Who's Minding the Store? (1963) Script

Mrs Tuttle expecting you, gentlemen. She's in the library.

You got that Mr. Salisbury? Yes Ms Tuttle.

New paragraph.

The entire block in downtown Kansas City between the streets mentioned previously to be cleared of all existing structures and the erection of the 25th Tuttle Department Store... to begin not later than... Oh, not later than June the 1st.

That will be all, Mr. Salisbury.

Come in, gentlemen.

Your daughter, Barbara, evidently met Norman Phiffier during the first week in January. We cannot ascertain the exact date.

January, that's when she left home. Go on, go on...

I want to know all about him. Mr. Phiffier is 26.

He was born in Weehawken, New Jersey. Weehawken?

Mr. Phiffier lost his parents early. No other family.

Public school education to the fifth grade.

And Barbara was educated at Wellesley. Graduated with honors.

What can they possibly have in common? Continue Mr. Orlandos!

Mr. Phiffier has worked as a delivery boy at Macys, theater usher at the New York Paramount, caddy at the Larchmont country club, a TV repairman in the Bronx.

And Mr Phiffier also attempted to become a mailman, but failed the test.

How can anyone fail becoming a mailman?

Sloping shoulders, the bag kept slipping off.

Mr. Phiffier has also tried other means of employment, not all listed here. Never mind the details.

Apparently he can't hold a job. What is he doing now?

Mr Phiffier is at present employed as a poodle dog walker and animal sitter.

I'm not sure I heard you.

I said Mr Phiffier is at present employed as a poodle dog walker and animal sitter.

Now I'm sure I heard you. Will you kindly tell me what that means.

Well as a poodle dog walker, Mr Phiffier walks poodle dogs... for busy poodle dog owners.

And as an animal sitter he... sits with animals as a baby sitter who sits with a baby.

Invariably the creature he sits with are neurotic cats or paranoid parakeets.

Are you ready with the film? Yes, Mr Orlandos.

A slope shouldered Weehawken born animal sitter and poodle dog walker...

I just can't wait to see him!

Mrs Tuttle, this first reel of film was taken with our hidden camera after certain financial arrangements have been completed with the owner of the lunch counter where Mr Phiffier has his noon hour repas.

You must be joking!

I wish I were Mrs Tuttle, but alas that is Norman Phiffier.

My daughter cannot be in love with...

She can't be that ill!

He's a human disposal! All that's missing is a switch.

And at least he washes.

He does have lovely manners.

Now this next scene, Mrs Tuttle... show Mr Phiffier his present occupation.

Fifi! Easy! Marcelo, Marcelo slow down!


Here Tonya... stay away from Murray!

Easy... there's a tree!

Hey! There's a tree.

A fine sense of coordination.

Listen, there's a tree!

Marvelous! That must be the end of him.

Not quite Mrs Tuttle. He landed in another tree across the street.

But he was well enough to take your daughter to a motion picture that evening.

These next films were also photographs by our secret camera as he walked your daughter Barbara back to her apartment.

Now would yo look where she chooses to live, when she could be living here!

Oh, no!

Barbara stop it!

Oh, I've seen enough! But we have five more reels, Mrs. Tuttle.

Well, leave them here! I'll burn them.

I'd rather know I never saw my daughter’s temporary insanity.

You bring up a child, gives her the best of everything money can buy... and she meets a thing like that!

Falls in love, moves out of this into some run down brown stone... changes her name so that no one will know she is an heiress... work incognito in one of my stores, one of the stores she will eventually inherit...

If I may make a suggestion Mrs Tuttle? Yes.

We have ascertained that Mr Phiffier, in spite of his multitude in the shortcomings is a proud young man bent on making his own way in the world.

A word to him that Barbara is wealthy, and not the poor working girl he believes her to be... his pride would make him end the relationship!

My daughter and I are far apart as it is.

If I ever openly interfered in this... romance, she'll never forgive me. I'll never get her back.

There has to be another way! She's weak minded... just like her father.

I'm going to the office, dear. Oh oh! Excuse me, I didn't know you...

Yes, dear. You're going to the office. Yes, thank you, dear. Thank you.

Oh! Just like her father! That will be all Mr Orlandos.

You mean there will be no further need of our services?

I think not. I like to have a listen myself.

Going up!

Good morning, Mr. Tuttle! Good morning, Miss Fuller!

Close please!

Ladies lingerie? Fourth floor.

Panties, bras, girdles. I need all of them.

Panties, bras, girdles? My... how professional we're getting.

How are you, father? How are you, Miss Fuller?

Miss Fuller is just fine.

I understand, but don't tell your mother I understand.

How is mother?

Please. You'll put me off my game. Let's talk about something pleasant, like...

How is your secret romance? Oh, it's just wonderful.

It must be. You look radiant. Why shouldn't I be?

I finally found someone who loves me for me.

Not that I'm a Tuttle heiress, but me the elevator girl.

When will I get to meet him?

I'll introduce him to you after we're married, and it's too late for him to get away from me and my inheritance.

Why? Doesn't he like money?

Of course. But only if he earned it himself.

Oh dad. He's the first real honest boy I've ever met.

Well, as your mother always says, you have to made your choice.

Either be rich or honest. Good for him!

Nurse, this patient is suffering from a ruptured spleen, a dislocated kidney, and his eyes are bloodshot.

Right after this operation, Bosley. It's bedtime for you. Don't forget.


Did you forget the anesthesia?

Don't worry about it, Bosley. TV actors never die.

Well in this case anyhow. Because he is a TV doctor. And he has to be on next week.

Patients die. They can't do that with the doctors.

Don't be concerned about them now. Just don't worry about it.

Old Ben will take care of 'em. That's Ben you know, behind that mask.

He isn't even smiling.

Hell, we've gone this far. Just hold on.

I don't know how see television, anyhow. Through all that hair.

Give a look and maybe you'll see something. You'll stop eating. Here... take a peek.

And now, some scenes from next week's show. "The Case of the Missing Kidney".

Ok Bosley. That's it. It's beddie time. Come on! We're going to bed.

Here we go sweetheart. Swing 'em. Come on.

No! You're tired, now there's no point in walking. Come on sweetheart! Here we go.

Wait Bosley! Bosley!

Bosley, here we go! Come on baby.

Oh, not to me, Bosley. I love you. Here, look don't growl. Look how good?

Here see? He growled... Come, Bosley! Let's go.

Tuttle Department Store.

Mr. Quimby's office, please.

Quimby here! You're out of breath, Quimby.

Yes. I... I'm working late. Long day.

Oh don't put me on Quimby. You've had at least three Scotches... and you're winded from chasing your pretty secretary.

But no worry, Quimby. I'll okay a next raise.

I've always considered you not only my boss, but a dandy friend Mrs Tuttle.

How's my daughter doing?

Barbara? Oh she's doing fine. Makes smooth stops.

Barbara is not doing fine!

Barbara is in love with an imbecile!

Oh! Not Barbara! She's too intelligent.

Well, look what I married!

Yes, Mrs. Tuttle. Now listen, Quimby.

I want you to hire this booblay of hers...

I want him to work at the store so that they'll be thrown together every day.

I want you to give this nut every impossible dirty job there is.

I know you've trouble holding jobs.

We make it tough enough on him, he'll quit.

And Barbara will see for herself that he is not the man for her.

You understand, Quimby?

Yes, Mrs Tuttle. I like the way you think.

Now go back to your honeypot. Yes... I mean, no, no Mrs. Tuttle.

Am I disturbing you dear? Oh come in, darling.

Come and tell me all about your day at the office. Hmmm.

Well dear, I did manage to make a few putts I was rather proud of, you know.

You know dear, I think if I had a... sort of a green rug on my office floor, I...I might even do better.

You know it might give me the impression I was... right out there on a real golf course.

Now I'll have Quimby install one tomorrow. They're on sale.

Blue grass green. Blue grass green? Oh that's nice.

In bed, wait. It Beddie bye bye!

Bosley don't fight it! You have to get your rest!

You're almost a year old. Don't you want to grow?

Bosley! Don't fight it. You have to sleep a few hours, then we...

Good. Your mommy and daddy home.

Hi Norman! I'm sorry to bother you at work.

Yeah, some work. Putting puppy to sleep. Some work. Come on in.

I've got good news!

The only good news is I'll never save up enough money for us to get married.

That's the only good news.

No! You can start working at Tuttle's tomorrow.

T...Tuttles where you work? Yes! I was talking to Mr Quimby.

What's a Quimby? Norman, don't get so excited.

Well, I am excited! I'll see you every day where you work. And I... What's Quimby...

Mr. Quimby is the manager of Tuttle's department store.

And tonight, coming down in the elevator... he was telling me how impossible it is to find bright young men for those important jobs at the store.

Yeah. And you... bright young... And you told him about me?

Yes. Now I told him you were just a friend because they don't approve of employee romances.

Remember you're just my friend and he wants to see you tomorrow.

Yeah, okay. I'll remember. I'm just a friend.

Yeah, but friends don't kiss, so... I'll take that back.

Tomorrow I go into the store and I start right in.

The first thing I'm going to do...

I'm gonna wash in the morning. Because it is better that you have it clean.

And then I'll wear my new suit, the one that's pressed stiff...

You'd walk like that, which is like a regiment.

That's the... then I'll walk in, I'll stay like cool, I won't be... you know excited.

I'll just walk in and have a heart attack and faint.

You think I'll do good. I...? Of course you will!

You just need an opportunity. You've never had one.


Getting a job! Wow...!

We can save money.

We can... I can... You no save. I save... I save money!

And then, I'll buy the engagement ring.

And then we can get married soon.

Yeah. That's it. And then you quit your job and then I can babysit for our children, instead of cats and parakeets and dogs like Bosley there. Bosley! Bosley!

Bosley, come back here! You wait here!

No! I'm coming with you! We do everything together.

Alright! Hurry up.

Oh darling, are you hurt?

Yeah, but it's a good hurt. Because of you.

Oh, darling...

I can't believe it. You're so beautiful and...

And what?

Well, you're the first person I ever met that I really trust.

Darling! Just remember that I love you.

Love and trust. They're the same thing.

Mr. Phiffier is here.


Mr. Phiffier.

Oh yes, yes! Bring him in! You may have to take notes.

Mr Phiffier. Mr Quimby.

How do you do, Mr. Quimby. I'm very glad.

Mr. Phiffier, sit down.

Yes, thank you.

Well, Mr Phiffier. You certainly come highly recommended.

Highly. Indeed highly.

Oh you must be referring to Ms Barbara Fuller.

Well, she may very well be biased on me. Uh that is... somewhat biased.

Oh! We're friends.

You're modest, Mr Phiffier. Well, that's good.

We need modest and intelligent young men.

Men to learn the mercantile business, from the ground up.

Oh you mean I start from the first floor?

Funny. Funny. Funny. Droll.

Miss Fuller also spoke in glowing terms regarding your honesty.

Oh yes, I believe that honesty is the best...

Policy! Right, my boy! Right.

How do you suppose I got to be the General Manager of this great store? How?

How? How? I'll tell you. I'll tell you.

Go ahead. Go ahead. I will. I will.

By being honest, boy. That's how.

Excuse me. Why? Do you have a cold?

Yes. I did get it while working late last night.

We all worked late around here, Mr Feeffier.

No, that's a Phiffier.

Well, we all work late around here, Mr. Phiffier.

We are all vitally interested in our work. We all want to get to the top.

And in this organization there is a room at the top!

Yeah, well I'll have no trouble with that going to the top because nose bleed don't bother me.

And you will be rewarded, boy.

You will get raises.

Ask Shirley, my secretary, how many raises she has received.

That's right, lots of raises.

That was from doing your job good? That's right.

And you too will do good work.

But first you must get the feel of this great store.

I'll have no trouble with that. I have very sensitive fingertips.

You must get to know every nook and cranny of this great store.

Oh I'm very good in nookying and crannying.

So you agree to start your great climb to success?

Your climb to the very top! I'm ready to climb!

By starting at the very bottom.

Right down below the depths of the bottom deep lowest place where I am I'll start.

You will do the jobs I assign to you and I will watch every move you make.

Right! Right!

Whatever you say!

Here's a list of things I've lined up for you to do.

Now hop to the top, tackle the task, move that mountain, love that labour.

See the personnel manager on the 9th floor, and welcome aboard my boy!

Thank you, Mr Quimble! No no no! It's Quimby, Mr. Feeffier.

No! Phiffier, Mr. Quimble. Oh I... I'm...

If I get married and I get a little kid the birth name it will be yours... little Quimby Phiffier.

Well what if it's a girl? We'll name it Ms Quimby Phi... No.

Thank you very much. When we have a baby we'll name it after you Shirley.

Oh gung ho.

Excuse me, Mr Quimby told me to come down...

Oh please wait inside.

Oh yes. Thank you.

Mr. Quimby's office!

Oh Mrs. Tuttle. Yes. Just a minute please.

Yeah. What do you want? Mrs Tuttle on one.

Yes Mrs Tuttle. Have you met him?

Yes I did. An hour ago.

What job did you give him to do?

I gave him a long list of choice, impossible, dirty jobs.

He must be starting the first one now.

What is it?

He's going to to paint the knob on the end of our flagpole.

The flagpole extending from the 9th floor?

Exactly, Mrs Tuttle.

Mr. Quimby, I like the way you think.

You can see him from your window can't you?

Hang on.


He's crawling out on the flagpole!

Well don't hang up! Tell me every move!

You... stinker you.

He slipped!

Did he fall?

He's... But he's... But he's hanging on.

He's hanging on...

He's going back into the window.

He's disappeared.

Where has he gone? Oh well, maybe he's quit.

Maybe he's gone! I would have get rid of him already.

No! No wait. Wait! He's coming back.

He's at the window again.

What is he doing?

Oh he's smarter than we thought, Mrs. Tuttle.

What do you mean? Come tell me! Speak up!

Why do you mean he's smarter than we thought?

Just what I said, Mrs Tuttle. Just what I said...

I beg your pardon. I... Yes?

Well your secretary isn't here, so I thought I'd barge right in.

Well, I have no secretary. Come right in young man.

Well thanks. I was painting this...

I... was painting the flagpole, you know.

And I couldn't get underneath from above, so I thought I'd come through... and use your window, if you don't mind.

Thank you. Because I have a few little itsy bitsy touches to get yet... and I... thought I could... get it from here... I think.

There's a spot right...

Hey, that's extraordinary!

Goodness! Well you're doing a good job.

Yeah if I get one little fleck there... spot.

Yeah I see it.

Yeah! I got it! Well that's it. Finire.

That's very clever. Making a long brush handle out of a fishing pole.

Thank you very much.

Most man would have been stupid enough to crawl out there on that pole to do that.

I don't believe anyone be that stupid to go out on a flagpole...

I mean... How could anyone be so stupid?

Well, conditioning would do it. Take me for instance.

I'd have been stupid enough to have done it.

Oh no! I don't think so.

You look like a very intelligent man.

You look... like that... man on the wall.

You look just like this... that's you John P. Tuttle, president of the...

Yes, that's me, old J.P., President. Oh I'm very sorry Mr President.

I'm very sorry. I know you're very busy. It was very nice to have met you.

No! No no. I'm not busy.

Well your brain must be very busy to be a president with a...

Just like an IBM machine. How else you get to be president?

You're new around here, aren't you?

Yes sir. My very first day at Tuttles.

Yeah that's right. Otherwise you would have known about me.

Oh! Well I know you're Mr President... and you have a lovely office and...

But you don't look very happy.

You know, I think that you ought to know the facts about me first hand without getting them from rumors at the coffee break.

Now there I am, J.P. Tuttle, President from 1941 to... whenever I shuffle off this mortal coil.

Oh! Don't say that.

Nice people should never shuttle off...

We don't have a nice people enough to go around now yet a bunch...

Well thank you.

And that's P.P. Tuttle. He was President from 1900 to 1941.

That's a very long job.

And that's Z.P. Tuttle.

He was President from 1860 to 1900.

Oh that's when he got a job...

The rest of these fellows date back from 1799, when the firm was started.

But you don't look anything like the rest of them...

Here! Let me show you.

Yes, I would like to see...

It's witchcraft!

That's terrific, the way you...

These are the real presidents. They are all related.

Myself and the other men were just the husbands.

We weren't even named Tuttle.

We changed our names when we married them.

The Tuttle women.

So they were the bosses, huh?

You mean to tell me she bosses you?

She's got the money, son.

Whoever has the money is always in charge.

Never marry a rich woman.

Oh I don't plan to.

The woman I'm going to marry is going to be plain and poor.

And all she's going to do is stay at home and have babies.

I believe a man has gotta be king in his own ranch type style tract house.

You keep thinking that way, son.

Oh yeah, that's the only way I...

That's three. Excuse me, Mr. President... Mr Tuttle...

Sir... if you don't mind my mentioning it.

I think you're holding the club incorrectly.

Oh I don't think I'm very good at holding anything.

Well you should try the new golf practice machine... in the sporting goods department.

Golf practice machine?

Yeah, I saw it this morning. Very good.

Would you like to try it out?

Yes, I would.

Well, I'll show it to you. I'll take your bag for you.

It's a very good thing. Just practice and it's like you're on a gold course.

I'd have been a very good mailman if it wasn't for that.

After you, Mr. President.

I was a caddy when I was very young.

You know, I like you, old man.

Oh, that's good! Very young old man.

Oh! The more I rub the shinier it gets...

Keep rubbing!

Now don't get sore. You look kinda cute all polished up.

Shut up and keep rubbing!

Going down! Going...

Going down?

Sporting goods, please. That's the third floor, sir.

Thank you.

Third floor.

How does this work, son?

This ball is attached to this iron tee.

Now, it won't go nowhere, no matter how hard you hit it.

But it is also attached electronically to that machine... see.

And when you hit the ball... it registers on the machine how far your ball went in yards like as if you were on a link.

I see. Let me try it.

Yeah here. Here's you driver, Mr. President.

Thank you Jackie.

Oh, that was good.

Now, how's this? Is this...?

No no... First you have to approach the ball.

Well, just get right over the ball.

That's it. Now... just don't let the knees...

Well that's good. Although... maybe you could just be a bit more upright.

That's enough. Take the right shoulder down and the right hand out...

Take your left foot back... and yes, left foot back... no that's the right.

You see you have a set.

Now just open the knees... just a little bit, and the toes.

Now just keep your chin down and the eye on the ball.

Open the right arm, if you can.

The left should be stiff... extend it down somewhat.

Now back away, just drop back. That's good.

Now... how does that feel? Just keep your head down.

No... but on the ball. The eye on the ball and the head down.

Good? Now how does that feel? Is that good that way?

Now! You ready?

Keep your around it and swing and hit that thing!

Good! Look at that!

260 yards! My boy, you've made a golfer out of me!

But next time you'll even do better. If you let me show you.

Will I?

Yeah! If you hold the club... like so and keep you eye on the ball, and aim... and just easily...

This is my first day! Come, come come on.

What a swing! Still going!

Yeah, but where is it going?

Oh...This is one of those days...

So he painted the flagpole successfully.

But don't concern yourself, I'm on my toes.

1,250 yards and still going!

Oh! Thirteen is my unlucky number! I hope it stops!

1300! Let's go Mr Tuttle. I told you, 13 is my unlucky number!

He doesn't have any confidence left.

That rich wealthy wife of his, is gonna ruin him.

And he's the nicest guy I ever met in my whole life.

I think I've seen him in the elevator. Well, he and I are very very good pals.

I'll introduce you. Oh no. Don't do that.

They're against employees going together.

They might fire us. I told you.

Oh yeah, that's right, I forgot.

How did you like dinner, darling? Oh! Just great.

You never once went for a can opener or a frozen food.

You found a whole new fresh way of cooking.

I think everything should be fresh, don't you?


Romance should be fresh, food should be fresh.

Marriage should be fresh. Yeah, it certainly should.

Yeah, fresh...

Everything will be fresh with us, darling.

Yeah. Don't you worry.

Once we're married, I'll be the freshest husband you ever saw in your whole life.

Be fresh with me now, Norman!

Oh wait!

Oh Barbara, we're not married yet.

I love you.

I know dearest...

But I... I'm trying to save up $850 for down payment... for our Ranch type style tract house in Queens.

We could live here!

Okay, but you love that house.

I love you!

Barbara, please not on a full stomach.

Oh marry me!

You like the way I cook.

Yeah, but I'm getting a little heartburn.






Could I save up at least fifty dollars?

Oh! We could live here!

I have a single bed!

You win baby. Go ahead.

Norman! Norman!

Mrs. Tuttle on one.

Good morning, boss! What are our plans for today, Quimby?

I am putting Mr Norman Phiffier in the lady shoe department.

Lady shoe department? What does that accomplish?

At exactly 12:32, a lady will arrive to purchase a pair of shoes.

And that particular lady is a professional lady I have engaged.

Professional? What profession?

A lady wrestler. Champion lady wrestler.

I like the way you think, Mr. Quimby.

I can't wear that on. Oh! No!

No, that's terrible tight. I can't!

I know, but I can't get that one on.

Well just wait one second. Maybe... My shoe horn.

Try it now. It might be a little more comfortable.

Oh! Yes. Oh... How is that?

Still... Oh oh... your foot is in the box.

Yes, still seems quite tight.

Oh... It's not the most comfortable shoe I've ever had on.

Oh... your thumb is in there, young man!

Oh heavens. Would you watch it, please?

They were made for you.

Oh. Thank you. They are very attractive aren't they.

They are really very very nice looking.

I'm glad you like it. Yes, I think I'll take the other pair.

The other...

These you mean?


Well, you'd never know the difference. They're almost identical.

Is that cash or charge? That will be a charge.

A charge.

Thank you very much.

Here you are Mrs Glucksman. I'm sure you'll be very happy.

Thank you young man.

You're welcome. Thank you very much.


Hi, Norman!

How are things going?

Oh just great. I'm really getting a feel of shoes now.

Oh good.

This morning I sold... four pairs of shoes to a basketball team.

There would have been five pairs but one guy was on penalty.

Wonderful! Oh, that's not all.

A man walks in this morning with a little girl.

And he said I'd like to get golf shoes for her.

I said, well sneakers are good enough, you know.

Help me please!

Oh watch! Show you how I operate.

Go ahead.

Something you women would like? That is...

Could I show you something in shoes?

My feet, I hope.

Oh! That is good. Yes, the size and style?

Black spring eliter, size three.

Size... three?


Size three?

Something the matter with your hearing aid?

Oh no, I could turn it up... What I meant was... size three it is.

The customer... black spring eliter. Just excuse me one moment.

Size three it is.

Black spring eliter.

One of our very very loveliest model.

May I... size three.

Must have had this on for some time.

You've been a ... Chinese with a cement by chance?

Yup... this should be perfect.

I'll be judge of that. Slip em on.

Yes, you certainly will. And I'll slip them right on.

That should be...

They're not slipping very well, are they?

If I could just grab one of these, maybe the others will follow.

This should be okay if you don't mind cold heels.

Slip the other one on. Slip the other one on!

Well... ok. Customer is always right. Would you mind?

Oh! It's a set.

That's what the air is like, I suppose.

Well, it looks like we gonna have to...

Just let me get up.

Good to hold here!

Are you making improper advances to me!

My back is to you, lady. My back is to you.

I'm not making anything. I'm just trying to...

Your wife is on the phone.

Hang up. Yes sir.

Would you cut that out!

Lady... lady.

Would you put that shoe on!

We need to please our customers lady, and I'm getting...

Would you cut that out!

Would you wait one second!

Norman, watch out!

Wait lady. Lady don't go...

Lady, let me just get... Here, it will take a second. Let me just...

Ma’am, ma’am. Lady! Let me... Wait a second...

Well you're crazy?

The boots? Boots will be good. Lady! Wait lady. What...?

Lady, what's with the boots!

Lady! Just for shoes?


That's was a smarter! Alright, who's the wise guy?

Get away from me!

Go already!

Come on! Hurry it up will ya!

Good morning, Norman! Oh! Good morning, Shirley!

Still on your way to the top?

Yeah, but I don't know how far I'm going.

You can go as far as you want. Why don't you give me a jingle.

I'm in the phone book.

Under Welcome, you big, strong, handsome man.

She's right boy.

Go on, that's right boy.

Ready, Herman? Yeah, Mabel.

Ah you see, Mr Pepper... No! that's Phiffier, Mr Kastonten.

Not Kastonten, Mr Cahastrophe. The T is silent.

Yes, I'm terribly sorry.

It's Mr Cahastrophe. Excellent, Mr Fuber.

No, there's no Fu. First you have a Paf. It's Phiffier.

There's no Fife and Fuf and Puf. It's Phiffier. This is easy.

What's your first name?


Irving? Erving... Now come along.

Yeah, well my name is Norman. See that would be easy...

What am I doing...?

Hey just a minute!

This is important.

Yeah, well...

Now that we're acquainted could you tell me what my job is.

All we stock here in the gourmet department is exclusive imported delicacy.

Oh like Swiss cheese from Holland?

You mean EM Cheese from the Netherlands.

No, no. That is common. You can get that in any delicatessen.

Along with hot pastrami. Here we have only gourmet delight.

Here we have Escargot. Oh I dropped my button.

You have what?

Escargot. Snails.

Like from on a lawn? In all assorted flavours. Now come along!

Now there is a stock... roasted grasshoppers.

Unfortunately, we have an oversupply of roasted grasshoppers.

Yes I see. Too many roasted grasshoppers.

Do you understand, Mr. Puffer?

So we must now push the roasted grasshoppers.

Push the roasted...

To every customer you must say

"May I please suggest nice, fresh, roasted grasshoppers".

And another item we must push because of oversupply, are these.

Toasted black ants in scent free salt. Toasted black ants in scent free salt.

Oh that's almost better than roasted grasshoppers.


Oh they look just elegant. Have some. Go ahead. Have some.

You must taste them. You can't tell a customer how it taste unless you taste them!

And they're just... Mmm.

Go ahead. Test them, taste them.

You must recommend how good they really are.

Oh they're very... Yeah ok perfectly toasted...

Eat! Yes now...

What are you going to push? I'm going... myself off a tall building.

Now speak up! What are you going to push? I'm going to push... toasted grass... grasshoppers and and ... ants and those are very...

Repeat. What you going to push?

I'm going to push all of the grasshoppers... and the toasted ants. I understand!

Very good indeed! Great! Good work Puffer.

Norman are you alright? Oh I'm fine, fine.

I'll meet you in an hour.

An hour?

For lunch!

Now remember Phiffier.

There's nothing to sell, everything's on sale and automatically sells itself.

Yes, I understand. I'm ready.

You're sure you're ready?

Well yeah. What's to be ready for? Ladies going shopping... that's...

What are so nervous about?

Alright Jerome. Open the doors!

Hey! Give me that tie!

Let me have that coat! Did you think I'm going to give it up now...!

Lady. This coat is not... Lady! Lady that's my... Lady!

Lady! My coat!

That's it! You can't buy this... That's it!

Can anyone find a pair of shorts?

Just a minute!

Wait a minute! Wait! Those are mine. I bought them at Macy's.

Those are mine! Wait a minute!

Cover me!


Yes, sir. Mr. Quimby sir.

If we can get that ... through the jungle!

Yes sir, Mr. Quimby! Here I am, sir!

Mr Phiffier, could you be stealing the TV set?

Me stealing, Mr. Quimby? Oh, I'd never steal anything.

If I recollect correctly, Mr Phiffier, you're supposed to be working in the mattress department today.

Oh yeah. I am working in the mattress department today.

And then what are you doing here?

Well I was just merely trying to satisfy a charge customer you see, sir.

A lady that wanted to see on a mattress just how good the TV set was so I borrowed two ladders.

And I put a surfboard on top of two ladders that I borrowed from the Hawaiian hooky hula department.

I just wanted to satisfy a charge customer so I can be... the greatest salesman, just like you. You who are my idol, Mr Quimby.

If I ever turn out to be as good as you I shall really live and breathe the air of kings.

Oh If I could ever be like you. Oh boy.

It'd never be...

Please hurry up. I getting sleepy.

Yes, ma'am. Sorry ma'am.

How's that?

This mattress is very comfortable for TV viewing but I could tell better if you had larger TV set like the one I have.

Oh well. What size is that ma’am?

"Channel Master" color set, 30 inch screen.

Thirty? Yes ma’am.

30 inch "Channel Master"

How's that ma'am?


Lady, you're sleeping through your nap!

Oh miss! Lady!

Narvalo, darling! Narvalo!

No! I'm Norman. My name is Norman.

I wanted to know if...

Oh Narvalo, oh darling!

You've come back to me! Oh darling! You're back again! You're mine again.

Oh darling! Narvalo! You've come back to me, darling.

I'm Norman!

Fifi... Phiffier!

Lady, this is no way to buy a mattress. Lady, I'm Norman.

Lady, I'm Norman!

Mr. Quimby!

Watch it.

I hope you feel better soon, Mr. Quimby.

Oh Mr. Quimby, are you alright? I'm terribly sorry.

Oh you clonker! Get out of the way you...!

That boy! He's gonna drive me crazy!

Norman! Norman, what happened?


I heard there was an accident in the mattress department.

That's right. Mr. Quimby's right. Everything I touch goes wrong.

Oh! That's not true.

I've never done anything right. Never!

Listen, darling...

No! You should get yourself another guy. I am a loser.

Norman, don't say that!

No, it's true.

You should get yourself a guy that isn't as accident prone.

I have found my guy!


I found my fellow!

What? I can't hear you! Oh! Come in here.

I'm telling you. What I'm telling you is right.

You should really get to somebody, I'm...

I said I found my fellow. It's you.

No wonder everything is going wrong. Look at the jobs they're giving you.

As though they're trying to give you the worst job they can think of.

And I'm proud of you for not giving it up, for sticking to it.

Don't you understand, Norman. I'm proud of you and I love more than I ever did?

You're honest and you try hard.

What more could any girl want from the boy she's going to marry?

And besides, there's something else about you that makes you perfect.

What.. What's this something else?

You have sexy lips.

Ladies and gentlemen, the great Tuttle department store is proud to bring you this great demonstration...

In this window, you see Mr. Norman Phiffier tiring himself out... to show the greatness of the great Tuttle mattress.

Mr Phiffier has been on the exercise bike for three hours and is tired enough to go to sleep right now.

Right Mr. Phiffier?

Oh but Tuttle's Department store doesn't think he's tired enough.


Mr. Phiffier is now going to walk around this great Tuttle store so that her gets even more tired.

And here he comes, ladies and gentlemen! Mr. Phiffier on his very first lap.

Let's give him a big hand.

And here comes Mr. Phiffier, on his tenth lap around the great Tuttle Department store.

Look at that boy move.

And ladies and gentlemen, here comes Mr Phiffier on his 56th lap.

Isn't that boy doing fine? That's fine, Norman.

Here, Norman. Stop. Have some water.

Just what are you trying to do, Mr. Quimby?

Do? Do what Barbara?

It seems to me you're making things as difficult as possible for Norman.

You mean... your friend Norman?

I think I see, Mr Quimby.

Hello? Yes?

Aah! Well...

Barbara! This is a surprise.

Darling, I've had your room redone. It's so pretty. You'll love it, I know you will.

Thank you very much mother, but I'm sure I've outgrown the color scheme you've picked out for me.

And you can be sure that I know what you're trying to do to Norman and it isn't going to work.

Rubbish! You're a Tuttle woman! You couldn't possibly love him.

I love him and I'm going to marry him.

You can give me a wedding present if you please, please just disinherit me!

You will never marry him.

Mother, if you do one more thing to interfere with Norman and me...

I promise you, you will never see me again.

Barbara, you've made a terrible mistake.

The only mistake I ever made was being born without a mother.

You have that, Shirley?

Yes sir. Memo to ladies sportswear department.

The bikini cut ski pants are now selling for the month sale next Monday.

And now the toy department.

Memo to the buyer. Order 3 carloads of disintegrator guns, 5 carloads of spacesuits and 12 carloads of approved and semi-harmless atomic bombs.

You got it? Yes, sir.

That's the new elevator operator.

Isn't she beautiful?

Are you drunk, Quimby?

Your daughter Barbara just bought a wedding gown in our bridal shop. and told Ms Johnson that she was getting married in one week.

Well it can't happen!

But frankly Mrs Tuttle, this boy Phiffier is a dynamo.

Nothing stops him.

Forgive me for saying this but this boy has character.

And I know what character is! I remember when I had it.

Oh! Shut up Quimby. Let me think.

I've got one week to stop this terrible tragedy. Let me think.

What are you supposed to be? A Boy Scout leader?

I'm a great white hunter. Ha ha. What did you ever catch?

The measles. Now beat it you drunken kid before I shoot you!

Do you work here? Are a salesman?

Well, not until I sell something. I'm new in the store...

Show me your elephant guns. Elephant guns? Yes right this way.

We have...

My heavens. If it isn't.

Aren't you Emily Rothgraber, the famous big game hunter?

No autographs. Just show me your elephant guns!

Oh Miss Rothgraber! I see you on the television all the time!

You look the same in person.

What a powerful woman! To watch when you had that gorilla... and he jumped all over, and you hit one shot and roped it...

And that boa constrictor when he opened up and ate the cameraman and the camera and part of the rock!

A greatest wrestling where you tie that snake and you ripped it and broke it also.

It was fantastic! You've gotta be the bravest woman in the whole world!

Are you married? No, no, not yet.

Well if you were, then your wife would be the bravest woman in the world.

Now get me an elephant gun! Yes, I certainly will.

And you're strong. And you would have to be because these are very heavy guns...

Give me some shells!

Shells? Oh you mean elephant shells?

No! No you see I am going canary hunting with this gun.

Of course, I mean elephant shells! Yes I thought what it was...

Here you are. Elephant shells. And they're very good.

But that was a good gag about the canary.

The action is slow on this gun. Get me a Browning elephant gun.

A brown elephant gun? Brown... ING!

Brown-ing. Oh well. Here is a Browning.

It's just as heavy as the other one, but that’s the newest, finest Browning big game gun.

That's really a... Well if you ever shot in a canary...

Much better. I'll take it. Oh good. A sale!

I mean... A charge.

A charge. Yeah. Charge.

Thank you very much, Miss Rothgraber! We'll charge it.

Big white hunter! Lousy TV show anyhow... with monkeys, orangutans and giraffes!

And point!

Very good, Mr. President Tuttle sir! That was a fine pot.

You're doing just great, Mr President Tuttle sir?

Getting better eh, son?

Better? My heavens. Your grip is magnificent. Your stance is excellent. You got it all made now.

Thanks to you boy. And how are you doing?

Oh just fine, thank you.

I'm giving a little wedding Sat... that is I'm getting married Saturday.

And well I need a best man.

I trust my girl. And I trust you and...

I can't think of anything nice than having the two people I trust at my wedding.

Norman, you honor me.

Oh! Well thank you very much, Mr. Tuttle. It's just that I want you for my best man.

I haven't been a man much less a best man since I get married myself.

Where is your wedding taking place?

Oh! Well my girl picked a cute little chapel.

And it's beautiful... with a bell...

No chapel Norman! You're going to get married in my house.

Boy I've got a house is so big, I get lost going to the bathroom.

Oh I'm awfully sorry, but my girl is very high class and she would never have a wedding in the bath.

The last wedding that took place in that house was my own.

I've got to get the smell of that out of the place.

Boy, I got a big elegant place.

We got lawns and gardens and marble staircase and a great big cathedral organ!

Oh that's magnificent. I couldn't think... I can't think... Excuse me.

What... what about the little woman?

Got to consider her. Well as you said, Phiffier...

A man has gotta be king in his own ranch type style tract house!

And I'm beginning to feel like a king.

You bring your girl over to my house, Norman. I'm sure she'll love it.

You're very confident now. That's wonderful.

And I shall bring her. And I'll surprise her.

I won't tell her that she's going to meet you.


I could just see this. A wedding with a garden and a chapel and an organ.

And a girl dancing with bells ringing from organ chapelling...

What a beautiful here, comes my friend, all dressed in twang, I have a ...

I don't understand you JP! I really don't understand you!

The very idea of you turning over our home to a couple of minor employees for their dreary wedding...

I'm not turning over our home. I'm turning over our house.

Our house has never been our home, Mrs. Tuttle.

What did you say?

A man has got to be king in own ranch type style tract house.

That's a quote Mrs. Tuttle What happened to you?

I made a 15 foot putt in my great big empty office today...

That's what happened to me.

Moreover I made that 15 foot putt on that great big piece of bluegrass green carpet you were so kind as to give me.

Not that that was what that make the difference you understand?

The difference was I can putt. You understand?

Putt putt putt putt putt.

Not only can I putt putt. I can talk talk talk. And I'm talking to you!

You who drove our daughter away from this house!

I did not drive her away!

No, you're quite right. She had the good sense to escape from you.

More sense than I ever had!

Well I didn't want her to marry a boob.

And why not?

Why shouldn't she marry a boob? You did!

All you Tuttle women married boobs!

That's the only kind of men that have married Tuttle women.

Oh! Get out of my house!

Now, you've said it! That's right! Your house!

But tonight I'm entertaining two minor employees at dinner!

Well you entertain them alone! I'm going to bed!

Good! That's the best news I've heard!

They won't have to meet you. Go! Go to bed!

Well honey, I hope your secret romance is half the man Norman Phiffier is.

Norman, I don't understand.

Wait. You'll see. It's a surprise.

How can I see?

When we get there, you'll see.

Alright Norman. I trust you.

You get to meet our best man. And I trust him.

No peeking. And wait!

Here driver. Keep the change. I work at Tuttles.

Thank you very much sir.

Come on, dear.

That's it.

Mr. President, I'd like you to meet Barbara.

Barbara, this is Mr Tuttle.

Miss Fuller... Mr. Tuttle... This is our best man.

He's the best friend I have beside you.

Well, I... I know Miss Fuller. She's one of our elevator operators.

Oh yes. I believe I've seen you in the elevator, Mr Tuttle.

So you two are going to get married?

Well I couldn't be more pleased.

Thank you, dad. I couldn't be happier dear.

Oh! You act like you know one another all your life.

And you just met.

That's good.

Thank you, Mr. Tuttle.

Don't hold high.

Hey, you! Oohh.

I'm leaving your house!


Mrs Tuttle on one, sir.

Hello, Mrs. Tuttle?

Quimby, how are you?


Going insane waiting to hear from you.

That baboon of a boy has just about rigged the good name of Tuttle.

I thought you said he had character?

But there's no place in business for a man of character!

His sincerity could ruin the world!


That's why we the innocents here must be in charge.

Relax. I have a plan.

Well tell me, tell me!

I'll come with anything to get rid of him!

Well I'm on my way in. I can't trust this to a telephone.

I'll be there in ten minutes.

Now this machine will not only wash your husband's clothes, but it will also wash your husband.

I might add. This carries a lifetime guarantee.

Oh! That's good.

I'm just about to be married and my marriage is going to last longer than a lifetime.

And he must be a very lucky man.

And rich too. He's already saved up $790.

Only $60 to go.

No, with the quarterly interest, dear, it is now $793 with only $57 to go.

Like I said, he's a rich man.

Well, marrying you is what makes him rich, miss.

How very gallant you are, dear.

Oh, it's nothing at all dear.

Appliance salesman!

Salesman! Is there no one in this department?

Where's the manager? Appliance salesman!

Yes ma'am... Ooh!

Where is Francois?

Oh! Francois is he the chauffeur? Well he's fine.

He's with the nurse. He... He's fixing his foot.

Well, was there something you wanted to purchase, madam?

I did purchase something. I purchased this vacuum cleaner... in this store, six years ago. And now it doesn't operate.

Oh well I'm terribly sorry. But there is no guarantee on anything beyond...

My guarantee is my personal friendship with Phoebe Tuttle.

Oh! Oh you mean Mrs Tuttle, this... from this...

Oh! Well the guarantee and the warranty on this particular item is for years.

What seems to be the trouble with this one?

Well, the suction is weak. My carpets are 3 inches thick and...

3 inches thick?

You better not ever invite Mickey Rooney or you'll never be able to find him.

3 inches thick! Mickey Rooney!

Well, let's see if we can figure this out.

So you're suffering from a weak suction, eh?

Well that will never do. You have to have a strong suction.

Really pull in.

What are you doing?

Well you see in these newer models, very often the wires get criss crossed. Understand?

You see what I mean? No.

You see if this red wire here ever makes a direct contact with the yellow by the elongation of the wire.

Then naturally it's going to short out and you won't get...

Now I think that by... getting at the entire wire section back after the snipping and the cutting...

I think you'll find that this might very possibly work better than it did originally.

Are you sure it will operate now?

Oh well, I never lost a patient yet.

You just stand right by and watch this. And if it doesn't work, I'll be a monkey's uncle.

You should get a much stronger suck in suction now.

My pearls!

Isn't it's in the works, ma'am?

Turn it off!

The switch doesn't work. Alright do something!

And in a moment the toast pops up.

You see why I'm almost crazy!

Oh please! Let me do it myself!

You're mad!

Oh my shoes! Oh somebody!

My hat! My shoes!

No no no no no!

Oh my corset!

No no no!

You idiot!

Oh oh dad. I see mother.

Oh oh! That's trouble. Come on. Don't let her see us.

Where's my dog? Where's my Fifi?

Oh oh... My Fifi!

You sucked my Fifi in!

You brute! You're mad!

You are a monster!

You... You're insane! You're a monster!

Hold on, Fifi!

Here we come, baby.

He's got a knife! He's gonna blow up that!

Mrs Tuttle, I think you're right!

What do you all want? It's nothing I'm gonna do...

Relax! Take it easy. Isn't it...? I'm just going to give a little...

Then it's gonna... Psst! That's it.


Help me, Mrs. Tuttle!

Fifi! Where are you?

Don't worry. I...I... Here... see? She's fine.

Oh Fifi!

Fifi's alright. Here... Here's Fifi.

We shall never trade in this store again!

Well I'm terribly sorry ma'am.

You hear Phoebe Tuttle? We shall never trade in this store again!

I don't blame you, Hazel.

I'm terribly sorry, but...

Oh! I saw your picture in Mr Tuttle's office.

You're Mrs. Tuttle?

Isn't this yours Mrs Tuttle? It was.

Well, let me put it back all the way it was...

I'll just... see how it's almost a perfect fit.

Maybe if you look... you see you could still... peek through it...

Take your stupid hands off me, you imbecile!

Take your stupid hands off...

Mother, stop it!

Well, I told you I was sorry Mrs. Tuttle... Mother?

That's Mrs Tuttle, Phoebe Tuttle that owns this store.

This store and 25 other stores.

And they will all be inherited my daughter, Barbara Tuttle. You hear me?

Do you hear me? By my daughter, Barbara Tuttle!

Norman... I hear.

Norman, son... I... I...

And you too. I trusted you also.

And the other night when we came up to the house.

You knew it was your daughter all the time... and you didn't say anything.

Son, I want you two to get married.

I'm all for it!

Yeah sure... and then wind up in a big empty office putting the rest of my life?

No thanks.

I think I'm better off with the poodle dog walking service. If you don't mind.


Happy, my dear?

Oh daddy.




Mutt! Mutt! Wait for me!

Mutt! Wait for me!