Yellowbeard (1983) Script

Greetings from Martin's Comedy Movies.

Now I am the richest person in the world.

I am the richest person in the world.

Now I am the richest person in the world.

I am the richest person in the world. I am...

Mi capitán, not another ship in sight.

Yes, King Carlos should be very pleased.

Tell me, who is more important to please... the King of Spain or God?

Well, God, of course.

And who is God's personal representative in this vicinity?

Well, you are, Your Blessed Rectitude.

Well, God wants to keep all of it.


And anybody who dares "buts" God's personal representative... will soon find his head pierced and his neck stretched... and will go on to meet God very quickly!

Which is more than anybody could reasonably hope for...

Your Holy Ruthlessness.

Instead, you may bang your head on the floor until forgiven.

Congratulations, Captain Yellowbeard.

I'm glad my plan was a success. Your plan, my gold.

Hands off my treasure, Bosun Moon!

I said hands off!

Do I have to do everything myself?

Come now, don't slow down.

Step over him. Move it.

Step out of the way. We've got another one here now.

Over here.

Bloody hell, another one. Bloody witches.

Corpses, corpses, all day long. Never stops.

You know, Gilbert, being a prisoner's not what it was when I came in here.

Here we go.

Whimpering poncies. They get a leg broken and they faint.

A few fingernails pulled out, they start crying.

When they stretched me on a rack for a couple of years...

I didn't go around dying all over the place.

Pathetic. Taking the easy way out like that.

How do you mean exactly?

Dying. He'd only been in 15 years.

You won't catch me dying. They'll have to kill me before I die.

Many a man has tried, Captain Yellowbeard.

And soon you will be at large again.

With a hand-picked crew of the hardest buccaneers... that have ever stained the seven seas with Spanish blood.

It was most unjust I thought, locking you up for... merely doing your duty.

Twenty years for killing 5,000 dagos and frogs.

Betrayed by me right-hand man, that bastard Moon.

But he never found out where you hid the treasure, did he?

No! Nor will he ever.

Where did you hide the treasure, actually?

You won't catch me with those trick questions.

What really pisses me off, is...

What is it now? You've got a visitor.

I expect that'll be the Queen with my pardon.

Hello, sugar drawers. What, you again?

Again? I haven't seen you for 15 years.

What is it this time?

Well, what with you being let out next week...

I thought it was my duty as a wife to bring you up to date on a few things.

Now, do you remember just before you were arrested we were having a cuddle?

I was raping you, if that's what you mean. All right.

Sort of half cuddle, half rape. Get on with it, woman!

Well, I haven't told you this before, because I wanted him to be brought up... like a gentleman and not a pirate.

Who are you talking about?

The fruit of your loins, sugar drawers. Are you mad, woman?

I haven't got fruit in my loins. Lice, yes, and proud of them!

It means that we have spawned a son.

Done what?

You have just become the father... of a 20-year-old bouncing boy called Dan.

A son. Takes after me, does he?


By the time I was 20, I'd killed 500 men.

Well, he's not quite so extroverted as you, but he's...

A thief? No.

A rapist? No.

Bloody hell. I give up. What is he then? He's a gardener.

A gardener? A Yellowbeard gardening? I'll see about that when I'm out.

What is it now? Time's up, sir.

So your son's a gardener, eh?

There you are, Mr. Pew. I said a double.

Did you? I know a double when I hears one. When!

Dan's coming.

Reading as usual.

There you are, Dan.

Got a moment? I'm reading something.

Read, read.

Read, read, read.

There's more important things in life than reading, Son.

Keep an ear on the bar, would you, Mr. Pew?


If there's one thing I've learned in life... it's that learning things never taught me nothing.

And books is the worst. All right, Mother.

Last time I read a book, I was raped.

So let that be a lesson to you. What do you want?

Well, it's about your father.

What about him?

Well, when I said he was dead...

I was only trying to cushion the blow. What blow?

He's alive.

He's alive and imprisoned as a pirate.

A pirate?

Like Yellowbeard? Very much like Yellowbeard, yes.

In fact, he is Yellowbeard.

No, thank you, sir.

Commander Clement, Royal Navy.

Welcome, Commander Clement.

Her Majesty's temporary throne room... is in the huge withdrawing room. Thank you, Lady Lambourn.

Lambourn, stop that man pissing on the hedge.

It's imported!

You, come here! You, stop that at once!

That comes special, all the way from Egypt!

Next... the head of Her Majesty's Secret Service.

Not to be read out loud.

Excuse me. Joking apart.

Royal Navy Commander Clement.

The fat one on the throne is the Queen.

She's not very well today, so I should kneel upwind of her.

And the thin one is Lady Churchill. She's the brains of the outfit.

State your business. Your Majesty, we in the Naval Department... while being keenly aware of recent spirals in Defense expenditure... humbly submit... Are you the Prime Minister?

Secret Service.


You're a beekeeper. That'll do for her.

Will it? What do you want?

The pirate Yellowbeard is due to be released in two days... and despite years of unpleasantness, he's still told us nothing... of the treasure he's hidden.

However, I have a detailed plan here.

I doubt if she could manage more than the label on a gin bottle.

Just tell us.

Well, milady, we'd like you to increase his sentence, so he's bound to escape... and make straight for the treasure. I shall need a fast ship to follow him.

A sensible request, I think, Your Majesty.

The beekeeper would like this signed.


Come on, move it, you ratbag! Get in there!

Mr. Yellowbeard. Captain to you, you scum.

Quite. Sorry, "Captain" Yellowbeard.

Yes. Twenty years ago today, you were sentenced to jail.

Yes, and now I'm due to be released.

Yes. Or rather no.

You see, 20 years ago... no one was expected to live in jail for 20 years.

Filthy, horrendous conditions that existed then, and, indeed... still exist today.

So the judge who sentenced you had no idea you would survive.

Therefore, Her Majesty has graciously agreed... to increase your sentence a further 140 years. Case dismissed.

I've got him!


Get off of me! What are you doing?

Stop him! Stop him!

Get over there where you belong!

Went well with the Commander then, did it? No.

So I can take it you won't be leaving us just yet, as it were.

They broke their solemn word.

There's governments for you.

I expect they wanted to know about the treasure.

Yes, and that's something they'll never know.

Well, until you tell them about the treasure... the only way you're gonna get out of here is feet first.

Open the gate! Must be an awful strain... being the only man in the world knowing where it's hidden.

Why don't you share the burden with a friend?


Mr. Moon?

Is that you? Get a move on, Gilbert.

Coming, Captain. Here I come.

Move, you scum.

Yellowbeard. Who was that stink?

I do wish it didn't have to be such a rush every time.


I haven't got time for that now!

Well, it's been 20 years since we had a little cuddle... and what do you do? Come in here and give me a kiss?

No. You rush in and hack a hole in the wall.

Where's the map? What map?

If you say you don't know where it is...

I'll nail your tits to the table!

Oh, dear!

I know where it is.

It's burnt.

You burnt my map?

But only after I copied it. Where's the copy?

When little Dan came along... Who's Dan?

My and probably your son!

When little Dan was two minutes old...

I tattooed it on his head.

Does he know about this? No. Nor nobody else, neither.

That's why I kept him in the cupboard for three years.

That may be why he's a bit odd... with all these books and reading and stuff like that.

Where is he now? Lambourn Hall.

Right. I'll go up there and cut his head off.

Where's my pirating outfit?

Royal Navy here.

Where's Yellowbeard?


Where is Yellowbeard?






gone! Gone!

Well... if he's gone, you must have seen him.


Who's the pretty boy?

Shut up!

And what's this?

That's Lord Lambourn's waistcoat. He's such a kind man.

He thinks of everybody. He left those here in case you escaped... and needed a change of clothing. I'm sure I killed the last one I raped.

It can't have been you.

The after-play was a bit on the rough side... but not fatal, dear.

What's this Dan, or whatever you call him, look like?

He looks a little bit like Lord Lambourn, actually.

But a bit more like you. Much more like you, in fact.

Yellowbeard. A tall, rough man with a big yellow beard.

That's our agent, sir.

Did you see...

He's blind, you stupid sod! I may be blind... but I have acute hearing.

I'm not interested in your jewelry, cloth eyes. I'm trying to conduct...

Yellowbeard... was here. How do you know it was him?

Because he sounded... about 47... and his clothing gave off the unmistakable fibrous crackling sound... of the 80% hessian... Which way did he go?

Whilst the deafening rustling of his beard... indicated a length of not... Which way did he go?

Upstairs. Come on!

Where's Yellowbeard? He's in prison, isn't he?

Your husband escaped this evening. We know he came straight here.

Come to think of it, somebody did come in here a while back... but I don't think it was my husband. These are his clothes.

Wait a minute. Somebody did pop in and rape me.

These must be his clothes. That's Yellowbeard, all right.

Prison has reformed him.

He never bothered to take his clothes off in the old days.

Where did he go? I've no idea.

Right, Mansell. Bring those clothes. We'll need a scent.

For the dogs. Right.


Evening, Gilbert. Now look here, Pew.

I'm all ears. Those two gentlemen that just left... you didn't tell them everything you heard, did you, shipmate?

What gentlemen?

I didn't hear you mention much about a map.

What map? Yellowbeard's map.

The one that any pirate worth his parrot would give both his wooden legs for.

You're drunk, Gilbert. Your mind's wandering.

My hands will be wandering towards your throat, Pew... if you don't tell me what it is you overheard.

So you can pass the information on to Mr. Moon... so he can find the treasure? Over my dead body.

Very well, if those are your conditions.

I was hoping we might see this eye to eye.

I'm afraid you've forced my hand.

Listen up, my hearties! Listen.

This dear old blind man here... is a government agent! It is true. I saw him talking to those two.

It is a lie!

I only told him one thing... about a treasure!

Treasure? Bolt that door.

Bolt that door, lads. Draw them curtains.

Draw them curtains! Put them other lights out.

Put them other lights out, lads!

Where's Yellowbeard? Mr. Moon, sir.

I was following him, and then I thought I was being followed... if you follow me. Who'd follow you?

Some stupid blind man.

Well, we've got to follow Yellowbeard, and make sure no one else is following him.

Do you follow me?

What's going on in there?

Evening. Sounded as though there was a bit of a squabble.


They're all dead. All?

Must have been more of a tiff then.

Squabble, tiff.

Mr. Moon!

I imagine being in the Navy, you must know quite a lot about the sea and what's in it.

A trifle. A trifle?

Yes, I once had a rum trifle, but I only drink when I'm working.

Indeed. There you are, Lambourn.

I was wanting your advice on a matter of etiquetty.

Now, does one curtsey before saying adieu... or does one go down while speaking?

Oh, dear. That's tricky.

Excuse me, Admiral. I must just have a word with this gentleman.

I shan't be a moment. Oh, I say.

Who was that chap who just seized hold of my wife? Do you know him?

Steady. Steady.

He seems to have taken quite a shine to Lady L.


Not many people do, you know. But when they do, they do.

And when she does, she does.

Is your name Dan? Yes.

I need your head, my lad. You're my father.

So your mother says, but that's no reason to believe it.

Never trust a woman or a government. Well, pleased to meet you.

I haven't got time for idle chitchat! I need your head.

Well, that makes a change.

Mother seems to disapprove of me using it at all.

You're not gonna use it. You're gonna lose it, lad.

I'm gonna use it. Right. Put your neck over there.

It'll be cleaner that way. You want to cut my head off?

What for? I don't want to lug your body... halfway around the world, do I? Your head's got a map on it that I need.

Well, you don't need to kill me for it. Look, why don't you copy it?

What? And have two maps? Bugger off!

Look, if you cut my head off, it'll start to putrefy.

Do what? Putrefy! Go rotten!

Yeah, it would ooze a lot. Heads do. But I can live with that.

No, stop! Look! I could help you, Dad.

Everyone will be following you... and if they catch you, they'll have the map. Bugger them!

I'll eat it first. Won't be the first head I've eaten.

But then you'll have lost it forever.

Look. Wouldn't it be better to leave it where it's safe?

What? And take you along?

You're not pirate material! You wouldn't fit in.

Hello, Dan. Been doing some gardening?

I don't believe we've been introduced. All right, Dan.

If you're my son, prove it. Kill this stupid old bugger.

Now hold your horses. I can't kill him. He brought me up... just like a father.

You mean he's beaten you and kicked you and smashed you in the teeth?

Yes. No!

No. He's been kind and gentle.

What kind of father is that? Kill him! No!

All right. I'll do it. No, don't!

Look, he could be useful.

Yes, I could be useful. I could, I could, I could. What could I do?

They followed you here. I'll kill them all!

No, quick hide in here. All right.

But I'll kill anyone that gets in the way of me killing anyone.

We'll take him to Dr. Gilpin's. He always knows what to do.

And then kill everybody! Whatever you like, Dad.

Dad? Him? You mean to say I'm not your father?

No. Mother says he is, but you're still my father to me.

I'm still my father to you, Son. Look, you brought me up.

You're my father. I don't even know him.

Lambourn! I'll come with you, Son.

This Dr. Gilpin, is he your father? No, he's your closest friend.

I look forward to meeting him.

Twenty-three, twenty-four, twenty-five...

Lady Lambourn.

Well, he's not even married to her. I think he's blind.

Under her command, so to speak.

Now, see here, if you go with him, you'll be criminals.

You'll never be able to return to England.

But if the government gets the treasure... they'll only waste it. Warmongering in Europe.

There we are.

That looks nothing like me! Well, that's the whole idea.

I've got to go with him, my father, to get the treasure.

I've got the map of the island. Could be very dangerous.

It'll be dangerous. Do the boy good... to get a bit of senseless violence into his life.

Will you come with us, too, Doctor?

Why, think of all the new plants and medicines you could discover.

Yeah. What's this?

Stop! That's a precious extract from a rare tropical tree.

One drop of it paralyzes a man instantly.

Perhaps it wears off instantly.

No. No.

Possibly ineffective when taken through the mouth.

Well, of course, if we really were... going on a botanical expedition...

They're here. Kill!

There's no need to. We must find a name for you.

Professor... Professor Flask.

Professor Death! Professor Chair.

Professor Rape! Professor Clock.

What about Professor Anthrax?

Yes. Anthrax.

Bugger off, you evil git!

Evening, Doctor. I was just saying good day to Mr. Pew.

Lord Lambourn. And Dan.

And? Yeah, this is Professor Anthrax.

That's Yellowbeard. I'm in disguise, you stupid tart!

You've met your father then. Yes.

We've got some exciting news.

You're all going after the treasure! Treasure? No.

No. Botanical...

Killing plants!

Chasing butterflies. No.

Well, I'm entitled to my share.

What with all the lying and cheating and tattooing that I've done over the years.

Don't worry, Mother. You'll get your share. I don't ask for much.

I'd just like to see a few of my little dreams come true.

I've always wanted to buy Denmark and be richer than the Queen.

Yes, and if you do your job covering up for us, Mother... that will all come true. And by the way... why did you tell me that I was his father?

I didn't.

You were so sure he was, I didn't have the heart to tell you.

I think... we'd better sail for Jamaica at once.

We'll find a ship... at Portsmouth.

I was only taking what's my due to cover expenses.

You should see the mess they made.

What happened? Plague.


All sudden like.

Lucky I was out.

That man's got a sword in him. He fell on it.

Has Yellowbeard been here? He's dead, too.

And Lord Lambourn and Dr. Gilpin.

And my son.

My son, Dan!

All gone, all dead.

Oh, my! Oh, hell.

If they're all dead, what are you gonna tell the Queen, sir?

I mean, we're supposed to follow them to the treasure.

Halt! In the name of the law! All right! I'm not deaf!

All right, Pew, what have you heard?

Little did Yellowbeard surmise... as he presented himself to his prospective traveling companions... that the details of the engagements were being overheard... by a tall blind man of impressive bearing... aquiline features... Cut the purple prose, Pew.

Just give us the facts. Where's Yellowbeard gone?

Portsmouth. With whom?

Three people.



Dr. Gilpin.

Right, Mansell. We shall be needing that frigate.

Come on, Mansell. We'll be needing Mrs. Beard.

I think a month or two at sea will loosen Mrs. Beard's tongue.

Is she going away, too, sir?

That'll do him.

How's that for a squabble, Pew?

Here! Stop! Thief!

Fresh flowers!

Get your lucky heather!

Yoo-hoo, fresh flowers, sir?


Fresh heather! Fresh flowers!

I've always been fascinated by the sea. It's so big.

It has the little...

It's the mouth of the river port, isn't it?

Oh, my God!

Come on.

Harden your knives here. Sharpen your knives.

Can I have three farthings for a lump of shit, please?

I beg your pardon?

I said can I have three farthings for a lump of shit?


Society's to blame.

Harden your knives here. Sharpen your knives.

Excuse me a moment.

Look out! Press gang! Get out! Press gang.

Get him. Come on. Catch him over there.

Come on, get him!

That's the stuff. Press gang?

Yes, they persuade drunks and vagrants to become sailors.

What happens when they sober up? They're at sea.

Okay, get that one in there! Shove him in good, please.

All right, good. He was a bit thin. Those ones over there, they look good.

I say.

I'll give you three farthings, young lady.

There we are. Oopsy daisy.

A good big one will always beat a rotten little one.

What's going on, hey? What do you think you're doing?

Just borrowing your jacket, Bosun.

I say, sir. I just saw two naval gentlemen going the other way.

Where's Yellowbeard? Professor Anthrax.

He can't be far. He'll find us. He needs that map.

Well, I hope he finds us before they find him.

And it's not long before we sail.

Now, we know it's an island close to Jamaica, and we've got the map of it.

But without him to tell us which island, we might as well go home.

Now, I'm sure some of you gentlemen would like to volunteer... for a well-paid, well-fed adventure holiday... such as youths dream of... upon a modern, rat-free, leak-proof ship!

Any volunteers just lie down on the ground with your eyes shut.

Would you gentlemen be looking for a ship?

We... Well, as a matter of fact... we're lucky enough already to have tickets for the...

Load them on.

Take them to the ship.

Come on, kick him out! Come on! Oh, my God!

He's thrown her in the water tub!

Take your hands off of me! Shut up and move!

I want these three shackled in the bilges.

Move over!

Come on, old man.

There's no need. We can make our own way there.

Sign here. I'll make your mark.

There's your shilling. Thank you, sir!

Don't do that. Don't do that ever again.

Get off, lad. All right. Come on, move it.

I never noticed that hook when he signed on.

Nor did I, sir.

He's right-handed, sir. Get rid of the others.


Mr. Crisp. Aye, sir!

What is that?

That's my box, sir. No, carrying your box.

Cabin boy Smith, sir.

Smith has tits. He's been a bit ill, sir.

Get her off!

Aye, sir.

Wait a minute.

What is that?

It's a crocodile, sir.

What's it for?

Well, each sailor is... allowed, by tradition, a pet, sir.

One pet per sailor, parrots preferred.

Well, we like clubbed together, as it were, if you take my drift, sir.

That's bigger than three parrots. Not if they're in cages, sir.

Open it up.

Open it up?

Open it up! There are buttons down the side.

The ancient superstition that a woman on board brings bad luck... is now a proven scientific fact.

Nice try, Rosie.

Shouldn't bother, love. They're fairly strict on this one.

Rattus vulgaris.

Yeah. You know, I've been thinking.

If we paid 300 guineas each for this cabin...

I'm glad we didn't go for the cheaper ones.

I'm sorry to interrupt your morning bath, gentlemen.

On your knees!

And crawl up here on the double! Up here on the double!

All hands present, Mr. Crisp, sir! Thank you, Bosun!

Deliver me, O Lord, from the evil man, preserve me from the violent man...

My name is Captain Hughes.

These are my officers, Lieutenant Martin, who is responsible for discipline...

Lieutenant Crisp, who is responsible for discipline...

Mr. Prostitute, who is responsible for...

Nail that man's foot to the deck.

Aye, sir. Discipline.

No, I... It's all right. No. I was just joking.

I was just having a... Here, hang on. Hey, wait a minute.

Now, in fairness to all of you...

I'm honor bound to ask this question.

Is there anyone here who does not wish to be a member of Her Majesty's Navy?

Me, sir.

Is there anyone else who is reluctant to serve?


If, by chance, some of you may feel that the discipline on this ship... is a trifle on the harsh side of strict... let me remind you that it is our duty to seek out and destroy...

Her Majesty's enemies... the foul... and most foreign French.

Here, here. Now... while the rest of the world will eventually arrive at the same conclusion... it is our urgent task... to push things on a little.



Mr. Martin, Mr. Prostitute... luncheon duty.

Right, Mr. Beamish, I'll see the prisoner now.

Aye, aye, sir.

Man the capstan.

Ready to talk yet, Mrs. Beard? No!

Take her away, Mr. Beamish. Aye, aye, sir.


Give them a taste of the lash before they've done anything.

Preventive punishment, that's the principle. Yes, sir.

That man yawned. Give him a swimming lesson.

What, what? Hey! No. Come on, wait a minute!

Wait a minute. No. Hey!


Well done, sir. Hold the line.

Lovely day.

No! No!


Oh, no!

Oh, no!

Oh, what have we here? A laggard?

Oh, it's so hard on a manicure, isn't it?

Not to worry, lad.

You'll get the hang of it.

And third, Your Majesty...

I'm very pleased to report... that after several very brave... and very expensive battles... the pirate Yellowbeard... is now well and truly... in our grasp.

Sir, is that, strictly speaking, accurate, sir?

Mansell, that's what we in the Royal Navy call a lie.

A lie, sir? But that's treason, isn't it?

Be quiet. Yes, sir.

Now get that off to Her Majesty right away. Yes, sir.

How, sir?

By pigeon, Mansell.

Pigeon, sir?

Surely you didn't forget to bring the pigeon, Mansell?

Come in.

I think she might be ready to talk now, sir. Right.

I seem to remember something about an island.

It must have been that shark what jogged my memory.

Jolly good, Ensign.

Thank you, sir. Well done.

Shall I meet you in the pump room, sir?

Sit down, Mrs. Beard.

Now, about this island.

A little pigeon, perhaps?

I've just ate some tuna, thank you.

Where did I put that treasure?

No, it's stagger. No, no, no.

Get shot, then fall... then crawl, crawl... then stagger, stagger.

Do you know that you have three paying passengers on board... who are being treated as abominably as the rest of the crew?


I think once the Captain realizes who we are, we'll get an easier passage.

Perfect. Let's go.

Well, I can see there's only one thing you'll understand.

And what, pray, might that be?

Right! Let's finish it!

I'm so sorry, sir. What for?

Interrupting you, sir.

I was only smoking a cigar.

Yes, sir.

I came to tell you that the son of Yellowbeard the pirate is on board this ship.

The son of Yellowbeard the pirate?

Who's that?

That was Mr. Crisp, sir.

Mr. Crisp?

Officers and men of The Lady Edith... these three people posing as pressees, are, in fact... foul stowaways.

Stowaways? No!

The perspicacity of Mr. Moon... has led to the discovery of a conspiracy against the Crown.

There's no doubt in my mind that the one in the middle... is the son of the evil Yellowbeard.

Yellowbeard! He has already dispatched... dear Mr. Crisp to the deep... clearly with the purpose of taking over this vessel.

We shall deliver these traitors to the proper authorities.

Set course for Portsmouth.

You know what to do, Mr. Moon.


Oh, dear, the Captain would appear to be out of sorts!

We're gonna have to choose a new captain. Who shall it be?


No. We want Dan! Dan?

Or the prostitute.


Who? Who? Come on!

Dan! Dan! Dan!

We want Dan! Dan!

It's unanimous, then.

The ship's yours, Captain... to take where you will.

That's it, that's it.

I hope you don't mind us tying up the Captain like that, sir.

No, not at all.

Well, I was only following your lead.

I mean, well, your killing Mr. Crisp was an example to us all.

But I only hit him with a bucket, and then everything went blank.

Oh, yeah.

It's like that, killing.

No hard feelings, Captain Hughes.

Your consideration will be noted.

Now, Bosun, set course for Madagascar.



You heard what the Captain said.

It's Madagascar. Aye, aye, sir.

Set a course for Portsmouth, Mr. Martin.

Aye, aye, sir!

East by northeast, Mr. Prostitute.

Aye, aye, sir.

All's well!

Ah... S'well!

We went 10 degrees west off course overnight.

Did you notice that, Mr. Moon?

Indeed I did, sir.

Our captain didn't bump the helmsman off last night, did he?

No. Didn't leave his cabin, Mr. Moon.

Did you order a change of course? No.

I think someone knows where the island is.

See? They're leading us right to it.

Come on, Mrs. Beard. We've been at this all day.

No. No.

That still doesn't look right.

I don't think you're being as helpful as you promised, Mrs. Beard.

I'm doing my best.

Perhaps a little more shark treatment?

Nothing in sight, sir. Absolutely nothing at all.

Nothing, sir!

Talk about clear horizons, this is it.

We've been at sea for weeks without sighting anything, let alone The Edith.

Ship ahoy!

Look lively, lads. Look lively.

There you are, sir. Nothing again.

Nothing whatsoever.

Behind you, Mansell.

I know you are, sir.

There's a ship behind you.

Good lord, sir! It's The Edith!


Of course it's The Edith, Mansell.

But, sir... it is behind us, and we're supposed to be following it, sir.

Well, how can we be, sir?

Strike the colors, Mr. Beamish. Strike the colors, Mr. Beamish.

Hoist the French flag. Hoist the French flag.

Hard about. Hard about.

They mustn't know we're after them, Mansell.

If we can convince them we're French, they'll avoid us.

Perhaps then we can return to following them discreetly.

What sort of ship is it?

Some kind of frigate.

We wouldn't have come across it, if we had kept our course.

No, no. We wouldn't.

There's a flag. They're French, and they're rounding on us!

Stand by to fire.

Oh, dear.

Stand by to hide.

All right, Mansell, so we'll just sail quietly past, all right?

Aye, aye, sir.

Ready? Fire!

Are you all right, Mansell? Yes, thank you, sir.


What do the fools think they're doing?

We outgun them. We outman them. We're much faster than they are.

I think it might have something to do with the French flag we're flying, sir.

All right, then to avoid suspicion, we better appear to retaliate.

We'll fire a bit and miss a lot.


Lower the guns!


Raise the guns!


More sail!

More sail!

Clear the debris! Clear the debris!

Carpenters to action! Carpenters to action!

Jettison some ballast, Mr. McKenzie.

We must sail as fast as we can without our sail.

Well done, lad!

This calls for a celebration.

Well done, Captain.

Oh, yes.

No disrespect intended, Your Lordship.

Straight back, head up and thrust.

Well done, Son.

Straight back, head up and thrust. Captain.

Get out, you coward.

Ebenezer. Yes, Percy?

I've been thinking. Oh, yes?

Can brandy make you see things?

If you drink enough of it. Oh, that explains it.

That island I thought I saw. Island?

It is an island. Of course.

It's beautiful.

Prepare the longboat, Mr. Tarbuck. Aye, aye, sir.

Now, men, a group of us are going to put ashore here for provisions.

Provisions. Oh, yes. Of course, sir.

Could be a mirage. Looks rather like a mirage I once saw.

If I saw it.

Is it anything like the map on my head?

This is the island.

I gladly moisten your foot with my nostrils, Your Barbarity.

I have something very nice to show you.


So, explain to me, Señor Verdugo... the intricacies of this most holy instrument of confession.

Triola, I don't think you should see this, my daughter.

It's only another torture machine. I want it to be a surprise for you.

Later, my sweet. All right, Daddy.

So, my new confessional. Yes, of course.

But first, Your Severity, you will notice that the instrument... is completely surrounded by this pool of acid... which will destroy anything thrown into it... except gold and precious stones.

But flesh and bone and iron...



And it doesn't dissolve gold, you say?

No. Not, of course. Of course not, Your Vapidity.

Even if they have swallowed their valuables, Your Severity... there would be no need for those messy searches that we used to have.

Unless we want one.

Of course, Your Outrageousness.

So this is my new confessional?

Yes, it is. It works this way, Your Ferocity. If you will, please.

The prisoner... is totally restrained... by means of this iron banding.

Excellent. Excellent.

But there is more to it than that, Your Blizzard of the Wrong.

By means of these ratchets and these screws... you can place his body in any position that you want... for as long as you want and do anything to it that you want.

You can break every bone in his hand... one at a time.

And feet? And the feet.

I love it.

And the back? And the back.

And slowly crush them and break them? Oh, yes.

It is very effective, Your Acute Horrendousness.

People will be even more frightened of me when they hear I have this.

Oh, yes, definitely, Your Blind Stupidity.

Even you, Señor Verdugo?

Well, of course not me.

I mean, after all, I made it. I designed it. It's my baby.

Well, let's see if it works.

If it does not work, I shall dispatch you with heavenly force.

Well, we could all do with some good food and clean water.

Mr. Moon, prepare a hunting party. Aye, aye, sir.

Why don't you go ahead and forage... and me and a few of the lads'll stay behind and guard the boat?

Very good, Mr. Moon.

There's a beach like this, which ought to be on the other side of the island.

We'll cover more ground if we separate.

We'll have every gun on that ship ready for them when they return.

Bosun Gilbert.

Aye, aye, Captain Moon.

Bloody murderers.

Unhand me, you heathens.


I think I found the tree that that paralyzing liquid comes from.

Just stab some under the skin and...

You do what?

Stab some...

Oh, that.

They've captured Dan.

Ebenezer, look.


Shall we send for reinforcements... or capture them now?

Wait a minute.

What's that?

Good Lord.

How did he get here?

There's our reinforcement.

Seems to have taken a mild dislike to the priests.

Come on, men. Let's rescue Captain Dan.

Not likely, mate.

And the treasure.

Right you are, mate. Be right with you.

No, no, I can't. Leave me alone. Come on, come on, please.

He'll come back. He'll kill you. You see?

Your Assholiness.

Greetings, Your Vehemence.

Mission accomplished.

By the grace of God and heavenly force... five heathen souls have attained eternal serenity.

Only five?

Was there any money?

On the paltry side, Your Barbarity.

So your mission was as so much fart gas.

Oh, no, Your Offensiveness.

The ship that they came on was after Yellowbeard's treasure.


Oh, no, no. He is not here.

Just the men who came looking for his treasure.

This is one of their officers, Your Molestation.

The treasure of Yellowbeard.

Now I am the richest...

You must find out everything he knows.

I have just the thing.

Oh, my head.

And my foot and my back.

Mon Dieu, it works.

You may torture me, but it will avail you nothing.

We'll see about that, sailor.

Captain Moon, sir, they've captured Dan, and they're setting a trap for the others.


They're making it easy for us. Well done, Gilbert.

Is it too cold for you?

No, I'm all right.

You must tell my father where the treasure is, or you will surely die.

I'll tell him nothing.

But he only wants it for the grace and glory of God.

What kind of God is it that kills and tortures men?

My father's only purpose is to enable heathen souls... to enter heaven more rapidly than they would of their own accord.

Please tell him.

It hurts me to see you hurt.

It hurts me to see you be hurt by me being hurt.

I think I love you.

You're right, you do.

And I love you.

And when I am rescued, I want you to come with me.

But to come with you would mean leaving here.

Are you taking the treasure? That's right.

Triola, you realize your father may be killed?

Oh, Daddy won't mind. He's a bit odd about things like that.

I must pack my things.

Excuse me, Your Monstrosity.

Our prisoner here must be very importante.

There seems to be quite a little army gathering down there.

Could it be their leader? No.

But there is a man of very high rank giving orders.

He would know where the treasure is.

He is the one we must capture.

That would be very difficult, O Berserk One.

He would be the last in the attack and the first to escape.

Typical leader for you.

What did you say?

I said, except for you, O Mindless Slaughterer.

That's the answer. Yeah.

We will lure their leader to the front by allowing their attack to succeed.


We will pretend to resist and fake injury and death when they attack.

Excuse me, why are you banging your head like that?

Was I? Yes, you was.

We all seen you, you silly man.

Excuse me.

Yes, and when the invaders reach the throne room, my men will rise up... and dispatch all with majestic heavenly force.

Magnificent strategy, Your Arrogance.

But it must look realistic.

Anyone caught overacting...

I will personally scare to death.

Alms for the poor. Social parasite.

Take the donkey.

My bowl. Where is my bowl? Come on, burro!

Hold on, men.

This way.

Welcome to our trap.

Come on, Ebenezer.

Now everyone wait for my signal. Oh, except you.

That is pathetic!

What? What about this, sir?

Go back to your position. Go on!

So far, so good.

This way, men.

Vasquez, don't overdo it.

Alms for the poor. On guard.

And you.

Jolly good.


Good shot.

Look at this, sir.

This is terrible!

I will have no more bad acting!

That was great. Bravo. Cool.


What do you make of it?

Dead. Entirely.

Release that man.

You have fallen for one of my least likely plans.

Stand up, men. Come on, you guys.

Up. Up. I administered a drop of this to them all... just as a precaution.

Well, then, you give me no choice. I shall have to... I shall have to... give up completely.

Sorry about that. Sorry, sorry, everyone.

I'll go free your friend, then, shall I?

I'm much too fiendish for the likes of you white-faced persons.

Your friend, who you value so highly, is in my power.

Well, what sort of power? What?

Well, what sort of power do you have?

My divine right to command over life and death.

That sort of power. That sort of power, yes.

I thought perhaps you meant mechanical energy.

As ruler, my supremacy is absolute on this island.

I thought this was an atoll.

Not at all. Not an atoll. No, not an atoll? Oh, no. What is it, then?

This is an isthmus. Isthmus.

Silence and obey, or I shall kill your captain.


Father, we thought you were dead.

Us Yellowbeards are never more dangerous than when we're dead.

How you getting on pirating?

Well... How many men have you killed so far?

One. Two, I think.

You think? You'll never kill anyone if you go around thinking.


I don't think you've met my father.

Been out raping, lad? Nice work, lad.

No, I haven't raped her.

No, you wouldn't have, you poncey little git.

You're not the prawn of my loins. Your mother's a bloody liar.

That's what I liked about her.

She couldn't be your mother. No woman ever slept with me and lived.

What's happened to Daddy? I killed him.

He's gone to heaven.

Oh, that's nice. He sent all his friends there.

She's yours, is she then, Dan?

Let me have a bit of a prod at her first.

Father! Captain Dan!

Captain Dan. It's Mr...

Who? It's...

It's Mr. Moon.

Moon? That shithead Moon?

It's time I got rid of him.

Dad, stop. Look, we'll all fight Mr. Moon.

Oh, good. Another battle. Well done, Son.


Come on, men. Let's go get our treasure.

So long, mate.

Don't worry. I'll spend your share.

No, you won't, Mr. Moon. It's little Captain Dan, huh?


Moon, you bastard, what betrayed me.

I'm gonna make you eat both your own buttocks.

I've got a score to settle with you, Captain Yellowbeard.

Good girl.

Hold your throat on this sword.

He's all yours, lad.

Dan, watch out.

Get going!

Great shot, young lady.

Later, Triola. I must find my father.

You mean Yellowbeard? He went that way.

Well, Commander Clement...

I had high hopes you would consider sharing.

Just lead me to Yellowbeard's treasure, Mrs. Beard.

That's all I want. Right.

Well, as I recall... it should be in that direction.

Let's see, that's stagger, stagger, crawl, crawl...

No, that's crawl, crawl. Right.

Crawl, sir?

Come on, men.

Right, right.

Stagger, stagger, right and jump.

And stagger. Jump.

Stagger, stagger, jump. Jump. Wait for me, sir.

It's quite good exercise this, really, isn't it?

Get shot, stagger, stagger, stagger... roll... stagger, stagger, stagger a little bit, then... stagger, stagger, crawl, stagger... stagger, stagger, roll...

and crawl, crawl, crawl... stagger, stagger, stagger... Father, are you all right?

Stagger, stagger, stagger... Father?

You made me forget where I was, you stupid little sod.

What were you doing? Shut up!

Did I just say stagger or was it crawl?

I don't know. It was crawl.

But was it crawl to the right, crawl to the left... or crawl, crawl, then to the right, then stagger? Or was it...

Oh, bugger me, you've sodded the whole thing up... like the stupid little twerp that you are.

I was recreating what happened to me 20 years ago, man and boy.

Why didn't you stay with us?

Because I wanted to betray you. But why?

I had to. Betraying's all part of pirating.

If you don't know that, you're not even close to being a pirate.

Prawn of my loins, my foot. What?

You're either born a pirate or not.

It's in the blood, Dan, and it's not in your blood, or you'd have betrayed me long ago.

All right, I may not be a pirate, but at least I've got a brain in my head... so why don't we just follow the instructions?



Six paces north, left at the rock, then four paces west.

Right, come on, lad.

Give us a hand. Stride, stride, stagger left... stride, stride, then dig.

Go on, make yourself useful, lad.

You know, the way you was fighting back there... there may be some pirate blood in you, after all.

Well, I did have a hand in forcing Mr. Moon into the acid.

With your head on my shoulders, we can wreck civilization.

And stagger and jump and jump... Keep hopping.

And stagger and stagger and jump.

Go on, Dan, use your dagger.

Look at it all. Hip, hip, hooray!

Triola, we're rich. Come on, Dan.

Congratulations, Father.

But I didn't...

You are a Yellowbeard. What?

Killing your father as I killed my father before me.

Dad, the blood. Blood.

That's what I like to hear.

You are my son.

Halt, in the name of the law!

Well done there, lad. Got him at last.

All right, men. Keep your guns on him.

Hello, Dan. Hello, lambchop. Wonderful to see you.

Pity about your dad.

On the other hand, it is the way what he said he always wanted to go.


Commander Clement, Royal Navy.

I claim this treasure... He claims it?

In the name of Her Majesty, Queen Anne.

Dan, darling, I don't think I love you anymore.

You're right. You don't.

Goodbye, Triola.

There's at least two more chests down there.

You'll be a duke now, sir. Won't you, sir?

Duty, Mansell. That's my reward.

Duke, eh?

You've got a lovely bottom, blue eyes.

I think I love you. What?

She said you've got a lovely bottom, sir, and...

Shut up, Mansell. Yes, sir.

Right, Mansell, clap those people in irons. Sir.

You poor dear. You must have suffered.

Tell me about it. It was simply awful.

Sir, I was just thinking...

Her Majesty can have no idea... how much treasure we've got. Can she, sir?

No, she can't.

Have one yourself. Thank you, sir.

Or even where we are.

I say, sir.

Mansell, are you thinking what I think you're thinking?

I'll think whatever you say, sir.

Ever been to the Americas?

Us Yellowbeards are never more dangerous than when we're dead.


I think I love you.