What's new, pussycat? Whoa-o-o What's new, pussycat? Whoa-o-o-o
Pussycat, pussycat I've got flowers and lots of hours to spend with you So go and powder your cute little pussycat nose Pussycat, pussycat, I love you Yes, I do You and your pussycat nose What's new, pussycat? Whoa-o-o What's new, pussycat? Whoa-o-o-o
Pussycat, pussycat You're delicious and if my wishes can all come true I'll soon be kissing your sweet little pussycat lips Pussycat, pussycat, I love you Yes, I do You and your pussycat lips Whoa-o-o You and your pussycat eyes Whoa-o-o You and your pussycat nose Who is she? Get into the kitchen!
Adulterer! You're a monster!
Swine! Who is she?
Anna! I have told you never to bother me here at work!
Who is she?
We have been through all that. Get into the kitchen!
Why didn't you come home? Leave me alone, I'm trying to work.
Is she prettier than me? Is she prettier than you?
I am prettier than you! Oh! No!
Lipstick on your shirt! Well, nobody's perfect.
I know she's not the first!
I hate you!
I hate you!
I've hated you from the moment I first married you.
You're a grotesque! Lascivious adulterer!
Don't you dare call me that again until I have looked it up!
Silence when you're shouting at me!
Lascivious adulterer. Lasciv...
"Lascivious adulterer is a man that is a lascivious adulterer."
What kind of book is that? You are a monster and a monster, in that order.
Fritz plays around with the floozies!
Swine! Get out of my office!
I'll break every bone in your ox's body.
Do you realise I could slay you any moment I like?
Pig! Using the great Burt's judo method.
Get out of here. We'll finish this later.
Don't be a bit surprised if I take the children and leave for good.
That great, rotten, stinking hulk of...
Rotten, rotten, rotten pig!
Fat, great, stinking rotten... I hate you!
I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!
Good afternoon. Am I late?
No, as a matter of fact you are just on time.
Come, come. Make yourself nice and comfortable. We will begin.
Women have always been a big problem to me, Dr Fassbender.
Are you listening, Doctor? Yes, yes, yes. Go on, go on, go on.
The first woman I had a crush on was my schoolteacher.
Miss Marks. That's a perfectly normal occurrence.
Did you read the essay I wrote on my summer holidays?
Yes, I did. I thought it was the most moving piece I'd ever read.
I hope you noticed I dedicated it to you, Miss Marks.
Call me Tandalaya.
Oh, Michael, this can't work. I'm 34 and you're 12.
Don't be negative.
Oh, Michael. Michael, what's to become of us?
And what did become?
She lost her licence and I failed English.
Can I tell you what I once did in a Latvian brothel?
My second experience with a woman was no picnic either. It was at high school.
What did I do? What did I do? What did I do? Someone tell me what I did.
What did I do? Tell me what I did.
Jenny! Will you tell me what I did? Will you tell me, please, what I did?
What am I supposed to have done? What have I done?
It's no use looking like the Day of Judgment unless you tell me. Tell me!
And did you do it? I was untutored in these matters.
And women have always overcome my basic shyness.
But you had a perfectly normal sexual life at college?
Normal? It was frightening.
I was captain of the debating team, do you see?
I was competing for the interscholastic championship by debating a Miss Pringle on the effects of socialised medicine on the British economy.
And what happened? I convinced her.
Love is not to be found, is not to be taken.
It is to be given.
You may despise simple faith. But what is simple faith but healing?
Abandon notions of socialised medicine. What is it?
Medicine does not belong to the Hypocritic oath... Oh!
And when did all this come to an end?
It didn't come to an end. That's the point.
My job is a lecher's dream.
Feature editor for a big fashion magazine in Paris.
The receptionist is beautiful.
Good morning, Mr James. Good morning.
The copywriters are beautiful.
Bonjour, Monsieur James.
Bonjour, Monsieur James. Bonjour.
The secretaries are beautiful. And the models!
What about the models? Oh, my gawd.
Good morning, Mr James. Good morning.
Good morning. Good morning, Mr James.
Oh, hello, Gladys.
Can you imagine what it feels like to be in close contact every day with the world's most gorgeous women? And what can I do?
I can't say no.
And why should I say no? I love it, do you hear?
I love every second of it.
That's how it's always been with me. A little pleasure, a little pain, but always back to the ladies.
So what is your problem?
Carole. I met her at a language school.
She wants to get married and I'm afraid to commit myself.
Do you love her? Oh, surely.
But you are afraid to marry her because you are not ready to give up other women.
Then why don't you marry her and cheat?
That's exactly what I want to avoid. That's why I came to you.
I respect her too much to do anything like that.
I think that, with you, sex is a sport, ja?
Oh, yes. I love the... the smell of perfume, and the thrill of the chase and the moment of conquest.
I like thighs. Do you like thighs? Mm.
Look, I know you'll think this is crazy, but... when the light hits me in a certain direction, I'm... handsome.
Listen, I'll see you next Friday. I've got phone calls to make.
I've only been here 15 minutes.
I can't take more than 15 minutes of your sex life at one time.
Look, why don't you come to some of my group analysis meetings?
Maybe if there's other people around it's going to be easier for both of us.
Hello, Zsa Zsa? This is Fritz. How are you, my little flesh pudding?
Hold on. Listen, you'll like this group analysis.
It's a real freak show. If it gets dull, we sing songs.
Do you think it'll help? I'll do anything to achieve Carole.
Well, if it fails we will try something else. I use all kinds of unorthodox methods.
For example, I have had great success shutting people in dark closets.
See you at the next meeting. Bring with you 500 francs.
Hello, my little laxative. This is baby Fritzy here.
He must be a genius.
Michael James, Tempest O'Brien. How do you do?
She adores me. He's cheating because I won last night.
Strip chess. She had me down to my shorts and I fainted from tension.
I want a drink.
How's Carole? Did you find a job?
I got something at the striptease. I help the girls dress and undress.
Nice job. 20 francs a week.
Not very much. It's all I can afford.
It's funny. When the light hits you a certain way you're so handsome.
I was born in Boston city...
Michael? Hello, pussycat.
Pussycat, I love you.
Thank you for another pot of flowers.
Shall I get dressed?
Or is it foreign-movie time?
You're a monster.
Me? I'm not a monster. Yes, you are.
I'm your nice warm lover.
What did you do today? Nothing. I slept.
Do you know that people sleep away a third of their lives?
If a man lives to be 75 it means he sleeps for 25 years.
You know what it means to sleep for 25 years?
It means you wake up with a shocking headache.
Michael? I have to have a talk with you.
What about? Us.
That's a very touchy topic. Because you get personal and start to hit.
There's no reason why two people can't discuss marriage without turning it into a Third World War!
We've discussed it a thousand times and you know my view. I'm a fascist.
Now, I have to go home and change. But, pussycat, you live upstairs!
I have to open your door, climb a flight of stairs, open my door. It all takes time.
My parents are coming next week. They want to know when we're getting married.
My mother writes every week and asks.
Hemingway began as a journalist and he broke away.
I want to get serious, plan a real future. I hoped this job would be temporary.
My friends are married. They seem happy.
I know there's a novel in me. No one's sure. It's time to decide.
Even if it's a bad novel. I've got to make a start.
If you're not sure now, you'll never be.
The worst curse in the world is to be mediocre.
You're not listening to me! I am listening indeed!
Now, listen to me, pussycat. Times are hard... and I'm in a hurry.
You...! I have an appointment.
If you can't be more definite, then we should stop seeing each other.
I'm not ready for marriage. But how can you say you love me?
Because I do.
It wouldn't be fair to marry you now, do you see?
I've got a lot of wildness and fun to get out of my system.
You know, when we marry, we give up fun.
You always have an excuse. Ah, pussycat.
We're children, you and I. Now's the time to live and experiment.
Marriage is for life. It's like cement.
But at that rate it would drift on forever.
We had this conversation six months ago and I don't see anything changed.
When are you old enough to assume the responsibility of marriage? At 25?
26? 28? 32?
65? 89? 90? 97? 103? You're hysterical!
Every time I don't agree I'm hysterical. Pull yourself together.
Give me the keys. Give me the keys. No, take a cab.
I don't wish to take a key. I want my car cabs.
I need the keys... uh, the car.
You've made up your horrid mind? Yes.
I shall walk! It's better for the heart anyway. Taxi!
All right. But don't... Don't say I didn't warn you.
Oh, excuse me. Haven't you seen me somewhere before?
I know the name but I can't remember the face.
Oh, California sometime.
Give my regards to whatshername. Yeah.
What are you, uh, doing here?
I'm paid to come here. You're paid to come here?
Yes, m-m-my magazine, you see. Yes, yes.
And what are you doing here? What... am... I... doing... here?
I am here as, uh... I'm here as a scientist, you know?
Aha. I'm here as a scientist.
Plumbing the depths of the soul.
Doing a bit of plumbing?
Yes, yes. I, uh...
I was so interested, you know, in your case.
Intrigued me immensely, those things that you told me about, what happens.
Well, I freely admit it, I, uh, decided to follow you here.
If you followed me here, how did you contrive to be here before me?
I followed you... very fast.
Look, a point I've noticed, scientifically, is that stripping is not sexy.
No, not in the slightest.
I can speak with a certain authority on this because I've seen this show a hundred times.
You've seen this a hundred times? Mm.
Then admit it, Mr James. Admit you come here merely searching for love.
I admit it. Well, I'm glad you admitted it.
Otherwise I'd have had to lock you in a dark closet, you naughty man.
Oh, that's beautiful.
Victor, give me a hand with my armour, will you, please?
That's the back, you fool! Ooh! Oh!
Did I hurt you?
Yes, I am, I'm going.
I have tickets Saturday night to a Lautrec exhibition.
Toulouse-Lautrec. One of my favourite small men.
Where's my robe? He's one of my favourite painters.
This is the back. I'm sorry.
You would appreciate Lautrec. He has a very sensitive line.
Used colour very sparingly but made a point with line.
Victor, Victor, will you help me with my veil, please?
Saturday night, I have tickets to a Lautrec exhibition.
He was a marvellous painter. I'm busy Saturday night. Hurry up.
Do you like Lautrec at all? You've put it the wrong way around.
He's short, but fun. Let me do it alone.
I'm sorry, they're all boys in my family.
And now, the Crazy Horse presents Mademoiselle Liz... Bien.
Hear your name and I'd start to cry There is just no getting over you The girl who's in my little red book Just never could replace your love And each girl in my little red book knows you're the one I'm thinkin' of Won't you please come back to me?
Without your precious love I can't go on Where can you be?
I need you so much All I do is to talk about you Hear your name and I start to cry There is just no getting over you Oh-oh-oh
Won't you please come back to me?
Without your precious love I can't go on Where can you be?
I need you so much All I do is to talk about you Hear your name and I start to cry There is just no getting over you All I do is to talk about you Hear your name and I start to cry...
You're working here? There's something exciting about a place like this after hours.
The empty seats and the smell of greasepaint.
What is that? I dunno. Probably just a short.
What is it?
I don't know, but I don't want to be here when it gets hungry.
Victor, I'm scared. Don't panic, it may be nothing.
You can panic now. Let's get out of here, quick.
My wife, I'll kill her! I'll kill my wife!
Pardon me, drunk, but you can't come in here.
She makes a fool of me, she makes a fool... I kill her! I kill him!
Why don't you go home and sleep it off?
She cheats with him.
I kill him! I kill him!
But who is he? Everybody!
She cheats with everybody! I kill everybody! Everybody... everybody.
Why does everyone have so much trouble with being in love?
It never seems to work. You love me and I love... I love Michael and...
Oh, Victor, I'm so mixed up.
I feel... marvellous I feel... marvellous...
I adore the way you dance. And I adore the way you look tonight.
I've only got vodka. Oh, vodka. Vodka's fine.
When it comes to liquor, I'm a health nut.
I drink a lot of gin and wheat germ. Regular vodka and gluten.
Please don't. Why not?
You came here to hear my poems. I did?
Oh, I did! Yes, surely. But you've been so affectionate, pussycat.
You're on my foot! Oh, I beg your pardon.
It's all right. But I want to hear your poems.
Oh, all right. But behave.
Yes, sure. I love erotic poems.
Oh, it's not erotic, it's political.
Is it? Mm-hm.
I wrote this at Hillside Hospital, just after my fourth nervous breakdown.
Two, three, four.
"Who killed Charlie Parker?"
"You did. You... rat."
I dedicate this next poem...
Well, it's been an interesting evening...
Please... don't go.
I'm beginning to grow extremely fond of you.
I get attached to people very quickly.
I'm a woman who can experience things really deeply for the first time.
Well, I don't fall in love easily either.
I believe in adventure and experimentation and no attachments.
Oh, I love that in a man. Ah. Well...
I'm one for marriage, though. But I believe only after two people have lived together...
Intimacy before final involvement.
Yes, how true. How true.
Why are we reading all the poems? I know a poem too.
"Had we but world enough, and time, This coyness, Lady, were no crime."
One more poem... and you can do with me what you want.
Victor, can I have a drink? Sure, what would you like?
A triple Scotch on the rocks. Sometimes a drink will loosen me up.
You have got something to eat? Some, uh, some Fig Newtons.
And some Hershey bars and... some cough drops.
You got any tuna fish? Tuna fish... tuna fish...
I have... I have some salmon salad left.
What do you mean, "left"? When did you make it?
In April, but if you smother it with pepper it's fine.
What about an egg? An egg... Wait.
Uh, yes, I have...
You look... you look beautiful.
I'm beginning to feel warm already.
Gee, I need a cigarette.
I think there's something sexy about the way some men smoke cigarettes.
Oh! I just burnt my finger.
I'm going to go in the bathroom and scream. I'll be out in a minute.
Victor! Forgive me, I...
I saw your lips standing there.
Why don't I go into the bedroom? I wait for you in bed.
Here I am Here I stay All of my life I'll be what you Want me to be All that I ask Is that you just keep loving me Here I come, dear.
I'm all shaven.
I'm here. Uh... I'm up here.
Dear? Uh, fragrance?
Dear, are you OK? Is it...? I'm going to get into the bed now.
Dear! Come on, dear. Let's go! Here I am!
Are... are you asleep?
You're crumpled on the floor, right?
All right. Good night!
Listen, we're strangers, fella. Take it easy.
Take...? I was sitting there quietly and you jumped on top...
How'd you like my poems? They're very beautiful and quite moving.
Did you like the one about peaceful coexistence, Ode To A Pacifist Junkie?
Yes. I thought it was very sexy. Oh.
Actually, the poem wasn't about sex, it was a plea for better housing.
I've got a sexual block. It's a thing with me.
I don't wish to cause you any conflict.
No, no, you're perfectly right. I must face up to the problem.
I can't go on the rest of my life being a semi-virgin.
What, in the name of all that's gracious, is a semi-virgin?
Here, I'm a virgin. In America, I'm not.
What do they do? Stamp it on your passport?
Now, listen to me. Uh-oh.
I feel faint. Excuse me for a minute.
I'm going into the bathroom to take an overdose of sleeping pills.
I like you. You're a nice, stable girl.
She'll be all right. There's nothing to worry about.
I thought she was joking. It was all poems and "Don't touch me". She's weird.
They're only phenobarbital. She only had a couple.
She came out of the bathroom and looked very odd and I gave her a little... nibble on the neck.
Like that, you see? Then she fell on the floor.
A nibble? A nibble.
How are you? Sorry about that. I got panicky.
Mademoiselle Belmont will stay overnight, OK?
Oh, surely. Have a good night's pill.
Please repeat after me. "The pen is blue."
The pen is blue.
I go, she goes, we go, they go.
I go, she goes, we go, they go.
Where were you last night? That's all I want to know!
I told you not to visit when I'm at work. You didn't sleep in your room!
Unless you're ready to get serious, it's not your business.
All right, we disagree. Let's discuss it.
There is nothing to discuss! There is nothing to discuss.
There is plenty to discuss. There is plenty to discuss.
I am serious and you are not. Don't feel obligated.
I love you, pussycat! I love you, pussycat.
You've got a funny idea of love. How do you treat people you hate?
It's different for a girl. It is not! It is not different!
If you can run around, so can I.
You love me! You love me.
I am tired of waiting. I've got my own life to live.
Oh, yes? OK, OK, you'll be sorry. You'll be sorry.
You'll see, you'll be sorry. Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye!
All right! Sleep where you want, see if I care.
I sure as hell will! I sure as hell will!
Oh! You bunch of parrots!
Life is a strumpet stained with wine.
"Go to, I'll no more on't; it hath made me mad."
"I say, we will have no more marriages!"
Isn't that Schiller?
That man there is the finest man that ever breathed.
Who is? He is.
He is? Who's he?
Who's he? Mm.
I'll soon show you who he is.
Hey! You must not strike me, you naughty boy!
You're my patient, that's who you are!
And, anyway, I can lick any Freudian psychoanalyst that's in this house.
An analyst? Then I need help.
Encore, la meme chose. And for me, please.
I love her. She's beautiful.
She wasn't in her apartment and I've tried everything you said and it doesn't work.
Liz. Mm, Liz?
She's a stripper. She's beautiful.
And she's here on a bongo scholarship.
Why don't you introduce me to her?
I could be the man that sees no one touches her for you.
No, no, no. I need help. Help.
Don't mention that word to me - "help".
That is what I need. Help!
Oh, God, how I need that thing.
Do you know that I am in love with a patient?
I am in love with a patient! You got a minute?
Surely. Let me tell you my story.
Let me sit down.
Carole is like a rose petal.
She's so innocent.
Can I tell you what happened in my dream last night?
I shall sell matches on the street corner.
And I shall be the first to buy them from you.
Every time she sees me she screams because every time she sees me I attack her.
No. You must not attack her.
You must woo her.
Woo her? Woo her.
You must stand underneath her window. And I shall pretend to be you.
And I shall pour your heart out.
We shall halloo her name to the reverberant hills.
You are, without doubt, one of the finest men what ever breathed.
I'll soon show you... who is.
Dear old pals Jolly old pals Always together In all kinds of weather
Eins, zwei, drei.
That's the one. The third one, up there. That one.
We must attract her attention.
"But, soft! What light from yonder window breaks?"
Psst! "My darling, your face is like the pale autumn moon."
You're joking? I'm not joking.
I can't say that! Why can't you say that?
It's ghastly! Did someone call me?
I did! Your Apollo, god of the sun, is calling his aphrodisiac.
I'm going to be sick. But who's there?
My darling, your face is like the pale autumn moon.
My face is what? Now, who are you?
Help me. I love that woman! No wonder she thinks you're such a twit.
Who are you?
Not addressing you, sir. Would you kindly leave the étage?
My darling, your face is like the pale autumn moon. Your face...
Thank you! What did you say my face was?
Your face is like the pale autumn moon! Are you deaf?
Don't speak to her like what you done, you rude man.
Give her the nice things!
What's going on there?
He's saying your face is like the moon. My face?
Not your face, you idiot. The face on the lady what's in the top tower!
Will you shut up? Come back to bed!
Listen, whoever you are, you are dull and I'm going in.
She's going in! Quick! We can't get any sleep!
Will you please shut up and go away!
Go home! And you, too! Shut up!
Right! Everybody, inside!
Trickle back to your truckle beds.
Everybody, faites vos jeux.
Give her something romantic! Say romantic things to her!
Your name... is like a bell that hangs in my heart.
May it ring... and swing.
Miss Lefebvre! Miss Lefebvre! It's me, baby Fritz, and I love you!
And now, group, whose emotional problems shall we discuss today?
Me, me, me, me. No, mine. Mine. Mine.
Me, me, me, me!
I've been coming here ten months and we haven't discussed my problem once.
Perhaps if you'd be kind enough to tell us what your problem is then we could all have a go at discussing it or something.
I can't. It's dirty.
Weren't we discussing, last week, Mr Durrell's relationship with his father?
Actually, we were discussing the dream about the train entering the tunnel.
Oh, ja, ja. The train in the tunnel. That was a good one.
By the way, ladies and gentlemen, we have with us a new member of our group.
He's a young man who has got certain emotional problems.
All your life you should have such problems as this young man has got.
He's the editor of a well-known fashion magazine.
I'm referring to none other than Mr Michael James.
I haven't been sleeping very well and if I... if I go without it I find that, um, quite often, I, um, fall asleep.
Carole is my girlfriend. She's part of the whole... perishing thing.
She, um, lies... puts me on the bed. She... on the bed... and sometimes she misses and I go under the bed, but this is what we describe as a pot shot and it doesn't count.
Argh! Argh! Quills!
Control your knees immediately or they'll be shaved within the hour.
Mr Quills! Have you no shame?
Why do you keep attacking new members in this way, you great fat Moby Dick?
When it's springtime in Vienna Quills is a paranoiac. He sleeps with the light on.
Pansy! Nail biter!
I prefer the sickness to the cure. Early days, Mr James.
Didn't you mention a dark closet? Good idea. I've got one over here.
Goody, another free-for-all!
It's a raid! Run for your lives!
Miss Lefebvre. You look positively ravishing in that face.
Thank you, Herr Professor. Group, listen.
I've some marvellous fresh emotional experiences to tell you about.
You see, the other day...
He told me any time I had trouble controlling myself to blow this.
You have... trouble controlling yourself?
Only with men. I have an intense need to be loved by many men many times.
A little wine, would you care for? Yes.
You'd never know by your placid exterior that underneath that ice-cold facade beats the heart of a savage... lustful... passionate animal.
What will you have for breakfast tomorrow?
Orange juice, tea and toast.
I have to call someone and tell them I will not be home tonight.
The phone's down by the bed, next to my prayer shawl.
I'm sorry about the fight. What?
I decided you were right. What, what, what, what?
About some things. What... what did you decide?
I'm moving in with you. You're moving in?
Yes. What the hell's the matter with you?
You now... moving in? You... in... moving?
Yes, yes. I am sick of wasting any more time.
You're now moving in...? You... you've decided...?
Yes. Darling, listen. If we were living together like husband and wife maybe you'd see it wasn't all horrible after all.
Oh, but it is. It's horrible. Michael!
Go downstairs, pussycat, and I'll join you in a while and we'll have a nice fight.
You don't want me here for a reason. You're covering up.
I want the moment to be right!
I want it to be a special occasion. Oh, well...
Listen to me. You said your mother and father are coming next week.
Do you want us to celebrate us two living out of wedlock?
I don't think they'd appreciate it. Well, look, let's discuss it later.
Something's wrong... someplace.
Well, look what's sleeping in your bed.
As a man's life goes down the drain, you are there.
Oh dear, all this work I've got to do.
Wash the dishes, polish the furniture, do this, do that.
I say, I do earn my pay.
Here we go, cock, spotless we must be.
Uh, pussycat. I can please explain.
Michael! I had to see you.
You haven't called me since that last fantastic night.
Carole! Look, I love you! I love you, Carole!
It's not what it seems! I'm opening up a seminary!
Begging your pardon, I'm going to find the john.
There it is, fine. Good.
Uh, hello, help? Succour? Um, emergency ward, yes.
My name is Michael James. Je suis Michael James.
There is an étrange... uh... bird ici... Uh... she...
Just relax. That's fine.
Take it easy, now.
May I ask what is your relationship to this girl? Are you her fiancé?
No, I'm just a friend.
It's a pretty rocky friendship you've got.
Do you think you could love a short man? I mean, if he had very attractive red hair?
Victor, I adore you.
Collected Poems of Shelley. I always wanted to read...
Sorry, I saw Shelley first. You did not! I saw it first!
Like hell you did. It's mine.
Victor! You're not going to let him take that book?
Actually, she did see the book first. Beat it.
Thrash him. Come on. Go!
What is...? Go on!
I have a bad head cold...
Victor, you always said you'd go through hell for me. Go on!
You see his knuckles? They're huge!
You're not going to let that man insult your woman?
You're Michael's woman. Why don't I get him? He could be here in five minutes.
If you have any hopes for winning me, now is the moment to prove it. Go on.
Go on! Go on!
Come on, Victor!
Kick him! Kick him!
Give it...! Hand me that book.
No. Give me that book.
Go on! Victor!
Victor, show him! Kick him now!
Will you give me that book? No! You are not a gentleman.
I am a gentleman! No, you are not.
Victor, show him! Get him! Kick him! Hit him!
Victor, you're so brave, I'm shocked.
I must have Carole.
I need her. I love her.
She's the whole world to me, and she's mine.
The only way anyone could take her away from me... is by killing me.
I've decided what I'm going to do.
I've been seeing the best psychoanalyst in Paris.
He's a genius. And he wants me to go to his group analysis courses.
Well, I've been going. I'm going to keep on going. And I'm going to fight!
And I'm going to win... because I love her.
Ah, that's better. Ah, a little gentle steam. Does one the world of good.
We must have physical health as well as mental health.
Oh, I'm kinky for steam.
I was born in Boston city, boys The place you all know well Are you well, Victor?
Brought up by honest parents and the truth to you I'll tell Brought up by honest parents...
Let me outta here!
I can't open it!
Then, Doctor, when I was 15 years old, I had to tell my parents they were adopted.
We fought, I stopped coming home and moved out.
So you turned promiscuous? Well, I love that in a woman. Love it.
I can't help it, I'm a physical woman.
I feel guilty about it but I come from a family of acute nymphomaniacs.
That includes my father and my two brothers.
Why don't we all undress? It's so modern...
For instance, Doctor...
I find myself extremely attracted... to Mr James.
And the fact that he's in love with someone else excites me even more.
What is it that you see in him that you don't see in me?
I don't know. But there is something about his face.
When the light hits him a certain way, he's almost handsome.
You're lovely but I'm here to get rid of problems, not to acquire them.
Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the handsomest of them all?
I am. I am!
Group, in Britain we have a national therapy.
We call it... cricket.
Unlike other sports, there's no anxiety or pressure. It's leisurely and lyrical.
It's the song of willow on leather.
Is there any sex in it? Oh, no.
This is a game for gentlemen, played by gentlemen.
It's sick. Sick!
Miss Lefebvre, tell me something about yourself.
He's really elegant, isn't he? Do something for me, Doctor.
Couldn't you throw those girls away? I don't like those girls around him.
Lay here and watch your... watch your champion from a good... here... vantage point.
There, now, on my shoulder. Can you see him better?
Can't you feel him better? Feel all those lovely... ooh... strokes he's pulling?
Couldn't you arrange something for me? What would you like?
To have a session, just the three of us.
A little bowling and a little batting? Something like that?
No, a more intimate game, you know?
I mean, when are they going to finish? I'm getting very nervous.
Isn't this game scintillating and exciting?
I'd like the game to be over. I'd like to play something else.
Other games? Well, that's interesting, too.
Can you see the bowler? Don't look at the batsman, the bowler's interesting.
I love the batsman better. Yeah, batsmen are all right.
I always have liked a little bit of bowler, myself.
Raised most tenderly Till I became a sporting blade...
I thought you'd never get here. What the hell...?
I've been waiting for you to telephone. What are you doing here?
I've been thinking about what you said, and I think you're right.
The only way two people can really get to know one another is by living together.
Oh... What? Mm-hm.
So I'm moving in here. You're moving in here?
You've taken leave of your senses! You're a weird lady!
Even though we've known each other for such a few hours, I feel that we were meant for one another. Do you believe in kismet?
Please, go home.
Don't you just love sin?
Just a bloody minute. Sit down.
Sit down. Sit! Sit. Fine.
Now, you and I are going to have a little talk, get things straightened out.
God, I love it when you're domineering. Really? Oh.
Now, while I think that you're a smashing young lady, I am not in love with you, do you understand?
I am not in love with you.
She's been upset lately. I'm so sorry.
Mademoiselle, the boys of emergency suicide ward voted you this gold watch for unusual devotion.
What's new, pussycat? Whoa-o-o
What's new, pussycat? Whoa-o-o Michael, remember me? You loved me in your office.
Indeed I do.
Remember the night in the hospital bed?
My mother's crypt. Oh, poor mummy.
On top of the Eiffel Tower.
You could have had me, Michael.
Michael, I need you. I've telephoned you several times. Why haven't you called?
I've phoned you I don't know how many times, maybe six.
I know it's neurotic, but I want you, Michael.
Excuse me, I... Oh! Hello, there.
Hello. Oh, hello.
Michael, I've tried to telephone you for several...
Michael. I've tried to teleph... Michael?
Right! I want all you cats to shape up!
"But I, that am not shap'd for sportive tricks, Nor made to court an amorous looking glass;
I, that am rudely stamp'd, and want love's majesty to strut..."
"Why, I, in this weak piping time of peace..."
"Can I do all this, and yet cannot get a crown?"
"Tut! were it further off, I'll pluck it down."
Dr Fassbender! Dr Fassbender! Dr Fassbender.
I must see Dr Fassbender immediately.
It's not possible. He's in with a patient. I daren't disturb him.
Couldn't you make an exception in this one instance? It's very important to me.
Well, in this case, I think maybe it's possible. He's in there.
Hello. Good morning.
Michael James! Can't you knock?
Knock? I'm in dire need! So am I! What do you think I am, human?
Bring it up at the next group analysis meeting, something like that. Not now!
I hope you don't get the wrong idea about what happened just now.
Not at all. It was quite simple. You attacked me.
Well, if you feel like that about it you may as well have your whistle back.
Thank God you came when you did. He was talking. Next thing you know - bang!
Just because I speak frankly about my problems doesn't mean I'm a pushover.
There is more to love than just physical excitement.
Respect, for instance, is very important. Oh, very important.
Don't think I don't appreciate those things. Like finesse, atmosphere...
You agree it is important? Very important.
Two people in a romantic setting, soft light, music, champagne.
Perhaps even incense burning. Oh, incense is beautiful.
This is all very important to me.
Only then can I give myself.
But not before.
Who would have ever thought... in an elevator?
It's the safest place in the world, provided the combined weight of the two people does not exceed 1400 pounds.
It was hell, but we'll be fine.
Thank you, we'll be fine. Very kind. We'll be absolutely fine.
Come away with me for the weekend.
Where? Chateau Chantelle.
Oh, how lovely. We could fish and hunt and ride and swim and...
And all in my room.
Here I stay...
I'll be what you want me to be All that I ask is that you just keep loving me
Michael! Carole wasn't in so we thought we would try here.
O-o-oh, Mr and Mrs Werner. Didn't Carole tell you we were coming?
O-oh, yes, yes, yes, yes. Marole mumming... C-Carole coming.
Call me Mother.
Miss Lefebvre! I can stand it no longer!
For the love of you, I die.
Do you have any salt? What was that you said?
Do you have any salt? Have I got any salt?
I got a boat, I got kerosene, matches, firecrackers, two swords und this flag, but I ain't got no salt!
Do you always eat here? Once a year. On my birthday.
Your birthday tonight, huh? Yeah, I'm 29 today.
What a night I should pick. Look.
I've got something I wish to do in private without people looking. Would you mind?
Go ahead. I'm just gonna sit here, grab a bite, and run.
I can't go ahead while you're hanging round eating food, you naughty thing.
Just do whatever you have to do. You're a selfish gourmet.
What are you doing over there?
What is that? What's that? A flare?
What are you doing here? What's going on? What's going on here?
Why don't you shut up, you cretin? I'm trying to commit suicide.
Set fire to my beautiful psychoanalyst body und sail out to sea, ablaze like a Viking!
You're a doctor? I'm a doctor of the mind.
Really? I have terrible emotional problems. Could you help me?
You certainly picked a very odd time to ask, just in the middle of a suicide.
All right. But you'll have to lay down cos I can't do it standing up.
Lay down? This is a rented tuxedo. I don't care what it is. Lay down.
I can't do it standing up. Get in there. Lay right flat out in the boat.
Hello. Ah, it's Mr Overactive Glands.
Listen... Get off me.
I have got my own life to lead, and I told you I never wanted to see you again.
Stay in your own apartment and lead your own life and let me live mine!
Darling! Guess who's here? Mother and Father!
Mother! Dad! When did you get here?
The roads were clear, we got in a little early. Michael has been entertaining us.
Yes, yes, he's a marvellous host. I just... Let's not go into that now.
Let's go out. The night's young, your parents have to leave tomorrow.
Yes, let's celebrate. I adore this city, it's magnificent.
I don't remember when you two said you were going to get married.
We didn't give you a date, Mama. Oh.
I could've sworn you wrote it will be next month.
Didn't she write that? I didn't remember any date.
We really are taking steps to facilitate proceedings in a mature and deliberate way.
Did you get a blood test? When we are ready we'll let you know.
I'm in love with a girl and she doesn't love me, she loves some other guy.
And I'm just in the way. Oh. Oh, I see. Yes, yes.
What do you think I ought to do?
Well, why don't you buy a sports car? A sports car?
Yeah, a nice little two-seater. French, German, Italian thing. Goes "vroom".
You know, they love it. Sign of man's virility.
Perhaps you ought to get two, maybe. I can't drive.
Ah, well, you knock a few people down.
The main thing is you get the girl. That's all that matters.
You know, for a doctor, you sound terribly unethical.
What do I give a damn about ethics? Huh?
My father, the most beloved gynaecologist in Vienna, as they took him away for indecent exposure at the State Opera House, said, and I quote:
"Please do not take me away, I will not do it again."
Brilliant quote. He was a brilliant pervert.
Listen, it's my birthday. You told me that.
Can we get back to it? What about my funeral?
Let's do your funeral first, then my birthday.
It's a bargain. You any good at wrapping?
Yeah, I used to work at a department store. Why?
Maybe you could help me get wrapped up in that flag there.
Grab one end. You know how to do this?
It's a cinch. I used to wrap packages.
All right. Wait a minute, wait a second. Got it? Try and get it now.
Go ahead. All right?
No, no, no. Hm.
I don't want to be a Viking.
Why don't we get something to eat? Good idea.
Are you upset cos you're a sissy? A haircut, a gym, you'll be great.
Nothing to do with the haircut!
We've had a wonderful time! We'll go to our hotel and get some sleep.
Bye, Daddy! Thank you for everything.
Bye, Mama. Goodbye.
Come on, Mother. Thank you.
We're leaving noon tomorrow. Today!
Remember, you will get married. Yes. Goodbye, Mother.
We are going away for the weekend. Our second honeymoon!
Goodbye, now. Goodbye!
Tonight was fun. Yes.
I haven't felt so relaxed for a long time.
You were marvellous with my parents. Oh, I like them.
They adore you. Really?
It was nice seeing you again.
Let's get married.
You are... drunk. No, I'm sober.
I mean it. Let's get married.
Just like that? Just like that.
I can't tell you anything but, suddenly, I'm sure.
Suddenly you're sure? Suddenly I'm very sure.
Will you marry me?
Like when? This week?
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday...?
Oh, you want me to pick a date?
I adore you.
I'm positive. Certain.
I want you more than anything in the world, pussycat.
How about Monday?
Oh, what a fool I've been.
I've searched and searched and sampled every girl I could find, and now I realize: human fulfilment does not come from short, physical, random adventures, but from a deep relationship which is quite often under one's very nose.
I love you, love you, love you, love you.
Pussycat. Let's make it early Monday.
Oh, I've wasted so much time. I can't believe that I've finally caught you!
You have my word as an inveterate cheat.
I'm the happiest woman in the world.
Second happiest. Oh?
Renée? Hello, pussycat.
I can't make it.
I have an assignment somewhere else, do you see? And it's an emergency.
I'm off. See you tomorrow.
Have fun. You sure you're not meeting some dolly?
Trust, my darling, trust. That's the basis of any marriage. Do you want to come?
No. I have too much to do in view of recent developments.
I'll be back tomorrow. If I'm not back tomorrow, send for the police.
If they're not back tomorrow, send my clothes.
I love you.
Philippe? It's Renée.
Listen, what about that weekend we talked about?
Yes, I'm suddenly free. And I have a reservation for two at Chateau Chantelle.
I wish to speak with Miss Lefebvre please.
Mademoiselle Lefebvre. Yes?
Mademoiselle Lefebvre, there is a Dr Fassbender on the telephone for you.
Tell him I've gone to South America. But I'm going to Chateau Chantelle.
Oh, oh, yes.
I understand. Of course, of course. Thank you, thank you. Goodbye.
I have to go to Chateau Chantelle for the weekend. There's an analyst's convention.
But the convention was last week, Fritz, at Arles.
That was the Freudian convention, this is the Jungian one.
Anyway, didn't you tell me you had a Women's Auxiliary singsong?
But I wanted you to listen to my lines and cue me.
Cue yourself. What am I, an automatic cueing machine?
Get away from me! I hate you!
I hate all of you. I'll kill you the next time you come near me saying things like that.
Where are you going? I'm going away. Don't forget to wash.
Ah, hello, Victor, you're late. Rehearsal is over.
How would you like to love a very attractive short man?
Certainly not. Bye.
It's too bad because... I have a sports car now.
You have what? A red sports car.
Oh, that's great. Wanna go for a drive?
I would love to. Come on, hurry. Where we gonna go?
I know a nice little place called Chateau Chantelle.
Can I help you? Are you the maid?
In a way. Is Michael in?
No. He is at Chateau Chantelle for the weekend.
May I ask... who are you?
I'm his fiancée. His what?
I'm his fianc-ée.
We're going away next week. We're going to be married.
Here I am Here I stay
Good afternoon. Good afternoon.
Might I ask where you came from? I fell from the sky!
I'm a parachutist and I missed my mark.
Where are you going? Chateau Chantelle.
May I use your telephone? By all means.
Usually I'm fantastic at hitting my target.
Bonjour? My name is Michael James.
Oh, yes, sir. And I'm from Chic.
Room La du Barry. Upstairs and all the way down, the far end of the hall.
I'd like this washed and pressed.
No starch. No starch.
Fell out the sky, mate.
Parachuting's a funny recreation for a girl. Now, if you were a fella...
I can understand pottery or flower arrangement or needlework or knitting.
It helps sublimate my sexual tensions.
It's either that or promiscuity.
Ah. La la-la.
Make your phone call.
I'm sure the club is anxious to know the whereabouts of their little lost sheep.
It's not fair.
Can't I tell you about my experience in free-falling?
No, because I am here on a job and, also, I'm going to marry the girl I love.
So, put that away, powder your nose and make your phone call and I shall go for a brisk six-mile trot.
Please send up some champagne and five dozen oysters.
Philippe? Did you get the feeling that we were followed on the road?
So what? We'll take two separate rooms.
I'll meet you in yours. Prepare.
What are you doing here? Me? Doing here... me...
Looking for you. But I thought you couldn't make it.
Oh, I couldn't make it... and then I could make it.
And I, um, telephoned your house and you weren't there... were you?
No. I decided to come alone.
That's exactly what I thought, and now we can be together, uh, like we planned.
Yes, we can. We can be together.
Why don't I go up to my room, freshen up, and we can meet here again for a drink.
Right. And I'll freshen up and we can meet in the bar all fresh and washed and rinsed.
In ten minutes? Roger and out.
Oh, my God.
How many gallons? Five gallons.
Do you know what's going on at Chateau Chantelle?
My readers will be fascinated to learn about this place.
Now, all the rooms are named after famous lovers?
Is there any goings-on going on?
I wouldn't mention any names but could you tell me about your typical clientele?
My typical clientele? Typical clientele.
All the people that are here now are typical clientele.
There is a man cheating on his wife in room Lola Montez.
There is a woman cheating on her two husbands in Carlota.
Two lovers, of indeterminate sex, in Reine Margot.
And two men cheating in Don Juan.
One might say that the joint was, uh, jumping.
Yes, sir. Allô?
We make more money in the off season than any other time.
And now you, monsieur, with a woman parachutist. For us, is the first time.
Yes, but I'm as innocent as a newborn babe.
Etienne, the gentleman in Marquis De Sade asks for 12 loaves of bread and one Boy Scout's uniform.
I want to speak with my wife. My wife.
Ma femme! Une femme, ma femme! Oh! Ma femme!
Philippe? Oh! Michael!
Oh, it's you! I beg your body... Forgive me!
My husband has followed me here. If he catches me he'll cut your throat.
My throat...? My... b...? Your what?
My husband. I didn't bring it up because I thought it would complicate...
Listen. You must help me. My future in-laws are here and they think I'm alone.
And this lady fell from the sky and she's gorgeous and you're gorgeous.
And they'll tell Carole. Cos her mother's a killer, she's a shark.
We're getting married next week and she's... nibbling my ear...
Oh, my gawd.
It's a shame. But you must leave immediately!
It's all right. I'm due back at the asylum.
Oh! He's coming! Who's coming!
My husband! Quick, in the hamper! What?
Are you all right? Of course.
Sorry about the way things turned out. 1955. A good year for brain concussions.
I shall be cheerfully refunded if you'll excuse my bellicose pomposity...
I'm glad you're back, I think he's coming to. Would you help me with my zipper?
My zipper! Oh, surely.
Listen. I do not wish to be involved in your marriages.
If you're afraid... Oh, look at the state... call the police.
They have a very firm policy towards murderers.
Now, thank you, good night, and all good things come to an end.
What is going on?
Michael, please come back.
Oh! Oh, uh...
Herr Professor. Miss Lefebvre.
What are you doing here?
Guess what I've got on?
My hat. You're right.
And what else? I don't know.
Nothing. That's nice.
Pussycat from the sky.
I can't resist you.
Don't resist me.
Please, let me in. No.
Please let me in, Miss Lefebvre. No.
Let me in! Let me in! Or I'll scream!
I won't. What do you think I'm gonna do to you?
You have a strange look in your eyes and I'm late for an appointment.
I only want to talk. What's so awful in that?
Later. I've got to go someplace. No, now! I'm fed up with being put off!
Five minutes of your time!
One drink is all I ask. Otherwise I'll hold my breath till the life goes out of my body!
All right, then. A quick, fast drink and I must really go.
Try to think of me as a kindly old man who has only your best interests at heart.
Your oysters and champagne, madame. Oysters and champagne?
I thought you looked a little tired. Little tired?
I'm out of my mind. What am I doing here?
I'm spoken for. I'm promised forth.
Now, look! Don't open that bottle, and close up those oysters and get out.
Come back to bed immediately. Now, look here.
I've had a lot of experience fondling... handling girls like you and it's got to stop.
I'm going to try not to come back.
Michael James, you were gravely tempted and you came through it unspotted.
I've been in there twice.
Oh, Michael! There you are!
I followed you up here and checked in.
How did you know I was here? Please don't hate me!
Oh, no! I don't hate you. Now, don't swallow anything!
I'm so upset...
Listen to me a minute. I must pull myself together.
I'm fine. I'm rational. I want to do something terrible!
I'm in a tight situation. I shall behave in a mature and rational way.
Sometimes I wanna kill myself. First I shall gag you. Then I'll bind you.
You're hurting me.
My wife, the creature that ate Europe, is here.
You're breaking my wrist! I'm a doctor, I'll fix it!
Let me go!
Fritz! Where are you?
I am being chased by a maniac. Could you help?
Quick! Get in the closet. In the closet.
Thank you very much.
Oh, Victor. I can't let you make love to me with a person in the closet.
Why, how many people in the closet do you need?
Please help me!
My wife is coming. I've got to hide! Quick, get in the closet!
That man was the maniac!
A little misunderstanding, nothing more.
Hey, that's some closet you've got there.
Please, where is he now? I've just been tied up.
I know. There is a maniac loose. Come with me.
Let us in!
Hello. The police?
I need help.
The orgy's in here! We're the first ones!
What a lovely way to start. Hi! Wait for me!
You are horrible people! Get away from me! Michael!
Wait! Wait! You! Stop!
Who is that woman? Is she dead?
Dead? Sure, she's dead. But she did not die in vain.
Because of her, thousands of Frenchmen will be free someday. For France I do this!
Smoking is forbidden.
You've got to help. There are lots of dreadful men after me.
This is no place for a working girl. Come on!
There's one in there. One in there. Another one there. I'm off!
Michael! There you are! Hello, there.
Who is your fiancée? Welcome to Chateau Chantelle.
A girl called. She said she was meeting you here and she was your fiancée.
That's absurd. You're my fiancée and I don't know any...
Let's go to your room and have a talk. My room?
How about a nice drive in the country? It's so pretty.
I've been driving all day. I want to sit down and speak to you.
Let's go into the bar. We can have a nice drink.
I'd like to do it in private because I may have to scream and throw things.
I feel we should be alone for that. Oh, a sense of humour.
Michael! I've been looking all over for you! You're the only one that can help me.
Our Father... Who is that woman?
Never mind who I am, but you're in great danger.
Never mind? I demand an explanation!
Don't lose your temper! I will... lose... it!
Listen. In the first place, I haven't got another fiancée.
In the second place, you don't trust me in the first place.
Before you use that spear, may I explain that what you see is merely an illusion.
An illusion? An illusion! Shut the door, count three.
Four if you like, but close the door and you'll see it's just an illusion.
One. Two. Three.
Foiled by a cheap cinematic trick.
If you insist, you can see my room. You've got some tall explaining to do.
I have never seen that woman before in my life.
I thought you were here for a quiet bit of work.
Of course I am. It's a charming little spot.
No one ever comes here. How much work have you done?
I've only just got here! Can I see your room?
Certainly. It's over there. It's a perfectly ordinary room.
Is it? Listen, pussycat.
I don't think so. Listen! It is!
I won't spend my whole life waiting around for you.
Nothing like a hard day's work, huh?
Look. I came here alone. This crowd showed up.
It's been a tremendous mistake. I know, because I made it.
Oh, Michael, darling. Please... don't let them take me.
A perfect stranger. Lucky guess about the name.
Oh, Michael. Everybody's insane. Take me away from this place.
Who is that woman? She's only 12 and she's an orphan.
Once a year I take her out. Help me! They're after me! I did nothing.
Put that in the shower!
Here I am, you French hunk of pie... Stay back!
Stick it in the tub and drown it, you twit!
Not in here, you fool. I'm hiding.
Oh, Michael! This hotel has the strangest people.
Why did you abandon me? She has a PhD.
You fool. Just when I was trying to give up smoking.
Oh, Michael. What a pleasant surprise. My compliments to the chef.
Who are you? I'm delighted.
I kill him! I kill everybody!
You don't understand. There are people in here trying to sleep.
Who is that thing? That is no thing, this is my wife.
This is a personal friend of James Bond. How dare you!
Listen, pussycat. I do assure you. Take all the pussycats, stand them all in a row...
Who are these people? ...you stand above them like a mountain...
Carole! Mother, Dad! Come over here.
Did you set the date yet? We're about to.
What's the matter, dear? You look sick.
Anna! Up the front.
Form up, everyone.
There lies our only conceivable way of escape. To it, pell-mell!
Away you go!
Michael James, upon this solemn occasion, do you take this woman to be your lawful married wife?
Do you, Carole Hildegarde Werner, take this man to be your lawful wedded husband?
Best man, have you the ring?
We live in perilous times.
Look after it, it belongs to my wife.
I now pronounce you man and wife.
Merci, Monsieur le maire. Madame.
Thank you for everything you did for him.
Well, Mayor, there's gratitude for you. You raise a patient, treat him like a son, slave all day over a hot analyst's couch. What do you get in return?
They don't even invite you on the honeymoon.
What is your full name, please?
Michael Voltaire James, pussycat.
And yours, madame?
Carole Hildegarde Werner. Were you snapping then?
Why did you call her pussycat? I was being courteous. I was being civil.
We're married 30 seconds and you look at other women.
She was talking to me. I looked in the direction the sound was coming from.
You can go on the honeymoon alone. Darling...
I'm the witness, also the best man.
My name is Fritz Wolfgang...
What's the matter, darling? You look worried.
I can't spell Sigismund.
I think you have a little sexual block over the spelling of that naughty name.
Allow me to help you. I'm a psychoanalyst.
Oh, Michael, you didn't change at all. All this good doctor's work has been in vain.
Perhaps I haven't lost a son. Maybe I've gained another patient.
Pussycat, pussycat, you're so thrilling And I'm so willing to care for you So go and make up your big little pussycat eyes Pussycat, pussycat, I love you Yes, I do You and your pussycat eyes What's new, pussycat? Whoa-o-o What's new, pussycat? Whoa-o-o-o
What's new, pussycat? Whoa-o-o What's new, pussycat?