Who Framed Roger Rabbit (1988) Script

(COOL JAZZ PLAYING)


(UPBEAT THEME PLAYING)

(BABY TALK)

Mommy's going to the beauty parlor, darling.

(GIGGLING)

But I'm leaving you with your favorite friend, Roger.

He is going to take very, very good care of you.

Because if he doesn't, he's going back to the science lab!

P-p-please, don't worry. Whatever you say.

Yes, ma'am. Aye, aye, sir. Okeydokey.

Why, I'll take care of him like he was my own brother.

Or my own sister. Ow!

Or my brother's sister. Or my second cousin

-who is twice removed. -Gobble. Cookie.

Or my ninth cousin, who is nine times removed from his place outside.

Or like my 1 5th cousin, who is 1 6 times removed from my mother's side.

Or like my 27th cousin, who is 37 times. . .

-Cookie. -. . .removed from my father's side.

Like my 1 7th cousin, who is 1 56 times removed from any side!

-(POTS CRASHING) -(GLASS SHATTERING)

-(HORN HONKING) -Aah !

I'll save you, Baby!

Cookie.

Don't burn yourself, Baby Herman. Whoa!

(SPLUTTERING) Whoa! Ah !

Whoa!

Whoa! Wow!

Whoa!

Who turned out the lights? It's dark in here.

Don't they pay their electricity?

What's happened? I'll find you, Baby. Where are you?

-Where are you? -(GIGGLING) Cookie.

Where'd you go?

-ROGER: What's that smoke? -(GIGGLING, GURGLING)

(BABY TALK)

(ROGER YELPING)

Whoa!

(ELECTRICITY ZAPPING)

(GULPING)

Cookie.

-(STEAM WHISTLING) -Wah !

Cookie.

(GIGGLING)

I'm here, Baby. . . Aah !

(GULPS)

(BABY TALK)

(MUFFLED SHOUTING)

Wah !

(MOTOR HUMMING)

(GROANING)

Cookie.

(AIR HISSING)

Wah !

(BLUBBERING)

(MUFFLED SHOUTING)

-(GRUNTING) -(ARMS CREAKING)

Cookie. Ahh.

(TWEETING)

MAN: Cut! MAN 2: All right. That's it, guys.

(BELL BUZZING)

MAN: Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut!

(MAN'S VOICE) What the hell was wrong with that take?

Nothing with you, Baby Herman. You were great. You were perfect.

You were better than perfect. It's Roger! He keeps blowing his lines!

(BIRDS TWEETING)

-Roger, what's this? -A tweeting bird?

"A tweeting bird?" Roger, read the script. Look what it says!

It says, "Rabbit gets clunked, rabbit sees stars."

(UPBEAT THEME PLAYING)

-(MUMBLING INCOHERENTLY) -Not birds, stars!

-Can we lose the playback, please? -(MUSIC STOPS)

-Roger, you're killing me! Killing me! -Cut the playback!

For cryin' out loud, Roger!

How many times do we have to do this damn scene?

Raoul, I'll be in my trailer, takin' a nap!

-Whoa! -Excuse me, toots.

My stomach can't take this. This set is a mess.

Clean this set up! And get him out of there, or seal him up in it!

-Lose the lights! And say "lunch"! -MAN: Lunch !

-That's lunch. We're on a half. -(BELL RINGS)

P-please, Raoul. I can give you stars!

Just drop the refrigerator on my head one more time!

Roger, I dropped it on your head 23 times already.

-I can take it! Don't worry about me. -I'm not worried about you.

I'm worried about the refrigerator.

-I can give you stars. Look. Look! -(PAN BANGING)

Look!

ROGER: Please, Raoul, I can do it, I swear.

Just give me another chance. Oh, come on, Raoul.

(EXHALES) Toons.

ROGER: Look! Look, Raoul ! Look, Raoul !

Come on, Raoul !

Mr. Maroon, Mr. Valiant's here to. . .

-(UPBEAT THEME MUSIC) -He'll be right with you.

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

-(BOMB EXPLODING) -(MUSIC STOPS)

No, no, no! Wait until he gets to his feet.

-Then hit him with the boulder. -Right, R. K.

How much do you know about show business, Mr. Valiant?

Only there's no business like it, no business I know.

Yeah, and there's no business more expensive.

I'm 25 grand over budget on the latest Baby Herman cartoon.

You saw the rabbit blowin' his lines.

He can't keep his mind on the work. You know why?

One too many refrigerators dropped on his head?

Nah, he's a Toon.

You can drop anything you want on his head. He'll shake it off.

But break his heart, he goes to pieces, just like you or me.

Read that.

"Seen cooing over calamari with not-so-new sugar daddy, "was Jessica Rabbit, wife of Maroon Cartoon star Roger."

What's this got to do with me?

You're the private detective. You figure it out.

Look, I don't have time for this.

Look, Valiant, his wife's poison, but he thinks she's Betty Crocker.

I want you to follow her, get me a couple of nice, juicy pictures I can wise the rabbit up with.

-Forget it. I don't work Toontown. -What's wrong with Toontown?

Every Joe loves Toontown.

Then get Joe to do the job, 'cause I ain't goin'.

Whoa, fella. You don't want to go to Toontown, you don't have to go to Toontown.

Nobody said you had to go to Toontown anyway.

Have a seat, Valiant.

The rabbit's wife sings at a joint called the Ink and Paint Club.

"Toon Revue." Strictly humans only, okay?

So what do you think, Valiant?

Well?

The job's gonna cost you 1 00 bucks, plus expenses.

A hundred bucks?

-That's ridiculous! -So's the job.

All right, all right. You got your 1 00 bucks.

-Have a drink, Eddie. -I don't mind if I do.

-I got it. -MAN: Careful, Dave.

-DAVE: I got it! -Dave, you're gonna drop it!

DAVE: I'm not gonna drop it! MAN: You're droppin' it!

Watch it! Oh, no! Jeez!

-(PATRIOTIC SONG PLAYING) -(MEN SHOUTING)

Come on !

-(HIGH-PITCHED TRUMPETING) -(GASPING)

(THUD)

Kind of jumpy, aren't you, Valiant?

-It's just Dumbo. -I know who it is.

I got him on loan from Disney, him and half the cast of Fantasia.

The best part is

-they work for peanuts. -(DUMBO COOING)

Well, I don't work for peanuts. Where's the other 50?

Let's call the other 50 a carrot to finish the job.

You've been hanging around rabbits too long.

Hmph !

(CROAKING)

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

W-Whoop! Whoop!

W-w-whoa!

(CRASHING)

Oh, excuse me!

(MOOING)

-(MAN SCREAMING) -Oh, oh, oh !

(MUTTERING)

Please, help. Oh, I'm sorry.

Get out of my way!

(BELL RINGING)

-(CHATTERING) -Oh, taxi? Oh, cab?

(LAUGHING) Right here! Right here!

What do I look like, a bank?

(BELL RINGING)

Wait for me!

-Come on ! -Guys, wait up!

-Come on, hurry up! Come on, Sig ! -Hurry up!

-Hey, mister, ain't you got a car? -Who needs a car in L.A.?

We got the best public transportation system in the world.

(MEN MURMURING)

-Hey, so long. -See you later!

-So long, mister! -Thanks for the cigarettes.

-You bet. -Anytime.

(STREET NOISES)

-Hi, Harry. -Hey, Eddie. How's it going?

Okay. What you got for me?

The usual bills.

-(LAUGHING) -Hey, give back my ball !

Hello, fella.

(ELECTRICITY BUZZING)

-Hi, Harry. Are you okay? -Hey.

(TROLLEY RUMBLING)

What's with Earl?

-Laid off? -A new outfit bought the Red Car.

Some big company called Cloverleaf.

No kiddin'. They bought the Red Car?

Yeah, and put the poor guy on two weeks' notice. Cutbacks, they said.

(SIGHING) Oh, well.

Here's to the pencil pushers. May they all get lead poisoning, huh?

Tomorrow's Friday, Eddie. You know what happens here on Friday?

-Fish special? -My boss checks the books on Friday.

And if I don't have that money I gave you back in the till, I'm gonna lose my job.

Don't bust a button, Dolores. You've only got one left.

50 bucks?

Where's the rest?

Well, it's only a snoop job away.

You got that camera of yours? Mine's in the shop.

Wouldn't be the pawn shop by any chance, would it?

Oh, come on, Dolores.

You need the other 50. I need the camera.

(BAR NOISES)

Any film in there?

Should be.

I haven't had that roll developed since our trip to Catalina.

-That sure was a long time ago. -Yeah, that was a long time ago.

-Let's do that again sometime. -Yeah, sure, Eddie.

(TROLLEY RUMBLING)

-That paper even good? -Just check the scrawl.

R. K. Maroon, as in Maroon Cartoons?

MAN: (LAUGHING) Maroon Cartoons?

Hey. So who's your client, Mr. Detective-To-The-Stars?

(CHUCKLING) Chilly Willy? Or Screwy Squirrel?

(LAUGHING, IMITATING SQUIRREL)

-What do you want to drink? -I'll take a beer, doll.

So what happened, huh? Somebody kidnap Dinky Doodle?

DOLORES: Cut it out, Angelo.

Hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute. I know.

You're working for Little Bo Peep.

She's lost her sheep and you're gonna help her find them.

Hey?

(CHUCKLING)

Ow!

Get this straight, meatball.

I don't work for Toons!

(GRUNTING)

So what's his problem?

-A Toon killed his brother. -What?

Dropped a piano on his head.

-(TROLLEY RUMBLING) -(DOG BARKING)

Got the password?

Walt sent me.

(BOLT RATTLING)

-(DOOR CREAKING) -(GROWLING)

-Nice monkey suit. -Wiseass.

(GROWLING)

(PIANO PLAYING)

(LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING)

(CROWD LAUGHING, CHATTERING)

All right.

-Hey, look at that! -(LAUGHING)

-(POUNDING ON PIANO) -(QUACKING) Hey! Hey! Cut it out!

Does anybody understand what this duck is saying?

(LAUGHING)

-WOMAN: Most amusing. -A little more wine.

I've worked with a lot of wise quackers, (LISPING) but you are despicable.

DONALD: Doggone stubborn nitwit!

That did it! (QUACKING ANGRILY)

DAFFY: This is the last time I work with someone with a speech impediment.

Oh, yeah?

(CRASHING)

-Whoa! -This means war.

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

(GIGGLING)

-What, you think that's funny? -Oh, it's a panic.

You won't think it's funny when I stick that pen up your nose.

Now, calm down, son, will ya? Look, the stain's gone. It's disappearing ink.

No hard feelings, I hope.

-Look, I'm. . . I'm. . . -I know who you are.

Marvin Acme, the guy that owns Toontown. The gag king.

If it's Acme, it's a gasser.

Put it there, pal.

-(BUZZING) -(GASPING)

The hand buzzer. It's still our biggest seller.

-(LAUGHING) -(MUSIC CONTINUES)

Scotch on the rocks.

And I mean ice!

(DONALD QUACKING ANGRILY)

This is hot stuff!

-Wow! -(GRAND FINALE)

(CACKLING)

Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo! (LAUGHING)

(APPLAUDING, CHEERING)

Hey, those ducks are funny. They never get to finish the act!

(LAUGHING)

Great. Thanks.

-Toons. -Cigars? Cigarettes?

-Eddie Valiant! -Betty?

Long time no see.

What are you doing here?

Work's been kinda slow since cartoons went to color.

But I still got it, Eddie. Boop-boop-be-doop, boop!

-Yeah, you still got it. -(APPLAUDING)

(APPLAUDING, CATCALLING)

What's with him?

Mr. Acme never misses a night when Jessica performs.

Got a thing for rabbits, huh?

(SINGING) You had plenty money In 1922 You Iet other women Make a fool of you Why don't you do right

Like some other men do?

(MEN CATCALLING)

Get out of here Give me some money too She's married to Roger Rabbit?

Yeah. What a lucky girl.

Now if you had prepared

20 years ago You wouIdn't be wanderin' now From door to door Why don't you do right Like some other men do?

Get out of here Give me some money too

Get out of here Give me some money too

Why don't you do right Like some other men

Do?

(CHEERING, WHISTLING)

JESSICA: Who is it?

Jessica, dear, have no fear. Your Marvin is here.

MARVIN: You sure murdered 'em again tonight, baby.

I really mean it. My darling, you were superb.

You absolutely, truly and honestly "fashmolyed" that audience.

You killed them. You slayed them.

-You belted them into little pieces. -(GROWLING)

What do you think you're doin', chump?

Who are you callin' a chump, chimp?

(GROWLING)

Aah ! (GRUNTING)

And don't let me catch your peepin' face around here again !

Got it?

Ooga-booga!

MARVIN: Come, my dear Jessica. Come over here.

I got everything arranged, right here on the bed.

JESSICA: Oh, not tonight, Marvin. I have a headache.

MARVIN: Oh, Jessica, you promised.

JESSICA: Oh, all right.

But this time, take off that hand buzzer.

MARVIN: Patty-cake.

Patty-cake.

-Patty-cake. Patty-cake. -JESSICA: Oh, Marvin.

-Marvin ! Oh ! -MARVIN: Patty-cake.

-JESSICA: Marvin. -Patty-cake.

-Patty-cake. Patty-cake. -Oh, Marvin !

MARVIN: Patty-cake! Patty-cake! Patty-cake! Patty-cake!

-You gotta be kidding me. -Patty-cake! Patty-cake!

Patty-cake! Patty-cake!

(CRYING) I don't believe it!

(WEEPING)

Patty-cake! Patty-cake!

Is that true?

Take comfort, son.

You're not the first man whose wife played patty-cake on him.

(WEEPING)

(LOUD HONKING)

I just don't believe it.

I won't believe it. I can't believe it.

-I shan't believe it. -(SPLASHING)

Believe it, kid.

I took the pictures myself.

-She played patty-cake. -(TREMBLING)

No, not my Jessica. Not patty-cake.

This is impossible. I don't believe it. It can't be!

It just can't be! Jessica's my wife!

It's absolutely impossible!

Jessica's the light of my life, the apple of my eye, the cream in my coffee!

You better start drinking it black, 'cause Acme's taking the cream now.

Hard to believe. Marvin Acme's been my friend and neighbor for 30 years.

Who would've thought he was a sugar daddy?

ROGER: Somebody must have made her do it!

Now drink this, son. It'll make you feel better.

(WHIMPERING)

(GULPS, SIGHS)

(GURGLING) Aah !

-Aah ! -(HORN BLOWING)

(GLASS SHATTERING)

Thanks. I needed that.

(PANTING) Son of a bitch.

Look, Mr. Maroon.

I think my work here is finished.

How about that carrot you owe me, huh?

(ROGER WHIMPERING)

-A deal's a deal. -Great.

Thanks. Phew.

Roger, I know all this seems pretty painful now, but you'll find someone new.

-Won't he, Mr. Valiant? -Yeah, sure.

Good-looking guy like that. (LAUGHING)

The dames will be breaking his door down.

Dames? What dames?

Jessica is the only one for me!

You'll see! We'll rise above this piddling peccadillo!

We're going to be happy again !

You got that? Happy. Capital H-A-P-P-I. . .

-(GLASS SHATTERING) -(FOOTSTEPS RECEDING)

Well, at least he took it well.

(WEEPING)

(MOANING, WEEPING)

Oh, Jessica!

Please tell me it's not true.

(ROGER CRYING)

P-p-please!

(SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)


(CHUCKLING)


-(SNORING) -(FOOTSTEPS)

-(BANGING) -(GASPING)

Oh, Lieutenant Santino.

Where'd you come from?

Gee whiz, Eddie. If you needed money so bad, why didn't you come to me?

So I took a couple of dirty pictures. So kill me.

I already got a stiff on my hands, thank you.

Huh?

Marvin Acme.

The rabbit cacked him last night.

What?

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(BRAKES SQUEALING)

-(LAUGHTER) -(CARNIVAL NOISES)

Now what?

It's just I haven't been this close to Toontown for a while.

Yeeow!

Oof, oof, oof! Ow!

My biscuits are burnin'! Fire in the hatch ! Ow! Ooh !

Eee! Great horny toads, that smarts!

(STEAM HISSING)

(SIGHING)

Come on, Eddie. Let's get this over with.

I didn't see anything.

Maybe you heard a noise or something.

-He's with me. -Nothin'.

-Are you sure? -Come on, kid.

Are you sure you didn't see anything?

-What about you, fella? -I didn't see anything.

-I came in to work. -Come on, Lieutenant.

Just like a Toon to drop a safe on a guy's head.

Sorry, Eddie.

You better wait here, all right?

You got a positive I. D.?

(POLICE MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY)

Must be.

Hey, Chisold, get a load of this.

You've seen one of these?

-(LAUGHING) Yeah. -Hey, guys.

Didn't you used to be Eddie Valiant? (LAUGHING)

Or did you change your name to Jack Daniels?

(LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING, CHATTERING CONTINUE)

-What's that? -Paint from the rabbit's glove.

Mr. Valiant?

I hope you're proud of yourself and those pictures you took.

(MEN WHISTLING, CATCALLING)

For crying out loud, Mike! Hey, we need a little help over here!

-(SQUEAKING) -Hey, somebody grab those loafers!

Hey, Mike, come here!

Oh, oh ! Oh.

(SHOES SQUEAKING, MEN SHOUTING)

I got these. Come on. Come on. Those shoes over there.

Ow.

Is this man removing evidence from the scene of a crime?

Uh, no, Judge Doom. Valiant here was just pickin' it up for you.

Weren't you, Eddie?

-Hand it over. -Sure.

(BUZZING)

His number-one seller.

I see working for a Toon has rubbed off on you.

I wasn't working for a Toon. I was working for R. K. Maroon.

Yes, we talked to Mr. Maroon.

He told us the rabbit became quite agitated when you showed him the pictures.

The rabbit said, one way or another, he and his wife were going to be happy.

Is that true?

Hey, pal, do I look like a stenographer?

Shut your yap, Eddie. The man's in charge.

That's all right, Lieutenant. From the smell of him, I'd say it was the booze talking.

No matter. The rabbit won't get far. My men will find him.

-(SIREN WAILING) -(MEN SHOUTING)

Look out!

-Weasels? -Yes.

I find they have a special gift for the work.

All right, ya mugs. Fall out.

-DOOM: Did you find the rabbit? -Don't worry, Judge.

We've got "deformants" all over the city. We'll find him.

(GIGGLING INSANELY)

You wouldn't have any idea where the rabbit might be, Mr. Valiant?

Have you tried Walla Walla? Cucamonga?

I hear Kokomo's very nice this time of the year.

I'm surprised you're not more cooperative, Mr. Valiant.

A human has been murdered by a Toon.

Don't you appreciate the magnitude of that?

(SQUEAKING)

Since I've had Toontown under my jurisdiction, my goal has been to reign in the insanity.

And the only way to do that is to make Toons respect the law.

(SHOE SQUEAKING)

(SQUEAKING CONTINUES)

EDDIE: (WHISPERING) How did that gargoyle get to be a judge?

He spread a bunch of simoleons around Toontown a couple years back, bought the election.

Yeah? What's that?

(HISSING)

SANTINO: Remember how we always thought there wasn't a way to kill a Toon?

EDDIE: Yeah. SANTINO: Well, Doom found a way.

Turpentine, acetone, benzene.

-He calls it "the dip." -DOOM: I'll catch the rabbit, Mr. Valiant.

-(SQUEAKING) -Then I'll try him, convict him

-and execute him. -(WHIMPERING)

-(SHOE WHIMPERING) -(DIP HISSING)

Gee.

(WEASEL GIGGLING)

WEASEL: (LAUGHING) That's one dead shoe, eh, boss?

They're not kid gloves, Mr. Valiant.

But this is how we handle things down in Toontown.

I'd think you, of all people, would appreciate that.

(PIANIST PLAYING ARPEGGIO)

OFF-KEY CHOIR: (SINGING) La, la, la, la, la, la, la

(PIANO, SINGERS CONTINUE)

Uh. . . Hey, hey, hey! Hey, hey! Hey, wait a minute! Hey, hey!

La, la, la, la, la, la, la I've been tryin' to make him quit, but he just won't listen to me.

What do you know, you dumb broad? You got the I.Q. of a rattle.

-You Valiant? -Yeah.

I wanna talk to you about the Acme murder. Hey, psst, doll.

Why don't you run downstairs and get me a racin' form?

Ooh ! Okay, okay. I'm goin'.

The lady's man, huh?

My problem is I got a 50-year-old lust in a 3-year-old dinky.

Yeah, must be tough.

Look, Valiant, the rabbit didn't kill Acme.

He's not a murderer. I should know. He's a dear friend of mine.

I tell ya, Valiant, the whole thing stinks like yesterday's diapers.

Look at this. The paper said Acme left no will.

That's a load of succotash. Every Toon knows Acme had a will.

He promised to leave Toontown to us Toons.

That will is the reason he got bumped off.

Has anybody ever seen this will?

Uh, no, but he gave us his solemn oath.

If you believe that that joker could do anything solemn, the gag's on you, pal.

I just figured since you were the one who got my pal in trouble, you might want to help get him out.

I can pay you.

Save your money for a pair of elevator shoes!

Wait, no! Valiant, no! Oh, my stogie!

Wah !

It ain't my fault the rabbit got himself in trouble.

(GASPING)

All I did was take a couple of lousy pictures.


Baby was right.

The hell with it.

(SIGHS)

-Aah ! -Aah !

-How the hell did you get in here? -Through the mail slot.

I thought it would be best if I waited inside, seein' as how I'm wanted for murder!

No kiddin'. Just talkin' to you could get me a rap for aiding and abetting.

Wait a minute. Anybody know you're here?

Nobody. Not a soul except, uh. . .

-Who? -Well, you see. . .

I didn't know where your office was, so I asked the newsboy.

He didn't know, so I asked the fireman, the green grocer, the butcher, the baker. They didn't know.

But the liquor store guy, he knew.

In other words, the whole damn town knows you're here!

-Get out of here! Come on. Out! -Hey, take it easy, will ya?

-Out! Get out! Come on. -Please, Eddie, don't throw me out!

-You're making a big mistake! -Get out of here!

-I didn't kill anybody! I swear! -Let go of that door, will ya?

This whole thing's a setup, a scam, a frame job. Ow!

Eddie, I could never hurt anybody. Ow!

My whole purpose in life

-is to make people -(GRUNTING)

-laugh ! -(BOTH GRUNTING)

Okay, okay. Sure, I admit it.

I got a little steamed when you showed me those pictures of Jessica, (EDDIE GROWLING) so I rushed over to the Ink and Paint Club.

But she wasn't in her dressing room, so I wrote her a love letter.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

You're telling me, in a fit of jealousy, you wrote your wife a love letter?

That's right. I know that she was just an innocent victim of circumstance.

I suppose you used the old lipstick on the mirror routine, huh?

Lipstick, yes. Mirror, no.

I found a nice, clean piece of paper.

"Dear Jessica, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

"One-one thousand, two-one thousand, three-one thousand. . ."

Why didn't you just leave the letter there?

Obviously, a poem of this power and sensitivity must. . .

Aah !

. . .be read in person, so I went home to wait for her.

But the weasels were there, waiting for me.

So. . . So I ran.

So why come to me? I'm the guy that took the pictures of your wife.

Yeah, and you're also the guy that helped all these Toons.

Everybody knows, when a Toon's in trouble, there's only one place to go, Valiant and Valiant.

Not anymore.

Get out of that chair!

-That's my brother's chair. -Yeah. Where is your brother anyway?

He looks like a sensitive and sober fellow.

-That's it. I'm callin' the cops. -Go ahead. Call the cops.

I come here for help, and what do you do?

You turn me in. No, no, don't feel guilty about me.

So long, and thanks for nothin'.

That's the closet! Stupe.

Eddie Valiant, you're under arrest. (BABBLING)

Get out!

-Idiot. I got no keys for these cuffs. -Huh?

-(SIREN WAILING) -(TREMBLING)

Yah !

Come on. Get the lead out. Move it, would ya? Move it!

(HORNS HONKING)

Yah ! It's the Toon Patrol !

Hide me, Eddie. P-p-please!

(GRUNTING)

-Remember. You never saw me. -Get out of there!

-(GRUNTING) -Don't let 'em find me!

Come on, Eddie. You're my only hope.

-(WEASEL KNOCKING) -Open up in the name of the law!

-That's us. -P-p-please, Eddie.

You know there's no justice for Toons anymore.

-If the weasels get their hands on me. . . -Are you in there?

-I'm as good as dipped. -Don't make us play rough, Valiant.

We just want the rabbit.

What are we gonna do, Eddie? What are we gonna do?

-What are we gonna do? -(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

What's all this "we" stuff? They just want the rabbit.

(MACHINE GUN FIRING)

(ROGER GASPING)

It looks like they gave us the slip, huh, boss?

Nah. Valiant's got him stashed somewhere.

(EDDIE HUMMING)

Hold it right there.

Hello, boys. I didn't hear you come in.

Okay, wise guy. Where's the rabbit?

I haven't seen him.

-(SNIFFING) What's in there? -My lingerie.

(GASPING) Sheesh, Valiant.

(SPLUTTERING)

(CHUCKLING)

Search the place, boys.

And leave no stone unturned.

Look, Valiant, we got a reliable tip-off the rabbit was here, and it was "corrugated" by several others.

-(GLASS SHATTERING) -So cut the "bullshtick."

You keep talkin' like that, and I'm gonna have to wash your mouth out.

-(GASPING) -(SPLUTTERING)

(LAUGHING)

Stop that laughin'!

You know what happens when ya can't stop laughin'!

One of these days, you're gonna die laughin'.

As for you, Valiant, step out of line, and we'll hang you and your laundry out to dry.

(LAUGHING)

Come on, boys. Let's "am-scray."

(SPLUTTERING)

-They're gone. -Jeepers, Eddie, that was swell.

You saved my life. How can I ever repay ya?

(KISSING)

Blecch ! For starters, don't ever kiss me again !

(SPITTING)

-(MUFFLED SHOUTING) -Stop kicking me. Stop kicking me.

(SHOUTING CONTINUES)

-(TROLLEY RUMBLING) -Dolores. Dolores!

Dolores!

(ROGER SHOUTING, MUFFLED)

Hey, Eddie, you made the front page today.

-Yeah, I guess I made some ink. -And what ink.

Come on, Eddie. Just let's go. Please! (MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY)

So tell me, Eddie. Is that a rabbit in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

Cut the comedy, Dolores. I've had a very hard day.

-I gotta get out of these cuffs. -Oh, swell.

Whew!

ROGER: Jeepers, Eddie, that almost killed me!

Ow.

Boy, what is this? Some kind of a secret room?

It's a rotgut room. A holdover from Prohibition.

Oh, I get it. A speakeasy, a gin mill, a hooch parlor.

-Tools are up here, Eddie. -Look at this!

-Aah ! -It's a spy hole!

Jeepers, Eddie! This would be a great place to hide!

-Crazy Toon. Oof! -Watch your head !

I thought you said you'd never take another Toon case.

-What'd you have, a change of heart? -Nothing's changed.

Somebody's made a patsy out of me, and I'm going to find out why.

Hold still, will ya?

-Does this help? -Yeah. Thanks.

You mean to tell me that you could have taken your hand out of that cuff at any time?

No, not at any time. Only when it was funny.

Get out!

Come on, Eddie. Where's your sense of humor?

He always this funny, or only on days when he's wanted for murder?

Listen, my philosophy is this.

If you don't have a good sense of humor, you're better off dead.

You just may get your wish unless I can figure out what happened to this.

-What is it, Eddie? -EDDIE: Just look at it.

-Mr. Acme's will. -Yeah.

And I think Maroon played the part of sound mind and your wife the sound body.

Why, I resent that innuendo!

-What's the scheme, Eddie? -I don't think they got to the will.

But how do you know?

Because they were still looking for it after they killed him.

Anything I can do?

Maybe you can go downtown and check the probate.

Yeah, check the probate!

Why, my Uncle Thumper had a problem with his probate, and he had to take these big pills and drink lots of water.

-Not prostate, you idiot. Probate! -Let me get this straight.

You think that my boss, R. K. Maroon dropped a safe on Marvin Acme's head so that he could get his hands on Toontown?

Yeah.

That's my hunch.

Uh, can he stay here for a couple of days?

He's not gonna do anything crazy, is he?

(HUMMING, GIGGLING)

-Where are you going? -EDDIE: Back to the office.

JESSICA: Mr. Valiant. Mr. Valiant?

(TOILET FLUSHES)

You've got the wrong idea about me, Mr. Valiant.

I'm a pawn in this, just like Roger.

Can you help me find him? Just name your price and I'll pay it.

Yeah, I bet you would.

You've gotta have the rabbit to make the scam work.

No, no, no. I love my husband. You've got me all wrong.

You don't know how hard it is being a woman looking the way I do.

Yeah, well.

You don't know how hard it is being a man looking at a woman, looking the way you do.

I'm not bad. I'm just drawn that way.

Weren't you the one I caught playing patty-cake with old man Acme?

You didn't catch me, Mr. Valiant. You were set up to take those pictures.

-What are you talking about? -Maroon wanted to blackmail Acme.

I didn't want to have anything to do with it, but he said if I didn't pose for those patty-cake pictures, Roger would never work in this town again.

I couldn't let that happen.

I'd do anything for my husband, Mr. Valiant.

-Anything. -What a wife.

I'm desperate, Mr. Valiant. Can't you see how much I need you?

(CLEARING THROAT) Dabblin' in watercolors, Eddie?

Well. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Sorry. (LAUGHING)

Good-bye, Eddie. My offer stands firm.

Think about it. (KISSING)

Well !

Do you want to tell me what she was doing with her arms around you?

Probably lookin' for a good place to stick a knife.

Come on, Eddie. I caught you with your pants down !

Yeah, but I. . . Dolores, come. . .

Come on, Dolores.

You don't believe a painted hussy like that could turn my head.

She's just trying to get her hands on the rabbit.

That's not all she's trying to get her hands on.

Now, look, Dolores, listen. Listen to me.

Look, I want you to go out, I want you to buy yourself a new swim suit, 'cause you and me are going to Catalina.

I'm on the verge of wrappin' up this case.

No, you're not, Eddie.

That's what I came to tell you. I stopped by Probate.

Maroon's not after Toontown like you thought.

It's Cloverleaf that wants to get their hands on Toontown.

They put in the highest bid.

And unless Mr. Acme's will shows up by midnight tonight, Cloverleaf is gonna own Toontown.

-What? At midnight tonight? -That's right.

First they buy the Red Car, then they want to get their hands on Toontown.

-I don't get it. -Shh !

-Yes! -(PIANO, SINGING)

Roger!

(GIGGLING)

The rabbit. Get the judge.

(SINGING) A joke don't sit there on your brain

(LAUGHING) Nice shirt.

Who's your tailor, Quasimodo?

My buddy's Eddie V A sourpuss, you'll see But when I'm done he'II need no gun 'cause a joker he wiII be C, D, E, F, G H, I... I wouId Iove to raise some Cain BeIieve me, it's no strain It feeIs so great 'cause I'm so tight And Iook, there is no pain No pain. No pain. No pain Ow!

No pain. No pain. No...

(LAUGHING)

-DOLORES: No! -Hey, wait!

Yah !

Hey, who turned out the lights?

I can't see a thing ! What's goin' on?

You crazy rabbit!

I've been out there risking my neck for you, and what are you doin'?

Singin' and dancin'!

(GRUNTING)

But I'm a Toon. Toons are supposed to make people laugh.

Sit down !

You don't understand. Those people needed to laugh.

Yeah, and when they're done laughin', they'll call the cops!

That guy Angelo would rat on you for a nickel.

Not Angelo! He'd never turn me in.

Why? Because you made him laugh?

That's right. A laugh can be a very powerful thing.

Why, sometimes in life, it's the only weapon we have.

-Laughter is the most. . . -Shh.

-(ALARM BUZZING) -"Ix-nay." "Ix-nay."

I'm looking for a murderer.

(LAUGHING)

(TROLLEY RUMBLING)

A rabbit.

A Toon rabbit.

About yea big.

Look.

There's no rabbit here, so don't harass my customers.

I didn't come here to harass. I came here to reward.

(CHALK SQUEAKING)

-(SQUEAKING) -(GASPING)

(WHISTLING)

Hey. I seen a rabbit.

Where?

-(GASPING) -See?

-Where? -He's right here in the bar.

Say "hello," Harvey.

(ALL LAUGHING)

(SIGHING) I told you so.


The Merry-Go-Round Broke Down.

Quite a loony selection for a group of drunken reprobates.

(CLEARING THROAT)

(SNIFFING)

He's here!

-(GULPING) -(LAUGHING)

-Stop that laughing ! -(LAUGHING)

Have you forgotten what happened last time?

If you don't stop this laughing, you're gonna end up dead, just like your idiot hyena cousins!

Say, boss, you want we should "disresemble" the place?

No, Sergeant. Disassembling the place won't be necessary.

The rabbit is going to come right to me.

(KNOCKING TUNE)

Gee.

No Toon can resist the old Shave and a Haircut trick.

(KNOCKING CONTINUES)

I don't know who's toonier, you or Doom.

(MOANING, TEETH RATTLING)

Roger!

Ro. . . Roger.

-Roger, no! -(KNOCKING)

EDDIE: Roger, don't. . .

(SINGING) Shave and a haircut

(EXPLOSION)

Two bits

(GULPING, WHIMPERING)

Hey, Judge, what should we do with the wallflower?

We'll see to him later.

Right now I feel like dispensing some justice.

Bring me some dip.

-(HISSING) -Aah !

(KNEES KNOCKING, TEETH CHATTERING)

(GROANING)

Does the condemned have anything to say before his sentence is carried out?

Why, yeah. I. . . (CHOKING, WHEEZING)

Wah !

Dolores, a bourbon, and make it a double.

A fine time for a drink, Eddie.

Maybe you'd like a bowl of pretzels to go with it!

Pour the drink, Dolores.

(ROGER GROANING)

Hey, Judge!

Doesn't a dying rabbit deserve a last request?

Yeah ! Nose plugs would be nice.

I think you want a drink.

(WHIMPERING)

-How 'bout it, Judge? -Well, why not.

I don't mind prolonging the execution.

Happy trails.

No, thanks, Eddie. I'm tryin' to cut down.

-Drink the drink! -But I don't want the drink.

He doesn't want the drink.

-He does! You do! -I don't!

-I don't! I don't! -You do!

-You do! You don't. -I don't!

-I do! -You don't!

Listen, when I say "I do," that means I do! (GULPING)

(EXPLOSION)

(GURGLING)

Aah !

Come on.

Gotcha, kid.

Come on, Eddie, let's get out of here!

Move it, pops! Yikes!

That was quick thinkin', Eddie. Nothing like using the old spine flower, -the wise noodle, the smart puddin'. -Roger!

-Yikes! Stop, will ya? -Let's use this!

Yah !

Let's get out of here! What are you waitin' for?

There's no damn key!

Hey, you weasels, let me out of here, will ya? Come on !

-I've got to make a livin'! -Benny, is that you?

BENNY: No, it's Eleanor Roosevelt. Come on, Roger! Get me out of here!

Eddie, we got ourselves a ride! Open the doors!

(HORN HONKING)

-Whoo! -Ah, that's better.

I can't believe they locked me up for driving on the sidewalk.

Come on, Eddie. Get in !

-It was just a couple of miles. -I'll drive!

-But I wanna drive! -No, I'll drive!

I'm the cab. Out of my way, pencil neck!

How about this weather, huh?

-It never rains! -Would you beat it!

They've sprung the cab! Let's go!

And how about those Brooklyn Dodgers?

Are they bums, or what?

Move over. I'm drivin'!

(SIREN WAILING)

Benny, Eddie, we got company!

Will you look at these two? Excuse me, ladies!

(ROGER SCREAMS)

Now that's what I call a couple of road hogs.

(GUNFIRE)

-I'm gonna blow his head off. -Benny, look out for the Red Car!

(TIRES SCREECHING, BRAKES SQUEALING)

-(GRUNTING) -ROGER: Whoa!

ROGER: Benny, there's cops right behind us!

Not for long, Roger.

-No! -Now they're right in front of us.

Eddie, we're goin' backwards. Turn us around.

Give me the wheel. Give me the wheel !

-The cops are still on our tail ! -I know the cops are on our tail !

What do you think I am? Benny!

-No. No! -(BOTH SCREAMING)

-(LAUGHING) -Pull the lever!

-Which one? -Which one?

-BENNY: Which one? -(ALARM BUZZING)

I'm gonna ram 'em.

What the heck?

Whoa!

BENNY: I'm gettin' too old for this!

Aah !

Jumpin' jeepers!

Hey, Roger, what do you call the middle of a song?

-Gee, I don't know. A bridge! -Aah !

(BENNY LAUGHING)

-Well, fellas, where can I drop ya? -Yeah. Somewhere we can hide.

I got just the place. And incidentally, if you should ever need a ride, just stick out your thumb.

Hey, share the road, will ya, lady?

Ah, weII, that wasn't so bad, was it?

(LAUGHING)

(ROGER LAUGHING)

Boy, did you see that? Nobody takes a wallop like Goofy.

What timing, what finesse! What a genius!

(LAUGHING) Ouch !

We're supposed to be hiding. What's wrong with you?

Ow. What's wrong with you?

You're the only person in this theater that isn't laughing.

Is there nothing that can permeate your impervious puss?

Hey, Eddie! (GURGLING) Boy, nothin'.

What could've possibly happened to you to turn you into such a sourpuss?

You want to know? I'll tell you.

-A Toon killed my brother. -A Toon? No.

That's right. A Toon. (SIGHING)

We were investigating a robbery at the First National Bank of Toontown.

Back in those days, me and Teddy liked working Toontown.

We thought it was a lot of laughs.

Anyway, this guy got away with a zillion simoleons.

(LAUGHS)

We trailed him to a little dive down on Yockster Street.

We went in.

Only he got the drop on us, literally.

Dropped a piano on us from 1 5 stories.

Broke my arm.

Teddy never made it.

I never did find out who that guy was.

All I remember was, he was standin' over me, laughin', with those burnin' red eyes and that high, squeaky voice.

He disappeared into Toontown after that.

(WEEPING) No wonder you hate me.

If a Toon killed my brother, I'd hate me too!

Come on, don't cry. I don't hate you.

-Yes, you do. -No, I don't.

You do hate me.

Otherwise you wouldn't have yanked my ears all those times.

Well, I'm sorry I yanked your ears.

All the times you yanked my ears?

-All the times I yanked your ears. -Apology accepted.

Put 'er there, pal. I feel better. Oh, boy!

I hope it's another cartoon !

-(FANFARE) -Jeepers, another stupid newsreel.

I hate the news.

-Did you get all my stuff? -Yes.

It's all packed up in the car outside.

Would have been here right after you called, but I had to shake the weasels.

Yeah. I'm sorry about the trouble in the bar.

Oh, hell. Stuffing olives for a living wasn't for me anyway.

Dolores?

(NEWSREEL CONTINUES)

You oughta find yourself a good man.

But I already have a good man.

(ROGER SIGHING)

P-p-please, don't mind me.

You better get going, Eddie.

ANNOUNCER: A near miss, but this miss says that's as good as a smiIe.

California Cloverleaf...

Glad Teddy's not here to see me running away with my tail between my legs.

ROGER: It's not so bad once you get used to it.

ANNOUNCER: The Pacific Red Car trolley line and the venerated Maroon Cartoon Studios.

Here, R.K. Maroon is seen cIinching the deaI with Cloverleaf's bankers and execs in one of the biggest reaI estate deaIs ever in California history.

-That's it! -Three-and-a-half million dollars...

That's the connection !

ROGER: Let's forget it. There's nobody here.

-Is that it, or are you scared? -P-p-please! Me, scared?

Don't be ridiculous.

When you called Maroon, you told him you had the will, but you don't.

When he finds out, he's gonna be mad.

He might try to kill ya.

I can handle a Hollywood cream puff. I just don't want the odds to change.

Now, you cover my back.

And if you hear or see anything, beep the horn twice.

Yeah, that's it. Beep the horn twice. Cover your back.

Boy, I'm ready. Dukes up, eyes peeled, ears to the ground.

Why, nobody gets the drop on Roger Rabbit.

(GURGLING)

-Aah ! -What's up, Doc?

Valiant, what are you trying to do, give me a heart attack?

You need a heart before you can have an attack.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got the will?

Sure. I got the will.

The question is, do you have the way?

'Cause I can tell you now, it ain't gonna come cheap.

You got a lot of brass coming up here by yourself.

Who said I'm here by myself?

Let me see that will.

-I told you, I got it. -I want to see it now!

"How do I love thee? Let me count the ways"?

-This supposed to be a joke? -No, this is.

(SPLUTTERING)

(GROANING)

Get up! Come on.

(PANTING) What are you gonna do to me, Valiant?

I'm gonna listen to you spin the Cloverleaf scenario.

A story of greed, sex and murder.

And the parts that I don't like, I'm gonna edit out.

You got it all wrong ! I'm a cartoon maker, not a murderer!

-Everybody's got to have a hobby. -(GROANING)

Oh, stop it. Stop it! Stop it!

The truth is, I had a chance to sell my studio, but Cloverleaf wouldn't buy my property unless Acme sold them his.

The stubborn bastard wouldn't sell, so I was gonna blackmail Acme with pictures of him and the rabbit's wife.

Blackmail, that's all ! I've been around Toons all my life!

-I didn't want to see 'em destroyed ! -Toons destroyed? Why?

-If I tell ya, I'm a dead man. -You're a dead man if you don't tell me.

Unless Acme's will shows by midnight tonight, Toontown's going to be live for the free. . . Aah !


-(TIRES SCREECHING) -Roger!

-(TIRES SCREECHING) -(HORN HONKING)

(BELL RINGING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(BRAKES SQUEALING)


(SNORING)

-What the. . . -Yeah, what in Sam Hill. . .

Eddie Valiant! Well, you're a sight for sore eyes!

I ain't seen you in nigh on to five years.

-Where've you been? -Drunk.

-You feeling frisky tonight, fellas? -Yeah !

-(CHAMBER CLICKS) -Let's go.

-(WHOOPING, LAUGHING) -Yahoo!


(GRUNTING)

(WAR CRY)

-(ENGINE ROARING) -(TIRES SCREECHING)

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

(SINGING) SmiIe, darn ya, smiIe You know, this oId worId is a great worId after aII Smile, darn ya, smile And right away watch Iady Iuck pay you a caII Things are never bIack as they are painted Time for you and joy to get acquainted Hi, Eddie!

Hi, Eddie! Hi, Eddie! Bye, Eddie!

(EXPLOSION, STEAM HISSING)

(SIREN WAILING)

(HORN HONKING)

Tallyho! Tallyho! (LAUGHING)

(CACOPHONY)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

Get out of here!

(BUZZING)

(CRASHING)

Going up, sir.

Yah !

Mind the step, sir.

Hold on, sir.

Yah !

Your floor, sir.

(GRUNTING)

Have a good day, sir.

Ah. Gotcha.

A man !

(KISSING)

Yoo-hoo, lover boy! It's Lena Hyena!

Aah !

Oh, no!

Aah !

-Oh, "wook," piggies. -Hi, Tweety.

This "wittle" piggy went to market. This "wittle" piggy stayed home.

-No. -This "wittle" piggy had roast beef.

-And this "wittle" piggy had. . . -Aah !

Uh-oh. Ran out of piggies.

Yah !

(CHOMPING)

Eh, what's up, Doc? Jumpin' without a parachute? Kinda dangerous, ain't it?

Yeah.

Yeah. You could get killed. (LAUGHING)

-You guys got a spare? -Uh, Bugs does.

-Yeah? -Yeah, but I don't think you want it.

-I do! I do! Give it to me! -Gee, better let him have it, Bugs.

Okay, Doc. Whatever you say. Here's the spare.

Thank you.

(GRUNTING)

Ah, no! Ahh !

-Ah, poor fella. Ha, ha. -Yeah. Ain't I a stinker?

Aah !

My man ! (KISSING)

(GROANING)

Come to Lena!

-(GIGGLING) -(GRUNTING)

(GIGGLING) Ooh !

Toons. Gets 'em every time.

(FOOTSTEPS)

(CAT MEOWING)

(MEOWING CONTINUES)

(SNEEZES)

-Gesundheit. -Thank you.

Valiant?

I always knew I'd get it in Toontown.

-Behind you ! -(MOANING)

Drop it, lady!

I just saved your life, and you still don't trust me?

-I don't trust anybody or anything ! -Not even your own eyes?

That's the gun that killed R. K. Maroon, and Doom pulled the trigger.

-Doom? -I followed him to the studio, but I was too late to stop him.

DOOM: That's right! You'll never stop me!

-You're dead ! You're both dead ! -Doom !

-Which way'd he go? -Well, I don't know.

-Well, he went that-a-way. -Let's go!

Dum-dums.

-Come on. -Yeah.

-Oh, no. Where's Roger? -Roger?

He chickened out on me back at the studio.

No, he didn't.

I hit him on the head with a frying pan and put him in the trunk so he wouldn't get hurt.

Makes perfect sense.

We're obviously not going anywhere in my car.

Let's take yours.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

I got a feeling somebody already did.

From the looks of it, I'd say it was Roger.

My honey bunny was never very good behind the wheel.

-A better lover than a driver, huh? -You'd better believe it, buster.

-(SIREN WAILING) -Uh-oh. It's the weasels. This way!

-We'll take Gingerbread Lane. -No, wait! No, no!

-Gingerbread Lane's this way. -(BRAKES SQUEALING)

So, Valiant, you call a cab, or what?

Hubba-hubba-hubba. Allow me, mademoiselle.

So how long have you known it was Doom?

Before poor Marvin Acme was killed, he confided in me that Doom wanted to get his hands on Toontown, and he wouldn't stop at anything.

So he gave you the will for safekeeping.

That's what he told me.

Except when I opened the envelope, there was only a blank piece of paper inside.

-Huh. A joker to the end. -So where to, already?

-My meter's runnin'! -I have to find my darling husband.

I'm so worried about him.

Seriously, what do you see in that guy?

He makes me laugh.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

-(DIP HISSING) -Aah !

Whoa, I've been dipped !

(ALL GRUNTING)

Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.

What an unfortunate accident. Nothing more treacherous than a slippery road especially when driving in a maniacal Toon vehicle.

(SIREN WAILING)

-Good work, boss. -(LAUGHING)

Don't just stand there. Help them.

-Put them in my car. -WEASEL: Follow me.

And I think they'll enjoy attending the ribbon cutting at the Acme Factory.

WEASEL: Come on, you mugs.

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

We searched Valiant, boss. The will ain't on him.

-Then frisk the woman ! -I'll handle this one.

(SCREAMING, SHOUTING)

-Nice booby trap. -(SHOUTING)

(WEASELS LAUGHING)

Do they have the will, or not?

-Nah, just a stupid love letter. -No matter.

I doubt if that will is gonna show up in the next 1 5 minutes anyway.

-What happens in the next 1 5 minutes? -Toontown will be legally mine.

Lock, stock and barrel.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Benny, is that you?

No, it's Shirley Temple! Ahh ! Oh ! Eee!

Jumpin' jeepers! What happened?

Doom grabbed your wife and Valiant and took 'em to the Acme Factory.

The Acme Factory? I know where that is. Get in !

Move over, Rog. You've done enough driving for one night.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Duh, Toontown right on the other side of the wall, boss.

(COUGHING, WHEEZING)

You see, Mr. Valiant, the successful conclusion of this case draws the curtains on my career as a jurist in Toontown.

I'm retiring to take a new role in the private sector.

That wouldn't be Cloverleaf Industries by any chance, huh?

Uh-uh.

You're looking at the sole stockholder.

Benny, you go for the cops. I'm gonna save my wife.

Be careful with that gun. This ain't no cartoon, you know.

This is no way to make a livin'.

(RATTLING)

Wouldn't you know. Locked.

Whoa!

(FLUSHING)

Can you guess what this is?

Oh, my God ! It's dip!

That's right, my dear. Enough to dip Toontown off the face of the Earth !

A vehicle of my own design.

5,000 gallons of heated dip pumped at enormous velocity through a pressurized water cannon.

Toontown will be erased in a matter of minutes.

(COUGHING, WHEEZING)

JESSICA: I suppose you think no one's going to notice Toontown's disappeared?

Who's got time to wonder what happened to some ridiculous talking mice when you're driving by at 75 miles an hour?

What are you talking about? There's no road past Toontown.

Not yet! Several months ago, I had the good providence to stumble upon this plan of the city council's.

A construction plan of epic proportions.

They're calling it a freeway.

Freeway? What the hell's a freeway?

Eight lanes of shimmering cement running from here to Pasadena.

Smooth, safe, fast.

Traffic jams will be a thing of the past.

So that's why you killed Acme and Maroon? For this freeway?

-I don't get it. -Of course not. You lack vision.

I see a place where people get on and off the freeway.

On and off, off and on, all day and all night!

Soon, where Toontown once stood will be a string of gas stations, inexpensive motels, restaurants that serve rapidly prepared food, tire salons, automobile dealerships, and wonderful, wonderful billboards reaching as far as the eye can see!

-My God, it'll be beautiful. -Come on !

Nobody's gonna drive this lousy freeway when they can take the Red Car for a nickel.

Oh, they'll drive. They'll have to.

You see, I bought the Red Car so I could dismantle it.

-(RUMBLING) -What the. . .

(SCREAMING)

-Ay, caramba! -Aah !

Okay, nobody move!

All right, weasels, grab some sky or I'll let the judge have it!

-You heard me. I said, drop it. -Roger, darling !

Yes, it's me, my dearest. I'd love to embrace you, but first I have to satisfy my sense of moral outrage!

Put the gun down, you bucktoothed fool !

That's it, Doom ! Give me another excuse to pump you full of lead !

You thought you could get away with it, didn't ya? Ha!

We Toons may act idiotic, but we're not stupid !

We demand justice, but the real meaning of the word probably hits you like a ton of bricks!

Roger!

-Roger, say something ! -Look, stars!

Ready when you are, Raoul. (LAUGHING)

Tie the lovebirds together.

(MACHINE HUMMING, CRANKING)

(WEASELS MUTTERING)

Come on, lovebirds. What you want?

Put them up on that hook. Use that escape-proof Toon rope.

Time to kill the rabbit.

(GIGGLING)

(MACHINE HUMMING)

Oh, Roger, you were magnificent.

-Was I really? -Better than Goofy.

(ENGINE REVVING)

Roger, darling, I want you to know I love you.

I've loved you more than any woman's ever loved a rabbit.

It's over, Mr. Valiant.

(WHISTLING)

(GASPING)

(WEASELS LAUGHING)

-Look out, you fools! -Not so fast.

One of these days, you idiots are gonna laugh yourselves to death !

Shall I "repose" of him right now, boss?

Let him watch his Toon friends get dipped, then shoot him.

With pleasure.

(LAUGHING)

Everything's funny to you, ain't it, needle nose?

You got a problem with that, Valiant?

Nah.

I just, uh, want you to know something about the guy you're gonna dip!

(CALLIOPE PLAYING)

(LAUGHING NERVOUSLY)

(SINGING) Now Roger is his name Laughter is his game Come on, you dope, untie his rope and watch him go insane

(LAUGHING)

-He's lost his mind. -I don't think so.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

This singing ain't my Iine It's tough to make a rhyme If I get stuck l'm... l'm out of luck...

-I'm running out of time! -Thanks!

Aah !

(CHURCH ORGAN PLAYING)

(LAUGHING, CHOKING)

ROGER: Hey, Eddie, keep it up! You're killin' 'em !

You're slayin' 'em ! You're knockin' 'em dead !

I'm through with taking faIIs I'm bouncing off the waIIs Without that gun I'd have some fun I'd kick you in the...

-Nose! -Nose? That don't rhyme with "walls"!

No, but this does!

(SCREAMING)

(ENGINE RUMBLING)

Yikes! Oh, my goodness!

-Jeepers, that was close! -(LAUGHING, SCREAMING)

Bye-bye! (LAUGHING)

Eddie, hurry! It's coming back!

(GRUNTING)

Oh !

-Oh, no! -This is it!

This isn't it!

Whoa!

(SINGING) Wicked witchcraft And aIthough I know It's strictIy taboo When...


Don't move.

No. No!

(GRUNTING)

(GASPING)

(GRUNTING)

Yah ! (GRUNTING)

(ROARING)

Oh, no!

(GRUNTING)

Come on, Eddie! Quit playing around !

-P-p-please! -Oh ! Help!

(SCREAMING)

I wasn't worried. Were you?

(SCREECHING)

(SCREAMING, GIBBERING)

(ROGER RETCHING)

-Hey, look! -Hey, look!

(SPRINGING NOISE)

Holy smoke! He's a Toon !

-Surprised? -Not really.

That lamebrain freeway idea could only be cooked up by a Toon.

Not just any Toon !

(HISSING)

-(GASPS) -Remember me, Eddie?

When I killed your brother, I talked

(SHRILL SCREECHING) just like this!

-(PANTING) -Jumpin' jeepers. Oh !

(GRUNTING)

Oh, my goodness! Oh, no!

(BUZZING)

(WHIMPERING)

-(PANTING) -(SAW BUZZING)

Huh?


(GASPING, SHRIEKING)

(JESSICA GASPING)

Good-bye, my darling. Good-bye!

(SCREAMING)

Oh ! I think I'm gonna faint.

(SHRIEKING)

Oh, no!

I'm melting !

(SCREECHING)

I'm melting ! Melting !

(SCREECHING)

(HISSING, BUBBLING)

(JESSICA GASPING)

Eddie! Do something !

Hurry up, Eddie!

Do something !

(CRASHING)

(BIRDS SINGING)

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

Eddie, there's dip everywhere! How are we gonna get down?

(GRUNTING)


Jeepers, Eddie, that was a close shave.

I thought for sure our goose was cooked !

Oh !

My hero.

-Oh, honey bunny. -Oh, love cup.

(KISSING)

Oh, Roger, you were a pillar of strength.

(SIREN WAILING)

Sister Mary Francis! What the hell happened in here?

I've been a cab for 37 years and I've never seen a mess like this!

DOLORES: What was that, a rubber mask?

Yeah.

And this is the rope from the safe that was dropped on Acme.

I think your lab boys will find that paint's a perfect match.

-Judge Doom killed Marvin Acme. -And R. K. Maroon.

And my brother.

That's what I call one seriously disturbed Toon.

(CHATTERING)

Gosh, uh, I wonder who he really was.

I'll tell you one thing, Doc. He weren't no rabbit.

-Or a duck. -Or a dog.

-Or a little wooden boy. -Or a sheep.

-Or a woodpecker. -Or a pussy.

(WOODY LAUGHING)

-What's that? What is that? -It's ink.

That goof Acme squirted me with some the other night.

-Why it's coming out now, I don't know. -Here's your answer, Eddie.

Acme Disappearing Reappearing Ink.

-Boy, that Acme. What a genius! -Applesauce!

If he was such a genius, why didn't he leave his will where we could find it?

Without it, we're just waitin' for another developer's wrecking ball !

-Roger. -Yeah?

That love letter you wrote to your wife in the Ink and Paint Club.

Why don't you read it to her now?

Sure, Eddie. "Dear Jessica, how do I love thee?

"Let me count the ways. I, Marvin Acme, of sound mind and body. . ."

-It's the will ! -Give me!

"Do hereby bequeath in perpetuity

"the property known as Toontown

"to those lovable characters, the Toons!"

(CHEERING)

Hey, Eddie, that was a pretty funny dance you did for the weasels.

Do you think your days of being a sourpuss are over?

-Only time will tell. -Yeah. Well, put it there, pal.

Yeah.

(BUZZING)

-(GASPING) -(GULPS)

Don't tell me you lost your sense of humor already.

(GASPS)

Does this answer your question?

(KISSING)

-Blech ! Bleah ! -(CHEERING)

Come on, Roger, let's go home.

I'll bake you a carrot cake.

(LAUGHING)

(SINGING) SmiIe, darn ya, smiIe You know, this oId worId is a great worId after aII

(GUNFIRE)

Smile, darn ya, smile And right away watch Iady Iuck pay you a caII Things are never bIack as they are painted Time for you and joy to get acquainted Okay, m-m-move along. T-T-There's nothing else to see.

That's all, folks.

Hmm. I like the sound of that.

T-T-T-T-That's all, folks!

(LAUGHING)

(ORCHESTRA MUSIC PLAYING)


(JAZZ PLAYING)


(ORCHESTRA MUSIC)


(SLOW JAZZ)


(ORCHESTRA MUSIC)


(SLOW JAZZ)