Weird Science (1985) Script

This is so beautiful.

WYATT: You know it, Gary.

Look at her.

Do you know what I would like to do?

Shower with them.

Then bang! We hit the city, baby, dead on.

For little drinks, a little nightlife, a little dancing.

Dancing.

We throw a huge party, I mean, huge party.

Everybody's invited, women everywhere.

All these girls, they're all there.

Naked bodies everywhere. Gary.

They all know my name. Gary.

What?

Nobody likes us. Nobody.

Why are you messing with the fantasy?

We know about the reality.

Don't ruin the fantasy, okay?

And then, we're a hit, man.

We're popular. We're revered.

Man, we're studs.

(SNIGGERS)

When the smoke clears, right,

those two dames fall amazingly, completely and totally in love with us, Wyatt.

Check it out.

IAN: Yo! Check this out.

(HEART POUNDING)

Look, we're sorry about...

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)


MAN ON TV: His insane ambition to create life.

Where'd your parents go, anyway?

Cincinnati.

They're meeting the guy that my sister wants to marry.

Chloe? Who the hell would marry Chloe?

He's studying to be a vet.

WYATT: Try not to make a mess in there, Gary.

The maid doesn't come till Monday.

You know, I don't understand something, Wyatt.

How come all of a sudden your parents trust you, man?

They never let you do shit before.

Chet's coming home from college for the weekend. They trust him.

He's in charge.

GARY: Chet? Shit!

You know, I can't believe this, Wyatt.

I really wish that you told me this before I agreed to sleep over.

You know how I feel about Chet.

GARY: I mean, how do you put up with that guy?

If I don't, he beats the shit out of me.

It's a habit he picked up in military school.

GARY: I mean, how do you put up with that putz?

WYATT: What can I say, Gary? He's very protective of me.

Nice relationship.

MAN ON TV: There you have his mad dream.

Look! There's nothing to fear.

Look, no blood, no decay, just a few stitches.

Go on. Fix the electrodes.

You'll have plenty to be afraid of before the night's over.

The storm will be magnificent.

All the electrical secrets of heaven.

And this time we're ready. Hey, Fritz?

Let's have one final test. Throw the switches.

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

Here in this machine, I have discovered the great ray that first brought life into the world.

And, look, here's the final touch.

The brain you stole, Fritz. Think of it.

The brain of a dead man waiting to live again in a body I made with my own hands.

You know, that's not a bad idea.

WYATT: What?

In 15 minutes, the storm should be at its height.

Making a girl.

Actually making a girl.

Just like Frankenstein, except cuter.

Nobody must come here!

Don't touch it!

I'm sorry, Doctor.

You're serious.

Yes.

Look me in the eyes.

Do I look serious?

MAN: You're crazy!

Crazy, am I?

We'll see whether I'm crazy or not.

Gary Wallace, that's absolutely gross.

That's sick.

I'm not digging up dead girls. It's...

No, I'm not talking about digging up a dead girl, Wyatt.

I'm talking about your system, idiot.

Your computer.

Okay, look, you know how you're always talking about how you can simulate all that stuff on your computer? You know?

What's the difference? Why can't we simulate a girl?

I don't know. I guess I could, but why?

It's two-dimensional on the screen.

It's not flesh and blood, Gary.

I know that, but, you know, we can use it, Wyatt.

We can ask it questions.

We can put it in real-life sexual situations and see how it reacts.

Like real sick, demented shit. You'd love it.

Well, what about your girl in Canada?

She lives in Canada. This girl has no morals.

You know, I don't like that in a girl.

It's rough having those kind of relationships. You'll see.

(CLEARING THROAT)

Anyway, get to work.

Very nice.

Hold it, Wyatt. I mean, if there's one thing I know, it's female stats.

I mean, anything bigger than a handful, you're risking a sprained tongue.

You know, and...

Yeah. Yeah.

Perfect.

Okay. Now what?

Should we give her a brain?

Yeah. We can play chess with her.

Chess?

Just give her a brain, okay?

Okay, that's about all we can do with my stuff.

I can't believe this shit. I can't believe this.

Did you get a free toaster with this, too?

Gary, it's smarter than you, okay?

The problem is, this is a lame idea, okay?

It's not a lame idea. The problem is your computer's a wimp and we need a lot more power than this. That's the problem.

What do you suggest?

VOICE: We have code penetration, we have program entry.

I repeat, we have code penetration, we have program entry.

Activate lang trace.

(SCREAMING)

We're in.

We're in trouble, Gary.

This is highly illegal.

Well, you need more input. We got to fill this thing up with data.

We gotta make her as real as possible, Wyatt.

I want her to live, I want her to breathe.

I want her to aerobicize.


It's live! All Dave, all night!

We know what you need only right here on Dave TV!

Look at this. It's moving, it's working. It's doing itself.

It's working by itself.

(CHANTING)

Gary...

(HUMMING)

By the way, why are we wearing bras on our heads?

Ceremonial.

You ready? Yeah.

Let's go.

GARY: Turn it off!

WYATT: It is off!

(ALARM RINGING)

Hang up the phone!

Wyatt, what's going on?

I don't know!

Well, unplug it!

Okay!

Oh, shit!

No! It was a birthday present!

Oh, shit!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, shit!

We got to get this thing out of your house!

You get it out! It was your idea!

This is all your fault!

Hit the lights out! You get it out!

You get it out!

I'll get it out!

(DOOR CREAKING)

(BOTH EXCLAIMING)

WYATT: Shit!


One, two, three.

She's alive. Alive!

(EXCLAIMING)

So, what would you little maniacs like to do first?

You guys created me.

I didn't come from anywhere.

WOMAN: Before you started messing around with your computer, I didn't even exist.

By the way, you did an excellent job.

Thank you.

Hello?

Showering's real fun, isn't it?

If we're going to have any kind of fun together, you guys had better loosen up.

What are we going to do with her?

Look, we'll just go with the situation, okay?

And I'm sure by Sunday, you'll think of something.

You're a very bright guy. I have a lot of faith in you, okay?

All right?

I'm just being practical.

Well, I know you are, okay? And I appreciate it.

Let's go.

What are we going to do about this mess?

Wyatt, you'll have plenty of time to clean up tomorrow, okay?

Okay, but don't get any b.o. On Chet's suit, or he'd kill me.

Where are we going, anyway?

I don't know. She said we're going to go downtown and...

Oh, my God! Whose stuff is this?

Is that your suit? Wait, is this yours?

Oh, shit.

Holy shit. Gary, I don't know what's going...

Why? What's going on here? I don't know.

What is going on here? Gary, I don't know!

I don't know what's going on here!

Gary, you look good, though, all right?

Yeah? Yeah.

So, did you steal this car?

No, I didn't steal the car.

How'd you get it?

I can get anything I want.

And right now, I want to party.

Party?

Yeah, and you better think up a name for me, too.

What name do you want?

You guys created me, you think of a name for me.

How about Lisa?

Why Lisa?

Why not?

He used to like a girl named Lisa.

Oh, yeah? Old girlfriend?

She kicked him in the nuts.

Will you shut up?

Look, Gary, it wasn't your fault.

All you said was hello to her.

Yeah, look, Wyatt, shut up!

Hey, guys, I like Lisa.

That'll do just fine.

Okay, you guys ready to rock?

Ready. Ready.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(WYATT AND GARY YELLING)

(UP-TEMPO BLUES MUSIC PLAYING)

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

(MUSIC STOPS)

(IN A HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Lisa?

Yeah?

I don't think we belong here.

Don't be silly. It's a public place.

Look, I'm sure we'd both love to stay, but we're not 21, so I think we're gonna...

You're 21.

Well, maybe you'd feel better if you just got out there and mingled.

We don't mingle, okay?

Well, maybe you'd be comfortable if I invited all these people back to your house and we could all mingle there.

We'll mingle. We'll mingle.

Hi, dudes.

(ALL GRUMBLING)

Well, goddamn!

You know, listening to this blues music reminds me of my own trials and tribulations as a young guy and...

You know, my folks, they really, really dump on me.

They really do.

So, you guys get along with your parents?

I guess you guys moved out by now, though, huh?

What's this, sir?

Drink it.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Well, that's a very sweet thought of both you gentlemen, but I really don't...

Until now.

See you guys in the emergency room.

DINO: Hello, pretty lady.

Tell me something.

What's a beautiful broad like you doing with a malaka like this?

It's purely sexual.

No shit.

She's into malakas, Dino.

(ALL LAUGHING)

She's into malakes! Do you believe that?

You can say that again!

(ALL LAUGHING)

(SLOW BLUES MUSIC PLAYING)

Fats, man, let me tell you my story, man.

Last year, I was insane for this crazy little 8th-grade bitch.

Okay? Crazy insane?

Insane? Crazy?

I was nuts for the woman, man.

Now you gotta believe me, I'm telling the truth here.

I'm speaking to you.

I mean, I was nuts for the girl.

And what did it to me was these big titties she had.

For a 13-year-old girl, man.

She wouldn't have had to worry about no titties for the rest of her life, boy.

You know she was set and she was looking good.

That's the truth, baby.

I called her every night for, like, a month.

I'm not talking the bullshit man.

Every damn night?

Every night, Mitch. I ain't playing with you.

On the telephone?

What's this boy talking about, on the telephone, man?

Explain it to him.

Goddamn. We know there's a telephone, boy.

What the hell he think I'm doing?

But he hung up on her.

Oh, you didn't hang up on her!

The chick with those big, big titties?

I hung up on the bitch.

Now here's the capper.

You know what the bitch did to me?

Lay it on me.

Check this shit out. Listen to what she did to me.

She... She kneed you in the nuts and called him faggot in front of everybody.

No. She did what?

Bitch kneed your nuts?

Bitch kneed my nuts!

Bitch. I'm not playing with you. I ain't teasing, man.

In the family jewels?

In the family jewels, man.

Worse pain there is.

Broke my heart in two.

She broke more than your heart.

You're right there, baby.

You can forget that other one.

You got this fine jewel sitting right over here by you.

Yeah.

Ain't that the truth, baby?

That's the plain truth!

There he goes.

(ALL CLAMORING)

Party's over.

Party's over, said the girl.

Okay, I'm gonna get out of here.

I got money for you right here. $50 for you.

I got $500 that boy won't make it...

I bet he's gonna make it.

(SINGING) Baby, you know I love you

You know, I really shouldn't be driving.

Hey, listen, I appreciate it. You know, I really just don't feel like driving.

Okay, forget it. I'll drive. Give me the keys!

Give me the keys!

Is he going to be all right?

I don't know. I warned him about that Blind Dog bourbon.

Hey, he don't even have his license, Lisa.

He's not lying. I don't even have a learner's permit.

Hey, let's scout another party, man.

What are you gonna tell Chet about me?

Nothing.

Nothing?

That's not very realistic, Wyatt.

Look, I don't know. I'm just trying to concentrate on the road.

You better concentrate a little harder.

You're about to run a red light.

Oh, shit!

GARY: I hate that boy! I always hated that shit!

I never listen to it! I hate this car! I hate it!

Are you okay?

Well, my nuts are halfway up my ass.

But other than that, I'm perfect.

You better think of what you're going to do about Chet.

He's one serious idiot.

You're stewed, butt wad!

Who, me?

Know what time it is?

2:00?

Time to pay the fiddler.

I was kind of counting on you to be human about this.

Here's the bottom line, Wyatt.

I'm telling Mom and Dad everything.

I'm even considering making up some shit.

(SIGHS)

All right, Chet. Name your price.

$175 and zero cents, cash.

New bills, crisp and clean, in my wallet by 7:00 a.m.

Thank you.

Hey, what are big brothers for?

See you upstairs.

I don't need you.

(CLAMORS)

Come on.

The boozehounds return.

What a joke!

Hi, girls.

(BURPS)

CHET: Feeling kind of queasy?

How about a nice greasy pork sandwich served in a dirty ashtray?

(LAUGHING)

He pukes, you die.

He's not laughing at you, Chet. It's just...

GARY: Yes, I am.

Did you tell Chet about the...

Did he tell you about the woman we made tonight?

He's obviously had it. You know, Chet.

He doesn't know what he's talking about.

No shit.

No shit, Chet. No shit.

You two donkey dicks couldn't get laid in a morgue.

You're right. You are absolutely right.

You're absolutely right, Chet, absolutely right. What?

Come on.

(RETCHING)

Cold-blooded shit he did.

He's an asshole. Look at his haircut.

Anybody with a haircut like that you know is an asshole.

Lisa.

Where are you?

I'm right behind you.

Surprise!

I'm not going to hurt you, you silly thing.

I mean, your lips.

They feel like rigor mortis has set in.

Why don't you try and relax a little bit?

I'm only kissing you.

I wasn't expecting you to kiss me. I mean, I was just...

I wasn't...

That was better.

Want to try it again?

If you don't mind. I mean, yes, please, ma'am.

(WYATT EXCLAIMS)

You sure you're only 15?

(CLEARING THROAT)

I'll be 16 in June.

You made me.

You control me.

What's on your mind? What are you thinking about, huh?

Women's gymnastics.

Well, I don't know. I'll do my best.

Good.


(GROANS)

Wyatt, Wyatt, Wyatt, where were you?

I'm right here, Gary.

Wyatt, what happened?

I don't know.

I think it was a dream.

What?

Everything. Last night, Lisa.

The whole thing, it had to be a dream.

It can't be a dream, Wyatt.

We were both in it.

How can two people have the same dream?

There's no other explanation. It had to be a dream.

Wait, let's analyze this. All right, in your dream, did I get up in the middle of the night and yak in your sink?

Didn't throw up. No. Nothing. You didn't see anything.

Maybe it was a dream, you know.

A very weird, bizarre, vivid, erotic, wet, detailed dream.

Maybe we have malaria.

Shit.

Gary! Wyatt! Breakfast!

Look, I don't have the kind of bucks it would take to pay Chet off about this.

CHET: Yo, Wyatt! Coffee!

You can't live in fear of Chet for the rest of your life.

Why not? Just please...

I don't know, Wyatt.

I mean, it's seriously affecting your sex life.

Ten seconds into my gymnastics routine, you passed out.

You slept.

I did my toes.

By the way, you're very cute.

We'll try it again some other time, okay?

Good morning, turd brain.

Hi, Chet.

You spit in this?

Not that I'm aware of, no.

Hey, that looks pretty good.

Now make yourself one, dick weed.

I like your panties.

(BURPS)

It's a joke, Chet. You know, it's all...

That's not a joke!

That is a severe behavioral disorder.

Those are women's underpants!

I mean, the next thing you know, you'll be wearing a bra on your head.

The old man's going to have a stroke on this one for sure.

All right, Chet. How much?

How much?

CHET: This goes way beyond payment, pal.

Come on, Chet. Please?

Well...

Your VCR should cover it.

For openers.

Thank you.

For Christ's sakes, will you cover yourself?


You guys looking for something for your mom?

I really don't think so, Sue.

You guys have girlfriends?

You know, Sue, one does really not refer to a 23-year-old woman as a girlfriend.

WYATT: Mistress, Gar. GARY: Mistress.

Lover. Lover.

Sex. Sexpot.

She's a sexpot is what she is.

You guys are the ones that got beat up at the homecoming game, right?

Susan, do you think you could wrap up a bottle of this scent for me?

Cause it's... I like this.

Two.

And why don't you set yourself up with one of them, too.

Set yourself up. That's three scents, please.

If you were a 15-year-old boy, would these turn you on?

I think so, too. I'll take them.

Do you have a bra to match that?

Something in leather or rubber, or barb wire?

Give me a break.

Check it out. Check it out.

What?

Five bucks?

Finsky.

Max, what are you going to do?

You know what, Gar, for the first time in my life, I don't feel like a total dick.

Yeah, me either.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Sorry, boys.

Momentary loss of motor, nerds.

You guys getting tired of this? We're not.

But I'll tell you one thing, there is a cure.

Rumor has it there's a big white sale going on.

At Towel World! Towel World!

We're not impressed. No.

Can I have some of that, please?

You know I'm getting really bored of their shit.

Well, do you want to dump them?

I don't know.

Well, we have been with them three months.

We've been to all the parties. We've met all the people.

We won't go to any more parties and we won't meet any more people.

We'll go into a social coma.

Sorry. Sorry.

We're sorry.

Want to give them another chance?

Okay.

Will you forgive us? Please.

Oh, you guys.

What are we gonna do with you?


(CHATTERING)

Excuse me. Get out of my way.

We got her, we got her, we got her.

Hey!

Hey.

Hi.

That's lan.

This is Max.

We call him Mad Max.

We saw you on the escalator.

Yeah.

Yeah, you were looking at us, right?

Yeah.

So what are you doing?

Nothing. I'm waiting for my ride.

(HORN BLARING)

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

Lis, come on, hon. We're running late.

Honey, move.

Speak to you later.

She likes the rough stuff.

What can I do, you know?

By the way, there's a party tonight at Wyatt's house.

You can find his name in the students' directory under Donnelly.

Pass the word around.

Party?

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Don't ask.

Wyatt, you're going to have a heart attack by the time you're 40 if you don't learn to relax.

Have you tried inversion boots?

Lisa, you don't understand my parents.

LISA: What's there to understand?

They're oppressive, meddlesome, difficult, demanding and totally bizarre.

I mean, they're normal parents.

Now stop worrying and go and get dressed.

WYATT: Lisa, I created you.

Why do you do insist on doing things I don't want?

Honey buns, you want to party so badly, you could bottle it.

I mean, you and Gary, you want friends, you want popularity, you want all that stuff, right?

Well, I thought about it, sure, but...

So I'm giving it to you.

Thank you, really, thank you.

But I don't want it in my house.

If you want to be a party animal, you have to learn to live in the jungle.

Now stop worrying and go and get dressed.

I'm going to go and pick up Gary.

I can't wait to meet his parents.

Do you go to Gary's school?

Do I look like I'm in high school?

No.

Well, what it is, Dad, she's a foreign exchange student, you know.

And they have, like, a different educational system happening around the world.

You look very mature.

Doesn't she? That's funny you say that 'cause I was thinking the same thing.

And what happened was that...

So what do you do for a living, Al?

I'm an independent businessman.

Al... Dad. My dad's a plumber. And he's into plumbing.

And, well, I guess you plumb, right, Dad?

Yeah.

Yeah, well, I think it's time to go.

You ready?

Where do you think you're going?

To a party. To a movie.

Movie party is what it is, folks.

We're going to a movie party.

Such a little liar.

No. I've whipped up this nasty little soiree over at his friend Wyatt's house.

Soir what?

Soiree, honey. I think that means party.

Party.

You know, there's going to be sex, drugs, rock and roll, chips, dips, chains, whips...

You know, your basic high school orgy type of thing.

I mean, I'm not talking candle wax on the nipples or witchcraft or anything like that.

No, no, no. No, just a couple of hundred kids running around in their underwear acting like complete animals.

All right, God damn it! I've heard enough!

Gary, you get to your room! Yes, sir!

No, it's okay. Just sit here. I'll take care of this.

Girlie, you get the hell out of here before I throw you out.

Don't threaten me, Al!

You're out of shape. I'll kick your ass.

I'm going to make this real easy for you.

I'm taking Gary to a party.

Over my dead body.

He's a good kid. He studies hard.

You've got no complaints.

If anybody should be bitching, it should be Gary.

You ever compliment him on his grades?

You ever compliment him on anything?

Hey! Hey! Look, Ma, compliments embarrass me.

You know. Dad, you know.

Shut up! Shut up!

Have you ever wondered how sad it is that your son's only sexual outlet is tossing off to magazines in the bathroom?

Oh, Gary!

Ma, I never tossed off to anything!

You told me you were combing your hair!

But I was! I was! Mom!

Mom! I've never... Gary, shut up!

Water's running all day.

Shut up!

I've never tossed off! I've never tossed off!

And you wouldn't tell your own mother!

Shut up!

Shut up! Shut up!

This guy deserves a party.

Look, I don't know who you are, what you are, or where you came from, but I'm not taking any more of this.

Dial the police, Lucy. Dial the damn police and give me the phone.

(STUTTERING) The phone. I'm going to get the...

Give me the phone. I'm trying to... Well, here it is.

(LUCY PANTING)

God. Oh, Christ.

AL: Oh, Lord God.

(STUTTERS)

Go ahead...

Make your day?

I'm really sorry it has to come to this.

Come to what?

If you don't cheer up, I'll blow your face off.

Oh, come on, don't be such an old lady. Everything's cool.

Everything's cool! Everything's cool.

Yeah, yeah. My dad's going to castrate me.

And my mother almost had, like, a cardiac arrest.

My parents are never going to let me in the house, and if they do, I'll be grounded till I'm 45.

But other than that, everything's great.

Everything's just really cool.

I mean, you know, I mean, couldn't be better.

Listen, trust me for once, will you?

They don't know what happened.

Did you think Gary was acting a little strangely this evening?

Gary?

Who's Gary?

Lisa, you have to promise me that things aren't going to get out of control.

Wyatt, don't worry. You're just having a few friends over.

I don't have any friends, Lisa.

He doesn't.

Boy ain't lying.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

You do now.

Hi.

ALL: Hi!

MAN: Party!

ALL: Party! Party! Party! Party!

Party! Party! Party! Party!

Party! Party! Party!

Party! Party! Party! Party! Party! Party!

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)


(SHOUTS)

How you doing?

Where's the bar? Bar!

Do you think they'll embarrass us tonight?

Yeah.

Caviar?

If Max and lan see her, it is all over for us.

How's your stomach?

It's a little better.

If you're going to float an air biscuit, let me know, okay?

Float a what?

If you're going to fart, if you're going to squeeze cheese, let me know, okay? I'll hit the fan.

I'm sorry, Gary. It's just I suffer pain and discomfort due to occasional stomach upset.

You know, I can't believe this, Wyatt. I'm so disappointed in us.

I mean, all we ever do is sit around and talk about how great it would be if we went to parties, right? And...

And now it's our party, and there are hundreds of people here having a great time, and we're in the john. We're in the john.

I can't believe it.

Gary, you're just as uptight as I am, all right?

Let me tell you something. Nobody can be as uptight as you, okay?

Nobody. Your middle name is tense, okay?

Wyatt "Tense Up" Donnelly.

All right, this is true. This is true.

It's true.

But...

It's not that bad. I mean, we can hear the music.

This is great. We can dance. So that's great.

If we put our noses to the door, maybe we can smell the food.

Hey, brother!

What's happening, my main man?

Right on!

Scotch.

Straight up?

Give me the whole bottle.

Tell you what. You bend over and I'll shove it straight up your ass.

On the rocks is fine.

Yeah, that's what I thought you were gonna say.

There she is.

You deal with the drinks. I'll kill the girls.

I wonder if Lisa's having a good time.

Lisa could have a good time at an insurance seminar, Wyatt.

You know, the thing that really galls me is that she's ours and we can't get close to her.

Hit the fan.

This is, like, the best party I've ever been to.

I know. It's great!

Do you know whose house this is?

I don't know. I think it might be that girl with the English accent.

Did you notice that girl doesn't have a zit on her whole body? Did you notice that?

I know. She has, like, zero fat.

And she's so relaxed.

She burped and it was, like, charming. Charming.

Yeah.

Shit.

Yeah. The bathroom.

Ladies. Hi.

Hi. Hi.

GARY: I can't believe you! I cannot...

You're dropping wolf bait and there are chicks outside!

Light a match or something. Light a fire, I don't know.

Hi. Hi.

Hi.

We're sorry. We thought there were just girls in there.

I'm sorry.

It's just us dudes. You know.

What are you doing here?

WYATT: Gary was just taking a shit.

No, what I meant was...

No, no, what I meant was, what are you doing at the party?

Oh, it's my house.

This is your party?

Yeah, well, you know, we like to do this about once a week.

You know, throw little gatherings here. Really?

Yeah, little get-togethers. That kind of thing.

Haven't you guys been by? Or...

No.

How the heck did we miss these two, Wyatt?

I don't know. So many people, so many parties.

So many people, you know, and so many parties.

You know, you lose track and...

Would you mind if I came in and checked my face?

What's wrong with your face?

Can we come in?

Come on in. WYATT: Sure, yeah. Okay. Be our guests.

Thanks, guys.

Come on in.

Well...

We've seen you guys at school, but we've never met.

You're Hilly. You're Deb.

How you doing? Deb.

You're Deb. Hi. I'm Gary. I'm Wyatt.

Hi, Gary.

Well, what have you guys been doing?

This is a wild crowd. I didn't know you guys had so many friends.

Yeah, neither did we. Neither did we.

Who's the girl with the accent?

I thought that this was her party, but I...

You mean the real sensuous, exotic, sexy, mature, sex symbol type?

Yeah. Yeah.

GARY: She's with us.

She's with you guys?

Come on, Lisa. Why not?

Because I belong to Gary and Wyatt.

Belong? What? They make you in the garage with power tools?

They own you? Control you? Seriously.

Seriously.

They're toads.

Do I look like I'd go out with two toads?

You do. It's true.

I think Gary and Wyatt are gonna force everyone to redefine their terms.

And you're completely loyal to them?

I do whatever they say.

Hi.

Could you excuse us for a minute, please?

That's no problem. Yeah, we'll be in here.

Yeah, that's where we'll... Yeah.

Okay, fine.

I could be wrong, but I think these ladies are stoked for us, Wyatt.

I got that feeling myself.

What do we do? I don't know.

Should we go for it? What about Lisa?

She did say we should party.

Look, let's get it on with these two, score points and go back to Lisa. This is like a dream come true.

How about if we see if we can score the points with these two and deal with them in case we can't later.

Sounds good.

But whatever happens, gotta give Lisa a shot.

I don't want to hurt her feelings.

I think the girls are looking for a long, lean bone job from me.

Ready to party down? 10-4.

Let's break. Break.

Those guys are weird, but they're kind of cute.

Hi. Hi.

And where did you two disappear to?

Nowhere. We were in the kitchen. We were in the bathroom.

Eating. Doing our hair.

Have you met Gary and Wyatt?

Yeah. No.

Sort of.

If you get the chance, shower with them.

I did.

It's a mind scrambler!

Hurts so good.

She took a shower with them.

I have a wonderful idea, Henry.

After dinner, why don't we stop by and visit with Wyatt.

I hate to think of his being alone at home tonight.

Doesn't he have anything to read?

Well, I don't know, dear, but you know nothing's more important to a teenage boy than his grandparents.

We'll drop by. Oh, good.

(LOUD ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

I'd like to open up by apologizing for the ICEE today at the mall.

It was very immature. And I'm sorry.

And... It was just, like, tomfoolery.

But we are sorry.

It happened.

Yeah.

So what's the deal with Lisa?

You know, can we borrow her?

We can't do that, guys.

You know, because common decency prohibits us. We can't.

It's not that cool.

Well, she said it was cool. Yeah.

We can't take advantage of her loyalties. Sorry, guys.

Man, but that's really selfish. That hurts, you know.

Lan...

Just forget it, guys, 'cause we can't do it, you know?

Come on. Quit being such pricks.

Hey, come on.

Regardless of what she may have told you, our feelings for Lisa run very deep.

It's, like, emotions. Heavy, heavy emotions.

Our feelings for Deb and Hilly run as deep as yours do for Lisa.

And it's respect.

It's like the time we spend together, you know.

And a couple of guys like you deserve them.

See, we like your style. So we want to make a deal with you.

You let us have a crack at Lisa and then we'll let you have Deb and Hilly.

Can you guys keep a secret?

Sure. Secret?

Look again. It's Gary. No, no.

It's our boy, Gary.

He's our 16-year-old boy.

I don't know what the hell you're talking about, Lucy.

And I want you to shut up.

WYATT: I feel like an asshole. This had better work.

This is just the blueprint. Okay, now look.

You like it?

Bigger tits. Bigger tits.

Go, go, go, go!

Give him the knee shooters. I don't care.

VOICE: We have code penetration again.

What the hell's going on in here?

(THUNDER CLAPPING)

Excuse me, Arthur.

It's Art. Excuse me, Art.

Oh, shit.

(SCREAMING)

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Where's Eddie?

Eddie's down in the lab. He and Grandpa are working on a new project.

Another invention?

It has something to do with a robot.

(LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)

Wyatt, what's going on?

Turn this thing off!

You're going to love it! How you doing?

I'm shitting in my pants!

(PLAYING PIANO)


(EXCLAIMING)

(SCREAMING)


It worked.

You had to be big shots, didn't you?

You had to show off.

When are you going to learn people will like you for what you are, not for what you can give them.

In your race for power and glory, you forgot one small detail.

We forgot to hook up the doll.

You forgot to hook up the doll.


(GLASS BREAKING)

Something's going on here, Carmen.

I have a feeling we're not going to approve, Henry.

A missile! A missile!

A missile in my house, Gary!

Yeah, this puppy's for real, all right.

It was an accident. Simple, you know...

Accident, my ass, Gary!

My parents are coming home.

Chet's coming home.

They're going to freak out!

They're gonna shit egg rolls.

Get out! Get out! Scat!

Out of here, you disgusting tramps!

You, you, you hosers!

Out! Out! Out!

My God, cut that out, would you?

You ought to know better than to walk into somebody's house and start hitting people with your Rex Harrison hat.

This is my daughter's home.

Who the hell are you?

Well, I'm a very dear, close personal friend of your grandson's.

Henry, call the police.

I will. I'll have you incarcerated.

Here's the deal, folks.

Gary and Wyatt, they created me on their computer.

I'm not going to stand here and listen to this baloney.

He won't, you know. He doesn't stand for baloney.

Would you mind waiting here? I won't be a moment.

Have you ever?

Never.

Excuse me, guys. Wyatt, your grandparents are downstairs.

Okay. Thanks, Lis.

Lisa! Yes?

Where are my grandparents?

Wyatt, your kitchen is blue. You want to try one?

Where are my grandparents, Lisa?

They're all taken care of. Okay?

You're going to love this one.

Are they all right?

They're fine.

In fact, they're better than fine.

They're not aging anymore.

See? They're smiling.

Lisa, if any more of his relatives drop by, we'll be upstairs in the bathroom, okay?

That's pretty sick, Lis.

Those guys really need some self-confidence.

A challenge.

Something that'll bring out their inner strength and courage.

I'm so bloody clever.

Now!

(ENGINE REVVING)

(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALL SCREAMING)

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

This Bud's for you.

This party's lame, Max.

What about the girls?

Girls, shmirls.


Lisa! What's going on?


Gary! Gary!

Gary, listen to me.

There are motorcycles in my house!

Wyatt, there are killer mutants in your house, okay?


Screw the house. Screw the house.


Guys, you have uninvited guests.

I think you better come out and ask them to leave.

They're getting pretty rowdy.

This is an excellent chance for you to prove your bravery and courage.

Those are outdated concepts, all right?

Excuse us.

Don't let John Wayne hear you say that.

The man is dead, Lisa, okay?

Well, so are you if you don't deal with this situation.

(GLASS BREAKING)

No, thanks. No, thanks.

WYATT: Gary, do you feel like a chicken?

Wyatt, if I could shoot an egg out my ass right now, I would.

Well, what about all these people?

Will they think we're cowards?

I don't know.

Look, we can deal with shame, okay? Death is a much deeper issue.

(MAN GROWLING)


We're going to get you guys some drinks.

You look like a Scotch man. You want some...

We're gonna get some stuff.

Is this your party?

Well, kind of.

I don't know if you can call it a party.

It's just a few friends.

How come two unpopular dicks like you is having a party?

(ALL LAUGHING)

I don't know. I mean, I guess I was just asking myself that very question. And unlike dicks, sometimes do the weirdest things.

Look, we're very sorry. We're...

I don't know. How would you like all your friends here to know that you wear a bra on your heads?

(ALL LAUGHING)

Tossed off into any good books lately, have we?

You two can't even take a shower with a beautiful woman without wearing your jeans!

(ALL LAUGHING)

You!

Come here!

Now!

Prepare to die, Wyatt.

Gary, I can't wait to die.

We are gonna kick...

Ass.

Okay. This is war.

Hands off the girls. Let's leave the girls out of this. Hands off.

(LAUGHING)

I said hands off! Now!

Why don't you shut up, bitch?

And as for your ugly ass, let me tell you something.

You don't come into my friend's house with your faggot friends, driving your motorbikes all over his floors, breaking windows, making a mess, stinking up the place.

And believe me, you do stink.

And here's what's going to happen.

You're going to let go of the girls and you're going to apologize to all these people.

And you're going to get on your bikes and pedal your ugly asses out of here.

(ALL LAUGHING)

So now, we're gentlemen, so we're gonna give you a choice.

Yeah, you can leave in peace...

Or you can stay and die.

Choice is yours.


Get out of here.

Beg your pardon. You have a lovely home.

Terribly sorry. Call me. We'll have lunch.

Can we keep this between us?

I'd hate to lose my teaching job.

God bless you.

I can't believe... You know...

Is everyone all right? I just want to know. Everyone's...

This is so exciting. You know, we're heroes.

These guys came into your house and we showed them down.

I can't believe this. You know what we did?

You and me, we saved all these people, Wyatt.

You don't understand that.

We're heroes. This could mean a guest shot on Phil Donahue.

I don't know. But this is exciting, man!

Gary! What?

Where the hell did you get that thing?

Squirt gun, man. That's it.

(GUN FIRING)

That's my boys.

What a weird night, huh?

You really weren't afraid of those guys?

I was scared.

But what could I do?

It's probably a good idea for me not to ask too many questions about tonight.

Probably.

This is a sort of a night of weird shit.

I was wondering if I can ask you something kind of strange?

Would you kiss me?

What about lan?

We all make mistakes.

Okay.

Where do you want it?

Can I ask you a question?

Yeah.

How do you feel about Lisa?

I love her.

And that's what I figured.

But...

I mean, it's definitely a different kind of love.

You know, it's more sisterly, you know.

Like big sisterly, kind of.

But she's so beautiful.

Yeah, she's really beautiful.

And her body is...

It's gorgeous.

It's a nice figure.

So...

I mean, what would I be compared to her?

Deb, Lisa is everything I ever wanted in a girl before I knew what I wanted.

I know that if I could do it again, I'd make her just like you.

Honest.

Dead honest. I'm like... I... You know, I...

I gotta tell you 'cause I'm really honest when I say that.

I'm so very honest. I mean that.

(CAR APPROACHING)


What the hell?

That little bastard.

Please don't let him have messed up my room.

If my room's okay, I won't kill him. I promise.

I'll just hurt him real bad.


Freeze.

Chet!

Where's my brother?

(WINCES)

I don't know.

You're dead meat, pilgrim.

Chet, Chet, Chet, Chet, Chet, that's her nose. Come on.

Now, look, she has nothing to do with it.

Okay. You die.

She walks out of here with a severe limp.

I'll be back.

That's Wyatt's older brother, Chet.

He's kind of an asshole.

Oh, hi, Chet.

What the hell is going on around here?

Chet, I'm sorry, it was an accident.

An accident? An accident?

Do you realize it's snowing in my room, God damn it?

Some real weird shit happened, Chet. Some real weird shit.

You don't have to be a genius to figure that out, monkey dick.

Start talking, little man.

Look, Chet, it's a real long story.

Gary and I were messing around with the computer Friday night, and we decided to make a woman. And when we did, she went crazy and she messed up the whole house.

Don't smart-mouth me, you wormy little shit!

Why don't you just leave him alone?

Stay out of this, bimbo. This is a family matter.

Chet, just let me find Lisa. She can explain everything.

She'll clear everything up, Chet. I swear. Chet.

You can have my college money and my social security, Chet.

So, you guys think you can pull one over on me, huh?

Huh?

You got everybody synched to the same bullshit story.

This isn't bullshit. This is a Pershing missile, Chip.

It's Chet.

My name is Chet.

And I didn't think it was a whale's dick, honey.

(BURPS)

Hi, Nanny. Hi, Grampy.

I'm not a moron, you know. I...

Was that my grandparents?

Are they dead?

Oh, no. They're just resting.

What are they doing in here?

LISA: I put them in there.

I didn't want the boys to get into trouble.

And quite frankly, they weren't having a very good time at the party.

CHET: Not having a good time?

Do you think they're having a good time being catatonic in a closet?

Do you have any idea how disrespectful that is?

Boy, I wouldn't give a squirt of piss for your ass right now.

Okay, that's quite enough. You guys get the girls home.

Wyatt, take the Porsche. Gary, you take the Ferrari.

The Ferrari?

I want to be alone with Chet here.

Good to see you again, Chet. Get out of here!

Come on, take your little hussies home!

Their parents are probably worried sick.

Lady, I want to get to the bottom of this, asafp.

Oh, so do I.

But first, I'd like to butter your muffin.

Why do you have to be such a wanker?

Because I get off on it.

Now I want you to promise that you'll keep your big mouth shut about everything that has happened here this weekend.

And I want you to treat Wyatt and Gary with dignity and respect.

Oh, really?

Yeah. Oh, really.

I can be a real serious bitch if I don't get what I want.

Hit me with your best shot.

How fast are you going?

About 35.

(SIREN WAILING)

Wait. This can't be right.

Are you looking at the rpms?

No. I think I'm looking at about 50 tickets.

(SIREN WAILING)

Bye!


God damn it! Stupid train!

Oh, my.

That was great!

You son of a bitch!

Al, Al! Al, that was Gary!

Who is this Gary character?

I had a really great time last night.

I'll probably be grounded for a month or so, but...

I'll wait for you.


Hilly!

I love you!

All right!

I want to thank you for a great night.

Same here.

Deb, I have kind of a confession to make.

I'm really not this cool.

That's not my car.

This is not my suit.

I mean, none of those people were my friends.

Why are you telling me all of this?

Because I want you to like me for what I am.

Whatever you are, I like it.


I'd better get going.

'Cause Wyatt and I still have to deal with Chet.

Quit screwing around!

This isn't funny, you stupid bitch!

Oh, now careful, Chet. Don't make me angry.

Sorry.

That's better.

Would you please turn me back to normal, please?

I haven't done anything to you.

No, but you've done plenty to your brother.

Like what?

Well, let me see. You've nagged him, harassed him, suppressed him, kept him in fear of you.

Extorted money from him.

It's done out of love.

Just for that I ought to give you a set of elephant balls.

(EXCLAIMS)

Give me your word that you'll leave Wyatt and Gary alone and I'll change you back.

Oh, all right.

Shake on it, huh?

No, thanks. I'd rather not.

Wait! Where are you going?

Well, I have to go and get changed.

What about me?

What about you? You'll be fine.

It just takes a little while for the effect to wear off, okay?

Well?

I'm in love.

It's great, isn't it?

The best.

You know, I'll tell you, Wyatt, I think things are turning around for us.

I mean it.

Okay, what about Lisa?

Well, I think we're gonna have to have a talk with her.

Think she'll understand?

I think so. I mean, I sure as hell wouldn't want to date you.

You're not my type, you know.

WYATT: Chet?

Chet?

Hi, dudes!

I'm sorry, Wyatt.

I'm sorry for being such a shit to you all these years.

And, gee, well, I want you to know that I love you.

(BURPING LOUDLY)

(LAUGHS)

That's nasty, Wyatt.

That's Chet, Gary.

(FLY BUZZING)

Hey, hey.

Oh, my God!

WYATT: Lisa?

In here.

Lisa.

LISA: Yeah?

You saw Chet?

Yes, I did.

WYATT: You responsible?

Yes, I am.

Lisa, we can't have him like that.

It'd ruin Christmas.

Listen, he's gonna be fine in half an hour.

He's not going to spoil Christmas.

And he's not going to bug you anymore, either.

(CLEARING THROAT)

Lisa, we have to have a talk with you.

What's on your mind?

I really don't know how to say this to you.

You guys found girlfriends, right?

Fell in love with the two girls and they fell in love with you.

That's all I ever wanted for you.

You're not hurt?

Yeah, sure I'm hurt.

But I wouldn't change it.

I'm really just getting off seeing you two guys straightened out.

(SIGHING)

I have to go.

I've had a wonderful time.

Lisa.

Bye.


(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)


Boys?

We're home!

Hi, Mr. Donnelly. How are you?

Nice to see you. Hi, honey.

Nice to see you.

Dad, hi. No, no, no, no, no. Like a man.

So, what did you guys do this weekend?

Not much.

Just hung around the house. You know.

Daddy had this crazy notion you guys might throw a party or do something nutty.

Shit.

Not us. Not here.

No way. No way.

(BELL RINGING)

(GUYS CHATTERING)

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

(SHUSHING)


Okay.

Drop and give me 20.

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)