Wonderwall (1968) Script


Have a nice weekend, Mr. Collins Same to you, my dear Perkins.

Goodnight, Mr. Collins, have a nice weekend.

Have a nice weekend, Mr. Charmers.

Check everything in good order.

Return subject of experiment to morgue.

Cheese to the mice.

Umbrella, briefcase.

Electricity off.

Goodnight. Have a nice weekend.

Camera obscura, aaah.

No, no, Perkins. Not with the sugar tongs.

She's too delicate.

Mother, is that you?

Ah! No use, no use.




No, mother, no, no. No, you're wrong, you're wrong.

Here you are, sir.

Thank you.

"Are you in a hole?"

This is too much man.

Mr. Collins. Mrs. Peurofoy.

I'm sorry. Are these yours, dear? Oh, yes, yes, of course.

I mean I found them outside on the landing.

Yes, I know, I know.


Ain't it a lovely day, Mr. Collins? Yes.

What's the matter with him?

Oh frankly... Mr. Collins.

I've been meaning to tell you sir. Two hours ain't enough.

I beg your pardon? Two hours it ain't enough time.

I mean I can't do all week's washing up in a couple of hours.

It's the laundry want sorting, I've got the bed to change.

I beg your pardon, sir? Why?

Why what? Why is it not possible?

Because it just ain't.

I mean you take the dishes alone.

I've got to wash and dry.

You what, what? Dry, sir!

Yes, I know it is. But it's not going to last Mrs. Peurofoy.

Do you hear that sound?

Well, electricity. Static electricity.

The air is full of it.

Look. Oh, I see.

No, I still think it isn't enough.

Well, it's more than enough.

I'm telling you it's crap, Mr. Collins. It ain't!

Your lovely butterflies! However did that happen?

I hit them with my time machine.

With your what machine?

The clock, Mrs. Peurofoy. The alarm clock.

Ah, love 'em! Pretty dears.

Not to worry. They all flew away, free as a flutter.

Thank you dear!

You're hoovering again! Pardon?

You're hoov... hoovering again! Yes, I know dear.

I don't like it.

Well, I must do it once a month, sir.

Well, it's only been three weeks and a half.

Now dear, four... four weeks, Mr. Collins.

Oh, that's alright, Mrs. Peurofoy. I'm behind in my work.

No more hoovering today, Mrs. Peurofoy. Please. Now go now.

Now I'll be done in an hour and a half.

That's alright, I'll pay you for two. Here you are.

Oh dear, I don't think I've got any change.

Oh that's alright. Take a look. Oh, well.

And go, just go. Thank you very much, sir.

Sorry about the change.

By the way, is your daughter any better, Mrs. Peurofoy?

Daughter? About daughter, I'm not even married, dear.

Oh well, we should all be married sooner or later, Mrs. Peurofoy?

Says who?


With very close range CF intermolecular strong repulsive forces are not known.

Of course, of course.

Like apples. Apples.

Why my good man, they've been falling down for years.

But from that's to infer...


Could it be possible?

Somebody had to think of it sooner or later.

Those Americans, no wonder such budgets.


Listen, you keep somebody out with people.

If he wants you for a movie, he's gonna ring up your agent, right?

What's the problem?

We're having a bit of trouble at the moment.

No, she's doing great.

Yeah, we're having a party tonight.

I'd like you to come along.

It's at eight o'clock. Ask me and I'll look after you. Of course. Yeah, you'll be ok.

That's what I like about you. You're much cooler than the others.

Yeah. Okay, see you when? Bye.

That's the boy, Fido.

Hi there! Remember me? We met at the elevator.

I'm sorry to disturb you. Could you spare some ice?

Ice from the fridge. Fridge?


Oh, yes, by all means!

Excuse me.

May I...?

It seems to be stuck. Yes.

Here we are. A lot of ice you got here, Professor.

Well I hope it's enough for you.

What's that?

Oh, that's the mantis, the "praying mantis"

It is a tropical insect.

This is the female.

A solitary creature. She has the habit of devouring the male of the species after the love embrace.

Just like birds.

Oh, no, no, you're wrong.

Birds are essentially monogamous and love their mates.

I mean girls. Oh, I see.

Well, I have to split. Split?

I mean I must be going.

I hope the party is not disturbing you.

It's for Penny, my girl.

She's got a cover on Vogue.

Vogue, the fashion magazine. Oh! Congratulations.

No, not for me. The cycle of Pisces is coming to an end.

Thanks for everything, Professor. It was beautiful. So long.


A nice cup of tea for you, Mr. Collins. We have been ....

Mmm hmm, yes.

Yes, none of them were positive. None?

We're definitely not bubonic plague. That's it.

I beg your pardon? It is.

I'm talking about the analysis.

Yes, the analysis, obviously.

How do you like the feeds? I read.

Read? The Walter Reports?

I mean, send them off.

Aren't you going to verify the reports?

Absolutely not. I have work to do.

Can you see her now?

I can't see her anymore.

Mr. Collins, aren't you feeling very well?

I feel a bit dizzy.

Well, perhaps you better lie down for a moment.

Lie down, you think so?

Yes, sir. I do, certainly.

Frankly sir, you look quite off colour.

Once again, thanks for seeing me home and in bed.

It's only natural that I would.

Sleep well, Mr. Collins. Bye.

Until tomorrow.

Eat... or not to eat?

Mr. Collins, Perkins here, sir.

I just wanted to know if you are getting on alright.

What do you mean, waking me up at dawn?

It's noon already.

Noon? Yes, sir.

And I... well we here are worried about you, sir. Are you alright?

I'm fine, fine. Goodbye Perkins.





You're pregnant.


Perkins. What are you doing out there?

Well Mr. Collins, sir. It's been more than a week, and I would ...

Well, what I mean is the line was always engaged, so I said to myself you must go there...

One second, Perkins. I'm no longer a child, you know.

I have the right to be alone. Isolated...

Yes, but Mr. Collins, I... It's unbelievable!

What do you think I am doing?

I don't know, sir. You don't know?

Well, I am working, that's what.

I am carrying out experiments of the greatest importance to mankind.

Why are you looking at? Me? Nothing.

There are times, Perkins, when I must admit I find your behavior very strange.

Very strange, indeed.

It's your health I'm worried about, sir.

Oh well then, in that case, I've got news for you Perkins.

I've got the measles.

You can't come in here. I've already had measles.

Oh no, you haven't. Not this kind.

This is a new microbe. Highly contagious.

You are not even allowed to talk to me.


Don't forget to wash your hands with alcohol.

And don't go near the water. Go away!

Good morning. Are you alright?

Yes, sorry to disturb you, Professor.

Oh, not at all, not at all.

Well, this is very embarrassing.

Penny, my girlfriend, wanted to ask you.

Yes, yes. What is it?

You wouldn't have any spare banana, would you?

Oh yes.

I mean, no. I'm awfully sorry.

How about some sugar? Sugar, yes, of course. Do come inside.

Here we are.

Here. You can take it all. Oh sugar cubes. It's beautiful!

Looks as if your pet vermin are not well.

Oh, they are Orthoptero, not vermin.

Oh, they don't look good, all the same to me.

Do you live alone? Yes, yes.

I wish I could. Could what?

Have my own apartment. Live alone for a while.

No, no, no thank you. I don't smoke.

God, it's a drag. What is? Smoking?

Women, you wouldn't believe it?

No, I wouldn't.

You see, I have this girl who is in a mess.

She getting so uptight, I don't know which way to break.


She's into the model seem. Have you caught her scutchers?

Scutchers? Is she an alcoholic?

No, I mean, legs, her ankles.

She's so involved with that model fantasy it's driving her crazy.

Crying in her sleep and all that. Yes, I know.

I mean she must be very disturbed.

Mentally, that is. I'm no head shrinker.

Oh no. No, you're not.

Do you remember that song, "I gotta find a reason for leaving this girl"?

That's my song. No, I don't like songs.

Music is just organized noise.

And noise is poison to the mind.

That's what's the matter with her. Too much music.

Thank you very much for the sugar cubes, Professor.

You're welcome. I'll be going along now.

Let me show you to the door.

Well professor, thanks for everything.

Rock out!


I said, help!




SCIENTIST SAVES FASHION MODEL Ms. Lane said to our reporters:

"I shall start a new life".

That's what you must do when you're born for a second time.

Good morning all. Well, good morning, sir.

Oh Perkins!

Perkins.... Perkins come and see...

Oh Perkins,