No.

Do you want me to?

You know, Noah, I gotta tell you, I love you on that couch.

You think?

Wayne, did you know that Noah does all his own commercials?

Yeah, I got a new one where I rap.

Come bust a move Where the games are played It's chill, it's fresh It's Noah's Arcade What do you think of that?

I'd have to say, ass sphincter says what?

What? A sphincter says what?

What? Exactly.

Oh, we've got a lunch.

That's what I think of it. Okay.

Well, it's been a pleasure.

May I say, I have just had a thrilling day.

You may. Shall we?

And may I say, your wife's a babe.

Well, thank you. We have a table.

What is it, girl?

Aliens have kidnapped Wayne?

Oh, I misunderstood. Wayne's outside.

Thanks, girl.

Okay! Game on!

Game on. Game on.

He shoots, he scores!

One for one.

Crowd is going wild!

Car! Car!

Game on. Game on.

Okay. All right, let's go.

Gump Worsley cuts down the angle.

Gretzky shoots!

Oh, Gretzky is denied!

Choked on the open net.

Wayne? Yeah?

Do you ever get the feeling that Benjamin's not one of us?

Good call.

It's as if Benjamin wants us to be liked by everyone.

I mean, Led Zeppelin didn't write tunes that everyone liked.

They left that to the Bee Gees.

Car! Car!

Game on. Game on.

Incoming. Stacy, 10:00.

Hi, Wayne.

Hi.

Hey, are you all right?

Oops.

And she's okay.

Game on.

Yeah, game on.

You know, Garth, you and I have never really talked.

Okay.

You know, I love what you do on the show.

I mean, I look at you, and I just laugh and laugh.

Uh-huh.

Let me run this by you, because you're a sharp guy.

I'm thinking about giving Vanderhoff a weekly interview on the show.

How would you feel about making a change?

We fear change.

So, Cassandra, I just have to say it, you look excellent. Thanks.

I've been so busy lately with my band, I've been going shithouse.

I thought I was getting meningitis.

You know, I thought I had mono once for an entire year.

It turned out I was just really bored.

You're so fine, you're so fine You blow my mind Excuse me?

I'm sorry. It's the last song I heard this morning when I left the house.

Oh, yeah. I hate when that happens.

Hey, Mickey, you're so fine You're so fine, you blow my mind Hey, Mickey Hey, Mickey Hey, Mickey, you're so fine You're so fine, you blow my mind Hey, Mickey

I think I'm gonna put on some tunes.

Hey, when did you get the CD player?

When we got the money.


There it is, Excalibur.

Wow, a '64 Fender Stratocaster in classic white, with triple single-coil pickups, and a whammy bar.

Pre-CBS Fender corporate buyout.

I'd raise the bridge, file down the nut, and take the buzz out of the low "E."

God, I love this woman.

Hi, Garth. Hi.

Where's the clerk?

I know. I'll use the "May I help you" riff.

May I help you?

Yes, my good man.

I'd like to have a look at this Fender Stratocaster, please.

Oh, really? Yes.

Again? Yes.

Be careful.

No Stairway.

Denied!


Wow!

You're amazing, dude.

Thanks.

I like to play.

Excuse me. Wayne?

Can I put the Fender back now, please?

Not today, my good man. I'm feeling saucy.

I think I'm gonna buy it.

Do you accept... cash? Cha-ching.

Have you spoken to Wayne about the Vanderhoff spot?

Yes, briefly. He was not very receptive.

Oh, really? Well, I'll explain it to him that it's not a choice, it's in his contract.

Oh. Well, Wayne will understand that right away.

Not.

Excuse me.

I mean, there was two Darrin Stephens, right?

Dick York, Dick Sargent.

Yeah, right, as if we wouldn't notice.

Oh, hold on.

Dick York. Dick Sargent.

Sergeant York. Wow, that's weird.

Wayne.

Listen, we need to have a talk about Vanderhoff.

The fact is, he's the sponsor, and you signed a contract guaranteeing him certain concessions, one of them being a spot on the show.

Well, that's where I see things just a little differently.

Contract or no, I will not bow to any sponsor.

I'm sorry you feel that way, but basically, it's the nature of the beast.

Maybe I'm wrong on this one, but for me, the beast doesn't include selling out.

Garth, you know what I'm talking about, right?

It's like people only do things because they get paid, and that's just really sad.

I can't talk about it anymore. It's giving me a headache.

Here. Take two of these.

Ah, Nuprin. Little. Yellow. Different.

Look. You can stay here in the big leagues and play by the rules, or you can go back to the farm club in Aurora.

It's your choice. Yes, and it's the choice of a new generation.

And her name was Cassandra Yeah.

Anything wrong, Davy? Yeah. I got paid today.

Oh, yeah, I know what that's like. No.

You don't understand. They laid me off.

I got one of these.

Yeah, I know how that feels.

Know what I'd like to do? Yeah, I know what you'd like to do.

You'd like to find the guy that did it, rip his still-beating heart out of his chest, and hold it in front of his face so he can see how black it is before he dies.

Actually, I was thinking about filing a grievance with the union.

Well, the world's a twisted place.

Hi.

Hey, how's it going, Garth? Hey, Garth.

Good.

Hey. There she is.

I must have slipped.

Wayne, what do you do if every time you see this one incredible woman, you think you're gonna hurl?

I say, hurl.

If you blow chunks and she comes back, she's yours.

If you spew and she bolts, it was never meant to be.

Oh, I'm not ready yet. I gotta be comfortable with me first.

Why don't you just go talk to her?

Talk to her. Talk to her.

Foxy

Foxy You know you are a cute little heartbreaker Foxy Yeah And you know you are a sweet little lovemaker Foxy

I wanna take you home Yeah I won't do you no harm, no

You've got to be all mine, all mine Foxy lady Here I come, baby I'm coming to get you Why don't you just go talk to her?

Why don't you just go talk to her? Why don't you just go talk to her?

Garth?

Camera one.

Camera two.

Camera one.

Camera two.

Camera one, camera two.

Camera one, camera two.

Don't.

Camera one, camera two.

Tell me, when that first show is over, will you still love me when I'm an incredibly humongoid, giant star?

Yeah.

Will you still love me when I'm in my hanging-out-with-Ravi-Shankar phase?

Yeah.

Will you still love me when I'm in my carbohydrate, sequined jump-suit, young-girls-in-white-cotton-panties, waking-up-in-a-pool-of-your-own-vomit, bloated, purple, dead-on-a-toilet phase?

Yeah. Okay. Party. Bonus.

Yeah?

Oh, hi, Anthony. Who's Anthony?

Who's Anthony? My drummer.

Okay.

You what?

No. I told you next week we'll be doing a music video.

Do you mind? This is business.

Hey, you wanna be a busboy the rest of your life?

Well, then talk to your boss.

Look, this guy Benjamin is putting up serious money for this thing.

Yeah.

Happy Birthday Mr. President Happy Birthday To you

Work it out, okay?

Just... No, just be there.

Okay. Bye.

You asshole!

Excellent.

Hey. All right. Glad you could make it. Hi.

Oh, wow! Yes.

Cool.

Yes.

This is definitely the type of place I'm gonna get when I move out of my parents' house.

Oh, you have a terrace.

Oh, yeah. Why don't you go on out?

I'll get the Dom Perignon.

What floor is this?

The 23rd.

You know, Cassandra, from this height, you could really hock a loogie on someone.

You know, I feel so free up here.

It costs a lot to live this free.

You know, this might be a tangent, right, but it's something I've been thinking about.

Hi.

If I had a girl like Cassandra, I wouldn't bring her here.

I mean, look at this place.

This is a fully-functional babe lair.

Chicks are helpless against its powers.

Let's check it out.

I don't believe I've ever had French champagne before.

Oh, actually, all champagne is French. It's named after the region.

Otherwise, it's sparkling white wine.

Americans, of course, don't recognize the convention, so it becomes that thing of calling all of their sparkling whites champagne, even though by definition they're not.

Ah, yes. It's a lot like Star Trek: The Next Generation.

In many ways it's superior, but will never be as recognized as the original.

Aha. What's this?

"How To Pick-Up Chicks," "How to Meet Women."

He's smooth.

Aha.

"Daily reminder.

"Thursday. Purchase feeble public access cable show

"and exploit it."

Whoa. I feel sorry for whoever that is.

Let's look over here.

"Ribbed for her pleasure."

Well, the show looks great.

Mr. Vanderhoff's very excited. I'm very excited.

I mean, I think the show's gonna be a huge hit all over the Chicago land area.

Look, I want you and Garth to have these.

It's two tickets to Alice Cooper's concert tomorrow night in Milwaukee.

Wow! Backstage passes.

Whoa. All-access backstage with Alice Cooper?

Thank you.

Take the day off. Enjoy yourselves.

Well, what about Cassandra?

She and I have work to do.

Here's to your success. No. Here's to Benjamin.

Who wants Chinese takeout?

I know a great place.

I'll have the Cream of Sum Yung Guy.

Cassandra, why don't you order?

Oh, no. I'm sure whatever you order will be fine.

Oh, okay.

Mountain Dew.

Pepsi-Cola.

This guy is good.

Picked up a little Cantonese when I was in the Orient.

You know, you sound a lot like you're from Kowloon Bay, as opposed to Hong Kong.

I was born in Kowloon Bay.

There you have it.

This guy's really good.

Well, I wanna tell you about me

I asked you to stay And still you leave Well, I may look lonely and blue But I've been here waiting for you And I Want an answer or two

Why you wanna break my heart?

Ooh, why you wanna break my heart?

Ooh, why you wanna break my heart?

Ooh, why you wanna break my heart?

Sounds great! Thanks.

You got a minute? Sure.

Hey, you guys, hang out.

I thought I'd come by and drop off the contract for the video.

Oh, great.

You know, I never really got a chance to say thank you, but you've been very generous.

Oh, well, it's been my pleasure.

Listen, I thought if you were done here that maybe we could spend the afternoon together.

We should be pretty close to Milwaukee by now.

Look! There's Sharps' brewery! Cool!

One, two, three, four five, six, seven, eight Schlemiel, schlimazel Hasen Pfeffer Incorporated


Hey, wait a minute. What are we doing?

Yeah! We got backstage passes for Alice Cooper!


Do you wanna go backstage?

Yeah. Let's go back now and beat the crowd.


Where you going? Let him through. He's got a pass.

We got in! Excuse me, business.

We got passes. Yeah!

I think we took a wrong turn, 'cause we're outside now.

Whoa, cool.

Is this Alice's limo?

No, it belongs to Frank Sharp, head of Sharp Records.

Good friend of Alice's.

Wow, that's, like, way bigger than a normal-size car.

Well, it has to be.

He drives everywhere. Hates to fly.

He's going across the country right now to look for new acts to sign to his label.

Next stop is St. Louis, then he's gonna come back through Chicago on his way to Detroit.

Thanks.

You know, for a security guard, he had an awful lot of information, don't you think?

Thank you, Milwaukee!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, ladies, ladies.

Sorry, ladies. I'm sorry. No...

Oh, you got passes, all right. Come on, come on.

I'm sorry. Hurry up, hurry up.

Let us through, please. No, no, I can't let you in, sorry.

Excuse us.

Alice. Is this cool?

Yeah, come on in.

Sorry to bother you, but we had to come and tell you how much we really enjoyed the show, didn't we, Garth?

Oh. Thanks.

We're not mental or anything, so don't be afraid.

My name is Wayne, and this is Garth.

Nice to meet you guys.

So, do you come to Milwaukee often?

Well, I'm a regular visitor here, but Milwaukee has certainly had its share of visitors.

The French missionaries and explorers were coming here as early as the late 1600s to trade with the Native Americans.

In fact, isn't Milwaukee an Indian name?

Yes, Pete, it is.

Actually, it's pronounced "mee-lee-wa-kay," which is Algonquin for "The Good Land."

I was not aware of that.

I think one of the most interesting aspects of Milwaukee is the fact that it's the only major American city to have ever elected three socialist mayors.

Does this guy know how to party or what?

Huh? Huh?

Okay. Well, we gotta get going.

No, no, no. Stick around. Hang out with us.

Cool. Yeah, we'll stay and hang around with youse.

With Alice Cooper.

We're not worthy! We're not worthy!

We're not worthy! We're not worthy!

We're not worthy! We're not worthy!

We're scum!

We suck!

Our first big show, and we almost didn't make it.

I really hope Cassandra's watching.

Oh, yeah, perfect. Whatever it costs, I think...

Hey, there they are. Hi, guys.

Hello. Hey, how's it going?

Well, tonight's the night.

You know, a lot of people in the Chicago land area are gonna be watching the show.

You know what? I already know it's gonna be a hit.

I'll be in the booth.

Mr. Vanderhoff will be your first guest.

Oh, hi, boys.

What the hell is this?

Can we fly in the sign, please?

All right, that's it. Just bring her down.

That's good. What... What...

Don't tense up. You're gonna be great.

Garth, have you got a second?

Simply read the cards.

You're going to be wonderful. Really.

Okay?

Oh, Russell, can I borrow your marker? I...

I need to make some notes. Sure.

Good luck.

My guys.

You're my guys!

Your name is pronounced "Algar," right?

Okay.

Wayne!

They'll be fine. Good.

Stand by. This is it, honey.

In five, four, three...

Wayne's World is brought to you by Noah's Arcade.

Party on, Wayne.

Hey!

Wayne's World, Wayne's World Party time Excellent It's Friday. It's 11:30.

It's time to party with your excellent host Wayne Campbell, and with him, as always, is Garth.

Party on, Wayne, and party on, Garth.

Wayne's World Okay. Welcome to Wayne's World.

Party on, Garth.

I guess.

Okay, okay, first of all, we'd like to take a moment here on Wayne's World to welcome our sponsor.

He's the owner of a fine chain of Noah's Arcades.

Noah Vanderhoff. Nice name.

Not.

Now, Mr. Vanderhoff...

He's using the cards. Yes!

I told you he'd fall in line.

What is your most popular video game right now?

Desert Storm Commando Warrior.

That would have to do with that limited skirmish in the Middle East.

Yes.

What the hell's he doing?

Aren't there long lines for your more popular games?

Well, at Noah's Arcade, we like to say there's two of everything, so there's never a line.

Okay. Now, tell me, Noah, I've always wanted to know, what is the difference between Pac-Man and Ms. Pac-Man, really?

Well, she has a bow on her head.

That's it?

Get right out of town. No, that's it.

Well, thank you for being on Wayne's World.

It was informative and stimulating.

Now, a word from our sponsor.

We're at commercial.

Oh, that was fun. Okay.

Well, I'll see you next week. I hope.

Wayne, could you come up to the booth, please?

Oh, honey, you were incredible.

I think it went really well.

Absolutely, honey. There was a huge response in that little room up there.

Really? Sir, I can assure you that those phrases were not on the cards when I gave them to him.

Wayne, what the hell is going on?

What are you doing?

Same thing we always do.

You've publicly humiliated the sponsor.

Yeah. You're fired.

Fired? For that?

Yeah. Right. That's it, I'm out of here, and I'm taking my show with me. We own the show.

Bite me.

Okay.

Are we back?

Stand by.

Coming back?

And go.

Five, four, three...

I'm having a good time.

Not.

Did you ever see that scene in Scanners when that dude's head blew up?

Hello? Hello.

It's Benjamin.

Oh, hi.

Listen, did you see the show tonight?

I had to work at the club so I only saw the first part, but I laughed my ass off.

Well, we had some technical difficulties, and we're still playing with the format.

Has Wayne talked to you?

About what?

Why? Are you canceling my video?

No. In fact, I called just to make sure we're still on.

Well, we got a deal, right? Absolutely.

I'll see you in Chicago.

Okay. Bye.

You really pissed me off tonight.

Garth, you've never been mad at anything in your life.

Yeah, but you shouldn't have walked out on the show.

I mean, you know, I handled it okay, but you shouldn't walk out on your friend without telling him first.

Oh, so I have to run everything by you now?

Yeah, I think you have to run everything by me now.

What am I, some sort of chimp?

"With you, as always, is Garth"?

Jim to your Marlin Perkins?

You know, Benjamin had you so snowed.

You know what? He's got it for Cassandra.

No way. Way.

Yeah! Cassandra's not interested. As if.

Okay, pop quiz, Cassandra is not interested in Benjamin because:

A) chicks think he's handsome, B) has cool car, C) has lots of cash, D) has no visible scars, E) does not live with parents.

Okay, how about, "F) you're a gimp"?

You know what you can do with your pop quiz?

You know what you can do with your show?

You can take a flying...

...until the handle breaks off and you have to find a doctor to pull it out again.

Kiss your mother with that mouth?

You've gone mental.

I'm getting out of here, Damien.

Fine, then. Go. I'm gone.

Go, then. I am.

Go. I'm gone.

Go, then. Well, I am.

Where you been? I waited up for you last night, but you never showed.

Where you going? Chicago.

Benjamin set up the video shoot.

I'll be there for three days.

Oh, well, I guess Benjamin will be there, too.

Well, he's producing it. And what does that mean?

Well, it just means that he's been paying you an awful lot of attention lately.

Well, maybe he thinks I've got some talent.

Maybe he's poking you.

What?

You think that's the way I get a gig?

Well, first he screws me, then he screws you, it's Dutch door action.

Could you be any more insulting?

Yeah.

I think you'd better leave.

Fine. I'm out of here.

Oh, man.

What the hell's going on?

I lost my show, I lost my best friend, I lost my girl.

I'm being shit on, that's all, shit on.

And do you know what really pisses me off?

Where are you going? Where are you going?

Okay, okay. Come on back. Come on back.

Things aren't as bad as they seem.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to dump on you.

I'll figure something out.

Okay?

Hey, Mr. Donuthead Man, who's trying to kill you?

I don't know, but they better not.

You know, if you stab a man in the dead of winter, steam will rise up from the wounds. Oh, yeah.

That's not good! I'm not happy!

Oh, no!

Indians believed it was his soul escaping from his body.

Right, Glen.

Hi.

Hi.

I'm sorry about what I did.

Buds?

Buds.

Officer Koharski.

Damn shame how they screwed up your show.

It was a nice little program.

Not that I ever watched it.

Here you go.

So, how you doing?

Okay, I suppose.

Just wish I had Cassandra back.

She's in Chicago shooting a video with Benjamin.

So...

What are you going to do?

I don't know.

I do have one plan.

What are you gonna do with these guys?

Oh, nothing, really.

I just always wanted to open a door to a room where people are being trained, like in James Bond movies.

Wicked. Yeah.

I think you should just go get Cassandra.

I just don't think she wants me to.

Let me tell you a little something I've learned about women.

They want you to come get them.

They love it.

I just wish there was something that I could offer her that Benjamin couldn't.

You'll think of something.

Wait a minute.

No.

Wait a minute.

No.

Wait a minute!

I know, the guy in the limo, Mr. Big, the guy who owns Sharp Records.

If there's only a way that we could get him to listen to Cassandra play.

Hold it, hold it.

You remember the security guard at the concert?

He said Mr. Sharp was driving back through Chicago on Friday!

That's right. Wow.

Aren't we lucky we were there to get all that information?

It seemed extraneous at the time.

Okay, first I'll access the secret military spy satellite that's in a geosynchronous orbit over the Midwest.

Then I'll ID the limo by the vanity plate "Mr. Biggg" and get its approximate position. Yes.

Then I'll reposition the transmitter dish in the remote truck to 17.32 degrees East, hit Westar IV over the Atlantic, bounce the signal down into the Azores, up to comtech six, beam it back to Satcom III, transponder number 137, and down to the dish on the back of Mr. Big's limo.

It's almost too easy.

We can only pray he's watching television in his limo at that exact moment.

We'll need help.

We'll help. We'll help.

You get Cassandra! We'll do the rest!

To the Mirthmobile!

Yeah!

All right!

Okay, this is a take, everybody.

I think the snake fell asleep!

Playback!

Looking good.

Ain't got no reason for reaction No Ain't got no reason for distraction

I love the way that you love me, baby Love the way that you stare The way that you tease me, baby Touch me, yeah Touch me This snake weighs a ton.

It looks great on you.

I'm coming down now.

I'm telling you, you're hot.


Yes, officer? Is there something wrong?

Have you seen this boy?

You know, you're exactly right.

Why leave the hotel?

We'll have dinner sent up. You can have a hot bath.

I'll make some calls. Cassandra!

Hold this. Cassandra!

We have to talk. I don't wanna talk to you.

Cassandra, I've set up an audition for you and your band.

I'm putting my show back on the air. You've got to be on it.

Wayne, go home.

No. I'm not going anywhere.

Cassandra, I love you.

You may not believe it, but I love you.

Am I supposed to just turn my back and leave?

Am I supposed to be a man?

Am I supposed to say, "That's okay. I don't mind.

"I don't mind!" Well, I mind!

I mind big time!

And you know what the worst part of all is?

I never learned to read.

Is that true?

Yes. Everything except the reading part.

Very nice speech, Wayne. We're very busy.

Oh, of course. Her music video.

Very clever.

But where is her band?

Hi, Wayne. Hi, Wayne.

Oh, hi, guys. I didn't see you there.

Well, I guess you've thought of everything, huh?

Nothing left for me to do but just go home.

Bye-bye, Wayne. It's bedtime.

But both you and I know that there is no film in this camera.

Jimmy!

Wayne!

Go home.

Sometimes people outgrow one another.

It's very sad, but you can't let it drag you down.

Is that you or the snake?

Campbell, wait up!

Cassandra, I know I don't have his looks.

I know I don't have his money.

I know I don't have his connections, his knowledge of fine wines.

I know sometimes, that when I eat, I get this clicking sound in my jaw...

Shut your yap and get in the car.

Excellent.

That's right, girl.

Mr. Big's limousine is right where we want it.

Gentlemen, this is it. Let's go.

Down now!

Wait up, guys. I fell on my keys.

Ow, ow, ow, ow.

Freeze!

Oh, hi, Russell. How's it going?

Hold it right there. Hey, hey!

Hey, watch where you're pointing that thing.

Give me the flashlight, Russell. Give it to me.

You can help us, Russell. No! I'm supposed to stop you.

What are you gonna do?

You gonna be Benjamin's monkey boy the rest of your life, is that it?

Benjamin's my friend. No.

Benjamin is no one's friend.

If Benjamin were an ice cream flavor, he'd be pralines and dick.

It's okay!

He's gonna be okay.

Hi.

Hi. How's it going?

I love you, man.

I know.

No, you don't.

I love you, man.

I know.

Just say, "Thank you."

Hey!

Thank you.

All right.

I understand you're just doing your job, but really, I'm very late.

Would you mind turning around, placing your hands on the hood, son?

There's just one other thing I've got to check.

Wayne's World, Wayne's World Party time, excellent

Okay, this is a special Wayne's World, okay?

It's for an audience of one.

So, Mr. Frankie Sharp of Sharp Records, if you're watching, and if you like what you see, we're at 2234 Pine Way, in Aurora, Illinois.

So, ladies and gentlemen, I give you Cassandra and Crucial Taunt!

Yeah! Right on.

Well, it's been getting so hard Living with the things you do to me

My dreams are getting so strange I'd like to tell you everything I see

I see a man at the back as a matter of fact His eyes are as red as the sun And a girl in the corner let no one ignore her

'Cause she thinks she's the passionate one Oh, yeah It was like lightning Everybody was frightening And the music was soothing And they all started grooving Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah And the man at the back said everyone attack And it turned into a ballroom blitz And the girl in the corner said Boy, I wanna warn you It'll turn into a ballroom blitz Ballroom blitz

Ballroom blitz

I'm reaching out for something Touching nothing's all I ever do

I softly call you over When you appear there's nothing left of you

Now the man at the back is ready to crack As he raises his hands to the sky And the girl in the corner is everyone's mourner She could kill you with a wink of her eye Oh, yeah It was electric So frightfully hectic And the band started leaping

'Cause they all stopped breathing Yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah And the man at the back said everyone attack And it turned into a ballroom blitz And the girl in the corner said Boy I wanna warn you It'll turn into a ballroom blitz Ballroom blitz

Ballroom blitz


Yeah!

Hi. I'm Frankie Sharp, Sharp Records.

I saw your performance in my limo.

I must say, I've seen a lot of acts in my day, and although you're extremely beautiful, I just think it's the wrong time.

I'm sorry. Bummer, man.

You screwed my career!

I always knew you were small-time.

Wayne, I'm pregnant, that's why I've been so moody.

Whoa!

Look! A fire!

Let's get out of here!

My hair!

My hair!

Why, God?

Why?

Last night was the most incredible night of my life.

You were terrific.

You didn't really think she'd end up with Wayne, did you?

As if.

As if we'd end the movie like that. Yeah!

Let's do the Scooby-Doo ending. Good call.

Hi. Frankie Sharp, Sharp Records.

I just saw your performance in my limo.

Wow, we got through. Well, that wraps it up.

But there's one last thing.

Let's just see who you really are, mister.

Why, it's Old Man Withers, the guy who runs the haunted amusement park!

And I would have got away with it, too, if it hadn't been for you snooping kids!

Good one, Shaggy.

Excellent Scooby-Doo ending.

Yeah, but I think we should do the mega-happy ending.

Oh, the mega-happy ending. That's doable.

Hi. I'm Frankie Sharp, Sharp Records.

I saw your performance in my limo.

I must tell you, it was terrific.

Yeah. All right. In fact, I think it's so good, I'm gonna give you a six-album deal, starting tomorrow.

Yes. See you in my office.

I love you, Wayne. I love you, Cassandra.

I love you, Garth. I love you, dream woman.

You know, ever since I did your show, kids are looking at me in a whole new way.

I love you, man. And I love you, because I've learned that platonic love can exist between two grown men.

And I've learned something, too.

I've learned that a flawless profile, a perfect body, the right clothes and a great car can get you far in America, almost to the top, but it can't get you everything.

Isnít it great that we're all better people?

Fished in! Fished in!

Fished in!

Fished in!


All right, excellent movie. All right. Yeah. Good one.

All right. Well, that's all the time we have for our movie.

We hope you found it entertaining, whimsical and yet relevant, with an underlying revisionist conceit that belied the film's emotional attachments to the subject matter.

I just hope you didn't think it sucked.

Okay. So, thank you for coming. Good night and party on.

Party on, Wayne. Party on, Garth.


You know, I don't think anyone's gonna tell us when to leave.

Yeah, good call, Garth.

I'll bet we're just gonna sit here, and when they're finished, they'll fade to black.

I can't believe they did that.

I told you.