What Happens in Vegas (2008) Script

What Happens in Vegas

(GRACE KELLY PLAYING)

# Do I attract you? Do I repuIse you with my queasy smiIe? #

# Am I too dirty? Am I too fIirty? #

# Do I Iike what you Iike? Why don't you Iike me? #

# Why don't you Iike me Without making me try? #

# I try to be like Grace Kelly #

# But all her Iooks were too sad #

# So I try a little Freddie #

# I've gone identity mad! #

# I couId be brown I couId be bIue #

# Gotta be everything more #

# Why don't you Iike me? Why don't you Iike me? #

# Why don't you waIk out the door? #

-Here you go, sweetie. -Oh, thanks.

I tried banana nut sprout this morning.

Thought, you know, a little change of pace, thought somebody deserves something special for his birthday.

Yeah. It's good.

Okay, so I made reservations tonight at Babbo at 8:30.

I thought maybe we could talk about, you know, setting a date?

Did you just make a plan to make a plan?

-Did I just do that again? -Yeah, you did.

-Sorry. -It's all right.

All right, I'll see you later, okay?

-Hey, hey, hey! Love you. -Love you, too.

-Bye. -Bye.

-Happy birthday! -You, too!

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Hello, sir. Would you like to buy some cookies?

I would. I really would. I just. . .

(EXCLAIMS)

Unfortunately, I don't have any money.

I don't have any cookies.

Jack?

I need a key.

Wow .

Wow. That. . .

A key?

What? No! I want a key.

Like an actual key to your apartment so I don't have to wait outside when I'm dressed in these little slutty outfits.

I don't want to live with you.

No offense.

And you know I mean this in the nicest possible way.

You're not exactly serious boyfriend/marriage material.

And I pride myself on that.

I gotta go. I'll see you next week. What're we doing?

Mother of the baby saved from the fire and the sexy shirtless fireman?

# I couId be brown I couId be bIue #

# I couId be vioIet sky #

# I couId be hurtfuI I couId be purpIe #

# I couId be anything you Iike #

# Gotta be green Gotta be mean #

# Gotta be everything more #

# Why don't you Iike me? Why don't you Iike me? #

# Why don't you waIk out the door? #

# I couId be brown I couId be bIue #

# Gotta be everything more #

# Why don't you Iike me? Why don't you Iike me? #

# Why don't you waIk out the door? #

-McNally. -Chong.

(BELL RINGING)

(ALL SHOUTING)

(COMMENTATOR CHATTERING ON TV)

(ALL CHEERING)

Not now.

Hey! Hey! Hey, hey! Here we go! Yeah ! That's looking good ! All right!

That's good form right there. Let's keep that up, huh?

That's a beautiful veneer. Just throw that on the edge-band and we're set.

-All right! -Hey, Jack?

-Do you know what time it is? -What? I can't hear you over the saw.

We're in the zone over here. I don't want to lose focus.

That's how people lose fingers, huh?

-You're fired. -All right. We are fired up, boys!

You are fired !

All right.

I'll play you for it. You win, I'm out.

I win. I get a second chance.

It's not a second chance when you've had a hundred of them.

Oh ! Nine-seven ! Keeping my job! Yeah !

Okay. All right.

-I'll give you one. -Do you know what?

You're supposed to be the future boss, but you're too busy being the life of the party.

At some point, you're gonna have to step up and be a man.

(GRUNTING)

-Eight-nine! Unemployment! -Okay, man. You want to play?

Nine-nine! Food stamps! Tastes so good.

(EXCLAIMS)

-Okay, that's not even a shot. -The boss got game! The boss got game!

Ten-nine. This is it, Jack.

-You know what? This is ridiculous. -You know what? That's your problem.

You can't handle the pressure. As soon as you think you're going to lose, you quit.

Game over, Jack.

Don't get me wrong. You're like a son to me.

-Dad, I am your son. -Yeah, and it's time to cut the cord.

Let's go clean out your desk.

Mason has no idea, not an idea at all.

-That you're pathetic, or. . . -What, do you think I went overboard?

No. No, I think it's the exact right amount of board.

Which is what I am right now. Can we start drinking?

Of course. Okay, lookit! These are for Mason.

What's that?

Vegas? I thought you hated Vegas.

I do, but, you know, that's why they call it a gift tip, -because it truly is selfless. -Oh, thanks.

Okay, everyone listen ! I'm going to bring him in, I'm gonna turn on the lights, and that's when you yell, "Surprise!"

Oh, that's how a surprise party works! I'm totally gonna write that down.

Okay. Everyone, hide! Hide, hide, hide!

(SHUSHING)

-Hi, sweetie! -Hey!

Welcome home. Happy birthday. Okay, come inside. . .

-Listen, Joy. We need to talk. -Okay. Well, let's do it inside. Okay?

No, no, no. I can't, or I'll never do this.

Look, there's no easy way to say this.

Okay, then don't. Okay? Just think it, and then later, I'll try to figure out what it was you were thinking.

Okay? Let's just go inside.

No, no, no, no, no, no! This can't wait, Joy.

You know I have a really important job.

-Right? -Yeah.

So when I come home, I want this place to be an escape.

And as of late, it's not.

Yes, the sex is great, okay? I mean, that's fantastic, and I can't tell you how much I appreciate all the things you've been trying with my balls.

(GASPS)

But the rest is so exhausting.

You're so on all the time, with all the scheduling and planning, it's just. . .

I don't want to marry you, Joy.

I'm leaving you.

Well, I mean, this is my place, so technically, you would be the one that has to leave, but. . . Are you crying?

Surprise.

-Oh, shitballs. -Yeah.

Hey!

Hey. Here. . .

Do you have any idea how much money I've made him?

You're my lawyer. Can I sue him for something?

Well, the problem with suing your father is that he's your dad.

He'd love it. He'd think we were bonding.

(LAUGHS)

Maybe he would be! You don't know. Take him to court. It might be nice.

-What am I gonna do about money? -You're just realizing that right now?

-Fascinating. -I could do a lot of things for money.

I'm good at stuff.

I'll bet you $5 I can finish this beer faster than you.

Really? You're on.

He doesn't even deserve me.

Here's my thought on what we should do with this whole Mason thing.

-Okay. -Once a week, we get some of my brother's loser-ass friends to go over to Mason's house, ring his doorbell, and when he answers, they're just gonna, bang, junkpunch him right up in his man business and then he's gonna keel over.

While he's writhing on the ground screaming, "Why?" they'll go, "You know why!"

Wow! Did you just think of that?

No, I was thinking about it a lot on the way over.

You are a child !

(JACK GROANING)

-What is that? What is that? -Double or nothing.

Joy, you're gonna need to take off this ring.

No, I. . . I'm just. . . I'm just gonna. . .

I'm just going to wear it on the other hand.

You're on fire. Man, you are on fire.

This is like. . . I mean, you're lucky.

-I don't feel good. -We need to capitalize on this.

You know what's gonna make you feel better?

What?

Where's the one place where you can step up and be a man?

Community college?

Where can you go where you can forget all your troubles and act like a total idiot?

I am talking about one place and one place only, my friend.

Do not say Vegas.

Please say Vegas.

-Vegas, baby. -Vegas?

-Las Vegas? -What?

Swish it around in your mouth a little bit. Think about it.

-Vegas! -Vegas.

-Carefree. -Say it like you mean it.

-Spontaneous. -I can't hear you !

-Vegas! -Vegas?

-Vegas! -Vegas!

MAN: Hello, Las Vegas!

Wow .

Vegas.

Everyone, I'm so sorry, but our computers are down right now, so just bear with us, please. I'm sorry. I know.

(LAUGHING)

Okay, your fiancé is one lucky guy.

I love Vegas!

Time to get a big-boy drink.

I'll have a vodka and a Scotch.

(EXCLAIMS)

This is where I'm passing out. Pants, you're out of here.

(ALL SCREAMING)

Did we ever tell you you scream like a girl?

My eyes! It burns!

My head ! My head and my eyes are burning !

My back!

My nose! My nose now!

Whoa! Whoa! Take it easy!

(ALL CONTINUE SCREAMING)

It's okay! It's okay! They're gay!

-What? -They're gay!

(GASPING)

This. . . No, no, this is not what it looks like.

We just. . . We all got booked in the same room.

Let's just go downstairs. I smell an upgrade!

-You guys aren't gay? -No.

(JOY AND TIPPER SCREAMING)

(GIGGLING)

-I got this. -No.

Just let me handle it, okay?

Okay.

Curtis. You and I have a problem.

I think we both know how this game works.

I complain, and you tell me there's nothing you can do, but we both know that's a big, fat lie, so why don't you just save us both the trouble and type in those special codes that you know you're gonna type in eventually and find me two rooms that are so nice that it turns my night right back around?

She's awfully hostile for a girl named Joy.

I'm going to do exactly what you're telling me to do, because I'm a little frightened of you.

These are penthouse suites.

You can't get any higher than that without going on the roof, and you're not allowed on the roof, because people jump.

Penthouse suites.

-Nice! -No!

-Yeah. -That's not bad.

Well, you're welcome.

Now watch and learn.

-Hey, buddy. -Oh, hi. How are you?

I think you just met my friend back there.

Kind of a scary person.

Oh, Egyptian cotton. That's nice.

I want to apologize for her. For three weeks out of the month, we get to enjoy God's most precious creation, and on week four, the bill arrives.

(LAUGHS) I know what you mean. A period, right?

(EXCLAIMS)

Look, I don't want to push here, but I know that a man in your position is capable of producing certain amenities.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

CURTIS: Planet Hollywood. Yeah.

(GASPING)

HATER: VIP!

Hey. So, you're from New York, we're from New York.

-We're going to Le Cirque, please! -Come on.

Look, I didn't bring my buddy all the way out to Vegas so he could get his ass kicked. Right?

So the least you could do is help me show him a good time.

Your buddy wouldn't know a good time if it sat on his face.

Okay, you know what, Stripper? You are kind of a disgusting skank.

Driver, we'll get out here! Thank you !

-Okay, bye! -Thank you.

-Use a condom, boys. -Bye-bye. Bye. Just go!

Oh, come on. One drink.

I'm a pretty fun guy. You can ask around.

Thanks, but we have dinner reservations.

And we have to map out our assault on the Strip.

You have a plan to make plans?

Excuse me?

I bet you look really good with your hair down.

-My hair is down. -One drink!

I dare you !

Did I invent hip-hop? No. But I was there.

-Thank you. -You're welcome.

-So, Joy. -Yeah?

What brings you to Sin City?

You know, just being spontaneous, cutting loose, like everyone else. How about yourself?

Yeah. Me? Oh, I'm here on business.

Big business, actually. I'm. . .

I'm a pretty important guy in my field.

Really?

No.

Actually, I just got fired. So, cheers to that.

I just got dumped, so, salud.

Did I mention that I got fired by my boss-slash-father?

Did I mention that I threw a surprise birthday party for my fiancé and the surprise was that he dumped me in front of all of our closest friends while they hid in the closet?

Wow. Okay, you win.

Excuse me. We're gonna need a whole bottle.

I saved a baby today. I'm not a hero, though.

-You know what I mean? I'm not a. . . -He's married.

This is my lesbian sister. Tell her about your softball game.

Tell her about your softball team.

What do you say we bet 1 0-to-1 , with $1 25 on the hard eight?

-MAN: Bets are right there. -All right. Roll them out.

No, no, no, no, no. I wouldn't. . . I wouldn't bet on me winning.

You roll, princess.

All right. Go, 44! 44!

(ALL CHEERING)

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING ON PA)

JOY: This is my party trick. Here it goes.

What are you gonna do? Are you going to cut. . .

(LAUGHING)

You know, you were right about me.

You just cut it off!

It's like you're trying to come in first but it's somebody else's race.

-It's like Egypt! -It's amazing !

You never felt good enough, so you took yourself out of the game.

To everyone who's ever been dumped

(ALL CHEERING) and to everyone who has ever been fired, (ALL CHEERING) when I say, "Screw!" you say, "You !"

-Screw! -ALL: You !

(ALL CHEERING)

Yes!

I think I just got to the point where I wasn't even trying.

JOY: Why should you try?

I work 80 hours a week and I don't even know why.

I've been so naughty!

Out of my way! Out of my way!

I'm not usually this honest.

I'm usually not this fun.

(SCREAMING)

(ALL CHEERING)

The best part is. . .

-We can really talk. -Really connect.

Yeah, 'cause you're like the last person on the planet I'd ever sleep with !

Ever! Ever! Ever!

JOY: This is gonna be fun !

(DOOR OPENS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

Oh, God. Please be fake. Please be fake.

(GASPS)

Oh, God.

(GASPING)

(SCREAMS)

No, no, please, please, please! Oh, please, please, no!

You can't get divorced here, okay? You gotta do it where you live.

Besides, you don't want a divorce, all right? You want an annulment.

See, what happens in Vegas, you pay for when you get back home.

That's what the thing is.

What if she's a clinger?

What if she's a crier? What if she's, like, a clinging crier?

You murder her. Problem solved.

(CHEERS)

You don't have to yell.

Was there any part of the night, I don't know, maybe, say, the part where I was about to marry the rebound guy, that you thought, "Hey, oh my God !

"This is a really good time for an intervention"?

-Seriously? -Yeah.

I, like, threw up in my own purse, so. . .

This is a city built on excess and bad decisions.

Vegas should be the only place on Earth where you can't get married.

Pull it together, dude.

You got to charm that ring off her finger, okay?

(EXCLAIMS)

(SPLUTTERING)

(EXCLAIMS)

-You all right? -Yeah.

(GASPS)

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

-Hi ! -Good morning.

-Morning. -Good morning.

Morning, morning, morning.

I could use some coffee.

Oh, God, yeah.

Well, what's mine is yours.

(BOTH LAUGHING SARCASTICALLY)

Here, well, you want to, uh. . .

JACK: Mi coffee es su coffee.

-JOY: This is good orange juice. -Yeah. It's very good.

It's ridiculously good. The orange juice is good.

-I don't usually like pulp. You a fan? -Not really.

-Jack? -Yes.

-Can I talk to you for a second? -Yep.

Yes. Yep. Talk. Sure.

They're so cute together!

If I could make someone dead with my mind, it would be you.

-Yo. -Hey.

So!

-Great night, huh? -Yeah !

I mean, you are a lot of fun, Joy.

-I am? -Yeah !

A lot of fun. That. . . I mean, last night was so great.

Actually, you know, there was like. . . Maybe there was one tiny little thing. . .

I think I know what you mean.

Okay, this. . .

There's no easy way to say this, so I'm just going to. . .

Whoa, whoa. Wait. Are. . .

Are you

-dumping me? -You didn't. . .

No! I was coming down here to dump you !

-Oh ! Jeez. . . Okay, so we're good ! -Yeah !

-Okay, disaster averted ! -You said it!

-Yeah, no. Bullet dodged ! -You betcha!

I mean, pooch unscrewed ! Free at last!

-Thank God Almighty, I'm free at last. -Okay. I got it, okay?

-Got it. -Okay. I'm sorry. I. . .

You just seem like the type of girl who's looking for a serious relationship, and I'm not that. . . I mean, you. . . Like. . .

No offense, but you seem like a lot of work.

Like it would take, like, a team of guys, and I'm not. . .

Marriages are an outdated concept. . .

Are you dumping me again?

-I'm in a really weird place right now. . . -Where's that, Jack? The starting line?

Because I have news for you, buddy. The gun went off a long time ago.

Okay! Look at that! Good luck with the job, huh?

"Employee handles criticism poorly!"

Well, then maybe you should teach a seminar, Jack, considering you can't even keep a job with your own father!

You know, the one person who's biologically programed to love you, and even he can't stand you !

Look at that. You had to come all the way to Vegas and marry a complete stranger just to prove that you're not a robot. Congratulations, Joy! That was a feeling !

Oh, I have a feeling, all right! It's called nausea!

(IMITATING ROBOT) Yeah? "Oh, I have a feeling, all right!

"It's called nausea!"

-How old are you, five? -Six, actually. I'm six.

You know, this is why we'd never work.

'Cause I could never, ever be with someone that's so completely broken !

-Broken? -Broken !

Broken. You know what? You don't even know me, mister!

No, I don't know you, and I got a feeling that neither do you.

You know what? I'll call you about the annulment.

How about this? Why don't you just e-mail me?

Hey. Hey, hey, hey!

-We'll always have Vegas! -Hey! That's my quarter!

(JACKPOT ALARM RINGING)

(WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS PLAYING)

What the. . .

We are the champions, my friends And we'II keep on fighting tiII the end I'm really, really rich ! I'm really, really rich !

We are the champions That was my quarter!

We are the champions

-We did it! -Richest man in the world !

No time for Iosers 'Cause we are the champions A big giant check! I'm so happy! I've never been. . .

I'm really happy!

Oh, my God ! That was my quarter!

(JOY LAUGHING)

(JACK LAUGHING SARCASTICALLY)

Congratulations! You just quadrupled your investment!

What, you think this is all yours? God !

Yes, it's mine. I put the quarter in the machine and I pulled the lever.

My quarter on the machine that I was using, the one I loosened up for you !

That's right! Now if you'll excuse me, I have a giant colofrul check to deposit!

Whatever happened to "What's mine is yours, baby"?

We're married now, remember?

More importantly, Your Honor, my client only knew Miss McNally for four hours before they "got married," three and a half of which were spent in a state of total inebriation.

Mmm-hmm.

You. Other one.

You have any evidence that you both knowingly entered into this marriage, that it's not just a sham?

Let me see.

Would a note do?

It's a start.

And then there's a photo.

Nice.

(WHISPERING) I didn't know anything about that.

There's also

-a video. -And I am going to provide for her, I'm gonna Iove her, and I'm going to provide for her, -'cause we're married! -Married!

(SCREAMING)

We're aII gonna get Iaid!

Was that you, Cueball? His lawyer?

I didn't. . . I don't have my glasses on.

(CLEARS THROAT)

I don't like you.

I don't like any of you.

Your generation, with your Vegas and your Internet and your "I want it right now."

You know, gay people aren't destroying the sanctity of marriage, you people are.

Marriage is about love and commitment.

Listen, I've been married for 25 years to the same wondefrul, infuriating woman, and granted, there are days when I want to light her on fire, but I don't, because I love her, and that would be illegal.

And you know something? I might be old-fashioned, but when I said those vows out loud, I meant them.

This guy is such a douche.

Before, or should I say if I ever allow either of you out of this marriage, I'm going to make sure that you try everything, and I do mean everything, first to make it work.

-Objection, Your Honor. You can't do that. -Objection !

Watch me. Now, do either one of you have a place to live?

I don't at the moment, Your Honor, but I will.

You see, I. . .

My ex-fiancé and I broke up, and. . .

You know, Mrs. Fuller, you're not helping make your case here, okay?

What about you, pretty boy? You got a crash pad?

-Yes. -Okay, great! We have a hearth !

I am freezing the $3 million for the next six months and sentencing you two to six months hard marriage.

And so I can keep an eye on you, I'm ordering you both into weekly marital counseling.

I want you two to listen to me.

You better play by my rules on this, or I'm gonna tie this money up in litigation that is so long, so protracted, so expensive that neither one of you will ever see a dime of it.

All right. Anything. . . Oh, yeah ! One more thing.

I now pronounce you man and wife!

Can he do that?

Yeah, he's the judge. He can do whatever he wants.

And he clearly wants to make an example out of you both.

If you just do what the guy says, he's gonna be forced to grant you a divorce.

-In which case. . . -You would probably. . .

-. . .split. . . -. . .the money. . .

. . .equally as marital property.

You didn't do anything in there!

-What? -You didn't do anything !

I called her a vixen ! I called her a vixen !

-So? -So.

I can do anything for six months.

I can not wear pants for six months. So if you aren't up to it. . .

Oh, I am so up to it.

And if you're trying to insinuate that I'm the one that can't do this, then you are sorely mistaken, short bus.

Whoa! Okay! So it's settled, then.

All right. Think of it as a business arrangement.

Be married for six months, get $1 .5 million.

-How hard can it be? -I know how hard it isn't.

Excuse me. Out of my way.

Thank you.

-Oh, Jesus. Here. -Great.

TIPPER: Smile for the camera.

Hi, hubby, it's me. Open up.

Hiya!

JACK: It's all the way at the top.

She's here.

(DOOR BUZZING)

Okay, don't overdo it, though.

Hey! Look what I brought my new hubby!

'Cause I want to please him, and men, they like the beer.

Hey, look who's being a good wifey, really trying to make her marriage work.

Oh, muffin pants, what a wondefrul gift.

I'm going to buy you a big box of Tampax just so I can thank you, 'cause that's what good husbands do.

Sorry, I can't control myself when I'm around you, I just love you so much !

Not as much as I love you !

(JACK SQUEALING)

Shall we, Mrs. Fuller?

Oh. Here. Let me get this.

-Let me get that. Oh ! -Wait a sec.

Slippery. Slippery.

What?

(GRUNTING)

(JOY SCREAMS)

Sorry, baby, just you're a little on the heavy side.

Welcome home, sweetheart.

You literally have a bar in the middle of your living room.

It's not so bad.

I mean, I would never live here, ever, but. . .

What? I ran the New York City Marathon, okay?

I can do this. I can totally do this.

(GASPS)

Oh, my God.

I can't do this!

JACK: Don't throw any of that hair away, okay?

I'm saving it up to make you something special, like a hat or a sweater.

I still haven't decided yet.

Do you train monkeys in here?

Seriously! It's one thing if you like a guy, you put up with disgusting stuff like this, but you I don't care for, so clean it up.

I'm not here under court order, so I'm going to take off.

-Later, buddy. -Bye.

$1 .5 million.

Here. These are antibacterial. Get to work.

That looks like it's gonna be comfortable for you.

Where's the bedroom?

-Uh. . . It's in there. -Sweet dreams.

Yeah.

What is this?

(SCREAMS)

Ooh. That was close.

-That stinks. -Just a little bit of me.

-Oh, God ! -And some other people. Whatever.

(EXCLAIMS)

-Do you need some help? -Yeah, I do, as a matter of fact.

You should probably call somebody.

-What? -To help you.

Hey, could you do that thing where you turn around on the bed and fix the top side again?

Okay, can I sleep on the couch?

No.

(BLENDER WHIRRING)

(EXCLAIMS)

Smoothies!

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

-Hon? -Yeah.

If I could just get in there for a sec.

I'm almost done. I'll be right out.

No, no. "Be right out" is not really gonna work.

Like, be right out right now.

I'm almost done!

(GROANING)

(METALLIC CLATTER)

Okay. . .

(JACK EXHALING)

Oh, yeah, this is happening.

You only have yourself to blame.

By the way, it's your day on dishes.

(TOILET FLUSHING)

(EXCLAIMS)

Freak.

Where do you get your underwear? The hospital?

-What? -Seriously, what's up with the P . E. bra?

Well, it's comfy and supportive, like a man should be.

You women. In the beginning it's all, like, laces and rainbows and trapdoors.

As soon as you get married, it's nothing but these flesh tones and PMS pants.

You might as well wear a placard around your neck

-that says, "We're not having sex, ever." -Ever!

-Ever. -Ever!

What happened to the purple bra from Vegas? That was nice.

I'm going to save that for my non-retarded husband.

(MOCKING)

Well, the grownups have to go to work today.

-What are you going to do all day? -I don't know yet.

I'd rather do nothing and be happy than do something I know I don't love.

Words to live by, Yanni.

Beat it, worker drone. Tell the man I say hi.

-Whatever, loser. -Hey, don't get hit by a bus.

Or do. Whatever.

(YOU SEXY THING PLAYING)

I beIieve in miracIes Where you from You sexy thing I beIieve in miracIes

(ALL SHOUTING)

Since you came along You sexy thing

(EXCLAIMING)

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

-McNally. -MAN: What are you wearing, baby?

-Who is this? -BANGER: Your boss.

Get the Chonger and get up here right away.

Coming right up! Okay. Banger needs to see us upstairs.

After 1 5 years of loyal service, we're dumping Bob whatshisname, which means that this office is gonna be up for grabs.

So, I'm going to promote one of you skirts out of the pit.

And that's not sexual harassment. Believe me, I've checked.

You're my top guns, girls. Do me proud.

Thank you, sir.

So! I guess I'll be Maverick and you can be Goose.

Be whoever you want to be, you'll still gonna be my subordinate.

-Excuse me? -It's from the Latin, meaning "my bitch."

-What is wrong with you? -I eat girls like you.

-Oh, you eat girls! -Not like that.

-Makes total sense. -It shouldn't.

-No judgments. -But I'm not. . .

Just saying.

Ready to do this?

Pretend like you don't make me vomit in my nose every time I look at you?

Yes.

So, Jack, tell me about yourself. What are your hobbies?

Hobbies.

You mean, besides my marriage?

My hobbies.

Mostly, I just like loving her.

It's just so easy.

What else?

Listening. I love listening to what she has to say. It's just. . .

In fact, actually, I carry this notebook around with me, just so I can write it down, because usually it's so important.

What else? I think just being there for her, in general.

Loving her until it hurts.

It hurts.

That's. . . I don't know, that's probably most of my interests.

Joy?

I'd have to agree.

And I'd have to add, you know, staring at him.

Yeah. I mean, I just love watching him be.

I love everything about him.

Most people would be repulsed, you know, to find his socks and his dirty underwear sort of down shoved in the bottom of the bed, touching them in the middle of the night.

They might want to try to, like, scrub and scrub and scrub and try to get the stains and the scent off of them, but. . .

Not me. I just. . . I love it!

I just. . . I kind of want to just roll around in it!

Her candles smell awesome!

You know, I do have a few degrees, and I went to a bunch of really expensive schools.

Anyway, I'm not buying any of the bullshit you two are selling today.

Now, if you want me to report back to the court that you're both working on your marriage, you're gonna actually have to do that.

(LOVE PLAYING)

And Iove Such a silly game we play, oh!

Like a summer's day in May What is Iove, what is Iove?

I just want it to be Iove Oh! Oh! Oh!

I , I , I , I , I I can feeI it in your kiss It just gives me tender bIiss What is Iove, what is Iove?

I just want it to be Iove Yes, that is the topping I wanted on my popcorn.

I know that the box said "movie theater butter," but, you guessed it, what I really wanted was Jack's Sweaty Ballsack flavor.

Thanks.

Uh! Uh! Uh! Love Who can teII me I am Iost? What is Iove, what is Iove?

I'm just giving you what you wanted, baby.

Pay attention. See how it goes up and down. Okay?

It goes up, and then it goes down. Like that.

See that? Isn't that magical? Amazing.

Watch one more time. One more time.

It goes up, right? And then it goes down.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

(SPLASHES)

(JOY SCREAMING)

No, no, no, no! Why?

I really, really need to get in there!

Why don't you just use your special bathroom?

There's no heavy side!

-You got the window! -No, that's actually the light side.

-Where's the bathroom door? -We got robbed.

And all they took was the door.

$1 .5 million.

Marriage is hard !

I don't know how people do this. It's unnatural.

Men and women are not meant to coexist.

And I haven't had sex in forever. I mean, forever!

And I need to have sex, 'cause I'm good at it!

That's a self-esteem booster for me.

-I don't know if I can do this, man. -Oh, really?

'Cause I haven't been sensing that at all.

That's why I did a little research.

I've been looking through some case law, you know, some precedent to help us get around the ruling.

And I think I found one. Lafferty v. Holden.

You know, Tip, I don't know if I can do this.

Then we go to plan B.

Mother's third marriage was to this 20-year-old club-footed Cuban bartender who came into a ton of money.

The court said that if they both wanted the money, they had to remain married and prove they can make it work. Sound familiar?

Mother wasn't going to see a cent of that, but then she proved that he'd been unfaithful, and the judge ruled in her favor.

And gave her all the money.

See, the judge said that you had to prove that you were trying to make the marriage work.

But if we can make it seem like she isn't. . .

I don't know why I haven't thought of this before!

-Because you're not a very good lawyer. -Oh, my God.

There should be a law against how bad a lawyer I am.

But then again, I wouldn't know about it!

So if I can get Jack to end the marriage by either leaving me or cheating on me. . .

Not only would you get out of the marriage. . .

-You will also get the full $3 million. -Oh, my God.

-I love you ! I want to kiss you. -You want to kiss me?

On your big, beautiful, prematurely balding man dome.

All right! All right. Okay.

-Game on, sister! -Game on !

-Game on. -Game on.

Destroy it. Oh, my God. Oh, Jesus!

(I WANT A NEW DRUG PLAYING)

There are some refinery problems in the South, -so let's keep our eye on crude oil. -JOY: Oh, that's too bad.

And I just heard a rumor that the platinum futures are gonna be very active today.

Yes!

Yeah !

(EXCLAIMS)

I mean, really, let's do this mother! Oh, my God.

Right, guys? I mean, let's buy shit! Let's buy shit!

Do you see that? Do you see that, people?

That's exactly the kind of spirit I'm talking about!

-You go, girl ! -Yes!

(CHONG AND JOY EXCLAIM)

Oh, my God, seriously, you guys!

Oh, my God ! Oh, my God ! What are we doing? What are we doing?

What's happening? What's happening? Oh, my God.

Son of a bitch. Son of a bitch !

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

-Hi. -Hi.

We got locked out of our apartment.

Would you mind if we just waited in here until the locksmith comes?

He said it would only be a few hours.

A few . . .

Sure.

-Thank you ! -Great!

Also, we were supposed to have some friends over tonight.

Do you mind if they waited in here, too?

I'll jump on that grenade, too, I suppose.

-Thank you. -Yeah.

-Thank you so much. -No, thank you. Thank you.

Welcome to my humble abode.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Those are probably my friends.

-Hi. -Hi.

We're the friends.

-You look like the friends. You do. -Hi.

(CELL PHONE RINGS)

-Hey. -There is a hot girl party going on

-in my living room. -What are you talking about?

I'm talking about the fact that there are a buttload of beautiful women. . .

Oh, my God. Okay, there's a pillow fight about to break out.

Oh, my God. Dude, it's a trap.

No, it's not! No! This happens!

No! It doesn't happen !

Get out of the house! Get out of the house right now!

She must have figured out the same thing we did.

Okay, just because Joy sets a trap doesn't mean we can't play at the same game.

You caII Bear, you caII every guy we know.

And get some boring stockbroker kind of guys, the kind of guys you and me would beat up.

The more boring, the better.

She has no idea what she's gotten herself into.

(HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)

JOY: You okay?

In here, guys. Yo, Jack, what up?

This chick's the reason we're not spending our money right now.

This chick is the reason I'm not having a six-way right now!

-Hey. -Hey.

So, look. This isn't working. I think we need to call in some sluts.

-Sluts? I know sluts. -Make the call.

Which one of these ugly losers is ruining your life?

That one. The pink parade over there.

That's your wife?

Oh, my God, she is so f-ing hot!

What is wrong with you?

Pick a team. Pick a team. Pick a team ! Right now! Pick a team.

-Come on. -Hers. Hers! Hers!

Listen up, girls. Do whatever you need to do to get into his pants.

Ignore her. Don't even make eye contact with her.

Look at every girl in here except for her. It'll drive her crazy.

Get him drunk. It'll slip right out.

ALL: Go!

Hi.

Oh, I get it.

I get what you guys are doing. Okay.

Well, I'm going to. . . Thank you. Sorry. Excuse me.

Oh, God !

If you need anybody to talk to, you know, just let me know.

-Thanks. -Get out of here. Get out of here.

Get out of here! Get out of here, both of you !

I'll give her the money!

-I'll give her the money! -No, no, no, no, no.

(BANGING ON DOOR)

MAN: Oh, shit.

I'm here about a noise complaint!

(BOTTLE CLATTERING)

Someone called to complain that you're not making enough noise!

(ALL CHEERING)

-This is the best party ever! -This is the greatest party ever!

I'm arrested ! You guys, I'm arrested !

Hey.

Sorry. I was just trying to find some quiet

-from the craziness out there. -Yeah. Yeah, I'm. . . Beer?

Sure.

Do you really think that I'm dumb enough to cheat on you?

I think it's only a matter of time, and, yeah, I think you're more than dumb enough.

Thank you for the vote of confidence.

I appreciate that.

This must be so hard for you.

-What? -Being in a relationship.

Okay. I've been in relationships before, all right?

Oh, come on, Jack.

I know you. Don't forget, I have been living with you.

You're not exactly serious boyfriend/husband material, okay?

-Well, this must be hard for you, too. -Really?

Yeah, being married to me when you're so clearly in love with your ex.

-I'm not in love with him. -Right.

Then why are you still wearing the ring on your finger?

Because my current husband bought me one out of a vending machine in Vegas.

All I know is, if I get dumped on my ass, I'm not wearing the ring unless I'm still in love with him.

-I'm not in love with him, okay? -Okay! Right.

In fact, I'm happy I'm not with him anymore.

I spent the last four years of my life trying to be somebody else's idea of perfect, and you know what? I still don't feel good enough for him.

(CHUCKLES)

Okay, that's not what I meant, okay? I just. . .

Hey! Don't worry! Your secret's safe with me.

Oh, you're such an ass.

You know what? It's irrelevant now, because I don't care if I ever see him again.

Wow. Thank you, baby.

-That makes me feel so, so, so special. -You know what? It has nothing

-to do with you, Jack. -By the way, don't worry about me, -because I'm a married man. -Yeah.

We don't need to have sex. And I'll tell you another thing.

I'm not going anywhere, 'cause I am not screwing this thing up.

Neither am I, 'cause I am in it for the long haul, Jack.

-Till death do us part. -Not unless I kill you first.

-It's like she's always there! -He doesn't do anything all day, okay?

-Left, right, up, down ! -It's like he's not even a grownup, okay?

-I don't have an ounce of space. . . -He does nothing. . .

-. . .for just me! Just me! -. . .all day long !

-And I swear to God. . . -I think he's trying to drive me crazy!

-The other night, we had this party. . . -He peed in the sink!

-. . .and everywhere I look. . . -I mean, what kind of man animal. . .

-. . .it's just hot tit and ass everywhere! -. . .pees in the sink?

-It's like he doesn't even want. . . -It's like she doesn't even want. . .

-. . .this marriage to work! -. . .this marriage to work!

All right. You're arguing.

Now that felt like a real married couple.

You're making progress.

What am I doing here?

Oh, we could kidnap her until after the hearing.

-She could stay at my place. -HATER: Oh, my God, I got it!

We make it look like she gave you some kind of disease!

I can have a vial of crabs here in 30 minutes.

First, we give them to you, and then, you know, we get somebody to give them to her so it looks like she gave them to you.

You really hadn't thought that one through, had you?

I'll give her the crabs, easily.

-No more ideas from you. -Oh, I've got it! It's perfect!

This is great!

Like that!

-What are you doing? -What?

No, no, no, no, no, no. Relax, relax, relax. Relax!

Stay with me on this one.

Huh?

God damn it! No, you don't get it! Dude, you don't get it!

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Jack, what happened to your face?

-I fell. -You fell?

Yeah.

I hit my head on a doorknob.

A few times.

I fall a lot these days. I'm just. . .

I'm so clumsy.

Jack, are you sure that's what happened to you?

Sure someone else didn't do this to you?

I deserve it.

I'm supposed. . .

I'm supposed to line up the hand towels just so, and I didn't. . .

I didn't do it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Then she said, "You put that toilet seat down, "or I will put you down !"

And I forgot, and she said, "I'll show you how to put it down !

"I'll stick your head in there and I will make it stay!" Oh, God !

-...Iook reaI, but don't, Iike... -AII right.

-Oh, God! -What?

He's gotta make it Iook reaI so it seems Iike she was beating you!

Not that reaI!

(GRUNTING)

-Yeah! -That sucker's gonna show, dude!

Hey, come on. Come on.

Can we get back to therapy now?

Yes.

Yes, we can.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

JACK ON ANSWERING MACHINE: Hi, you've reached the happy coupIe.

JOY ON ANSWERING MACHINE: We can't come to the phone right now because we're busy Ioving each other.

JACK: And making our marriage work.

JACK: Leave a message! JOY: Leave a message!

(ON ANSWERING MACHINE) Hi. This is Annette caIIing from Dr. TwitcheII's office.

Hello.

-Yes, Mrs. FuIIer? -Yes.

The doctor needed to cancel today's session, and she was wondering if you could do Friday?

Do you have anything after 3:00 p.m. , possibly?

-The doctor can do 4:00. -Oh, perfect.

-That works for me. -We'II see you then.

-Great, see you then. -Thanks so much.

-She totally bought it. -Beautiful. Beautiful.

-Beautiful. -You owe me.

(SINGING) Come on with your come on You don't fight fair That's okay, see if I care BIah, bIah, bIah, bIah...

Hit me with your best shot Fire away

(DOOR CLOSES)

Hello?

Jack?

JACK: Taxi !

Come on, man ! Hey!

-Hey, hey, hey! -JOY: Wait a minute.

Oh, come on !

Twitchell. . . Twitchell. . .

(TELEPHONE RINGS)

Dr. TwitcheII speaking.

-Yes, hi, this is Joy Fuller. -Mrs. FuIIer.

Yes. I got a phone call from Annette saying that our session was canceled today.

-I just wanted to double-check that. -Your session is definiteIy stiII on.

And any absence is considered contempt of court.

It is?

Asshole! Trying to get me to miss therapy!

75th and Riverside, and step on it!

Okay.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

-What? -Hey!

Good luck paying for that cab without your wallet.

(EXCLAIMS)

Only five dollars?

You stole my wallet?

(TAXI BRAKING)

Lost your wallet, huh? Get out.

Come on. What do you want? We can work something out here.

-Show me your breasts. -What?

You'd be surprised how often it happens.

-Okay, one breast. That's all you get. -All right.

(TAXI SPEEDING AWAY)

(GRUNTS)

CAB DRIVER: Nothing like a nice boob. JOY: What is your problem?

CAB DRIVER: What? I like breasts. Sue me.

Is there any way around this?

Does it look like there is a way around this?

(JACK LAUGHING)

(ARE YOU GONNA BE MY GIRL PLAYING)

Go!

So 1 , 2, 3, take my hand and come with me Because you Iook so fine And I reaIIy wanna make you mine

-How many for 1 0 of these? -Ten for $2.

-Okay. Here, take five. -Okay.

Now you don't need that money when you Iook Iike that, do ya honey

(EXCLAIMS)

(CAR ALARM BLARING)

I know we ain't got much to say Before I Iet you get away, yeah!

TOUR GUIDE: There's Brooklyn. Very exciting. Everyone, back on the bus!

What a day, huh?

Is this seat taken?

Pardon. Excuse me. Sorry.

-You are so immature! -Please, woman !

Go away!

-That really hurt! -Oh, no! You're hurting me!

TOUR GUIDE: And here we are, Central Park.

Yes, isn't it beautiful?

Half an hour, people. That's 30 minutes for those on the metric system.

I'll take that! You mind?

-WOMAN: What? -Thank you !

MAN: Hey!

WeII I couId see You home with me But you were with another man, yeah!

I know we Ain't got much to say JOY: Idiot!

Before I Iet you get away, yeah!

(BOTH GRUNTING)

I said are you gonna be my girI?

(BOTH GRUNTING)


JACK SR. : No, you're wrong. You can't remember anything.

MRS. FULLER: You're remembering your first date with somebody else!

JACK SR. : No! It was not our first date!

You keep thinking that. You always did. You are demented !

JACK SR. : It was not! MRS. FULLER: It was!

MRS. FULLER: Your memory. . .

JACK SR. : Mine? You can't remember the date!

Yes, it's your. . .

Hi, honey! Welcome home!

Mom ! Dad !

What are you doing here?

Well, I got a message from your parents, and I thought I'd surprise you and invite them over for dinner.

You know that I've never been invited over here?

No! Really?

MRS. FULLER: Why didn't you tell us you got married?

I know you're still mad at me about the firing, but you get married and you don't tell us?

That is very, very hurtful.

-Especially. . . -Dad, I. . .

Especially when it's a catch like Joy here.

-What? -Well. . .

MRS. FULLER: We're so proud of you, Jack!

We didn't think you'd ever settle down.

But then we met this wondefrul girl. You couldn't have done better!

JACK SR. : We are very proud of you, Son.

-Okay. Love biscuit? -Yes, tinkle monkey?

Can I speak to you for one second?

Of course!

He probably just wants to give me a big smooch.

We haven't seen each other all day!

My God ! How weird is it going to be in court when your parents are character witnesses for me?

Well, obviously, you haven't told them everything.

No, I was waiting for you to do that.

What if we didn't?

What would it take for you to just keep this our little secret for a little bit?

I want the bathroom door back.

And I want the toilet seat left the F down.

No.

-One time up. . . -I got it.

. . .and I make the call.

-Done. -Okay.

Well, Jack, Sr. , you know, it is just so nice to finally meet the man who has taught Jack everything he knows.

-I tried. -JOY: Well, something must've stuck.

Do you know he made this bar we're sitting at?

Isn't it beautiful? I mean, look.

Dovetail's off on the corner.

It's off!

Well, I think it's great.

I actually think that Jack could sell his furniture.

I don't know. That would require actually finishing it.

Maybe you should try telling Jack you don't want him to finish it, then maybe he would actually do it.

(ALL LAUGHING)

What are you doing on Saturday?

You've got to come to Uncle Pat's birthday in the park with us.

I would love to.

She went after my family!

Dude, you're letting this chick get in your head.

Yeah, I know.

Now I'm going to figure out how to get into hers.

You should never let a chick get in your head.

That's why I prefer not to even talk to my dates.

Yes!

Why didn't I think of this before? If she's going to play dirty, so am I.

-Hi. -Hey. Jameson, on the rocks.

-You're Mason, right? -Yeah.

I'm Jack Fuller. I'm a friend of Joy's.

-Joy's? -Yeah.

I just wanted to give you this back.

She threw it in the trash.

But, you know, guy code, I couldn't just let it end up in the trash.

I mean, you spent, what, like, five, six thousand on this thing.

Actually, thirty grand.

I got it.

All right. Well, thanks.

Okay.

Hey, how's she doing?

You know, she's good.

She's probably put on some weight, though, right?

From all the emotional eating due to the break-up?

You really lived up to the billing. You know that?

Joy told me what an impressive guy you are.

Oh ! Yeah.

She said she was trying to be so perfect, because deep down, she never really felt like she was good enough to be with you.

But those insecurities are long gone now.

She's really come into her own. She's on fire!

I'll tell you what, she not gonna be on the open market for very long.

-It's a feeding frenzy out there! -A feeding frenzy, huh? Yeah.

Well, I gotta get going.

My Uncle Pat is having a birthday party tomorrow in Grove Park.

Joy and I are going.

Anyway, I gotta go pick up the present she got for him. Bag of weed !

-Her idea! -Really?

-She's on fire! -Wow .

On fire.

Well, thanks again.

(HEY MAN NOW YOU'RE REALLY LIVING PLAYING)

Stripper! Hiya!

-I so want to junkpunch that guy. -What's with you and junkpunching?

-Joy? -Hi !

I'm so glad you could make it. Hey, sweetie.

-Hi ! This is my girlfriend, Tipper. -Hi, Tipper. Judy.

-Thanks for calling. -Where's Jack?

He's over there, coaching the Little League.

Do you know what it's Iike to faII on the fIoor?

And cry your guts out tiII you got no more Come on, sweetheart. I want my new daughter-in-law

-to meet the whole family. -Smile!

JACK: One, two, three, -Rockets! -Rockets!

Who wants sugar? Let's go!

What is this, like a five-foot hoagie?

-Hi ! -Hi.

This is my niece, and BFF , the great Sammy Sosa.

Sammy, this is your Aunt Joy.

-Nice to meet you, Sammy. -Hi, Joy.

I didn't know you coached Little League.

Oh, there's a lot of things you don't know about me. Isn't that right?

Jack wore a little fedora and a leather jacket to school every day for six months.

Who wouldn't want to be Indiana Jones?

I agree completely. I mean, Raiders of the Lost Ark may be the greatest movie ever made.

-I don't think I like what's going on here. -What, are we bonding now?

Hey man now you're reaIIy Iiving

(BOTH CHEERING)

Yeah.

She doesn't seem so bad, Uncle Jack.

I think you guys should just split the money and stay married.

Make a hundred pretty babies.

You told her?

Yeah, I don't have secrets from Sammy. I tell her everything.

Hey man now you're reaIIy Iiving WeII I just saw the sun rise over the hiII Never used to give me much of a thriII But hey man now you're reaIIy Iiving Well, ladies, I believe this is where we go our separate ways.

Thank you.

PeopIe sing Do you know what it's Iike to faII on the fIoor?

And cry your guts out tiII you got no more Hey man now you're reaIIy Iiving Joy!

Mason.

-What are you doing here? -I was just visiting some friends.

-In Brooklyn? -Well, yeah. Yeah.

Brooklyn. The B. K. Love it here.

MASON: Yeah, they're artists. Yeah.

Hey, you want to go grab a glass of vino? Maybe chat up for a bit?

I can't right now. Sorry.

-Okay, all right. Well, maybe next week. -I have my retreat.

Wow!

You seem fine.

No, I mean, you look great. Doesn't she look great? You look great.

-Thanks. -Yeah.

I. . . Yeah.

-I gotta go. -Yeah, me, too. Me, too.

-All right, well, maybe some other time. -Yeah.

Good seeing you. Good bumping into you like that. Weird.

Take care.

-Oh, my God. You're falling for her. -What?

-You're falling for your wife! You idiot! -What are you talking about?

-She's a wily temptress. -"A wily temptress."

-Yes! -You just said "wily temptress."

Yes, I did, because that is what she is.

And what do wily temptresses do, Jack?

They tempt in a wily fashion. And then they play you.

Tempt, play, tempt, play. And she's playing you, my friend.

Don't let her play you out of what is rightfully yours.

Keep your eyes on the prize, Jack! Eyes on the prize.

Hey, McNally. What'd you do, take the weekend off?

-Oh. . . -Have fun?

No, I remember when I didn't care about my career, either.

I'm sorry, I just had this thing this weekend with my husband's family. . .

Your husband? You got married?

Well, thanks for the invite. I didn't even know you had a boyfriend.

Yeah, no, I'm married. I didn't tell you that?

No, you didn't. I guess you're not a big sharer.

Now, listen, Joy, I've been in this business for a long time.

And the thing that I value most in my employees is honesty.

So I'm gonna be honest with you. Right now, you and Chong are tied.

Now, Chonger is bringing her husband to the retreat.

-I think you should bring yours, too. -He will be there.

-You can count on it, sir. -Good.

No?

No. I have a lot of stuff to do this weekend, and while the idea of hanging out with you and playing house in front of all your boring co-workers sounds not fun at all, I'm going to have to pass.

This is really important for my promotion. You see, my boss said that he wants to meet my husband so I just promised him that you would be there.

Maybe you should have asked me first.

Okay.

-I need this, Jack. -I need a lot of things, Joy.

So let me get this straight.

She asked you to come to a retreat for her job.

Yeah.

The most important thing to her in the world.

Do you believe that? I was like, "No!"

'Cause I'm like. . . I'm like, "Hey, what are you still doing here?"

Jack! You have got to get your ass down there, pretend to be the perfect husband, charm them all, and then, when you have them eating out of the palm of your hand, you make her sign this.

-What's this? -This is a document, okay, relinquishing all the rights to the money.

Right? You tell her if she doesn't sign it, you're gonna out her in front of everybody.

Yeah.

I mean, that's not, you know. . .

It's not pretty, but we can. . .

I can laminate it.

-I don't know. -Okay, look, Jack, the hearing's in a week.

Okay? This is our last shot.


-Hey, McNally. -Mr. Banger.

So, where's this husband of yours?

I just met Chonger's husband. He's a very smart guy.

He's a tool, but he's smart.

He's. . .

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

So the spaceman says, "I don't even have a vagina!"

He's there!

I'll just take this to him.

Mr. Banger, I just wanted to take this moment to express to you my gratitude.

I'll be seeing you at the. . .

The dining table.

-Hey, hey! -Hey.

(LAUGHS)

I'm so glad to see you.

Muffin, I've been looking everywhere for you.

This is why everyone should have their wife on LoJack.

Let me introduce you to my friends. This is David Young, your CFO .

Mr. Young. An honor. Hi.

And this is the rest of your board, actually.

Great people. Wealthy people. Sit down, sit down, sit down.

So you're the lucky guy.

-Hi. Jack Fuller. -I'm Richard Banger.

You're in my seat.

Wait, your name is Richard Banger?

Your name is Dick Banger.

Dick Banger! Dick Banger?

You, sir, have just provided us with jokes for the whole weekend !

Well, you must be Jack. . .off!

Jack-Off! Give it to me, baby!

-Jack-Off, buddy! -He has a comeback!

McNally, where have you been hiding this guy?

You know, I've just been keeping him all to myself!

Well, you gotta learn how to share.

All right, everybody, let's sit down. Brainiac, Chonger, move over.

"Jack-Off." How about it? Oh, boy.

I don't know what made you change your mind, and I don't need to. I just. . .

Thank you.

-"Jack-Off." I love that. -Yeah, I do, too.

I love that, that you said that. Because it was. . .

For a moment there, I. . .

I'm so sorry.

MAN: Joy, come on over! Joy!

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

I'm on it!

-Yeah ! -I'm on it.

Yeah ! Yeah !

(ALL CHEERING)

(ONE LOVE PLAYING)

One looks for happiness One longs to find a partner One knows that nowadays One love will be the answer

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

One sees a crazy world One needs a fresh perspective

-Hey. -So what's up? She sign it yet?

-No, not yet. -You better not be pussying out on me!

Don't get your panties in a bunch. I'm just waiting for her to get down here.

Got to warm these people up, you know?

All right, well, call me when it's done, okay?

I'm holding down the fort in the meantime.

-Yeah. AII right. -Bye.

Lavender.

You get on my head.

Oh, my God. That is slick. That is something else.


-Can you believe this? -No.

I guess I was wrong. You do clean up pretty well.

What?

No, you just. . . You. . .

I like your hair like that.

Thanks.

Can I get two shots?

You know what? Make it three.

Hello, McNally. Jack-Off, how are you doing?

-Hey, Mr. Banger. -How are you?

Good.

Cheers.

"Hello, my name is Joy's Bitch."

How's it going tonight? You guys having fun?

That's a good one, McNally. I had no idea you were so much fun.

She's very serious at work.

You don't know her that well. This one's a wildcat.

-I wouldn't lie to you, Big Dick. -Well, if you did, I'd have to kill you.

-Seriously. -There's nothing this woman loves

-more than a good dare. -Really?

Yeah. You ever see what she can do with a champagne bottle?

-Unbelievable. Shocking. -No, it's just. . . It's a party trick. It's not. . .

I dare you.

-I hate you. -You love me.

(EXCLAIMING)

Very good ! Very good !

Terrific! You know, had I seen this side of you before, I probably would have promoted you a long time ago.

(SINGING) Get down on it

-That's a lot. -Your turn.

How you gonna do it If you reaIIy don't wanna dance By standing on the waII?

You know what? You shouldn't do that.

You've got this, okay?

Throw the dice.

You've got this.

-We need what, a seven? -A seven !

-Okay. -Throw a seven !

DEALER: Seven.

Oh, my God !

-Thank you. Thank you. -You're welcome.

We're done. Can we quit? Can we quit? We're. . . Okay.

Throw it in there.

Thank you. Ladies and gentIemen, wouId you pIease gather round?

(CELL PHONE BEEPING)

BANGER: Come on. Don't be afraid. This year's Golden Handshake Award for best team spirit goes to a new face, and one of the funniest son of a bitches I've ever had the pIeasure to know.

And I think you know who I'm taIking about.

-Jack-Off! Jack-Off! Jack-Off! -Jack-Off! Jack-Off! Jack-Off!

BANGER: Get up here! Come on!

Congratulations, Jack-Off.

WeII, thank you aII for an amazing weekend. I...

I have to thank my wife, Joy.

She probably never told you all the story about how we met.

It might come as a surprise to many of you that we didn't know each other for very Iong before we got hitched.

What can I say? You know? When you know, you know.

On our wedding night, we were so busy running back to the honeymoon suite that we never reaIIy got a chance to have a first dance.

So...

Ladies and gentIemen, for the first time, Mr. and Mrs. Jack FuIIer!

(CROWD APPLAUDING)

(PLAYING WHAT A FEELING)

(SINGING) First, when there's nothing but a sIow gIowing dream That your fear seems to hide...

(GLASSES CLINKING)

You hear that?

-They're clinking. -Yeah. They are clinking.

I think that means they want us to kiss.

Well, if that's what the crowd wants. . .

Yeah, but if you're not up for it, you don't have to. It's fine.

In a worId made of steeI Made of stone

WeII, I hear the music Close my eyes, feel the rhythm Wrap around Take a hoId of my heart What a feeIing!

Being's beIieving I can't have it aII Now I'm dancing for my Iife Take your passion And make it happen

Go. Go.

Okay, people. Party like you mean it.

And what happens in Tujunga FaIIs stays in Tujunga FaIIs!

(CROWD CHEERING AND APPLAUDING)

ALL: We love it! We love it! We love it!

Now I hear the music Close my eyes, I am rhythm In a fIash It takes hoId of my heart What a feeIing All right, look.

When's the last time you were, like, really happy?

-Really happy? -And don't say Vegas, because if you do, I'll just. . . I'll have to cry.

Okay.

There was this one day, before the Exchange, before Mason.

I was feeling really adventurous, so I took the ferry

-about 30 miles east of the city. -Mmm-hmm.

There was this great lighthouse.

I mean, it was just right on the beach, off the boardwalk.

-You went there by yourself? -Yeah.

You know, I just, like, sat on the beach, listened to the waves, watched the sunset.

God ! I had no concerns, you know? I had, like, no responsibilities, no job stressing me out.

I had no one to please but myself.

-That's that photo you have. -Yeah.

That was a great day.

I did take myself out of the game.

If you stop betting, you never have to lose.

I'd bet on you, Jack.

So, long day, huh?

Yeah.

So, we should probably get to bed.

Yep.

Can you undo my zipper?

-It gets stuck. -Yeah ! Yeah.

Absolutely.

All right.

All right. Okay. There it is.

Thanks.


Hey, I. . . These. . .

-I wasn't in your things. -It's okay. Just leave them right there.

I can put them back.

Good night, Mr. Fuller.

Good night, Mrs. Fuller.


(IT'S ALRIGHT PLAYING)

It's aII right

It's okay

(GASPS)

Everything's aII right

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

It's aII right Everything's aII right

It's okay

Okay, I'm on my way. I know.

It's almost over. I'm about to be a free woman.

-Joy. Joy! -What?

I have to go.

-Mason? -Yeah.

I can't talk right now. I'm sorry. I have to get going. I just. . .

I want you back, Joy.

-What? -I made a huge mistake letting you go.

I see that now.

Seeing you the other day, you had this glow about you.

Not that you didn't before, it's just. . .

Sometimes it takes losing something for you to realize what you had.

I want to make up for the wrong I did to you.

This is yours.

I gave it to you, and I want you to have it.

-Where did you get this? -And Joy, you are good enough for me.

I mean that!

JUDGE WHOPPER: Court is called to order.

Well, lookie here, lookie here! The happy couple!

Six months down the road. Did you learn anything?

We'll see.

Now, Dr. Twitchell, in your opinion, did the couple, Jack Fuller and Joy McNally, obey the court order to live together as man and wife, and do you believe they put sufficient effort into the marriage?

These two have

a lot of issues.

A lot of deeply unsettling issues that, as individuals, they seriously need to work on.

Seriously.

But together, in my honest opinion, they're perfect for each other.

It's the real thing.

Go figure.

Well, thank you, Doctor. You may step down.

Tipper!

Hi, Your Honor.

Have you lost weight?

Gotcha. Let's begin.

Although Ms. McNally ran up $25,000 in credit card debt in my client's name, my client recently spent the same amount for materials for his new furniture business.

Therefore, we propose the following settlement, Your Honor.

The original $3 million, deduct half for taxes and $50 ,000 that's already been spent, that leaves $1 .45 million to be divided. . .

equally.

Now that's the spirit! You've learned to share! Do you accept?

No, Your Honor, we do not.

(COUGHS)

(WHISPERS) Gold-digging whore.

My client has advised me that she doesn't want any of the money.

She just wants a divorce.

Miss McNally, are you sure?

Yes, Your Honor, I am.

Well, then I hereby grant the divorce and award all the monies to Mr. Fuller.

Court adjourned.

You win, Jack.

I officially want nothing from you.

Oh, my God.

I won a case! Jesus Christ!

Dude, we won !

I won !

Yeah ! I'm the law, bitches!

I'm a lawyer!

HATER: To me!

Anybody need a lawyer?

(TONIGHT I HAVE TO LEAVE IT PLAYING)

And tonight I have to Ieave it It's hard out there, isn't it?

Time heals all wounds.

Now that you guys are officially done, is there any chance I can get her number.

E-mail is fine.

Go ahead, run it.

Have any idea what her plans are going to be for the future?

Yeah, okay.

You don't have to answer that right now.

MAN: Hey, I have a question.

How much does an island cost?

BANGER: Now we come to the final item on our agenda.

Congratulations, McNally.

Thank you, sir. I won't let you down.

Okay, I think I'm gonna have to let you down.

Why don't you just give it to Chong, you know?

She's good, she deserves it, and besides, I think she just enjoys being miserable.

-Yes! -You sure you know what you're doing?

No, I don't. But I think that's the point.

I would rather do nothing and be happy than do something that I don't love.

Well, I lost her at happy.

I don't know what the hell she was trying to say anyway.

Well done, Chonger. The job is yours.

Thank you.

So! Jack made a piece of furniture.

He finished it.

Okay. Go ahead, Dad. What's wrong with it?

Nothing. It's good.

It's really good. I'm proud of you.

-Thank you. -But. . .

Here we go.

. . .you royally screwed up when it comes to that girl.

It was a big, stupid mistake. Okay? The entire marriage was a lie!

The marriage might have been a mistake, but it was not a lie.

And I think that anybody who has spent time with you two recently could tell you that.

So why don't you get your head out of your ass and go do something about it?

Or should I tell you not to, and then maybe you will?

-TIPPER: She's gone, man. -Gone? What do you mean, gone?

She, like, lost it. She quit her job, shut off her phone. She took off.

Look, I don't really care much for you, and I want to cut your friend Hater. Seriously.

But for some reason, you're, like, the only man that Joy can actually be herself with, so I wanna tell you where she is, I really do. I just don't know.

-What do you know? -I don't know. If you were miserable and you wanted to get happy again, where would you go?

What?

Thank you.

Okay, tell you what. We both go.

That way, when she sees us both, she can make up her mind on who she wants to be with.

I've loaned you my band saw, I've loaned you my beer tap.

Do you even know how to drive an automatic?

The keys. Give me the keys.

Here. Sorry.

Go get your future ex-ex-wife.

(I'M NOT OVER PLAYING)

What're you doing later? You like trance music?

What a waste of time The thought crossed my mind But I never missed a beat Can't explain the who or what I was Trying to beIieve What wouId you do?

What wouId you do? Do you know?

I once had a grip on everything It feeIs better to Iet go I'm not over I'm not over you just yet Cannot hide it You're not that easy to forget I'm not over


You found me.

You left this behind, and I wanted to bring it back to you.

Do you know how many lighthouses there are 30 miles east of the city?

-How many? -Five.

-Really? -Yeah, just in case you're wondering.

So.

Did you come all the way out here just to give this back to me?

I did. So I'm going to get out of here.

All right. Here it is.

When we were married, I was horrible.

Sick. Just wrong.

And it's the best time I've ever had.

You bet on me, Joy,

and you made me want to bet on myself.

So don't think about anyone else and just answer this for you.

Do you want to be married to me?

Again?

You know, for so long, I've just. . . I've tried to please everybody.

And by not trying to please you,

I think I became myself again.

I do want to be married to you again.


I quit my job.

I heard.

I have absolutely no idea what I'm going to do. No clue.

Well, it's a good thing that I have. . . That we have a ton of money.

Oh, my God !

That's right. We hit the jackpot.

Yeah, I did.

Now, Joy, do you take this young man to be your lawfully wedded husband, in sickness and in health, Uh-huh. for richer or for poorer. . .

I do. I take him.

WOMAN: Naughty! Naughty!

Jack, would you put the ring upon her finger?

-Was that the one? -That was it! Oh, my God !

You may kiss the bride.

(CHEERING)

This is the greatest day of my life!

-This is the greatest day of my. . . -What? What?

Oh, my. . .

This is marvelous, simply marvelous.

-Bye! Thank you ! -Bye-bye.

Have fun, you guys!

It's so much fun in there! You guys are gonna love it!

-JACK: Woman ! -Holy shit.

-JACK: Woman ! -I'm coming !

Hey!

# "I HATE YOU (MY FRIEND" PLAYING #

# No one here Iikes you Go away get a clue #

# Go back to your. . .zoo #

# (SAVE THE BEST FOR LAST PLAYING ON STEREO) #

# And now we're standing face to face #

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Isn't this worId a crazy pIace

(GRUNTS)

Why?

You know why!

# No one here likes you Go away, get a clue #

# Go back to your...zoo or whatever it is you do #

# I don't know why I don't like what's in your eyes #

# And I'd love to split them wide #

# I could pretend #

# Can't you understand I hate you my friend #

# Some call it an obsession #

# And some call it a good hate #

# And I'll just call it pathetic #

# But some totally relate #

# I'd rather go to hell than shake your hand or wish you well #

# In case you couldn't tell #

# Go ahead, boy, drink your drink Go ahead, boy, do your thing #

# Can you learn the words to every song I sing #

# I could pretend #

# Can't you understand I hate you my friend #

# Some call it an obsession #

# And some call it a good hate #

# And I'll just call it pathetic #

# But some totally relate #

# No one here likes you Go away, get a clue #

# Go back to your...zoo or whatever it is you do #

# I could pretend #

# Can't you understand I hate you my friend #

# I hate you my friend #


You like to party?