Wayne's World 2 (1993) Script

Extreme close-up!

OK. All right.

All right. Here we are in our new surroundings, the abandoned Acme doll factory in downtown Aurora, Illinois.

An official babe lair. It'll be chick central.

I feel sorry for guys who still live with their parents.

OK. You've probably noticed we're on early tonight.

Usually, at this time on Aurora Cable, you're watching Plant World.

They didn't want our 10:30 time slot.

But we were able to talk Plant World into changing with Cooking World.

Although they didn't want to change.

Fortunately, White Supremacy World was cancelled and the trades worked.

Finally, the reason we're on early is because we're going to a concert tonight in Chicago.

Excellent. Yes.

Did I mention that we'll be seeing Aerosmith?

Until next week, good night and party on.

Party on, Wayne! Party on, Garth.

And we're out.

All right! Let's move, people! All right. Garth!

To the Mirthmobile. The Mirthmobile!

All right.

Hi. I'm Wayne Campbell. Excellent. Welcome to Wayne's World 2.

Let me bring you up to speed. Come on.

There's a lot to tell you, so let's take the scenic route.

A year has passed. I'm a little older and a little wiser.

I'm starting to get hair in really weird places.

I feel like I'm turning into Sasquatch.

I still go out with my girlfriend Cassandra.

She's cutting a record demo right now.

Her career's really taking off. You remember Cassandra, don't you?

What a babe. She'd give a dog a bone.

But you know, even though I live on my own now, everybody's really hassling me to do something with my life.

To become an adult.

I feel like I'm in a John Hughes "rites de passage" movie.

But what I'd really like to do is something extraordinary.

Something big, something mega, copious, capacious, cajunga.

But I'll probably end up working at Great America, mopping up hurl and lung butter.

You remember my best friend Garth Algar, right?

I almost forgot. This year, Garth finally got pubes.

You didn't tell them about my pubes, did you?

No. Of course not.

You are listening to WPIG, the Pig.

All rock, all the time. WPIG Aurora.

Handsome Dan coming at you on the short side of nine bells at WPIG, America's rock authority. What do you say we check in with Mr Scream?

God, Handsome Dan is so cool. He must get a million chicks.

I bet he's totally studly and buffed.

With that voice, he's gotta be a babe magnet.

Welcome to Mikita's. How may I serve you?

I'd like... rullers... ugar... ucks and a Mikita... cup.

And then a large... with... eam.

And could I please have... elly doughnut and...

...raspberry and a... nge drink? What?

I'm sorry. And... eaker... oken. Let me recap the order.

A cruller, two sugar pucks, a large coffee with cream, a raspberry jelly doughnut, orange drink, a box of five-holes.

Yeah. Thank you. Drive around, please.

I'm so psyched. Aerosmith's gonna kick ass!

But where are we supposed to meet Cassandra?

Backstage laminates.

Encore! Encore!


Let's go!

Garth! Somebody just grabbed my butt!

All right! I feel weird.

It's like a thousand fingers urging you to let go.

I'm having fun. Excellent!

You guys wail! You guys rule, man! Lunch is here!

Dude looks like a lady... So do you!

All right! Coming by!

Excuse me! Where is the backstage area?

Excuse us. Excuse me.

They're cool.

There she is. Cassandra! Campbell!

Campbell! There she is.

Sorry we couldn't sit together. No troubles. Great concert!

I want you to meet somebody. This is Bobby Cahn of Sharp Records.

Excellent Good to see you.

Bobby's my record producer. We must drop by the studio.

I don't have to tell you how extremely talented Cassandra is.

You've heard, you've seen, you know.

Scott. I want you to meet someone. Cassandra, this is Scott.

Hi. And Dwayne.

Actually, Wayne. Right.

Bobby says you're very talented. I was saying the same thing.

I want to ask you something.

Don't you hate schmoozing? Yes. I just despise it.

Stand back, please!

We're not worthy! We're not worthy!

You're worthy. Get up. You guys were excellent tonight.

Thanks a lot. We'll see you inside. We're planning on it.

Excellent.

Gotcha. Great. Hold on.

Excuse me.

Jeez. Wayne, look. Garth, it's Heather Locklear.

And she's signalling to us! There is a God.

Heather be thy name.

Bobby! Heather!

Are you coming? Yeah, we're...

This is Cassandra. Hello.

We're supposed to be in there.

No, you're not. My girlfriend's in there.

A lot of people's girlfriends are in there.

Denied.


Hi! Where are you from? I'm from Wilmette.

I'm from Cicero. Isn't it cool to be downtown?

Are you those guys with that TV show in Aurora?

Wayne's World? Wayne's World!

No! You guys sure look like 'em.

If Wayne says we're not, we're not, OK?

How long does it take to get here from Aurora?

It takes me 40 minutes door to door.

My ma gave me a dollar and dropped me off at the park-and-ride.

Dogs. Dogs.

...and Marilyn. Marilyn.

I saw the creature. I saw the creature...


Who are you? I'm Jim Morrison.

Cool. Who's he? A weird naked Indian.

Cool.

Why have you brought me here?

To help you find some answers, Wayne.

Answers to what? Ask me a question.

Two trains travelling at 60mph, one from Chicago, one from Los Angeles...

No. Ask me a question about your life.

What am I supposed to do with my life?

You should put on a concert in Aurora, Wayne.

How will I get the bands to come? If you book them, they will come.

But I don't know how to put on a concert.

You must go to England and find a man named Del Preston, the greatest roadie that ever lived.

He was with us in the good times and the bad.

He'll help you. Any more questions?

Will Garth ever get his Sports Illustrated football phone?

It was sent to the wrong house.

It will arrive tomorrow with the swimsuit issue and the video, The Stanley Cup - 100 Years of Glory.

How do I get back?

Follow the weird naked Indian. Cool.

Wake up, Wayne!

Garth! I just had the most vivid and powerful dream of my life.

Last night, Jim Morrison spoke to me.

He told me that the purpose of my life was to put on a concert.

Guess what finally came in the mail?

I guess they sent it to the wrong house.

My Sports Illustrated football phone...

Oh, my God! Cool.

My Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue...

Oh, my God.

...and the History of the Stanley Cup - 100 Years of Glory.

Garth, it's a sign!

We will put on a concert. Oh, yes. We will put on a concert.

This must be the place.

Maybe we should've called Cassandra before we dropped by.

Garth, it's us. No one'll hassle us. Cassandra needs the encouragement.

Excuse me, what are you guys doing here in the street?

I'm stacking these chickens in the crates.

Jim makes sure we have plenty of watermelons.

You're selling watermelons.

No, we just make sure there's plenty stacked. Just like the chickens.

What do they do?

They walk back and forth with this plate-glass window.

That's weird.

You got to wonder if this is gonna pay off later on.

Cool. It's OK.

Maybe we ought to overdub a track with Bobby. He can wail.

Give them a few minutes. They're working on it.

The label figures you got three singles on this one.

They want you to come to the coast. Excellent.

Not bad for a little girl from Hong Kong.

What brings you here, Wayne? I had to tell Cassandra something.

Yeah? Yeah.

Last night I had a dream. We're gonna put on a concert in Aurora.

That's a great idea. Yeah. It's a festival.

A festival? A festival. You heard the man.

Charming. What's it called? What's it called? It's called...

It's called...

It's called Waynestock. Waynestock.

Who's going to be there?

Aerosmith and Pearl Jam. Who else?

Me and Wayne.

And... And...

Van Halen. Van Halen. Who else?

Yeah. Who else?

An old man fashioning a kayak out of a log?

What? No! Rip Taylor!

Rip Taylor's gonna be there.

Rip Taylor? He's a God in my country. He gets mobbed in the street.

Great, cos he's gonna be there. I thought maybe you could play, too.

I would be honoured. I wouldn't commit just yet.

You got some real gigs coming up. Real gigs!

Real gigs?

Lx-nay on the condescension-ay there, Chet.

Bobby, can I ask you a question? What is it, Garth?

A sphincter says what?

I said, a sphincter says what?

You want me to say "what", like I don't get it. Is that it?

Is that it?

Oh, dear. Last guy didn't get. You big. You big.

We small... We better go.

Where are you going? England!

I can't believe Paramount is paying to fly us to England.

I thought they'd use doubles.

Here we are at Piccadilly Circus. What a shitty circus.

Good call. There's no animals or clowns.

What a rip-off. Let's go to Buckingham Palace.

Does Princess Di still live here? She is such a babe.

Did Jim Morrison give you Del Preston's exact address?

He said exactly London, England. OK.

I don't know about this, Wayne.

Del? Hello?

Are you Del Preston? I might be. Who are you?

My name's Wayne Campbell. I'm Garth Algar.

That's terribly fascinating, mate, but you woke me up.

How can you sleep like that?

Listen, Sonny Jim, sleeping like this will add 10 years to your life.

I learned it from Keith Richards when I toured with the Stones.

That may be why Keith cannot be killed by conventional weapons.

How can I be of assistance?

You're gonna think I'm nuts, but someone visited me in a dream and told me that Del Preston would help me put on a concert in Aurora, Illinois.

A concert?

I'm afraid you've been misinformed. I don't do that any more.

I'm just an old geezer. What do I know about music today?

When I was working, it was all bands like Eric Clapton and the Rolling Stones.

It's not like the Grateful Dead are still touring, is it?

Actually... Garth.

Look at this scrapbook.

That's you with Led Zeppelin. Yeah.

My old lady put that together.

We must've toured every concert hall and venue in America, me, my old lady and the road.

Is that you and Bob Dylan? Yeah.

Who's the old lady? That's my old lady.

It was fun, but those days are gone forever.

But we came from America just to talk to you.

I'm sorry. I don't do concerts any more.

Come on. Let's go.

Well, I still think you led a really cool life.

It was nice meeting you. I guess Jim was wrong.

Hang about.

Was it Jim Morrison?

Yes! Did he have a naked Indian?

Yes! I have to ask you...

Didn't you think it was a trifle unnecessary to see the crack in the Indian's bottom?

Yes! Absolutely! I had the same dream.

Del, you'll really love Aurora. Who's Aurora, anyway?

Frank, this is Bobby. Did you get the tape?

What'd you think? Definitely. She sounds great.

Yeah, the band is terrible. It's a garage band.

They can't, I'm sure.

I'm working with them. I'm still in this studio in Aurora.

What the hell you doing there?

She wants to stay here. Why?

Same reason they all want to stay, she's got a boyfriend.

Don't worry. I'll get rid of the boyfriend and the band.

I'd like to finish the album in LA.

All right, Bobby. Let's just get it done, OK?

And there I am in Sri Lanka, formerly Ceylon, at 3am, looking for 1,000 brown M&Ms to fill a brandy glass, or Ozzy wouldn't go on stage that night.

Jeff Beck pops his head round the door and mentions there's a little sweet shop on the edge of town.

We go, and it's closed.

There's me and Keith Moon and David Crosby breaking into this little sweet shop, right?

Instead of a guard dog, they've got this bloody great big Bengal tiger.

I managed to take out the tiger with a can of mace, but the shop owner and his son, that's a different story altogether.

I had to beat them to death with their own shoes.

Nasty business, really, but sure enough, I got the M&Ms, and Ozzy went on stage and did a great show.

That was excellent.

To put on a really great rock show, like Knebworth in England or Woodstock, there is only one place you can do it, and that's here, at Adlai Stevenson Memorial Park, in the playing fields.

We better go check it out.

I hear you're putting on some kind of concert.

That's good. People need to be entertained, need the distraction.

I wish somebody'd do something to block out the voices in my head, the voices that scream over and over, "Why do they come to me to die? Why do they come to me to die?"

What do we do now? Here. Let me look at it.

Get the flashlight.

OK. There's the main gate, and here we are.

No, we're over here. I don't think so.

We turned left at the gate, so that would put us...

Garth! Wait a minute.

I know where we are. I'm pretty good with maps.

Listen. What?

Turn it off! I can't turn it off!

I can't turn it off!

Waynestock? You'd purposely invite rock 'n' roll into our community?

What's wrong with a little entertainment?

Entertainment is fine, but this...

We have lots of big acts that come through here.

Ice Capades, Tiny Toons, Kenny G... Kenny G?

We don't even get to apply for a permit?

We would love to put on a rock concert... not!

Betty Jo, could we have the permits for a festival, please?

Thank you. You must fill out the necessary permit applications.

Permit applications.

Here you go. Thank you, Betty Jo.

Hey, you're the guy that's on that Wayne World show.

Betty Jo? Yeah?

Thank you.

All right. Naturally, you'll need the application for authorisation, approval from the guilds and unions, you'll need some release forms, the decibel level... What? Is something wrong?

What do you mean? It's my eye, isn't it?

Why would we want to look at your eye?

Is there something wrong with that weird eye?

There's nothing wrong with my eye. This one just has no pigment.

I'm what you call a partial ocular albino, but I'm fine with it.

I have perfect 20-20 vision with both eyes.

You're serious about putting on a rock concert?

Are you kidding? I'd give my right eye.

You realise there are certain jurisdictions you'll need to follow.

I'd like to think I have an eye for details.

I'm assuming you have the $5,000 occupancy permit, or you wouldn't even be here.

Exsqueeze me? Baking powder? $5,000 occupancy permit?

Yes, we have that, actually. Piece of cake.

Fine. Then all applications must be filled out in triplicate and returned at least 10 working days before the event, with the money.

We'll run through these with a fine-toothed comb, cross the Ts and dot the...

...lower-case Js.

I keep falling over. Oh, no. I'm falling over a lot.

Damn these high heels.

Why do you go out with me? I love being with you.

Most guys are jerks. You're a good person.

Wait. Let me show you what I got at a garage sale.

Isn't that great? Heard of it? Exsqueeze me?

Have I ever seen this before? Everybody has Frampton Comes Alive.

If you lived in the suburbs, you were issued it.

It came in the mail with Tide samples.

Look at this old one. Gerry and the Pacemakers.

That is old. I bet those guys actually have pacemakers by now.

Can you believe they don't make vinyl any more? It's weird, isn't it?

That is weird.

Bobby said my album won't be on vinyl.

Bobby says... Are you and Bobby having an affair?

No, of course not. Where did you hear that?

You know how these things start... one guy tells another guy something, then he tells two friends, and they tell two friends, and they tell their friends, and so on, and so on...

You know how it goes. Honestly, I'm not having an affair.

I'm nice to him because he's my producer.

If this deal falls through, I lose my visa and I go back to Hong Kong.

You have nothing to worry about.

My dad's coming to visit. I'd love you to meet him.

Treat. I'm sure he'll just love me.

Yeah. If you're anything like my old boyfriend.

I'm nothing like him. Then we're screwed.

I haven't seen Garth in a while. What's he up to?

Garth's doing his laundry.

Too bad he doesn't have a girlfriend to do his laundry.

Yeah. Thanks for doing my laundry.

How do you get my clothes so white and fresh-smelling?

It's an old Cantonese method few people know about.

Wait a minute. Calgon? Ancient Chinese secret?


Hello. Hi.

I don't recall ever seeing you in here.

Maybe it's because it's my first time in here.

That's right. My mom used to do all my laundry, but I do now.

I'm what you call "sans parents".

I can go to a movie on a school night, like that.

Welcome to the neighbourhood.

Would you like some red rope liquorice?

Sure.

What's your name? Garth Algar. What's yours?

I'm Honey... Horne. Nice to meet you, Miss Horny.

That's Hornée. It's French.

OK, Miss Hornée.

Garth, would you like to have dinner some night?

I like to have dinner every night.

No, I mean us. You and me. Would you like to have dinner?

A date?

Finally. It took, like, two hours.

I like 'em teeny and toasty. So long.

Bye. Bye.

Maybe we'll see each other around. Yeah. See you around.

You forgot these.

Good night, Cassandra. Good work.

Thanks. See you tomorrow. Good night.

I have got to get you to LA. You are buried here.

I like it here. All my friends are here.

What time is it? 10:35.

Damn. I missed the start of Wayne's show.

OK. We're in a doll factory, right?

It reminds me of that movie The Leprechaun, with that little guy that goes, "I'm the leprechaun."

Garth, I'm the leprechaun! Cool it, OK?

I'm the leprechaun! Stop it, all right?

Don't try and steal me pot o' gold.

Why do you like these guys? Because they're fun.

If I wanted a guy that was all ambition, I could've stayed in Hong Kong. Those guys are 12 for 10 cents.

You mean a dime a dozen. Maybe where you shop.

I think you underestimate them. They're really sharp.

Stop it, leprechaun man! Garth, chill!

What did those monsters do to you?

I'm not... Sweetie. Sweetie.

Come on, sweetie. Come on. Pixie dust. Pixie dust.

Sweetie, it's me...

The leprechaun! No!

I'm the leprechaun.

Yeah. These guys, really sharp.

I'm scared! Want to leave, but can't.

Want to move. Where you gonna move?

You gonna move to Ireland? No!

Cos I'm the leprechaun...

Wayne, we're here!

Here. Let me get the gate for you.

All righty. Come on in. Nice digs, huh?

Cassandra, you look hot.

Sorry.

I'd like you to meet my father, Mr Wong.

Please meet you acquaintance, Wayne Campbell.

Allow me to speak your native tongue, Mr Wong.

You speak Cantonese very well, but please, call me Jeff.

Very well... Jeff.

Wayne, I will be blunt.

I do not want my daughter involved with a man whose life has no direction.

Father, please. Quiet. Adult speaking.

With all respect, Jeff...

In our culture, women are allowed to make their own decisions.

How dare you speak to me in such an insolent tone.

You have left me no choice but to fight you.

If we are to fight, I think it would be better... if we were dubbed and not in subtitles.

Very well, if that is your custom. Prepare to die.


I know all seven animal styles.

The crane. The stag. The horse. The tiger.

The bat. The rat. The monkey.

The beetle. I will take you, old man.


Your tongue is quick. But your sword?

Oh, no. Wayne!


Hello? Can we talk later? This is not a good time.

Just a moment. I've got call-waiting.

Hello. Yes?

Can I call you back? I am on the other line.

Yes, he received a Sports Illustrated football phone.

Wayne, no!

You've impressed me. You're worthy of my daughter.

Excellent!

We got a party tomorrow at Komrades.

It's kind of a fundraiser for Waynestock.

Right. There'll be a $10 cover charge. It'll be a big party.

Because it's at Komrades, we're calling it a Communist party.

I remember one time I was in a place like this.

Sri Lanka. Formerly Ceylon. It was about three in the morning.

I was looking for 1,000 brown M&Ms to fill a brandy glass, or Ozzy wouldn't go on stage that night.

Jeff Beck pops his head round the door and mentions there's a little sweet shop on the edge of town.

Wayne! Garth! Milton! How's it going?

Awesome party! Good tunes, good brew, good buddies.

I feel great, man. I feel great!

I don't know, man. I hate my father. I hate my life.

But I feel great. You guys are great.

I'm gonna go pick a fight.

He's gotten a lot better, don't you think?

Way better. Yeah.

Thank you. We'll be back in a bit.

How's it going? Hi.

It's looking good, Campbell.

I'll be at the bar. Good.

I'm so glad you made it. You look amazing!

I see. Wait. I have great news.

Bobby's taking me to LA to do the final mix on my album.

Isn't that terrific? That's great. I'm ecstatic.

I'm beside myself with joy. Hooray for Hollywood.

Living on your own has its perks.

Your mom doesn't tell you to turn down the stereo.

That's a real drag.

Because moms genetically hate music played at the appropriate level.

And my dad, forget it.

He'd ruin a Led Zeppelin reunion concert.

He hates music at the correct level.

But the shopkeeper and his son was a different story altogether.

I had to beat them to death with their own shoes.

What's the deal with Bobby? Wayne?

It's getting a little out of hand. I think you better say something.

Good call. Everybody, I'd like to say something!

Excuse me. Everybody, can I get your attention?

I'd like to say something. Keep it down.

We're really glad you could all make it.

We never knew we had so many friends who believed in this concert idea.

When we first had this idea of putting on this shindig, we didn't know if anyone would come.

But look... You're all here, pitching in.

I promised myself I wouldn't cry.

Party on!


Garth, I'm starting to get a bad feeling, man.

I think something's going on.

Hello. Yes? Is this Aerosmith's tour manager?

It is? Hello. My name is Wayne Campbell.

You don't know me. I'm not mental or anything, I'm putting on a concert in Aurora, Illinois. Yes, I can hold.

Del, look. For years I thought this was a Mercedes emblem.

Woodstock? That was quite a show, man.

You were at Woodstock? Excellent. What was it like?

It rained all morning and then it cleared up in the afternoon.

That's it. I almost remembered something else, but it's gone.

You can't remember what it was? Still holding. I want...

Wayne, look what I made. Good work, my friend.

You guys got the permit applications?

Got the money?

Good for you. Most people just take them and never come back.


Position 1 to Position 2. Do you copy?

This is Position 2 in position. Position 3, what's your position?

Position 3. I read you.

Position 4, do you copy? Over. 4 copies. Back to Position 1. Over.

I've to go to LA for a couple of days.

If you need anything... I'm at this number.

Position 1 to Position 2. Did you see that?

This is Position 2 in position! Sorry, man. I didn't see anything.

What is it?

Abort! We have been identified!

Abandon positions!

Wayne, let's run away!


Garth, it's locked! In here!


Come on! Let's go!


Do it, Miss Thing! Do it! Do it!


Get it, girl! Get it, girl!


What's the matter? You look like you want to say something to me.

I think we should break up. What? Why?

Because there comes a time when people should go their separate ways.

I mean, I've got Waynestock, you've got your career and your producer, and I just think it's time that we should see other people.

I don't want to see other people.

What about Bobby? What about him?

Come on! Do you think I'm a gullibull or even a gullicalf?

I've no idea what you're talking about.

Right! Come on, now! What about these?

Where did these come from? I did a little detective work.

You did spy on me. Yes, I did.

Easy.

I think she took that well.

Let's go.

Ladies and gentlemen!

Your roadie training begins today. It will not be easy.

You will get tired. You will get blisters.

You will get aches and pains. But you will also get good.

Are you ready? Yes, sir!

Roadies present and accounted for, sir!

Let's begin.

Eye on the task! Come on. Let's go!

Jesus! He's crazy!

They're getting better, Del. Look.

Get that microphone!

You're worthless! You're less than nothing!

What's keeping you here? You don't belong here!

Why don't you just quit? Cos I got no place else to go!

Thanks for coming in with me. I'm always afraid to come in by myself.

Come. Come on.

Come on. Sit down.

And I'll fix us a little drink, OK?


There you are. An old-fashioned.

This Coke's gone bad.

I just love a man with a sense of humour.

You know what I wish? What?

I wish I could climb inside that big brain of yours and just walk around.

Really?

You know what I love? What?

I love the way those big, thick glasses magnify your pupils.

Look at me.

I'll bet you like to be in control. Tell me.

When I was 17, my little sister tried to borrow my Def Leppard record.

I said, "No way." That's just what I'm talking about.

Oh, my God. You're so limber. Don't you just love music?

Do you have any Megadeth?

Come with me. I'm blind.

I'm dancing.

You're real squiggly.

Did you hurt yourself? Yeah.

Let me see. Oh. There. That's it. Yeah.

Feel naughty. Feel naughty. I thought I saw a puddy cat.

Boldly go where no man has gone before.

There's got to be a way to find... Take me, Garth.

Where? I'm low on gas and you need a jacket.

I'm gonna be frank. OK. Can I still be Garth?

Shut up and kiss me.


Can I have some cocoa later?

Good morning, darling. I trust you slept well.

I hope I wasn't too much of an animal.

Come. Hold me. You know I will.

Party on.

He's bobbing. He's weaving. He winds up!

Outside!

Are you all right? Women.

I feel like I'm in the delete bin of life, next to Mahogany Rush.

I'm sorry. Relationships aren't for the timid.

And I should know.

For I'm no longer a stranger in the ways of the woman.

All right, man, all right. Good work, my friend.

On that note, game on. Game on!

All right!

He's wheeling. He's dealing. He shoots! He scores!

OK. Ladies and gentlemen, it takes two people to run a concert.

One backstage and one out front. Two.

One man alone cannot do this.

Wayne, you will run the backstage team.

Milton, you are the liaison between Wayne's backstage team and Garth's frontstage team, which includes myself in the booth.

To the left and the right of the stage are the machine gun nests, belt-fed M-60 Brownings.

These babies tend to heat up, so shoot in three-second bursts.

In the event of capture, I will personally distribute cyanide capsules, to be placed under the tongue like so. Any questions?

Yeah. I have a question. When did you turn into a nut bar?

Thank you, Mr Scream.

In a minute I'll be joined by Wayne and Garth, giving us the low-down on the Waynestock concert.

Hi. We're here to see Handsome Dan. I'm Wayne Campbell.

Ja. I know. We've been expecting you, Wayne Campbell. I am Bjergen Kjergen.

I love your accent. Where are you from?

I am from Sweden. Really? Whereabouts in Sweden?

Knuergen, near the Bjoergen Fjords.

Nice to meet you, Bjergen Kjergen from Knuergen near the Bjoergen Fjords.

Knuergen.

That's the Kluergen province, near the Bibeurgen River.

Ja. Now correct me if I'm wrong.

Your rainfall varies from 40 inches in the winter to 200 in summer.

And your chief export is modular furniture.

I did a project on Sweden in the eighth grade.

I am impressed with your quest for knowledge.

Educated men are rare. I was up all night working on it.

Then the next day in gym class, I was on the minitramp, and I got diarrhoea.

I really wish I hadn't told you that.

I am sorry to hear of your illness, but since you've sacrificed your health for knowledge of my country, I find you very attractive.

I hope to make love to you in the near future.

OK. All right. OK. All right.

Dick Van Dyke Show.

Good work, my friend. Yeah.

Are you wearing Brut? Yes.

My woman likes me in cologne.

Wayne, Garth, let me get my headset off. I'll be right out.

Hi, Handsome Dan. It's great to meet you.

I'm not Handsome Dan.

Hi... Handsome Dan.

Back with you on WPIG, maximum grunt.

Our special guests, Wayne Campbell, Garth Algar.

Wayne's World, all right.

Waynestock. Big event. Everybody's excited.

It's gonna be a big concert at Adlai Stevenson Park.

It's gonna be a big party.

We got some great bands coming. Like Aerosmith.

There's still tickets left. Don't wait till the last minute.

Cos it's a chance for the city of Aurora...

To do something...

Fun.

And to put the city on the map. It's a lot of work.

Work is hard. You're not listening, are you?

I could say anything, like "you're a complete tool".

You wouldn't hear, cos you're a freak with a microphone.

It's not challenging any more. It's like shooting fish in a barrel.

True, sphincter boy? What? Oh.

They're getting closer.

Good information about Waynestock. We'll be back after PIG sports.

It's 16 minutes past the big hour. Right, Mr Scream?

Great. Good stuff. I think people are getting cranked.

Hi. Bobby, it's Wayne Campbell. Wayne. How'd you get this number?

It was written on the back of a business card.

I'm looking for Cassandra. I have to talk to her. It's really important.

No, I haven't seen her.

She said she might come to LA. She wasn't definite.

If I hear anything, I'll let you know.

I have to go. I'm with someone. I'm sorry I couldn't help.

OK. Thanks. Bye.

Important call? Some small-time promoter.

Let's get some lunch.


What you're saying is that Peter Lawford warned Kennedy not to mess with the military-industrial complex.

Yeah. Dig this, man... J Edgar Hoover was one bad cat.

I mean, he had a completely different bag from Jack.

He just couldn't groove. When two cats can't groove to the same tune, one of them has to visit the man upstairs.

That's amazing, man. Excuse me.

Wayne, I want you to meet a friend of mine, Sammy Davis Jr.

Nice to meet you, Mr Jr. Nice to meet you, too, man.

I gotta split. I got some cats I gotta hang with.

Bye, Sammy. He's a good man.

And now, Wayne, what can I do you for?

Listen, Jim, I'm really confused, OK?

We haven't sold any tickets, we have no bands, Garth is distracted by chicks, I broke up with my girlfriend, and on top of all that, Del's gone completely mental.

To complete your journey, you have to help some people along the way.

This next little bit, you'll have to go it alone.

Keep the faith, my friend.

If you book them, they will come. Hey, Sammy, wait up.

Jim, what if nobody shows up?

Sand. Cool.

Right. Right, Moe. I understand.

Nervous? A little.

I've never been on The Tonight Show before.

Nothing to worry about. After the show, I...

I have to fly to Aurora. I'm doing Waynestock.

Waynestock? What's this Waynestock thing?

Nothing. Something she has to do. Hold on a second, Moe.

Listen, Bobby's put together some great musicians.

You're making a great album. Together, it can't miss.

You're in good hands. He's the best.

You listen to Bobby and you'll be a big star.

A big star. Moe? Yeah.

We're almost out of time, but I'd just like to point out there are still plenty of excellent Waynestock tickets still available.

Actually, there are about 10,000 excellent Waynestock tickets still available.

And I'd also like to address a rumour.

There's this rumour that none of the bands have signed and probably no one's gonna show up.

It's true that none of the bands have signed.

Jim Morrison and his weird naked Indian friend visited me in the night and assured me that all the bands will come.

That's all the time we have this week, so until then...

Party on, Garth. Party on, Wayne.

And we're clear. All right!

I don't know if you should mention that Jim Morrison thing any more.

Yeah. It's just that people have started to talk.

They're saying things like, "Hey, there goes Garth and his friend Wayne...

"...the psychopath."

It's embarrassing. No offence or nothing.

No. None taken.

I believe this knife is yours.

It's just that things have started to look a little bleak.

Bleak? What? Hey, no guff, Chet.

Until you pointed that out, it hadn't occurred to me.

Where you going? Mikita's.

The usual. Are you coming? No. You guys go and have fun.

I'd probably end up embarrassing you anyways.

No, no. I'm just gonna to stay here and lick the cat's butt.

Just 15-20 minutes three times a week can really make a difference...

And all the other products? Joe, you know the price. 29.95.

And that song is from your album.

Oh, man. She looks great.

It should be out next month, or we hope it will be.

Who's we? Who are you looking at? Let's see the guy.

That's Bobby Cahn, my producer. That fine-looking man?

I'm in the wrong business. I should be a record producer.

Then I'd have attractive women smiling at me.

She will be mine again. Oh, yes. She will be mine again.

You were terrific. They loved you. You think so?

Listen to them. They loved you. Me, too.

I didn't think I could do it without my band.

Your guys were so hot. Damn, I had fun.

Good. Let's celebrate. OK.

Did you think about what I said? Yeah. I'm still thinking about it.

Give me a week? OK.

W-what's the matter? Is anything wrong?

Garth, I'm so scared.

What? Has someone hurt you? I'll take care of it.

I'm a grown-up now, you know.

It's... it's my husband. Your what?

Darling. I meant to tell you, but my divorce isn't final, and he came over here yesterday, and he was crazy, like an animal.

I wish someone would kill him. You mean, kill your husband?

No! Don't say it. You mustn't even think it.

I mean, I know you love me, but I won't let you kill my husband.

Although I know you want to. We both know you want to.

Then you could have me any time you want. And I do mean any time.

Get me my cigarettes, would you, lover? They're in my purse.

I'm just so...

That's a pretty big gun.

Darling, all this talk about killing and.45 magnums with the clip filed down and the safety off.

It's just all so confusing...

I won't. I won't. I won't...

I won't let you. He is a dead man.

No way.

You know what? I got myself into this, I'll get myself out of it.

I'll take it on the chin and be a man.

Keep the faith. If you book them, they will come.

OK. All right, man. You got to stop doing that, all right? Oh, man.

Hello, is anybody here? Hello. Oh, my God! Rip Taylor!

You must be Wayne Campbell. How are you?

Very good. This must be Waynestock.

Yes, it is.

It's rustic and bucolic, but cute. Thanks.

How are you, pal? Better get ready for the show. Get dressed.

You can see him? Of course I can.

How are you gonna miss a half-naked Indian?

Rip Taylor, Garth Algar. Rip, you showed up. Cool.

My people got a call from you. Thank you.

Before I could say no, this guy came to me in a dream.

I said, "Who are you?" He said, "Jim Morrison. I'm a dead rock star."

I said, "I'm not familiar with your work." So he played The Doors.

I said, "You're like a crooner in the rock milieu, which I like."

Why is our order taking so long? He said, "You gotta do Waynestock."

I figured, what the hey?

Hey, what's going on? Don't you know?

No. We're here for Waynestock.

Same here, dude. Really looking forward to it, too.

Where did these people come from?

We got to get back to the playing fields.

Have you seen Cassandra? I know. It's weird.

I don't know where she is, either.

I know. I mean, she said she'd play, and she never misses a gig.

If you see her, send her over to Waynestock.

Thanks a lot, Chief. All right, bye-bye.

Wayne! Wayne! Here's what's happening so far.

People have started to show up, but none of the bands are here.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to hurl.

Garth, ix-nay on the url-hay. Think! Where could Cassandra be?

I think I had too much Jolt cola.

Jeff, Wayne.

I cannot find your daughter and I'm troubled.

My friend. I've chosen another for my daughter.

You are an excellent warrior, but I require more in a son-in-law.

He has money.

Name the one you have chosen! He will die by my hand.

He goes by the name of Bobby.

He has offered security, a career and a green card.

I arranged the match myself.

Though I am sure this will be useless to you so late in the film, they'll be married at the First Presbyterian Church.

Sorry I could not invite you to the wedding.

It's OK. She's marrying Bobby.

What are you doing?

I'm out! I have to go find Cassandra and tell her how I feel.

But I can't do the concert alone. It takes two.

You're right. I'm in. But I love her! I'm freaking out!

What am I gonna do?

Go get Cassandra. Del and I will run the concert.

Just get Cassandra and be back before we start. Go, now!

Now move it, people! Go! Go! Go!

Hi! I'm kind of busy now.

I just wanted to know if you needed anything from the permit office.

That's a Unix book.

Yeah. Cool.

All right, men. Our work here is done.

Excellent.


Where's the First Presbyterian Church on Gordon Street?

Gordon Street! Oh, yeah.

I once knew a girl who lived on Gordon Street... but that was a long time ago, when I was young.

Do we have to put up with this? I mean, can't we get a better actor?

I know it's a small part, but we can do better than this.

Gordon Street? Oh, yes, Gordon Street.

I once knew a girl who lived on Gordon Street.

Long time ago, when I was a young man.

Not a day passes that I don't think of her, and the promise I made, which I will always keep, that one perfect day on Gordon Street.

That's, five blocks up, two over.

Thank you.


Welcome to Aurora! Eat me!

Not just a place, but a state of mind.


Oh, Jesus. God, no.

Hi. Sorry!

Sorry, everybody! Wrong wedding!

Who's he?


Oh, Jesus. God, no.

What an asshole!

Son of a bitch!

Son of a bitch! Son of a bitch!

You punk. You crazy punk.


Stevenson Park! Step on it!

One, one, two, two, two. Check two! Check two!

OK. We have some word that there is some bad red rope liquorice circulating in the crowd.

Repeat - stay away from the red rope liquorice.

Do not bite any off and chew it. It could cause a dental emergency.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Guys, huh? Wayne, Cassandra, you made it!

This is great!

What'll we do? The bands haven't showed.

Jim Morrison said, "If you book them, they will come."

It doesn't look too good.

Jim? Jim!

We really are in the desert. Sh'yeah, no guff.

Jim Morrison. Told you so, man.

How can I help you? None of the bands have shown up.

I know, and they're not gonna show up.

Then why were we supposed to put on a concert?

Because you had to try and do something with your life.

But it was a failure.

Whether you won or lost, what's important is that you gave it your best shot.

Sorry, man.

OK. All right.

You'll think of something. It's your movie.

Thanks a pantload, Chet.

Wayne, where are we? How do we get back?


We don't want to end the movie this way, do we?

Good call. If we're gonna go down, let's at least go down in glory.

Let's do the Thelma and Louise ending. Yeah!

Let's just keep going, Wayne. OK, Garth.

We don't want to end the movie like this.

Yeah. Let's do the happy ending.

The bands haven't shown up. What'll we do?

What are we going to do, you guys?

You made it. Excellent! Welcome to Waynestock.

All right.


Jim, why was I supposed to put on this concert?

Because you had to learn that it doesn't matter what you do, Cassandra loves you for who you are.

And that being an adult means facing responsibility, yet still taking the time to have fun.

Right. It's sort of like coming home on Friday night and doing your homework right away, so your Saturday night is free to just party.

No, I like the way I said it better.

Excuse me.

Would you open the gate, please? I have to get in there.

You can't come in. My girlfriend's in there.

A lot of people's girlfriends are in there.


Don't cry. Yeah, we're gonna clean it up. OK?

See? See?