Wedding Crashers (2005) Script

MAN: I don't have custody of the kids I don't get custody.

WOMAN: It is pathetic what I've had to go through MAN: Right now, she doesn't know where the kids are.

WOMAN: Do not talk about me as a mother MAN: Are they home?

WOMAN: I'm so sick to death of you talking about me as a mother.

MAN: They're probably at a firehouse somewhere WOMAN: Do not talk about that.

I'm sick of you accusing me of not being a good mother.

MAN: Are they home? WOMAN: I've been a good mother!

MAN: A perfect mother? I can't have custody.

WOMAN: Just remember how you-- MAN: Right now.

Where is Tim right now?

WOMAN: Don't you talk about me being a mother.

-I hate you! MAN: Hey, I got an idea.

Why don't you just kiss my left nut?

-I told you this was a bad idea. JEREMY: You know what, Ken?

A bad idea would be to let your client walk out of here today...

...and drag this thing out for another year, wasting more time and more money.

The only good idea is to let me and John do our job...

...and mediate this thing right here.

You wanna hear the crazy thing?

I know it doesn't feel like it, but we're making progress.

JEREMY: Mm-hm. -We settled the deal with the cars.

That takes us to frequent-flyer miles. We're flying.

KROEGER: Those are mine. -I want them.

We're gonna split them right down the middle.

How'd that be, Mr. Kroeger?

It would be not good at all. I earned those miles.

Yeah, you earned them flying to Denver to meet your whore.

Oh, Lord.

Well, she's not afraid to express herself sexually.

She is a stripper, for God's sake!

-She is not. -Her name is Chastity.

She is white trash. Same as you.

Hillbilly.

That's it, go comatose for me, baby.

You shut your mouth when you're talking to me.

Hold it. This is getting confusing.

You didn't always hate each other.

There had to be nice moments, during the courtship, maybe?

-Or the wedding? -The wedding had to be fun.

-You have your families. -Your decorations.

Families coming together. That's a nice moment.

-What'd you have to eat? -Crab cakes.

Are you kidding me? How could you not have a good time?

-I love them. They're phenomenal. -And did you have a band?

-Yeah. JOHN: Good or bad?

Who gives a shit? It's a great band, a bad band, it's like pizza, baby.

It's good no matter what. There's music!

You get them playing "Shout" and you hate it.

[SINGING THE ISLEY BROTHERS' "SHOUT"]

JEREMY: It's a good time, know what I mean?

Rubbing up against each other, a couple of kids who like to fuck...

...trying to make it honest. I get it.

Guys, the real enemy here is the institution of marriage.

It's not realistic, it's crazy.

Don't do this for the other person.

-Say yes to yourself and your future. -Say yes.

Have some opportunities for yourself. I'm sure you'd love to be free...

...maybe go out and meet some Latin guy that can dance...

...grind up on you, make you feel dangerous but also safe.

And you? Don't you wanna get inside Chastity...

...without wondering if anyone's gonna find out?

JOHN: Wouldn't that be sweet? JEREMY: Wouldn't that be nice?

And have some Latin guy sweating all over you...

...talking to you in languages you don't understand...

...needing you, wanting you, taking you?

All we're trying to say is...

...put your swords away for a second.

Let's finish this and let's move on.

Get out there and get some strange ass.

Could you give her a glass of water so she can take that?

Hey, John, that's weird. That glass looks half full to me.

Wow, now that you mention it, it is half full.

He can have the miles.

No, sweetie, you take the miles.

Great. Great! Let's sign the paperwork and we are done.

This is just semantics. You guys wanna throw a couple miles at us...

...we'll take a couple. The big thing is that we're all moving on.

Could you two just not talk anymore?

Oh, good, you got it. Is it 1 00 percent goose down?

-Yes. Why do you need this? -Are you sure?

I sleep over at John's house every year for his birthday.

Okay, that's not creepy.

I guess it is a little creepy...

...when a young man who happens to be an only child...

...loses both of his parents in a tragic accident one month before his birthday...

...and then has a best friend make a vow...

...that he will never spend his birthday alone again.

Maybe that would fall under the category of creepy.

Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

-That's okay. -No, you're really sweet.

I've got the perfect girl for you.

Janice, I apologize to you if I don't seem real eager...

...to jump into a forced, awkward intimate situation...

...that people like to call dating. I don't like the feeling.

You're wondering, "Do I have food on my face? Am I eating?

Am I talking too much? Are they talking enough?

Should I play like I'm interested? I'm not that interested.

She might be interested. Do I want to be interested?

Now she's not interested. So now, all of sudden, I'm starting to get interested."

When am I supposed to kiss her? Do I wait for the door?

Then it's awkward. It's like, "Good night." Do you do the ass-out hug?

Where you, like, hug each other like this...

...and the ass sticks out because you're trying not to get too close.

Do you kiss them on the lips? Or don't kiss them at all?

It's very difficult to read the situation.

All the while you're wondering, "Are we gonna get hopped up enough...

...to make some bad decisions?"

And perhaps play a little game called Just the Tip.

Just for a second, just to see how it feels.

Or Ouch, Ouch, You're on My Hair.

Okay.

Okay, can you--? Can you put that so he can't see it? And thank you.

Hey, Janice. Great talk.

[PHONE BEEPS]

-John? -Yeah?

I gotta see you right away, it's important.

What's going on?

We got three really big weeks ahead of us.

-It's wedding season, kid. -You sandbagging son of a bitch.

I got us down for 1 7 of them already.

Okay, how many are cash bars?

Great question, love where your head's at, and two of them actually are.

But I got us covered.

Purple Hearts. We won't have to pay for a drink all night.

Oh, yeah. Perfect.

We are gonna have tons of opportunities to meet gorgeous ladies...

...that are so aroused by marriage, they'll throw their inhibitions to the wind.

Who's gonna be there to catch them?

Grab that net and catch that beautiful butterfly, pal.

What do you like better? Christmas or wedding season?

-Mr. Grey. -Yes, um, the answer would be...

...wedding season?

Bingo. I'm gonna go get my suit. Oh, now, who are we this time?

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Hey, Lou Epstein, I want you to meet a real mensch, Chuck Schwartz.

Oh, stop.

And as we carry on the tradition of thousands of years...

...we honor the eternal bond...

...that stretches through the ages.

I have known this couple for many years.

Deborah I've actually known for her entire life.

I was at her house when her parents brought her home from the hospital...

...and I was there the day she graduated from medical school.

Josh I have known since his bar mitzvah...

...which those of you who were there know it was not a very pretty sight.

But he has pulled himself together nicely...

...and he's grown into a remarkable young man himself.

-Okay. RABBI: He never got the courage...

...to ask her out, until 1 0 years later, Josh was in the emergency room...

...and he saw Deborah again...

-...and he said to himself: [WHISPERING] Hi.

RABBI: "Wait. That's the girl I'm going to marry."

I now pronounce you man and wife.

BOTH: Mazel tov!

Mazel tov, baby! From my family to yours, mazel tov. Beautiful.

[PLAYING "HAVA NAGILA"]

[SINGING "HAVA NAGILA"]

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY AND LAUGHING]

Oh, my yarmulke fell off!

You sly son of a bitch.

[LAUGHING]

[SINGING "HAVA NAGILA"]

Does anyone know what this here is used for?

-Rolling a fatty. -No, not for-- Where'd you learn that?

You want to get a whole combination.

Get the frostings in the middle and the end.

[HUMMING]

That's it, that's it, that's it! Come on!

You both look beautiful up there today, particularly Debbie in that white dress.

Enjoy it. After tomorrow, I don't think you're gonna be able to get away...

...with wearing a white dress.

Here, I'll just pick this off, I'll go grab another piece. That's it.

[CHILDREN GASPING AND OOHING]

In the words of the old country....

[SPEAKS IN HEBREW]

[ALL SPEAK IN HEBREW]

[BAND PLAYING JAZZ MUSIC]

Ooh.

Come here!

I want you to take this note to that blond girl.

Hurry, because I'm gonna time you. Go!

Hi.

Who gave this to you?

[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]

You know, I saw you at the wedding.

-And? -You were crying.

Oh, shit. You weren't supposed to see that. Now you probably think I'm a big pussy.

No, you were so sweet. Come here.

Look, I knew I was never gonna be a professional bullfighter...

-...but that's not why I did it. -Weren't you scared?

Can I say yes?

-Sanjay Collins. -Chuck Vindaloo.

Excited to be here.

-Shamus O'Toole. -Bobby O'Shea.

-I'm ready to get drunk. -Ha, ha.

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]

-Who is that? -Ah, him.

I think that's his kid Leonard. The diabetic.

WOMAN: Who is that?

That's Luigi and Gina's son Christopher. You know, the banker.

Oh, that's Mae Lin's adopted son Benny, the veterinarian.

-The French Foreign Legion? -Yeah.

We lost a lot of good men out there.

Wow, really? Mount Everest?

I just don't like to talk about it because we lost so many good men out there.

Oh.

Lost so many good men out there.

WOMAN: Playing with the Yankees?

Yes, with the Yankees.

You lose good men to trades and unruly fans.

I-- Look, I don't want to talk about it, I'm sorry.

It's just a matter of trying to get it down.

Tattoo on the lower back. Might as well be a bull's-eye.

You know how they say we only use 1 0 percent of our brains?

I think we only use 1 0 percent of our hearts.

I feel so tiny in your arms.

Really? How tall are you?

I'm 6'5", but I feel like I'm 4 feet.

And some poetry, courtesy of Sarah McLachlan.

[THE ISLEY BROTHERS' "SHOUT" PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]

[ALL SINGING]

Beautiful!

The bride!

All right, let's go, let's go, let's make a memory!

What are you gonna do for an encore? Walk on water?

Great guy. He brung me along too.

[LAUGHING]

-Jesus. Come on. You ruined it. JOHN: Come on. Get in there.

You butchered the whole damn cake! You don't treat cake like that.

-You gotta treat cake like a lady. -Look at that.

Oh, I meant in front of all of them.

[CHORTLING]

And then everyone said, "Jabroni!"

[ALL LAUGHING]

Jabroni! This fucking guy, unbelievable!

Pop it in.

Now spread it around on each other.

We need a picture of this. They're crazy!

[SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

Time to party! Time to party!

Come on, get a picture, get a picture, get a picture.


Hot.


[LAUGHING AND MOANING]

Oh, no, no.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Sarah, I feel like I don't even know you.

It's Vivian.

Would you say you're completely full of shit or just 50 percent?

I hope just 50, but who knows?

JEREMY: Bet that blond was a real shot of life.

Yeah, real shot.

You don't think we're being--

I don't wanna say sleazy, because that's not the right word...

...but a little irresponsible? I mean, you know?

No.

One day, you'll look back on all this and laugh...

...say we were young and stupid.

[CHUCKLING]

A couple of dumb kids running around.

We're not that young.

Hell of a season, pal.

JOHN: Hell of a season.

Oh, baba ganoush.

What do we got?

Christmas come early.

JOHN: Secretary Cleary? JEREMY: Secretary of the treasury.

The guy you loved since business school. Don't thank me.

I don't know. I thought the season was over.

I was looking forward to taking a break for a little bit.

John, what are you talking about? This is the Kentucky Derby of weddings.

It's the Clearys. They're an American institution.

Pal, there's gonna be over 200 single women at this wedding.

Not to mention, they got three live bands...

...they got oysters, snacks, phenomenal finger food.

I'm tired, okay? My feet hurt. My voice is hoarse.

Oh, please don't take a turn to negative town.

What? Who's getting negative?

At the Buckner nuptials you were sitting and sulking in the corner.

I wasn't sulking. I twisted my ankle.

Rule number 6: Do not sit in the corner and sulk.

It draws attention to you in a negative way.

Draw attention to yourself, but on your own terms.

Don't quote the rules to me, I know them.

When Chazz Reinhold passed the sacred rules of wedding crashing onto us...

... 1 2 years ago, he gave us a legacy.

You make it sound like a cult.

From everything you told me about him, he sounds like a kook.

You bite your tongue. Chazz Reinhold is not a kook.

He is a brave and a decent man. He is a pioneer.

He lived with his mother till he was 40. She tried to poison his oatmeal.

Erroneous! Erroneous. Erroneous on both counts.

-Oh, Lord. Here we go again. -What you should be worried about...

...is not Chazz Reinhold, who's in the hall of fame.

What you should be worried about is you're getting sloppy.

Now, if you sit there and expect me to go out on a limb...

...and try to pull off the greatest crash of all time...

...I gotta know that your head's right.

There is no room for error.

Secret Service. Consequences.

I love your enthusiasm.

If I do this, I don't wanna half-ass it.

I want it well planned.

He's back.

All right, partner. We'll start scheming tonight, okay?

-Sounds good. Okay. -If you need me, I'll be on line six.

Could be fun.

Wow KATHLEEN: Mr. Senator. Thank you. -Congratulations, Kathleen.

-Bill, congratulations. -Thank you, senator.

Secretary, they just grow up so damn fast.

That's the truth, yeah.

-Okay. Let's do our pregame. -What do you got?

Articles on Secretary Cleary's economic policies.

There's also a roster of key family members, a glossary, sailing terms.

-Sailing? -Sailing's like sex to these people.

-They love it. -Harvard, Kennedy School of Government.

Mom's big with charities, blah, blah, blah.

Three daughters, one son.

-I get it. Good work. -Good.

[CHATTERING]

Let me see that again, please.

Pretty handsome.

Okay, what's our back-story?

We're brothers from New Hampshire, we're venture capitalists.

JEREMY: I'm sick of that.

Let's be from Vermont, and let's have an emerging maple-syrup conglomerate.

Wait, that's stupid. We don't know anything about maple syrup.

I know everything there is to know about maple syrup.

I love maple syrup. I love maple syrup on pancakes.

I love it on pizza. I put a little bit in my hair...

...when I've had a rough week. What do you think holds it up, slick?

The first quarter of the big game and you wanna toss up a Hail Mary.

I'd like to be pimps from Oakland or cowboys from Arizona...

...but it's not Halloween. Grow up, Peter Pan. Count Chocula.

Look, we've been to a million weddings.

And guess what. We've rocked them all.

Great day.

[WHISPERING] The Eagle has landed. JEREMY: The big show.

Hey, hey. Fifth row back with the fancy hat.

I like that.

No, don't waste your time on girls with hats, they tend to be very proper.

JEREMY: Yeah?

The proper girl in the hat just eye-fucked the shit out of me.

JOHN: I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Why don't you say it a little louder? I don't think the priest heard you.

Look, John, I'm sorry I'm not sorry, okay?

I'm not gonna apologize. I'm a cocksman.

JOHN: Tourette's. -Frank Myers.

John Ryan. Say hello to my brother, Jeremy.

-Hi. -How are you?

So, um, how do you know the groom?

We are Uncle Ned's kids.

Uncle Ned.

-Is he Liz's brother? -Uncle Ned, the brother of Aunt Liz.

How is everybody?

Well, Dad kind of putters around the house.

Aunt Liz sends her best. She couldn't make it.

Yeah, I know.

She's dead.

From the grave.

She sends her best from the grave.

We've become extremely spiritual...

-...ever since she passed. -I see.

But thank you so much for your kindness, brother.

Lord knows we need family now more than ever.

-Well, you're welcome. JEREMY: Thank you.

[PACHELBEL'S "CANON IN D" PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]

How many times are you gonna do this shit?

Rule number 32: You don't commit to a relative...

...unless you're absolutely positive that they have a pulse.

Rule 1 6: Give me an up-to-date family tree.

Your mistake. You made me look like an idiot.

Rule number 76: No excuses, play like a champion.

Hello, Red.

-Dibs. -She's all yours.

I ain't gonna fight you.

[WAGNER'S "BRIDAL CHORUS" PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]


I think we've got a crier.

-No shot. -Twenty bucks.

-Make it 40. -Done.

[CRYING]

Oh, are you kidding me?

It's beautiful. It's moving. It's a wedding.

And now for our next reading, I'd like to ask the bride's sister Gloria...

...up to the lectern.

Twenty bucks, 1 Corinthians.

Double or nothing, Colossians 3: 1 2.

And now a reading from Paul's First Letter to the Corinthians.

"Love is patient, love is kind."

As you all know, Craig and Christina...

...are quite the sailing enthusiasts.

In that light, they have elected to exchange vows...

...which they themselves have written.

The ring.

CRAIG: I, Craig...

...take you, Christina, to be my wife...

...my best friend and my first mate...

[SNICKERING]

...through sickness and health, clear skies and squalls.

[GIGGLING]

[CLAIRE CLEARS THROAT]

I'm sorry, I have a tickle in my throat.

CHRISTINA: I, Christina, take you, Craig...

...to be my best friend...

...and my captain...

...to be your anchor and your sail...

Well, this is a first.

CHRISTINA: ...your starboard and your port.

[SNORTS]

And now I pronounce you husband and wife.

You may kiss the first mate.

[GIGGLES]

[PEOPLE CHEERING]

[MENDELSSOHN'S "WEDDING MARCH" PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]

[LAUGHING]

[BAND PLAYING SWING MUSIC]

Sorry, just a sampler.

-Told you this would be classy, right? -Yes, you did.

Class, first class all the way. You were not lying.

Class, class, class.

They've got some kind of seasoning on here. It must be sprinkled.

Okay, go get us seats near, but not too near, the bridal party.

I'm gonna go drop this box of fresh Wyoming air.

If you see crab cakes, get some because I love them.

Consider it done.

-Fondue set. -Excuse me?

The present you're holding is a sterling-silver fondue set.

-John Ryan. -Claire Cleary.

Uh, so how do you know that?

Well, I'm a psychic.

-You're psychic? -I am.

-Really? -Yes.

-What's that one? -Knife set. German. Very nice.

-Hm. And that? -Cotton linens, Egyptian.

Ooh.

-What about that? -Oh, I'll go all day.

Place settings, candlesticks, crystal stemware...

...which they'll probably never use because it's crystal stemware.

-Okay, how about that? -This?

Uh....

Massage oils and a book on tantra, probably from the wacky aunt.

Let's check.

-Who's it from? -Aunt Millie.

-Yes! -Well, you have a gift.

I know. Unfortunately my powers only apply to useless consumer products.

Well, if the police are missing a Belgian waffle maker, you could give them a hand.

[CHUCKLING]

-Claire, we need you for pictures. -Oh, okay.

-Who's your friend? -This is John Ryan.

-Hello. -Excuse us.

JEREMY: I might just have one more of the samplers here.

-Good. -What have we got?

Come back with some more stuff. That's good, though.

These bacon-wrapped scallops, phenomenal.

Really hit the spot. Unbelievable.

Oh, shit. Isn't that the girl you hooked up with at the Andersons' wedding?

-Oh, Jesus, I'm smoked. -No, no, don't panic.

We're gonna do number 1 0 from the playbook. Here she comes.

Shlomo? I thought you were renouncing all your possessions and moving to Nepal.

Shlomo, don't you remember me?

JOHN: Oh, my God, you didn't hear.

I'm so sorry. Shlomo had a scuba-diving accident.

Yeah, he came up too fast and the oxygen deprivation....

Poor guy. He doesn't remember anyone, even me, his own brother.

I'm just some nice guy who helps him out.

You poor thing.

He can't hear anything either. It's part of the accident.

So are you here for the Clearys' wedding?

Oh, yes. Yes, but I have to leave.

-I've got a flight to Madrid. JOHN: Oh, you have to leave?

-Yes. JOHN: Oh, okay.

I could hang out for a few minutes.

Oh, actually that won't be necessary.

Shlomo would like me to take him to the bathroom, then get him some crab cakes.

So, yeah, no, that's not--

Okay, okay.

Okay, I'll take you to get crab cakes first, then I'll take you to the bathroom.

You know what?

Here's my number. If there is anything I can do to help....

Okay.

Okay, have a safe flight. Don't worry about us.

-We're gonna be fine, we're gonna make it. -Okay.

Doctor.

She looked good. I might give her a shout.

How? She thinks you're deaf.

Everyone wants to be part of a miracle. I turned the corner, she's a part of it.

People helping people. It's powerful stuff.

God, you're a sick man. You also may be a genius.

Okay, so, what angle are we gonna play here?

I'm gonna go with the balloon-animal display for the kids...

...and then when she comes to check it out, guess who's a broken man.

-Haunted past. -Haunted past. Excellent.

-How about you? -I'll dance with the flower girl.

Or be a charter member of Oprah's Book Club.

-It's all deadly. I'll see you in a little. -Yes.

Final touch. There it is.

One happy elephant.

All right. Who else wants something?

I want a bicycle.

A bicycle? Well, a bicycle, that would take a lot of balloons...

...and Uncle Jeremy's a little tired right now...

...so why don't we do something like, let's say, a giraffe?

I just want a bicycle!

Why are you yelling at me?

Whatever. Make me a bicycle, clown.

I'm gonna make you a bicycle. But I don't want to make you a bicycle.

Shut your mouth, funny guy, and make it.

JOHN: You got it.

There you go. Yeah, you got it.

Let's see how you do with somebody your own age.

I think I'm up to the challenge.

All right, will you save me a dance for later?

-Maybe. JOHN: Ha, ha. Okay.

[CLEARS THROAT AND CHUCKLES]

Go on, take it, you hyena.

Don't say thank you.

Hi. You're good.

That thing? I'm just warming up. Last week I did a...

-...exact replica to scale of Wrigley Field. -Ha, ha.

Honest to God. I don't have anywhere to put it.

Okay, then I'll take a sports car.

How about a dance?

That's what I really wanted.


[MUSIC ENDS AND PEOPLE CLAPPING]

So how long have you and the secretary been married?

-Thirty years next April. -Oh, that's beautiful.

Yeah, and we were faithful for two of them.

-Hm? -Enjoy the party.

-Congratulations, Mr. Secretary. CLEARY: Thanks.

Secretary Cleary, John Ryan.

-Hi, John. -I just wanted to tell you how much...

...I enjoyed your position paper on economic expansion in Micronesia.

You've read my position paper?

I read it while I was sailing my boat to Bermuda.

A sailor?

-Good man, take a seat. -Oh, thanks.

You didn't happen to catch my speech...

...on the Paraguayan debt and money supply issue, did you?

Are you kidding me? I thought it was great.

Your argument for the inverse ratio of capitalization to debt was genius.

Now, if we can just get Congress not to be so shortsighted.

Yes. Well put. "Shortsighted."

John, what do you say you and I head out to the deck and light up a couple of cigars?

-Stogies? -Yeah.

Why not?

It's just that we lost a lot of really good men out there.

I'm sorry.

Gloria, I think I gotta go get some fresh air.

Thank you so much for the dance and it was wonderful to meet you.

I wish I were stronger.

Jeremy!

Jeremy, wait up!

CLEARY: John, you seem like an astute man. JOHN: Thank you.

Maybe you can help explain something to me.

See that young man out there on the dock?

JOHN: Sure. CLEARY: That's my son, Todd.

Twenty-two years old, the whole world in front of him.

Every advantage in life, advantages I never had.

Well, that's not exactly true.

He had the same advantages I had, which is a hell of a lot of advantages.

So here's my question:

What's he got to be so morose about?

Maybe he hasn't found something to believe in.

Oh, he says he believes in art.

But all I've seen him do...

...is dribble his own blood on a canvas and smear it around with a stick.

-You know, some people call that art. -It's crap.

What about having a public service, an obligation to our fellow man?

Well, maybe he's....

Maybe he's just trying to find his own way, his own path.

I mean, you cast a pretty big shadow.

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, perhaps...

...I should take it easier on him.

Perhaps.

Death, you are my bitch lover!

CLEARY: Todd, that's good!

Tell that mean ocean!

Oh, see that?

It's a start.

GLORIA: So you dove into the icy water?

Why would a man risk his own life for the life of a complete stranger?

The great 1 9th century philosopher Schopenhauer...

...he said, at that moment, when a human sees another human in danger...

...that there's this breaking in of metaphysical awareness.

Do you know what that awareness is, Gloria?

-What? -That we're all one.

That separateness is an illusion.

And that I'm one with everyone.

With the prime minister of England and my cousin Harry.

You and me.

The fat kid from What's Happening!!

The Olsen twins.

Natalie Portman.

The guy who wrote Catcher in the Rye.

Nat King Cole.

Carrot Top.

Jay-Z.

-"Weird Al" Yankovic. -Hm.

Harry Potter, if he existed.

The whore on the street corner.

Your mother.

-We're all one. -We are?

That my hands are your hands.

Oh.

And that my cheek...

...is really your cheek.

And that my lips....

Are my lips.

According to Mr. Schopenhauer, they are.

[GLORIA MOANING]

CLEARY: Well, the guy wants to run for president.

Oh, so you're hiding, I see.

He thinks Moby Dick is a venereal disease.

Well, that's what I need. Claire.

[JOHN LAUGHING]

Sorry to interrupt.

-Christina wants to talk to you. -Fun's over.

-Yeah. -Funny.

CLEARY: Franklin! -What a great guy.

You are a big hit at this wedding.

Well, everyone's so nice. It's easy.

-They're all full of shit. -What?

Half of these people are here because of my dad.

They're all just, you know, suckling at the power teat.

No, no. Come on, they're here because they want to believe...

...they're in the presence of true love. That's why people come to weddings.

Because they wanna believe in true love.

What's true love?

True love is your soul's recognition of its counterpoint in another.

Well, it's a little cheesy, but I like it.

I saw it on a bumper sticker.

[CHUCKLES]

-So you gonna give a toast? -Yes.

-You nervous? -Mmm, little bit, um.

-What are you gonna say? -Would you...?

-You keep it in your cleavage. -Nowhere else to put it.

Normally, I'm not very good at these things, but I think this one's pretty good.

"I never thought my sister would find someone...

...who cared about what other people thought as much as she did...

-...until I met Craig"? -Yes.

That's funny. That's funny because it's true.

You know, people like funny.

I know. But the whole funny-because-it's-true bit...

...only works if the truth is a small thing.

Like, "Everyone knows Jennifer likes to shop, ha, ha, ha."

You're better off going with something from the heart.

I think that people are gonna like this.

I think you're gonna hear crickets.

-I think you're wrong. -Sounds of silence.

-Nope. Mm-mm. -Okay, go walk the plank.

-I'm sticking to it. -Go ahead.

Hey, meet me at the back of the room. I'll be waiting to say, "I told you so."

Good luck.

And so, after my ninth stint in rehab, um, Craig....

Oh, Craig.

Craig was the only one who still believed in me.

Been sober now for eight months.

[CHUCKLING]

And, uh, I thank God every day...

...for sending me a friend like Craig.

I love you, man.

[PEOPLE CLAPPING]

[CLAIRE CLEARS THROAT]

I never thought my sister would find someone who cared about...

...what other people thought as much as she did until I met Craig.

Uh....

As you all know, my sister and Craig are both lawyers...

...at big law firms in New York.

But that's not the only thing they have in common. Um....

They both like the color green...

...like Craig's eyes and money.

Um, heh....

You know, someone once told me that...

...true love is...

...the soul's recognition of its counterpoint in another.

And I think that that's a very rare thing in this world.

And I think it's something to be valued.

And I'm just really happy that my big sister's found it.

Congratulations, Chris.

[MOUTHING] Thank you.

[PEOPLE CLAPPING]

Ah!

-That was amazing! -It was really great.

We should probably head back so they're not looking for us.

I always knew my first time would be on a beach.

First time?

You were a virgin?

-Mm-hm. -Wow.

Jeremy, we're gonna be so happy together.

I love you.

-I'm sorry? -I love you.

CLAIRE: You totally saved me. -No.

-Yes. -Claire, come on. Come on.

Oh, baby, you were awesome.

-No. -Listen to me, awesome.

Okay.

John, this is my boyfriend, Sack.

-Hey, fella. -How you doing?

-Listen, we gotta go meet the Schreibers. -Okay.

It was great to meet you.

[WHISPERING] Thank you.

Boom, I gotcha.

[LAUGHING]

-How you doing? -Oh, great. Good to see you.

I gotta get out of here, pronto.

-I got a Stage 5 clinger. -No, no, I need more time.

Did you hear what I just said to you? Stage 5? Virgin? Clinger?

Let's go, I'm gonna start the car. I'm serious, let's go.

I don't think you appreciate the urgency.

Not only is she a virgin, she's totally off the reservation.

I'm terrified of this broad.

-There you are. -Hey, Gloria, wow.

What a coincidence, I was just singing your praises. This is John Ryan.

GLORIA: Oh, hi. -Yeah.

My family and a few friends, we're all going back to our place on the shore...

...and it would be so great if you guys came.

Really?

-Sounds sort of wonderful. -I am--

Well, it does, it sounds very nice.

And I'm flattered that you would think of me...

...to include me in something like that. Thank you.

It kills me however to have to tell you I'm sorry, I just--

-Timing's no good. I can't make it. -Why?

-It's gonna be so much fun. -It's gonna be so much fun.

I'm sure it will be fun for the people that are going.

I unfortunately can't go. I don't have-- I only have this monkey suit.

-I don't have any clothes. -No, we have everything you need.

-Problem solved. Problem solved. -The problem's not solved.

-Deal us in. -Oh, cool, cool, cool.

I'm gonna run and find my dad.

Don't ask your dad. Don't ask your--

-The train's going. We gotta get on. -Why not just feed me to the lions?

-What? -Step on my head when I'm drowning.

-What? -What do you mean, what?

John, this is completely against the rules.

You have a wedding and a reception to seal the deal. Period.

-There's no overtime. No. -Oh, no overtime?

What about the Chang wedding three years ago?

-Oh, that's bullshit. -Yeah, thought I forgot about that.

Two a.m., you dragged me 50 miles to watch you and some chick...

...play mahjong with her grandmother at a retirement home.

-Yeah, completely different situation. -How?

What do you mean, how? She was a very, very family-oriented girl.

She was very into her grandmother.

-Give me a break. -That was my first Asian!

-You better lock it up. -You better lock it up.

-No, you lock it up. Lock it up. -You lock it up. Lock it up.

Please. It would mean so much to me. Please.

Look at the way he's looking at me.

He doesn't like me. He's the secretary of the treasury.

To be honest with you, my taxes aren't exactly in line.

-You're being paranoid. -He's threatened by the way I dance.

Damn it. Why'd I have to go showing off like that?

Now I'm all over his radar. Stupid.

You're not that good a dancer.

Oh, please. You and I both know I'm a phenomenal dancer.

Now I know you're lying. You'll do anything to get me to go...

...even if I have to walk right into the lion's den.

Gloria, come on!

You know I'm not gonna give in to this kind of behavior.

She's like a kid at Toys "R" Us. I can't be around it.

Oh, get off your high horse. Stop judging people.

You take off the white wig and you stop judging me.

I don't want to be around someone who's a nut job.

-I need alone time with her. -You wanna hang out with Claire...

...the boyfriend and Sybil, by all means. I'm not going.

I'll lay it out for you in chapter and verse: You're going.

Let me break it down for you, I'll hold your hand like a small child:

-I'm not going. -You are.

-You can go if you want. -You're gonna be a team player.

JEREMY: No, I'm not. -He'd love you to come.

-Yes. Yes! Baba ganoush! -Well--

GLORIA: Baba ganou!

SACK: Okay, okay. Home sweet home.

KATHLEEN: Thank you, Sack. Thank you.

JOHN: You okay? -Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

JOHN: Come here, come here.

Are you okay? I'm gonna need 1 00 percent of Jeremy and you're looking a little weird.

She took me below deck for 45 minutes. I don't have any bodily fluids left in me.

Gentlemen, everything okay?

-Great. Yep. SACK: Great?

You know, we were thinking about a little game of touch football, you know?

-Yeah? -Cleary family tradition.

A little pigskin, why not?

CLEARY: Great. -Don't forget to stretch, guys.

We're gonna be on the field in 1 0.

CLAIRE: I'm open, I'm open!

SACK: There you go. Nice, nice, nice.

There you go.

Clothes fit.

I'm not even gonna say it, but you know I'm upset.

I know you are. I think you look good.

You know I don't look good.

GLORIA: Hey, honey! I'm over here!

Are you ready? Are you ready for some football?

You want the noise brought on you? Here it comes.

-The what? MAN: The noise brought on you.

-Here it comes. -Just hike the ball, nut job.

Ready! Set! Hut! Hut! Hike!

One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi.

CLAIRE: Over here! Me, me, me!

[GRUNTING]

MAN: Yes!

-Wow. -Whoo!

Yes! Crab cakes and football!

-That's what Maryland does! CLEARY: Nice one.

[GRUNTS]

-A little out of shape? -Yeah.

[CHUCKLES]

-Way to bring it. SACK: Anticipate that rush.

-I saw you had it. -Hey, shut up!

-You gotta anticipate that rush. -Of course I do.

SACK: You did a great job. JEREMY: What happened, Toast?

I think he's on steroids.

It was like trying to cover a fucking racehorse.

[GRUNTING]

-Get it up! Get it up! -Well, don't worry about it.

-We'll burn them with the post. -No, no. No, I got a better idea.

Look, I want you to fake the post...

...throw an interception to Claire, get her to feel good.

Gets her involved. You think you can do that?

John, I was first team, all-state. I can put the ball wherever I want to.

I'll make it rain out here. All right, guys, bring it in. Blue 1 7!

Blue 1 7! Red 7!

-Oh, you're gonna cover me? -Like white on rice.

All right, I like my odds here. I'm gonna give you a little warning:

-I'm going downtown. -Hot route!

Red 7, Red 7, Red 7!

Look for me in the end zone, I'll be the guy holding the ball.

-John! Red 7! -What?

-I don't know what "Red 7" means. -Hot route!

I don't-- What is "hot route"?

Will you just go stand on the other side, please?

CLAIRE: Are you running away from me?

JOHN: No. I'm just getting over here. CLAIRE: You scared?

-Down! -Come on.

Ready, down, set! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hike!

GLORIA: Go, Jeremy!

Hey, yo! Hit me! Hit me!

Booyah!

That's what we call a "Sack lunch"! Yum, yum, yum, yum.

Ow, burn.

[SCREAMING]

Big tree fall hard, right?

How many fingers I got up? Come on, Pepe, how many fingers I got up?

Oh, come on, I got four. Okay, here's five.

Man down! We got a man down. You okay?

Hey, is your brother okay?

-What? Ah, he's fine. -I can't breathe.

SACK: What's that? -I can't breathe.

No, no, no, I think he's really hurt.

Well, serves him right after that throw.

Hey. Baba ganoush.

I don't know what got into me, secretary, I just--

I do. Five generations of Lodge family breeding.

[GROWLING AND CHUCKLING]

-Your father used to pull the same stunt... -I can't breathe.

-...when we were your age. -I can't breathe.

You okay?

[WHISPERING] Great. You threw it perfectly.

Come on, get up.

-Don't oversell it. -I'm not selling anything.

Come on, stop milking it. You make us look like a bunch of pussies.

Jeremy. Sit this play out.

Todd, come on in.

You must be joking.

It wouldn't kill you to play some competitive sports...

...once in a while, would it?

Oh, would that make you love me?

Pfft. Jesus.

Hey, Jeremy, Red Moon Dog 7-11.

Forty-two, 30-teen.

Hut one! Hut two!

Blitz!

-Oh! Ah! -Jeremy!

[GRUNTING]

[GASPING]

-That looked like it hurt. -Ooh.

-I got you. JEREMY: No, you didn't.

-You're cheating. -You're cheating.

Oh, my God. Your brother, he's down again.

What is his deal?

I don't know what's getting into me today, guys.

Nature versus nurture, Lodge. Nature always wins.

What are you doing? It's a game of touch.

Every time I look over, you're on your ass again.

If I had any air in my lungs, I'd scream at you.

Oh, now you're gonna blame me?

Because you're not athletic enough to stay on your two feet?

I hate you.

Let's take a daiquiri time-out.

-Daiquiris. -Daiquiris.

Oh.

Sweetheart, why don't you take him into the house and fix him up?

-Sure, Mom. -No, don't baby him.

It just makes it worse.

JEREMY: Oh, my back hurts.

Oh, great. Game's over. Satisfied?

You got everyone on you now. Get all the attention.

GLORIA: Come on, baby.

It's hot out here.

-Yeah, it is. -Yeah.

You should have played in your underwear.

I'll get you a drink.

Oh, Jesus Christ. Hss, it burns.

-It stings. Oh, Jesus. GLORIA: Poor baby.

You want me to blow on it?

No. No, no, no.

No, I don't need any blowing. I'm good. Thank you.

Jeremy, I'm not wearing any panties.

-That's right. -Oh. Yeah--

Okay. That's fun. That's nice.

Okay. Oh, oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, that's fun. Yeah, that's fun.

Okay, Gloria. You need to stop. Yeah, that's fun.

That's fun. That's fun.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Don't you worry, Gloria. Mum's the word.

Thank you, Randolph.

-A little more discreet, though, okay? GLORIA: Hee, hee.

Jesus Christ.

Don't worry, he won't say anything.

I'm confused. Like eight hours ago you were a shy little virgin...

...and now you're not wearing any panties. I'm trying to catch up with you.

You do that to me. Ooh.

-Where's my little friend? -No, no, no.

-Where's my little friend? -He's tired.

He's in time-out. He's in time-out.

Gloria, please. I'm exhausted. I'm exhausted. I've had a very long day.

I had your sister's boyfriend dry-hump me up and down the field all afternoon.

My leg's cut and bleeding. I'm just-- I'm not really in the mood for this.

-Fine! -Ow, Jesus Christ!

My father warned me about people like you, Jeremy.

-I'm just another notch on your belt. -It's not like that. It's not like that.

Really? Then what's it like, Jeremy, huh?

-Ow! Ow! -Huh?

No! Wait! Wait!

It's just that I'm feeling very strongly...

...that we're only expressing ourselves in a physical, sexual-specifically way.

That's it! Wait!

And I'd like to play some catch-up on finding out who's inside here.

Okay?

-Jeremy. -Heh, heh.

-Jeremy, you're amazing. -Oh, God, I think you're amazing.

-Oh, my God, don't ever leave me. Good. -Ever.

[IN BABY VOICE] Because I'd find you.

[CACKLING]

Yeah.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Of course, like all kids, I had imaginary friends, but not just one.

I had hundreds, and all of them from different backgrounds...

...who spoke different languages. One of them, his name was Caleb...

...he spoke a magical language that only I could understand.

[GIBBERING]

[CLEARY GIBBERING]

Get him all patched up?

I sure did, Daddy.

Gloria bug.

You go change for dinner.

Okay.

Phew.

You know, she's not just another notch on the old belt.

I don't even wear a belt. Beltless.

I'm a very powerful man.

Yes, you are.

See you for dinner.

SACK: So I am president of the Environment Defense League.

And I pick up this little sea otter...

...and wipe off the oil from the tanker spill.

You gotta step this up already. I'm gonna give you the damn eye drops.

No, I don't want them. It's too hardcore.

JEREMY: Do you want to be alone with her? JOHN: Yes.

Put these in his drink and he'll be going down on a toilet seat for the next 24 hours.

I don't wanna do it. I can beat this guy. Let's be honorable for once.

[WHIMPERING]

And the whiskers.

[CONTINUES WHIMPERING]

And the oil's-- The oil's flapping, he goes:

[COUGHING AND WHIMPERING]

-Give me the eye drops. -Thank you.

Perfect.

[CHATTERING]

[CLINKING ON GLASS]

Let us bow our heads in prayer.

Heavenly Father...

...we thank you for thy bounty on this table...

...and ask that you bless the entire Cleary family...

...and all the friends here assembled.

-Amen. -Amen.

Oh, these scallops look fantastic.

I bought them from an organic scallop farm right off the coast of Nattachoke.

CLAIRE: Actually, Sack got the governor to subsidize part of the project.

And now it's the state's only self-sustaining scallop farm.

Say that five times fast. You can't do it. Self-sustaining--

[CHUCKLING]

JEREMY: They look terrific. Maybe I'll actually try some...

...when I get the sensation back in my face. From the football game.

Again, Jeremy, I'm sorry. You know, I have this damn competitive streak, um.

-I'm seeing a Buddhist about it. -Not just any Buddhist.

His Holiness, the Dalai Lama. He's a good friend.

Stop traffic. Because when I go back to town...

...I'm actually gonna see an orthopedist about what you did to my back.

Not just any orthopedist. I'm gonna see a Dr. Epstein--

Hey, Sack, how long have you and Claire been seeing each other?

Claire and I? What's it been, sweetheart? A couple years?

Three and a half.

Yeah, actually, we started dating while we were doing Habitat for Humanity.

Sure.

Pretty soon we'll be getting married.

Yep.

Well, not too soon, um....

We still have a lot of things that we want to accomplish.

Anyway, once Claire and Sack tie the knot...

...two of the great American families, the Clearys and the Lodges...

-...will finally unite. -Hear, hear.

And then, of course, you can challenge the Klingons...

...for interstellar domination, right?

[LAUGHING]

Jeremy. I saw you on the dance floor.

You move pretty good.

Oh, thanks a lot.

I really just got lucky.

I was more in the zone than anything else.

It was the booze dancing, heh, heh.

[LAUGHING]

Sorry, guys, I forgot. How are you connected to the family again?

Uncle Ned's kids.

You know, Uncle Ned?

Aunt Liz's brother. Ned and Liz.

SACK: Hm. No, I don't know. CLEARY: So, Jeremy...

...you and your brother are venture capitalists.

-That's right. -That's great.

Venture capitalist. The backbone of the system.

-It's the new pioneer. O'NEIL: New pioneer.

So is it just about the money?

No, no, it's about...

...investing in companies that are ethically and morally defensible.

-Like what? Give me an example. -Like what? Well, there's the company...

...that we have where we're taking the fur or the wool from sheep...

...and we turn it into thread for homeless people to sew.

And then they make it into cloth, which they in turn sew...

...then make little shirts and pants...

...for other homeless people to sell. It's a pretty good deal.

-People helping people. JOHN: Yeah.

That's very admirable.

Thank you. Although don't make me out to be a saint just yet.

We do turn a small profit.

After all, someone has to pay for the lap dances for the big guy here.

He's joking around. It feels so good when he jokes.

What's this company called?

-Holy sh-- -Shirts & Pants. Holy Shirts & Pants.

It's a little corny and obvious...

...but what do you get out of being subtle, right?

Well, that's a hell of a good project.

I'm gonna mention something to the commerce secretary.

That would be terrific. That would be great, huh?

Terrific, it was terrific.

Isn't my Willy doing a wonderful job there in Washington?

-Mommy. -You know, Willy's father, my husband...

[GURGLING]

...was the secretary of state for President Franklin Roosevelt.

That must have been so thrilling. FDR.

My gosh, FDR was a wonderful President.

MARY: He was a doll.

The wife, though, Eleanor?

-Big dyke. CLAIRE: Oh, Lord.

Huge dyke. A real rug muncher.

Looked like a big lesbian mule.

Grandma, you can't talk like that, okay? It's not right.

Somebody get me another Scotch for chrissakes.

I think I'm gonna go to bed.

CLAIRE: Honey, are you okay? SACK: Oh, yeah.

I'm fine. You know, I'm just a little tired. Thanks.

-Okay. -You all right?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

What an athlete. A tremendous competitor.

I know.

Todd, I noticed that you haven't even touched your food yet.

-I don't eat meat or fish. -He's a homo.

[LAUGHING]

CLEARY: Mommy, let's not go there again.

Actually, Todd is an amazing painter.

He's going to the Rhode Island School of Design.

JOHN: Oh, that's a great school. Congratulations, Todd.

That's really impressive. RISD.

Yeah, Dad used to think I'd be a political liability...

...you know, in case he ever ran for president.

Now, Todd. Actually, truth be told...

...polling shows a majority of the American people...

...would ultimately empathize with our situation.

-What is our situation, Dad? -You're a homo.

Oh, for God sakes, William, put Mommy to bed already.

Okay. Mommy, we've had a long day.

I can do it myself, asshole.

Wow I'll be in my room painting.

Homo things.

You just go right ahead, Toddy.

WOMAN: Wonderful scallops. CLEARY: Absolutely. Wonderful.

You know, I think I'm gonna get some air.

Oh, I'll get some air if you want some company.

-Sure. JOHN: Let me just change my shoes.

-Excuse me. -All right. I'm gonna--

Can't walk away from the delicious food that we got here.

[DOOR SLAMS]

I just had my tits done.

You like them?

Those seem like lovely tits.

William doesn't give a shit about my tits.

Well, darn him.

But, Mrs. Cleary, this is pretty sudden.

You've been playing cat and mouse with me ever since you came here.

-Mrs. Cleary, I don't-- -Call me Cat.

-Okay, Cat-- -Call me Kitty Cat. Rowr.

Okay, Kitty Cat, this feels borderline inappropriate, and--

-Feel them. -What?

-I said, feel them. -Mrs. Cleary--

Kitty Cat.

I'm sorry, Kitty Cat. Are you out of your fucking mind?

I'm not letting you out of this room...

...until you feel them.

Wow, they feel really nice. Real orb-like.

It's amazing what they can do to--

Pervert.

TODD: Mom make you feel her tits?

Did you say something, Todd?

Mom make you feel her tits?

Todd, where are you going with this?

Just don't say anything to my dad, though.

Some friend of my sister's...

...she said something to my dad a couple of years ago...

...he now lives in a shack in Guam.

Not by choice.

Stop kidding with me, Todd. You almost had me.

Come on.

-John, I need to talk to you. -No, not right now.

What's wrong with you? Why you got the weird look all over your face?

Claire's mom just made me grab her hooters.

Well, snap out of it! What? A hot older woman made you feel her cans?

-Stop crying like a little girl. -I wasn't crying like a little girl.

Try getting jacked off under the table in front of the family...

...and have some real problems. Jackass.

What were they like? They look pretty good. Are they real?

Are they built for speed or for comfort? What'd you do with them?

Motorboat? You play the motorboat? Pbbbbt.

You motorboating son of a bitch. You old sailor, you.

Where is she? She still in the house?

What is wrong with you?

What do you--? What's wrong with you?

-What's wrong with you? -What's wrong with you?

-You're projecting. -Drop it.

You drop it. You stop projecting on me.

You go enjoy yourself while I go ice my balls and spit up blood.

JOHN: Drop it! -"Team player."

[JEREMY CLEARS THROAT]

Oh, Mr. President.

[SCREAMS]

What do you want?

You're in my room.

Oh, dear.

I'm too drunk to walk, so carry me to my room.

Carry you?

Sure.

RANDOLPH: You banging the daughter and the grandma?

-How much jam you got, man? -Jam?

Listen, man. The family dog live downstairs.

I can wake him up for you if you like. His name is Snooky.

-You could not be more wrong-- -Just be gentle with her, okay?

She be pushing 90.

Jesus Christ.

Hey. Good thing I didn't hold my breath.

Yeah, I'm sorry, I just, uh....

Sorry I'm late, I just....

You okay?

No, no, I'm fine, I just....

I just got held up.

My family's a little strange.

A little strange?

Come on. Claire.

Your family are totally nuts.

-And guess what. -What?

-I love it. -You do?

-Yeah, it seems great. -Really?

-Yes. -I get a little self-conscious.

It's a family. You're mixing it up.

You got the sweet little grandma who's really sweet...

...with her, like, little, like, white hair, but then she's kind of mean.

But you're like, "Well, fuck it, she's so old, and she's not gonna change now."

Shit, it was great.

I just hope I didn't embarrass myself with that stupid joke I told.

Are you kidding? That was so funny.

-No, really? Really? -Yeah. Yeah, you're like that crazy guest...

...who thinks he's part of the family. It's great.

Doesn't sound that great. That sounds horrible.

-No, it's cute. -The crazy guest who thinks he's...

...like, part of the family who's gonna say inappropriate stuff? What is that?

Yeah. You know, you break the ice.

-Yeah. -It can be so stuffy sometimes in there.

CLEARY: Claire?

CLAIRE: Yeah? -There you are.

Have you checked on Sack? I think he's pretty sick.

-Oh, really? CLEARY: Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. No, I'll be right in.

-I should-- I should go check on him. JOHN: Yeah, sure, okay.

Yeah, we'll take a walk some other time.

Claire.

Mm-hm?

I'll talk to you later.

Okay.

CLAIRE: Oh, no.

Are you okay?

Well, Claire...

...my head's buried in a toilet.

What do you think? Why don't you do the math, okay?

Honey, it's okay to be vulnerable sometimes. It's just me.

Yeah, you can just cut that psychobabble bullshit that your mom tells you, okay?

-Right. -Hey, you wanna help me out?

Do you? Do you, kid? Why don't you go get me a 7-Up, okay?

All right, because I think I'm-- I think I might get vulnerable again.

-What the fuck is going on? -Shh.

[SHUSHING]

You'll wake my dad.

Baby, I started thinking about what you said before...

...and I think the problem is I am not being adventurous enough for you.

Gloria, I am pretty sure that is not what I've been saying to you.

Shh.

Baby...

...I'm gonna make all your fantasies come true.

But this is not a fant--

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

I love you.

[MUFFLED SCREAMING]


[GRUNTING]

[VOMITING]

Gloria, go to sleep, honey.

It's not Gloria.

Jesus Christ.

We had a moment at the dinner table.

We did not have a moment at the dinner table.

Yes. We had a moment.

I was there. I would have noticed if there was a moment.

I made you a painting.

What?

TODD: I call the painting "Celebration."

It's sexual and violent.

I thought you might like it.

No.

[DOOR SLAMS]

CLEARY: Where's that coming from? You hear that?

-Hide! You gotta hide! Yes. -No. They need to know about us.

-It's okay. -Hide, hide, hide! Please, please, please.

Not there. Not there! I'm not comfortable-- I'm not comfortable with that!

-Let's play tummy sticks. -What's tummy sticks?

I don't want to play. Get in the closet.

It's okay, I was where you were a year ago.

Get in the fucking closet right now. You go get in the closet!

You go get in the closet! You go get in the closet!

Go.

I'll pop out at the right moment.

JEREMY: No, you will not.

Everything okay in here? I thought I heard something.

I was just having a bad dream.

I know about bad dreams.

You know, Todd...

...screams at night sometimes.

You know, the doctors call it night terrors. I don't know.

[MUTTERING]

Okay, then.

Sleep well.

[DOOR SHUTS]

There's nothing terrifying about the night.

Now, listen, if you let me go to bed and get some sleep...

...then we can talk tomorrow.

-You won't make time for me. -If I get my sleep...

...I'd love to make time and talk about, uh, different things.

Like paintings.

Can't wait for tomorrow, when I got energy and I can share stuff.

-Okay. -Okay.

-Oh, it's gonna be great. -You sleep.

Okay. That was nice.

That was nice. Please let me just sleep.

I can't take this fucking shit anymore.

There he is. It's the big guy! Get in here.

Wait till you see the spread. Anything you want.

Yeah, well, get what you want to go.

Ferry leaves in 25 minutes. We gotta get out of here.

Whoa, what's your problem? Have some of this stuff.

I didn't get a lot of sleep last night, John. I'm fried.

-Soft mattress? -Yeah, that could've been it.

It could have been the soft mattress, or the midnight rape...

...or the nude, gay art show in my room.

One of those probably added to the lack of sleep.

Try one of these scones, you'll love them.

I'm a little too traumatized. Let's move.

Will you slow down for a second? The whole eye-drop thing backfired.

Okay? It didn't work. She had to leave me and go attend to him.

Why are you looking at me like that?

You're falling for this broad.

No. I just met her.

Exactly. I'm gonna go.

-You can't go. -Watch me.

Watch me take this on down the road.

Look, if you leave, Gloria is gonna freak out and throw a shit fit...

...and it's gonna go into crisis lockdown mode here at the house.

I don't give a baker's fuck.

I just had my own sock duct-taped into my mouth last night.

-Whoa, what? -Yeah, the sock...

...that I wore around all day, playing football in, pouring sweat in...

...was shoved into my mouth, and there was duct tape over it.

Let's talk about it. I'm a good listener.

I'm not in a place to discuss what happened. Okay?

I felt like Jodie Foster in The Accused last night.

I'm gonna go home, see Dr. Finkelstein...

...and I'm gonna tell him we got a whole new bag of issues.

We can forget about Mom for a while. I'm gonna go.

Suit yourself. Rule number 1.

Rule number 1: Never leave a fellow crasher behind.

-I can't believe how selfish you are. -I need you.

A friend in need is a pest.

I'll stick it out with you because you're desperate.

I need the big guy.

I'll give you a little bit more time because somebody can't close.

-Fair enough. -But if you want my help, listen.

Number one: Stop being a pussy.

Number two: Make a move.

Number three....

You know it.

Could you pop the syrup for me? Just as a top off?

Here's what's gonna happen, Tonto.

Kimosabe's gonna have some flavor.

-I choose not to eat with you. -We're not eating together?

No. I'd like to recharge my batteries, and shut down the engines...

...and get myself back to neutral.

When the meal's over with, I will talk to you.

I don't want to get into what happened last night.

Let's get through today, let's keep our eye on the prize, let's focus...

-...and let's close some ass. -Noted.

Can I tell you something without you getting angry?

I love you.

Yeah, you, big guy.

I love you too.

[LINE RINGING]

MAN: Hello

-Trapster, it's Sack. -Sackmaster.

-How was the wedding? -Oh, it was boring, you know But the bachelor party, of course, rocked.

We got Heidi, a couple of those fucking sluts from the environmental group, remember?

No way. Did you tap that again?

Once at my place, then once back in the cab.

Damn! Sluts.

Oh, how's Claire?

Still trying to figure out what she's doing with her life?

Claire? She's, you know, whatever, I don't know.

She's saving the world one maladjusted kid at a time.

But that'll all change when we're married.

I want a wife. I don't want a fucking martyr, right?

I hear that, my friend Hey, man, listen, I, uh, got--

Do you remember that private detective we used...

...to set up that Shearson Lehman prick?

The "Big Sleazy," Tommy Gufano. He's a wop genius.

Yes. I need you to get some dirt on these two guys...

...John and Jeremy Ryan. They're brothers from New Hampshire.

They got some sort of N.P.O. called Holy Shirts & Pants.

-I will check into them. -Excellent, bro.

-You the man. -Take it easy.

[GURGLING AND BELCHING]

CLEARY: Where's Sack?

CLAIRE: Oh, he's still not feeling very well.

CLEARY: Well, then, we'll sail without him.


CLEARY: John, my boy. -Yes?

We're tacking back round.

Do me a favor, ease the sheets...

...swing the jib starboard.

Okay, let me, uh--

Okay.

JOHN: One minute.

-Hi. How's it going? -Hi.

Oh, just swinging the jib here for your dad.

Starboard. Trying to get it over here and crease the sheet.

But starboard's this way.

-Oh, that's right. What am I--? -Yeah.

-What am I thinking? -I'll help.

-Okay. CLAIRE: Hang on, hang on.

Watch the jib boom.

All right, push it. Push it this way.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, this is better.

-Come on, use some muscle. -There we go.

All right, that's beautiful. Done. Done.

I'm used to sailing down under with the Kiwis...

...so everything is backwards.

Even the toilets, when you flush them, the water spins the opposite way.

Really freaks you out the first time you see it.

CLEARY: John, my boy.

Come on up here.

Man the Woodwind for a while.

On my way.

Hey, your dad was telling me about a great beach near here...

...that maybe we could check out, if you have any interest, when we get back.

-Yeah. -Great.

Okay, it can get confusing up here. If you have a problem, just give me a call.

CLAIRE: Thank you.

JOHN: Ah, sailing. What have we got, captain?

Take the wheel.


-Thanks. -How would one get to this Sook's Bend?

Actually, it would be a really nice bike ride.

[GUN COCKS]

Everything's ready for the quail hunt!

-Sack? -For the quail hunt?

It's a Cleary family tradition.

Well, I think you might have to deal me out on this, because we were gonna--

Nonsense, I insist.

John, you gotta go. You're gonna love it. You're gonna love it.

Sack, honey, you a little bit sick for hunting?

Oh, no, I'm great. Honey, I'm great.

No, I'm going. Right? Right?

[SACK CACKLES]

[SACK GUFFAWS]

Okay. You're going.

-So I guess I'll see you later. -See you later.

Just take it easy, okay?

-Okay. CLAIRE: Okay.

Mr. Environmental is also a hunter. It's kind of an interesting combination.

I hunt quail, Jeremy.

They're overpopulated and they're decimating the grub-worm population.

Got a fucking problem with that?

Not nearly as much as I do with the attire that you have on...

...or just your general point of view towards everybody.

But let's go kill some birds. I'm psyched.

Have you even shot one of these things before?

The whole 1 7 years we've known each other...

...I've been sneaking off to go on hunting trips around the world.

No, I don't even know what the fuck a quail is.

I feel totally ridiculous. It's like, why do I have to be in camouflage?

So the big bad quail doesn't see me?

I know. It's like, why can't we hunt something cool...

...like a hawk, or an eagle, or something with some talons?

That'd be awesome. Big game, even like a gorilla?

-Yeah. Gorilla. -Or a rhinoceros.

-Rhino. -Or a fucking human being?

That'll get you jacked up.

That's a little heavy.

I mean, like-- You're hunting a human being right now.

Most Dangerous Game Like a worthy adversary. Not a human being that's armed...

-Oh, if he wasn't armed. -...but a clever human being...

-...who knows the jungle, or the woods. -Like a bad guy.

[BIRDCALL WHISTLING]

There's something not right about these guys.

MAN: What do you mean? -I mean, it's time to send them home.

Sack, don't do anything crazy.

-I'm just gonna scare them a little bit. -All right.

To the right!

[SCREAMING]

[SCREAMING]

BOTH: Ooh.

Ooh.

-They got me! -Oh, shit.

JEREMY: They got me! -Oh, shit.

JEREMY: Ow!

Ow! Jesus!

-You okay, buddy? -Oh, don't "okay, buddy" me.

We're gonna take a little bike ride, and then we'll come back and check up on you.

And take care of him, okay? I want you to get my little angel up and running.

-Hang in there. -I hope you flip your bike over...

...and knock your two front teeth out, you selfish son of a bitch!

You leave me in the trenches taking grenades, John!

CLAIRE: Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Yes!

JOHN: Whoa.

Come on!

JOHN: Slow down!

MAN [ON TV]: Tough luck, Ralphie boy

-Randolph. -Shh.

I'm watching my stories, man.

Is that what you get paid to do?

It's exactly what I get paid to do.

Look, I want to know where Claire is.

She took a bike ride down to the beach.

With who?

With that fella from the wedding that everyone seems to be so fond of.

CLAIRE: So you're a venture capitalist?

What does that mean?

JOHN: Oh, it's really not that interesting, actually.

CLAIRE: You don't sound very enthused.

JOHN: Well, no, it's just-- You know, things start happening...

...and you go down a road and you think it's just for a little while.

And then you get caught up in it and you get kind of into it...

...and just don't even have time to really ask questions about it.

And before you know it, you're living a life that you didn't set out to...

...or that you intended to.

Do you know what I mean?

Yes, I do.

I think that there's some great things that I'd like to do...

...that maybe I'm capable of, hopefully.

Oh, yeah? Like what?

I don't know.

We'll see. I'm still young.

Well...

...you're not that young.

I'm sorry.

Give me your hands.

I know this game. Okay.

JOHN: I'm not gonna bite you.

Do you want full speed or half speed?

Full. Oh, ha, ha, wow.

You're never gonna hit me, I don't think. I'm pretty quick.

CLAIRE: What? You didn't approve of that? -Let me get settled before you go.

No, because you're supposed to--

[SLAPPING]

You gotta wait until I put them back.

Come on.

So, what about you, with Sack?

Is that a good thing?

Yes, I think it's a good thing.

You don't sound very enthused.

I am.

Well, I mean, I think I am. I....

I'm....

Okay.

I-- You know, we've just been talking so much about the future lately...

...and, uh, I mean, I always assumed that we would get married.

But....

I'm scared.

I am.

But that that's how everyone feels before they're about to get married.

I mean, don't you think?

Yeah, no. Don't answer that.

That's my rationalization and I'm sticking to it.

Fair enough.

And I don't mean to pry.

Yes, you did.

Well, however it works out, I hope you....

Um....

I hope you realize that you deserve somebody great.


I have an announcement.

I know that we said we were gonna wait...

...but given the spirit of this weekend, well....

Claire, come on. Come on. Come on, come on, it's okay.

Come on. Come on.

[CHUCKLING]

Claire and I are getting married.

[CHATTERING AND CLAPPING]

KEN: Good, Sack. That's wonderful.

MAN 1: Isn't that great?

-Wonderful. -Wonderful.

[SNORING]

MAN 2: Way to go, man. Way to go.

Claire bear, you never told me.

Two of the great American families.

MAN 3: Claire, you took us all by surprise! SACK: Yeah.

-Yeah. MAN 3: You're good! You're good!

Can you just give me one minute?

-Yeah. Mmm. -Okay.

KEN: Great.

Congratulations, young man.

Welcome to the family. This is wonderful.

Look, kid, I'm sorry. You win some, you lose some, right? Let's go home.

-No, I'm not-- I can't do that. -What are you talking about?

Look, I think I'm in love with her.

Yeah, I think-- I think that you're nuts. That's what I think.

I'm gonna tell her the truth.

Jesus Christ!

-Hey. How are you? -Hey.

Okay, listen, Gloria, you know that I think...

...that you're an amazing person, a really amazing person...

...but I feel like I have to be up-front with you.

I really don't see this relationship going further than this weekend.

-But I love you. -Yeah.

You'll learn as time goes on that there's a difference...

...between infatuation and love, you know?

Obviously, you're gonna have strong feelings for me...

...because you lost your virginity to me...

-...but that doesn't mean-- -Oh, I wasn't a virgin.

-What? -I wasn't a virgin.

Far from it.

I just thought that that's what guys wanted to hear.

Come on.

Jeremy.

Wow

Hello, son.

-You okay? -Not now, Father, please.

No offense to you, I think we might be on different wavelengths.

I think you'd just be spinning your wheels with me.

But have a little of the sacrament here.

No one likes to drink alone. We'll set you up.

There you go, get your hands on it. Take it while it's hot.

I'm gonna pour till it's on the tray. Here it is.

Can I ask you a question, Father?

You ever get horny?

[CHUCKLING]

I'm sure you do. But I guess in your position, right? You're not allowed to...

-...sleep with anybody, right? -No.

Does that get tough sometimes?

Do you ever pull on yourself or...?

Everything works?

-Do you get swelled up still? -Yeah, of course.

-Well, what do you do? -You pray.

Yeah, I pray too, you know what I mean?

She's good.

I mean, I believed that she was a virgin.

It hurts to be lied to like that.

It's a horrible feeling to feel that way.

But I was looking to take advantage of something too.

So could I really feel that bad?

It's not like I was who I was. You know? So fair play.

And let's be honest here, okay?

Let's put all the cards on the table. She's fit for a straitjacket.

She's fucked three ways towards the weekend.

And you wanna know what? I dig it. It turns me on.

Yeah. It turns me on.

You wanna know what the kicker is, Father?

Maybe I'm a little fucking crazy. That's right. Maybe Jeremy's a little nuts.

Maybe I'm a little cuckoo.

I know it's a surprise. It's not on the surface.

I had an imaginary friend when I was a kid. His name was Shilo.

We used to play checkers with each other every day...

...and bless his heart, Shilo would always let me win.

[CHUCKLING]

And that ain't normal. There's something odd in that.

Maybe that's what it takes to make you feel connected to somebody. I don't know.

I know when that redhead starts getting kooky...

...that something about me feels alive inside.

I dig talking with you. You're an enlightened cat...

...and I like that about you. I think you're a special, special man.

Okay, come in for the real thing.

-Get in here for the real thing. -Oh, oh.

I love you. You're a sweet man.

Oh, dear God.

You can't marry this guy.

Why?

Because I've fallen for you.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

WOMAN: Oh, this is wonderful. -Oh.

Good news travels fast.

Excuse me. I'm just gonna take this. Sorry, thanks. Thanks.

Trapster, talk to me.

No shit.

And do you maybe feel the same way?

-Maybe. -Maybe.

That's all I needed to know.

But this is crazy, because I don't know any--

-Why? -I don't know anything about you!

-What do you mean? -You do investments in New Hampshire...

...and you have a crazy brother--

I need to talk to you. It's not a big deal...

...but maybe you wanna sit back on the swing.

[GUNSHOT]

Run!

Johnny! She's trying to kill me!

-Grandma! -Get the gun from her!

Put the gun down! Mother, stop!

This is the real world, lady!

You can't just go shooting people on a whim!

MAN: Why does Grandma have a gun?

-What did you do? -I told you that in confidence.

-That was a confession. -What are you talking about?

Why don't you tell her, John?

-I don't know what's going on. -You don't know?

-I'm playing catch-up, too. -I don't--

CLAIRE: Sack, what are you doing? SACK: Remembering yet?

-You remember yet? CLAIRE: Are you okay?

SACK: They're not who they say they are, Claire.

-Those aren't even their real names. -What?

-Everything he told you is a lie. CLAIRE: I don't understand.

Claire, they crash weddings.

They crash weddings so they can sleep with girls.

Everything that they have told us is a complete fabrication.

-No, you're joking. -All of it is-- Don't you fucking get up.

-Sack, will you just stop? -Okay, okay.

CLAIRE: Is that true? -No, well, it's-- Not entirely.

No, it's a yes-or-no question.

I know, but it's complicated.

CLAIRE: Yes or no?

Yes or no?

Yes.

With shades of gray.

I'm not perfect, but who are we kidding? Neither are you.

And you wanna know what? I dig it.

Jeremy tried to seduce me!

You did?

I want my painting back.

The painting was a gift, Todd.

I'm taking it with me.

You had me going, son.

I thought it was something special.

There's a ferry leaving in 1 0 minutes.

I suggest you be on it.

Come on, let's go.

[WHISPERING] I want you. [WHISPERING] I love you.

He made a fool out of you, Claire.

Come on, let's go.

Sweetheart.


Now bunch those panties up into a little ball.

Put that little ball right in your mouth. Oh, that's good.

-Hang up the phone. -Okay.

And I will definitely call you back later then.

-Come on, wrap it up. -Talk to you soon. Thank you, Larry.

What the fuck? You can't knock anymore?

-I know how I can get to her. -What?

I know how I can get to Claire.

Oh.

John, you gotta drop this thing. I can't do this anymore with you, okay?

It's been months, you haven't heard anything from her.

She hasn't returned your phone calls, she's never responded to your letters.

-She didn't respond to the candygram. -Right.

God knows what happened to the kitten you got her.

She didn't keep it and I know you're not raising that thing.

-Okay. -I think it's very obvious...

...at this juncture that she just flat out does not wanna see you.

I disagree. Now, look, they're having the engagement party...

...for her tonight at the Burke's club. We're going at 7:30.

I'm not g-- John, I can't-- Heh, heh, heh.

Okay, okay, listen to me. Tasmanian devil.

-Listen to me. I can't go. -Why?

Because I can't go, because I have a schedule. Because I have--

What is your deal? What is your problem?

For the past couple months you've been a ghost.

I can't find you, and now I come to you with an idea...

...put myself on the line, you shoot it down with negativity.

Your goddamn negativity. I don't need it. I'm an idea man.

I thrive on enthusiasm. Don't take the wind out of my sails. I need you.

Buddy, you know I love you, and I hate to see you like this...

...but we gotta look at reality here.

There's gonna be Secret Service. They have pictures of us.

There's not a shot in hell we can get into this thing.

You're so cautious. I'm more of a risk taker.

I'm two steps ahead of you and 1 0 steps ahead of the Secret Service.

Oh, yeah. 46 extra long, baba ganoush special.

We're waiters.

Buddy, for your own good, you gotta let this thing go.

Now, I'm gonna meet you there at 7:30, okay?

Okay.

JOHN: Hey, how do I look? -Good, man.

-Good. -Where's your friend?

Late, as usual. Is Claire--?

-Oh, she's looking fine. -Okay.


SACK: Next thing you know they pick me up, put me on the top of this mountain...

...and they start chanting, and I realized...

...they thought I was God.

And I'll tell you something, I thought I was too.

CLEARY: Claire.

Let's dance.

[PEOPLE CLAPPING]

[BAND PLAYING POLKA MUSIC]

SACK: You. -Huh?

[GRUNTING]

Let's go, sport.

Whoa, hold it.

Sack!

Okay, Sackmaster, one more. We should get back to the bar.

You're right.

You get near my fiancée again...

...I'll kill you.

Let me say one thing.

You check out the rack on that bartender?

Hey, you're the Sack. She'll come to you.

Oh, my God-- Yeah, she will. You're right.


JOHN: Jeremy!

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

Goddamn it.

Perfect.

Johnny, wait a second.

Come on, John!

Oh, what time is it?

John, will you wait a second so I can talk to you?

Hold on, man.

Will you stop? I'm not gonna chase you down the whole fucking street, man.

-Hold on a second. Let me talk to you. -About what?

About how you left me high and dry to get my ass kicked by Sack again?

Sack did that to you?

How long you been sneaking around with Gloria behind my back?

I wanted to tell you about Gloria. I tried to. I didn't know how.

And I'm sorry that you had to find out this way.

I'll level with you.

I care about her a lot.

I love her.

What?

You're unbelievable. Judas.

Rule number 5: You're an idiot.

JEREMY: You're wrong to pull out the rulebook. There was never rules about this.

What's the rule about walking away? Never walk away on a crasher in a funny jacket.

Rule number 115.

You're an asshole.

[MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ON TV]

[MAN CONTINUES SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ON TV]

[PHONE RINGS]

JOHN [ON ANSWERING MACHINE]: This is John. Whatever.

[MACHINE BEEPS]

JEREMY: Hey, John, it's Jeremy Just calling to see what you're up to Would love to hear back from you, man Give me a shout We'll do the wedding in peaches and apricots.

It's a June wedding, but if the weather turns nasty...

-...warm colors will really help you. -That's right....

Johnny.

Johnny, open up, man.

Does anyone ever feel like they're just...

...disappearing?

I feel so much like giving up.

[SCREAMING]

Yeah!

Get it?

Put your hands out like this.

-Claire. -Please.

Hi. Thanks for coming.

MAN 1: Hey! MAN 2: Get off her! What are you doing?

-You're supposed to move your hands. -You're not getting enough attention?

Love doesn't exist. That's what I'm trying to tell you guys.

And I'm not picking on love...

...because I don't think friendship exists either.

Hey! Shout!

Shout! Put your hands up and shout!

Are you okay? Get up, buddy.

Move it on.

JEREMY: Gloria, I've been doing a lot of soul-searching lately...

...and I think that I'm ready to take, um, this relationship...

...our relationship, to the next level.

To what the next level of the relationship would be.

-Jeremy. Jeremy! -Is that good?

I am so ready to take it to the next level too.

Do you wanna watch me with a girl?

What about those Brazilian twins we met at the ballgame?

I was-- I was thinking more along the lines of an engagement.

But that sounds terrific. That sounds unbelievable.

The Brazilian girls were very nice. They seemed like--

Oh, Jeremy, I do!

-I love you. -I love you.

I can't believe that they're getting married.

I mean, don't you think that's really soon?

Well, you know Gloria. She's impetuous.

Has to have what she wants when she wants it.

Well, we had to give her a Sweet 1 6...

...on her 1 3th birthday. You remember that.

Yeah, I remember, but this is--

Dad, this is marriage.

When you know what you want, you know what you want.

So...

...which of these do you like?

Um....

Well, I could go with the tall tapered arrangement...

...with tulips and freesias and orchids...

...or I could go with a votive of roses and lilies, I don't know.

-Claire bear. -Yeah?

What's wrong?

Look...

...we have no way of knowing what lays ahead for us in the future.

All we can do is...

...use the information at hand to make the best decision possible.

It's gonna be fine.

-Your whole life is gonna be fine. -Yeah.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Happy birthday.

Can't let a little pissing and moaning break tradition.

Right, that's today.

I see you've been getting into a little light reading.

That's not mine. I bought that for a friend.

Yeah.

-So how you been? -Great. Really spectacular.

Good. What have you been up to?

You know, this and that. Crashing weddings.

-Alone? -No, not alone.

Well, who you been crashing with, then?

-Chazz. -Chazz?

-Chazz. -John, you don't even know Chazz--

Yes, I do. He's a great guy. We've been having a ball together.

All right, look, I wanted to come by here...

...and tell you that I feel really bad about everything that's happened between us.

Your friendship means a lot to me.

I miss seeing you.

I know, I....

Look, I'm happy for you. I'm glad you found someone.

I can't tell you how glad it makes me to hear you say that, man.

Get on in here, let the big bear get his paws on you.

You know I love you.

-It's good to see you. -Good to see you.

You sure you've been okay? This does not look like a guy who's okay.

-I know. It's like a pigsty. -It's like a mosh pit in here.

Listen, I'm getting married.

-Get out. -What?

-You just said that you were happy for me-- -I'm hanging by a thread.

I'm reading don't-kill-myself books.

-You said it wasn't yours. -Don't worry about the book.

It isn't mine, but I glanced at it.

John, you've been my friend for 1 6 years. I'm getting married.

I need you there to be my best man.

Kindly leave.

-I'm try-- -Kindly leave.

-It'd mean a lot to me if you came. -Oh, I bet it would, hillbilly.

What?

-White trash. -What are you talking about?

Out. Out.

You better get your ass to that wedding.

-Yeah? -Hi, is Chazz here?

Chazz, there's someone here to see you!

Pick up your fucking skateboard!

[MUSIC PLAYS ON TV]

[DOOR SLAMS]

Chazz?

What the fuck do you want?

I'm John Beckwith. I'm friends with Jeremy Grey.

Goddamn it, why didn't you say so?

Come here, brother. Give me a hug.

Bring it in for the real thing.

Have a seat. Yeah.

Goddamn you.

I almost numchucked you, you don't even realize.

Ouch.

Yeah.

-Is this your place? -No. No, no, no.

-No, I live with my ma. -Oh.

Yeah. You hungry?

Hey, Ma! Can we get some meatloaf?

Chazz, I think I'm okay. I had a bite right before I came over.

-Thank you. -You sure?

So how's my protégé?

-Jeremy, boy, he-- -Yeah, J-bone.

J-bone is-- Believe it or not, he's getting married.

What?

[LAUGHING]

What an idiot!

Oh, what a loser!

Good. Good. More for me and you.

More for-- More for, uh--

I gotta go.

CHAZZ: Hey, babe, yeah.

You do whatever you have to do.

-Thanks. -Okay, be strong.

I'm just living the dream.

[LAUGHING]

That's unbelievable.

Oh, man, I feel like, "Wow!"

It's like I come over, I don't know what to expect.

I gotta be honest, I come in, it's like-- A little like I'm trying to get my bearings.

There's cartoons, your mom, and it's like, you still got it!

Look at her. "Just living the dream," I love that.

I will have some meatloaf. Let's have some meatloaf.

-You want some? I knew you'd come-- -Yes.

Hey, Mom! The meatloaf!

We want it now! The meatloaf!

What is she doing? I never know what she's doing back there.

"Just living the dream." Where did you get that girl?

-She's hot. -I got her yesterday.

-Yesterday? -Yeah.

I rode my bike over to a cemetery nearby.

Her boyfriend just died.

-You met her at a funeral? -Yeah.

Dude died in a hang-gliding accident. What an idiot!

[LAUGHING]

Ahh! "I'm hang-gliding! Honey, take a good picture-- I'm dead!"

What a freak.

You met her at a funeral.

Yeah, I'll throw in a wedding every now and then, but funerals are insane.

The chicks are so horny, it's not even fair.

It's like fishing with dynamite.

-Horny? -Yeah, crazy horny.

I just-- At a funeral?

Grief is nature's most powerful aphrodisiac.

-Look it up. -I didn't know that.

That's what I've learned.

Ma, the meatloaf! Fuck!

Saturday-- I got one Saturday.

You're coming with!

Chazz, I'm sorry, I don't--

I'm not judging you, because I think you're an innovator...

...but there's no way I'm ready for that.

PRIEST: A time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted.

A time to kill and a time to heal.

A time to break down and a time to build up.

A time to weep and a time to laugh.

[SOBBING]

PRIEST: A time to cast away stones.... CHAZZ: It's so senseless.

Damn you, Roger.

Roger.

[CHAZZ CONTINUES SOBBING]

Oh!

Damn you, Roger!

Damn it! Damn you!

I'm in pain.

Try to fight it. Try to fight it.

I don't know about you people, but I'm in pain.

I know that there is no good in them...

...for man to rejoice and to do good in his life...

...for that which befalleth the sons of men, befalleth beasts.

Even one thing befalleth...

...as the one dieth, so dieth the other.

Yea, they all have one breath...

...so that a man hath no preeminence above the beast.

While each man thinks he knows love...

...love, we have learned, is a mystery.

That's what makes today so special.

We witness two people choosing to marry...

...ones they truly love.

[DOOR SLAMS]

Whoa, whoa, hey!

Hey! Hey!

He's the best man.

Yeah.

Thank you.

I don't believe this.

Hat in hand.

I'm sorry I'm late.

I'm glad you're here.

And I'm sorry I called you white trash. I didn't--

-John, apology accepted. -Okay.

And I'm sorry I called you a hillbilly, I don't even know what that meant.

John, it's okay.

Do you mind if I get married now?

-No, go ahead. [MOUTHING] Okay.

Hi, Todd.

Although we may choose whom we marry...

-...we don't always choose.... -Psst.

[WHISPERING] Claire, I'm not here to bother you, I just came to be his best man.

Don't worry about me. Pretend I'm not here.

[MOUTHING] Okay.

I'm not a nut.

You look really pretty, by the way. That's all I'm gonna say.

I can't stop thinking about you.

It's all I think about and I don't know what to do.

JEREMY: Ahem. -I'm sorry.

O'NEIL: You see, love is mysterious....

God, I miss you.

[WHISPERING] Okay, excuse me, I'm sorry.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Claire, hold it a second. Claire, Claire.

Claire, will you wait just a second?

All I wanted was a second alone so I could try to explain things.

But I've never gotten that chance.

Maybe I don't deserve it.

So here goes.

For longer than I care to remember, my business has been crashing weddings.

I crashed weddings to meet girls.

Business was good.

I met a lot of girls.

And it was childish, it was juvenile--

And pathetic.

Yeah, that's probably the best word to describe it.

But you know what? It also led me to you.

So it's hard for me to completely regret it.

And that person that you met back at your folks' place, that was really me.

Maybe not my name-- I'm John Beckwith, by the way.

--or my job...

...but the feelings we felt...

...the jokes, the stupid laughs, that was all me.

I've changed. I've realized something.

-I crashed a funeral earlier, and I-- -Wha...?

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Oh, Jesus.

It wasn't my idea. I was basically dragged to it.

I went with Chazz, who you forgot to tell me is totally insane.

He also might be a genius, because it actually does work. He's cleaning up.

CLAIRE: John. -I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

That's neither here nor there.

And I see this widow and she's a wreck.

She's just lost the person she loves the most in this world.

And I realized we're all gonna lose the people we love.

That's the way it is.

But not me, not right now.

Because the person I love the most is standing right here...

...and I'm not ready to lose you yet.

Claire, I'm not standing here asking you to marry me.

I'm just asking you...

...not to marry him.

And maybe take a walk.

Take a chance.

Wow. Wow!

This congregation really doesn't care about how depressing your life is, John, okay?

Claire, baby, could you go back up on the altar so we can have a wedding?

I'm sorry.

I am.

SACK: What?

I can't marry you.

[CHUCKLES]

Secretary...

...your daughter's a little....

Sack, I've always liked you...

...so I put up with your stories about scallops and otters...

...and it's all good because you seemed to make her happy...

...and that's what matters to me most.

But this is her decision.

I stand by my daughter.

You don't know shit.

-Claire, go back up on the altar. -No.

Claire! Claire, get up on that altar right now.

Stop it.

Claire, get your fucking ass on that altar right now!

Wow, getting a nice preview of what marriage is gonna be like...

...with Ike Turner here.

-Sack! -Oh, God, here it goes.

[GRUNTING]

[PEOPLE SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Share that with the Dalai Lama, jackass.

-I think I had him. -I know you did.

Just go kiss the broad.

[MOANING]

Would it be a total cliché if I kissed you right now?

Yes.

Just wonderful.

So damn beautiful.

With every death there comes rebirth.

-It's the circle of life. -Oh.

We're gonna be all right.

Hey.

[CRYING]

Hey.

[LAUGHING]

-So, what's next? -I'm starving.

Fujimora wedding, 3 p.m.

Hey, hey.

I'm just throwing it out there. I'm just saying, just....

They would have great tempura.

We don't even have a back-story, I just....

-No, forget it, forget it. -I'm talking out loud.

We're a folk-singing group from Salt Lake City.

Yeah.

Yes, we are.

[SCREAMING]


[ENGLISH SDH]