When I was a kid, my brother and I used to pretend we were heroes with swords.
We were the only ones who could save the day.
But perhaps we set the bar a little bit high.
Maybe we're just regular people.
The ones who get saved.
What's your password?
I said, what's your password?
I have no fucking idea!
Fuck the swear jar.
Aidan. I'm sorry, but fuck the swear jar.
That word means sex. You're gonna have sex with the swear jar?
Okay, Tucker, that's enough, honey.
The code's 1234. What are you doing?
The swear jar is full. Look at it.
The swear jar is all the money we have to send you to college, so you should be happy I curse.
I heard you, Dad.
Rabbi Perlman says that cursing is for the simple-minded.
Well, Rabbi Perlman's breath is so bad, it makes God question why he even bothered creating the universe.
Rabbi Perlman's praying and God's like, "Please stop, Perlman. You're welcome.
Well, if you can curse, then we all can curse. Is that what you want?
Grace is not gonna curse.
Mom, Dad said that the other day when someone stole his parking spot.
I did say that, babe, but he was a fuckhead.
He was in a yellow Hummer. Who drives a yellow Hummer?
What, is he going to war on the sun?
Dad, we need this car.
We are not getting an Aston Martin.
But for the next minute only, you can curse.
Then, hairy balls.
Okay. Come on, guys.
Up, up, up. Seat belts.
Tucker! Yarmulke. Tzitzit.
Oh, come on. What is wrong with you, man?
Get it together.
I was thinking about that Aston Martin.
Stop thinking about that car.
It's time to start thinking about the plight of the Jews.
What does "plight" mean? I have no idea.
Ask the rabbis. That's what we're paying them for.
Aidan, you have to talk to your father today.
He still hasn't paid this semester's tuition.
I hate talking to him about money. When was it due?
Okay, and they're threatening to kick the kids out of school if they don't get a check by the end of this week.
Maybe it's time we put them in public school.
Oh, no, no, no, we're not putting them in the public school.
I'll talk to him today, okay?
Avoid the rabbis if you see them.
I always do!
Bye, Mom! Bye, baby.
You need help gearing up back there, Yentl?
Don't call me Yentl.
You can call me Yentl. I love that movie.
I know. I know.
The boys get to do all the cool things to honor HaShem, and I won't get to do anything remotely cool until I buy my sheitel.
Sheitel? What's that again?
It's a modesty wig.
So, when I get married, I'll shave my head and wear a wig for the rest of my life.
That way only my husband will find me pretty.
No offense, but that's the weirdest tradition I've ever heard of.
And it wouldn't even work on you because you're so pretty that you'd look even prettier with a shaved head.
So, it would defeat the whole purpose.
Bye, Dad. Bye.
Hurry, hurry, hurry.
Tucker. Come here. Drill.
I knew it.
I told you. Drill stays at home.
Now go be Jewish.
Why? It's so boring.
I have no idea. Ask the rabbis.
I got it right here.
Oh, come on.
Sorry, just give me a second!
Shalom, Mr. Bloom.
Hey, Rabbi Rosenberg.
Mr. Bloom, Rabbi Twersky would like to see you in his office if you have a moment.
Oh, you know, today I can't.
Today, believe it or not, a moment is something I just don't have.
I'm gonna have to take a rain check.
Speaking of rain, as you know, every year to celebrate the holiday of Tu Bishevat, we ask the children to donate money to have a tree planted in Israel.
Yeah, I heard about that, Rabbi.
But when you think about it, how many trees do they really need over there?
I feel like Israel is pretty good on trees.
Which is why, Mr. Bloom, we encourage the children to plant a seedling in their own backyard.
You never picked up your seedling, Mr. Bloom.
Oh, no, no, I'm fine. Oh, there it is. Okay. Thank you.
Just try not to smoke it.
Yes, bless God. Bless everybody.
I ask you, sir. How many bangs did Jesus hear?
This entire case is dependent on your testimony that on the night of January 7th...
This shit is horrible. In college, I did Othello.
We all did.
Can I just speak to you both here for a quick second?
Yeah, sure. Hey, Terry.
Uh... Didn't your agents call you?
We've decided to go African-American with the role.
Oh. You've got to be kidding me, man.
I've been memorizing this all week.
Does he have to be a dark black person?
What if he were light-skinned?
I'm sorry, guys.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! What about Ortega?
Ortega, there's a guy on the witness stand, Ortega.
He's an older Hispanic man.
I am on the witness stand and I only heard one bang.
There was only one uno bang.
Not three. Uno.
Aidan, please tell me you're not trying to be an older Hispanic man.
I'm just trying to show you my range, man.
I really, really need a part.
I'm sorry, guys, all right?
If it's any consolation, I thought you were Hispanic.
Gracias. De nada.
Oh, yeah, do me like that.
Come on, harder, harder! Oh, yeah.
Catch you at a bad time?
Dad, what the hell?
Trouble in the bedroom, Aidan?
Men have man needs. Those man needs need to be met.
Well, Sarah doesn't really care about my man needs right now, Dad.
We have a lot going on.
So, you're taking things into your own hands, so to speak.
Hilarious. Why haven't you paid the yeshiva tuition, Dad?
I have aggro rabbis stalking me in crosswalks.
It's like an Orthodox zombie movie.
We need to talk. But can you please clean yourself up first?
I can't talk to you with your pants at your ankles.
Kugel, no. Kugel!
I know you can't stand the dog.
He's usually so well trained.
If you trained that dog to piss everywhere but the lawn, then you did an incredible job.
Pool looks good.
What are you growing, typhoid or hepatitis?
What's going on with the fence?
You have a nice little slice of Mumbai back here, Aidan.
The yard has been this way since we moved in.
Are you gonna comment on it every time you see it?
I haven't gotten a decent check since I did that dandruff commercial.
Ironically, you still have dandruff.
What is going on with the tuition checks, Dad?
We had a deal. You said you'd cover it as long as you got to pick the school.
And you did.
You have your indoctrinated, little religious grandchildren.
You cannot make me hound you for these checks.
The cancer's back, Aidan.
I didn't want to worry you till I knew for sure.
But now you do. Now I do.
And it's pretty bad.
How bad is "pretty bad"?
It's metastasized from my lungs, spreading.
Oh, my God.
Found this place out in Malibu.
Treats your own stem cells and then injects them right back into you. Good as new.
But I'm going to have to pay out of pocket.
So, I can't afford the school anymore, Aidan.
I'm down to my last savings and I decided to spend it on this.
So, you win.
My father has cancer, my children have to drop out of school, and I don't have a job. How could I possibly be winning?
God works in mysterious ways.
This is particularly mysterious.
Oh, one more thing.
I'm gonna be laid up for a while.
I'm gonna need you to watch Kugel.
Oh! There's so much bad news all at once.
What do we do?
What do you mean, "What do we do?" We move forward.
It's the only direction God gave us.
I know you're in there. I can hear you trolling.
Noah, I'm not leaving!
Dude, I drove all the way out here. Open the fucking door.
What's the password?
Um... Is it, "Your father's dying and I need to talk to you"?
I knew that was it.
Sunlight, Noah. Noah, sunlight.
Is Dad really dying again or are you just crying wolf?
It's all over his body, Noah. The wolf is here.
No, no, no, don't stop him.
I can't stand that fucking guy.
Get over here. Kugel!
Your can looks good.
You know when you make fun of my trailer, Aidan, you're making fun of my inheritance from Mom.
She wanted me to live how I choose.
And to be free to pursue the goals that I have.
And what are those goals?
I thought you were gonna, like, develop an iPhone app or something.
No, no, fuck apps. Fuck apps.
It's a saturated market. I'm gonna start blogging.
Look, I have two problems and one, I think you might be able to help me with.
Fuck off. Dude, I can't raise two kids and go on auditions and take care of this dog.
Are you kidding me? This is our father.
Our father. You have to rally with me.
Oh. Okay. So, when you get old and sick, everybody's just supposed to forget that you were an asshole?
I know he's not easy.
Trust me, no one knows that better than me.
What's the other one?
You said that there were two problems, Aidan.
I will help you with the one that's not that dog.
The other one is that he's gonna try an experimental treatment now, and he can't afford to send the kids to the yeshiva anymore.
Well, it sounds like you really got your hands full.
Live long and prosper.
Are you serious? I gotta get back to work.
A blogger never rests. Don't you dare leave that dog.
...as he searches for his first love.
What a beautiful tortoise.
Can I say something that's probably gonna piss you off?
I can't wait.
Why don't you homeschool them?
Are you kidding me? What are we, Amish?
I've been looking online and there's a whole new movement out there.
Cities that public schools are suffering, some parents are considering other options.
Dad, can we buy drugs at our public school?
Uncle Noah said he used to buy drugs at his public school.
No, man, that was the '90s.
This is LA. There's a weed pharmacy on every corner.
All you need is 50 bucks and a headache.
Honey, don't tell him that. If you're implying you want me to give up acting, you should just say it.
I think you should give up acting.
I will not give up acting.
We can't afford private school, you're afraid of public school.
It's the middle of the school year.
You want to just drop these two little indoctrinated matzo balls into a school that's ranked last in the district?
I agree with you, but what's your plan, Dad?
Grace, what's the Hebrew word for charity again?
Mr. Bloom, Baruch Hashem.
Please have a seat.
Do you ever watch these YouTubes?
YouTube? Yes, I've seen YouTube.
This kitten will not allow his brother to sleep, no matter what.
You know kittens, they're always doing something.
Mr. Bloom, please, can I help you today?
Well, Rabbi, as I'm sure you know, my father has been paying our tuition here at Hillel.
Unfortunately, he's taken ill and he can no longer afford to cover us anymore.
Oh, yes, I've been counseling your father.
I am deeply sorry about his illness.
I hope you're not withdrawing the children from this school.
That's the thing.
We could only afford to go here with his help.
Ah, yes. You're the actor.
And your wife provides for the family while you act.
But I was hoping that you might consider giving us a little
Mr. Bloom, if you want to buy a gallon of milk when you only have enough money for a glass of milk, you must first take that money from somewhere else.
So, maybe you decided that this week you will give up honey.
I'm not a honey guy, but go on.
If I give you charity, I must take away funds from one of the several families to whom we currently provide assistance.
Families who actually need the assistance.
Not just someone who's made a choice to be an actor and thusly cannot provide for his family.
But what about my dream?
I mean, doesn't God believe in my pursuit of happiness?
No! That's the Declaration of Independence.
Thomas Jefferson cared about your happiness.
God wants you to provide for your family, Mr. Bloom.
God believes your family deserves both milk and honey.
Well, thank you.
I'm sorry to interrupt, Rabbi.
I'm sorry to interrupt everyone. Grace!
Tucker, wake up!
Grace, Tucker, come on.
Put a wiggle in it. Come on.
Let's go, please. So sorry, everyone. It's beautiful.
Shalom. Sayonara. Keep it real.
But I don't want to leave school. I like it there.
And what about all my friends?
You'll make new friends, okay? Better friends.
It's a horrible idea. You don't know anything.
What are you gonna teach them? How to do the acting?
There's websites, Dad. There's books.
It's only till the end of the semester. We'll be fine.
You're burdening them with your fears.
Just 'cause you got beat up in the public school doesn't mean they will.
You got beat up?
No. No. Oh, yes.
Tell them the truth. They picked on him.
With his Dungeons & Dragons and scientific-fiction movies.
I got in one fight.
You marry a half-Jew, you provide your children with absolutely no sense of spirituality or faith in a higher power.
Now, for dessert, you spoon-feed them all your fears.
It's a mess, Aidan.
Sweetie, look at the outfit I got you today.
How cute is this?
I'm not wearing that.
I thought it was so cute and...
Mom, do my clothes embarrass you?
Really, honey, they don't.
No, I want you to be whoever you want to be.
Then why do you want me to dress like I'm on the Disney Channel?
I just thought that since you're not going to yeshiva that you might want to try something more colorful.
What do you think?
I think that...
That God is testing my faith right now.
And I probably shouldn't make any drastic changes.
I'm sorry, Mom.
No, don't be sorry. It's fine.
It's fine. Let's just forget about it.
It's silly of me.
I'm gonna pray that God helps Dad get a job and...
...that Uncle Noah's anti-depressants start to work.
And that you get happy, too.
I'm happy, sweetie.
Mom, no, you're not.
I know you're a hermit and everything, but if you don't stop that fucking dog from barking, I am going to roll your trailer off the cliff.
Kugel, shut the fuck up!
Why are you wearing Muppet pants?
They're not Muppet pants.
I'm working on my outfit for Comic-Con.
Are you a Furry?
I hate that term.
I'm a character designer of full-size plush toys.
So you're a Furry.
Do you ever leave this trailer?
Are you always so abrasive?
Well, does your trailer always smell like the Burger King himself ate Grimace and then shit him out all over your living room?
Grimace is in Ronald McDonald's posse.
Originally introduced in November 1971 as "Evil Grimace."
You're mixing up your fast-food character lore.
The fact that you know that has told me everything I need to know about you.
You know, when your brother was six years old, we thought something was wrong with him.
I remember a psychologist at school gave him this battery of tests.
When they come out, she says, "He's not disabled. He's a genius."
I remember strutting around and I was going about my business thinking, "I'm the father of a genius."
Do you have any idea how much pride I felt?
I imagined us working together side by side at the university one day.
Why is it that whenever we're alone, all you want to talk about is Noah?
I can't even have a conversation with him. I say hello, he says, "How do you say hello to me like that?"
Do you mind if I pick you up after your treatment?
I have an audition that I really want to go to.
This auditioning, when are you gonna give that up?
I don't know, Dad. But not yet.
Well, you can hardly call yourself head of the household.
Thank you. I know it's 2014.
In my time, men would rather die than let his wife work her fingers to the bone while he clowns around.
Okay, "clowns around." You're forgetting something that's very important, and that is that Sarah loves her job.
She is living her dream.
Sometimes when I forget to wear my underpants, I get, like, these little half-boners.
You know, like, aspirational boners.
"Someday I'm gonna grow up and I'm gonna be a full-on boner."
Hmm. "Just have to work hard enough."
That was the half-boner talking. I was doing his voice.
I figured that out, Jerry.
Can you please stop talking?
'Cause I have a shit-ton of work to do.
And I, um, appreciate it.
Want a back massage?
Will you please shut the fuck up?
You're so fucking inappropriate.
This is not a frat house, Jerry. It is a place of business.
Whoa. Easy, Jane Fonda.
Just trying to have some fun at work.
Believe it or not, I don't want to know about your dick.
Well, my dick doesn't want to know about you, either.
Good. How's that?
Yeah. So now we're ignoring you.
How come you're not in school?
Bomb scare. What about you?
We're gonna be homeschooled.
Are you Amish?
No, we're Jewish.
But we just can't afford private school anymore.
But I thought Jews ran Hollywood.
I thought so, too.
Maybe we're in the wrong tribe or something.
Anyway, it's just till the end of the year.
I'm gonna go to Roosevelt for seventh grade.
Me, too! Really?
Hey, um, so my sister always has this big end-of-the-year pool party.
It's usually pretty awesome.
Do you want to come?
No, thank you. I never learned how to swim.
And I don't even have a bathing suit.
Well, God says that a woman's supposed to keep her body covered up.
Okay, well, I guess you got a few months if you change your mind, so...
Yeah. Okay, well, I'll see you later.
Yeah. See ya.
Bye. Bye, Jesse.
Okay, good morning, students.
Good morning. Goodbye.
Okay, we'll start with attendance.
This is boring already.
Oh. We'll take that as a "here."
Okay, I wanna focus on what you're doing in school.
Grace, what are you currently working on in school?
Geometry, geometry This is the song for geometry Okay, who knows what this guy is?
No extra points for yelling, but you are correct.
No, no, no, no recess. Back, back, back, no recess. Thank you.
And can you please sit on your ass and not your head?
An ass is a donkey.
That's correct. You get an A in biology.
I'm in honors math.
We're learning things like supplementary and complimentary angles, determining the area of a three-dimensional shape, circumferences.
I know all that, Grace. We're starting with...
We're starting with some of the basic stuff, and then going to the good stuff, you know?
You go see Sting in concert, he's not gonna just jump into The Police songs.
You're gonna have to hear a couple hours of some wacky stuff with the dizzery-do.
Dad, I have to take a choom.
What's a choom?
It's how we say "shit" in school.
Swear jar! I don't have any money.
See, that's where the whole swear jar thing falls apart for me.
I'm the only one putting money into it.
It's Hebrew for "brown."
You are free to leave the classroom for your brown. Enjoy.
Grace, is this triangle complimentary?
Or is it one of those supplementary guys?
A triangle can't be complimentary or supplementary.
Only the angles that comprise it can be judged that way.
Right. Good. Good, exactly.
The triangle that you drew, albeit poorly, is isosceles, meaning that at least two of its sides are equal in length.
So, for example, what angle is complimentary to a 45-degree angle?
Well, if they're gonna add up to 90, it would be a 45-degree angle.
Good. Now for a supplementary angle...
Hey! Hey! Tucker!
What are you doing, man? We're in the middle of a lesson.
I lied about having to choom, Dad.
I just wanted to kill the triangle.
No! Well, turn it off. We are in the middle of school.
This isn't fun time.
I was pretending the triangle was Arab.
What? Oh, my God. Who told you that?
Not all Arabs are bad.
Levi Goldfarb said all Arabs want to kill Jews.
Well, Levi Goldfarb is wrong. That's not true at all.
Well, how do we know which ones are bad?
It's complicated, and I didn't know we were gonna get there on day one, but, um, for starters there's al-Qaeda.
The black weatherman?
No, that's Al Roker.
Al Roker wants to kill Jews?
No, buddy, he's very good friends with Matt Lauer.
I'm pretty sure he's Jewish. We'll Google it.
Grace is the teacher?
Yes, Grace is the teacher for the minute.
Grace is so boring!
Don't say that. No, I'm not!
I want to be the teacher!
Okay, you can be. What do you want to teach us?
How to be an idiot. Don't say that.
I am not an idiot! And you're in love with Jesse.
No, she's not. No, I'm not!
Then why did you write his name all over your notebook?
You wrote his name all over your notebook?
What is wrong with you? Yeah, you know what?
That is my notebook! You should not look in her notebook.
Jesse's gonna put his penis on you!
Stop fucking cursing! Swear jar!
We all ride a merry-go-round of feelings.
Going round and round, up and down, from one emotion to another.
And I bet if you think back over your day, you'll realize that you've been sad, confused, happy or excited at least once already.
I know I have.
But one of the best things about feelings is sharing them.
See you next time.
What's going on?
I know it looks weird, but they're having a lesson.
Aidan, why are the children duct-taped to chairs?
They wouldn't listen to me.
I couldn't get control of them, Sarah.
They asked about al-Qaeda. I have to work on this audition for tomorrow, and LeVar Burton seems to be the only thing that calms them down.
Fortunately for us, I have Roots.
Okay, this is not gonna work.
You can't just show the kids videos, and you certainly can't force them into learning.
Well, then what's your idea?
Because they're fighting every single thing I try.
We need to regroup.
Why don't we go to dinner?
Who's gonna babysit?
Lego Death Star is worth three hours of babysitting, if, and only if, it's in the box, and said box is in mint condition.
It is. It's brand-new.
Can I keep them taped up like that?
I'll free them. You've got three hours.
What's the happiest you've ever seen me?
What? That was like 100 years ago.
It's the first thing that came to my mind.
I remember I was lying on the beach reading a book, and you were taking those lessons.
And I was watching you and you kept trying to get up, trying to get up, and then you finally got up.
And I couldn't see your face 'cause you were kinda far out.
I could just feel it, this elation, this pure joy.
The happiest you've ever seen me is a smile you never saw?
I guess, yeah. Is that weird?
I suppose it's beautiful in a bizarre kind of way.
What's the happiest you've ever seen me?
You were doing a Shakespeare thing outside at Northwestern.
Romeo and Juliet.
And no one was there.
I mean, no one was there.
There were a few people that were there, but I get the point.
It wasn't even a real show.
You were just, like, in the middle of a soccer field.
It was a traveling production.
And it was really fucking thrilling to watch.
'Cause you loved words. You loved poetry.
But I do remember it kinda made me feel sad.
Honey, I want to support you.
I really do believe in you.
Why did seeing me love Shakespeare make you sad?
I don't know.
I was terrified that I'd never ever find that kind of passion in my life.
And the truth is, I haven't.
I input data into a spreadsheet.
Literally, a scanner should be doing my job, and there's just too much bureaucracy for anyone to even notice.
One day you're gonna be running that whole fucking place.
I don't want to run the fucking water department.
Then what do you want to do? I don't even know.
I don't know. And you know what?
I don't have a second to figure it out, because I'm on a fucking treadmill.
And if I stop, our kids don't eat.
And it's all on me.
I thought you supported my dream.
You said you supported my dream.
When did this relationship become solely about supporting your dream?
Oh, my God.
Dr. Becker, what happened?
I told him the new-age treatment was nonsense, but desperate people will try anything.
It didn't work?
The cancer's progressed.
He's having paraneoplastic symptoms, his liver's beginning to fail.
Can we see him?
Well, he's sleeping, but he's right in here in ICU. Come.
Okay, okay, let's just calm down.
What are you talking about, Noah? Why would we not be calm?
Look, before you freak out, I still get the Death Star.
What's happening, Noah?
Oh, my God! What the fuck!
I am tired of you guys not listening to me.
I just want to go back to yeshiva and be with my friends, and I am sick and tired of Tucker always teasing me about Jesse.
Now everyone will know who I am.
So you shaved your head?
Sweetie, your beautiful hair.
Your beautiful hair.
You said that I would still be pretty even if I shaved my head!
What? No, completely out of context.
What are you talking about?
I was talking about the Orthodox wig thing.
This is not what I was talking about.
I was just innocently playing video games with the boy when...
Tucker! Tucker, great kid.
Really a lot smarter than I thought...
You let her shave her fucking head? No, no!
You know, they were just having their normal banter.
I certainly didn't think that she was gonna come out looking like fucking Sinead O'Connor.
Okay, I shouldn't cry, right?
No, don't cry. It's just hair. 'Cause it's just hair.
It'll grow back in, like, a year.
Go to your room! What's going on?
Don't go to your room. Go in the house!
I'll go to your room. Go in the house!
Go inside. Feel better. Feel better, kiddo.
And you get the fuck out of here.
What about our little Lego situation?
My child shaved her head while you were babysitting.
You think you're getting a Lego Death Star?
You're out of your fucking mind.
You're a fucking Indian giver.
You're a piece of shit Indian giver.
And by the way, do you know where I just came from?
Your father lying comatose in the hospital with wires and veins and the thing in his nose.
I thought he was on some sort of...
No, the treatment didn't work, man. He's dying for real, okay?
How long does he have?
I don't know, but the fact that you're asking that, what, are you gonna procrastinate?
Cancer means dying, Noah, and you need to wake up, because life is happening all around you.
Nice to see you, Mr. Bloom.
Sorry it's under such difficult circumstances.
I have something for you.
Sorry to throw all of this at you now.
It does have to be dealt with sooner rather than later.
He's very sick. Counsel the actor.
Come over here. Don't be fooled by all this.
It's all to cover their asses so nobody gets sued.
So, Dad, I'm confused.
You said there was this experimental treatment.
They told me from the beginning it doesn't work for everyone.
I rolled the dice.
But did Dr. Becker give you any new information?
Did he say anything about...
A few months. Maybe a year.
Or as long as it takes them to finish the 405.
If I died every time he said I was gonna die, I'd have more lives than Shirley MacLaine. Jesus.
Did you see that pitch?
If Collins doesn't pull a new pitcher out of the bullpen soon, I'm gonna yank all these tubes and jump out the window.
Hey, is there any water over there?
I mean, I guess, no.
It's funny, you spend your whole life hoping it'll all mean something, and ultimately it really comes down to one question in a neatly folded pamphlet.
How should we deal with your bones?
Honey, maybe you shouldn't be looking at that right now.
How are the kids?
I just always imagined I'd have a better handle on what I believed by the time we had kids.
And we got pregnant so young, and now I have these little faces looking up at me and I don't know what to say.
I know, I'm with you. Fuck if I know what we're supposed to be doing here.
As parents or on Earth?
Can I say both?
Gracie, wake up, sleepyhead.
What's going on?
We're going on a field trip.
I made you a bowl of cereal, but I ate it.
Is Grandpa gonna die?
It looks that way, sweetie.
Are we gonna bury him in the backyard with Whiskers?
Oh, buddy, I don't think we're allowed to do that.
We're gonna have to ask Grandpa what he wants.
I think he'll want to be with Whiskers.
All right, guys, here we are.
Shouldn't we set up our camp?
We'll do it later. This way.
What are we doing out here?
I'm showing you one of the coolest places on Earth.
I'll race you to the top.
Wow! Look at those legs!
Lookit, the little legs are fastest!
This is it. This is the spot.
What is it?
This is the spot where I had one of the deepest, most sincere, spiritual moments of my life.
The last time I had an epiphany, it was right here.
What's an "aniffany"?
An epiphany is when you realize something that you really needed to realize.
You know, sometimes in life you can get kinda stuck and you feel like you should have changed chapters by now, but you can't.
Are you stuck because Grandpa's dying?
Am I stuck because Grandpa's dying?
I think that's one of the reasons.
And because you haven't worked since that dandruff commercial?
That's in there, too. Thanks for reminding me.
Well, the sun went down.
What do you guys say, should we make a fire?
All right, let's do it.
Help him out, Grace, help him out.
Will Grandpa be able to see us when he dies?
I don't know, buddy. I don't know.
Nobody knows what happens when you die.
There's as many opinions as there are people.
And some people will tell you with absolute certainty they know.
But they're wrong?
No. No, I'm not saying they're wrong.
Right now I kinda feel like they're lucky.
'Cause the rest of us, until we see something that makes sense, until we hear something we believe, we're kinda left with nothing.
Tell us a ghost story.
I don't know any ghost stories. Do you?
I'll think about it.
All right, you think on it.
I can think of one, too.
I know they usually end with someone has a claw.
I could tell you something Grandma used to say to me when I went to bed.
How about that?
Okay. All right.
I remember a little bit.
"And indeed there will be time
"For the yellow smoke that slides along the street
"Rubbing its back upon the window panes
"There will be time
"There will be time
"To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet
"There will be time to murder and create
"And time for all the works and days of hands
"That lift and drop a question on your plate
"Time for you and time for me
"And time yet for 100 indecisions
"And for 100 visions and revisions
"Before the taking of a toast and tea"
Wake up, sleepyheads.
It's time for school.
Did you have an epiphany?
No. But I did have a really good idea.
You can pick any one you want.
Any one? Any one.
Just as long as it is unique and amazing like you.
Oh, hey, pal. Come on in.
Just watching this kitten video on YouTube. This kitten is crazy.
Sorry, can I talk to you about something?
Sure. Come on in. Have a seat. What's on your mind?
It's just that I'm having some trouble getting used to my cubicle partner.
Jerry? But he's hilarious. Yeah.
It's just that he's a little inappropriate and...
I know I'm relatively new here.
So I don't want to ruffle anyone's status quo.
But I think it's time I let you know that he's making me uncomfortable.
Okay, so what did he say?
Well, he started with saying that when he's not wearing any underwear, that he gets these little half-boners.
He also made it talk to me.
Well, what did it sound like?
I don't know. It's like a high-pitched...
Like a ghost voice.
Okay, but he didn't do a black guy voice or anything, did he?
He didn't do anything racial?
No, it was high-pitched.
Good. Like a mouse.
Or, like I said, a ghost.
Like a ghost mouse.
Okay, okay. Look, Sarah, I know we don't always run things according to the book around here, but I think you need to lighten up a little bit.
Nobody's trying to touch you.
No one's making their penis talk like a rapper.
So, I'll tell you what. I am going to move Jerry out of your cubicle and I'm also gonna tell him to tone it down a notch.
But you need to promise to smile a little more.
You know, a little bit more Hakuna matata.
I don't know what that means.
It means, "No worries for the rest of your days."
No, I have two children, I know it's from The Lion King.
I just don't understand how that applies to the water department.
It means that you need to lighten up a little bit, Sarah.
You've got something everybody else wants.
Remind me what that is.
Well, I guess technically this could qualify as art class.
Hey, bud, make sure you're cutting along the lines here that I drew, okay?
That's for the chest piece. It's very special.
Aren't you a little old for playing dress-up?
It's hardly playing dress-up, Aidan.
It's for Comic-Con. The top prize is $1,000.
Not to mention the chance for some congratulatory poontang from a super-hot Furry I just met.
It's what the astronauts drink.
Can I have some poontang? One day.
It's only available in space.
So, hey, we're gonna meet up at my house around 6:30 and then we'll go see Dad, okay?
Oh, yeah, right. I've been meaning to talk to you about that, Aidan.
You know, I got a ton of work here and plus, I'm not going.
Dude, what's the point? I haven't seen him for, like, a year.
I guess my tolerance for being called a disappointment has an expiration date.
You haven't spoken to Dad in a year?
No. The last time he called me was on my birthday.
I think my present was a 20-minute thesis on why I suck.
So you're just gonna cut him off.
Dude, you gotta see this from my perspective, okay?
You at least have a wife and a family.
When he looks at me, all he sees is failure.
Well, what about Grandma?
No. My mom believed in me.
With her, things were different.
She at least made him a tad bit nicer.
But with my dad...
Nope, never gave him any reason to be proud of me.
All right, let's try it on.
Well, what do you think?
So cool. Awesome!
We both spent our entire lives wishing we could be something great.
And now we're finally called upon to do something that requires some actual bravery and you run and hide.
You know what the problem with hiding in a fish bowl is, Noah?
Everyone can see you.
Come on, guys. Let's go see Grandpa.
Grace, come on.
Bye, Uncle Noah. I love you.
All right. Thanks. Thank you.
I'm lost in balloons. Right in here. Right in...
Look who it is, Grandpa!
Give Grandpa a hug.
Hey. Thank you.
Got you some balloons.
Mommy will put those in the corner.
I'll take those.
What's wrong, Dad?
What'd these hippies do to your hair?
Oh, it's just temporary dye, Dad. She was just having a little fun.
Right, Gracie? Yeah.
Looks like you work in the world's oldest profession.
What's the world's oldest profession?
Being an angel was the very first job there was.
I am your angel, Grandpa.
I daven a healing prayer for you three times a day.
Once in the morning, once... Grandpa!
I bought you a fart buzzer.
What's a fart buzzer?
It's this thing.
You press different buttons and it makes different funny fart noises.
You may choose any fart you would like.
I choose for you the Ripper.
Oh, I see the homeschooling's going well.
Tucker, do you know your times tables yet?
No. But I know this.
I don't know if Grandpa's a big fan of the fart buzzer.
I'm gonna take the fart buzzer. Put that away.
You gotta learn those times tables.
Oh, he's just working on addition, Dad.
Yeah. He's six.
I know my times tables.
Yeah, there you go. We got someone who knows them there.
Good. Study hard. Don't become an actor.
Well, maybe I'll take the kids outside.
No, sweetie. Don't, no, no, no one's going anywhere.
Yeah, I think maybe it's time to take them.
It's fine when you're playing around in college.
But sooner or later you have to provide for your family.
You're gonna need those times tables.
Well, maybe Tucker will have a wife who loves him and supports him.
And will remind him of the answer if he occasionally forgets.
Maybe he'll marry someone that enables his fantasies.
Lets him sit around waiting for a dream to come true while his children sit dumbfounded by the edge of a muddy pool.
Grace can't even swim, for God's sakes.
Um, grandpa, I found something for you.
Something that you're gonna need.
What, my angel, my hope?
What the hell am I gonna do with welder's goggles?
Well, here, put them on.
You look good.
Now, when you head into the white light, you won't have to squint.
So you can find Grandma.
Guys, that was fantastic.
Why don't you take a break?
It was beautiful, you guys.
Really nice. Thanks.
I'm not here to convert.
Good, 'cause I've already met my quota.
Have a seat.
You know, I was kosher until I was 13.
Yeah. My father told me that I was officially a man at my Bar Mitzvah.
So I told him that, as a man, I wanted to have a bacon double cheeseburger.
I think I saw his head explode.
But to his credit, he let me eat whatever I wanted outside the house.
I think I impressed him with my logic.
What brings you to temple, Aidan?
When we were kids, my brother and I used to pretend we were these superhero space-men.
We'd go out to the woods behind our house and pretend it was this mystical planet and we were the only ones who could save everybody.
But I've been thinking about that a lot lately.
Remembering those fantasies for the first time in, like, 14 years.
What do you think it means?
I don't know. And I'm even embarrassed to say this out loud, but if I can't say it to you, I can't say it to anybody.
Do you think God is trying to tell me something?
Trying to guide me in some way?
And if you say He works in mysterious ways, I will run out that door.
Do you feel any spiritual connection at all to anything?
Looking up at the sky with my kids and trying to explain to them that it goes on forever.
I do feel a spirituality in that.
Could that be God?
God can be whatever you want him to be.
You're getting tangled in semantics.
Try not to get caught up in the God who wants you to be kosher, and the God who wants you to study the Torah.
Start with God as the infinite universe, and imagine that that force may be trying desperately to guide you through the most challenging part of your life.
Even if it has to appear to you in the form of a space-man to get you to listen.
Why does Grandpa have baby jellyfish?
Those aren't jellyfish, buddy.
Believe it or not, those are contact lenses.
Your grandpa saved all the contact lenses he ever wore.
He said he just couldn't bear to throw them out
'cause it's everything he ever saw.
It's weird, right?
I know, but it's kinda good-weird. I like it.
Well, he must have seen a lot of stuff.
He did. If you think about it, all those years, all the things that he saw with his eyes through those lenses.
Also, before he retired, he was a microbiology professor.
That's someone who studies things you can only see with a microscope.
So, really, really, really tiny things. Hey!
I know the albums are fascinating, but I could use a little help getting this place set up so it's nice and cozy for when Grandpa comes home.
So, if Grandpa's dying, then why is he coming home?
Because we don't want Grandpa to be alone in a scary hospital.
We want him to come home and be with his family, be with us.
So we're making him all cozy so he's happy when he meets God?
Whoa! When did Grandpa have this cool car?
Look at that thing.
That, my friends, is a '62 Cadillac. Look at those fins.
Look how happy he was, huh?
Why, this was taken at a dealership.
He could never afford that car.
It does suck.
Hello. Welcome to Aston Martin.
Hello. Um, my name is Marco and I work for Sean "Puff Daddy" "Dirty Money" Combs.
Um, these are Puffy's children, and he's asked me to come in and test drive the new Aston Martin DB9 Volante.
Can I talk to you for a second?
Please, come right here.
Be good, children.
I know what you're thinking.
"Why are Puffy's kids white?"
Well, so many celebrities were going and adopting black children.
You know what he went and did? Mmm-mmm.
He went to Switzerland and adopted these two skim-milk popsicles.
Tucker! Do not. Tucker, it's not funny.
I know what you're trying to do.
Do you know how many people walk in here and try to sweet-talk their way into test-driving one of these bad boys?
So annoying. Hey! I never fall for it.
But I can see your daughter's sick.
So, you know what? I'm gonna make an exception.
And you don't even look good in the wig.
So take it off, like, seriously.
No way. It's my wig.
She is sick, isn't she?
Have some respect.
So sick. Mmm...
What's your name? Anthony.
Anthony's here, too, Dad.
All right, Anthony. Welcome to our classroom.
Now, kids, unless you're on the Autobahn, you're never gonna get a car like this up to speed.
So in a city like LA, it's really about what it sounds like when you floor it from a full stop.
Yes, but, kids, we're on Robertson Boulevard.
So there will be no flooring it from a full stop, will there be?
No, sir. Thank you.
Did I scare you?
I thought if I ever saw you here alone, you'd be putting a pillow over my face.
You're lying on the only two in the room.
I've been watching the paramedics come and go for the last half-hour.
And every few minutes they race in at full speed doing everything they can to save someone's life and then a few minutes later, they all walk outside and smoke cigarettes.
You never really think about death until you're here.
Chemicals pumping into your veins while you watch Maury Povich.
I'm unclear which one is killing me faster.
Can I offer you some saline?
I'm glad to see you're keeping your sense of humor.
What else am I supposed to do?
Eventually things get tragic enough and they circle back to comedy.
You know, I don't think I ever told you this,
but when I lost my sister, you were the most helpful person to me.
I mean, I'm glad if I was, but I don't even remember what I said.
You said, "Nothing in life will call upon us to be more courageous
"than facing the fact that it ends.
"But on the other side of heartbreak is wisdom."
I said that?
That was good advice.
And now here I am, a shiva waiting to happen.
Well, the wisdom that came out for me was that the things left unsaid stay with us forever.
I wish nothing more than if I could tell my sister how much I loved her and that I always idolized her.
But we never said those things.
We just weren't like that.
And suddenly one day she's gone.
And I have all these things to say, but no one to say them to.
Both my boys know how I feel.
Are you sure, Gabe?
I told them I wanted to retire.
They pushed me out.
'Cause I wasn't keeping up with technology.
Don't let anyone push them out.
Have you told them this?
What is this?
Is this an intervention?
Did you come here to tell me how I failed as a father?
Not at all. You've raised two incredible boys, Gabe.
They may not have quick answers or awards on their mantles.
In fact, neither one of them has a mantle.
But they're incredible,
with big, sensitive hearts.
And right now they need to know how much their father loves them.
Barbara used to help you with the hard part of parenting, right?
She made everyone around her happy.
She just brought out the best in me.
I think if she were here right now she'd tell you that your boys will remember this time for the rest of their lives.
It will shape who they are as men.
You're gonna make a great matriarch one day.
I already am a great matriarch, Gabe.
At least I'm working on it.
Today, we are going to Mr. Miyagi the shit out of this fence.
Who's Mr. Miyagi?
Mr. Miyagi is an older Asian man that taught me many life lessons.
The point is I'm sick of looking at this fence.
Today we're gonna fix it.
Tucker, where's your drill?
It's under my pillow. Please go get it.
Whoo-hoo! Okay, Grace, come up here.
Hop on the diving board.
You are going to recite this poem while Tucker and I work on the fence.
Then we'll switch.
This is weird.
Think of it as a prayer you're not expecting anyone to answer.
All right, Tuck, good. Come over here. Put the drill down.
We're gonna use it later when we put 'em back up.
Come over here with this crowbar.
And the point is to jam it in here and then use your leverage.
Slide your arms down. Yeah!
Oh! You're a natural at this.
Next up, we're gonna re-plaster that pool.
"Something there is that doesn't love a wall
"That sends the frozen-ground-swell under it
"And spills the upper boulders in the sun
"I let my neighbor know beyond the hill
"And on a day we meet to walk the line
"And set the wall between us once again
"Before I built a wall I'd ask to know
"What I was walling in or walling out
"And to whom I was like to give offense
"Something there is that doesn't love a wall
"That wants it down"
That's a load of colors. Uh-huh.
What's going on back there?
I'm comforting you.
You've been going through a lot lately.
Thank you, baby.
I really need to be comforted right now.
Good night all the moonlight ladies Rock-a-bye sweet baby James Deep greens and blues are the colors I choose Won't you let me go down in my dreams?
And rock-a-bye sweet baby James
Where are the kids?
They're plastering the pool.
I'm on a break. They don't deserve a break.
They need to work harder.
This is the little hand that took so long to plaster anything.
I missed you.
What do you mean you missed me? I've been right here.
No, you haven't been.
I haven't seen you in a while.
But I'm glad you're here, Mr. Bloom.
I am Khaleesi, Queen of the Dragons.
You are Khaleesi and I am the brown guy who died.
I can't remember my name, but I think it might be Drago.
This is awesome.
I've never heard of post-sex role-playing, but I like it.
I have to tell you something, and I don't want you to go crazy.
It's all under control, but I just feel like it's something you should be aware of.
You know that guy Jerry that I share my cubicle with at work?
He's been acting kind of inappropriate lately.
Is he, like, trying to touch you or something?
No, no, no, nothing like that.
It's more like doing stuff like making his penis talk.
Are you fucking kidding me?
Honey, honey, calm down.
Well, did you talk to Human Resources?
I talked to my boss and he told me to sing Hakuna Matata.
Where does he live? I'll go fucking talk to him.
I don't need my husband to come to my rescue.
I can handle this.
I feel like I should, like, I have to talk to him.
I wanna fucking kill him.
I can't believe you're just telling me about this now.
Honey. I told you I didn't want you to go crazy.
Hey, hey. Hi, George.
Hey. Oh, your lips are so chapped, Dad.
Here's some ice. George is slacking on you.
There you go. There you go.
Much better. That feel good?
Remember when that ice cream truck would come around when you were little?
You and Noah would hear the music and light up.
And the three of us would chase after him till he stopped.
Were there fireflies?
I can't remember.
Dad, you know there's no fireflies in Los Angeles.
I wanna remember it with fireflies.
What was that I always used to get? I forgot.
Your favorite was the toasted almond.
Toasted almond. Yes, sir.
I'll have one of those.
That's the last thing I wanna taste, Aidan.
Okay, you got a deal. I'll bring it to you.
Wouldn't it be great if your brother could be there, too?
That would be great, Dad. That would be really, really great.
You promise me.
Promise me you'll try to make that happen.
I need to see him.
I wanna make amends.
I promise you.
Get some sleep. Why don't you take a nap?
Let me lead the way, Captain.
Let me lead the way, Captain.
Let me... These Ractonians. It's Ractonian.
Let me lead the way, Captain.
These Ractonians could be hiding anywhere.
I'm sorry to bother you, have you seen this show?
No one's seen this show.
It's an insult to sci-fi.
Captain Kirk's probably turning over in his grave.
Well, technically Captain Kirk isn't even born until 2233, but that's irrelevant.
Sorry, I'm a bit of an aficionado and this dog shit is the reason the genre gets no respect.
Let me lead the way, Captain.
Can I give you one thought, though?
I don't mean to be presumptuous at all. No. Yeah.
But I just was listening to you and I just thought...
You're the first one off the ship.
You don't even have a name.
Okay, now we don't have the whole script, but the guy has two lines in the first act and he's gonna be the first one off the ship.
He's gonna die.
Of course he's gonna die!
He's seconds away from getting his whole head blown off by a bunch of Ractonians, okay?
So, just factor that in.
Amp up the fear a little bit. Right.
This is probably the single scariest moment of Random Crew Member Number One's life. Absolutely.
So, there's nothing cavalier about it.
No. Right. Right. He's focused and terrified.
Thank you. Sure, just...
Why are you helping me?
I have no idea.
It makes no sense, but, you know, whatever.
Careful, it could be kindness.
Oh, God, I hope not. I'll get eaten alive in this town.
His outfit's amazing.
That's his first costume?
Replacing your own pool filter is challenging, but a lot of fun.
One thing's for certain. You're gonna need some skilled helpers.
That's really good, buddy.
Yeah, get all that gross stuff off. You're doing awesome.
Yeah, yeah, put him on.
Dad? Are you okay?
Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I'm coming. I'm coming right now.
Was that Grandpa?
He wants me to bring him a toasted almond.
Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
I'm so glad we're neighbors.
I thought you might want to know that your father might pass away at any moment now.
I think you should come home.
I've been talking to him a lot, Noah, and he wants to apologize.
He wants to make amends, he wants to make things right.
We've been over this, Aidan.
Look, I've been thinking and...
Maybe you don't realize this until you have kids of your own, but being a father is really hard.
Look, uh, Aidan, I gotta go.
Let me talk to him.
Not now, sweetie. No.
Hi, it's Grace.
Did Janine like the costume?
Did she give you some poontang?
Uh, yeah, she sure did.
Uncle Noah, I've never asked you for anything, have I?
I didn't get mad when you forgot my birthday or Hanukkah or that time you got drunk and peed in my closet.
Uh, well, Grace, I got locked in there.
Somebody locked me in there.
I want you to come see Grandpa.
Are you okay?
Grace, um, can I tell you a secret?
Losing my mom was the hardest thing I've ever been through.
I don't know if I can take it again.
I know that you're sad.
But we're sad, too.
And we should all be together.
I know that you don't believe in God.
But maybe you can believe in family.
He hung up.
Maybe we got disconnected.
But it kind of felt like he hung up.
Here it is.
Dad, I think I see the guy who sits next to Mommy at work.
No. Did you ever hear of the drink Kefir?
It isn't. Well, I'm gonna get a Kefir.
Okay, hold this. I'm gonna go talk to him.
Dad, not now. Grandpa!
It's only gonna take a second.
Are you into any of these products?
I don't drink dairy.
You don't drink dairy?
How do you get all your protein?
Don't take veggies. You never had cream in your coffee?
Depends on the cream.
Don't you like your cake with frosting on it?
Wouldn't you like a milky, like, sweet, like, strawberry kind of, you know, yogurt?
Excuse me, are you Jerry?
The guy with the talking dick?
Yeah. I told you. Who the hell are you?
My name is Aidan Bloom. I'm Sarah's husband.
How you doing? Nice to meet you.
I have been racking my brain trying to figure out how to handle this situation.
If you ever so much as exhale near my wife again, I promise to sue you for sexual harassment.
Stay away from my wife, you wretched piece of shit.
That did not go as planned.
Are you okay?
I think you lost, Dad.
Here, put this on your eye.
We gotta go. Come on.
Honey, oh, my God! What happened to your eye?
I ran into Jerry at the supermarket.
Oh, my God.
Hey, Dad, I'm here.
Look, I'm here. Toasted almond.
What happened to your eye?
Oh. Don't worry about it, Dad.
Don't worry about that at all.
The point is I'm here, okay?
I'm here and Sarah's here and the kids are here.
And the rabbis are here and we all love you.
I'm sorry, I don't think Noah's gonna make it, Dad.
I did everything I could.
Thank you, Aidan.
For what, Dad?
For doing your best to hold this family together when I couldn't.
How did you get that shiner?
I ran into someone who's been harassing Sarah at work.
You went after him, huh?
That takes guts.
Good for you.
You showed up.
How are you feeling?
I'm not afraid.
Isn't that funny?
I thought I'd be afraid.
I think that's the bravest thing I've ever heard.
Really? Yeah, I really do.
I promise you.
Do you see that or is God very different than I imagined?
Noah! That's Noah, Dad. You made it?
Dad, it's Noah. He made it.
Noah, you're a warrior.
No, I just won a contest.
But you won.
Yeah, Dad, I won.
I'm so proud of you.
I'm so tired.
Hold my hands.
Right here. Right here, Dad.
We love you.
If there's a next time, I'll do better.
Try to remember how fast it goes.
When we were kids, Noah and I used to pretend that we were heroes with swords, the only ones who could save the day.
But perhaps we set the bar a little bit high.
Maybe we're just the regular people.
The ones who get saved.
Oh, my God!
Dude! This is because of you. I got that part.
Oh, my God! Yeah.
They fucked you up.
Yeah, no, you were totally right.
Soon as I get off the ship, there's fucking Ractonians everywhere.
I got crushed.
By the way, what's your name?
I'm Aidan. Hey, I'm Paul.
Nice to meet you. No, thank you again for that note.
I was just talking about you in a meeting. I didn't have your number.
I work with this little theater company in Topanga.
Have you ever given any thought to teaching?
Not... No, no.
Well, look, we have these classes for college kids and we're looking for somebody new.
The pay is just okay, but the people are amazing.
You should come by and give it a look.
They'd love you. Would you come by?
That'd be really cool. I'd be honored.
Really? You'll come? Yeah.
I'd give you my number, but I doubt you have a phone in your little onesie.
Yeah, no, I don't, but I've got places I can put things.
All right, let's do it. My trailer's right here.
Will you come with me just two seconds? Of course.
Yeah, thank you. Wonderful.
The Blooms are willing to drop both the sexual harassment and public-battery charges as long as we give her a year's paid salary and you agree to this.
Ostensibly, it's a sexual harassment workshop.
The Blooms are adamant that you need to attend.
What the hell is this?
Well, it's typically a three-month course, but the Blooms are insisting that you take it seven times.
Oh! Also, you're fired.
Are the Gilberts home?
Oh, it's okay. I'm a friend of the Gilberts and they asked me to come by and fix the drain at the bottom of their pool.
But I'm leaving.
Oh, that's okay. I'll close the gate behind me. Thank you.
Mmm, AC feels good.
Dad, this is so embarrassing.
Don't worry. The Gilberts are in St. Tropez all spring.
It's their own fault for bragging.
Now before I let school out for the semester, we're gonna get you ready for Jesse's party.
I want you to jump in.
But I don't know anything about swimming.
I know, sweetheart. I want you to jump in. I'm gonna be here for you.
If I die, I'm gonna be so pissed at you.
We have a deal.
Do it. Go for it.
What lady is that, which doth