MORTON: He's a madman!
I must warn the president!
And they say you scientists are supposed to be smart.
BELLE: The legendary Captain James West.
And I finally got him all to myself.
And surely you should feel free to treat him just...
[MEN WHOOPING AND WHISTLING]
Hold on to that for me for one second, would you?
[HOOF STEPS APPROACHING]
General McGrath's boys. Waiting for y'all for a week, you show up now.
Jim. You wouldn't be working up here tonight, now would you?
Working? Now would you be working if you were up here with you?
I didn't think so.
REB 1: Wagon's coming!
REB 2: Come on, McGrath's waiting on this stuff.
REB 3: Pack it up good, Virgil.
Next stop, New Orleans.
I'm not working!
You can't just ram a man's personal things into some hole like that.
Is that so?
I didn't mean it like that.
REB 4: Damn, this crate's heavy!
Much as I'd like to take credit for that, you might wanna hand me my gun.
That was fun! Which one of you boys wants to strip down and go next?
Bet you do. Huh?
Sure could use some clothes here!
REB 2: Well, well.
We got us a shy nig--
RITA [SINGING]: There was blood on the saddle And blood on the ground And a great big puddle of blood All around
[IN HIGH PITCHED VOICE] Oh, I'm so sorry. That won't be possible. I have...
I'm still waiting on my guns and ammunition.
I see my men have brought your merchandise.
HUDSON: General McGrath...
...your weapons are being delivered as we speak.
Now, shall we go upstairs and check the merchandise?
Direct me to the poot, sir.
I want something young and creamy.
A gamer that takes to the crop and the spur.
You drive a hard bargain. All right, 50 cents.
I'm very flattered, but I'm just not interested.
You gotta be interested. You're a whore!
[IN NORMAL VOICE] I may be a whore, but I work alone!
Now I'm working.
This is not the way you transport nitro!
What's your name, missy?
[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] Dora.
My mother's name was Dora.
What kind of lady are you?
I feel like a ditty.
Go on, girl! Sing!
GORDON: Okay, it's a ditty.
"Sons of the South."
Here you are.
All right. Okay....
Back on up now.
General "Bloodbath" McGrath.
ALL: [SINGING] Sons of the South, come to glory Sons of the South Arise Sons of the South, come to glory Come, come, come, arise
McGRATH: That's a lot of ham for these skinny legs, let me tell you!
That's a new one. Look!
MAN [MUFFLED]: Let me out! Please!
-This room's occupied. -I'll say.
Don't let the ear frighten you.
I lost it at Chickamauga.
Really? One can hardly notice.
Would you help me undress? I always have trouble undoing this clasp.
GORDON: Why, it's a deep, deep pool.
Maybe it's your old swimming hole, general. Are you feeling sleepy?
Yes, I'm sleepy.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Now you'll be my little doggy.
When I say "speak," you'll tell me everything. Understood?
Very good. Tell me, who's in that sack in the other room?
Which scientist is it? Dr. Escobar? Speak.
You can speak words, you stupid mutt.
Who do you work for? Who paid you to kidnap Escobar?
No, watch the swirling spiral. Watch the--
Bad dog! Watch-- Oh. Damn!
Didn't mean to startle you. Looked like you could use help.
[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] Looks can be deceiving, dark stranger. I'm fine.
I'm sure you are, ma'am.
Big, sturdy gal like you probably gets top dollar too.
Here you go.
Run along. I'm gonna sing my old friend McGrath a lullaby.
I need him!
You got your money. Run along! Have a little dignity.
That'd be an awful career decision.
West! West! Go! Go get him!
Get Escobar out of here!
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Stop or I'll squeeze.
U.S. Army! Stay out of my way, lady!
I'm not a lady! I'm a U.S. marshal!
Stay out of my way!
"Get out of my way, get out of my way.
Federal agents inside, sir.
So Miss Lippenreider informs me, Mr. Hudson.
Still, I believe good manners dictate...
...that we should send out the welcome wagon.
BOTH: Now what?
DETECTIVE: Whoa, there, partner!
The war may have got you 40 acres and a mule...
...but you can't just traipse into the president's office. Give me that gun.
WEST: What, that one?
What about that one?
-That'll get you killed. GRANT: Gentlemen!
Don't make Captain West any later than he already is.
There've been a lot of death threats.
The Cabinet made me hire these damned detectives.
Don't mind if I do, sir.
So I understand you let General McGrath get away.
That's not exactly the way it happened.
-Some half-a-sissy masquerading as-- -Artemus Gordon.
You know him?
Of course. He's the best marshal I've got. A kind of genius.
Gordon has proven himself as a cunning operator, with a rapacious intellect.
Nothing will stop him from completing a mission...
...except maybe the impulsive actions of a headstrong cowboy.
Who are you, mister?
What do you mean, who am I?
I am the President of the United States.
Who are you?
I am the President of the-- I'm Artemus Gordon.
How did you know?
The President went to West Point. That says Harvard.
Somebody mind telling me what's going on?
President Grant, um....
Sir, these are perilous times.
I was merely demonstrating how someone, using the art of disguise...
...could penetrate into the very bowels of the White House, sir.
You're clever, Gordon. One day it's going to get you killed.
And, West, not every situation calls for your approach of "shoot first...
...shoot later, shoot some more...
...then when everybody's dead, try to ask a question or two."
Working together will be good.
-Working together? -With all due respect--
You'll work the way your Commander in Chief tells you to.
Well, I was coming to that, sir.
GRANT: Gentlemen, America's top scientists...
...in the fields of physics, hydraulics, explosives...
...all kidnapped in the last year, and all by General McGrath, it now appears.
You two have been working on the same case the whole time.
Why did it take so long to figure it out?
One of us was trying to catch McGrath, and the other was trying to marry him.
GRANT: We don't have time for this.
Only one week, if we believe this.
"General Grant, the scientists you seek...
...are in my employ creating a weapons system...
...beyond the pale of contemporary imagination.
I suggest you put your affairs in order.
You have one week before you will surrender the U.S. government."
The letter was delivered today with that cake.
-It's marzipan, isn't it? GRANT: Careful.
It's McGrath, sir.
McGrath may be a vicious killer, but a mastermind he is not.
So whom do we seek? After consulting with Intelligence--
McGrath is on his way to New Orleans. The longer we stay here...
...the farther he gets. I don't need Intelligence.
You'd rather rely on stupidity.
I am leaving today for Utah...
...where the transcontinental railroads will be joined at Promontory Point.
You two are the best I've got.
Put aside your differences...
...and find this madman, whoever he is, and stop him.
You have one week.
The Wanderer is at your disposal.
Engine number five, track six.
Mr. Gordon, the item you requested.
-Figures. -My new invention.
The Bi-Valve Interior Combustion Twice-Exhausted Bi-Axle Nitro-Cycle.
Save it. Got a train to catch. Hyah!
Not if I catch it first.
Stop the train!
Hey! I'm warning you!
Gordon! Stop the train!
Come in. Have a seat.
Stop the train!
Stop smiling at me!
How nice of you to drop in.
Let's drop the beards, the bikes, the fake boobies.
Let's set that needlepoint aside and handle this like men.
As a matter of clarification, this is not needlepoint.
This is needlepoint.
I'm putting the final touches on my latest invention.
I call it The Impermeable.
It's a vest. When worn under clothing...
...it can stop any bullet, fired even at close range.
-Is that so? -But I haven't tested it fully yet.
I find them primitive and unnecessary if one's done one's proper planning.
I have always felt that allowing any situation to degenerate into violence...
...constitutes a failure on my part.
Well, Mr. Gordon...
All right, Mr. West, we'll settle this...
I love this train.
While you're down there, feel free to make use...
...of my Sub-Carriage Inter-Rail Vehicular Egressor.
I designed it myself!
I've been thinking. Maybe the president's right.
We should put aside our differences and work together.
Fight each other all you please. Harm my train, I'll douse you like dogs.
That's my truffle reduction sauce.
Let's get on about our president's business, shall we?
-Where to? -New Orleans.
-Why don't we let Professor Morton decide? WEST: Who?
I don't need some nobody professor telling me where to head.
Meet Professor Thaddeus Morton, kidnapped from M.I.T. six months ago.
Expert in the field of metallurgy. Discovered in a field of alfalfa.
That's a man's head.
This magnetic collar was found about six feet away, near his body.
Still trying to figure that out.
That's a man's head.
According to the Retinal Terminus Theory, a dying person's last image...
...burns into his eyeball like a photo. Perhaps there's a clue.
I give you Morton's last image.
That's a man's head.
Refraction of the lenses causes the image to appear upside down, so we simply....
...is a man's...
Something's in his pocket. It's too fuzzy to see.
Mortification of the aqueous humor's led to a loss--
"Friends of the South, come to a costume ball, April 14, half past 8.
346 Pine Court, Garden District."
BOTH: New Orleans.
GORDON: Gypsy queen...pirate....
Ah. How about this? Come as my manservant.
Why, yes'um, Master Gordon!
I swears I'd be delighted! I sing, I dance for you, sir.
I swears none of the white folks'll know I'd rather shoot myself...
...than play your damn manservant.
You must wear something. It's a costume party.
This is all I need to wear.
If you insist on a firearm, I have something...
...you'll find intriguing. I designed it to go...
Jim West does not wear costumes.
Very well. What's your plan?
I was thinking I'd go as a government agent...
...who'll kill General Bloodbath McGrath.
An armed, Negro cowboy costume in a room full of white former slave owners.
You'll win first prize.
Listen, the art of disguise is what we need to get into the party...
...to find the kidnapped scientists...
...before they're forced to create something that'll destroy the U.S.
You and I have been handpicked by the president.
Our freedom is at stake, and this is our duty as men.
You go as a riverboat captain, and I'll be a saloon girl.
Let me tell you something about your art of disguise.
That night at Fat-Can's, it wasn't difficult to see you weren't a woman.
I was propositioned by three men.
You looked nasty.
I mean, your breasts were hard and stiff...
...and stuck out like a couple of rusty cannons on a sunken ship.
These breasts are a work of art.
Aesthetically and scientifically perfect.
They look like shit.
-Touch them. -I'm not touching those.
GORDON: Afraid you're wrong? Touch my breasts!
Just one. Touch one!
WEST: Happy? I'm touching them.
I knew it!
GORDON: Squeeze it gently.
Not that hard! Now you've shifted all the buckwheat around.
Buckwheat? That's your problem.
What are you doing?
Now touch my breast.
-Oh. -Eh? That's what a breast should feel like.
WEST: Now touch yourself. GORDON: Oh, my God, I'm hard!
I was just gonna jot down a note.
You could put a gun on that.
Then where would I keep my pencil?
I think you underestimate the convenience of a pocket.
SOLDIER: What are you doing here, boy?
I sorry, sir.
I was hoping....
I was hoping I wouldn't...
...have to break your nose.
RITA: Get your hands off me!
Put me in the dungeon with those smelly, bearded men, but I won't get on that!
-You applied for the position. -A standing-up one!
I'm an entertainer.
AMAZONIA: Stop complaining. You'll enjoy it.
MISS EAST: An authentic cowboy outfit, complete with six-guns.
What a terribly clever costume, Mr...?
-Jim West. -West.
Well, West meets East.
-Mae Lee East. -Ma'am.
Are you here alone, Mr. West?
I'm looking to surprise an old friend, General McGrath. You haven't seen him?
I don't think that name was on our guest list. And I would know.
I am Dr. Loveless' personal assistant.
Dr. Arliss Loveless?
Funny how some folks think he's dead.
MISS EAST: Tonight is his coming-out party.
See anybody that looks familiar?
Matter of fact, I do.
MISS EAST: I am jealous.
Meet me later in the foyer.
WOMEN [SINGING]: Mine eyes have seen the glory Of the coming of the Lord He is trampling out the vintage Where the grapes of wrath are stored He has loosed the fateful lightning Of His terrible swift sword His truth is marching on
Don't you just hate that song?
Why, y'all look like you've seen a ghost.
It's me, dear friends.
Alive and kicking.
Well, alive, anyway.
We may have lost the war...
...but heaven knows we haven't lost our sense of humor.
No, not even when we lost a lung...
...35 feet of small intestine...
...and our ability to reproduce, all in the name of the South!
Do we ever lose our sense of humor?
Now, I owe a deep debt of gratitude...
...to our friends from across the sea for their comfort...
So mi casa es su casa!
[SPEAKS IN FRENCH]
Let the party begin!
How nice of you to join us...
...and add color to these monochromatic proceedings.
WEST: When one comes back from the dead...
...I find that an occasion to stand up, be counted.
Miss East informs me that you expected to see General McGrath here.
I knew him years ago...
...but I haven't seen him in a coon's age.
It'd be difficult for a man of your stature...
...to keep in touch with even half the people you know.
Perhaps Miss East will keep you from being a slave to your disappointment.
Beautiful women encourage you one minute...
...then cut the legs out from under you.
Quite. Will you excuse me?
LOVELESS: General McGrath. McGRATH: Yes, sir.
You're in for a big surprise when you get this one in the saddle.
[IN FRENCH ACCENT] Stupid cowboy!
He mistake you for me.
McGRATH: Dr. Loveless, our cause is in a grave situation.
Since the nitro and guns were destroyed, lice and demoralization has set in--
General McGrath, if I may interrupt.
Your men will have their weapons tonight...
...and they will be part of the greatest military victory of this century.
So have your men...
...at 10:00 tonight.
You, sir, are a pip.
I'd follow you into the jaws of Cerberus hisself.
And so you shall.
RITA: Help! Please! Somebody help me out!
I said to meet me in the foyer.
I've never been much good with French.
So let's see, Mr. West.
Are you a dangerous spy of some sort...
...or just a handsome cowboy...
...who likes to...
I believe I'm that second one.
East and West.
Never the twain shall meet.
First, I'd like to reiterate that you make one ugly woman.
Second, while you were out here, I found out Dr. Loveless...
...is meeting McGrath and his troops in an hour.
You go right ahead, enjoy the party.
I'm gonna save the Republic.
By the way, boobies look great tonight. Nice and perky!
We need to teach y'all a lesson about how to behave in polite society.
Never drum on a white lady's boobies at a big redneck dance. Got it.
Whoo! Sure am glad we got that cleared up.
Oh! Excuse me, am I intruding?
I feel I know you from somewhere.
Nice try, buster.
I look like something out of James Fenimore Cooper...
...but I mean you no harm.
My name is Artemus Gordon...
...and if I'm not mistaken, you're in trouble. Allow me.
I was hired as an entertainer.
Not that I'm complaining, but why are you here?
I'm looking for some missing scientists, not that I'm complaining.
I'm a special U.S. marshal on assignment from the president.
If you're so special, how come you're looking up here...
...when Loveless has them in the dungeon?
The dungeon has been cleared out.
I checked it after sampling the gumbo, which was a bit heavy on the okra.
There you are.
Thank you. Artemus, was it?
I don't forget a face that easily.
Like to have everybody's attention.
We've had a series of major misunderstandings this evening...
...and I'd like to take a minute to clear a few of them up.
First of which...
...the whole drumming on the boobies thing.
In my native land--
MAN: Georgia? -Africa.
--my ancestors used drums to communicate between villages.
I'm sure y'all can see how...
...with this gal, we can communicate all the way to Baton Rouge.
On a clear night, we might even get Galveston.
All I was saying to the gal was, "Nice dress, darling.
Good to see you. My name's Jim. How's your mama?"
Then there was the redneck comment.
And I'm getting the sense that y'all took that negatively.
But let's break down that word.
First word: Red. Color of passion, fire, power.
Second word: Neck.
I can't think of anything for "neck," but y'all still got "red."
That's something to be proud of.
And between us, the whole slavery thing...
...I don't understand what the big deal was anyway.
Who wouldn't want folks running around doing chores?
Are you gonna get your big, fat ass out of bed...
...and pick your own damn cotton?
I don't think so.
So let's head on inside, knock us back some shine.
Kick this shindig off the right way!
Come on! Put this thing away.
Come on! Let's go inside!
MAN: Let's hang him!
All right, hold on. Hold on!
I stand before you as a man realizing that I've done something wrong.
I'd like the opportunity to make it right.
-Will you marry me? -Huh!
"Huh!" That means "no." Darling, listen.
Would it help if I said I thought you were a man?
Something's funny about that rope!
GORDON: Thank you! We had a lovely time!
"Hang him! Hang him!" I ought to shoot you right now.
Allow me to introduce you to my trigger-happy partner, James West...
...who doesn't realize that my Expanding Rope invention...
...was a diversion allowing me to search for the missing scientists.
This is Rita. I found her in a cage in Loveless' bedroom.
She's an entertainer.
I'm afraid I haven't been quite honest with you.
My name is Rita Escobar.
I came to find Guillermo Escobar, the scientist. My father.
Sorry to interrupt, but I gotta get to Malheureux Point.
He's so impetuous.
Yes, he's an idiot.
Well, general, it's been a long journey from New Liberty.
Not a day goes by that I don't contemplate it.
So do I.
If I'd had the scientific understanding of gunpowder and primers I have today...
...I might've been standing here.
That's not what I meant.
You meant the stomach-churning carnage...
...that earned you your unfortunate nom de guerre.
What was that nickname again?
The Butcher of New Liberty.
They ought to be here by now.
Maybe we're in the wrong place.
We're supposed to wait exactly on this here spot.
[MEN SCREAMING AND YELLING]
You sawed-off sadistic bastard! You betrayed us!
Having donated half my being to create a weapon capable of doing this...
...how did you and General Lee repay my loyalty?
You surrendered at Appomattox! So who betrayed whom?
Munitia, make note the turret speed must be accelerated.
Change gear ratio from 2.2 to 2.8.
"Do not pull my arm!"
I demand you give the order to stop this slaughter now!
We'll need more loading drills. I hear too much time between screams.
Give them the order to desist!
I understand your distress, but these men are not dying senselessly.
It is for a far greater cause than you can possibly imagine.
You go straight to hell, sir!
After you, sir.
Bloodbath McGrath indeed.
That concludes the festivities.
Ladies, feed him to the crabs.
Since the beginning of written history, a nation's power has been determined...
...by the size of its army. Tonight, that chapter will be closed.
The traditional army, to say nothing of the United States, will become extinct.
Laid low by a cripple...
...as the general so amusingly implied...
But that tank is just a little hors d'oeuvre...
...compared to what the country's scientists are cooking up.
So if I have piqued your interest...
...bring 1000 kilograms of gold...
...to Spider Canyon within the next four days.
And now, if you'll excuse me, I have a tank to catch.
Judging from the position of these bodies...
...it laid down a 360-degree pattern of cannon fire.
I think I'm gonna be sick.
What kind of weapon did this?
It rolls on and on, screeching like a wounded animal.
It has a cabin on top with a cannon.
It swivels around like an eagle's head.
You saw it?
Heard about it. I thought it was crazy survivors' stories.
New Liberty, Illinois, a free slave town just over the border.
A week before the war ended in '65, I was with the 9th Cavalry.
We discovered old folks, women and children slaughtered.
They used them for target practice.
That's when I vowed to chase this yellow devil to his grave.
What's wrong, West?
I thought you'd be glad to see me like this.
Actually, I'm kind of disappointed.
I was hoping to kill the Butcher of New Liberty myself.
Well, go on, shoot.
Send me on to hell.
But if you want the devil that's responsible for New Liberty...
He manned the machine there.
He killed all them children, old folks...
...just like he killed my boys here.
Where is he?
Where did he go?
Where's he going?!
RITA: I know that.
I'll tell you if you take me along.
You'll tell me or I'll leave you here.
The girls at the mansion, you know, they talk.
"I wonder if my hair will get frizzy in the desert."
"Where is this Oo-tah anyway?"
Let's go, Coleman. Utah.
COLEMAN: Aye, sir.
Why couldn't we give her a ride home to Texas? It's on the way.
WEST: On our way to Utah, where our President is.
How you feel about that coincidence?
We wouldn't have known where Loveless was going if not for her.
Seems a bit ungracious, if not perilous.
She'd have been in our way. She and I'd have wound up in the saddle.
That's funny, I got the feeling she was more interested in me.
I've tried to place myself in Loveless' shoes.
Good luck with that one.
What could a maniac with no reproductive organs want with Rita?
Which is not to say that Rita doesn't possess a beauty...
...worthy of a Shakespeare sonnet or a Botticelli painting.
The curvature of her buttocks...
...and the swell of that magnificent bosom!
So full, so sumptuous....
So...what were all those foreign ministers doing at Loveless' party?
This is what really puzzles me.
Did you have any idea there were so many?
-[WHISPERS] How long has she been here? -Somewhere around Botticelli's buttocks.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] I am profoundly sorry.
I'll spare you the embarrassment. Make a sandwich. You're getting off.
I know why those foreign guys were at Loveless' party.
Mm. This is fantastic. How do you cook it?
I mean, you can cut it with a fork.
In a daubière. It's a clay pot. It's a French method.
They were mad about something, you know, like...
...there was some real bad deal in Louisiana on purpose.
GORDON: The Louisiana Purchase.
Mm-hm. And Queen somebody of France got swindled.
Queen Isabella of Spain.
This is ridiculous. Coleman, stop the train.
-Miss Escobar's getting off. COLEMAN: Who the hell is Miss Escobar?
A frightened, starving, half-naked woman who wants to find her father.
Coleman, stop the train!
COLEMAN: We're not putting anybody off here in the middle of nowhere!
Especially if they're half-naked!
Please, Jim. My father's the only family I've got.
Am I to sit at home and wait for news that he's been killed, or do something?
What would you do?
I don't have anything against you.
What happens when we find Loveless and you're still on this train?
I know you'd never let him take me back.
I've seen you shoot.
I'll assure you any attack by Loveless would be an exercise in futility.
I'll demonstrate how my design suggestions...
...have made the Wanderer completely impervious to attack.
Over here, three seemingly innocent billiard balls, yes?
Depress the number, it's a sleeping-gas bomb effective in under three seconds.
So put your mind at ease. You are safe within these walls.
I don't know about you, but I'll sleep better...
...assuming Loveless barges in here to play pool.
And speaking of sleeping, I'm really tired, Artie.
Could I borrow something to wear?
-I have just-- -I got something you can wear.
It ain't stylish, but it won't explode when you put it on.
That would be nice.
Loveless kidnapped a few metallurgists...
...so whatever he's building will have armor.
He kidnapped a couple chemists...
...so it'll have explosives.
According to you, Rita's father's the world's foremost expert in hydraulics...
...so the thing's gonna move.
What could he build that'd make the president surrender the government?
A bedside heater.
Rita needs a bedside heater. It gets quite chilly.
That's what I was talking about. The distraction.
Good night, and thank you for saving me.
WEST & GORDON: Rita....
WEST: That outfit--
-Is most becoming. -Lovely. I hope it's not too breezy.
GORDON: Back there. WEST: But if there's anything....
Anything at all....
BOTH: I'm right here. -Aren't you boys nice?
Well, sweet dreams.
-Mm. -I told you she'd be a distraction.
She's not a distraction.
It's nice having her on board. She's a breath of fresh ass.
-Pardon me? -What?
You said "ass."
No, I said, "It's nice having her on board, she's a breast of fresh air."
-Let's just get some shut-ass. -Mm.
COLEMAN: We have Loveless.
Seven hundred yards and closing.
Maintain this speed. I'm coming up.
WEST: What's that? -I took the liberty...
...of installing that while you slept.
Don't take liberties with my things!
GORDON: Very good.
I've only made one or two additions to your wardrobe.
Am I missing something here?
If we are pursuing Loveless...
...why is he behind us?
-What's going on? -Nothing. It's fine. Get down.
-Push that magic button. GORDON: What are you doing?
-Seeing if your Egressor works. -We need a plan.
-Push the button! GORDON: Very good.
He's so courageous.
Would you pull on one of those pool cues?
-This one? -Thank you.
Courage is only as good as the machinery that supports it.
I have them square in my sights, sire.
As do I, Munitia. As do I!
That's it! I won't let Loveless take me away!
-I'd rather be dead! -That's not a good thing to wish for!
Please, Artie! Don't leave me alone!
LOVELESS: Ladies, we need a new train.
-Give me the ball. I have a plan. -I won't!
-[IN RASPY VOICE] Gordon! -It's Loveless!
-No, it isn't. -Yes, it is!
An innocent billiard ball this way, but depress the number...
...and on impact it ruins our mission.
-Don't move! -Let go of my leg.
Loveless has fitted us with the same metal device we found on Morton.
LOVELESS: Good morning, gentlemen.
I trust you slept well.
-What have you done with Rita? LOVELESS: Rita, is it? How familiar!
Rita is sleeping off the aftereffects in the stateroom.
She is quite lovely, isn't she?
Who knows? I might even become familiar with her myself.
-That'd be one more reason to kill you. LOVELESS: Oh, yes, Mr. West.
To a well-endowed blackamoor like yourself...
...it seems impossible that a freak like me could enjoy the pleasure of a woman.
But having witnessed my use of mechanology thus far...
...don't you think I'd devise something for my lower body...
...that was hard-pumping and indefatigably steely?
And speaking of hard-pumping, Mr. Coleman...
...full steam ahead.
What a marvelous train. You don't mind me borrowing it, do you?
Aside from a lack of wheelchair access...
...I find it a most comfortable way...
...to pass the long miles to my laboratory in Spider Canyon.
By the way, I'll be seeing President Grant at Promontory Point.
What shall I tell him for you?
I'm afraid it can't be that you're alive...
Get out your tool kit. Get this off my neck.
My tools are gone.
"Welcome to Loveless Experimental Camp for Political Dissidents.
There are no guards, no barbed wires.
Stay within the perimeter, you'll stay alive."
-I don't have time for this. -No, no, don't!
And now we have to run.
The collars around our necks seem to contain powerful magnets!
As long as we can outrun the blade, we'll be fine!
WEST: How long does it take a magnet to lose its power?
GORDON: About 400 years! -Damn!
WEST: The gully! The gully!
Run for the gully!
Go, Gordon! Go!
-Gordon! Leap into my arms! -No.
Rita, my dear.
Not that I'm ungrateful to Providence for bringing you back...
...but I have to confess...
...I'm a bit curious as to how you managed to wind up with them.
They seemed so sure they could find you, I thought if I stayed with them...
...they'll bring me back to all my friends.
Not to give you a big head, but I kind of missed you.
Well, isn't that a coincidence? Because I kind of miss me too.
What's your plan for getting this thing off my neck?
That's what you're here for. You're the master of this mechanical stuff.
Ha, ha, ha. Oh, I see.
Now I'm the master of this mechanical stuff.
As opposed to five minutes ago, when I tried...
...to find an intelligent solution to this problem.
Then something happened. Someone, who'll remain nameless--
--decided to jump over the wire...
...providing us with that romp through the cornfield...
...and that death-defying leap into the abysmal muck!
And here we stand, while that demented maniac hurtles...
...toward our president on our one and only mode of transportation...
...with Rita as prisoner, armed with machinery of mass destruction...
...with the simple intention of taking over the country.
-You need to calm down. -I can't be calm.
No, no, no, no. I'm the master of the mechanical stuff!
And I have to help you! You!
The master of the stupid stuff!
Wanna get your collar off? I'll get it off!
I don't have a gun. Otherwise, I'd shoot it off!
Here's something in the true Jim West style!
-I'll bash it with a rock! -You don't wanna do that.
-Oh, but I do! -Wait, Gor--
-What did you do? -I didn't do shit!
You've reversed the polarity of your magnet.
I did not do shit!
Be still! Be still!
I'll put my foot in your chest. Push off.
You all right?
I'm just peachy. Can you help me get my boot off?
-Hey, hey! -Sorry.
And that would be my belt buckle.
Gordon, when you tell this story to your grandkids, leave this part out.
-Don't worry. -All right, Gordon.
I'll undo your belt. I'll run that way, you run the other way.
Let me understand your plan.
You'll run fast that way and I'll run fast that way.
-It's ingenious. -Whatever, Gordon.
My auxiliary tool kit.
I forgot about it. It must've slipped out of my pocket.
Why wasn't it on some contraption that shoots out your ass?
That's the first place Loveless would've looked.
Oh, no. No, thank you. I'm fine.
Not quite myself out here.
There's a very large spider on your hand.
He's just trying to get warm.
How is it you know so much about the desert?
I lived out here as a boy. I was raised by the Indians.
Really? Now that is--
Look, a desert wasp, one of the world's greatest hunters.
She'll kill the tarantula, lay her eggs inside...
...so her babies will have food when they hatch.
Now I'm really hungry.
So how did your parents, who I assume were Negro...
...feel about you being raised by Indians?
They didn't have too much to say.
I was sent to another plantation as a boy.
Ran away as soon as my legs were strong enough to take me.
Did you ever see your family again?
They were at the camp at New Liberty.
I'll help you get him, Jim.
GORDON: You have no idea where we're going, do you?
I know exactly where we're going.
Going to Spider Canyon.
We'd get there a lot faster if you weren't dragging that thing around.
A lot of scientific ingenuity and hard work went into this.
It'd be a shame to discard it.
You never know when a high-powered magnet might come in handy.
When you're right, you're right.
Loveless' private track.
This is not a mirage. If this isn't a mirage, then that--
Is Spider Canyon. What now, Mr. Plan Man?
What do we have? Intelligence, a sense of purpose, the element of surprise.
So what does Loveless have?
He has his own city.
He has an 80-foot tarantula.
Yes, well, I was coming to that.
Nice to see an invention that actually works.
GORDON: Most impressive.
If a little ungainly.
That thing'll never get past those rocks.
WEST: Gordon! Let's go!
Gordon, let's ride!
You do know how to ride.
-Yes, I know how to ride. -A horse.
Yes, when something primitive is called for.
How about now? A giant spider's stomping toward our President.
I was thinking of another spider.
Remember when that wasp destroyed the tarantula?
The wasp had a slight advantage. It could fly.
In 1540, Leonardo da Vinci designed a flying machine, but never finished it.
With some extrapolation and a bit of imagination, I've--
We don't have time for your plans or half-baked inventions.
We gotta stick to what we each do best.
GRANT: "May God continue the unity of our country...
...as this railroad unites the two great oceans of this world."
LOVELESS: Well, now, isn't this a coincidence?
I'm out for a little morning ride...
...and in the middle of nowhere...
...I bump into General Ulysses S. Grant himself.
We've never been properly introduced. I'm Dr. Arliss Loveless...
...formerly of the Confederate Army.
Yes, Dr. Loveless.
It's a fine-looking spider you have there.
What can I do for you?
I have a humble abode nearby. I hope you'll accept my hospitality.
I have a proposition to make.
What proposition is that?
The immediate and unconditional surrender of the United States...
...to the Loveless Alliance!
I didn't realize we were at war.
You have me at somewhat of a disadvantage.
I didn't bring my fly swatter.
LOVELESS: How about now?
GORDON [IMITATING GRANT]: In matters pertaining to war...
-...the person to talk to would be me. LOVELESS: And now just who are you?
I am the President of the United States.
This man is an actor hired to stand in for me on public occasions.
Not a very good actor at that. He's too fat and dull-witted.
[WHISPERS] You got a lot of brass, Gordon. Where's West?
[WHISPERS] You know him, sir.
Take this man away! Captain!
You are dismissed, sir! Leave!
We'll take them both!
GRANT: Was this part of your plan, Gordon?
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Well, I'm by your side, sir. That's what counts.
I got a telegram for a Dr. Loveless from his mother.
She said, "Come home. Stop all this foolishness."
...buenas tardes, and good day!
Great, glorious day!
A day of healing for the wrongs that have been done to us all.
How long have we waited?
1776, wasn't it, old bean?
The most expensive cup of tea in history.
Manhattan, for a handful of beads.
"Remember the Alamo," indeed.
LOVELESS: Today, I'm proud to be able to sit before y'all...
...and tell you that the wrongs will be righted...
...the past made present...
...the united, divided!
Great Britain gets back the 13 original colonies, minus Manhattan.
Florida and the Fountain of Youth go back to Spain.
Texas, New Mexico, California, Arizona...
...revolve a México.
And a little piece for me to retire on.
My partner nations insist that we make this as legal as possible.
Personally, I like the symmetry of it.
...wasn't it you, President Grant, that made us...
...sign a surrender at Appomattox?
Never will I sign that paper.
Never will the United States ever surrender!
LOVELESS: We're at loggerheads then, aren't we?
I suppose the threat of death to someone with your valorous war record...
...would mean nothing.
If you still refuse to sign the surrender...
...we'll start by shooting your man Gordon.
-Artemus! LOVELESS: Munitia!
Don't worry. I'm wearing an Impermeable.
May I make one request?
That she aim at my heart...
...my heart, which has loved this country so much.
Shoot him in the head.
-Damn! LOVELESS: Munitia!
A new girl!
Well, what a nice surprise.
Uh, uh, uh.
Ebonia, why are you so cruel to me?
This brassiere is killing me.
GORDON: Thank you.
WEST: And this garter belt is riding up my ass.
-Be careful with that dress. -To hell with your damn dress.
We'll have you out of here in a second, Mr. President.
[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] Bye-bye!
-Is she with us? -Captain West.
Oh, he's so graceful!
Kill him! Him!
Him! Him! The girl!
Is that the eight ball? Get down.
-That wasn't sleeping gas. -The eight ball's an incendiary bomb.
-Let's go! -Save the president! We'll be fine!
They're getting away. We gotta do something! We gotta get horses!
Artie, right now we need a plan.
That flying machine idea of yours....
Were you acting like you knew what you were talking about, or can you build it?
GORDON: Bernoulli was considered insane by his peers.
His theory states that the air over a bird's wing moves...
...at a lower pressure than that below the wing.
That's called lift, and is what we will now attempt.
-It's only a theory. It's never been tested. -Stop talking.
Here's a little bon voyage present for you guys.
Gunpowder, nitroglycerine and .44 caliber primers.
How the devil do you know about explosives?
U.S. Marshal Coleman. President wanted me to look after you.
But I draw the line at defying gravity, so good luck.
Hold on! Avanti!
-Why isn't this avanti-ing? -Not enough lift!
We need more speed!
WEST: That's a cliff! -Yes, I know!
-That means the ground is gonna end! -I know!
Gordon. Gordon! Gordon!
It works! It works!
If you had to get one right, I'm sure glad it was this one.
-Yee-ha! Ha, ha, ha! -Yee-ha.
WEST: What kind of fancy name you got picked out for this thing?
Wait, let me guess: an Elevation Enhancer...
...or a Gravity-Repeller Vehicle.
No, I was thinking of something simple.
Mr. President, I'll ask you once again:
Sign the surrender, or I will decimate this town!
You've had my answer.
I understand, but I urge you to reconsider in light of the following!
GORDON: Hang on, Mr. President!
Gentlemen, I am truly impressed by your effort and ingenuity.
Why not swear an oath of loyalty to me...
...and forego your execution?
I thought I'd stuff your half-a-ass in one of these cannons...
...and fertilize the landscape with you.
LOVELESS: We may not have a woodshed on board...
...but that boy is gonna get a whupping anyway!
You the one supposed to give me my whupping?
Hell, I got one of those.
Oh. Shit. Gordon only gave me one. If you give me a second, I'll--
That's it. No more Mr. Knife Guy.
I learned that from a Chinaman.
I just made that up.
Miss Lippenreider, take over the controls.
Now, somebody around here promised me a whupping.
Crazy beard. About your height. Seen him?
When it comes right down to it, you just can't beat...
...a good old-fashioned pair of legs.
Well, you're obviously not a poker player, Mr. West.
Four of a kind always beats a pair.
Now was there someone particularly close to you...
...who perished in that military action?
Well, that struck a nerve.
"I likes to beat my feet...
...on the Mississippi mud!"
Stop him, please!
Drive. Stop or I'll shoot.
You expect to kill me with that peashooter?
-If I have to, yes. -Why is it that I am unafraid?
After all that, you missed?
Actually, I didn't.
Your chivalry's about to be tested.
Well, well, well, Dr. Loveless. I bet you thought it was...
...pretty damn funny, big metal foot on my face and all.
If you ask me, somebody around here...
...owes somebody else around here an apology.
Quit dancing around and figure out how to run this damn thing!
-Uh, right. -We got a real problem there!
Please, Mr. West!
Show some mercy!
Now, don't you fret none.
We got a lovely half-a-jail cell picked out for you.
Please, sir! You fine, dark warrior!
Finding the right combination of levers--
-Very good. -Don't do that again.
LOVELESS: I have always admired you, Mr. West.
I want you to understand that.
For four years, I've chased the animal...
...responsible for the massacre at New Liberty.
I hear that's you.
I am not an animal. I am a visionary!
I am a genius!
And now I am angry!
After I kill you...
...I swear I'm gonna boil you down for axle grease!
Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle!
How did we arrive in this dark situation?
I have no idea. I'm just as stumped as you are.
I'm facing a difficult problem here.
On the one hand, I have an overwhelming love for myself...
...and on the other, the raw, seething hatred that I have for you.
I could kill you very easily just by pulling on this lever.
But I would die along with you, hence my conflict.
Allow me to make that decision for you.
Mr. West, although you are as black as the night on the outside...
...you are yellow!
You just don't have it in you.
Now that's a whupping.
You'll be happy to know I'm creating a new agency...
...whose sole purpose is to protect the president.
Welcome to the Secret Service.
Agents number one and number two.
Thank you, Mr. President.
Do you mind if I ask which one is agent number one and which is number two?
-I don't think that matters. Do you? -Not if you don't.
Anyway, you'll have plenty of time to discuss it on your new assignment.
See you in Washington, gentlemen.
[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS]
Mr. President, what about our train?
GRANT: I'm taking it, of course.
Hell, you let Loveless blow up mine.
RITA: Jim, Artie!
-My heroes. -Rita, look at you.
-You're a vision. WEST: That's a fine dress you got on.
I wanted to thank you for all you've done for me before I went back to Texas.
Texas? What do you mean?
Come to Washington with me.
Or better yet, come back to Washington with me.
I'm afraid I haven't been completely honest with you.
Professor Escobar is not my father. He's my husband.
-You could've told us that. -Yes.
Rita, dear, we really must be going.
At least you still have each other.
What now, Artie?
Do you mind if I ask you a question?
Actually, I do, Artie.
[English - US - SDH]