White Men Can't Jump (1992) Script

You keep asking me what I am.

Don't you know I'm Presbyterian?

Presbyterian?

That's the worst thing a jazz singer can be.

Presbyterians are called God's frozen people.

Wouldn't swing if you hung them.

Just a closer walk with Thee De de de boom boom Grant it, Jesus if you please Boom de boom boom boom Daily walkin' close with Thee Let it be, dear Lord Let it be

I am weak but Thou art strong

Jesus, keep us from all wrong I'll be satisfied as long As I walk Let me walk close to Thee Just a closer walk with Thee Say, grant it Jesus, if you please Daily walkin' close with Thee Let it be dear Lord Let it be Say, I am weak but Thou art strong Jesus, keep us from all wrong

I'll be satisfied as long As I walk, dear Lord close to Thee Boo boo doo boo doo doo

...A closer walk with Thee Buh do doobie Grant it, Jesus, if you please Doobie Buh doobie do Daily walkin' close with Thee Let it be Dear Lord Doobie doobie doobie doobie Let it be Ba doo la do da da Boo doo doo doo dee aaah Ha ha!

Whoo!

Oh, yeah!

Hey, guys, is this the Venice Beach courts?

You haven't put anything in the offering plate.

Oh! Sorry, man.

50 be all right?

I'm just kidding.

Here you go.

I told you he's generous.

Is this where Eddie "The King" Faroo and Duck Johnson played?

King and Duck were the best.

That's 'cause you never saw me.

Keep singing, guys.

My old man was a preacher.

I love this shit.

He put a dollar in.

We give him a dollar's worth.

Oooh, ooh, ooh Oooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh Ooh, ooh Ooh, ooh, ooh

[Rap Music Playing]

All right!

Don't worry about it.

Pass it to the little man.

Let the little man get the ball.

Take it to the hole, man!

Let's go!

Get... get... get up!

Look at that. It's all right.

Walter, throw that big fat butt at me.

I'm getting tired of making you look bad.

It's hard work.

I'm fittin' to dog you, punk.

I'm fitting to dog you.

Let me shut him up. Give me the ball!

If you shoot it, I'll knock it out the fucking sky.

Can't take it to the hole because you ain't good enough.

You think so?

Get some of this.

Ball!

You can't even dribble!

Bring it! Bring it!

Get that shit out of here!

Ooh! Ooh!

Oh! Unh!

That shit went out like a Scud missile!

Oh, it hurts! It hurts so bad!

Hey, babies, I don't mean to brag, but I'm the greatest!

I am the greatest!

You all right, man?

Yeah.

Well, get your butt up.

Take your Colt-45 drinkin' ass off someplace.

Aahh!

Yes, Walter! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Hard goddamn work, making you look so bad.

Man, you fouled me!

Foul?

Just take the ball out and shut up.

What's the count?

9-8, us.

Get the fuck out of here!

Junior, if you could count, you'd be a fucking astronaut.

George, your mother's an astronaut.

He talked about your mama, man.

He playing you for a punk.

I wouldn't take it, man.

My mother ain't no astronaut.

Say it! Say it!

Your mother ain't no astronaut, your father ain't no astronaut.

Well, my mama ain't no astronaut.

Jump his ass, man.

Me saying that your mother's an astronaut is just another way of saying that you're all fucked-up.

Well, let's just get off mamas, 'cause I just got off yours.

Ow!

Keep my mama out of this, brother.

She's out.

Cool.

She's out.

Cool!

She's out.

What time you want me to bring the bitch back?

Yo! What's the score?

9-8, us.

We can't lose to you!

If we lose to you, I'm gonna kill myself.

Fuck you, skinny boy!

Fuck this, you potato-sandwich-eatin' motherfucker!

Fuck this!

Shut up!

You're giving me Excedrin number fuckin' trillion headache!

Hey, man, what's the score?

Chump! I'm talking to you.

What, you deaf?

I'm talking to the fucking air.

My name ain't chump. It's Billy Hoyle.

Billy Hoyle?

Billy Hoyle.

OK, Billy, can you count to 10, Billy?

Yeah.

Good.

What's the score, Billy?

I don't know.

Then you're a chump.

I may be a chump, but it's not my name.

He put your ass in!

Fuck you.

Let's go!

8-8, your ball.

9-8, your ball.

I don't want no excuses.

I called it even.

You better call a doctor!

It's your ball!

Sidney!

Your woman calling you, man.

Sidney!

Your woman calling you, man.

At least I got one.

I seen your mother kicking a can down the street.

I said, "What you doin'?" She said, "Movin'."

Your mama's so old, she drove chariots to school.

Your mama's so fat, she broke her leg and gravy poured out.

Hey, baby.

Hi, honey.

The check for the groceries didn't clear, and I didn't have any cash.

Sorry. 20 will do?

Mm-hmm, but 30 would be better.

You hustling me?

You're the only one that gets away with that.

I got things working over here.

Yo, man, I got to go.

Daddy's got to go back to work, man.

Bye.

I told your mama to act her age, and the bitch dropped dead.

Your mother got a leather wig with gray sideburns.

Save your breath, man.

You need all the energy you can get.

Let's go.

I can't run, man.

What?

My bunions hurt.

Get somebody to step in for me.

That's all right. You're still my hero.

That's it, baby.

Can anybody stand in for Mr. Handicap here, for Mr. Motherfucking March of Dimes?

Hey, look. Take Billy Ho here.

No, man. I don't want him.

He might be good.

I don't want to go with it. No.

Why not?

'Cause I'm white.

No difference.

You could bring Bernard King in.

We hittin' two, and we out.

Swish! Swish! Let's go, Billy Ho!

Ha ha ha!

Let's go!

Ain't no need for none of that Jane Fonda geriatric bullshit.

Just act like you can play.

Two quick ones, bam, bam... it's over.

See ya! Wouldn't want to be ya!

You got a new teammate.

Kiss your game goodbye!

Maybe I should do that shit, too.

You loose?

Come on out here, baby.

I got it!

Get out of here!

Billy, I'm gonna tell you what...

Where you at, Billy?

I'm gonna tell you which way I'm going.

Aahh!

Where are you going with that?

I got you. I'm right here.

This is my court!

Oh!

Yo! Look out! Look out!

Whoo! Yay, Billy!

Yes, baby!

Luck.

Pure luck.

I believe the score is 9-8, ours.

Take it out.

Ball in.

OK, chump.

The sun even shines on a dog's ass some days.

Anybody can win the lottery. Know what I'm saying?

Give it up. Give it up.

You want it back now?

Whoa!

Yeah, get out of the way, sucker!

Right on, man!

It's over now, baby.

Fuck you. Your mother's an astronaut.

My mother's too drunk to be an astronaut.

You remind me of one of them dudes from The Brady Bunch.

He looks like the girl... Cindy.

Yeah! That's the one!

The youngest one in curls.

Why you laughing, man?

Callin' me Brady Bunch and shit!

This motherfucker's too stupid to even realize he's being insulted.

Sidney, get off the court. You lost, brother.

You might pull a couple of passes out your ass, but that don't mean you know how to play this game.

Oh, hey, you're right, Sidney.

I mean, you ain't seen me shoot.

What's it worth to you to find out?

What do we got?

50, 55, $62.

I do detect the smell of cash.

I'm gonna find out how good you are, chump.

Chump?

I just have to figure out how I'm going to pull the ball out your ass when I take your money.

That is his money. That's his money.

20, 40, 41...

You're short.

Big Junior.

Come here, man. Loan me a 20.

Do I look like Bank of America?

You think I'm gonna lose this money to this white boy here?

You better not lose my money.

Give me my motherfucking $20.

We're gonna eat at Sizzler?

Damn right! Surf and turf.

And that is his money.

Let's go, baby. Best out of five... top of the key.

Since you're the foreigner, you can go first.

Oh, no, thank you. You go ahead, man.

No, no. See, this is my house.

This is Sidney Deane's house.

I extend my hospitality to you.

That is very gracious, Sidney Deane, but I won't take advantage of you in your house.

OK, but you might not get another shot.

All right, if you insist.

That's what I thought.

This is outdoor ball.

It's different than your country club shit.

When you shoot, you adjust for the wind.

Out at the beach, the wind can push the ball 6 to 8 inches.

You wouldn't know about that.

Ha ha ha!

What, you want me to move?

I'm sorry.

It's your shot. Go ahead.

I got to tell you, this isn't my spot.

I'll be lucky to hit 2 out of 5.

I'm going to shoot it anyway.

Use 'em and abuse 'em.

Whoo! Whoo!

Oh, man! Right off the bat.

I am feeling lucky.

Yes, indeed, he wants to get paid.

Show him how to put it in there.

Whoo! Ooh! Ooh!

Ooh, it's pretty, it's so pretty.

Ha ha ha!

We goin' Sizzler we goin' Sizzler...

Ah!

We goin' Sizzler I never hit two in a row.

Ooh!

I'm very lucky.

Yep, feelin' very lucky.

Ugly shot, ugly shot...

Look like a goddamn brick.

No aesthetic beauty whatsoever.

Now, mine, on the contrary...

Whoo! Yeah!

Bbb bbb bbb!

It hurts being this good!

"A thing of beauty is a joy forever..."

My man John Keats said that.

I never hit three in a row.

I'll tell you that.

I can look at you.

Oh! Oh!

Oh!

Color me lucky.

Sometimes you wake up, the birds are singing, and...

That's a decent shot. Excellent.

You are the greatest, Sidney.

Thank you.

But I'm feeling lucky.

Oh!

Four in a row...

This is like the luck of the Irish, only I'm not Irish.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Come on, now.

I got this under control.

Hey, you know something?

Michael Jordan came here one time.

Took him to the hole, baby.

Air Michael Jordan!

I saw the whole thing.

Michael said, "You should play summer pro league."

I said, "No..."

Hell, no!

"Shit might mess up my game."

We can't have it, Billy Ho.

Shoot it. We'll go to Sizzler.

Whoo! Whoo!

I'll just leave it up there.

Give me some, give me some.

Oh! Oh, shit.

Ho ho ho ho ho!

It's hard goddamn work being this good.

Shut the fuck up.

Rabbit ears, am I starting to get to you?

You're just making my eardrums hurt.

The thing is, you guys look at me, you see the backwards hat, and you say, "This guy's a chump."

A fucking geek.

What you don't realize is that it ain't easy.

It is "hard goddamn work" making something this pretty look like a chump.

I must be doing it for a reason.

You got me convinced.

I miss this shot, I walk away, still a chump.

Go ahead and walk away, you...

You miss, and you've been beat... well, not once but twice, by a slow, white, geeky chump.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Ain't no thing. Ain't no thing.

No thing but a chicken wing on a string.

From Burger King.

I noticed that wind was kicking up a bit.

You might want to adjust about...

6, 8 inches to the left.

This is the big one.

Don't worry, Sidney, I've hustled a hell of a lot better players than you before.

Don't put up no brick.

Stop yapping, and let brother shoot.

Yeah, I got it.

It's in the wrist.

Ha ha.

Oh, sweet.

Shit!

Brick.

Hey, man, give me my money!

It's a money thing, brother.

There's a man with integrity.

Don't push your luck.

Nothing to do with luck.

You said we was going to Sizzler!

Shut your anorexic, tapeworm-having, overdosed Dick Gregory Bahamian-diet-drinking ass up!

Leave me alone.

Oww! I feel good I knew that I would, now Oww, I feel good I knew that I would, now So good, so good I got you Oww! I feel nice Like sugar and spice I feel nice Like sugar and spice So nice, so nice

'Cause I got you Honey...

I'm home.

How much money did you make today?

I missed you, too.

Oh, I'm sorry, honey.

$62, minus $5. 16 for hummus, tabouli, garden burger, all that stuff you love... pita bread.

I told you, I don't eat that health food shit.

You'll eat it and love it.

OK, since you got me money.

Let's see, that makes...

58.84, which gives us $806 towards the 8,000.

We still owe the Stucci brothers $7, 194.

We don't give them a dime.

They're holding you up.

How often do we have to go through this?

There are certain things that just are the way they are.

Nothing will get rid of the Stucci brothers except $7,000.

What's the deal with this?

Come on, lookit.

I've been studying disasters all day, and assassinations.

Come on, come on, try me.

All right.

Ahh. Leon Czolgosz...

Who killed President McKinley?

You're unbelievable.

I know it. I know it.

Jeopardy! Will call today.

Don't count on it, and you won't be disappointed.

The last words of Lee Harvey Oswald...

"It wasn't me, it was the C. I... uuh!"

Get it? The...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I got it, I got it.

Honey, honey.

How much do you love me?

I love you infinity.

That's not enough.

Infinity's the biggest number there is.

It's not.

What's bigger?

Infinity plus two.

I love you infinity plus two.

Billy, you're so stupid!

You should have said infinity plus infinity.

I love you Infinity plus infinity.

There's a bigger number than that.

I give up.

You haven't kissed me yet.

No! Take a shower. You stink.

Go ahead! You stink!

All right.

Wait right there. Don't move.

Hold that thought.

I'll come back and put my mouth where this money is.

Ha ha ha!

[Singing In Spanish]

[Knock On Door]

Billy!

Somebody's at the door.

Billy!

Billy, somebody's at the door.

Someone's at the door! Come on!

Stay calm. Stay calm.

Hurry up! Hurry up!

Honey, I love you, but I ain't gettin' shot over your debt.

Our debt.

Whoever's fucking debt, I ain't gettin' shot!

Count to 30, and jump out the window.

Meet me on Pico.

Honey, I love you.

I love you, too.

[Knock On Door]

Who is it?

It's the manager.

What do you want?

I got a message.

Brady Bunch!

1,010... 1,011...

1,012... 1,013...

Did somebody invite you in?

Yo, I just want to talk.

1,029... 30.

How'd you find me?

No one has ever worked me like you did.

I beat your ass fair and square.

Don't cry about it.

I'm not here to cry about it.

I'm here on business.

30 seconds. I almost took off.

Sorry.

Who's this?

Sidney Deane.

So?

Your boyfriend took some money...

I happened to notice this bottle...

Take that, I'll shoot your ass.

What's up? Baby, you need to chill.

Excuse me?

Holy cow.

You comfortable?

A futon is actually better for your back.

So, Billy, where'd you play?

Some college in Louisiana.

Things didn't work out.

You been hustling ever since, huh?

Nobody knows me here. I'll work the courts.

I have a business proposal.

It could mean more cash than this chump change.

What is it?

There's a two-on-two tournament next week, sponsored by businesses.

You want me to run with you?

Yep. In the meantime, we could make some change, if you don't mind hustling.

What kind of hustle?

Heh heh.

Ball up.

You ain't got shit.

You ain't funny. I'll kill you.

You got me by what, 7,000 pounds, man?

Watch the pick.

Look up, look up!

Goddamn!

Way to go!

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

I tell you, it's hard work making you look bad.

Who the fuck told you to talk, motherfucker?

You score on me, talk.

Shut me down, you can talk.

Eat shit, shut up.

You took me. Why?

I let you take me to the hole.

I take you anywhere, have you for breakfast.

Put up some jack.

Who rattled your cage, dickhead?

You talkin' a whole lot of yang.

I'll pick any player here, even the worst player here, for $500.

Excuse me?

Scu... scu... scuse me?

I'll let you pick my teammate.

Motherfucker ain't serious, man.

I don't believe this shit, man.

Anybody. Anybody you want.

$500, baby, and you can pick anybody out here.

Anybody. Anybody.

I don't believe this.

Yo, Raymond, look at the chump, man.

Give him the chump.

No, no, no.

Hell, no. No, no.

You give me a brother.

You got him, the goofy-looking guy.

Me?

Yeah, you.

I'm fucked.

Hey, chump, you want to run?

You mean play basketball?

No. We mean ice hockey.

Get your tired butt up here, Gretzky.

Where's your money?

I'll get it.

I got my $500. Where's yours?

I said I'll get it.

I'm going to the glove compartment.

Go, and bring your Sasquatch butt on back here.

I got a hot hand.

I got your back, Raymond.

What's this?

What the hell is this world coming to?

Look at this. I ain't got nothing to worry about, except Cathy Rigby over here.

Yo, man, where is his car, man?

Is he ever going to come on back?

Hey, give me your money!

Raymond, that you?

[Falsetto] No. This ain't Raymond.

Take off that mask and put down that gun.

Shit.

What you trying to do?

I got me some chumps on the line.

Loan me some money.

Get the fuck out.

All right.

Look, man, you need a gun.

There are some crazy motherfuckers walking around this neighborhood, a lot crazier than me.

Give me $300 for it.

200.

Come on, man. 275.

250.

All right.

Now you robbing me.

Jump for it...

You got busted right there, man.

You think you can win with him?

Here we go. Here we go.

I got $250, man. Come on.

I said 500, no-count motherfucker.

250, take it or leave it.

He just got out of jail.

He ain't goin' nowhere with the money.

Let's do this.

I'll dog you.

I can make you look bad.

Your mouth got you in trouble.

If I was you, I'd stab myself in the heart.

Come on. Yeah, get up.

Move right.

Come on, come on.

That man is a chump...

Sucker.

Yeah! Yeah! Whoo!

Oh, lovely, lovely.

What did you say your name is?

Billy Ho.

Nice to meet you.

Do it.

Let's go.

You're slow on your feet, man.

Weight slows me down.

Come on.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Tim Hardaway, my ass.

Get over there!

Shoot! Shoot!

Stay on him!

Man, he traveled!

Shit!

Point game.

That means one more point, we win this.

I understand.

You going to teach class or play?

I'm taking you right to the clinic.

Class is in session again.

Check.

Check this.

Too stupid to catch it.

Yeah?

Look out, look out!

I'll make you eat that.

Here we go, baby.

You better stay off, baby.

Where you at?

Where you at, sucker?

Shit!

Aha!

Give me my money!

What you doin'?

Hard goddamn work!

Aw, come here, baby.

You played a good game.

These motherfuckers set us up.

Hey, man!

Hard goddamn work!

Raymond! Raymond!

Motherfucker!

Raymond!

You ain't gonna cut me.

You set me up!

Look, look, look! Raymond!

I seen you hustle!

I never used no goofy white motherfucker.

Who you calling goofy white motherfucker?

You!

That's cool. That's cool.

Wait a minute! This is ridiculous, man!

Look, Raymond, we are brothers, man.

I've never seen this white boy before in my life.

Sidney, you're negotiating with a guy with a blade?

You got a wife and kid!

You know my name?

He's talking about your family.

What?

Wait a minute!

You talking about my wife and kid and don't know me?

Raymond, cut this motherfucker.

Yo, say what?

Cut that motherfucker right there.

No, no. Fuck this.

Both you motherfuckers are crazy.

I'm going to my car... get my other gun, shoot everybody's ass.

I'm outta here.

[Woman] Raymond! Raymond!

Raymond!

Aw, shit, man!

Y'all better haul ass!

Raymond!

Shit. Come on!

Come on! Come on!

Come on! Come on!

Go! Go! Go!

Whoo hoo! Hoo!

Ooh! Took Raymond to the hole, baby!

Boo yaa!

Whoo!

You know, nobody's done that around here since... the King and Duck Johnson.

King and Duck!

King and the Duck!

[Purple Haze Playing]

Hey... what is this?

Jimi Hendrix.

I know. Why are you playing Jimi?

Because I like to listen to him.

That's the problem. Y'all listen.

What am I supposed to do, eat it?

No. You're supposed to hear it.

I said I like to listen to him.

There's a difference between hearing and listening.

White people can't hear Jimi. You listen.

What are you talking about? His drummer was white.

Ah ho ho ho!

Get out! Jimi Hendrix' drummer was not white.

Yes, he did. Check it out.

See?

This is a picture!

Whole band is white except for Jimi!

This is a picture!

Airbrushed! Jimi didn't have a white rhythm section.

You cannot hear Jimi!

All right. Fine.

All right. Thank you.

Check this out.

He said I'll love you Till I die...

Who is this?

The greatest troubadour of all time is who it is.

Troubadour? Sounds like a dog.

That's a Labrador, man.

Don't insult this music.

Take this out.

You're listening, not hearing it.

I don't want to listen or hear this.

This is pollution to my ears.

Explain to this Gladys Knight and the Pimps...

It's Gladys Knight and the Pips!

Put Jimi back in. I don't like this.

You're supposed to defend me.

Who you yelling at?

Get rid of that gum!

I'm tired of hearing it pop!

He still loved her through it all Tell this bubblehead to go right here.

Guy could get shot playing this shit south of the Coliseum.

Let me off at the Trump Towers.

Penthouse is in the back.

Kept some letters by his bed...

Vista View.

The flyest view in the jungle.

Home sweet home.

You know it, baby.

That was a good run today.

Good run.

Some of that money you made, you could take this car to the car wash.

This is one classic automobile.

You got a fine woman.

Keep your hands off her.

I said she was fine.

I didn't say I was going to touch her.

Touch her, I'll kick your ass.

You hear me?

Ho ho. Ho ho ho!

Looky, looky, looky.

It's all starting to come clear, isn't it?

Good.

You're a cool customer on the court, real chill out on the street, can't be rattled in your game.

You don't even fall for that nigger shit.

But when it comes to your woman, that's a different matter altogether.

Look at you.

I ain't talked trash or pushed up on the sister, and you already thinking about it.

Shut the fuck up.

But this is good.

This is really good shit to know.

I know your weakness.

You like all the white boys I ever met.

You're like every brother I ever saw.

You'd rather look good and lose than look bad and win.

You don't know shit about me.

I know plenty about you, Sidney.

How many dinners this chain set your family back?

Just go home, get some rest.

OK, Brady Bunch?

I ain't tired.

Bye, Gloria.

Oh, goodbye.

It was nice seeing you again.

Oh, same here.

I like these rings. They kind of fly.

Thank you!

Take care.

Yo, Billy, tomorrow we goin' to 103rd street.

We goin' to hustle out there. That's Watts.

Tough games out there. Big bucks.

Mm-hmm.

Don't take it personally, baby.

We teammates.

Ebony and ivory.

Ha ha ha!

Hey, I got your partner.

Oh, right. Fuck me.

Better get your ass across La Brea before sundown.

No problem.

The guy's full of shit.

Here.

[Ray Charles Singing] Well, I say love Whoa, love Would somebody explain to me why this Negro is singing cowboy music?

You know this is my favorite song.

It makes me think about making love to you.

It makes me want to lock you in a room and make love to you over and over and over and over.

I didn't say I didn't like it.

Yeah?

This can't be safe.

You know, I believe in safe sex, honey.

For you to hurt me...

I want to take a shower.

Honey, no! No!

No, honey! Stop!

I want you to know That I was blind, but now I see

I say, I once was blind But now I see Well, you know, I once Was blind

But now I see That that old love has made a fool of me Honey?

My mouth is dry.

Honey, I'm thirsty.

Umm...

[Water Runs]

There you go, honey.

When I said I was thirsty, it doesn't mean I want a glass of water.

It doesn't?

You're missing the whole point of me saying I'm thirsty.

If I have a problem, you're not supposed to solve it.

Men always make the mistake of thinking they can solve a woman's problem.

It makes them feel omnipotent.

Omnipotent?

Did you have a bad dream?

It's a way of controlling a woman.

Bringing them a glass of water?

Yes.

I read it in a magazine.

See, if I'm thirsty, I don't want a glass of water.

I want you to sympathize.

I want you to say, "Gloria, I, too, know what it feels like to be thirsty.

"I, too, have had a dry mouth."

I want you to connect with me through sharing and understanding the concept of dry mouthedness.

This is all in the same magazine?

You're into control.

Shut up.

See?

You make me sick.

Don't give me the rollover.

When I say I'm thirsty, it means if anybody has a glass of water, I'd love a sip.

When I say I want to make love, it means, let's screw.

Exactly the kind of thing I thought you'd say!

I don't like the word "screw," OK?

I prefer "make love" or "fuck."

Screwing is for carpenters.

Oh, you're going to get it.

Oh, honey.

Ohh!

Where you going?

Anywhere... to get the hell away from you.

Psycho, chiquita nut case.

Oh, come back! I want to make love!

Honey, come back! I want to screw!

Ah. Forget you, then.

Piece of shit.

Asshole.

Look! There he is.

Honey!

The Stuccis!

The Stuccis?

Oh!

Honey, hurry!

How did they find us?

The money!

All right! All right!

I got the money! I got the money!

OK, OK.

If you wanna try the front door That's a door I've never seen

[Gloria] Go, honey! Come on!

I'm coming, honey!

Go! Come on! Go! Go! Go!

Slow up! Slow up!

Wait for me! Wait for me!

How come you're moving so slow?

I'm carrying everything.

You want me to carry you, too?

Oh, shit!

Come on!

Come on, honey!

We'd shoot you, Billy, But first we want the money!

We've got your number now, Billy.

Get in my limo, baby Gonna take you for a ride And I tell you I'm a rich man Then you tell me that I lie Hurry up!

Go! Go! Go!

[Kids Singing] Blueberry Tonga Sherry Evie lvy over Mama's in the kitchen cookin' rock Daddy's outside shooting duck Baby in the cradle fast asleep And here comes sister with the hlt...

This is a great house, great house.

But the number's a little steep right now.

Sidney, we got to talk.

Excuse me.

Jack be quick Jack jump over the candlestick Baby, I want this house.

Baby, I know. I want the house, too, but it's expensive.

They want first, last, damages.

I'll get a job.

No, no, baby. I got lots of jobs...

The cable thing, the roof thing, the paint thing.

Construction is a little slow, but basketball is putting food on the table.

Basketball isn't a real job.

I got to go.

I'm working on this new shot.

I'm sure it's a gorgeous shot, but I still want this house.

OK?

OK.

OK?

213 Gotta give 'em what they need Area code

213 Oh, yeah Area code

Pass the ball!

Foul! Foul!

No! All ball! No foul!

No. Your hand is part of the ball.

The wrist is a part of the hand.

Knee bone's connected to the dick bone.

You fouled Robert.

You didn't see the play!

You couldn't carry my jockstrap in a suitcase.

I thought this was Watts.

Thought you had some ballplayers here.

This ain't jack shit!

I'm tired of looking at you.

Your mother threw you out at an early age.

Talking about your mama.

Nobody talks about my mother.

Don't ever talk about my mama.

Me and any guy here will take you.

How much you want to roll?

Oh, my God!

Oh! What is this?

Oh! Look at this! It's $1,000!

There could be more. Hold on.

Hold on a second.

Did you rob a 7-Eleven?

11, 12, 13.

Is there some more?

14, 15, honey.

Your rent money?

16!

Ooh!

It's coming from everywhere.

17! $1,700, baby.

We get to pick your partner.

Pick any of these stiffs here.

Anybody. $1,700.

Don't talk about my mother.

How about right here?

No, no, no, no.

I want that guy.

The white boy getting off the train?

That scraggly-looking one.

Ha ha ha ha!

No, no, no, no. Fuck that.

Wait a minute.

I got 800. Just cashed my rent check.

I got 50 bucks.

Come up with 1,700, or take a walk.

Play us for what we got.

Play a tune on your bald head.

Hold on.

Sweetheart, how you doing?

What's up?

You look so good.

What's up, baby?

I need the diamond.

I told you he was no good.

You gave me this for Christmas.

I'll give you two.

We'll go to Zales after this.

Do you listen to me? No.

He's a dog! D-O-G!

This ain't no diamond! This is a zircon!

I'll tell you what.

This shit here is worth 300 bills, right?

I'll put my 1,700 against your 1, 150.

That's a bet!

I'll hold the money.

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Wait! Wait! Wait!

I'll hold it. I ain't going nowhere.

He ain't going nowhere. The bakery ain't open yet.

We play to 10 by 1 s. You make it, you take it.

Hey! Hey! Hey! Martha Graham!

Martha Graham, can you play?

Can you come out and play?

Do you think you can play?

Can you come out and play?

Do you think you can play?

I got it!

Call out the screen!

Nice pick, man.

Damn! Switch, man!

Switch, my ass!

OK. Right here.

Do it here!

I got it!

Can you come out and play?

Do you think you can play?

Whoo! Yes!

Yes!

Go back to Sea World, motherfucker.

You let him back door you like that?

I thought he was going to pass the ball.

"D" up, man.

You don't know what "D" is.

[Sidney] No, shit, Curly.

You fucking Globetrotter. Come on.

Come on! Come on!

Come on, man!

Can you come out and play?

Hey, hey Do you think you can play?

Can you come out and play?

Were you going to shoot?

He was on my ass.

You were wide-open.

$1,700 is on the line.

I'm not forcing the shot.

Do you think you can play?

Can you come out and play?

Yes, baby!

Why are you kicking out to me?

Take the shot.

I'm sorry, man.

You OK?

Yeah.

9-8, us, point game! Check the ball.

One more bucket, me and Zeke split $1,700.

No.

You tried to hustle. Still wasn't good enough.

Are we going to chitchat or play?

Get the fuck out!

Take me to the hole, then.

Let's go!

I practice on people like you.

Practice playing this game.

Ball! Ball! Ball! Ball!

I'm going to take your money, then your girl.

Take your old girl.

You're holding me!

I ain't holding you!

That's all you're doing.

Hey! Get this jump!

Oh!

Yes!

Both of y'all go back to Sea World!

1,700! 1,700!

Hey!

Goddamn!

Give me my money.

It was so nice just to hold it.

I am dead. I am dead.

Oh, man. I'm sorry, man.

I thought I had it.

I'm dog meat. She'll dump me now.

I feel terrible. I had a lousy game.

Shit! We're better than those guys!

I've beat guys 10 times better than that!

I know. It's my fault.

It's nobody's fault.

Sometimes the ball doesn't go down.

Look, man. You want a ride?

I'm taking the rail.

I got to figure out how I'm going to tell Gloria I lost everything we had again, then figure out where I'm going to sleep tonight.

Hey, Billy, I'm sorry, man.

I mean that! I'm sorry!


39 is the answer.

What is the question?

How many books are in the Old Testament?

I am so fuckin' good.

Did Jeopardy! Call yet?

Not yet, but I'll need a nice dress.

When they call, you got to be ready.

You want to hear the books of the Old Testament backwards?

It's Malachi, Zechariah, Haggai...

Honey, please.

I did famous women and foods that start with "Q."

You couldn't imagine how many foods there are that actually start with "Q."

Honey, will you please shut up?

What's wrong with you?

I lost the money.

Oh, Jesus, Billy!

Not again!

How much?

A lot of it.

Most of it.

Roughly... all of it.

Billy, you lost all our fuckin' money?

Shit, Billy!

Jesus, man!

$1,700!

Billy!

We were on our way to 8,000!

Were your opponents that good?

I beat better guys in Jersey.

You weren't hitting your jump shots?

I was hitting mine.

What about Sidney?

He had an off day.

He wasn't shooting much.

This guy scored on him.

He wasn't D-ing up.

He usually plays good "D."

You got hustled.

I did not get hustled.

You got set up. You got hustled by Sidney!

No. He's a good guy.

You said he's full of shit!

And he's a good guy!

You're full of shit.

And fuck that shit!

I'm going back to that house and getting my money back.

No, no, no, honey.

A man cannot ask for his money back.

He lives in the jungle, right?

No, honey, we can't.

They don't let white people in the Crenshaw District.

I don't know about Puerto Ricans, but it's a reverse discrimination thing.

We dropped off Sidney on the corner of Crenshaw and Washington.

Honey, you don't understand.

Men understand how these things work.

Wasn't there an apartment house there?

Let me explain.

Men's rules are very simple.

If you win, you win. If you lose, you lose.

You don't ask for the money back.

Why not?

It's not part of the rules.

Yeah? I got a different set of rules.

Want to hear them?

Sometimes when you win, you really lose.

Sometimes when you lose, you really win.

Sometimes when you win or lose, you actually tie.

Sometimes when you tie, you actually win or lose.

I hate it when you talk like that.

It makes me crazy when you talk like that.

Winning and losing is one big organic globule from which one extracts what one needs.

I'm fucked.

Forget it. I ain't... no, no.

I'm not getting off this bus.

No, stop!

Can we discuss it?

Can we have a discussion here?

[Doorbell Rings]

Yes?

Does Sidney Deane live here?

He does.

He's my husband.

Yeah, well, your husband stole $1,700 from my boyfriend.

Really?

Just a minute.

Sidney?

Yeah, baby?

Some people out here say you stole their money.

Oh, shit.

No, baby. I didn't steal his money.

I hustled his money.

Yo! Cindy Brady!

That girl is fine!

Cindy Brady, what happened?

[Sidney] What do you want?

Who invited you in my house?

I did. I want to talk to...

Gloria.

[Sidney] That man hustled me long before I ever hustled him.

I saw the whole thing.

What goes around comes around.

Then you won't mind if Gloria and I talk.

You want something to drink?

Please.

This boy got a lot of guts.

Billy Ho! Good to see you, Billy!

You look swell!

You fucked me, man.

Get out in front of the TV.

You fucked me!

We had a partnership!

We were never partners.

Look, it goes like this.

You either smoke, or you get smoked.

And you got smoked! Ha ha!

Clean as my gun.

Yes, it was.

Smooth.

A thing of beauty is a joy forever.

Sidney, get this guy to shut the fuck up!

I'll go the way you like...

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I want my money.

You not getting the money back.

You giving me my money back.

I'm not giving you nothin'.

Billy and Sidney were teammates.

Teammates can't hustle each other.

Oh, really? Why not?

It's not artistic!

I don't care about art, OK?

All I care about is getting out of the Vista View apartment building!

There ain't no vista, no views, or no vista of views.

You want cream, sugar, or what?

Cream.

I trusted you. There are rules to hustling.

There's an ethics involved.

That you wouldn't know anything about.

I never shook anyone's hand and stabbed him in the back.

The Indians shook hands with the Pilgrims, and look who got fucked.

Who you calling Pilgrim?

You, motherfucking Christopher Columbus.

Gobble this, turkey.

I got a gun in my hand!

What the fuck's wrong with you?

Shoot this motherfucker!

Hold it!

It's up!

Quick!

Aw, man! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

[Billy] Pop it, James! Yeah!

Good play.

That's a black man. That's a black man.

Throughout our glorious life together, I bought a car from the Stuccis for 3 grand.

It was shit. I didn't want to pay.

They told Billy unless he got their money back, they would cut me up.

He had to get the money back.

The Stuccis decided to fix a basketball game.

Billy agreed, but halfway through, he got pissed off and didn't throw it.

The Stuccis lost a bundle.

Wake up, girlfriend. It's your boyfriend.

He's got some problems.

He's just bad with money.

The Stuccis are still after us.

It's a sad story. I'm sorry.

But I'm not giving you the money.

I might, however, be willing to discuss other arrangements.

Hey, there's Cadee.

That ain't Cadee.

Oh, that's Eddie.

All right, listen up.

We have a solution.

Tell them to move.

They're black women. You think I'm crazy?

Here's the scenario.

Rhonda's going to give me some of the money back.

We figured out a way to get the rest.

You guys need to kiss, make up, and play in that tournament.

Hell, no.

I ain't playing with that son of a bitch.

I don't hustle with people who are dishonest.

That's something I cannot do.

That's not fair.

Farrakhan disciple son of a bitch.

No, I ain't doing it.

The stars belong to everyone Everyone They gleam there for you and me The flowers in spring The robins that sing The sunbeams that shine They're yours, they're mine...

Welcome to the first annual Two-On-Two For Brotherhood Basketball Tournament, also known as the TTBBT, sponsored by a coalition of American corporations in the spirit of promoting brotherhood among us all.

That's bullshit.

And now, let the games begin!

[Blows Whistle]

Hey, wait!

Oh, look at that.

Why can't you check somebody, mushroom head?

You fat mustard and butter sandwich.

What you talking about?

We ain't got to worry about them.

They spend too much time arguing with each other about their mothers, and both their mothers are ugly.

All right, all right.

Yeah, sack it.

Yeah, that's two...

One for you. One for you.

Work-release program or something.

Motherfucker was just on parole, man.

These two we definitely have to worry about.

This is Flight. That's Willie. They can play.

They'll be in the finals against us.

Oh!

Shit, that's just too easy!

No, that shit is too easy!

It's too easy!

No, that shit is too easy!

Fuck it.

I don't want to play no more.

We won't play no more.

Hey, chump.

Yeah, you, tater head.

You know who I'm talking about.

If that's your best game, grab that free T-shirt and head home.

What the hell are you doing?

Did you bring Mighty Mouse?

You're too pretty to play basketball.

You got that big "Z" in your fro, man.

Are you the black Zorro?

That's enough.

You get your haircut at the Braille institute?

What's Opie Taylor talking about?

Opie Taylor?

I got your Opie, you big, bad, Gomer Pyle, droopy-eyed son of a bitch.

Take your ass back to Mayberry.

Tell Aunt Bee to have my bean pies, or I'll kick her ass.

Hey, Lurch and Morticia.

What the fuck are you doing?

I'm doing two things.

I'm making them mad. They won't play good.

You're embarrassing me.

That's the other thing I'm doing.

You're not embarrassing me.

You're pissing me off.

Good. I assume you play better when you're mad.

Am I right?

I'm not listening.

But you are hearing me.

You're hearing me.

You still throwing up bricks?

What did I say?

You still throwing up bricks?

What is this, a mason's convention?

I need a welding torch to play in this league.

Let's stop and gather all these bricks.

Let's build a homeless shelter so maybe your mother has a place to live.

Fuck you!

Fuck that fucker!

And your sister, too.

I want your mother and your sister out of my house.

[Blows Whistle] Black ball.

What the fuck you talking about, black ball?

What are you, racist?

I'm talking about your jersey.

Here you go, sir.

How you feeling today?

Didn't I school you once before?

You going to give us a game?

Give us something, man.

Don't let him pull that move on you, Rastafari.

Don't let him pull that move.

That's the move!

Oh! That's the move!

I tried to warn you.

You call that defense?

You gonna give us a game?

Will we get a little competition?

I got better things to do with my Saturday.

There's this chicky babe from the fabulous four watching his big old ugly ass.

Bring it on, bad boy!

Oh!

But he ain't got shit!

He ain't got shit! He ain't got shit!

Ah! You suckers!

Bunch of suckers.

What a great no-look pass.

The mustard is off the hot dog.

My man ain't getting nothing tonight.

Lurch, I looked up basketball player in the dictionary, and it said "not you."

Be quiet!

Bring it on, bad boy!

Excuse me. I'm talking here.

Shut up.

Pretty boy, I'll be D-ing up on you if you make it to the finals.

Hey, I got some bean pie for you.

You ain't gonna see $5,000. You may see 5,000 beans.

Do you ever shut up?

What the fuck are you worried about?

I'm in the fucking zone.

It's one thing to embarrass me.

It's another motherfucking thing to piss these guys off that we have to play.

That's plain fucking stupid.

Listen to your teammate, bucket head.

You've gone past stupid into a new category.

It's called suicide, chump.

Call me chump. OK, bad boy.

What the fuck is up with you?

What are you worried about?

I'm in the zone.

They're pissed off. I'm in the zone.

This isn't about black and white.

This is about money, you got that?

Look, man, I need this 5 grand.

I won't let you blow this for me.

You pissed off?

No, I ain't pissed off.

You pissed off at me?

You want to get me in this fucking zone.

You ain't good enough.

Is that another brother thing, you fucking racist?

There's certain things you can't do.

I can hear Jimi!

You can't hear Jimi.

Fuck you!

Good, fuck me.

Say it with feeling.

Fuck you!

Fuck me! Fuck me!

Check, asshole.

Go, Lurch.

Check it, Casper.

You got shit for brains, dickhead.

Fuck you, faggot.

Let's go!

I got it Watch magic I got it, hey I got something that makes me OK

[Blows Whistle]

Stop them before we lose our sponsors.

[Whistle Blows]

You start fighting, neither of us will make money.

That bullshit passing you doing.

Come on, man.

I hope this doesn't get worse.

Now I got a move that tells me what to do Some kind of deal

Now I got a move that tells me what to do Sometimes I feel so nice

Why didn't you dunk it?

Give me the fucking ball, man.

Take the goddamn ball out.

I'm in love I love to do my thing

And I don't need no one else Brick!

You got the lane. Take a shot.

Give me a better pass. I have a better break.

It was a fucking great pass.

Tired of piggybacking you.

You piggybacking me?

Yeah.

Wham! Come on! Stuff it down

You ever been to flight school?

I'm going to the seventh floor and dropping you off at the fifth.

Stay on him!

Go Flight! Go Flight!

Thank you, thank you.

Big fucking deal.

Can you do it? Huh?

[Whistle Blows]

Yeah! Yeah!

What it's all about

He's setting illegal picks!

Check them up.

Cut, man.

In his ass. I got him.

I got the something Damn! Come on, man.

I got that thing We need this. Check him up.

I got soul

Goddamn, man. $5,000 on the line.

You let this motherfucker take the ball.

Opie pissing on you!

Oh, he's pissing on me now?

Why don't you guard somebody?

Game point, $5,000. Stop showing off.

I've been saving your ass the whole game.

Shut the fuck up, man.

Point game.

Mr. Deane and Mr. Hoyle.

And all around

Right on, people

Let it all hang out Cut! Cut!

Will you cut?

Call the cops. I got him!

Don't you boys know what it's all about?

Oh, shit!

Gimme, gimme

Gimme

Let's pay them and get out.

Oh, yes!

Whoo!

Yes, baby!

Damn!

You're supposed to help out!

Why you dish that shit off?

I thought you were going to dunk.

You're lucky we didn't cough up $5,000 on your hot dog shit.

Why didn't you dunk it?

Right in his face!

Shut the fuck up.

Yes, yes, it's wonderful when the spirit of competition brings out the best in all of us.

And now I'd like to award the checks to the second-place prize winners, the fine team of Dwight "The Flight" McGee and Willie Lewis, receiving checks for $1,000.

Yo, man, you said 1,500!

That's $2,000.

Oh, brotherhood, my ass!

You said 1,500!

Thank you, gentlemen.

I'll find you, motherfucker!

Buy yourself a dress!

And now, ladies and gentlemen, the grand prize for the first-place winners, the wonderful team of Sidney Deane and Billy Hoyle.

Hey, put it there.

I've never been able to get that exactly right.

You ain't, either, motherfucker.

And here is your check, and here is your check.

"Sidney Deane"... that look like me?

Now give them their trophies.

You're welcome.

What about the big trophy?

We keep the big trophy.

We won!

Give us the real trophy.

We keep that trophy, and we put your name on it.

Thank you, from the Coalition of American Corporations and the TTBBT.

[Rap Music Plays On Radio]

Whoo!

She's going to love my ass.

Damn!

You know something?

I can jam, man.

OK.

You keep telling everybody I can't stuff it.

I say that to get underneath your skin.

Just 'cause I don't do it in a game don't mean I can't.

OK, fine.

But you don't think I can stuff it.

Billy, I don't care if you can or if you can't.

Stop the fucking car.

What?

Stop the car. Pull it over.

Turn that shit down.

What is that shit?

It's good music. Don't call it shit.

I'll bet my half of the 5 grand against your half that I can stuff it.

Let me give you some advice.

Buy your girl a pretty dress in case she gets on that damn game show.

You're either stupid or dangerous.

You can't be stupid because stupid people know they can't piss me off.

So you must be dangerous.

To who?

To yourself. I'm taking you home.

I don't jam in a game because it's showboating for the sake of showboating, which you know about...

I look good playing.

Like a behind-the-back pass that's unnecessary.

Passing? You have a hard-enough time passing gas.

It goes back to what I said.

A white man wants to win first, look good second.

A black man wants to look good first, win second.

That's the most ridiculous philosophical bullshit I've ever heard.

Look, right over here.

There's a goal.

Get your money, let's go.

That's absolute garbage.

I'm tired of your shit.

Just put your money where your mouth is.

I just need three tries.

That's all you need? All right.

One of us is definitely not going home tonight.

Aah!

Man, you were almost there.

I was with you.

Damn. Come on, baby.

You can do this.

Youse a sucker, man.

Is this shit regulation?

This shit ain't regulation.

Get the fuck out of here. Regulation?

Move out the way.

I'll check it for you.

Move.

Yeah, yeah.

Just about right.

Let's go, baby.

I believe in you.

I know what the problem is. Come on.

Get out of the fucking way.

Yo, I'm trying to help.

It's a bet.

All right. It's your money.

Go.

Ah! Fuck me!

Mmm mmm mmm.

When I was looking at it before, I thought it was a little high myself, but after re-evaluating, I think it was an optical illusion, right?

I know the problem.

I can't let you go out like that.

Get the fuck off me, man.

I'll pump you up.

It's a bet, man. Stop fucking around.

Billy.

Shut up, man.

Billy.

Shut up.

Billy, listen.

What?

White men can't jump.

Shit!

Good luck with Gloria.

If I lose, if I win That sucker is stupid.

I walk away with both of the checks.

White boys can be stupid sometimes.

This game is getting very, very, very long Way to go, Billy.

Some you miss, and some you make Some you give, and some you take I guess I get it wrong

If I lose, if I tie I am the truth, and I'm a lie And I can't hear all the lyrics To my song Some you fix, and some you break Some you stand, some you shake I guess I'll get it wrong

In a world of loving Love exists Please tell me how or where

I would gladly pay the price If I knew which way to go Or if I ever despair If I do leave, I'll drown And I'm crying, and I'm alone And my heart is waiting Waiting for another goal Some you beg, and some you steal Some you fake, some you feel Oh, yes, I'm getting it wrong You called hours ago.

Sidney's already home.

Fucking pizza's all cold, and the wine is warm.

Present for you.

Oh, honey.

Oh, God.

What a shrew I am.

I'm sorry, honey.

Tell me about the tournament.

There was some decent players there.

Me and Sidney played OK.

OK? You guys must have been great.

Oh...

Oh, my, this is beautiful.

Gloria?

Gloria.

Yes?

Um... this is beautiful.

Thank you.

Honey...

I... Iost the money.

What?

I... Iost the money.

You want to run that by me one more time?

It, uh...

It...

It happened again.

It?

No! No, Billy!

What the fuck is it it it?

There is no it!

It is you!

You happened again!

Damn it, Billy!

The money was mine to keep us going till Jeopardy! Calls.

Honey, Jeopardy! Ain't going to call.

When are you going to fucking wake up?

Jeopardy! Is gonna call, Billy.

It's my destiny to triumph magnificently on that show.

I'll never do that wearing this stupid, hootchy-mama-looking dress, which was a poor excuse to cover up the fact that you fucked up again!

I'm gonna win, all right.

I'm gonna get on that motherfucking show, and I'm gonna win because I'm overwhelmed with more useless goddamn information than any human being on this fucking planet!

Who's James K. Polk?

How many moons are on Pluto?

What's a quince?

It's a food, Billy, that starts with the letter "Q."

And I got seven more!

I can't believe you lost the goddamn money!

Honey, where you going?

Honey?

Honey. Honey.

Honey, where you going?

You can't leave me.

What is a solar eclipse?

Who's Marcel Cerdan?

Where was the hamburger invented?

What are you doing?

Honey, you can't hitchhike.

This is L.A.

Go ahead!

Billy!

Go ahead. She's just crazy.

Go ahead!

Billy.

Ow! These people are perverts.

Billy!

What?

The carpet's on fire.

Oh, shit.

Don't move, honey.

Put your arm down.

Come on in here, honey.

Oh, shit!

Shit!

Don't you get in that truck!

Billy, you can run, but you can't hide.

The great Joe Louis said that.

You believe that?

Time to take a little ride.

I'm telling you, I lost the money.

I swear to God, there's no money.

Goddamn it, Billy.

The shave was working. It was beautiful.

Nobody would have known.

Why didn't you go through with the fix?

Guy said I couldn't score.

He called me a honky motherfucker.

You are a honky motherfucker.

But I can score.

We were the team, and you betrayed us.

Life is a bunch of bad trades.

One week.

Where's your hot tamale girlfriend?

Where is she? I liked her.

She left me.

Oh, Billy!

Show him the fucking pictures!

Get up. I'm going to show you something.

This is what happens to people who don't come through.

See these?

Look at the Polaroids! Look at this guy.

I swear to God, one week.

One week. That's all you get.

Maravich, my ass.

I got your pistol right here, Billy.

You got one week. Understand?

Oh, man.

Oh.

You're fakin' the funk Talkin' that gangster hoopla And probably a punk And I'm-a let you know That this week your ass can't cope With your offensive flow force Mean kick, sidekick, pack some nasty Got to get smoked like a joint They need to be rocked...

$5.00 an hour!

Hey, hey. Got to open the door, baby.

Cinco la hora.

Hey, Sidney.

¿Que pasa, Ruben?

¿Quiere trabajo?

No.

Por cinco a la hora.

No, no, no.

Para otra semana.

All right.

Sidney! You're late!

Sorry. I'll be right there.

¿ Como esta?

Sidney, I've been waiting for you.

I'm very sorry.

My wife and I want the Spanish tile with the mansard roof.

Mmm, how unusual.

Thank you.

But I don't want to get a city building permit.

OK. I can go through the city or around it.

I can eliminate the middleman or be the middleman.

I'm offering the full service... Roof, paint, plaster.

My wife and I have decided on number 88.

Thank you.

If you write a check to Sidney Deane...

That's D-E-A-N-E.

Sidney!

Dude.

$300 could get me started.

Sidney! Sidney.

Hey, man, how you doing?

I got to talk to you.

No. I'm doing business.

300.

It's really important, Sidney.

Thank you. My regards to your wife.

Tell her hi.

God bless you.

Goddamn it! What?

I'm desperate, man.

A man should never act desperate.

It's impractical.

And frankly, I find it rather ugly.

I'd rather look ugly and win than...

Shut the fuck up.

Sidney...

Gloria left me.

I'm sorry, man.

I don't know how, but I got to get her back.

Oh, brother.

You know, I got this grave human weakness, a tiny little spot in my soul, that actually likes you.

It's horrible to admit, but everybody has got a cross to bear, and you're my damn cross.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means I'll help you.

Yes!

Don't kiss me, man. I got no guarantees.

What are you going to do?

I got an idea, but you're going to owe me.

That's what I'm talking about!

You in my house. What's up with you?

Oh, what you want now?

Pete, I don't need no pick.

You ready? You ready?

You call that "D"? Where'd you go?

You call that "D"?

Where are you?

Yeah!

Whoo!

That's what I'm talking about.

This is my house!

So where you going?

Got a job, baby.

Robert, you're smooth.

Looking almost as good as me.

Ah!

Yo, Billy, why don't you get that money you won, buy some new clothes?

Robert, are they still making them TV game shows at the studio you work for?

All the game shows are done on my lot.

She's been trying to get on that lot.

Robert, can you get her on?

Nobody gets on my lot without a pass.

I'm a security guard, man.

Can you do it for me, as a favor?

Ball breaker break your balls?

She broke my heart.

Heart, balls... Details.

Give me one reason why I should do anything for this guy.

[Imitating Brando In The Godfather] I'll owe you.

He'll owe you.

OK.

Tell you what, I'll give you one shot from there.

You make it, I'll let your girlfriend in.

You miss, I get your car.

No problem.

Yo!

No, no, no, no.

Billy boy, this is Ghana.

You, my friend, are shooting for the Sudan.

Huh?

Ha ha ha!

Yeah.

And a hook shot.

And a hook shot!

Don't look at me.

It's their court. It's their rules.

You want me to punt it?

Can I use my right arm?

He can't make it.

Yes!

This is Jeopardy!

Now entering the studio are today's contestants.

An English teacher from Spokane, Washington, Dr. Leonard Allen.

A former disco queen originally from Brooklyn, New York, Gloria Clemente.

And our returning champion, a rocket scientist from Pasadena, California, Richard Andrews.

And now here is the host of Jeopardy!

Alex Trebek!

Thank you, Johnny Gilbert.

Hi, everyone. Welcome to our program.

I hope you've seen our last three shows.

Our champion performed brilliantly, averaging over $12,000 for each win.

If our newcomers Leonard and Gloria hope to replace him as champion, they have their work cut out for themselves.

Good luck to you all. Let's play.

In this round, there will be one daily double in one of these categories...

Medicine, superstition, natural disasters, books of the Bible, sports, and finally, foods that start with the letter "Q."

She knows seven foods that start with "Q."

The champion always starts.

Sports, please, for $100.

The first clue is...

Wilt the Stilt. Chamberlain.

Who is Babe Ruth?

No. That is wrong.

Babe Ruth?

She's not good at sports.

Correct. Pick again.

I'll change subjects to superstitions for $100.

Make a wish, and break this, a fowl's V-shaped clavicles.

What is a wishbone?

Sweet!

She's good.

Natural disasters for $100, please.

This volcano's eruption buried the city of Pompeii in 79 A.D.

What is Mount Soovius?

I need a ruling on that.

Yeah.

OK.

That's close enough.

Yeah. Yes!

Foods that start with the letter "Q."

A game bird related to a partridge.

What is a quail?

Man! She's into her shit now.

Foods that start with "Q" for $200.

A custard pie often made with cheese and bacon.

What is a quiche?

Yes.

Foods with "Q" for $300, please.

A large edible clam of the Atlantic coast.

What is a quahog?

Right.

Foods with "Q" for $400.

The answer there is...

The Daily Double.

Well, Gloria, you lead with $2, 100.

You're performing beautifully.

How much will you risk on your knowledge of foods that start with "Q"?

All of it.

Oh, my God.

The forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden.

What is a quince?

Yes.

Who knows what a quince is?

As we begin the Double Jeopardy! Round, Leonard, you get to make the first selection.

Popes for $200, please.

He was pope when America's first Catholic president was inaugurated.

Who was John XXlll?

Yes.

Popes for $400.

His reign was the shortest on record in... Gloria.

Who was John Paul I?

Ruling class for $800.

18th-century czar who...

Who is Peter the Great?

Who is the Emperor Constantine?

Who is King George?

She's in the zone.

Who was Victoriano Huerta?

You are right.

What is a toadstool?

What is chlorophyll?

Yes!

What are spores?

What is Australia?

What is the Outer Hebrides?

Yes!

Yeah!

Whoo!

[Pounding]

Gloria!

Billy, listen to me.

Even if Gloria takes you back, which would be a fucking miracle, don't blow it.

Listen to the woman carefully.

Women know shit.

Even if you don't know what she's talking about, just listen.

All right.

I'm sorry. She doesn't want to see you.

Gloria!

Hey! I said she doesn't want to see you.

Jesus!

It's locked.

Bitch.

It's OK. It's all right.

There's another door, man. You're on your own.

And remember, you owe me big.

All right, man.

All right?

Honey.

All right...

Don't say anything, all right?

Just listen for a second.

Ahem.

I will never bring you water When you're thirsting in our bed You know I Understand dry-mouthedness And I sympathize instead And if you take me back again I won't be such a slob

Let's screw.

I'd even trade my sneakers in For the part-time job, my Gloria My Gloria Gloria My, my Gloria Gloria I know that you're angry And you probably want me dead And I know screwing is for carpenters So let's make love instead And I know I'll get it wrong So forgive me in advance Gloria My Gloria Yeah Tell me the truth.

You didn't think that Jeopardy! Would call, did you?

I must confess, I didn't.

That's why you got to trust me more.

You're right, as usual.

I know.

I've been thinking about the future.

I really... Me, too.

The future is like a whole new concept.

I mean, it's like...

I got to confess that the summer pro league isn't knocking down my door.

There comes a time in every man's life when he has to get on with his life.

I want you to take 2,000 of my winnings.

OK?

I think that's a bad idea.

No, it's a good idea.

Go buy yourself some new clothes.

Not for me. I like you the way you are, but you got to look good on job interviews.

Job interviews?

Yeah.

I want you to aim high.

Well, I, I...

I want to aim high, but I'm just nervous about taking your money again.

I'm afraid I might do something stupid.

Take it.

I trust you.

[Police Radio Transmission]

They took everything.

I feel raped.

They took everything!

They wiped us out. They took everything!

They took my TV, the stereo, my baby's crib.

What kind of human being would steal a crib?

I've been trying to reach you.

They took everything.

Who?

Burglars. Who do you think?

Your TV, your stereo, everything.

And they trashed the place!

Oh, look at this here!

I'll be goddamned!

Baby, we'll get our stuff back.

You promised to get me out of here.

They took our $5,000.

Wiped us out.

I know somebody knows what happened.

You can't take that stuff and not see something.

You didn't have to trash the place!

Fuck me!

I'm sorry.

OK?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I lost it.

Baby, you don't have to apologize to me.

I want a job.

OK.

All right. You get a job.

Right now, I'll figure out how to get us out of this goddamn building.

All right?

If I can win 12,000 each week, right?

Times 5, plus 20 for the annual title, that'll give us...

80 grand.

We're rolling now.

I could take some acting classes, get on a soap, do a little television.

I'll be ready for the big screen in two years.

You're made for the big screen.

Billy!

It's Sidney.

Sidney.

Hey, Billy!

Billy.

Sidney.

I've been looking for you.

We got to talk, alone.

What's this, a macho dick thing?

Come on, now.

Can I watch?

Don't worry about me, babe.

Billy, you got some money?

A little. Why?

Eddie "The King" Faroo and Duck Johnson are back.

They're working courts downtown.

They're cleaning up.

The King and Duck? We can take them!

It costs 2,500 to get in.

I got 2 grand, man!

Good, good. Let's do this.

Hold it. Hold it. Hold it.

Hold on, man.

I just got back together with Gloria.

I don't know how she'll react.

This money could save my marriage.

With this score, I could move in a week.

I don't think she'll go for it.

Make her! Fuck that.

You owe me.

I know, man, but I...

All right. Enough man talk.

What's up?

Honey, you are so beautiful.

Sometimes I don't realize how lucky I am.

You know something, honey?

There is a big game downtown.

For money?

No! No, no.

Well, yeah. I mean, a little bit.

Billy! Are you serious?

You're thinking about playing with my money?

Your money? You gave it to me!

To get a job!

I promised Sidney, honey.

You promised me!

I promised you and him.

I owe you and him.

I'll give you the winnings.

I don't care about the money.

I don't want the money!

What do you want?

I want you, stupid!

We can take these guys. They're over the hill.

Look, Billy, you gamble my money, and we're through.

I promise this is the last time.

Do you think that I'm a fucking moron or something?

You take me for an idiot?

All right.

All right. I have a solution, OK?

I will guarantee victory.

I've never offered that before.

I will guarantee victory.

I... We...

We can guarantee victory. Huh?

Yeah.

I love you, Billy.

Goodbye.

Honey.

All right, honey.

All right. Listen, if you don't want to watch, we'll just meet up at the hotel later, and we'll party.

We'll celebrate.

We're on a roll, honey.

We're on a roll!

Show him that fly shit, Sidney.

Come on, Billy. You got him, Sidney.

He can dunk, baby.

You got him. I got Billy.

All right.

King, shut him out!

Come on, Duck!

You got some money?

Hell, yeah. I got $50.

You got me. I got Billy.


Pop! Pop! Pop!

Sweet!

Oh, yes!

Yeah!

Yes! Yes!


Sweet! Sweet! Sweet!

"D" up! "D" up!

Stay up. Stay up on him.

Watch the pick!

Watch the back door! Back door!

Yes! Come on.

Take it in.

Take it in, Sid! Yeah!

All right, man!


Play some defense, Billy!

Dig this I love the pearl Ow! Where's my girl?

Ow!

All the way, baby.

Yeah. Way to go.

Way to go, baby.

Damn!

Uh!

Fuck!

Get your hands up.

Come on, man!

Push it, Sidney. In, baby, in!

My man!

Ah! Ya-haa!

Yeah, yeah!

Yeah, Sidney!

All of it on the line.

14-13.

Point game. Point game.

Got to put the ball up, man.

You're gonna rock, aren't you?

Come on with it.

Hit him hard, man.

Hit him hard.

Stay with him. Stay with him.

You want to dance or play basketball, brother?

You going to dance or play ball, man?

Watch him down low.

I got him. I got him.

To the right!

Bringing it up. Watch him! Watch him!

Give it up, man.

Watch the pick.

Aaahh!

Hoo hoo!

Whoo!


Gloria.

Gloria?

Gloria!

Honey!

She's gone.

Oh, man!

Oh, man. Now, that's not right.

That's not right.

I didn't lose the money.

I doubled the money, and I still got it wrong.

How can that be?

She said some crazy shit.

She said sometimes when you win, you actually lose or tie, but when you tie, you actually win, or some shit.

You got to extract something from an organic globule.

Brother, I only have four words for you...

Listen to the woman.

What the hell does that mean?

I tried to listen.

You talked me out of it!

I presented an option, and you took it.

You should have listened to her, not me.

I should listen to you now?

Yeah. I'm giving you advice.

Who should I listen to?

You're a grown man. Figure that out yourself.

Oh, shit.

[Cocks Gun]

Ah!

The game is over, William.

Still hit the old jumper, huh, Billy boy?

Where's the cash?

[Camera Shutter Clicking]

OK, Frankie. That's enough.

That's good for you guys?

Yeah. We're all set.

We can finally show our face again at Tipitina's.

The Stucci brothers are back.

No hard feelings, huh, Billy boy?

No.

Billy, it's all about respect.

You understand?

Good.

I respect you guys.

See you later.

Yo, man, you all right?

Gloria is not coming back.

Yeah, I know.

You know, she's left me before, lots of times.

She'll get to the door, I'll talk fast, she'll come back.

Or she'll get out the door, be gone a couple of days, and I'll play her a song, and, you know, she'll come back.

This is it.

She's gone.

Maybe you two are better off without each other.

Yeah.

Tell me something, Sidney.

If I listen to the woman, do I have to agree with her, too?

You listen. That's a start.

I don't want to stress you out.

Hmm hmm Doo doo doo doo Mmm hmmm

I got to get a job.

Can you get me a job?

Have you got any references?

You.

You're going to be all right.

You're starting to hear the music.

I can hear Jimi now?

I didn't say that. You can't hear Jimi.

Jimi ain't music?

It is, but you can't hear Jimi.

Don't be dissin' Jimi.

You just learned that word.

How did you know you put that pass up high enough, I could slam it?

Even the sun shines on a dog's ass some days.

On a dog's ass? Want to play me?

Don't start.

Hitting one dunk don't mean you can play.

Putting a cat in an oven don't make it a biscuit.

Your mama is so stupid, it takes her 60...

It takes her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.

Stop hurting yourself.

Hey, man.

Smooth, baby.

You dropped a 20 on them?

Yeah. If I don't take care of my brothers, who will?

I'll bet you 20 on our game.

I'm not playing you.

No, no. You misunderstand.

How could you look ugly and still lose?

You calling me ugly?

Your mother did. I got a right to.

Can you come out and play?

Do you think you can hang with a real man?

Can you come out and play?

Do you think you can hang with the real thing?

You were dressed up that night Uh, uh You were turnin' men away Oh, baby Girl, you were so fine Ooh, I, I couldn't let you get away White Men White Men White Men White To the beat, y'all Men Sometimes you have to do What you gotta do To even out the score That's right Don't ever fake the game It's not a sure thing Hold on and jam it through Bet your bottom dollar That you can make them holler Don't you know that white men can't jump?

Yeah, yeah And if you say it louder Then you might make me prouder Don't you know that white men can't jump?

White men can't jump To the beat, y'all Don't you know that white men can't jump?

Yeah, yeah

213 Area code

Berdoo hick, a new dip of a showroom stick Going hell-for-leather on metal clip Pullin' it, I got to deal with it Throw the body in the trunk and get rid of it That's how I'm livin', givin', AK-47 Got to be out by 11 Gangster sniper, grow hyper Disguised himself as a window wiper Stood there through the glass Get the gat, it's dead I gotta think fast Movin', always thinkin', droppin' three skin The body bag's stinkin'

Everyone's thinkin', goin' big, till I slip in Tie you up and start whippin'

Help move the bit to a new level Return of the brown devil

213 Area code Come on, we goin' down like this Come on I'm going up And I won't come down There's no regrets In this world I've found I can hear music Of a joyful sound I'm going up And I won't come down I'm going up And I won't come down I ain't coming down.

Look for the hook Everybody, everybody, here comes the hook Went to the studio to make another hit The tempo being funky, this is funky as it get If you trip, watch your lip With a quick pass, then tip fast Like I did when I cut class... still passed Mommy was a teacher, and Daddy was a cop So I was born a brain with a very good shot Jersey born and bred in an old one-horse 'stead That's where I got my practice Building bloods with the hardheads Yeah, I'm a roughneck with a rough threat Wanna step? Bet No, this ain't a prank, it's a death threat From Latifah, the big chief, for all of y'all to look Here comes the hook This is the hook Everybody, everybody, jump up and look This is the hook Everybody, everybody, jump up and look Left hook, uhh Right hook, uhh Left hook, uhh Right hook, uhh Left hook, uhh Right hook, uhh Left hook, uhh Right hook, uhh ENGLISH - US - SDH