Weekend at Bernie's (1989) Script

Oh, God.

How are you, Richard? Hot enough for you?

Yeah.

Hey, what are you doing?

You dummy, why don't you watch where you are going?


Does this look like 10:00, or like 10:30?

Morning, Richard! Good morning.

You are a half hour late. Only a half hour?

I am usually 45 minutes late. I am early today.

I see.

Are you going to join me today or what? Coming.

Give me your money and your wallets.

Get your ass out of here. It is too hot.

Color me old-fashioned, Rich, but I just love the park on a Sunday.

I would love it more if we didn't have to work today. Come on, let's go.

Let me open that for you, all right?


Hot enough for you, Larry?

No, Harris, why don't you turn up the heat?

Okay. I'll tell the engineer.

Cheap bastards. Turn off the air conditioning on the weekends.


Let's go to the beach. No.

We are going to be here our whole lives. Yeah, I am afraid so.

I am going to the beach! Give me those papers.

The papers are going to the beach. We aren't going.

You want these? You're coming to the beach.

I guess we are going to the beach. Wilson at the line.

That was beautiful. Replay.

Give me those papers!

You think it's safe to go in the water? No, better not.

You just ate. You might get cramps. I'll risk it.

We'll get back to you with more tunes, but first we'll hear... the latest from Weather Central.

- What is happening out there, buddy? Sizzle, sizzle... as the Big Apple becomes the Baked Apple.

You better believe that these are...

Oh, Christ. Will you shut that thing off?

... continues before Labor Day weekend.

It is going to be the four "H's": hot, humid, hazy, and horrible.

This sucks. I am so unhappy.

We should be at a real beach. There are no more real beaches.

I mean we could go to Jones Beach and float around in the hospital waste.

Then again Coney Island is always real nice.

We could go there and watch the fish disintegrate in front of our eyes.

Wait a minute. Wait a goddamn... Hold the phone, buddy! I got it!

I got the $2 million. Where are your pages?

Get your pages.

Oh, my God! You are not going to believe what you see!

Okay. Turn to Page 28.

Right after 27.

Got it. All right? You got it?

I want you to turn to Page 41 now.

I got it. Check out line 18.

Okay? Yeah.

You see it? I see it.

What about it?

You are such a stupid piece of rat shit.

Hot!

Watch your step! I am being barbecued here!

All right. Okay. All right, buddy I am going to explain it to you real slow.

Good. Okay.

There's more than one check issued on the same life insurance policy claim.

One in December of '87, another in April of '88, and two more in June.

Making any sense? Yeah, he died four times.

Yes. According to this, he died four times.

So somebody screwed up. It wasn't us. Was it?

No. It wasn't us.

Don't you see? We just uncovered a $2 million error.

We're going to be heroes. We're going up the corporate ladder.

This is good for me. Yes, this is good for you.

It's good for me, too. I'll tell Lomax first thing in the morning.

What page is it? No, Larry. Let me tell him.

We'll both tell him. Okay. Great!

There is what's- her-name.

Stop staring at her.

You've not shut up about her for two months.

Ask her out already, will you? No. I don't know what to say.

She's a summer intern. She'll be gone in a week.

No, I've no idea what to say.

Say "Hi, I want to go out with you." I can't say that.

Why not?

Because there are too many people around.

It's New York City. There are always too many people.

Excuse me, miss.

Oh, shit.

Good weekend, Bob?

You going to say something? Shut up.

You are blowing it. Shut...

Please, shut up, all right?

Thank you.

Okay.

Try witty.

Say, "You know what would look good on you?"

"Me." Huh? Oh, please.

Richard, that is a very good line. Enough, look... if I wanted to talk to her, I'll talk to her. Talk to her.

Would you talk to her? Would you stop?

You want me to talk to her? Yes.

Okay. Shut up.

Excuse me.

My aunt is very sick.

What?

Nothing.

I don't believe this, she's...

Now, don't flagellate yourself over this, Richard.

It was a very good effort. You'll get her next time.

Why did I just say that? Larry, I don't even have an aunt.

So what?

Anything going on?

There are these messages.

And you are late for the creative sales meeting, Mr. Lomax.

Excuse us, Mr. Lomax. Let me get that, sir.

Sammy. Hank. How are you?

Richard Parker, sir.

Larry Wilson. Whatever.

There's nothing from a Doreena, a Martha, Judy?

No. Well, that's their tough luck.

Excuse us, Mr. Lomax. What?

There's something we would like to show you.

Wait. It's Monday morning. After lunch, right?

Quite a bit after lunch.

Shoo.


Yeah, I got it, François.

That's $2.

Rich.

Look at Lomax.

God.

My God. Look at her.

My God.

Jesus. That guy.

Beautiful apartment. House at the beach.

Babes. A boat. A car.

Do you know how much it costs to park a car in Manhattan every month?

More than my rent. I mean, it's only fair.

His car is a bit bigger than your apartment.

So my apartment is small. It's dark.

It's hot. It's in a high-crime area. Beats living with Mom and Dad.

All right. Enough. It's just until I can afford something decent.

Something without wall-to-wall cockroaches.

All I have to do is just keep setting my goals and working hard...

I'll be fine. You are so naive.

I'm sorry. Excuse me.

Go ahead. Oh, God.

I hope your aunt feels better.

What? I said...

She said, "I hope your aunt feels better."

My aunt? The sick aunt. Yes, she is fine.

They thought it was...

Either get on the elevator or get off.

I'll be back.

And I lose again.

I won. I have a date.

You are kidding. No.

Gwen and I, Thursday night, 8:00 p.m., dinner.

Fabulous. It was the clumsy approach. It worked.

You are going to want to borrow my apartment.

No, but thank you. That's sweet.

But I can't do that to you. Thank you.

If she finds out you live with your folks, you will embarrass yourself.

Yeah, I know, but I can't do that to you.

It is the cockroaches, isn't it?

Well... They scatter when the lights go on.

Mr. Parker, Mr. Lomax will see you now.

I feel lucky.

No, I only want the Maserati if it comes in that jet black.

Look, if you can't do it for me...

I'll just have to take my business to another dealer.

Yeah.

So paint it! I mean how hard can this whole thing be?

Right.

All right. See, that's better.

See how easy it is to do business with me?

No trade. Strictly cash.

Right.

All right. Good.

Gentlemen, what have you got for me?

As you may or may not know, Mr. Lomax...

Larry and I have been, I mean, working.

Where is he going? I don't know.

What are we supposed to do?

Bet that thing moves, huh? Jesus.

Put that back. It's a beautiful boat.

You gentlemen were saying...

Yes, well.

As you might have heard...

Larry and I have been reprogramming the accounts on the new computer system.

Right. Thanks.

Sir, it's a very big job.

A big job. We have been working hard.

A very big job.

I've been at it for quite some time. Weekends also.

Weekends, late, and... Why don't you show him?

Thank you.

We've got something you should know about.

Got them both there? Yes. Page 28 and 41.

You sure these figures are accurate?

Yes. Positive.

Yes, sir, Mr. Lomax.

Bernie.

Call me Bernie.

I mean my father is Mr. Lomax, right?

Okay, Bernie.

Yes, it's all there in black and white. We both worked on this one, Bern.

"E."

Bernie.

Papers. Right here, Bernie.

If anything has to go, I am glad it's my vision... and not the old joystick, you know what I mean?

That's computer ink, sir.

Oh, no, you are wrong. Look.

There are multiple checks issued because there were several policies written.

You didn't take into consideration that it's normal... especially when using a fluctuating COL index to combine... look here, a package containing short-term and straight life policies... in an overall insurance portfolio.

Now you are wasting my time.

Richard worked on that part, sir.

That is true, Bernie.

But if you were to look at the back page, where the policy indexes are... you'll notice that the remaining policies... are dated after the policy holder died, Bernie.

You are right.

You are absolutely right. Gentlemen, this is good work.

Very, very good work.

Thank you, Bernie.

I hate to say this, but it appears as if somebody is trying... to defraud the company. Perhaps we should check back records.

Somebody tried to smoke it past the wrong guy.

No smoking.

Gentlemen, how long have you two been working here?

Nineteen months and a week. I am not really sure.

A little longer, I think. Longer? I was here before you.

No, Richard. I trained you.

I came here in January, you came the end of May.

I trained you.

Whatever!

What I am saying is that I think there is a big future here... for a couple of bright fellows like yourselves.

Thank you.

But I'd like to go over these numbers with you... just to make sure that you've gotten everything.

The only trouble is if someone is trying to... like you said "smoke it past the wrong guy"...

I'd like to just keep it confidential.

I mean there is no sense sending up a bunch of red flags.

No, absolutely not.

If you would like, we'll work late.

Yes, I mean we'll work weekends. Weekends are very good for me.

Weekends. Good idea.

Give us plenty of time together, no distractions.

It is Labor Day.

I got an idea.

How would you two like to come to my house at the beach?

Me? Us?

Yeah. Hampton Island.

Ever been there? Well, you will love it.

When we're not working, there are distractions.

There are women, swimming, boating, famous people.

Well?

Love to! Okay.

Good! It's settled.

We are going to have a good time, I guarantee.

My secretary will write down the directions... give you the ferry schedule. The ferry schedule?

It's the only way to get there, unless you have a boat. I don't know.

I have never even been on a boat.

I was once on the Staten Island Ferry with my folks...

Whatever. You come out Friday night, you'll have a great time, I guarantee it.

I'll even drive you back to the city myself on Monday. Okay?

We don't know what to say, Bernie.

You don't have to say anything.

If you two uncovered what I think you uncovered... old Bernie here owes you both a great deal. I mean it sincerely.

Now get out of here. Go on.

He loves us.

The man absolutely loves us.

You have to kill them, Vito.

Let me explain something to you.

We don't do that anymore. We are a corporation now.

We are in the market. We invest.

Real estate. Car rentals. Parking lots.

Parking lots. That's good.

I understand that, but... Didn't I order the walnut dressing?

Yes, you did. Taste that.

Does that taste anything like walnut dressing? Tell me.

This is the raspberry vinaigrette.

Should I have Paulie go and talk to the chef?

This goddamn raspberry vinaigrette...

Excuse me, Vito.

I know how important food is to you, I mean...

But we've got a problem here.

I give problems. I don't get problems.

How do you propose to handle it?

Let's make it a murder-suicide job. All right?

Okay, gentlemen?

I'll plant some money, fake a note, and they can take the rap and...

I won't even have to change the books.

What do you think?

I like it. It's creative.

I am a little rusty. But it'll come back to me.

Okay.

Do it. This is good.

I mean this is really good. Good.

I think we are going to have some fun.

I have to get going. I really do. What, no dessert?

They do a wonderful crème brûlée here. It's delicious.

No, gentlemen, I really must be going. Thanks for dinner, Vito.

I got to go powder my nose.

Forget the accident with the two guys.

Take care of Lomax.

He's getting too careless... too greedy.

Besides... he's screwing my girlfriend.

But you said we were going to spend the weekend at the beach!

You heard the conversation. What am I supposed to do about it?

Bernie. What?

I told Vito I was going to spend some time with my mother!

I have to see you, Bernie.

Cut it out.

What's wrong with you? Wait a minute. What?

I have an idea. What?

You are on, 9:00 Friday night. I'll be at the apartment.

Just use your key. All right?

I'll wear something special.

I bet you never had sweet and sour matzo balls before.

No.

I am glad you finally asked me out. You are?

I wish you had asked me out sooner.

Today was my last day at work. I am going back to college.

We could still have this weekend together, right?

I am spending it with my folks.

Are your folks in town? No.

Is this the intimate evening I promised you, or what?

You think there's anywhere we could go to just sit and talk... and not have to scream and get run over by garbage trucks?

Hey, want to throw her in? How you doing?

I'd invite you to my apartment, but I have five roommates.

And they are all at home doing their hair right now.

That's a lot of hair. But it's clean. I like that.

It's either that or living with my parents, and I don't think that's a good idea.

I can't blame you. Who'd want to live with their folks? That's no good.

Do you have any roommates? No. Roommates? No. None.

Why don't we go to your place?

Come on, baby. You're not a woman. Are you? Tell me the truth.

Okay.

Why are you tiptoeing?

Because...

the people who live downstairs, they're very light sleepers.

They get angry when I walk.

Why are you whispering?

Am I? Yes.

I am. That's because of the walls. They are too thin.

Make yourself at home. Thank you.

Look at this teak. I mean this whole apartment.

Sort of '60s style.

Yeah. I know. I've been meaning to redo that for years.

No, I love it. I mean, it's very hip.

I think you have done the place beautifully.

I like it. It's home.

You know, it's a side of you I never would have expected.

I'm very impressed.

Are you? Yeah.

About what?

This apartment has got to be expensive.

So obviously you could have taken me to some flash restaurant instead of that...

Is "dump" the word you are groping for?

You didn't like Hymie's Hunan?

It's a four-star dive. It was great. I loved it.

It's just that some men would try to impress women by... pretending to be something they are not.

I absolutely agree. That's a terrible way to begin a relationship.

Pretending to be something you are not.

Oh, God.

You don't have to answer this if you don't want to... but how do you afford a place like this?

I don't like to brag.

I just feel uncomfortable showing off my money... but I've made some wise investments. I dabble in the stock market.

And of course my parents were rather well off.

Do you want to sit?

They passed away?

Yes.

They must have been young.

Oh, yeah.

I feel I can trust you.

They were in a train accident.

Yeah, I mean I don't know what it was with trains... but they just always liked to travel in trains.

I am sorry.

How awful for you. Yeah.

You know, I always thought trains were so much safer than planes.

Well, actually, a plane... fell on the train.


Richard. Gwen.

There's a man in his underwear in your kitchen.

He's... He's with me.

He's my butler. But...

You have a butler? Yeah. Don't get him started.

He'll just go away if you just be quiet.

Sorry. I didn't realize you had company.

Good evening, young lady.

That's all right, Monroe.

Yes, will you, please, just go lay out my navy blue suit for the morning?

Please.

How about if I lay you out? Very well.

You let your butler talk to you like that? Well, he is a vet.

He has got a steel plate in his head.

Gwen, it's not what you think.

Goodbye, Richard.


I'll grab the bow line.

Hey, Skeet. How are you doing? Hey, Mr. Lomax.

Here you go, my friend. Buy yourself a girlfriend.

Where have you been, Candy?

Hey, Bernie. How about a drink? A little bit later.

Yo, Bernie. The cocktail flag is up. A little bit later.

Booze and women. That is my lifestyle and I love it!

And I!


George, how are you? Nice to see you, Mr. Lomax.

What are you doing here? I fired you last week.

I just want my $90, okay? Bullshit!

You drank my liquor and the toilets still don't work.

I don't want to see you.

Get out of here!

You come back again, I am going to call the cops!

You son of a bitch.

I am sorry. I think she needs a little B-12. Whatever.

This is Bernie. Leave a message, I'll get right back to you.

Goodbye, Mr. Lomax. Bye.

Hello?

Hey, Lomax. It's Paulie. I just got to the island.

You are early.

Those schmucks are not coming until the 6:00 ferry... and I still have to plant the note. Yeah.

So where is your house?

It's on the point, top of the dune.

Look, Paulie, don't kill them while I am around.

Bernie, we are on a phone here.

Right. You are right. Okay, I am sorry.

The point is, I just want to be back in New York with an alibi, okay?

Yeah. Don't worry about it.

Oh, God!

Rich. It is leaving. Come on!

I told you we should've taken a taxi from the station.

There's another boat in a half hour. We'll miss the parties.

We got it. Excuse me.

Sorry. Coming through.

Don't be ridiculous! What are you doing? We are not jumping on this boat!

Do you hear me? Here we go!

Listen to me, Larry, we are not jumping on this boat!

Jesus Christ! My elbow! Piece of cake!

Thanks, pal.

This ferry isn't leaving. It's docking.

Okay. We're early. You schmuck.

What is your name? What is your name?

Larry. Hi, Larry. I am Michelle.

Come on! Lighten up there, Rich! We are on our way!

I am so depressed. I made a fool out of myself last night.

Of course you did.

I should've stayed home. What are you talking about?

We've been summoned to the mountain top. This is good for your career.

You know, by the time this weekend is over, I promise you won't even remember... what's- her-name's name. I'll get you a drink. Come on.

Look, I'll see you later.

Goodbye, young man. Nice talking to you.

That is good. This is very good.

I did not hear you come in. I know.

I am real good at that.

I told you the guys aren't here yet, didn't I? You did.

Good. Quite a shack you have here.

It's home.

Can I have a cigarette?

Cigarette.

Sure.

What was...

Quite a ride, huh, Bern?


Glorious day out, or what?

Where's Bernie?

I got it right here. It says it's the last house on the point, top of the dune.

Pardon me, Monsignor, sir, could you tell me where the top of the dune is?

Bless you, my son. Thank you, Father.

Look, we'll find it. Okay.

You know, it's an island, right? How hard can it be?

Excuse me. Is this the way to...

Yo, is this Bernie Lomax's house? Sure is.

Wow.

Holy shit. Look at this.

Come on, Rich.

Oh, beautiful.

Oh, my God. He has got a pool.

He has got a goddamn pool at the beach. It's heated.

I love this man.

This is inspiring. Look at this view.

I am getting laid. Sure beats Coney Island.

What? Should we just walk in?

No, we'll stand out here all weekend. Come on, we are houseguests.

Hello! Bernie, we are here.

Amazing.

I am home.

Excellent.

Admit it. You are glad you came. Okay, I admit it.

We got three days of this ahead of us. Oh, yeah. This is something.

I mean a place like this must go for what, a $1.6 million, $1.7 million. Unfurnished.

Good God! That's a Lichtenstein! What? Where?

Not the piano. The painting. It's an original.

Of course it is.

All of this could be yours, if you set your goals and work hard.

My old man worked hard. All they did was give him more work.

Hey, is Bernie around?

Hello. No, haven't seen him. But we just got here.

We're going to be here all weekend. We are houseguests.

Tell him Tawny borrowed his boat to go skiing.

Hi, Tawny. I am horny.

Hi. Look, don't forget to tell Bernie, okay? Okay.

Tawny, you wouldn't happen to know where Bernie is, would you?

He's probably making the rounds.

Everybody parties from house to house, but they always end up here. Bye!

And you didn't want to come. I admit it, I was wrong.

Oh, my God.

Nothing but champagne and caviar. Pierre Jouët.

This guy is my idol.

Don't open that. Why not?

We are houseguests, come on. You want some?

No, thanks. This is strange. Where's our host?

You heard Tawny. He's out partying. Come on.

Let's check out the rest of this joint.

This is fabulous.

I found him. Mr. Lomax.

Bernie! How are you doing? Great place.

I hope you don't mind, but we just walked in. We didn't know that you...

Bernie?

He's sleeping.

Yeah.

It's not even dark out and he's out of his skull.

He's been working awfully hard, you know.

Don't slap him. That's your boss.

I know. He's meditating.

He's not. He's like dead, man. Come on, let's walk him around.

We'll get the blood circulating.

There we go. Okay, this way.

Here we go.

That's it. Move those feet, Bernie. That's a boy.

Here you go. Get him up.

Carry your weight, here, Richard.

Come on, Bernie.

Move those feet. He's giving me a hernia.

I am losing him. Put him on the couch.

We can't just leave him like this, you know. Come on, Bernie.

Get your hand off me, Bernie.

I'll make the coffee.

Don't you worry, Mr. Lomax, we'll make you some coffee, fix you right up.

Tell you what, let's just make you a little more comfy.

That is better. There you go.

You are dropping things right out of your pocket here.

You want to come in here for a minute?

Yeah, look, Rich, is instant okay? That's fine.

Good. What? Look what I found in his pocket.

Wow.

Jesus.

I never knew he was into the drug scene.

God. Look how much is here.

This is not recreational. This is a career.

This man needs some help. You know that?

If he's not careful, he's going to wake up dead.

I watch 20/20. I know the statistics.

I read.

What? Larry, Lomax is dead.

He can't be.

Why do these things always happen to me?

What kind of a host invites you to his house for the weekend and dies on you?

Why would he do this? I mean, he had everything.

A house. Cars. Women.

This is tragic.

I don't understand why he couldn't wait until Monday to kill himself.

Look. We have to call the police.

And how am I going to get back to the city? He promised me a ride.

Knock it off, Larry. Who cares about a ride? We are talking death here.

I mean this is just my luck.

I finally catch a break at the office... finally see some light at the end of the tunnel and wham! Gone!

Wait a minute. What am I going to tell them?

They might think we had something to do with it.

I told everyone we were going to Bernie's house for the weekend.

They were so jealous. I mean, I loved it.

Now what am I going to tell them? I don't know.

Bernie, you should have been on the court.

What a great day. Do you see him?

Where are you?

Bernie, baby, get off your ass. It's party time!

You should have been out there sailing with us today.

The sun was fabulous, the wind was fabulous, we had a great time.

Hi, guys. Hi.

Love you, darling, just love you. You know, you could use a little sun.

We are going again tomorrow if you want to go.

Lie on the deck, catch those rays. Don't worry. I'll help myself.

He's dead.

That's the idea, isn't it? Cheers.

Hi, Bern!

Hey, Bernie.

Hi, Bernie.

Hey, dude. You need to pump some iron.

So, Bernie. What about your Porsche?

Had a chance to think about my offer?

You know, $30,000 is a more than decent price for that car.

You just think about it, take your time, don't rush into anything. See you later.

Excuse me.

You promised me a review... on the front page of the Sunday Times book section.

I know, Alice, but he won't bend on it.

He says there's no interest in the subject matter.

Pardon me. What's the book about?

Whether Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were secretly married.

Eyes, nose, and breasts. How much?

A little tuck here, little sand there, a little lift there.

Do I need that much?

These people. Where did all these people come from?

Floating party. Happens every weekend.

Like a drink? No, thanks.

Yeah, I'd love some champagne, thanks.

Hey, Bernie. What a radical party.

Got to move your workout to late tomorrow afternoon, B.

Liza's maid is over for the weekend, and I had to give her your regular time.

Thanks, Klaus. I got it.

See you, Bern.

Feels good, eh, Bern? You are really loose.

Never seen you this relaxed before. Keep it up.

I've got to go. Duty calls.

Hey, babe.

Hi, Bernie. I hear you got something for me.

A little present.

Playing games, are we?

It's got to be in here somewhere.

I think I found something.

Thanks a lot, Bernie.

Doesn't anyone realize he's dead?

Okay, Bernie, I'm going to shoot the wad.

I can't believe I'm doing this. I am going to go $40,000.

No? You'll be begging me.

We have to call the police.

Here.

Some of the biggest producers. Yeah?

Hello, is this the police? Yes...

I got an idea.

I know it's going to sound funny, but just hear me out.

No, why is the hair on the back of my neck starting to stand up?

Okay, now, we could call the police, we could do that... but you know where we'd be spending our weekend... in some hot police station answering questions we don't know the answers to.

Now, obviously Bernie felt he owed us something here... some small little favor for discovering those mistakes at the company.

That's why he invited us out here for the weekend in the first place.

It'd be almost disrespectful not to grant him his final wish.

All I am saying is, why don't we just pretend he didn't die?

Just for a bit?

I don't believe I am hearing this.

I loved that man. He loved me.

I know he loved you.

He'd want this.

I mean he would really want this.

Yes, Operator, can you get me the police, please? Thank you.

Incidentally, you're a disgusting human being.

Gwen.

Well, hello, Gwen. Wayne. Hi.

Hampton Bay Police Department.

Hello?

It's amazing.

- Hello. Police department. I'll call the police.

No, you know, you were right. Bernie would have wanted it this way.

No, I think we should call the police.

Larry, just give me 10 minutes, okay?

Take 20.

Hi. Hi, Freda.

Darling, you look wonderful.

$45,000.

Plus free tennis lessons. That's it, take it or leave it.

Is this guy a tough negotiator or what?

Keep the piece of shit.

What a bash.

You animal. You are insatiable.

You slay me, Bernie.

I've got to talk to you. Bernie is a little wasted right now.

Hi. Wait. Okay.

I can't blame you if you never want to speak to me again.

If I were you, I wouldn't want to speak to me, either.

But I just want to tell you I am sorry for being such a jerk last night.

I don't know what got into me. I hope you can forgive me.

It was kind of funny, seeing your father in his underwear and everything.

So you do forgive me? No, but it was kind of funny.

I'll never lie again. Honest.

So what are you doing here?

Mr. Lomax invited me and my friend Larry for the weekend.

Moving up in the company? Yeah.

I saw this great play. Yeah, it's called...

You are on your own for a minute here.

Great writer.

Well, hello.

I'm Larry.

Fuck off, Larry.

Okay.

By the way, how's your aunt?

Who? Your aunt?

She passed away. I'm sorry.

It's all right.

Didn't you say you'd be spending this weekend with your parents?

Yes, I did. I am. They have a house here. Great.

There's Bernie. I wanted to thank him for my summer job.

I'll be right back.

No!

What?

Nothing.

Go see Bernie about it. Go see Bernie.

Gwen, darling, how are you? Fine, thank you.

Have I ever told you I never liked the name Gwen on you?

To me you'll always be Vanessa.

Her father and I, we went to Harvard together.

You are probably right. Oh, Bernie.

Here we go, sugar, move it over! Okay, baby?

Asshole!

I don't understand why we've to move him. Don't ask. Just move him.

Here we go. Ready?

I can't believe I'm touching a dead body. He was your boss. Come on, let's go.

What a kidder. Bernie, you had a little too much.

Come on, you had too much again, you big knucklehead.

Come on, let's go.

Come on. He is crazy.

Here we go. Walk it off, big guy.

Nice outfit.

Look even nicer crumpled up on my floor in the morning.

Polyester doesn't crumple.

Here we go. That's it, Bernie. Hi, Bernie.

Just like last week, huh? Come on.

All right. Okay.

Look me in the eye. $50,000.

Yes! I knew it! Thank you, Bernie!

Thank you so much. This guy is like family.

You are beautiful!

Grab him. Larry.

Jesus. Oh, God.

Hi, boys. Great view. Hello, there. How are you?

I give it an 8.3.

We can't just leave him there, you know.

Girl. Beach. Sand. Surf. Moonlight. Did you ever see Here to Eternity?

You are right. We better get him.

Thirty minutes. Then we call the cops. Not a second more.

Ladies, how are you?

Hi.

Hi.

Are we allowed to talk or anything?

Why did you leave the party?

I just don't feel comfortable with most of those people.

I don't really know any of those people. I just know, knew, know Bernie.

Besides, I figure I can thank Bernie tomorrow.

When there's more privacy.

Where are we going? There's a beautiful view from up there.

Great.

Ever been in a lighthouse before?

No, this is my first time. This is great.

Does anybody live up there? A lighthouse keeper or someone?

No, It's all automated now. Come on.

That takes some of the romance out of it.

Does it?

You all right? Yeah.

You're right. This is beautiful.

My God. You can see the whole island from up here.

I've always wondered how these things work.

Richard, don't.

I can't see. Watch out for the trap... door.

Oh, my God.

That one works. Richard.

Are you okay? I'm fine.

Are you sure? I fell down a couple of stairs.

Anything broken? Nothing's broken.

Are you sure? A little pain, but I'm all right.

I'm fine. How are you? I'm good.

Here. Hold on.

The good news is, I can see again.

I'm so sorry, Richard. No, it's okay, really.

I've always wanted a limp.

I must thank you. This has been a great date.

I hope my major medical covers it.

What?

I'm sorry. I don't mean to laugh... but the look on your face when you fell through the trapdoor.

I think I've got a cracked rib.

Do you want to sit down? No.

No, I better not. The way things are going, I'm gonna break my ass.

You'll be okay.


I've had a crush on you since the first day I saw you at work.

I'm crazy about you.

This is so right.

Oh, my God. This can't be happening to me.

It's happening to both of us. You're right. It's so right.

No. This isn't right, it's all wrong. Not here in the sand.

What? You deserve more than this.

You need music, flowers, candles. You need...

You need to get out of here.

Are you kidding me? No, I'm serious. You could catch a cold.

Where do you live? Dune Walk.

Are you dead, too?

Mister? Hello?

Oh, Jesus. What is it with this place?

How are you? Party's over. You have to go home now.

Where's Bernie? He's swimming.

I had a wonderful time. I'm sorry I had to leave so early.

Have fun. See you at the next one. Larry!

Larry, are you in there?

Come on out, Lar. Right now. Go away.

I need to talk to you.

Can you just give me 30 seconds?

Bernie is waiting for us.

Look, Bernie isn't going anywhere, okay? I need you, Lar.

Bernie, he needs you, too.

Unbelievable.

How am I supposed to know that the tide is gonna come up that high?

I don't want to talk about it.

I don't understand why this is becoming all my fault.

Did you invite somebody over? Of course not.

Somebody's here.

Let's just shove him in the bedroom, we'll say he's sleeping.

Bernie, you cheat.

Two-timer.

Bernie, open up.

Darn you, Bernie.

Don't do this to me.

Where the hell are you, you son of a bitch?

I got you now, you two-timing bastard.

Who the hell are you? Where's Bernie?

We're Bernie's houseguests. Who are you?

I'm his woman.

And I'll kill him if he's cheating on me. Now, where the hell is he?

And don't try to cover up for him, either.

He's not here. Haven't seen him.

I don't believe you.

I'm gonna tear this place apart.

That's his woman? I guess so.

Where the hell is he?

He's in the bedroom. Is that so?

He better be alone.

God damn it.

Fun while it lasted, huh?

What difference does it make, we might as well get this over with.

This is good. She discovers the body, she calls the police.

Fix me a drink, will you?

I hate it when they scream.


Oh, no!

What gives? She has been up there, what, I don't get it.


Got a little scotch?

Sure.

Did everything go okay up there? Never been better.

Good.

How do you like that? The guy gets laid more dead than I do alive.

No, she couldn't have.

He couldn't have.

I get yelled at when I just lay there.


Vito, I'm telling you, Lomax is alive. She was with him for at least half an hour...

- in the bedroom. What were they doing in the bedroom?

I'd rather not say.

What the hell happened to Paulie?

Yeah, maybe Paulie is rustier than we thought, huh?

What a night. Great, isn't it? It isn't over yet.

It is for me. I'm dead. No offense, Bernie.

I just gotta lie down for a minute.

Suit yourself. Whatever you like. I'm going on to find the next party.

Just wake me up when you get back. Okay, sure.

Whatever you like. Because I got to call the cops.

Of course you do. In the morning. I need a clear head.

Good night, buddy.

Don't forget. Wake me up.

I made these a little sweeter this time. Okay, Bernie?

God, it's glorious out, huh?

Here we go, my friend.

This should do it.

Okay.

How did you deal with?

Oriental? I think I own that one.

With hotel.

$550.

Give me $600, we'll call it square.

Hey, Bernie, Larry.

Great party last night, Bernie. Your best ever.

Ladies. Hello. How are you today?

Great. Fine.

Are we doing it again today? Absolutely. You know we are.

Great. We'll see you later, guys. Bye-bye.

Bye-bye, ladies. We'll see you later.

Is this great or what?

Okay, coming out. My turn.

Shooter now.

Yes! Free parking. $500 for me.

Bastard!

I own it. Okay, that is $24...

I own them all. $46, my friend. Call it $50.

Thank you. My turn. Here we go.

Lucky seven coming out.

Shit.

One more you get out of jail free. All right. Fine. Your turn. I'll roll.

Here we go. Coming out.

Community Chest.

Second prize in a beauty contest.

What are you doing? Playing Monopoly. You want to play?

No. Here we go.

How did he get down here? He walked.

He walked? Say good morning.

Oh, God. You're just a sick man, Larry.

What time is it? It's 11:30.

You let me sleep till 11:30? I have...

When did you get a Rolex? Oh, this.

Good God! He didn't need it anymore.

That's it. We're gonna go to jail. They're gonna arrest us.

I'm calling the cops. I wanted to call them yesterday, my friend.

He's very upset. Richard, look.

Let me just say one thing here. There's no reason to get pissy about this.

Hello.

Richard? It's for you.

Gwen. Hi.

What are you doing here?

I just came by to talk to Bernie. I didn't get a chance to last night, so...

Oh, no. Bernie and I are in a very big business meeting.

Now? Yes.

Bernie has such little time, so can you come back later?

Wait a minute. What happened to Mr. Romantic?

Candlelight? Flowers? I know. But Bernie is tied up right now.

It's a bad time. What is going on, Richard?

Okay. I'll tell you.

I probably shouldn't, I know I shouldn't, but... at this point, why not? Mr. Lomax is...

my boss. I work for him at the insurance company.

Bernie, you're starting to peel.

Better get you out of the sun, huh?

Here we go.

We were really looking forward to coming out here... when we got here, Mr. Lomax...

Bernie was...

dead.

Dead.

Like your mother and father were dead. And your aunt is dead, too?

Different kind of dead.

You son of a bitch. I got you.

Then how come I saw Bernie with you and your friend at the party?

Because...

You don't believe me?

Okay, I'm gonna prove it to you. Come on.

This is not going to be fun.

I know you think I'm crazy, but...

Well?

Where is Bernie?

Oh, hello.

Where's Bernie? He went for more daiquiri mix.

No, he didn't.

Richard, I don't know what this game is you're playing... but this is ridiculous.

I'm out of here. Gwen, I'm not playing any games with you.

I'm telling you the truth! Bernie is here.

Where is Bernie?

What, you bastard, did you do with Bernie?

I'm phoning the police.

There's no dial tone. With 97 buttons...

- Where is your house? Where is the off button?

Look, Paulie, just don't kill them while I'm around.

- Bernie, we're on a phone here. You're right.

Play that back. I just got it stopped.

Play it back, please.

Hey, Lomax, it's Paulie. I just got to the island.

You're early.

Those two schmucks won't come until the 6:00 ferry...

- and I still have to plant the note. Yeah.

- Where is your house? It's on the point, top of the dune.

Look, Paulie...

- don't kill them while I'm around. Bernie, we're on the phone here.

You're right. I'm sorry.

The point is, I just want to be back in New York with an alibi.

Don't worry about it.

We were on the 6:00 ferry.

And we're two schmucks.

Kill us? Lomax?

Bernie is gonna have us killed?

Kill us?

Why? I don't know.

Unless he's the one whose been stealing from the company.

Son of a bitch. He's gonna kill me!

I liked the guy.

Okay.

He said something about a note, right?

I know, Richard. Let's find it.

Bernie, you lying swine.

Holy crap!

What?

There's a $100,000 here easy. This is the note. Listen.

"Richard Parker and I stole this money from the company...

"to pay for my sex change operation." What?

That's what it says.

"Now he tells me he loves someone else. I can't live with that, and neither will he."

It's got my name on it.

Oh, God.

Son of a bitch. It's not bad enough that he's trying to kill me... now he's turning me into a drag queen.

Why couldn't he say you were having the operation?

It doesn't matter. It does matter, Richard.

I've a reputation to protect here. For Christ's sakes, Larry!

No one is going to have a sex change operation.

Oh, yeah!

I got to call the cops.

- Operator. Operator, the police, please.

You mean Ed? He's out on the beach somewhere.

When do you expect Ed back? It's a bit of an emergency.

I don't know. Wanna leave a message?

- Yeah. Help! Okay.

Let's get out of here.

We have to get off this island, and maybe not get killed doing it.

Wait a minute. Tell me you have a brilliant idea.

I have an idea. What is it?

Lomax told whoever he was talking to not to kill us if he's around, right?

But Lomax is dead. He isn't around anybody anymore.

I know that. You know that.

Nobody else knows that.

Where's Bernie?

Right there.

There's no Bernie.

He's gotta to be, Rich. I dumped him here myself.

Where is he?

Larry. What?

Excuse me. Hey, kid.

What are you doing? What do you want?

You little brat! What are you doing?

Get out of there.

What the hell are you doing? You can't do that.

This is private property.

You're talking to me? Yeah.

Shut up. Who are you... You lousy...

You better be gone by the time we get there.

Scram! Get out of here! You little bastard.

How'd you like to kiss this?

We have bigger problems. Kiss my ass.

What kind of home training is that? He buried all of Bernie.

Jesus.

Come on.

Good thing for you, you're dead, pal. I actually felt sorry for you, you rat shit.

He looks good enough. Let's go.

Larry. What?

Jesus.

I never knew he wore a toupee. You can hardly tell.

Who cares? What are we gonna do about it? We can't take him out like this.

The killer might not know it's Bernie and shoot us.

So long, Lar, it has been fun but not really. Goodbye, Rich.

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is...

Jesus.

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is...

You little bastard.

Get back here, you little monster. Never mind him.

I'm gonna rip your gums out!

I'm gonna get that little kid. What are we gonna do with Bernie?

Oh, boy.

Come on, Bernie. Up.

Put it on him.

Brilliant.

Sambuca on the rocks. Yes, sir.

Here we go. Ready. Up.

You take him down. I'll get the cart.

Hey, Bernie!

Bernie, wait a minute.

That guy talking to us? Who cares? Get out of here.

Bernie, I've got to talk to you.

Bernie, come on.

Hey, Bernie. Looking good. Hi.

Hi, Bernie. Hello.

Great party last night, Bern. How are you?

Bernie, I've got to talk to you.

Jesus. He's behind us.

Shit! Is that the killer?

How do I know, Richard? Should I stop and ask him?

No. Just drive. Just go.

Bernie, I gotta talk to you.

Doesn't this thing go any faster? This is it.

We gotta talk.

What about our arrangement?

Come on, Larry. Move it.

Hey, Bernie. The Maserati. I painted it black for you.

The Maserati!

Ferry's gonna leave.

Hold it. Wait. Stop this for a second.

Let's go.

Rich, grab him. Grab a leg.

Wait.

We can't just drag him in. He's got to look like he's alive.

Idea.

Your right leg on three, ready? Here we go. One, two, three, go.

Hold the boat!

Got it? Hold the boat.

Hold that boat.

Hold it.

Hi, Bern. How are you doing?

Hold the boat!

Hold the boat, please.

Hold on. We'll be right there.

We're coming.

Come on, Bern.

Hold it. Hold the boat.

Shit! What do we do?

Stop the boat.

Look at this fool. He wants to get off, we want to get on.

I'm gonna kill you. What?

You don't have to worry about anybody else murdering you... because I'll do it. This was all your fault.

We'll die on this crummy island. Let me remind you... you're the one who did the extra work on the computer.

If it wasn't for me you'd be fired six months ago.

You can't even work the coffee machine.

A little brownnosing, ass kissing, to work our way up that corporate ladder.

Why can't you be a lazy shit like I am?

Somebody talk to the captain.

I've got to get off the boat.

Let's go. I'm sorry.

Please.

Somebody talk to the captain.

I'm sorry, but we're still gonna die. Not if Bernie's with us.

Great, I hope the killer keeps that in mind.

Larry, please tell me how we're going to get off this island.

We got a boat. What boat?

Lomax's boat.

Tawny brought the keys back, remember? Right. Okay.

You go and get them, I'll stay here with Bernie.

I'm not going anywhere without Bernie.

You go back, get the keys. I'll stay with Bernie.

We'll all go back to the house. We'll all get the goddamn keys.

We'll all stay with Bernie. Fine.

Hurry up.

Move it.

Hold up.

Okay. The keys.

Here they are. Got it. Let's go.

Oh, my God, Richard!

It's the killer.

Get the door.

Quiet.

Lock it. I can't lock it.

I only have a key to the boat.

Kitchen.

There's no door. Back door. Okay.

Don't panic.

Do something, Rich.

I got Bernie, you get the guy.

Do something, Rich.

Get him, Rich.

You in here, Lomax? You little bastard.

You jerk.

Kick me in the ass.

It's my turn now.

Got him, Lar.

There's another one.

He's got a knife.

Mr. Lomax.

What the hell?

You can come out now, Rambo. You sure, Rich?

Good job.

Two killers. Anybody could be the killer.

Jesus, we gotta get rid of them. Let's shove them in the kitchen pantry.

I don't know why I have to carry the heavy guy.

Get his legs.

Larry, let me out.

Here comes Bernie.

Coming through!

There it is. Stop.

Hi, guys.

Ready? On three, here we go. One, two, three.

Let's go.

Okay. Untie us.

Okay?

Give me the keys. Have you ever driven a boat before?

I was born on a boat.

This is a fancy boat.

Push something. I am, Richard.

Nothing's happening. I know.

Push something else. Something's happening.

Something's definitely happening here, huh?

Wait a minute, hold on.

Are you trying to give me a heart attack?

I know it's here. Just keep pressing those buttons.

I'm pressing. I pressed that button.

Nothing is happening, Larry. I know that.

Did you try the key? Don't insult my intelligence.

Try the key again. Fine.

See that?

Here we go! We're going home. Give it some gas now.

Giving it gas.

Gas.

Nothing's happening. More gas.

A little more gas.

We're not moving. Why aren't we moving?

I don't know.

Larry, you said you've done this before. It's different than my boat, okay?

Don't panic.

Stop the boat, Larry.

Stop!

Back it up.

We got it.

What's going on? That's illegal.

What you're doing is illegal. You have a nice day now.

Are you nuts?

Got it now. Moving forward. Hold on. Oh, shit!

Sorry, Rich. Coming back.

Coming around.

Why is this happening to me?

Coming back.

Here we are. Stop the boat. Idiot.

Stop the boat!

Where are the brakes? Boats don't have brakes, Captain.

You're kidding. How do they stop?

Throw the anchor.

The anchor, throw it.

They're headed for us. Here we go.

Whatever you're doing, don't.

Sorry.

You broke my watch.

Mine still works.

You better put that thing back on the dead body.

Drive the boat, Richard.

The cops are gonna take our fat heads to jail.

My God. Look at them.

Ladies, how are you?

Hello, Betty.

God! Just once, I'd like a woman like that.

Let's party.

Turn the boat.

Watch the fishermen.

Watch the wake! Duck!

Watch the wake, Richard!

This is tougher than it looks.

You're doing very well, Richard.

Sorry I snapped at you. It's okay.

I've never been chased by a killer before.

It's all right. You're doing very well.

Why is everybody waving at us? I'm popular.

I see.

Hey, Bernie, showing off again?

Oh, God. What the hell are those things?

Those are obviously channel markers.

Obviously.

Okay, wise ass, do you know what side I'm supposed to pass on?

That I don't know. Just stay close. What else can happen here?

I've got no idea.

Serpentine. Is that close enough?

Do you hear something?

There it's again. Yeah.

I wonder what that is. What is that?

Man overboard. What?

Stop the boat.

He's got nice form.

I don't know. I'm trying to drive a boat.

You're doing well. Trying to get us off this island of hell.

You had maybe one job to do. Watch a dead body.

Well, let's not argue about it. Jesus.

You were the one who tied him up. Don't blame this all on me.

Oh, my God. What?

You've lost my sunglasses.

What are you doing?

I haven't got a clue.

I don't believe this.

What?

We're out of gas.

Paddling in the Atlantic Ocean... on a dead body. I'm getting swimmer's ear.

This is now the perfect weekend.

It started when I almost broke my leg jumping on a moving ferry.

I get to this beautiful beach and my host... Sorry, he's dead.

Hampton Island.

Checkers. Excuse me, sir. Is this your launch?

Come on, let's go. Don't rush.

Come on.

Can you put a little snap in it, fellows? Okay, Cappy.

Hold on, you damn fool.

I fell down a lighthouse. I had a corpse wash up... next to me on the shore.

And then I find out that my dead boss is not only a thief, he wants to kill me.

I almost drown.

The girl of my dreams now thinks I'm a raving lunatic.

You mean what's- her-name?

And, now, we're going back to the house of death.

Great weekend, huh? Great weekend!

Just get here as fast as you can. Thanks, Ed.

Police is on the way.

Can just lock ourselves in until they get here?

I hate it when he stares at me like that.

Let's go.

Put him in his bathroom.

Bernie's picked up a little weight. What do you expect?

He's been soaking in the ocean for two hours.

Made a damn good float though.

Are you in here?

It's Gwen.

Hi, Gwen.

You've got to be the weirdest guy I've ever met.

You told me Bernie was dead, right?

I just saw you with him.

What's your explanation this time?

I don't mean to be rude, but get the hell out of here.

No, I'm not going anywhere until you tell me what is going on.

Listen to me!

You're in danger here, leave unless you want to get shot.

Lomax is dead, somebody is trying to kill us.

Can we stay at your house until the cops come or what?

It's just Bernie.

Gwen, listen to me.

We didn't do this to him. Do we look like we could kill someone?

Honey, have a drink, relax. You'll be fine.

Let me rephrase that. Do I look like I could kill someone?

What is going on in there?

Which one of you bastards hit me? Son of a bitch.

You want to get your butt kicked?

I can explain.

Company.

I didn't see anything. I was looking at my watch.

I'm blind.

It's empty.

That's right. But this ain't.

Run!

Move it! This way!

It's locked.

What are you doing? We're friends of Bernie's.

I hate Bernie's friends.

This way.

To the bedroom.

Come on, let's go. Up.

You're dead meat, you little bastards.

Now I'm really mad!

Wait.

What? You take Gwen, you go hide...

I'll let him chase me, you try and call the cops, okay?

Okay? That's it? No arguments?

I'll get you all, one by one.

There's no place to hide.

I'm gonna die.

You kicked me, you bastard.

Shit! Out of bullets.


Sit the hell down.

Hang on, Lar.

Coming. I got him.

Get off.

Hang on, Lar. I got him.

Stand up. Fight like a man. Come on. Put them up, you chicken.

Watch this, Richard.

All right, Lar.

Fists of steel.

Bernie, let go of me.

I always liked you, Bernie.

I got it, thanks.

Just a little closer. Just get the two of us.

Get the handshake in, okay?

Wait a minute. I think I blinked. Did I blink? I think I blinked a second there.

He blinked. He blinked. I saw him.

Make sure he's wrapped up good.

Wait a minute.

I didn't kill him. He's not dead.

I tried to kill him.

Look at him. He's alive.

He's not dead. He's alive. Move it.

That man is alive!

Now what?

Now I'm gonna take a week off.

You're taking a vacation? The man who won't take a coffee break?

Gwen just invited me to stay with her. What should I say?

You're kidding me. You invited him? You fool. That's fabulous.

You deserve it, Richard. The company owes you.

Just a couple of days until Gwen leaves for school.

There's plenty of room if you want to stay, Lar.

Me? Oh, no, thanks. I'll just tough it out here at Bernie's.

I hear the party Saturday night is better than Friday, actually.

What is going on?

What's happened? Didn't you hear? Bernie Lomax got killed.

No. Yeah.

Did you go to that party last night? No.

Lawrence, you done real good. I'm proud of you.

Yeah, I did okay, huh? Surprised myself.

You did great, Rich.

Hi, Bernie. See you at the party tonight.

What?

What did she say?

Mister, can I bury you?