We'll Never Have Paris (2014) Script

Like any organ does as we grow older, the eye deteriorates and decays.

Whether it be genetic predisposition or environmental factors, we are subject to losing the gift of sight, clouding the windows to our souls, if you will.

Did you know that cataracts are now responsible for 48% of world blindness?

Though aging is the primary cause, there are a wide variety...

Devon, you're just going to grade papers the whole time?

What? This is my lunch break.

What do you want me to do, pray for you? Your eye is fine, okay?

Just like your teeth aren't getting looser, and you didn't have foot rot.

Knock on wood.


I got to get the rest of these papers to my TA.

But, I love you.

You're okay.

Love you. Say hi to the doc for me.

See you after work, assuming I can still see.

...to irreversible loss of vision.


Hey there, pal. Hi, Dad.

So, what is it this time? A little redness?

Yeah, just in the left eye. A little dot's been there for about a week.


Let's go. Let's just lean forward.

Place your chin on the plastic piece there and look directly into the light.

Right here.


Oh, by the way, your mother made some of that egg salad that you love, you know, with the tarragon, I brought some in for you.


Well, what do you know, pingueculitis.

It's an irritation or a thinning of the conjunctiva.

It's usually found in elderly people, Latinos, people who work outdoors.

You the outdoorsy type now?

I'd go with Latino before outdoorsy.

It could also have something to do with your nose.

What's wrong with my nose?

Nothing. It's a beautiful nose, you got the Berman nose.

Only it's, slightly more pronounced than other noses might be.

How does my nose size contribute to this?

It's acting as a kind of... large reflector, if you will.

Wait, so my nose is so large that...

What, the reflection is burning a hole in my eye?

No, no, no, no, no... Just the lining of it.

The treatment is artificial tears and UV-protection sunglasses.

You're getting older there, my boy. Twenty-eight's not old.

Yeah. It's not really the age where it makes any sense. Nor the race.

All right, I'll get your UV sunglasses.

The ladies are gonna love you.

Dad, I have a girlfriend for 10 years.

Kidding, I love Devon. When are you gonna propose?

I was about to. I have Mama's ring. But now, with this illness...

It's not an illness. It's a condition. It's treatable. Marriage, I mean.

How many times a day do I have to put in the artificial tears?

Six to eight. Or I could just insert some punctal plugs.

Insert where? In your punctum.

In my what? Tear ducts.

Little, tiny, umbrella-shaped, silicon plugs that block out the drainage of tears, thus, irrigating the eye. I'm sorry. I'm a little...

Sit, sit. Come on. Come on, sit down, sit down.

That's it. Put your head between your legs.

Your grandmother used to say...

That means, "You only get one first marriage."

That's inspiring. Look...

If Devon is the one, unless there's a piece of coal in that ring, instead of a diamond, your sitting on it longer, isn't doing you any good.

You saw the people in the waiting room.

They were all you, yesterday.

Dev. What?

Aren't you supposed to be at work?

Impersonating late Miles Davis? What happened?

No, nothing. I wanted sir to prize...

To precise... I wanted to surprise you. You know.

Okay. Wait, what did he say about your eye?

Oh, no, it's fine. Actually, it put everything into perspective.

That, well, I'm finally...

You know... And I love you more than...

Okay, I... I... love you too.

But, you're scaring me.

So, there's nothing wrong with your eye?

Yes, there's... No... Yes, there's... It's pingueculitis.

It's not a big deal, I'm just supposed to wear those glasses but...

Well, you know, I do know how seriously you take fashion.

Yeah, says the girl who only wears clogs. What? They're comfortable.

Yeah, well, that doesn't make them not clogs.

Very cloggy.

What? I mean, you're just my favorite.

Well, you're up there for me too.


The day has come...

Oh, my God. You got a gig playing piano. I...

No, no... no, no.

But didn't you send in your demo tape to the Thai restaurant?

No one wants to hear live jazz while they're eating mee krob, it's too much.

Come on, at some point you're gonna have to play in front of people.

Anyway I just wanted to...

I have to go. What? You have class.

Thank you so much for surprising me. Okay. Okay.

I'm gonna call you on the way home.

I'm sorry. I'm just supposed to be giving a lecture on Flaubert.

You don't have to lecture them about Flaubert. Just... say it nicely.

All right. Love you. Love you.

It's just this eye condition.

Pinga... Wait, what? Pingueculitis.

Is it... Is it contagious?


What are we doing with the rose petals, did I miss an order?

I'm... I'm...

Okay, don't say anything, Kelsey. But, I'm gonna ask Devon to marry me.

I mean, you know, I used to propose to girls in elementary school.

I mean, I was in elementary school too. It wasn't just illegal.

Yay! Yay!

Yeah. Thanks.

I mean, of course. I called it in high school.

You did, yeah? What about you? You're still with...

We broke up. The basketball player.

We broke up too. Oh.

But, there's a new guy, Isaac, you'll meet him tonight.

We are having pizza before Jameson's, right?

Yes, yeah. And you're bringing... Isaac.

Isaac. Yeah, the mechanic.

Cool. Well, if it doesn't work out with him I have a great mechanic.

Thanks. Yay.

Can I talk to you for a second? Sure.

I think I might be in love with you. A little.

With me?

No, you're right. Never mind.

No. Wait. What?

I mean... Obviously, I don't want to ruin what we have here. And, I love Devon.

She buys me lottery tickets on my birthday 'cause she know how much I want to win.

But, it just hit me, that all these guys, I mean, they don't challenge me.

And you... You make me feel like a lady.

And... and you listen.

And you make eye contact.

Are you really gonna marry the first girl you've ever been with?


One girl in your entire life.

I'm sorry. I shouldn't have told you.

Yes, you should have. But you can do better. Look at you, you're like a model.

I mean, when we hug, I look like a skin tag hanging off of you.

Come on, you're a man.

A man? What lead you to believe that?


I can get a little rough sometimes.

Sure. Me too.

I'll see you tonight.

Right. Tonight, yeah. I'll see you tonight.

Oh, this one? Yeah, that one.

Yeah, thanks. This is lucky seven.

My mom got it for me, 'cause in my family this is like...

So, what does the tattoo on your neck say?

"Veni, vidi, vici." "I came, I saw, I conquered."

Is it "vici" or "vicky"?

Vici. It's Latin, so a soft 'V'.

You got tattoos? Me? No.

Unless you count "thug life" scrawled across my chest.

But that's henna, so...

No, I was just super scared, like...

He's gonna be fine. He freaks out about everything.

What? I do not.

Every time you sit down at the piano now you mention that your hands are shrinking.

My hand span does seem smaller.

Okay, and then last week you thought your hair was going white.

I found all these white hairs on my collar. Okay, which was cat fur.

I didn't do a DNA test. Okay, this is so ridiculous.

You know what I just realized, I have never heard you play the piano.

No, he doesn't play in front of anybody.

If I'm gonna be heckled, I just prefer that it's by me, that's all.

That's cool. I mean, it makes you all mysterious and like tortured.

See... Yes, tortured. That's my wheelhouse.

Oh, thank you so much.

What did you do? How'd that happen? Dev!

Well, I am stealthy. Well, thank you.

Also, I'm sorry to just dash out on everyone, but I think I'm gonna grab a cab home. Why?

I'm just, like, so tired. I have that thing in the morning.

Can you give these guys a ride to Jameson's?

Okay. Well, I love you. I love you. Bye.

I'm probably gonna head out pretty soon, too.

I'm gonna go meet up with my boys. Okay.

I don't feel like going to this party.

All right. Why don't I just go drop you back off with Isaac and his boys.

Because I don't feel like getting stoned and playing foosball.

You philistine.

Don't call me names.

Did I hurt the fragile flower?

I'm sorry.

Is that okay?

I mean, kissing my neck is okay.

It's like the same thing as hugging.

No, no, no. What?

I just really want to kiss you.

Well, that would not be good.

No, I know.

I could show you my boobs.

Okay, wait, wait. This feels rapey.

Why? 'Cause you don't want to kiss me.

I want to.

But, I can't.


It's not like I could be with Kelsey. No, you couldn't.

Her legs, though, Jameson, they're so long. I've never seen legs like that in person.

They are freakishly long.

I just... I haven't been in another relationship.

And now this tall model likes me.

I mean, she thinks I'm sexy.


Okay, she modeled one time in a catalog for Mervyn's, and a lot of girls think you're sexy. More than think I'm sexy.

Okay, first off, girls think I'm cute, not sexy.

And, second of all, you're just unaware of your good looks.

I wish I was unaware of my looks, I'm aware they're not good.

Shit. I just lost a grand.

What kind of dealer gets 21 every time? A computerized one.

Maybe you do need to explore...

Wait a minute. I thought you wanted to marry Devon one day.

I do, that's what I'm saying. It's just... Those legs...

Dude, you really need to chill out.

I feel like you're about to ask me to help you hide the body.

I'm fine, I'm thinking clearly. I just... I have a lot of energy. I'm galvanized.

Hey, check it out. I... am corning my own beef.

Better to corn your own than someone else's, I guess.

Okay, you're right. I need to talk to Kelsey.

Just patch that up and then I... She's so sexy.

No, no.

See, think of it like... a wet dream, right, nothing really happened.

So to talk about it, would be awkward. So what? Suppress my feelings?

And then, by the time I examine them, they're all tainted and deformed, and then the idea of the event and the event itself would become inseparable and, therefore, impossible to analyze? I need to act now.

Okay, this is not Darfur, you don't need to act now.

You need to go home. You're not making sense.


Imagine that was me slapping you in the face.

That was.

Hey. Still learning that same song?

Yeah, I just can't seem to get past this one part.

How was the faculty meeting?


Why are you being so cold?

What are you talking about? I just got back from work.

I want to take a bath.

We just spent the last two hours debating the plural of "syllabus."

Sorry, I... I just wanted to ask you something.

Okay, can I just run my bath first?

Sure, fine.

I said, I wanted to ask you something. Okay.

But, you're in the bath. You said you were going to run it, not get in it.

Yeah, who could've predicted this? What is wrong with you?


I guess I've just been feeling kind of confused recently.

About what? I'm so immersed in everything.

I can't... see clearly.

Maybe, I just need to take a step back for a moment.

Wait a minute.

What is happening right now? Nothing. I don't know. Why?

Are you talking about us?

Not... No... I don't know... Maybe.

Are you trying to break up with me?

I don't even know what's happening... to me.

What are you doing? What are you doing? I can't fucking believe this.

Devon, wait a second. Turn around.

What? Don't look at me, I'm getting dressed.

Now, I can't see you naked? Ten seconds ago it was fine.

Yeah, well, a lot's happened in the last 10 seconds.

Nothing's happened. You're overreacting.

I don't even know what I'm saying right now.

Who is it?

Who is what? It's always someone else.

What? The only girls I know are you and Kelsey.

And I'm with you, and Kelsey is like a model...

No, I didn't mean that. I do hear how that sounded.

Devon, what are you doing? Do you like Kelsey?

Do I... No. Not like that.

I swear.

Wait... There's nothing that you did. My head is just spinning...

Maybe I need to gain some sort of perspective, or objectivity for a second before... What are you doing?

Don't touch me! I'm gonna stay somewhere else tonight.

Look, if you don't want to see me, I can go somewhere.

No, I'm going, you stay here.

Where are you gonna go? I don't know, to my parents'.

With wet hair? You'll get pneumonia. Oh, please.

Fuck. I know.

No. Thought I lost a piece.

Maybe you're not really ready to get married, dude, I mean, obviously your brain is trying to tell you something.

No, I want to marry Devon.

I think. I've just been so comfortable with her for so long. I can't tell.

It's easier to feel when you're in pain.

I guess I just... fear that I've been confusing complacency with happiness.

I'm already 28, it's just going to start flying by. I want to feel like a man.

I want to experience crazy romance and pining and jealousy.

And whirlwind affairs in foreign countries.

Hey, check it out.

It's a Middle Eastern man on the camel.

They make those?

Well, I did have to special order it, but, yeah.

Okay, I'm gonna go now.

Hey, man. Hey.

Are you doing all right?

No, I just explained that, while you were building a scene from Aladdin.

No. Look, I'm here for you. Okay, thank you, I need to go.

Home? Yes, home.

No proposing? None.

No Kelsey. No.

I hope I was able to help. Yeah.

Are you thinking about Devon?

I don't even feel bad though.

Maybe I'm a sociopath.

I guess we're allowed to kiss now.

That is so romantic.

Do you think maybe we should get ready for bed?

Yeah. I mean, I'm ready, but... okay.


I don't really know how to ramp up to where we were before.

Do you want to talk to me? Sure. About what?

No, like dirty.

I'm good. I don't really have anything to say dirtily.

Okay. Why? Did you want me to talk to you?

No. No, I mean, if you wanted to. Do you want to talk to me like that?

Sure. Yeah, that could be fun. Okay. Yeah. Go for it.

Whenever you're ready or take your time. Let me just set the mood.

Okay, so...

Take out your cock. I haven't put it in yet.

No, not out of... Never mind.

Okay, yes. Yes, ma'am. Or do you want me to address you as something?

No. This is not that. You know, forget it.

No, hey, I'm taking out my cock.

Give me that thing.

What? Nothing. I'm sorry.

Your hand is cold.

That feels so good, Kelsey. Keep going. Thanks, Quinn.

Yeah, that does feel good. Keep going.

Do it faster, Kelsey. Do it. Whatever you say, Quinn.

Sorry, this is making me a little uncomfortable.

I feel like I'm in a threesome with two of me.

Wait. What?

'Cause my hand feels too good on your cock?

I don't think I'm gonna last.

Why, 'cause it feels too good? Yes, it feels good.

Sorry, I didn't make it, Kelsey.

That's okay. I'm flattered. Who are you? What is that?

Hi. Hi, hey.

So the toilet is broken.

So I hope you can wait to go to the bathroom.


I was thinking maybe we could get brunch and go to the beach. What do you think?

The beach. Wow. They still have sand at those things?

'Cause I always found that to be the one flaw with beaches.

Come on. Get up.

Okay, you get ready, and I... before we go, I have to stop at my landlord's because I lost my checkbook again.

And the toilet is... Okay.

What is this?

It's a face scrubber.

It's for Edward James Olmos? Jesus!

Oh, my God! Perhaps a sacrificial offering.

You building a pipe organ?

You like my new lipstick?

It's called creamsicle.

What's wrong? Is it something with the toilet?

Quinn? Are you okay, boo?

"Boo"? Yeah.

I can't, I can't.

You can't what? I can't go to the beach.

I don't feel well. What do you want?

I want to go home. I need to go rest.

Okay. Are you angry?

Yeah, a little.

Kel, I'm sorry. I just... need to go home for a minute.


I'm sorry.

Oh, no.

Oh, my God.

Please, God, forgive me. I'm sorry.

Help me live with this guilt or help me get past it.

I think I had to do this with Kelsey to better my relationship with Devon.


Hey. Hey, hey. Hey, you. Wait.

My bush!

It's for love, man. Crime of passion.

What a lucky girl.


What? What are you doing here?

Are your parents here? No.

Oh, my God!

I picked this flower from that angry man's garden.

Did you come from somewhere?

Did you come from 1973?

No. I just wanted to look nice for you.

And you come bearing a rose that you picked.

What do you think I am, a florist?

So you started smoking?

Starting is the hardest part.

So what made you decide to do this?

I realized... that I couldn't run away from you and everything else.

The problem existed somewhere in me and my fears of moving forward.

And you're not feeling curious about other people?

I was, maybe. I don't know.

I think it was just that moment, you know, when you either turn away or go deeper.


I did think I had feelings for Kelsey.

Yeah, I knew it.

Did anything happen? No.

We kissed last night, and then we did a couple other things too.

Did you sleep with her? No.

It was... stupid, but I'm just happy that it's over and...

I mean, it'll be a little uncomfortable with her at work now, but...

Are you kidding me?

What? You're gonna keep working with her?

I need a job, and honestly, she's just a friend.

You are a fucking weaselly fuck! No!

What? No!

Hey. Everything all right?

It's fine, Kurt. Can you just, please...

You didn't tell me your brother was home. I tried calling you, man...

He's my brother. You don't get to call him right now.

And you know what? You're right.

We have problems that we need to figure out separately.

You're not ready. No. Wait.

And maybe you should go be with other girls.

Otherwise, it's always going to be plaguing you.

I'm not plagued. Besides, what girls would I...

Oh, I'm sorry. Let me go and find some girls for you to fuck.

Devon, that's not what I meant.

I just don't know anybody. Just leave.

So now you've got to go bone a bunch of other girls.

I guess. And Devon's all right with this?

She told me I had to.

Kelsey keeps calling, texting. See? You're magnetic.

Okay, so I'll do that with the boning. Take a moment.

Then I'll see what the deal is with Devon. I don't know.

I mean, right now, I have to get it out of my system, like a poison.

Very romantic. It's not supposed to be romantic.

I need to be a guy, a guy who fucks girls.

I need to fucking fuck.

I still don't think you should be with anybody right now.

Maybe we should have a party here or something.

No. My parents are coming back from the Dutch house in a couple months.

A couple months... I'm not looking to remodel.

Look, you just need to clear your head for a moment.

Why don't we go somewhere? Like out of town. Like...

We'll forget about girls.

Yes, thank you. That is what I'm saying.

Great. Yeah, we'll just go be guys.

We'll go be fucking guys. Yes.

This is Fresh Air. I'm Terry Gross.

The fear of ticks is taking some of the pleasure out of walking in the woods...

You ever send a check to them, NPR?

Yeah, all the time.

Yeah, I gotta do that. See, those are the kinda things, you know, when you're in a relationship, that just get... swept under the rug.

I miss Devon. No.

Yes, dude. I think I got it out of my system, you know, with this and the surrey and the weird little horse.

Dude, you have to take time. You know, her brother won't call me back?

What? You called Kurt? Here you go.

I left him a couple messages just saying I hope we can still hang out and be friends.

Dude, that is her brother. But he's my friend.

And it's been, like, two days. Preemptive.

Oh, my God. Quinn, listen.

You really have to chill out, you maniac. You have to be alone.

Don't see anybody. Just take a deep breath.

And enjoy this freedom.

What do I do?

What do people do?


Pennsylvania, ranch, family...



All right.

All right.


Quinn. Hi.

Hi. Hey.

Pull up a saddle.


The last time I was in a saddle was on a horse at summer camp.

I had an anxiety attack and woke up in the cantor's office. No pun intended.


See, if they would just put an Ethiopian restaurant in Ethiopia, it would solve a lot of problems.

Sorry, I'm nervous. Yeah, yeah. I am now too.

So you like the beach?

The beach?

Yeah, well, I saw on...

On what?

I saw on... on Facebook.

Did I, like, write that somewhere or something?

No, no.

Do you know what you're getting? No.


I didn't follow you here.

I just need a moment. Kelsey.

This isn't me. I don't do these kind of things.

Sorry. This is...

I'm the girl Quinn left his girlfriend for.

And you must be the girl he left his girlfriend for the second time after he left me for his girlfriend.

No. Excuse me.

What is going on? How did you know I'd be here?

Facebook. That was a private message.

You're so non-savvy with computers. My ineptitude does not make this okay.

Look, I've been thinking, and I think you made a mistake.

I mean, that we made a mistake because this is not rotten at the core, like there were symptoms of something gone awry that we were ignoring.

And I think that if we were just really honest...

Calm down. I'm just trying to cool off for a moment.

I don't want to see anyone right now.

She's nobody. I'm not seeing her.

Maybe you need to get your eyes checked again because I see the fuck out of her.

You need to grow up.

I'm sorry.

I don't even know what to say.

You can leave now.

I'm not this kind of guy, juggling women.


I think it's out of my system.



What's out of your system?

What are you talking about?

You just said this is out of your system.

What is out of your system?

You're a pint-sized narcissist!

And I could barely feel you inside me!

You sure you got it out of your system? Yes.

It was never in my system to begin with.

Try... this.

I quit my job this morning which is a big step.

Yeah, you made a pledge to NPR, you went on one date, and now you're unemployed. I'd call that personal growth.

Yes. I've matured.

You sure you want Devon?

That's all I've ever wanted.

Cheers to that, man.

And it's been good having you around again.

Cheers, man.

It's spicy.

No, it's good... Good spice. It's painful.

I call it the Oaxacan dirty bomb. It's pleasant though, right?

Just like the name suggests.

It's made with real habanero chilies that I cultivated hydroponically.

I'm gonna go get Devon back. What about your drink?

Hi, Jean.

Is Devon here?



Is Devon here?


Is she here though?

What the fuck are you doing, Quinn? This isn't Anne Frank.

She's not here. What do you want?

I want to be back with her.

I was an idiot.

I know it now, and...

I need her.

I'm falling apart.

Hey, man.

Quinn, I thought when I saw you again, I would slap you till you had to have your jaw wired shut.

But I look at you now and you're like a poor, pathetic, wounded gazelle.

Thank you.

She's gone.

Devon? She left last week.

Where? Paris.

We have family there. She got a place.

She's gonna take a semester off from the university, find herself.

Well, how long is she gonna be there?

I can't get in the middle of this.


Hi. Hi.

I'm so sorry that I showed up at the Ethiopian place.

No. It's fine.

What are you doing?

Honestly, trying to figure out Devon's exact location in Paris so I can chase her down.

Didn't she send flowers through the shop to her, like, grandparents in France?

Their address is probably in the database.

She's not staying with them. They don't speak English.

Well, I really just wanted to say I was sorry for being a total idiot.


Sometimes the healthiest thing we can do is make a fool of ourself.

Yes, Quinn. Hi. Hey, Kurt.

Listen, I want to send her flowers.

A housewarming gift. You gotta let me do that. Please.

I'm an ex-florist, okay? I know what flowers she wants, what she needs.

Can I just have her address? I mean, come on, what am I gonna do?


Quinn. Oh, my God! You're...

You're here.

I am. Okay.


Come on in. All right. You sure or...

Yeah. I mean, I assume that's why you're in Paris, at my door, with a suitcase. Yeah. I mean, if it's a bad time or...

Come in. Okay.

How did you know where I was?

I have my ways.

This is beautiful, nice. Thanks. Yeah. Thanks.

I brought you something.


Clogs. Yeah.

They're handmade, in America. Thanks.

How did you find this place?

Well, a couple who are friends of my mom's...

It's their son's. Yeah.

Is he here? No, no.

He was when I got here, but he is staying in Provence with his family now.

I actually went down there for a couple of days to stay with his family and him.

Yeah? Yeah.

What is he... What does he do, this son? How old is he?

He is 32. He's a classical violinist. He tours around with his dad.

It's funny, I just watched 400 Blows.


Well, I'm just saying 'cause it's French and all, and here we are.

It's... coincidence.

Did he play for you?

Did who... The kid.

Guillaume. Yeah.

Is he okay or... He was amazing.

What did he play? Oh, gee, I think he played some Mozart.

Mozart it's... yeah, it's pretty music.

It's interesting 'cause it's not as technically challenging as other composers, you know, Bach and...

It sounded nice. No. That's the thing. It does, you know.

Even though it's easier.

So how long are...

When are you supposed to go back?

How long are you here for?

Oh, I can't remember. I have to check the ticket.

It's flexible. I mean...


What is happening? Do you not want me here?

No, it's not that. I...

I'm sorry, it's just...

Jesus Christ! I was not expecting this.

Yeah, because it was a surprise.

I'm here in Paris to win you back.

This was supposed to be my time to...

Find yourself, I know. Yeah.

Well, I came to tell you that you can stop looking because you're perfect the way you are.

You know, this has brought up a lot of issues for me too.


I just don't know if you're ready to be with me.

I am. I, you know, explored and grew...

I may need to do that too.

Is there...

Did you meet someone or something?

Wait, you met some fucking guy named Guillaume?

In like the last week?

What happened? Are you with him now? You don't even know him.

This is bullshit. It's not bullshit.

So what? It's real love? Okay. Sorry, I forgot running off to Paris.

The odds are that within the first week, you'll meet the man of your dreams.

The world according to Nancy Meyers. It has nothing to do with getting back at me.

You weren't even supposed to be here. How is this about you right now?

And don't judge my feelings or romances.

You thought you're in love with some wannabe model.

She modelled once for Mervyn's.

And my feelings were misguided and I am now mature enough to see that. Are you?

Have you slept with him? No.

But you stayed with him in Prussia or... Provence.

Whatever and you didn't sleep with him? No.

Did you kiss him? Quinn...

You know what, I don't even want to know.

Where are you going? You don't even know your way back home and you grew up there.

Maybe we should phone Guillaume at his country house and ask him for directions to see if he has any recommendations for city hotspots.

I'm sure he could tell us where the Fitzgeralds, or Hemingway used to smoke opium or whatever. What?

No, it's just...

F. Scott Fitzgerald actually lived in their house in Provence for a while.

Well, that is most fucking amusing.


You don't smoke.

Starting is the hardest part, ma cherie.


It'll put hair on your chest.

I preferred your chest the way it was.

One, two, three.

If I spit it in the water, will it come back to life?

No, no, no, we can't do it on his bed.


Okay, okay.

This is only good if you have scoliosis. Yeah, this is not the greatest.

Oh, my God, that's like a Danish deco, like really expensive.

How about this thing? This thing, it's like a Napoleon era...

I don't give a shit. Just, here. I do, I'm sorry. I'm a guest.


Just be careful. It's like a Franco-Prussian teacup.

What, are you his fucking curator? Sorry, kind of. Kind of.

Good morning. Hi.

Sleep good?

So I was thinking, we should call the airline and try to get tickets to go home today or tonight.


Or tomorrow.


Fuck it! I'm going to enjoy Paris.

I'm not going to let some fucking cultural attache, or whatever he is, ruin my time here.

You want to sip dandelion wine in the country and rave about socialism and eat whelks and winkles and suck the meat out of a cockle, go ahead.

Move to France, why not? Yeah, but...

I'm on vacation. So I'll see you when I see you. And right now...

I'm in the mood for a crepe.

I'm sorry. Wouldn't want to embarrass you by crying in a fucking graveyard.

Why him?

It's not that I want to be with him.

It's just opened my eyes, you know? He... He's older, he cooks.

He and his dad played sonatas for me in their living room.

We talked about art and politics and...

He loves Flaubert.

His family's just very passionate about real stuff and... we just connected.

So he cooks. I'm sorry, I don't cook.

My family ordered in a lot when I was kid.

I think I'd like to be buried here.

Today, if possible.

It must have been a bad crepe, I've never had the dry heaves before.

Yeah, it was incredibly anti-climactic.

What are you doing?

I have a lunch in about an hour.

A lunch? With who?

My grandparents.

I've never met them.

I'm going alone, Quinn.

I'm not invited? Quinn...

I flew all the way out here to be with you and you just sleep with me like I'm some kind of boy-toy and...

Okay, first of all, I didn't ask you to come out here.

No, you couldn't do that because you don't know what you want.

So you're just stringing me along?

Yeah, right, okay. You're the victim. You're the martyr.

Did you pack your crucifix or did they let you carry it on?

Baby Jesus.

I am not martyring myself.

Do you know how selfish this is of you? Of me?

You live your life like it's going to be brilliant when it really counts.

Well, it is passing you by. Look at your music.

How can you be a musician when you're too afraid to play in front of anyone?

I'm a perfectionist. And I told you my hand span...

Shut the fuck up about your goddamned hand span.

You're just mascarading as this sensitive, magnanimous, self-deprecating person.

Your idea of self-deprecation is everybody else's definition of narcissism.


I know you came here to bring me back with you.

But I don't want to go back, I want to move forward.

I feel like I'm just... looking for the name of the disease that makes me make sense.

How do I be a man?

Hello, hello.

Hi! You do speak a little English.

Hello, hello. Okay.

Sorry, I'm late. I couldn't find the address, but then I did.

Quinn... Devon, please.

Look, I've been trying to ask you something.

Quinn, this is Guillaume. Quinn...

I didn't know you were joining us for lunch, pal.

Super. I'm Guillaume.

So nice to meet you.

I thought you were French.

Oh, yeah, well, my father's French. Yeah, just like Devon.

I'll go fetch you a plate.

What is he doing here?

And why's he being so fucking nice to me?

Yeah, what an asshole.

He says, he's sorry that they only have a footstool for you to sit on.

No, no, no. It's my favorite kind of stool.

Yeah, speaking with a French accent isn't going to help him understand you.

He wants you to have an aperitif with him.

I just had a crepe... Okay.

It's Pernod. He says, he's been drinking it since he was a baby.

What's in it? It's derived from licorice.

It's a successor of absinthe, relative of ouzo in Greece.

That does put it in many contexts for me.

She got sushi for me because she knows I like it.

They're saying, you have a French face.

Thank you. It's awkward, because I have an Algerian neck.

So they're always fighting.

They're not going to get it, also it's offensive.

Don't edit my jokes. Fine.

See. The timing wasn't...

I thought it was very funny.

She says, she knows you weren't originally going to come out to Paris.

What changed your mind?

I... realized I couldn't be without Devon.

I want to wake up early just so I can spend more time with her.

When I'm around her, the rhythm of... my breathing... literally changes.

I need her.

That's why I'm here.

What did she say?

She wants to know if anyone wants cheese?



A genius. Yeah.

Second concerto, right?

Yeah. Hey, how about that. Are you a fan?

More familiar with jazz but yeah.

You see, jazz... It all sounds the same to me, no?

Guillaume, what was the story you told me about your violin?

Not much of a story. But... Yes, this is a Jean Baptiste Vuillaume.

There was perhaps 3,000 of them made.

This instrument probably costs somewhere in neighborhood of $250,000.

If you can put a price on it.

It seems unusually small, no?

This is my baby. My godfather is Pierre Boulez. A famous conductor.

And he gave this violin to my father when he was first chair for the Orchestre de Paris.

One of my favorite orchestres.

You know, Quinn, Flaubert said, "Human speech is a cracked kettle

"upon which we tap crude rhythms for the bears to dance to, "while we long to make music to melt the stars."

Quinn plays the piano. Yeah, I do.

Dev, can I ask you something? Oh, yeah? That's so neat.

You going to play for us?


I've never played a Bluthner before.

But I'll give it a shot.

You finished learning it.

Oh, my God. Quinn, your eye is insanely red.

What? What?

It must be the...

What is it? Pingueculitis.

I don't know how to say it in French. I can barely say it in English.

Let me get you a warm washcloth or something.

Okay, excusez-moi. Excusez-moi.

Quinn. I'm in here.

Hi. What the fuck?

Boy, your eye looks crazo.

What? What are you doing here?

The address in the database, remember?

Okay, this is awkward. No shit. This is not okay.

I am making a fool of myself just like you said.

No. No, no, no. I...

Thank you for coming all the way out here for me, Kelsey. Quinn...

Stop talking to me as me. That's insane that you do that.

I don't feel that way about you, Kelsey. Jesus, I'm sorry. I...

I was actually...

No, no, no. No prostituée. A friend. A comrade.

My Vuillaume.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Jameson, pick up. Fuck!


Kurt, don't hang up. Please. I'm in trouble.

- You're in trouble? Yes.

I mean, not physically. Although, kind of.

All right.

I want your sister back. I'm in Paris and I need her. I want to marry her.

She's about to go to Provence, with some French tool.

Dude, I'm in the middle of a job interview right now.

Kurt, please! You're my friend. You want her?

Because if you hurt her again, I will destroy you.

I know. I won't, I promise.


All right. You listen very carefully, okay?

And I'm not just saying this because I know my sister, I'm saying this because I know women.

If you tell her, she can't see him.

She will see him.

And she will fuck him... tonight.

Man, I don't know. She will fuck him.

Well, what do I do then?


Hello? Kurt, hello?



I have caused quite a... tumult... here today.

You want to translate that or they'll get the gist?

Or you can recap.

Anyhow, I am sorry to everyone.

I hope to make it up and repay you all... emotionally.

I did this in a clumsy attempt to win you back, Devon.

I apologize for the carnage that has accrued along the way.

Needless to say, I'll be going home now.

I love you, Devon.

I hope you can remember that.



Like any organ does as we grow older, the eye deteriorates...

My baby boy.

So Paris was what? All right?

It was... I don't want to say epically emasculating on a trans-continental level. But...

No, actually I do. Yeah, it's hard being a man?

And the hardest part is that it becomes less acceptable to be a boy.

Do you love her? Devon?

I love her so much. But I screwed up.

How did you know where I was?

I have my ways.

I heard you were coming back tomorrow.

I wanted to surprise you.

Pretty sweet gig. Yeah.

They pay me in pad see ew, but...

You know, I could stay with Jameson tonight if you want some space.


I came back for you.


I missed you. There is a ring in my trunk.

What? I have something in my trunk that I wanted to give you just at some point.

What? What is it? Did you say a ring? A ring?


Are you... are you proposing to me?

Hang on.


What is this?

I guess, I guess...

I'm asking you to... marry me. You guess?

No. No, no, no. I am. I...

I am.

Here. Okay.


Devon, will you marry me?

Oh, my God, yes.

Yes? Yeah.

I will.

I can't believe you did this.

I can't either.

I wanted it to be more romantic. But... No.

I just couldn't wait. I couldn't wait.

I love you.

I love you.

There's one last thing I should probably tell you.


I slept with someone while we were apart and I told you I hadn't seen anybody.

And that happened, but we weren't together.

You didn't even know her. It was just purely me trying to get it out of my system.

Like you said, I didn't even like it.

I just... wanted to have a clean slate before we get married and that's that.


Are you mad?

You don't want to...

I'm sorry.

You okay?

How could you?

How could you ruin this moment for me?

I'm not even upset about the other part, but...

I can't tell my friends, my parents this story.

Sure, you can. You can leave this part out.

Just not even excited anymore.

I'm not happy.

And it's fucking September 11th.

Shit, is that today?

I didn't realize.

Well, we'll never forget.

But we can just get past this.

I mean, we're still going to get married.

I don't want to talk about it right now.

You're not considering not... marrying me, are you?

I don't want to talk about it.

But I... I... I made a mistake.

I was just trying to be honest with you, for us.

Not for me. I swear.

I've been dreaming about how I was going to propose to my girlfriend since third grade.

This was not what it looked like.

Fuck. Fuck. I ruined it. I fucked this up.

You're the love of my life. I fucked this up.

I've ruined your moment too. Please, just say yes.

Call people. Enjoy this. I'll do anything.

Just come back outside. I'll propose again. Please, just switch your brain off.

It's willpower. Please! I'm sorry! Please say yes. Say yes!

Please! Please say yes! Okay, okay.




What the fuck is that?

The net didn't open. What?

The plan was to propose when you got back.

And if you said yes, I was going to pull this string.

I didn't have time to test it. It's filled with rose petals, but...

I guess, I rigged it wrong.

That's a good thing that you didn't propose to me here.

It would've been a total disaster.


You want to try again?