What to Expect When You're Expecting (2012) Script

Welcome back to Celebrity Dance Factor.

I'm Hutch Davidson and we are live from Hollywood just moments away from crowning our season champion.

Now, we've just seen the last dances from our first two finalists.

Reality television star, Whitney Port.

And Miami Heat basketball star, Dwyane Wade.

Which brings us to our last, but certainly not least, finalist of the night.

Everyone's favorite tough love trainer from the weight-loss show, Lose it and Weep.

Oh, my God, I think I'm gonna throw up.

We got this. We got this, okay? You're right. We can do this.

Just one more dance. One more dance. We know how to do this.

Jules Baxter and her partner, Evan Webber!


Alex, quick, come see this!

What are you watching?

Celebrity Dance Factor.

No. It's the finals!

Even I need a cold shower after that one.

Let's turn to our esteemed panel of judges. Tyce? Let's hear your score.

Five stars!

Okay. Cheryl Cole?

You know what, if I had six stars, I'd give you the six.

But I've only got five, so you can have those.

Jules is taking it. No. I think D-Wade has it.

What? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

And Taboo of The Black Eyed Peas, let's have your thoughts.

It wasn't for me, so I gave you a three.

Dude. She's totally doing him. No way.

Don't question the sage insights of Star Buzz.

We've tallied the judges' scores and added them to our viewers' votes.

And let me tell you, this is the closest result we have ever recorded.

May I have the envelope, please?

Thank you.

And the winner of Celebrity Dance Factor, Season 15 is...

I can't...

Jules Baxter and Evan Webber!


Jules? Are you okay?

I'm sorry. So sorry.

Let's hope she's not pregnant, folks.

Fireworks!

Book signing. Milk Lt! the book!

Pictures of breasts inside!

Welcome, everyone, to The Breast Choice.

I'm Wendy Cooper, wearing two hats today as store owner and author of my very first children's book Milk Lt!

Yay!

So let's get started.

Hi.

"Goats do it.

"Cows do it.

"Kitties do it.

"Even dolphins in the sea do it.

"When your mommy uses her breasts to feed a baby she Is feeding her baby the Tits!

Gary!

Okay, okay. Sorry. I got it. I got it.

Hey, kid! All right!

They're called breasts. Thank you all for coming.

It was just lovely. And hug your mommies for breast-feeding you.

Thank you. Bye. Thank you. See you.

Hey! Great job, hon! Did you get that kid?

No. He was too fast.

But I said some choice words. They were very choice.

Punk. Next time, get him.

Okay. I will. But what's important right now?

That I just had my first reading.

Yeah! Yeah, you did! You did great.

I gotta get back, okay? What? No! Gar!

Lil Wayne is waiting. Can't some other dentist do it?

Squeaks, it's my first grill!

Right? Yeah. All right.

It's a big deal. I was gonna take you to lunch, but okay.

Next time, all right? Congratulations! Great job!

Gar! Yeah?

Two minutes.

I gotta go Honey!

Honey, I got to go, I got... Honey!

Janice! Yeah.

I'm taking Gary in the back.

Look, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way.

And I get it, you're naked, you're vulnerable but this is a safe place, you know.

No need to resort to cheap theatrics.

We're better than that, right? We're artists.

So, let's just keep it dignified.

Look, kid.

If you don't smile, your mom doesn't buy any prints and I don't get paid.

So, suck it up.

All right, baby. You like it when I'm bossy?

Okay! Okay.

Work the feet. Show me those gums! That's it, baby!

Holly, these are amazing.

Well, I can give you 20 % off on prints if you order today.

Oh, my God! I am so sorry. Okay!

That's okay. It happens.

You know the last guy who threw up on me?

You know what I did? I married him.

You're so good with kids. You should have one of your own.

Yeah. That's kind of the plan.

Well, don't wait too long. You don't wanna miss your window.

Right.

Yeah! Let's get you cleaned up. Yeah.

What do you got?

Some wine, cheese and crackers, your favorites.

That's a real treat.

So what's the movie anyway?

Dirty Dancing.

All right! That's a good one. Yeah.

What are you...

I would like to propose a toast.

Okay. But you haven't had a drink in two years.

I just...

I think we should take a break from trying.

And just be us for a while.

All right. I'll drink to that. Sure.

To us.

And if that doesn't work we'll do three rounds of IVF.

And if that doesn't work, we'll just adopt, which will be great, because I have no fears, genetic or otherwise.

To us.

To not snuffing out the flame.

.Okay. .Okay.

What are you doing? Oh, my God! Are you gonna go for it?

You're going for it. You did it.

You just... You crushed it. You crushed a glass of wine.

Oh, my God, I'm wasted.

Yeah, I bet you are!

It's so good. Why have I wasted two years not drinking this?

Oh, my God! The Big Pig is here.

I didn't even get a tweet! All right, people.

It's swine time, let's go! What do you want, bud?

Yeah, give me two carnitas tacos and a jalapeno fritter.

Good man. You have your cardiologist on speed dial, right?

Right? You do, right? Hey, girls.

How are you? Best meal on wheels right here.

Tell that to my cheese and bacon panini. Total foodgasm.

Bacon?

Have a good night.

Bacon.

You know what? I'm also gonna get the Georgia Dog Special.

Yo, chef. Where're you going? Two seconds.

I added to my order. Do you think he heard it?

I can't do anything with gloves on.

What can I get you gulls?

All right, excellent choice.

Hey! What do you think you're doing?

There's a line if you want to order.

The only thing I'm ordering is for you to stop serving bacon, okay? Pig's our turf.

Oh, my God! Your turf?

Yeah. Is this West Side Story?

Are we gonna rumble at midnight?

You know what, maybe I got a whole gang of back-up dancers

.just ready to go ck 7. a Wow! y'

You're the cheese truck, so stick to cheese.

Can I order now? No! Just give me one second, please.

That's funny, 'cause I noticed that those jalapeño fritters you guys are serving...

Are awesome, right? They're my invention. I made them.

They have ricotta cheese in them.

Come on! That's like a little bit of cheese.

That's nothing compared to the bacon crutch you're propping these sandwiches up on.

They're paninis, they're grilled peach and blue cheese paninis, with a dash of bacon.

Also awesome. Also my invention.

All right, you wanna go? Let's go. Your special against my special.

Whoever sells the most tonight, wins.

Fine. Fine.

All right, if I win, you have to have a drink with me.

And if you win, you may have three drinks with me. That's cute.

So you can stand me up again? No thank you.

That was five years ago. But that's sweet you still remember that.

I'm impressed, Rosie.

I'll see you in the field, all right?

It doesn't keep me up nights. Sure.

Who's that?

This guy from high school. Total player.

I'd play with that.

Don't be gross. Don't be that girl.

You're not still hungry, are you?

I don't know. It depends on what you got left in your picnic basket.

Dr. Cooper. We're in a public place.

I know. It's all so unscheduled.


I win.

What did you think was gonna happen?

Well, I asked you to prom first, all right. And then you said, "Maybe" so I decided to ask someone else. No, I didn't...

Yes, you did. So I asked someone else. Then you said, "Yes."

So I tried to take you both. What's so wrong with that?

I'm not saying it worked. Fine.

I blocked out most of high school anyway.

Hey. Where'd you get this guy?

I fought a grill and the grill won.

Why'd you fight the grill? It always wins.

"Chef hands." Occupational hazard. Yeah, guys love it, though.

Do they? Guys love burned hands.

Yeah? Check this out. Okay.

First time breaking down a pig when I was 16.

Five stitches. Five. Yeah. Five?

That is adorable! I wasn't asking your opinion, that's okay.

That is adorable! All right, I wasn't asking your opinion.

Look. A deli slicer nearly took my whole thumb off.

All right. Second-degree burn. Making caramels.

Your own fault. Yeah, I know.

Home-made is the best, though.

So good for you for trying. Never again. Never again.

Julienning shallots. Julienning shallots?

'Cause Julianne, ex-girlfriend, right there, she got me.

Julianne. I see what you did there. I know.

That's good. Yeah? It was good, right? I saved it for you.

Whoever she was, you probably deserved it.

What? You are so mean. Are you always this mean?

Always. Is that your gift?

Always?

Okay.

Okay, Trouble. I'm gonna go.

You're gonna go? I'm gonna go.

It's been super real. Where do you think you're going?

It's been great catching up with you... Yes!

Formal handshake. Good to see you.

Maybe I'll see you on the truck line again sometime, right? Yeah.

Yeah, Rosie Brennan.

Your hands are on my waist. They are on your waist, aren't they?

How did they find themselves there? I don't know.

This is really awkward, isn't it?

Well, if you don't stop me, I'm just gonna kiss you.

Is that gonna be okay?

This is me getting in my car.

This is you waving goodbye.

My zipper's stuck.

Is that our alarm?

What?

Yeah. Definitely. No, I think our car's that way.

No, it's this way.

Water feels so good.

Good, baby.

Do you want some tea?

No.

Are you sure you're not freaking out?

Seriously, I mean, just say so. I can handle it.

Freak out's a little strong.

I really thought I had a bum fallopian tube.

I just don't wanna force it. Hey, Crazy.

I wanted to be with you before you were pregnant.

This just speeds things up a little.

A lot. So?

We're old enough. We love each other.

What's to figure out?

Apart from what are you gonna do about your show?

Well, we start filming in three weeks and I'll be finished before I have to deliver.

So, basically, I am going to be helping people get thin while I get fat.

What are you doing?

Yeah!

Shit! My tattoo! So what?

You're not gonna be the only mom out there with that Spring Break dolphin. Trust me.

But those other moms aren't getting judged like me.

Good call, Holly. "I'll never get tired of a dolphin."

I'm not tired of it. I smile every time I see it.

Oh, God! Stop!

Let's do it.

Let's see. Okay.

No, no, no!

What? No!

Even our wedding photo? I'm not taking any chances.

Okay?

Be normal.

And you're planning on bringing the baby home here?

Yeah, we're... No.

No, this is just a rental.

We're buying a house, a really nice house.

A big yard, one story, no pool or sharp edges of any kind.

Yeah, we're moving into a padded cell.

And why did you choose Ethiopia?

Honestly, we would have been happy adopting from anywhere.

We were on a waiting list for Guatemala, but then they closed their adoptions.

So we started researching Ethiopia and we just...

We just really fell in love with the culture.

Plus, all the white babies were taken.

You're a comedian?

No. He's not. No.

He's not even funny. At all. Yeah.

What he does is, he actually picks songs for commercials for an ad agency.

Great health insurance. Yeah.

They're working on a big ad for Delta Air Lines...

Well, we're bidding on it. It's not a done deal yet.

And how's the photography business?

Well, I'm still waiting for the Guggenheim to start collecting my work.

But until then, I'm shooting at the Aquarium.

And, you know, it pays the bills.

"All the white babies were taken"?

What?

Cookie?

No, thank you.

So you think we're looking at a year?

Well, every case has its own timeline. You just have to be patient.

But on average, yes, a year. Maybe more.

More?

I could work with that, right? Yeah, that sounds good.

So does that mean you like us?

I don't see any red flags.

But you need to baby-proof if you're going to stay here.

Yeah. Of course.

Do you have a wedding photo?

The Ethiopian authorities really like to see that in the packet.

No. Yeah, we do.

Of course we do. Yeah, we do. No, we don't. We lost it.

Yeah. We do. Where is it? No! No! No!

I think it's right here.

Vegas. It was a costume wedding.

I was Prince, Holly was a showgirl.

He loves Purple Rain.

You know what, why don't we just say it got burned in a fire?

Good one.

Here. Thank you.

Wendy, can I go on my 15-minute Facebook break?

Wendy?

Wendy?

Are you dead?

Hey.

Man, I was dreaming that I had a kangaroo pouch.

That sounds awesome.

It was like a purse. I could hide my snacks in it.

You're like a human-kanga hybrid.

I like to rub my breasts, too.

Gary! Gar Bear!

Gar! Gary! Gar Bear! Gar!

Wendy! We're pregnant!

I'm with child! We're pregnant!

Oh, my God! We did it!

My balls work! My balls work! Oh, my God!

Keep it in your lane, people.

I did it! I did it!

We did it! We're gonna have a baby! We made a baby!

Shit!

Rosie, hurry up! I need my lucky bra for my interview.

Ro!

Two seconds, that's all I wanted.

What's her deal? I thought she finally got laid.

I don't know.

I love these hardwood floors!

This is it, baby. It's so perfect. This is the one.

Are you insane? We're not buying, we're just looking.

You want the house or the baby?

I want the house for the baby.

We can't afford it.

Hi. Hi.

Hi.

Look, this is it. This is the one we have to get.

We're just looking.

Stop worrying. Okay, okay.

It's just, he gives me a hard time when I'm late, you know.

Don't let him get into your head.

Yeah. Okay. You're right. He can't ruin this. Not today.

No.

So, Dad.

Wendy and I have a little announcement to make.

We're pregnant! We're pregnant!

Oh. my God!

Isn't that great?

So are we! What?

You're... What, are you... Are you kidding?

Yeah, hell's bells. I guess it's congratulations to all of us.

Holy... I had no idea that you guys were even trying.

We weren't! No.

Now, look, son, there's no blanks in this pistol.

Boom!

You guys, you've been trying for quite a while.

What two, three months? Something like that?

Two years.

Not everything's a race, Dad.

Gar. No.

Yeah. Right? No. Not everything.

Only things where you can come in first.

Okay. Come on.

Gary, let's celebrate. Let's go to Margaritaville.

I don't wanna go to Margaritaville. Come on.

I don't wanna go to Margaritaville.

Everybody wants to go to Margaritaville.

I don't wanna go. Come on!

I'm gonna break out the Don Julio "Blank-o."

"Blanco," Dad. "Blanco." That's how you pronounce it.

And it's 11:00 a.m., kind of early for shots.

It's 5:00 somewhere. True.

Don't be a pussy. You know what?

Margaritaville is abierto for business.

Wendy, I just have to say, I am just so happy to have a baby expert in the family.

Are you feeling anything yet?

JOY-

Yeah. Some exhaustion.

A little nausea. Some heartburn. And my boobs are killing me.

Plus, I have to pee every five minutes.

But it's just proof that a miracle is happening inside of me.

So I'm so happy-

It is a miracle, isn't it?

I mean, I thought I'd have to give up my Pilates, and my running and tennis and my strip-aerobics. Sure.

And kickboxing, just all my activities.

But it just turns out I have all this extra energy.

You know? You know? Oh, yeah.

Plus, I'm like crazy-horny.

Okay. Okay. I mean, if I even get a whiff of Ramsey, it's like I just have to pounce, you know?

And I gotta give this old boy credit.

He's still got that race car engine that can go the distance.

Hormones. What're you gonna do? Yeah. Yeah.

I don't know. Maybe not talk about it at brunch?

Yep, that's what I'd do. That's what I'd do, too.

We're on the same page on that one.

Honey, I know you can't have any so I'm gonna do one for you and the baby. The baby!

Sweet.

Here's to the Coopers. Yeah, you know what, what the hell.

Yeah.

Well, that was delicious.

Honey, I didn't make any of it. You know Ramsey don't want me cooking.

Your mom and I... Not my mom.

We sure wish y'all could stay longer.

Yeah. That's the thing. It's such a bummer, but the missus and little Mini Cooper and I, we have an appointment.

Yes, at... Walmart.

For paint. Yeah. And mulch.

Well, you know what they say. Money isn't everything, but sure keeps you connected to your kids.

So how much you need? Dad, I don't need any money.

I don't need any money. Come on. How much you need?

No, I don't need anything at all. Thank you so much.

Man pats. Man pats, that's great.

Come here, baby, give your mama a kiss.

What? Okay...

Baby. Okay.

My baby boy. I'm so proud of you. You've grown up so fast.

Okay, Gary. Gar.

What? Yeah. Okay.

Awesome. This was so much... All right. We'll see y'all later.

Yeah, great, this was a thing, you know?

Congratulations! Yeah, congrats.

Come back soon! Don't ever kiss her again.

Well...

Okay. Are you sure you took the test right?

You pee on a stick. It's idiot-proof.

No, I know. It's just, you know, one time.

Yeah.

So what do you want to do?

I don't know.

What do you want to do?

Look, I don't know.

I just found out, okay? You're the girl. Don't you get to decide?

Great, great. So then it's all on me?

No. No, I didn't mean...

Shit. Should we get married?

"Shit. Should we get married?" Yeah.

No, it's just, when you put it like that, that's...

I'm sorry, Rosie. I'm just trying to do the right thing here.

I didn't mean to... Then don't ask the wrong questions.

Just forget that I said anything. No.

Just forget it 'cause I'll figure it out. Whatever it is, it's not your problem.

Rosie! It's fine.

I have to get back to the truck anyway.

There he is!

Perfect. Okay, guys, look right here.

Big smile.

Aristotle! Good smile!

Okay, beautiful. You can pick up your prints at the kiosk at the front.

All right, everyone. Aristotle needs his down time.

Okay, can we all wave bye-bye?

Bye!

Thank you, nice friend.

So, how's Alex? Is he excited?

Yeah! Yeah! He's...

No. Actually, he's... I don't know.

I don't know. Maybe he's just not ready.

They're never ready. Yeah.

Dude's group.

What? Dude's group.

It's like Fight Club, only there's no fighting, everybody has babies, they don't talk about what they do there.

I don't know what they do there and I don't need to know.

All I know is that Craig started going when I was pregnant with Henri and he's losing his shit. Yeah.

Now, he loves being a dad and he never misses a Saturday.

You want Alex ready? Send him to the dudes.

Your blood pressure is low and you are in good health.

And Dad's gonna keep you that way, right? Right.

Look at these pamphlets. Thank you.

That's all we need to know. Let's not go crazy with the research.

I love research. It soothes me.

Well then, you'll love the wall. I'll see you both in a month.

Wow!

Look at the wall! No, no, no, no.

I don't want to know about everything that can go wrong.

Oh, my God! Look at this.

Okay, there's breast-feeding, we have to know about this.

Cord-blood-banking, this is very important these days.

You need to learn the Bradley Method. And... What?

"Circumcision: Yes or No?"

Of course. How is that even a question?

Actually, a lot of couples are choosing not to circumcise these days.

Interesting. Who said that?

The expert, honey. So clearly, there's a question.

That's why it says "Yes or No?" My answer is "Yes." Yes! Yes!

My answer is, "I need to read about it." No more...

See you tomorrow, okay?

I'm not gonna forget it.

Can I get a "I can do it”? You can do it!

- I can do it! Who are you doing it for?

Oh, my God. Damn, this show gives me the munchies.

This is the beginning of the rest of your life!

I so wanna do that slide-y thing.

I feel so bad, but it's hilarious.

No, no, this is just so funny. I hope they're having fun.

Hi. Hi.

Marco, this is Courtney and Molly.

Hey. Nice to meet you. And vice-versa.

I thought you said "Cute Marco." Not "Hot Marco."

Well done, Rosie.

Well done. You said I was cute?

Ignore them. Yeah, we did.

So, you're going, right?

No, I'm not. I've already got friends.

But these guys all have babies. Yeah. That sounds terrible.

Craig goes. You like Craig.

I tolerate Craig at a barbecue. Not as a forced play date.

If you go, just once... Holly, I am trying to work here, okay?

Oh, my God! I'll give you one right here, right now.

Really?

Right here, right now? Yes.


Hey, Craig.

Alex, Vic. Vic, Alex.

Welcome to Happy Hour.

Let's walk.

I sense your fear, Alex. It's cool.

You're still on the other side.

Stay on that side, Alex.

This is the side where happiness goes to die.

Don't mind Craig. He's had a bad week.

Kara just took a three-day business trip and little Henry there just got sick.

Here you go, big boy. Walk it off. Thanks.

By the way, when we're around Kara, it's still "Henri." "Henry's" on the DL.

Henri. You got that, Alex?

It's very important. That's the first rule.

Don't talk about what we walk about. Rule #1.

Got it.

See, Alex, women pretty much control the baby universe. And why not?

They carried the damn things, pushed them outta their vaginae.

I never used to use that word for that part of the body but, trust me, once a baby comes out of it, it's a vagina.

Yeah! Lt changes.

Here, we're free. No one's looking over your shoulder.

If you put the diaper on backwards or forget to heat the bottle up, you go with it.

If you wanna ditch those carrot sticks and feed your kid McNuggets you go for it. Who cares?

And if your wife named your kid Henri and you wanna ignore that silent-H bullshit...

Bullshit! ...you're in a safe place. What's up, Henry!

Good to know. Henri. What is he, a mime?

Where does "Henri" come from anyway?

- Cirque du Soleil. So dumb.

It looks like you've got your hands full there.

Yeah, I got four under five.

One more, we can run a full court. Two more and I got pallbearers.

I got Evander here. Venus and Jeter are my twins, and my main man Jordan.

Sure, twice a year, I think about the price of college and cry in my car for a half hour.

But then I punch myself in the dick and get over it.

I can go for four more. Really?

Come on, Jordan. Keep up.

Craig, do you have some sunscreen?

Relax. Sunburn is full of vitamin D.

Guys! It's Davis! Totally!

D-Bone! Hey, big guy!

Fellas.

What's up, bro?

Offspring. New guy.

What's up, man?

Everybody good? Yeah, man.

So, D-Biscuit, haven't seen you hanging around. Where you been?

Costa Rica, bro. Central America, classic.

I had to do some work.

Really? Working it.

"Work!" This lucky bastard's a surf photographer, travels all over. Sweet.

What?

Costa Rica.

The mountains of Costa Rica.

Whoa! Whoa!

That's classified.

Gotta watch it, Davis. That one looks like a wife.

She got "wife eyes."

"Girlfriend tits," but definitely "wife eyes."

I've got to get better pictures on my phone.

Your phone ain't the problem, bro.

Come on. You guys are the ones living the real dream.

I will Freaky Friday with you anytime.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, Patel, what's the Camaro situation?

You ready to sell that bad boy or what? Never.

Never? Yeah.

Ask him when was the last time he drove it.

Plus, you can't even get a car seat in that thing.

Patel's wife wants him to trade in his '69 Camaro.

We have bets on how long he can last.

Gabriel, I understand you've embraced the minivan, and that's your journey, but I don't want to drive a vagina on wheels.

My vagina seats seven, comfortably.

I've been in it a million times.

Plus, Patel test drove a minivan last week anyway.

What? So?

That doesn't mean anything!

I look at houses with Holly, but we're not buying one.

Bro, bro, bro. What?

When your wife says you're just test driving minivans, you're buying a minivan.

And when she says you're just looking at houses, you're buying a house. No, I'm not.

Oh, yes, you are. I'm not buying a house.

Check your receipts.

Welcome to escrow, bitch.

No, thank you. Have the Breast Day!

Janice! Janice!

You're not gonna believe this. What?

You are looking at one of the keynote speakers at the next regional ABC Kids Expo.

Shut up! No! Yes!

You're living your wisdom!

I know!

She's speaking at the Expo! I'm speaking at the Expo!

At the Expo, about the breast pump And the lactation

Sorry, I just... Sorry.

No more cell phones. Landlines only from here on out.

I am protecting my miracle.

Actually, that was my cell phone.

Hey, guys. I'm sorry. Can I just borrow Alex for two secs?

What? This is it!

Already? Yes!

It's supposed to be a year. Or more!

You got lucky. I'm sending his pictures now.

His name is Kaleb, he's six weeks old.

We don't have any family medical history and probably never will so you two will need to consider whether that'll be an issue for you.

Well... It's not!

Okay. It's not. It's not.

Great, I'll leave you to it.

Oh, my God! Alex, look at him! He's gorgeous!

Can you feel it?

We're gonna be a family.

Oh, yeah. Real soon.

Here, let's take a picture by the sign. All right.

Okay, make sure you get the sign and the house.

And us.

It's a boy.

Wow! Honey!

I just peed myself a little.

A girl.

Yes! A mini-me!

We want it to be a surprise. It's okay. We don't have to say.

Evan, I'm pregnant. That's surprise enough. We wanna know.

It's a boy.

A boy! That's so cute! I love boys!

It looks like it's a little early to tell.

That's okay.

She looks good.

It's a boy, Dad. Well...

He kinda looks like the Loch Ness Monster to me, but I'll take your word for it.

He's beautiful, y'all.

Thank you. Now I will see your baby, and raise you one more.

Twins!

Twins.

Oh, my goodness! So great! God.

Can you believe it? Two!

Two número unos.

And you got the 4-D ultrasound video. Yeah.

Don't you kinda wish you'd done it now? I offered to pay for it.

So, who wants dessert?

I do! Park it here.

I don't know if you take it right off... What? Maybe you don't.

Take it easy. Wow!

Two! Two número unos!

Holy shit!

What? Whoa, whoa, stop, stop, stop!

All right, turn to the side.

Flash me the belly. I want to see it. Come on.

I know. I'm finally starting to show.

I'm gonna take one every week. Nice.

Watch you two grow. That's a good one.

That's a good one, huh?

Little peanut.

I'm really glad you're here.

Yeah? Yeah.

Where else would I be?

Marco? Wake up.

I'm bleeding.


Reminding, rewinding Removing, regretting

Forgetting

Your smiles at the wake and Your tears at the wedding

Forgetting Forgetting Forgetting

Forgetting

Forgetting Forgetting

Forgetting


It's my fault. I wished it.

Don't say that. It's not your fault. Okay?

I never even felt it kick.

Congratulations. You're off the hook.

Rosie, don't say that. Come on. Hey!

Hey!

Rosie, hey!

We're not a couple.

We've never even been on a real date, you know.

I think we can do ourselves a favor and stop pretending.

Rosie! Hey, it's me!

Tequila shots! Don't judge.

Shit, Ro. You okay?

Yeah, I want to get inside. Come on.

Fighting fit.

All right, that's perfect. Let's see the bump. That's great.

Turn to your right. Can we hurry this up?

He's pushing on my bladder.

Great. All right. We got it.

Okay, but did you get my rack?

Because I am gonna need evidence that I had these.

We've got proof. You got it? Okay.

Yeah. That's great. Thanks, Jules.

Jules, that was great. Thank you.

We are so excited to have you as our Spring cover mom.

Me, too.

Listen, can we just try to keep it positive?

You know, there's a lot of articles out there that make women over 35 who are pregnant feel like crap.

Right. And I just don't want...

No, it's gonna be so... Sorry, I've got to take this.

Hey, you. Did you watch it?

That circumcision video you sent me? Give me a little heads up next time.

I was eating lunch. Now I'm scarred for life.

Yeah, gross! Nobody needs to see how the sausage gets made, Jules!

I'm not gonna let somebody hurt my baby like that.

Jules, trust me. He's not even gonna remember it.

It's not even medically necessary.

And besides, it actually makes the penis less sensitive.

That's why you do it. Give the kid some endurance, a fighting chance.

He's perfect as he is. I don't get the point. What is it?

Because I'm Jewish?

Half Jewish. Christmas tree Jewish, that's what you said.

But my penis is full Jew. This is my jurisdiction.

Okay, so I have no say in what happens to my son?

Besides, if you had your foreskin, maybe I would like you a little bit more.

How much more?

A tip more.

Look, I would feel shafted if we didn't do it.

Can we discuss this weirdness later? I'm working.

Okay.

I love you. Bye.

Love you, too.

Well, if it's any consolation, I like an uncut guy.

Yeah, I once banged my way straight across Eastern Europe.

It was fun.

I don't know, man. Out of the blue, I got this call and suddenly...

Jordan! ...we got this baby.

That's right, you got a baby. It's not good.

They said it was gonna be at least a year or more, all right?

And that's the one thing you can count on with adoption, right? Time.

I need that time to save, to get ready.

There's no such thing as ready.

You just jump on a moving train and try not to die.

Great. What's up, man? You terrified?

Because you should be.

Here's what's gonna happen. You're gonna get to the hospital room.

And she's gonna be laying there with her legs splayed wide open.

My woman gave birth doggie-style.

They can do that, you know.

And then out is gonna slide a little miracle.

Half you, half her, your DNA all mixed together in one magical baby cocktail.

The best day of your life.

That's sweet, but Alex here is adopting.

Yeah, do it that way. No fuss, no muss.

Come on, Jordan!

What if he hates me? He will.

I mean, what if he tries to kill me in my sleep when he's 15?

Well, then I guess you're not a very good father.

That's normal. That's like every Greek tragedy.

Yeah. Come on, guys.

I'm serious, okay? I need help.

Dude, you're gonna be fine.

You've just got to get over your fear of babies. They can smell fear.

Like bears or wives.

You need some practice. Here, hold Henry for a second.

No, no, no, no, no! Do not do that.

Do not touch his baby! Shut up!

That kid is a grenade, and he will go off.

You know what, start with Evander here. She never cries.

No, I'm cool, thank you.

She fell off the changing table last week, didn't make a sound.

You dropped your kid off a changing table?

How was that even possible?

It's very possible.

It's much more common than you think But you know what? Rule number two..

We don't judge. No judging.

Stuff just happens, okay? Last week my kid ate a cigarette.

I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday.

I picked up the wrong baby from day care.

Found my baby swimming in the toilet.

And for the record, the roll-off did not happen on my watch.

Dodged a bullet. No judging.

Come on. Come on. No, really, that's okay.

Come on. Come on. Here you go! That's all right.

Good catch.

Take her back.

Take her back!

I hope that adoption agency has a return policy.

Big help, guys. Glad I came out.

It's Davis!

Davis! Davis! Davis!

Yeah, bro! D-Bone!

What is up? Boom.

S'up fellas, kids, Jordan!

Dude, this kid is like Mickey Rourke in The Wrestler.

I wish he was that well behaved. He's more like Mickey Rourke in real life.

So tall.

Been working out? Yeah.

I missed out on high fives before. I'll take one if you had a spare.

I got you, Craig. Thank you.

Sorry, Davis. All right, I'm out of here.

Nice job, Craig.


Kara, what time is it?

I've got 20 minutes to make it to the crib sale at Babies "R" Us.

I've been totally cracking out on baby stuff.

Sneaker-socks. I've got my 2-in-1 swing rocker.

What is with the face?

Holly, I'm sorry to tell you this but we just had our budget meeting, and I don't know that we're renewing your contract.

I've got to cut down on all my freelancers. You were the last one hired.

Wait. But this is my main job.

We're about to close on the house.

I'm doing what I can to keep you, but it just isn't looking good.

Okay.

Don't hate me. No.

Do me a favor?

Don't tell Alex until I can find something else. Okay?

Okay.

Okay.

I'm sorry. No.

And reach! And push. Okay now, break starfish formation.

Let's get back in position. I want opposite sets. Crunch it up.

I want 10 of those on each side. That's 20, people.

And I need a minute. And don't think I won't be watching you.

Keep it moving.

"I'm Not Circumcising My Baby." Well done. Well done. Front page.

Okay, look, I was gonna tell you I did not say this to them.

They overheard our private conversation I would never talk to them about us.

Why is this such a big deal to you?

Because I don't think that it's right. And I'm his mother.

And I'm his father. Parenthood is about compromise.

Well, then compromise, Evan. I have.

I stay at your place. We spend the holidays with your family.

Yeah, but I have sacrificed my entire body for this.

So that means you just get to win every argument?

No, that means that in every relationship...

What are you guys doing? Come on! Pick it up!

In every relationship, there's an alpha and a beta.

And I'm the alpha. And I'm the alpha.

No, I'm the alpha. No, I am! No, I'm the alpha. No, I am!

Jinx.

You know, I'm just gonna stay at my place tonight.

Hey, Jules! If you're interested, I never got snipped.

Only one star on the tango last week, Megan, but the samba's still to come. How do you feel?

I don't know. I don't really care about the trophy.

I'm here for Evan.

Right, Papa-daddy?

Evan has promised he's gonna knock me up next.

She's kidding, Jules.

No, I'm not, Jules. We're gonna be sister-wives!

Evan's gonna drive us to worship in his buggy.

Why don't you take a break. I have this.

Thanks.

Okay E-invite, draft 38.

Okay.

"Let's shower Wendy and Gary Cooper with light and love

"to honor the arrival of their Mini Cooper."

That's cute.

And then I put a picture of a Mini Cooper at the end.

Where did you get the picture?

I stole it from the Internet.

Wendy, shut your pregnant face. You do not want to see this.

It's okay. She's my mother-in-law-ish. Shit, hi!

Wendy, hi!

Skyler, hi!

Look at our bellies.

We are like twins! Except I'm actually having twins.

You really love to remind me about that every time. Hi.

I just came by to personally invite y'all to our baby shower.

Wow, this is your shower invite.

Look, I know that Ramsey and Gary have not always gotten along so well but we are family. Okay?

And it would just mean the world to me if y'all came.

Of course, Skyler. That's... You...

Wow!

What is it?

It's Mini Coopers.

Beep beep!

Beep beep! Beep beep...

You know, because there's two of them and there's two in here, and they're pink.

Yeah.

So, Skyler, seven months. How are you feeling?

With the side effects, you know. Because I know that at this point in the pregnancy, acne and bleeding gums, constipation, it's all totally normal. Totally normal.

When my sister was pregnant, she got herpes.

No, that's... She didn't get... Not from being pregnant.

No, I feel so whole.

You know? And just feminine. With all this life running through me.

I felt the exact same way when I had my phantom pregnancy.

Don't pay attention to her.

But, yeah, I mean, I just... It's beautiful.

But what am I saying? You know exactly what this is like.

Totally.

Well, I just came to drop off that little invitation.

And I'm gonna go to my pregger 'lates.

Sounds pregger-ific.

All right, one more time. Bring it in.

Okay. I'll see y'all there?

Yes, I will tell Gary. Okay. Thank you.

Yeah. Okay.

Hey, Wendy, do you mind if I take one of these?

What's that? Holly Castillo Photography.

Ramsey's been on me about getting one of these pregnancy portraits done, so...

Well, Holly's the best, so she'll make you look amazing-er.

Bye.

Bye. Bye.

Bye!

I mean, look at her. No cellulite. Not even in daylight.

She's wearing six-inch heels.

God, she's like a magical pregnancy unicorn.

Gary is gonna shit a sideways brick when he sees this.

Hey, come on! We started Mini Cooper That's our thing.

We own it, right?

All right! Thank you. Hey, a little heads up, America.

Do we have to watch this? Yes.

While we send these four home to train on their own before our live finale some of our previous seasons' contestants are going to get a little surprise.

That's right. I'm gonna be dropping in on some of you guys to see how you're keeping the weight off. You've been warned.

They can't get someone else to fly around and do these interviews?

I don't like you traveling this late.

Nobody's asking you to stop doing your job.

Besides, these are my contestants, Evan.

I was there when they lost the weight and I want to be there for them now.

You're pushing yourself too hard, Jules. Especially at your age.

Wow! Thanks. That's super-supportive. I appreciate that.

What, I'm not even supposed to mention reality?

I am healthy. I have a low blood pressure. Not that you're helping me any.

Look, I just think someone should go with you and little Jackson there.

Well, you know what, I have my crew, and you are welcome to leave your show and come along.

And we are not naming him Jackson.

You liked it last week.

Obviously you caught me in a moment of weakness.

Honestly, God, seriously, I sometimes think that it would just be so much easier if I could do this on my own.

Really? You think that?

Come on.

Evan, we danced on a show for three months together and suddenly we're supposed to agree on everything?

Fine. Why don't you make every decision about our child's entire life and just send me an email when you've got it figured out.

Why do you do that, Jules?

I know you've been busting ass with work and getting everything ready for the baby.

I just wanted to... Alex, about work.

There's something that came up... No, no!

No shop talk tonight, all right?

I just want to remind you that even though we're gonna be parents, we can still kick it old school. All right?

Alex and Holly style.

Surprise!

Happy Baby Shower, bitches!

Might as well face it You're addicted to love Listen to that. Someone call the cops. They're murdering a song.

I know, it hurts. Literally.

I love it when you call me Big Poppa Throw your hands in the air If you're a true player I love it when you call me Big Poppa We should have another baby. Oh, yeah!

Come on, you gonna sweat that weave out tonight.

We got our twins. Let's go for triplets, all right?

No, no, no, that's baby juice!

To us.

To actually getting Rosie out of the house!

In something other than stained pajama pants.

I'll be right back.

Don't you want a baby?

Don't you want one, ohhh!

Oh, wow. It's 9:30, guys. It's 9:30. We've got to go. Yeah, we got to go.

What? Come on!

We've got to go. It's 9:30. Come on, one more song.

Put your drink down! We're going. Not tonight!!

I'm gonna wait around front!

Vic, don't go! Where are you going?

If we're not back by 10:00, the baby-sitter charges double.

And steals shit. Come on!

Who's your... What? You guys.

Go home. No, stay.

Have sex. Because it's gonna be a while.

Okay. You're driving.

Thanks, Ms. K. You done us up right.

Hey, no problem. It's the least I can do, since Holly lost her job.

What?

I'm sorry.

Baby shower!

Rosie!

Hey, Rosie?

Hey, stop!

Hey, Marco! I didn't see you.

That's bullshit. You looked right at me.

How you doing? You okay?

What are you doing here?

I'm just seeing my favorite band. I asked how you were.

Sorry, I can't do this.

Rosie, I miss you.

Yeah, I miss me, too.

Well, I guess it just takes time.

Marco! What are you doing?

Really? How much time?

She's just a friend.

You lost your one steady gig and you didn't even tell me.

Are you kidding me? I know. I'm sorry.

I was just trying to get something else before you noticed. Right.

So it would be "Hey, I got some new jobs," and not "Holy shit, we can't afford our life."

You know, I know you've been so worried about saving and the house...

Yeah, we're in this together.

Here I am, trying to get ready for something that's...

Oh. my God!

What? I knew it.

You're not even ready?

Look, I'm not like you, okay?

I can't just look at a picture and feel some magical bond.

And you lying to me isn't helping.

Look, I know, okay? I screwed up. Yeah. You did.

I just...

I just couldn't handle another thing being my fault.

Okay? I'm the one with the bad eggs.

I'm the one who made us spend the 401K money on IVF.

And I'm the one who can't do the one thing a woman is supposed to be able to do.

Holly, that's enough. Stop it.

You don't even want this, do you?

I never said that.

Not out loud.

I can't believe you didn't tell him.

You know what? Glass houses, Craig!

I know all about how you call your son "Henry" when Kara's not around.

Holly, let's go. Let's go. You what?

You don't like the name "Henri"?

That is such a bold-faced lie! He's obviously joking!

Guess who's not getting any tonight?

First rule, Alex!

An obvious joke that Latins with their Latin, spicy Latin sense of humor...

You've seen Univision. He was kidding.

When you look like him, you can have a spicy sense of humor, stupid! All right? Get in the car.

He was obviously kidding. You get in the car!

Don't you talk to me like that!

Oh, my God, I am so sorry.

Do not touch me. I love you so much.

Shut up. I don't want to hear it. I love you so much.

Stop talking!

Okay, here we are in Atlanta, Georgia.

Home of one of the audience favorites from Season 4.

Okay, we're popping in on him and see how he's maintaining his weight and healthy lifestyle.

Here we go.

Drop the pig, Gary Cooper!

What? That's right.

Jules! Oh, my...

It's a documentary? Hi!

No. It's a real thing. It's live. What do we got there?

This isn't actually for me. I was just picking this up for a friend.

Remember this guy? See that guy?

You remember him? Oh, jeez.

This is a one-time thing. It's a treat.

That's what I thought you might say.

We've been doing a little recon on you.

Nice sweater, by the way. Thank you.

My wife is pregnant, Jules, okay?

And you know, it's really common for guys to put on a little weight as their wife does.

It's called "Couvade Syndrome" or "Sympathetic Pregnancy."

No. It's called a crutch, Gary.

Come on. We need to deal with what the real issue is.

You need to deal with it today, not 100 pounds from now.

Do you wanna be this guy again?

Could we stop this, please?

Because you don't even understand what I'm talking about.

I don't understand? It's not an issue you have in your life.

Stop it. Ever since I've had this belly people think it's okay, not just to have an opinion about me but to have an opinion about my baby.

Seriously, in what world is it okay for a complete stranger to comment on my son's penis before he's even born?

Jesus! Somebody, anybody, please ask me what I'm craving.

What are you craving?

That looks pretty good.

They are really good.

They're not good for you, but they're really good.

Okay, we can cut that part out. Are we still rolling? We good?

We good? Okay, here we go.

We are gonna deal with this issue, Gary, in a very healthy way.

Okay I wanna hear you say, "I can do it!"

Just like you did in Season 4. Okay.

I wanna hear it. Say it! "I can do it!" I can do it!

I can do it! I can do it! I can do it!

You and I are gonna do it together, Gary. Okay!

You and I, here we go. We're gonna do lunges. Ready?

And I want it deep, to the knee, and squeeze back up.

One more. Come on in.

Let's go.

Jules! Oh, my God! Are you okay? Oh, my God!

Are you okay? No! I'm okay. Oh, my God!

Gary. Someone's gotta call 9-1-1. Okay, yeah.

Oh, God! No!

What's up, guys?

Guys! Hey! Whoa, whoa! Wait up.

Freeze! Don't take another step!

You told your wife Craig likes to call Henri "Henry"?

She did not take it well. Okay, my bad, my bad. I'm sorry.

We're here to let off a little steam. Not break up families.

Craig shouldn't have to see his kids only on weekends 'cause you got a big mouth.

Hey, I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking.

Darn right you weren't thinking.

You wanna adopt? Adopt some new friends.

Come on, guys. Really?

Unbelievable!

Craig! Come on, Craig!

Hey, don't think that I won't punch you in the neck just 'cause I have an infant strapped to me.

I still have full range of motion. Look, I'm in crisis here. All right?

We had to pull out of the house.

Now Holly won't even talk to me. She thinks I don't want the baby.

Well, do you?

Yeah.

Really?

Okay, I don't know. I don't know.

I mean, you said this is where happiness goes to die.

Henry cries if you touch him.

You found your kid in the toilet, right?

Jordan is a spaz.

You're the spaz.

You just don't get it. We love being dads.

When I was young, I used to think I was so happy.

But now, I know I'm happy.

Exhausted but happy-

I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

Yeah. You don't know true love till you've wiped someone's butt.

Look at me, man.

I love my baby so much, I worry I'm gonna eat him.

I am a lackluster husband but an above-average dad.

You gotta figure it out, bro.

You're on your own.

Burn!

That's it? What about the "no judging" rule?

Cause I m feeling a little judged right now.

You broke the code, bro.

Yeah! Go do your pull-ups!

Davis! Davis!

The hospital said I could fly pretty soon.

Nice try.

You need to stay in bed so we can keep your contractions under control.

You're having this baby in Atlanta. You don't understand.

I have to get back to L.A. I have to finish my show.

And what? Have your water break at 30,000 feet?

I climbed Everest, okay?

I'm pretty confident I can keep this baby in until I get home.

I can do that, okay? I can do it.

No. You can't. You need to stay in bed.

Honestly, you don't have a choice.

Now who can you call to come take care of you?

Gary, honey, slow down! You're practically sprinting!

Okay. Okay.

Squeaks, are you sure you feel all right?

Quit asking me! I'm great!

Oh, my... Sweet bird of paradise, what is that smell?

Is that you?

If you must know it's the baby.

The baby has gas, okay? The poor little thing can't help itself.

Kinda smelt like you, actually. Don't talk about our baby like that!

Hi. Hi.

Wow, thank you! Thank you.

The baby just peed itself a little.

Are you sure that speaking at the Kids Expo next week is the best idea?

I need support!

Hey! Look who made it!

Come on back! These girls have got it goin' on back there!

You too, Gar. Come on! Your mom's gonna be glad to see you.

Still not my mom. She was born in '86.

All right.

Kickin' ass, J.B. Wendy! Come here, girl!

Foot massages and henna tats!

Neat!

Hey, you sure it's not Wendy who's having the twins?

Dad.

Son, you gotta learn to lighten up, or it's gonna be a hell of a long day.

Oh. my gosh!

.L-Hey, Gary. Hey.

We saw you on that Lose it and Weep show.

My wife and I cried every pound you lost.

Don't you gain it back. Yeah, yeah. I'm working on it.

Here you go, pal. Drink up. No, thanks. I'm good.

So, what is it like to be the son of a racing legend?

Yeah! Do you ever get on the track with that guy?

One time.

The Great Go-Kart Beatdown of 1989.

Dad, they don't wanna hear about this. Yeah, we do.

I won.

He cheated. He cheated.

No. It was just an exercise in gamesmanship.

And beatdownsmanship.

Yeah, you win again, Dad.

Hey, where are you going? You can't walk away from a fresh margarita!

I'm not supposed to drink my calories, Dad!

We can always make it a Skinny Girl!

He's great.

He's a great kid, isn't he?

Ramsey Cooper.

I will not have my son treated like that.

Put your drink down, get your ass out there and fix what needs fixing.

We were just having a little fun. I'm just trying to toughen him up.

He needs to heal, okay? And you need to listen. I mean it, Ram Bam.

I will not have these babies come into this world when there is strife in our family.

Now go.

Put your drink down.

And go.

Okay, Tater Tot.

It's okay. Just 'cause you have a bad dad doesn't mean you're gonna be a bad dad.

You will not ridicule, you will not compete.

I will not compete!

Are you talking to yourself again?

I need some alone time, Dad. Need some alone time.

I will not compete!

You can't get rid of me that easy.

Oh, God! Dad, I'm not racing. Neither am I.

I'm not falling for that trick.

Just get it off your chest, son.

I'm sick of competing with you, okay?

That's it. Just keep going. I'm listening.

You named me Gary Cooper, for chrissake! Get it all out.

You're the reason I got fat! You are the reason I got fat!

Whoa, ouch! That hurt. Slow down. Stop.

Really?

I guess I've been kind of a shit sandwich in the old Dad department, huh?

I saw every episode of your Lose it season.

I have the whole thing on DVD, Blu-ray.

And sometimes, I stay up at night and I watch it over and over again.

Really?

Yeah.

This is hard for me.

But there's something that I really wanna tell you.

Okay, Dad.

Beat me home and we never have to race again!

God damn it!

This is not good parenting! I'm gonna beat you!

This is so ridiculous!

Hey, Bob! Hey, Dave! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Sorry!

Where you going? Narnia?

You wanna go crazy? Let's go crazy!

Now that's the Cooper spirit!

Yes.

Rubbing is racing! Hey!

Here's a little love tap for you.

You're still cheating!

Get ready! Here comes the checkered flag!

Stop it!

There's only one número uno, son.

I'm not número dos!

Toe-to-toe!


I won!

He wasted Margaritaville.

He won!

Yeah!

Your daddy's such a good dancer.

Hello?

Hello. Oh, my God!

What are you doing here? You're supposed to be on the show!

Megan and I got kicked off. Oh, my God.

Watch this. Watch this.

Oh, God! Oh, my God!

You threw your samba for me.

The judges called it a "national disaster."

I don't want anyone else taking care of you.

That's my job.

Okay, look. You were right, okay? You win...

Jules, I don't wanna be right. I don't wanna win.

I just want you and our baby safe. Okay?

That was actually, like, a national disaster right there.

Daddy's here.

Daddy's here.

I'm gonna give you the one, but it's not for the right reasons.

See you tomorrow.

If you want me to go, I'll go.

What happened to your hand?

Look. I want you to know that I get it.

I'll probably never really understand what you went through.

But I don't want that to be the reason we're not together.

You were right, I never even took you out on a real date.

But I want to.

I made these for you.

Caramels.

Piece-of-shit double boiler.

I thought you said never again.

Well, I made an exception.

Marco, the reason we're not together has nothing to do with the fact we were gonna have a baby.

It wouldn't have worked anyway.

That's bullshit, Rosie. Give me one good reason.

Okay, you don't have a car.

What? Says the girl with the duct-taped Civic.

Seriously? Fine. It's not the car.

You got me. Then what, Rosie? What?

'Cause we were great.

You know, you have the worst taste in girls.

You go for the most obvious, least-interesting chef groupies ever.

What does that say about me if that's what you're into?

Well, they can't all be you, now can they?

You wanna know what it is? Yeah.

Every time I look at your face, it kills me. Is that enough of a reason?

Can we be done with this conversation, please?

Yeah. We can be done.

Here.

No. I don't even like caramels. Just keep them. Take them.

Holly, thank you for coming. Sure.

I can't wait to see this. It's a little big.

Well, you know we wanted it big. I know.

All right, let's see it.

You might wanna wait till you get home to open it, I think.

No, I wanna see it right here.

Okay.

I did it exactly how you want.

I love it! I love it!

You do? Good. I love it!

Holly!

And when you come back from Africa I'm gonna get you to take a picture of these twins, and my stepson's baby.

I mean, you are gonna be our family photographer!

Hey!

I felt a kick in there!

I'm gonna cover this up for you.

Do you wanna feel?

Sure.

It's two in there, yeah?

Do you feel that? Yeah.

It really is a miracle, isn't it?


Wendy! There you are! Hi, here I am.

And looking so fantastic! We are so glad you agreed to speak.

Hello, there! Aren't you just loving it?

Experiencing everything for yourself?

You must be ecstatic, every second of every day.

Every day, every second, totally ecstatic.

Hey, Wendy.

We have to get some of these for the store. It tastes like real nipple.

Janice, I don't think I can do this.

I mean, I can't go out there and just act like everything's peachy.

I really feel like crap.

It's so hot.

You can do it. Just put one cankle in front of the other.

Get out there and tell the truth and share your wisdom.

Janice, I just peed myself.

That's natural. No, Janice.

Like a lot.

And now, please welcome our keynote speaker, Wendy Cooper of The Breast Choice!

Hi. That's me, here?

Okay.

I sit here. Okay.

Janice?

Janice? Sweetie? What?

Get my speech. Get my speech.

In my pocket! What?

Sorry.

Okay. My God.

Okay. Hi there.

What's this liquid on my butt?

No. Don't. Okay, thank you.

Maybe I just peed myself 'cause I'm pregnant No.No.

No. Yeah.

And that's why I go to The Breast Choice for all my pregnancy needs.

Thank you, Janice.

Okay.

Over to Wendy. Yep.

Tell them about your glow. Thank you, Janice.

The magical, happy miracle, experiencing pregnancy.

Pregnancy's glow is made from two scoops of angel kisses.

It begins when you feel the first...

Sorry.

Hormones! Right?

I just find myself crying all the time.

Okay, you know what? The truth...

The truth is...

I can't think with this thing on. I'm sorry. I am so uncomfortable.

I don't even recognize my body anymore, you know?

It's like I could fit 20 of my old bras into this one giant piece of Granny spandex that's just...

Okay.

Thank you.

Should we all take off our bras? I think we're good.

It's a bit small. No. Please don't.

I'm sorry. I didn't think about any of this stuff before I got pregnant.

I just wanted the glow.

The one they promise you on the cover of those magazines, with the pretty lady looking down at her perfectly round belly with that sweet smile.

Well, I'm calling it.

I'm calling bullshit.

I'm calling bullshit on the whole thing. Pregnancy sucks.

Making a human being is really hard.

I have no control over my body or my emotions.

Gar Bear. I'm sorry.

All I wanna do is punch you in the face but I love you so much so I don't mean it.

I love you too, Squeaks. You're doing great.

I don't know about you but I didn't get the glow. I got bacne and hemorrhoids. Have you ever seen those?

Don't do it. Don't take the mirror down there.

And then I have these purple stretch marks everywhere.

And pressure hanging from my uterus that makes me walk like I was kicked in the vag. I just...

Okay. Maybe it's time to stop there.

Too far. That's the end.

I couldn't think of another way to describe it.

That was really good.

So... There we go.

Thank you.

They say when it's all over you forget the whole thing.

I, for one, really hope that's true.

Like that. I really hope I forget that.

Wendy Cooper, everybody.

...hanging from my uterus that makes me walk like I was kicked in the...

No. I don't think you went too far at all.

Seriously. No one's even gonna see this.

This is gonna ruin my business.

This is all gonna blow over.

It's not a big deal at all for sure.

Oh, God.

Gar. No.

It's a mob. It's a mob, Gar. Look at them, they look angry.

Hold your head high. I can't.

Just prop it on your boobs then.

Oh, no. I'm gonna have to go into hiding.

Janice.

Oh, my gosh. Wendy.

Look, you got more hits than that cow dancing video.

Two million!

Hormones, hormones Punch you in the face punch you in the face All I want to do is punch you in the face I just got bacne Calling bullshit on the whole thing Pregnancy sucks

All right, okay.

I'm coming. Just hold on to your va-jay-jays!

It's pretty good.

Yeah, Wendy is here.

Welcome to the workplace of Wendy Cooper, the star of Internet.

Wow, nice to meet you. Nice to meet you.

We're definitely gonna need more nipple cream.

Wendy touched this.

Forty dollars.

All right, thank you.


Alex, Holly!

Yes. Right this way.

Welcome to Ethiopia.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

Are you excited? We're so excited.

Good, good. Is this your first time?

Yes. Yours?

Fifth.

Awesome.

All right then. Everybody gather up your things, here we go. Follow me.

Right this way.

I will rip this baby out myself. I swear to God, you'll see me on the news.

You want this baby on time? Try walking. That helps sometimes.

Walking.

And amazingly, even Kara is calling him Henry now. So I owe Alex big-time.

I hear you, I respect you, and I will take it under consideration. Thank you.

You're very welcome.

Look who we've got here.

Trying to get that labor started, huh?

You have no idea.

Try having sex. That's the really fun part.

We're here every Saturday, bro Tweak the nipples.

Okay. Sounds good. Guys, look!

Davis! Davis!

Davis! Davis!

Hey, wait! I got it. I got it.

Vic, we've got to talk. What's up?

Hey, no pull-ups, man? Are you sick or something?

What's wrong, D-Bone? You always do your pull-ups.

Remember the girl from Australia?

I remember her well. Excellent photos, Davis. Slutty, but artful.

Yeah, well...

Whoa! What is that?

Is that... Is she yours?

Yeah.

Her name's Ruby and they're moving here.

Vic, you've got to help me, man.

I don't know the first thing about being a dad.

Fellows, say hello to our newest member.

Yes! Let's walk, Davis.

I don't walk. I run.

Not anymore, bro. Not anymore.

Jordan! Get out of those bushes!

Davis, we are very, very psyched to have you.

So psyched! Bam!

Don't ever touch me again.

Craig, stop creeping Davis out.

Sure you got everything ready?

Yes.

What are you doing?

I'm just making sure, that's all.

I'm just... Don't, okay? I'm just trying to get ready.

I know. So am I.

It's not that I'm not ready. I'm just...

I'm scared.

I know, honey.

I'm scared, too.

I don't know what the hell I'm doing.

But we can be scared together We just have to jump in. All in.

I know. I'm getting there.

Okay? And...

And I know I'm gonna love him.

Because I love the hell out of his mom.

Let's go meet our son.

Okay.

Welcome back to our live Lose it and Weep finale.

We're just moments away from finding out who our big, or shall I say "small" winner is.

Oh, my God. I'm already crying.

They look amazing.

I'd totally let that one do me.

Now, before we get down to business, we have a little surprise for you guys. Take a look.

Hey, guys.

Hi, Jules!

I'm sorry I can't be there.

I just want to congratulate you all on working so hard.

And forget about what the scale says tonight.

You're all winners.

Son-of-a-bitch!

Jules, we're live.

Fuck!

Still live.

The censors are gonna love that.

Hey, that reminds me. How you doing there, Tater Tot?

Contractions about 17 minutes apart, Ram Bam.

Because we can leave any time.

I'm just trying to catch the part with Gary, but I can always record it.

No, baby! It's fine. I can wait.

Okay, then.

Gary, come on!

Yes, yes. I just cannot find my keys. That's all I have to do.

Hey! Look at this. I've got them.

Honey, do you have your driver's license?

Because I don't have my driver's license. Gar!

Calm the ef down and get the effing car.

Shitballs, man! Slow down!

Sweetie, I just hate to see you like this... Red light!

Big Pig!

Jesus, Gar! Keep your eyes on the road, you worthless piece of shit!

Sorry, baby, I love you. You know I do, right?

I love you, too.

Watch the tail. I'm watching the tail!

Oh. my God!

My foot! My foot! Are you okay? Is it broken?

Don't be such a baby.

Just pull into any of these spots.

Right here. Any of these spots. Which one?

Good. Perfect.

Don't touch!

Whoa! The floor's a little wet. They've got to do something about that.

That's my water, you idiot.

You're doing great, hon.

Man! Why did you do that?

Stop! Here comes another one. Here comes another one.

Where's the valet? I don't see a valet around here.

Wow. Are we moving? Yes.

Babe, did you press the button? Yes.

You're doing great.

Baby, watch out, the floor's wet.

What the hell is that?

We're here, Jules.

I don't care about his penis. Who gives a shit?

We're having a baby!

Okay, okay, good. The Baby Center.

The Baby Center. So we're in the right place.

Hi. Hi.

We're the Coopers. Hi.

We pre-registered. Yeah.

Okay. Got you.

I've got my birth plan! Aren't you organized.

Skyler Cooper.

Another Cooper? We reserved a deluxe suite.

And this is your father?

He's my husband.

Sorry. Husband. Great.

We're having a baby.

I know you.

I can do it!

That's it. With your help, I've lost eight pounds.

Can you help me do the same?

Do you happen to have a room service menu?

On a scale of 1 to 10, how is your pain right now?

Two.

All right. Tough girl.

Maybe a three.

Was that a contraction? I barely even felt it.

Sure was. What's your pain level, on a scale of 1 to 10?

Like a zero to a one. Because I'm smiling, we're smiling.

You're number one, baby.

Okay, who wants to have a baby?

Where the hell have you been?

Okay, let's talk pain. On a scale of 1 to 10, what do you feel?

What are you, I think, maybe a six?

What? I'm an eight! Frown, no tears. Eight.

Are you getting an epidural?

Do I look like somebody who wants to drug my baby?

Are y'all planning an epidural?

I don't know. I guess we'll see how it goes. Whatever.

So do you want an epidural?

Hell, no. Let's do this.

That's right.

Here comes another one. Okay, breathe.

Gar? Yeah?

I changed my mind. I want the epidural. I want it, Gary.

No, no, honey. No, no, no. You said you didn't want it and you said that even if you did ask for it, that would just be the crazy talking...

Gary! Get me the juice!

That seemed a little crazy I will get you the juice.

I need it, Gar.

I'm sorry, baby. Just don't come back without it, okay?

No anchovies on that, right? Hey, Dad!

Hey, son! Hey, you, too?

It's not a race, Dad.

That's my son.

Hey! Are you the anesthesiologist?

Yes, sir. Okay.

My wife changed her mind. She needs the epidural right now.

I've got five women in front of her. It's gonna be a little while.

No, no, no, no. That's not okay. She's in pain.

Everybody's in pain.

Okay, hold on. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Wait, wait! Wait! Really?

Dad! Dad! Yeah?

I need your money roll. I need your money roll.

Sure. How much you need?

Yeah. Okay.

The crazy lady in 408 is next.

She most certainly is, sir.

You're gonna feel a little bit of pressure in one or both legs. That's normal.

You are so clutch, baby.

So clutch.

You're at eight centimeters.

Two more! I can push! Two more.

Nine centimeters.

Great!

What is that in inches?

You're at ten centimeters, but the baby's not coming.

We need to prepare for a C-Section.

No, no, no, no. I have a birth plan.

Yeah, we...

I want to push. I want to push.

I know, Wendy, but the baby's heart rate is falling. We need to move now.

It's going to be okay.

But I typed it. It's typed. The birth plan, it's ready to go.

I'm ready to push. I wanna push Please, I wanna push.

Please?

So, Jules, you've been doing well. Let's take a look, all right?

Okay. Let's do this.

Push.

Here we go.

Let's do it. Say "I can do it."

Push. I can do it.

Say "I can do it."

I can do it! Come on, Jules. Yeah!

I can do... No, I can't do this!

Okay, Skyler.

You're doing great, Tater Tot. Just hang in there.

Bear down and give it all you've got. Ready?

Okay, hang on. I have to sneeze.

Wow. That's one baby out.

One down, one to go.

You did this to me!

That pig is wearing flippers.

Clamps.

I love morphine.

Don't you love morphine, Gar?

Yeah.

We should get some for the house.

Okay.

That's good. That's good. Almost there.

You're doing great, Squeaks. This guy's got a real steady hand.

You're fine. Yeah.

Here he is.

Congratulations.

Congratulations, Daddy.

Okay, Jules. This is it. Are you ready?

All right. I need you to bear down and push. All right? Here we go.

Okay. Push! Push! Push!

Come on, Jules. You can do it.

All right. All right.

I see his head, Jules.

Give me one more giant push, all right? He's beautiful.

I need the shoulders out. And push!

That's good. That's good.

All right.

And it's a girl!

It's a girl!

A girl's good. I like girls. It's a girl.

There she is. Hi.

Hi, baby girl.

Hi, baby girl.

Hello, Emerson. I'm your mommy.

Emerson is cute, right?

Emerson. I love it.

Jules, I knew you could do it.

Thank you.

Hi.

Hi, sweetheart.

Squeaks, say hi to little Theo.

Say hi to Mama. Can you say hi to Mama?

Say hi to Mama. Yeah, that's Mama's finger.

Wendy? Hey, guys. We need more suction here.

We're getting some high blood pressure.

Is she supposed to be falling asleep?

Wendy?

A lot of bleeding here. Hey! What is going on?

Okay, Mr. Cooper. Mr. Cooper, I think you need to step out.

We have everything under control in here. It's okay. Come with me.

Wendy, are you gonna be all right? Wendy?

Hey.

Hey. You've got doctor clothes on.

Yeah.

Everything okay?

We have a son.

But Wendy lost a lot of blood in there so they made me wait out here.

So I don't know what's going on inside.

'Cause they made me wait out here.

It's gonna be okay.

I'm here for you. All right?

Thanks, Dad.

Here they come.


I promise to watch over this child.

I promise to watch over this child.

And to bring him up proud and strong.

And to bring him up proud and strong.

And as one who will always remember his Ethiopian heritage.

And as one who will always remember his Ethiopian heritage.

So help me God.

So help me God.

Amen.

Hi.

There we go, there we are.

I've been waiting for you!

Congratulations. You are parents.


Mr. Cooper? She's awake.

Name, "Emerson Jane Webber."

No.

Baxter-Webber. I hate hyphenated names.

Are we ever going to agree on anything?

The little stuff, probably not. The big stuff? Yes.

I can live with that.

Me, too.

Marry me.

No.

I'm just kidding.

I thought you'd never ask.

Is that okay with you, too? Is that all right with you?

Yeah? Yeah?

Way to go, Tater Tot.

Hi, little Theo.

Hi, little guy.

Gary, he's so beautiful.

Look at his little nose and his perfect little lips.

And he's so wise. Can't you tell? He's so wise.

That was the scariest night of my life. It was awful.

No.

It was beautiful.

It was so incredibly beautiful.

Yeah. That's what I meant.

It was incredibly beautiful.

I finally found it.

He's my glow.

He's my perfect, perfect glow.

Feeling all right, Susie? Shut up.

Marco?

Rosie, hey.

Hey. What are you guys doing here?

Dip-shit ran over my toe.

Oh. my God!

That is... I'm sorry.

No, that's okay. It's funny. Now.

I'll meet you in the truck, man.

I'm really sorry. Okay.

What are you doing here? My cousin, the one married to that old... The racecar dude.

Oh, yeah. She had her babies, she had twins.

Nice. Congratulations. That's great. Thanks.

I was gonna go see them.

Do you wanna?

What? I don't know if that's weird.

It's a little weird, but, yeah, I'd love to.

You okay?

Yeah. I'll have another chance when the time's right.

You will.

Those caramels were delicious, by the way.

The car-mels were really good, weren't they?

Car-mels? Yeah.

Caramels. What is wrong with you?

That's one good-looking kid you got there, Dr. Cooper.

Thanks. You, too.

When you were born, I wasn't even in the room.

Back then, no dad was.

Yeah. Maybe that was a good thing though.

I don't know. I missed a lot.

End of the day, family's all that matters.

Not the races, and the trophies, and the endorsements.

Not the money and the women, and the sex, and the drugs.

Partying with Jimmy Buffett on the back of Willie Nelson's bus.

None of that means jack shit when I'm gone.

But you guys. My kids, that's all we really leave behind.

Say, "Mommy." Say, "Mama."