Wet Hot American Summer (2001) Script

Guys, we gotta get outta here.


You guys aren't supposed to be out of your bunks.

You're in trouble.

Wake up!


You guys!

Let's go, girls! You look hot.

The bunk 5 boys are gonna freak out when they see you at kick ball. Let's go.

Ow!

All right, let's go.

Good morning, everybody.

Well, it's the last day of camp...

And it will be sad to shut down wcfw for the summer.

But not to worry, because those of you in the bethesda/chevy chase area...

Can hear me all winter long on Jewish day school radio 89.9 f.M...

"The fox."

For those select few of you who went all summer, all eight weeks without finding that special someone, today is your day, 'cause you don't wanna go back home...

And lie to your friends about a summer romance that didn't even happen.

And you don't want to be the one person...

Who doesn't have anyone to kiss tonight after the talent show.

So, seize the day, camp firewood, because it's your last.


Coop, do you like watching me and Andy make out?

No. What a weird thing to say.

You look so sexy in this sweatshirt. Uh-huh.

Your ass is so hot. Stop it!

Do you want to be my boyfriend? No.

I get it. It's very funny. Stop.

Oh, Coop, you know I'm just kidding.

I know, and it's very, very funny.

Okay. I'm sorry.

Want me to make it up to you? No, you've done enough already.

I'm gonna find you a woman today. Honestly, don't worry about it.

No. And I'm not gonna rest until my mission is accomplished, okay?

Okay. Then I'll cancel that order of onions and limburger cheese I made for lunch today.

Ha-ha. Yeah.

I want you inside me. What?

Hey, what's up? I was just...

From before.

Coop, were you just talking to Katie? What was that?

That was, bar none, the longest conversation I've had with her in six years of camp.

Does she want to fuck me? Is that what she was asking you about?

Because, tell her that I will. In fact...

No, don't tell her that I will. Tell her that I might.

Victor, I hate to break it to you, but your name didn't even come up.

She definitely wants to fuck me.

Why else would she be talking to you?

No offense. None taken.

Hello. Hi.

Uh, hi. Hi. I'm Beth.

Nice to meet you. I'm Henry.

I've been seeing you around, so I thought I'd take a chance...

And introduce myself.

Thank you. So...

So, you work at the camp?

I'm the camp director. How about yourself? - Me?

I don't work over there. No, I know.

I'm the director. I would know...

If you were... Right. You would know that.

I teach astrophysics over at the college in the school year.

And I came here this summer just to, you know, relax and reflect.

Wow! You're a Professor. What do you teach?

Well, like I said before, astrophysics.

I study space, stars, comets and that kind of thing.

"Space... The final frontier."

Right. Thanks for everything.

Hey! You know what? It would be a great idea...

If you came by the camp and taught the campers about space.

No, I couldn't... They'd love it.

No, I couldn't possibly.

It would be just... I said no!

Sorry. That was...

Oh, Coop. Look at Abby.

Oh, she wants to fuck me. So help me God.

She wants to fuck me.

And this time, Victor, I'm sure it's true.

I have to admit. Abby Bernstein is one of the only Berry bushes...

That I have yet to pollinate, if you get my meaning.

You mean, she's the only girl at camp you haven't done it with yet?

That's exactly what I mean.

Hey, gene. Any mashed potatoes?

Gary! Bring out the taters!

Here they are. Hey, Gary.

Hey, dude, what's up? Hey, guys.

What'd you say, shithead?

I said, "hey, guys." What's your glitz, gene?

Listen to me, you fucked-up little cigarette-smoking piece of shit.

I was in the Vietnam war.

I know. Oh, yeah.

The 'nam.

Excuse me, ladies. You may remember me...

As the guy who came to dinner a few weeks ago with underwear on my head.

My name is Keith stack.

From millburn, New Jersey. State bird: The mosquito.

And as you may have heard, I am recently...

A crowned class-b dungeon master.

So if any of you would like to play "d & d" today, please speak now or forever hold your peace.

Anyone?

Alexa, maybe you'd like to join in?

We do need a druid, and you have definitely cast...

A level-five charm spell on me.

In your dreams, douche bag.

Douche bags are hygienic products. I take that as a compliment.

Thank you. Ewww! Ewww!

Well, we made it to the end of the summer in one piece, except for a few campers who are lepers.

Good one, Beth.

Thank you, gene.

Excuse me. Could you tell me where I could find the, uh...

How do I put this? The, uh, Sci-Fi, nerdy, indoor kids?

Bunk 3. Oh, yeah. Thanks.

Hey, guys.

I'm associate Professor neumann.

Who'd like to spend the last day at camp doing science projects?

Okay, okay. Okay, cool.

I've seen more fucked-up shit happen in five minutes out there...

Than you'll see in your whole fucking life.

Gene, I'm really sorry, you know. If I could change history, I would.

Fuck you! We need to make eight gallons of bug juice by snack hour.

Do you know where the powder packets are?

In the pantry over the sink, right next to my bottle of dick cream!

Wait.

Ignore that last comment.

Did you say dick cream? No.

I said stick team.

You know, stickball? Forget about it. Go away! Leave me alone.

I'm pretty sure he said dick cream, but...

Victor.

I need you and Neil to take the eagles out on moose river. I made them a promise.

It's the last day of camp. It's not gonna work for me.

It's not gonna work for you? No.

It's not gonna work for you. Okay, how about this as a compromise?

The eagles are going to go out on moose river...

And you and Neil are going to take them. - What?

Everybody focus up. All eyes here.

I would like to announce that Ben and I are planning to produce a musical number...

From godspell for the talent show tonight.

I'm sorry. Ben is producing, I am directing/choreographing.

I'm speaking from personal experience, but if you can't carry a tune...

Don't come to the audition and waste our time.

We're serious. And bring a lot of movement clothes, a.K.A. Jazz shoes, dance belts, lycras, et Al.

And seriously, f.Y.I., you guys, this is not an excuse to get out of your regular activities.

This is an excuse to do some good musical theater.

So, be prepared, be enthusiastic...

And leave your bullshit attitude and baggage at the door, 'cause we don't need it!

Hey, you guys!

Oh, I was thinking maybe we could take a walk later, maybe go out to gunner's pass one last time.

Goddamn it, Katie! You're suffocating me!

I'm chokin', all right? Give me some breathing room.

I just want to spend some time with you. It's our last day at camp.

My butt itches. What are you talking about?

We're soul mates, right? What? Yeah.

Whatever, if you want. J.J., save me a waffle, man.

Andy, I'm serious. Come on.

I just want it to be special. Fuck you, dyke!

Why are you being such an asshole? I gotta finish my breakfast.

I love you, baby. So good talking to you.

Yeah, see you in macrame.

One last, successful b.K.F.S.T...

Becomes one for the record books.

And with t-minus 11 hours to the big talent show, we sail on aboard the good ship firewood...

Toward a little oasis that I like to call...

Morning activity time.

What's going on with Silas?

You didn't hear? He got kicked out of camp. - Why?

He snuck into the office and videotaped himself jerking off. - You're kidding!

Where's the tape? He hid it.

We gotta get that tape. - It's a subject matter I'm sure you're familiar with, McKinley.

Shut up, j.J. You shut up.

You shut up. You shut up.

One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four.

And one, and one. Step aside. Step aside.

All right. Stop it!

Okay, kids. Um, today we're going to use...

Some crayons...

To make some decorations for the talent show.

Is that your wedding ring, Gail? Um, no.

I mean, yes, actually. Yes, it is. It was.

It was. It used to be, I mean, legally.

It's so twisted. His lawyer won't even call me now.

Where are the crayons? The crayons are...

The crayon is right there.

We could draw with the markers.

Listen, Valerie, I need you to be helpful here, okay?

I do not need you to undermine me, okay?

But there's only one crayon, and it's brown.

There are literally hundreds of colored markers.

Hey.

Going on your trip?

Yep.

Sucks dick we never got to know each other.

Yeah.

You got a stick of gum, Victor?

I thought you'd never ask.

Abby! My trip... It doesn't come back until tomorrow.

Don't go. I can't, because Beth told me...

Let's go.

Ah!

This is "the beekeeper" here on camp firewood radio.

I've got my drones working hard on a breakfast time rock... hey.

Arty, I need you to take a shower. Okay.

Your parents are coming tomorrow. I don't want to get in trouble.

Sure. - You haven't taken a shower once yet this summer.

Fine. No problem. Arty, take a shower.

You're covered in dirt.

Fine.

This is arty Solomon here.

Alias, "the beekeeper."

You guys, I'm really gonna miss this place. - Me too.

Hey, let's all promise that in ten years from today we'll meet again...

And we'll see what kind of people we've blossomed into.

Yeah! What time you wanna meet?

You mean ten years from now? Yeah.

Let's meet in the morning so we can make a day of it.

Okay, so what is it? Is it like 9:00 or 9:30?

Let's say 9:00, that way we can be here by 9:30.

Why don't we say 9:30, and then make it your beeswax to be here at 9:30?

We're gonna be in our late 20's. I don't see any reason we can't be places on time.

Okay, it's settled. 9:30 it is.

All agreed? Agreed.

Great, 'cause I have something at 11:00.

You've got a trapper keeper full of appointments, right?

No, I have something at 11:00 that I can't change 'cause I already moved it twice.

What are you looking at?

Is there a u.F.O. In the sky?

No, no. It's nothing you need worry about...

Yet.

Andy? Are you gonna clean that up?

Oh, yeah, I will.

Uh, I just got... I don't have time now.

Clean it up and come to my office for the meeting.

I gotta...


Damn!

Gail, are you okay? Yeah, I'm okay.

It's just that my husband Ron...

You know... No, he's my ex-husband.

I guess I have to get used to that.

I have to get used to saying ex, ex, ex.

He's my ex, ex-husband.

You know, it's just that I thought, like...

When Jonas and I separated, I thought everything was lost.

And then I met Ron...

And it just seemed like everything was gonna work out, you know?

Keep going. We're with you. I'm a total wreck! I don't even know where the crayons are.

I know, I know. Gail, listen to me. I'm a loser. What?

Ron's who he is and you can't change that. - I know.

Okay?

Gail, listen to me. Look at me. I am.

Gail, look at me. Gail, look at me.

I want you to say "okay."

Why? I want you to say "okay."

Okay. Okay. Good.

I'd like to take this opportunity to thank you all...

For making the last eight weeks, without rival, the best summer of my entire life.

Okay, let's get to business.

Coop, the camp goat took a shit in the infirmary.

I need you to take care of that, please. That's impossible!

It is possible, and it happened... On my shoes.

Abby, bunk 8 wants to watch the China syndrome again, so run the betamax.

Again? What can I say? They love it. McKinley.

Four lower campers are stuck in the ropes course. I meant to tell you yesterday.

Could you get to it now? And last, but certainly not least, tonight is the big talent show.

We have a lot of hard work ahead of us. A few ground rules...

Hey. Hey!

I'm serious here. I am not joking around.

I am not jok... I am not Ruth buzzi standing here.

I am no Ruth buzzi standing here!

Steve? What you got there?

I have been programmed...

By my galactic master...

Not to talk to earth denizens...

Of classifications j.J. And McKinley-I-zoid.

Your brother is such a freak. I know.

Katie, you're hot, right?

By all accounts, you would be considered "hot." Is that correct?

Uh, I suppose so.

So if one wanted to be hot and make a good impression, what would you wear?

You put on a clean pair of pants?

Beth, come on. Pants? Are you kidding?

Yes. Pants.

Of course I'm kidding.

You didn't get I'm kidding? Unless you're kidding.

'Cause pants, Katie. Come on, please. Pants.

So would you... slacks? Pants?

I don't know. I think I'd wear a sexy dress or something.

That? Oh, you're good. Sexy dress.

Okay. Uh, that's "a."

Um, what else... what else would one do if one were...

I'd do my hair. Oh, get out of town!

I'm not getting out of town, and I'm serious. And I'd use a little mousse.

Moose, as in...

No, as "mousse" for your hair. Right! Right!

Okay. Wait a minute, Beth. Are you... What?

Huh? What's up?

You dog! You have a crush on somebody!

I do have a crush. I just don't believe he's interested. - What?

Beth, do not worry. Come with me and I will mousse you up.

Hey, Andy, can I take out the motorboat and drive around the lake?

Sure. Wow! Thanks.

Just make sure you fill it up with gas when you're done, and watch out...

Yeah, whatever.

Man, I'd give anything for two minutes in the closet with Lindsay.

What about Katie? Who?

Excellent.

Hey. Whatcha writin' on?

My "gurnal."

I write my thoughts in it every day.

Oh, you mean a journal.

Yeah, whatever.

Guess I'm not all smart like you.

Can I see what you're writing?

Only three people are allowed to look at this... me, myself and I.

But I want you to share it with me.

Hey!

Let's see. Debbie waxman?

No. She makes that weird piggy face when she talks, you know?

Yeah. Okay, good. No piggy face.

Rachel Schwartz. No.

Come on, she's a slut. She'll go. I'll pass.

Yeah, you're not really a slut type. Yes, I am.

I love sluts. Sluts rock. It's just gotta be the right slut.

What about susie?

Yeah. I could go for susie.

She and I went out my first summer here.

When you were ten? Yeah, we were ten, but we were into some heavy shit.

Did you go all the way?

You bet we went all the way. We went all the way back too.

We did doggy style, pony style.

Style council. That's a good band. They're hot now. Human league.

They have some good stuff.

League of nations. That brings in the whole thing of united nations.

That brings in the whole category of countries.

Where to start? Well, the obvious one.

The birthplace of spaghetti and pasta, all the oily stuff... Italy.

Now you go. Um...

How about Italy? Yeah, good! It's safe.

I kind of paved the way with that one, but...

What?

What? Hey, guys.

Hi, Nancy. Hi, Katie.

Coop, goat shit.

Whoo-hoo! Ow!

Andy! Help me!

You French great. Andy!

You're not so bad yourself, Mr. man. Andy, help me!

I can't swim! Cut it out, Bobby. You're fine.

For chrissake, Andy, help me, I'm drowning.

No, you can't hear the ocean, but you can learn a great deal about our world.

Hi, guys. Hey, Beth.

Like the new look. Tres chic.

Thank you, Henry. Please, call me Henry.

Okay, Henry it is.

I see you decided to come teach the campers, Henry.

Yeah. I'm sorry I snapped at you before.

I'm a little shy around children. But it's been great!

I've got them making miniature black holes with paper clips and soot.

What you do is so fascinating!

You really like astrophysics? - I love it! It's my biggest hobby. I love it.

Really? Okay. Who's your favorite astrophysicist?

My fav... I totally know this one.

Okay, any...

What time is it? Um...

9:00, 9:30.

I'm so late. I have to go meet Jim... stansel.

You know Jim? He's that guy. Uh-huh.

So I'll talk to you later. Okay? Okay.

Okay. Okay. Later, then.

Andy, have you seen my swimming buddy?

Um... If I can't find him, I'm telling Beth that you let him drown.

I was busy. - It's your job to make sure kids don't drown.

Lindsay, I need like 20 minutes, all right?

Gotta talk to this kid.

Andy, where are we going?

To a big, secret pizza party.

Wow! Cool. I love pizza.

Yeah, well...

Nancy! Hello.

If I was looking for a book on astrophysics, where would I find one?

Off the top of my head, I'd have to say a bookstore.

Or a library. Right.

Just curious. Keep up the good work.

Okay.

Excuse me. Uh, Nancy.

Say I wanted to get a book on, um...

What?

Camp directing, I guess. Would that be... Henry.

Henry! Library.

Ooh. Thank you!

Beth! Beth!

If you're going into town, can you pick me up something at the drugstore?

Beth, come on. My husband's coming today and I need some lube.

For my pussy.

Oh, cool!

Beth's going into town. Let's go! Wait, wait!

No, no, no. No, no, no, no.

Come on, Coop! Come on!

Whoo!

Whoo!


Come on.


Hey, guys, how was waterville?

It was really fun. - It's always fun to get away from camp, even for an hour.

Katie! I'll see you later maybe?

Definitely.

Guys, wait up!

How far away is this goddamn river?

It's at least two hours, Vic. Try to forget about Abby.

I can't, Neil, okay? This is my only chance.

What are you talking about?

I'm gonna tell you something, but I swear to God, if you tell anybody...

I swear to God! What? Wha...

I'm a virgin. Wha...

You're joking. Right, dude?

You're the stallion. You've had like 50 or 60 women, so I mean...

Actually, it's closer to... zero.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

You're a loser. You are a loser!

Oh, my God. Don't. I...

You're such a loser.

What? What?

You listen to me, Mr. kickass.

Mr. rubber burner.

You wipe that hotshot grin off your face or I'll shoot it off you.

You got that? Now finish up them taters.

I'm gonna go fondle my sweaters. Come on. What?

Finish up the taters. Then what did you say?

Then what did I say? - You said you were gonna go fondle your sweaters.

I... no, I didn't.

I said I'm gonna fondue with cheddar.

I was thinking about making fondue with cheddar cheese for dinner tonight.

No, gene, that is not what you said. It is what I said.

Fondue with cheddar.

Okay, fine.

Okay, see you later.

See ya.

I'm just gonna stop by my bunk for a real quick sec.

Maybe you should talk to him.

So rabbi rothstein says, "SIM, SIM, SIM, SIM, ata..."

Hey, McKinley.

Did you take that shower yet? Yeah, of course.

Did you? No.

Take a shower.

Sorry, folks for the "coitus interuptus," if you will.

I know you're all hungry for the picnic, so don't eat too many barbecued bovine muscles.

Those being hamburgers. Thank you.

Gail, if I could just interject something here.

This is gonna sound like I'm putting down my own gender, but the truth is, a lot of the time men can be real...

And excuse the yiddish... Insensitive schmucks.

It's true. I know.

I know. It's just that I'm 34 years old.

You know?

I'm just afraid I'm never gonna meet anybody.

Shh. Just breathe. Shh. It's so sad.

Breathe. Shh. Just breathe.

Oh, God!

Your hands are magic.

There you go. You, my friend, are a magician.

Okay!

Everyone! Immediately! Out of the van.

Get out of the van. Out. Out.

What are you doing? I'm going back to camp.

I'll come back in the morning and pick you up. - Wait a second.

What, Neil? - Wait a minute. You can't get there and back by sunup.

I am going to be with Abby Bernstein tonight. And if you don't like it, you know what?

You could just go ahead and fuck yourself!

Hey!

You're making a big mistake, Victor pulak.

A big mistake.

Oh, shit!

Abby!

Hey, Abby.

I thought this was a different bunk. No.

Am I bothering you? No, not at all.

You wanna come sit on the bed?


What? What?

I just want to take off my shirt.

Where are we going? I don't know. Victor took the maps.

Shut up and paddle. I want Victor back.

We all want him back, Sammy, but he's not coming back. - My name isn't Sammy.

We'll die without him. He's the only one who can navigate the river.

Fine, you're right. I'll find the son of a gun.

I'll bring him back here if it's the last thing I do, dead or alive.

Alive. We want him alive.

Okay. Wait here.

Okay. Okay.

All right.


Ahh!

Oh, my God!

Look at Lindsay's chicken wings.

Debbie Epstein has, like, playboy titties!

It's just like klute! - Holy shit, you guys! Look, look, look.

Bend over, yes. Take 'em off, take 'em off. Yes! Yes!

Guys, I'm gonna catch up with you later, okay?

Dude, that's kind of sad.

He gets so uncomfortable whenever we talk openly about sexual issues.

You know, he's never been with a girl before.

McKinley needs to experience the ultimate.

I think you know what I'm talking about.

You mean penis in vagina?

No, dickhead. Sex.

Oh, oh, oh.

They're total nymphos! Throw the ball!

Yes!

I'm sure we can convince one of the girls from bunk 10 to boink McKinley.

They're really horny this summer.

Where did he go, anyway? I don't know.

Probably went to write his mommy and daddy a letter. - What a fag!

Who are we gonna set him up with? How about Debbie?

No, she's got mono. Right.

How about Debbie? Who?

You know, Debbie Debbie. Oh, Debbie Debbie. No, she's his cousin.

How about tall Debbie? Too tall.

How about Debbie Freeman? She's in heat!

She wants to French. - No, you shithead. She wants to get boned.

Then I want her. You're being ridiculous.

I'm not being ridiculous! I'm just saying I want her.

This isn't about you. This is about McKinley.

Haven't you been listening to what we've been saying? We're trying to get our friend laid.

Ah! Point taken. Okay. Tonight...

Get McKinley laid. Come hell or high water?

Secret handshake?

Get McKinley laid!


As everybody knows, today is the big culminating, climactic softball game...

Against evil camp tiger claw. Boo!

We have put together an unlikely...

Team of misfits, and we've been training like crazy all summer.

Yeah, it's a motley crew that you'd think...

Would never be able to win a single game.

We had a kooky training period where it seemed like...

It seemed like nothing was gonna go right. But, guys, somehow we made it to the finals.

So I say, when those anonymously evil campers from tiger claw get here, we give it our best shot, and we try to come from behind at the last minute...

With some weird trick play that we made up and we win the game.

What do you say, team?

It sounds like well-worn territory.

The whole thing feels kind of trite. I say we forget it.

Is that how everybody feels? Yeah.

Well, it's fine with me.

So listen, they just aren't into it. It's kind of trite.

Yeah, you're right. No problem, man.

It's sort of hackneyed. Tried and done before.

See you later, man.

It's no big deal. They were totally cool.

Okay? All right.

Susie is gonna score with McKinley.

Then he's gonna need some eyewitnesses for verification.

Let's go!

Why does she still have her clothes on?

Looks like she's playing the flute. Oh, wow. Kinky.

As bared witness by myself, all of camp firewood and the higher power, however you define it, I hereby consecrate and sanctify the union...

Of McKinley and Ben.

May their majestic and blessed love...

Flourish all the days of their lives.

Amen. Amen.

Amen.

McKinley's a fag.

McKinley's a fag with Ben! What are we gonna do?

Capture the flag!

Hey, aren't you gonna eat anything?

I'm not hungry.

So, you haven't made many friends this summer, have you?

No, I have not.

Let's drop the robot voice, shall we? Okay.

This your first summer here? Fifth. You were my counselor...

Three times. Now I'm the camp director.

If there's anything I can do to make your last day more enjoyable, let me know.

Really?

I have an idea. How about whatever you've been working on is your talent tonight?

That way, the other campers can get to know you.

It's not a song or anything. - It's okay. I'll have susie put you on the list.

Oh, God! Thank you!

How was the waterfront this morning? It was good.

We gonna get a chance to spend time together?

Are you gonna pound this into my face all day?

Sorry.

Apology accepted.

Guess what. A bunch of us went into town and got ice cream and hamburgers...

It smells like the ribs are ready.

Beth, I may regret saying this, but how dare you usurp my authority as producer... - Hmpf!

Director/choreographer of the talent show?

You were wrong to do that!

I have been busting my balls, woman!

I am telling you, the musical numbers are a mess, my kids are a bunch of amateurs, and the last thing I need today is some diabetic freak...

Prancing around on stage making my life a living hell!

All right, I'll put him last.

Good.

Oh, she always wins!

Don't pick it up, stupid!

Stop picking it up!

You see? This is us, and we're traveling around the sun.

That's a 1.3 million mile trip every year!

Radical.

You might say that each and every one of us...

Is a crew member here on spaceship earth.

When would we say that? Any time.

Dinner. Literally any time.

You're amazing. I hope I can come to your college and you can be my Professor.

Actually, I, uh...

I'm just an associate Professor.

What does that mean? Melvyn!

No, no, it's all right.

It means, melvyn...

It means that I'm...

Less than.

Oh, God!

Hey! What's goin' on?

Hey, Beth. We're just having ourselves a little cry.

I know what this group needs.

How 'bout we grab some lunch and watch the "capture the flag" game?

What do you say? I think we'll take a rain check, Beth.

We're in the middle of some pretty interesting stuff. - I'll make you a deal.

You come watch the "capture the flag game" with the normal kids, and then you can have the whole rest of the day to learn about planets, stars, pulsars, heliocentricity, gravitational collapse...

And the science of celestial mechanics...

As shown through the work of the 19th century scientists...

Alexis clairaut, Jean d'alembert and Pierre laplace.

Okay? Ready? Okay!

Break!

Gee, I was really impressed by some of the stuff you said back there.

Oh, it was... - No, Beth, you know what you're talking about.

I don't know where you find the time to learn about astrophysics.

I mean, with camp payroll and insurance to deal with.

Keeping parents happy, supervising a young staff.

Keeping everyone fed. Wow.

It was in 1908 that the first American summer camps were founded in the catskills.

Is there any more corn? What?

More corn. Oh, dude.

You got... What, dude?

What? What are you doing with your hand?

On your face. You, uh...

Cat got your tongue, Andy? What is it?

You have barbecue sauce all over your face.

I know that. So? It's pretty foul.

It's just barbecue sauce. Come on. I wanna make out.

Okay, but not here.

What's it like being a Professor?

What do they say, "publish or perish"? Well, perish mostly.

I'm up for tenure this fall.

If I don't make my mark soon, I could end up out of work.

But you're so talented!

Tell that to my Dean.

Okay. Okay, what's his address?

You serious? 56 linden Lane.

Okay. City? God, you're really... Augusta.

State? - I can't believe... Well, Maine, of course.

Zip? This is... 04139.

Does he have an apartment number? No!

Beth, this is incredible. I don't know how to thank you.

You already have, Henry. You already have.

This is crazy. This is crazy.


That's it, Lars.

Good. Keep your feet together.

You got it. Good.

Aah!

You taste like a burger. I don't like you anymore.

Whatever!

Damn it!

Is it my turn yet?

So, this is where I come when I want to think.

Wow!

It's very...

Barn-like.

You know, it's weird, Coop.

I was supposed to be in the woods with Andy this afternoon, but...

Oh. I'm sorry. We can go back. We should go back.

No, no! It's okay. I can see him later.

Give me your hand.

It's cold.

Yeah. I'm freezing.

Do you want my sweatshirt?

Do you mind?

Okay, Coop, now I'm colder than I was before when I said I was cold.

Well, do you want my flannel?

Yeah.

This is cool! It's really a great shirt. I love it.

It's my favorite shirt.

So... you're gonna have to give it back.

Now?

Yeah.

What are we doing?

Do you mean like switching our shirts? No.

What are we doing?

I don't know.

Okay, so I'm Ron and I'm calling you. Here we go. Ring, ring.

Hello? Hi, Gail.

It's me, Ron.

Hi, Ron. What do you want? Um, well...

I'm ready to give our marriage another shot. What do you say?

Um...

Be strong, Gail!

No. No, Ron, it's over.

Good-bye.

Hi, mom. Could you get dad?

Just get him.

Hi, dad. Okay, are you guys sitting down?

I met somebody. Well, she's got this other boyfriend, but, well, it's just a matter of time, I think.

Her name is Katie, and she's really great.

And, um... what? I don't think so.

She might be. She's got a pretty big nose.

Well, I know how you guys worry that I have trouble meeting girls.

And I'm just saying, worry no more.

Well, I should get going. She's probably looking for me.

Okay, I'll talk to you guys tomorrow. Bye-bye.

This feels so good.

Maybe you shouldn't jump the gun just yet, Coop.

Very good, very good.

A-plus for comedy, Beth.

Ruth buzzi better watch her back.

Beth! "Jump the gun."

Okay, stop! I feel like I'm watching regional theater, you guys.

God, am I at the Cleveland playhouse or something?

Your craft is a muscle! You need to exercise it!

Take a break! Think about what you've done.

Gee, susie, have you seen Katie anywhere?

No. Why?

No particular reason. But if you see her, will you tell her I'm looking for her?

Sure. Okay.

All right, with passion!

Katie! Are you in here?

Oh, hi.

Um, I want to talk to you later, okay?

Oh, yeah. Sure.

Dinner!

Have you seen j.J. And Gary? Do you know where they are? - Don't know.

I'm a little worried they might have found out about us. - Hey!

McKinley and Ben!

This is for you.

It's a chaise lounge.

We didn't know if maybe you guys already had one. We have the receipt if you do.

No, we don't have one. Thank you!

It goes with the chenille throw cloth Beth's sister gave us.

Okay, everybody, attention. I've got an announcement.

I know you're all getting ready for the big talent show tonight, but the following campers need to put their trunks out...

So the early bus to Boston can pick them up at 7:30 A.M.

Amanda klein, Jessica azaria, ira stevenberg, sol zimmerstein, uh, David... Ben gurion.

Cookin' slop for the grunts in 'nam was easier than this.

We had no place being over there.

It was a war we couldn't win, gene.

Yeah, well I'm gonna go smear some mud on my ass.

What?

I said, "I hear my bud's in class."

I gotta go and call my bud and see how his grades are.

I, I gotta go. Go away, leave me alone. - Gene, hold on.

Look, I don't care what you do in your private time, but don't lie about it.

I mean, you clearly said, "smear mud on my ass."

And I'll tell you something. If you wanna smear mud on your ass, smear mud on your ass.

Just be honest about it.

Look, gene, I've never told anyone this before.

But I can suck my own dick. And I do it.

A lot.

There, I said it. I was honest.

And you know what, gene?

Being honest makes you feel better.

Hey, Katie, wait. I'm sorry about before.

I hope that wasn't bad timing. No.

Coop, we have to talk. Sure.

I was thinking that what happened between us before was a mistake.

And, uh... What?

I wasn't thinking straight. It was wrong.

No, it wasn't wrong. Katie, why are you doing this?

I'm really sorry.

Come on! This is a joke, right?

I have a boyfriend, Coop.

And I can't... I can't do this. I'm sorry.

Wait, Katie!

When we first started hanging out together this morning...

We were just friends.

But things change, and I've fallen in love with you.

And I just, I just know that if you gave me a chance, I could make you feel so good.

So I'm coming to you, not as your buddy, and not as a co-counselor, but for the first time as a man.

A man who loves a woman, and who wants to hold her, and provide for her, and, yes, have sex with her.

But, seriously, Katie, I love the way you laugh.

And I love the way your hair smells.

And I love it that sometimes for no reason, you're late for shul.

And I don't care that you're bowlegged and bilingual.

All I know is I would have said "no" to every person on your list...

Because I've always wanted you.

Coop, I don't know what to say.

Coop, wait!

Rachael clipperhofferman, Steven schenk... Beth!

Can I make a quick announcement before we finish up? - Sure thing.

I want to thank all of you for a terrific summer.

Cooking for all you nice people...

Has really helped me get over the fact that I fought in the Vietnam war.

Have a great winter! I'm gonna go hump the fridge!

What?

Yes, folks, it's true. I said, "I'm gonna go hump the fridge."

What you may not know is that I also own a bottle of dick cream.

I fondle my sweaters, and I often like to smear mud on my ass.

You're probably asking yourselves, "isn't he a weirdo, outcast, loose Cannon?"

Maybe. I don't think so.

I want to introduce you guys to someone. This is my friend.

I don't know who he is, but I do know this.

At a time when I was trying to hide myself from myself, he was there to show me a new way.

Because I couldn't hide from him.

And I can be proud of who I am.

I put it to you, camp firewood, as we spend our last dinner together: Be proud of who you are!

Look at me, ma!

I made it! I'm okay!

Now, if you don't mind,

I have some unfinished business to attend to.

Great!

Hey! Hey!

You fuckin' assholes! Let me go!

No! No! No!

Please, stop! No, no, no!

No! No!

Oh, Henry, I'm so happy.

But what will become of us tomorrow?

Hey, you. Penny for your thoughts.

Beth, tomorrow's the least of our problems.

Don't tell me. Don't even tell me you have crabs.

No. Well, yes, but that's not the point.

What is the point? - This isn't the time or the place to discuss it.

Beth, meet me at the picnic table in ten seconds. I'll tell you all about it.

Okay.

Beth, hello. Thanks for coming. Let's get right to it.

You may recall ten seconds ago, I asked you to join me here by the picnic table...

So I could tell you what's going on.

Well, earlier today, I saw what I thought was possibly a planet, also possibly a meteor in the evening sky.

I now believe that object was none other...

Than a renegade piece of skylab, the NASA space station.

And it's heading right for the camp. Oh, my God!

And there's more. We have no way of pinpointing exactly where it's going to land.

It could kill us all! Jesus!

Wait a minute! There might be a way...

To build a homemade skylab tracking device!

Which accomplishes? - We could surmise the location of impact.

We could avert a tragedy on the scale of the hindenburg.

Beth, will you help us? Anything you need.

Let's do it!

Hey, Andy?

Can I talk to you for a second? Sure.

Okay, well... Time's up.

You said a second.

I want to ask you something. - So you want to talk for more than a second?

Yeah. What is it then? Like a couple minutes?

No. Yeah, at most, say, like three minutes. - Fine.

Do you really love Katie? Not really.

Because I really love her, man.

And if you have one ounce of decency, you will do the right thing and let her go.

No way! No way?

Fuck no, dude. She's hot! In fact, fuck off.

I will not fuck off.

You're making a really big mistake, buddy, because that woman is not your plaything.

Coop, seriously... Fuck off.

I'm sick of talking about this with you. God!

Whoa!

So this is the skylab tracking device?

Is this gonna save my camp?

I don't know. But if it does, we'll all be heroes.

In fact, I just got word that if we pull this off, I could be up for the Hopkins prize for physics.

The Hopkins! Baby, what a dream. You'll finally get your tenure.

Be proud of who you are.

Huh?

Gene? Shh.

It isn't about the girl. It isn't?

Well, it is, but see if you can follow me here.

It...

Isn't.

Oh.

So it is and it isn't.

You are ready to be taught the new way.

Will you help teach me about this...

What is it? A "new way"?


Abby.

Abby. Abby, my lover, my friend. Abby!

Hey, Neil, what's up? Victor abandoned the raft trip, and now the kids are about to go over devil's canyon rapids!

Where did he go? He wanted to get back to camp.

So you left the campers alone on the river?

Only Victor knows how to navigate those rapids.

We've got to find him and get him back to that river.

It's him! Victor! Victor!

We lost him, goddamn it! I've got him!

Where is he? He's calling from inside the camp.

The only other phone is in the infirmary! We gotta go!

Ahhh.

Beth, what's the matter?

The phone! Where's the fucking phone?

In the back room.

We're losing time!

My baby!

I want to make love to you!

Abby!

Abby?

Moose?

Um, you're gonna think this is so shallow, but what was your name again? Oh, my God.

Do you have any idea...

What I had to go through to see you?

You snooze, you lose, dude.

Victor pulak, there's a raft of campers about to go over devil's canyon rapids!

Are you gonna be part of the problem, or are you the solution?

Let's go.

Let's go!

Here we go.

Oh, fuck my cock! What does it say?

According to this readout, skylab is going to land directly on the rec hall.

Oh, no. When?

Sometime in the next 90 minutes. Oh, my God!

That's only one mix tape. The talent show's starting right now!

Good evening, firewood! Are you ready for some talent?

Beth, we have to evacuate the rec hall immediately! - Yeah.

Victor!

Come on!

Stand back.

Whoa! Whoa!

You're a master, Vic. What the... what the fu... what?

You're doing it. You're actually doing it.

Oh! You saved them! You saved them!

Victor pulak, you're okay by me.

I'm okay, you're okay.

And Neil, next time we go camping, you drive the van.

I wish there was another way. Maybe we should just let them die.

No! My friend, Jimmy's, in there.

You have a friend? I'm kidding.

Wait a minute.

No. What?

Well, there might be a way that we could use our device...

To slightly change its direction, but...

No, it's impossible.

Why? What's the problem?

In order to do it, we would somehow have to be able...

To repeatedly generate random numbers between one and twenty...

In order to calibrate the deferential.

That would take some sort of super mainframe computer and we don't have one.

So all is lost.

No, it's not.

Any dungeon master worth his weight in geldings...

Goes nowhere without his...

20-sided die.

I'd like to introduce us to the emcee for the evening.

We brought him all the way from kutscher's country club in the catskill mountains.

Wait! I have some bad news!

And my bad news is...

And my bad news is... there is no bad news. I was just joking.

Good one, Beth.

Let's give a firewood welcome to Mr. Alan shemper!

Thank you very much.

Hello, camp firewood. Thank you for having me.

I went to sleep-away camp so long ago that it was the stone age.

Seriously, it wasn't the stone age.

It was the ice age!

No, really, it was the stone age. But, folks, actually I went to camp machnudin...

In the pine hills of Westchester, New York.

And that was so long ago...

For breakfast we had to eat scrambled pterodactyl eggs...

And raptor bacon!

Back then we didn't have cots, we had slabs.

Instead of sleeping bags, we had sleeping pelts.

Our first act hails all the way from over in bunk 2.

And his name is Roger, the master broom balancer.

Holy cow!

Right here, right here.

Let's pray to God this works.

That's from us to bunk 7!

Nine or six, what was it? Nine!

Okay. We're getting closer. Give me another. Seven.

White folks are so stupid when they get mad.

They be like, "hey, asshole, I'm going to kick your behind."

But the brothers don't even need to raise their voice.

These motherfuckers be like, "don't make me say it twice."

That's true, that's true.

I hate white people!

Be that as it may, this next act is a guy named Bert flugalman.

But it says here that you all know him as...

Mooooose!

Gail.

Gail. Ron.

What are you doing here?

I've been thinking about you a lot.

And I want you back.

Ron... I love you, and I want to be with you, but...

I've just had too many woulda-coulda-shouldas in my life.

Well, I'm just...

I'm just sick and tired of being sick and tired, you know?

And if you can't handle that, then to hell with you!

You'll come back to me, Gail. I know you will.

I don't think so, Ronald Von kleinenshtein.

I really don't think so.

And now, camp fizzie-poo, performing the song...

"Day by day" from the musical godspell, is susie's drama group.

Before we start, I'd just like to say...

That the campers you're about to see suck dick.

Nevertheless, please welcome them.


Boo!

Well, well, well, I can honestly say...

That there is no Broadway ditty...

Closer to my heart than the one you just heard, "day bidet."

Give me another.

Twenty. There's not much time left.

When I was at camp, my favorite activity was always arts and crafts.

Or as we used to call it, arts and "farts" and crafts.

We used to make drawings.

Cave drawings!

Which is my way of saying we were cavemen.

I went to camp so long ago that I can remember saying...

"Sticks and stones may break my bones," and meaning it!

I went to camp so long ago that fucking Jesus Christ was my counselor!

And my best friend hadn't fully evolved yet.

His name was ugh, and he walked on all fours!

There were two epidemics when I went to camp.

Head lice and the plague... The bubonic plague.


Katie, I came here to tell you I'm leaving.

Uh, what? Yeah.

I've grown up a lot since before dinner when we last talked.

Where are you going? I don't know.

Maybe see the world. I got a couple more weeks before school starts.

But... Hey.

I want you to have this.

Hurry up! I think I can see it coming towards us!

And finally, ladies and germs, is a dude...

Who goes by the name of... "Steve."

Let's give him a hand.

Come on, do something. Or get the fuck off the stage!


Is that wind?

Oh, my God.

Coop?

Coop, Coop, don't leave.

Coop! Coop, I love you!

Yeah, I didn't know it until this very moment for sure, but now I know, and it feels like nothing I've ever known before.

It feels so good. I love you.


How do I know it's real this time?

Because I'm telling you. That's all I can do.

I love you.

Say it again. - I love you, I love you, Gerald cooperberg!

It's working!


Way to go, guys!

Beth, we did it.

Whoo!

Baby, that was beautiful!


You better write to me. I'm gonna miss you so much!

Beth! Beth! I got it!

The Hopkins award!

And, NASA's hiring me to go to work for them at cape canaveral, Florida.

I'll have a whole new life!

That's wonderful.

I knew this would happen. I would meet you, fall in love and you would leave me.

Wait, hold on, Beth. I've already told them, I need an apartment for two people.

And they'll fly you back here every summer. - Fuck you!

And, Beth, I know we've been having trouble with, you know...

But I was thinking when the time comes, we can adopt.

Shh. It's happened.

I'm pregnant. We're gonna have a baby.

Oh. Oh, baby!

Good-bye, Beth. Oh, hey!

Looks like everything worked out for you two.

Yeah, it's the best thing that's ever happened in my life.

I hope you like shrimp cocktail, because we want you...

To be the guest of honor at our wedding next week.

We would be delighted. But I hope it's not jumbo shrimp...

Because I'm allergic to oxymorons.

Bye. Bye.

We saved everyone's life and they'll never know it.

I almost like it better that way.

It was us rolling the dice that diverted it, right?

Not the enormous gust of wind, right? Right.

I feel like this entire summer, which kind of sucked, has been rejuvenated by the events of the past 24 hours.

Yeah, it's like... Well, forget it.

You know what? What?

You guys are my best friends. Well, my only friends.

Yeah. Nanoo-nanoo.

So, this is it, babe. Yep.

So, obviously I think we should get together in the city next weekend.

I'll call my parents, and you can talk to your dad and Kim. - Listen.

Last night was really great. You were incredibly romantic and heroic.

No doubt about it. And that's great.

But I've thought about it, and my thing is this:

Andy's really hot. And don't get me wrong, you're cute too.

But Andy is like cut from marble. He's gorgeous.

He's like this beautiful face and this incredible body, and I genuinely don't care that he's kind of lame.

I don't even care that he cheats on me.

And I like you more than I like Andy, Coop, but I'm 16.

And maybe it will be a different story like when I'm ready to get married.

But right now, I'm entirely about sex. I just want Andy.

Yeah. I wanna take him, and grab him and just fuck his brains out, you know?

So that's where my priorities are right now.

Sex. Specifically with Andy and not with you.

But you're really nice. Everybody thinks so.

And I'm sorry if this isn't the direction you saw things going between us.

I still totally want to be friends.

You better write me a letter, okay?

Sure.

Cool?

Katie, let's go.

How you doing? Good.


I'm sorry, I'm late. I thought we said 9:30.

No, we said 9:00 so we could be here by 9:30.