You Can't Take It with You (1938) Script

Good morning, Mr. Kirby.

Good morning.

Good morning, A.P. Good morning.

Good morning.

No pictures. New York Times, Mr. Kirby.

We'd like a statement on the business outlook.

The newspapers should know that Mr. Kirby never issues any statements.

Come on, come on. Let's go up.

I got your telegram, Mr. Kirby. They're all waiting in your office.

Good.

Hello, A.P. You're looking well. What can I say?

How was the trip? Good morning.

Hi, Dad. I'm glad to get home. Hello, Tony.

How are you? Good.

How's your mother? She's fine.

That's good, I nearly sent for you. I thought you might like the White House.

I'm sorry you didn't.

How do you like being a vice president?

Painless so far.

He still talks as if he were having a tooth yanked.

What happened in Washington? Yes, what did you find out?

A.P., how do we stand?

Get me some bicarbonate of soda. Yes, sir.

How do we stand, A.P.?

Well, gentlemen, there'll be no interference from the powers that be.

There won't? That's marvelous. Are you sure?

What about the senator with the anti-trust complex?

I said there'd be no interference. We're going ahead exactly as we planned.

It'll be the largest individual monopoly in the world, gentlemen, if we're smart.

Particularly now that Ramsey is lined up.

Ramsey, too? That's impossible.

No, the administration would never stand for that.

Why, we'd control every type of war material.

That's exactly it, gentlemen.

With the world going crazy, the next big move is munitions.

And Kirby and Company are going to cash in on it.

It's unbelievable.

Why, a war wouldn't be possible anywhere without us.

A.P., if I know Ramsey, he'll never let himself be absorbed by anybody.

He won't? No.

Well, we'll see if he will when I hand him a little surprise.

I own every inch of the 12 blocks that completely surround the Ramsey factories.

No! News to us!

Well, we certainly didn't know anything about that.

So, how is he going to fulfill his contracts without us?

Now, you'd better get busy.

Complete all your negotiations with the others.

I'll handle Ramsey myself.

We'll hop right to it. Right on.

I have a meeting with my nitrate group this afternoon.

Good.

Ten thousand a year for doctors and I'm still taking this stuff.

Well, son, what do you think about it? Don't ask me.

You know my cockeyed sense of values.

Get me that sour-faced real estate agent on the phone. What's his name?

Blakely. Yeah, yeah. Private line.

Dad, how do you feel?

Rotten. It's my stomach.

Yeah, I thought so.

These trips to Washington are getting me jittery.

But it's the last one. From now on, they come to me.

Say, Tony, do you realize there won't be a bullet, gun or cannon made in this country without us?

Dad, now don't tell me you've forgotten the slingshot market.

Mr. Blakely on the phone.

Hello, Blakely. This is A.P. How's it going?

You what? What trouble?

Now, wait a minute. Don't bite my head off.

I've got all 12 blocks, everything, with the exception of one little lot I can't get the man to sell.

Those 12 blocks are absolutely useless to me, unless I get every inch of them.

But I'm up against some kind of an old crank.

His house isn't worth over $25,000.

I've already offered him $50,000, but he's standing pat.

If you can't get it with money there's certainly other ways of getting it.

Now, that's up to you. Now, remember this, Blakely, unless you buy up the whole 12 blocks, you won't get a penny commission.

That man has got ice water in his veins.

Well, the description fits only one man.

I've simply got to get a hold of that property, Bill.

You can't force a man to sell his home, John.

I've got to.

I'll make him sell if I have to drive him out with stink bombs.

Listen, a fortune has been invested in those 12 blocks.

And behind it is one of the most powerful men in the country, and a silly old man, with that silly little house is holding up the whole business.

Now, how do you like that? Excuse me, John, but I think it's great.

What did he say when you offered him $50,000 for his place?

Well, I'm not sure, but I think someone began singing.

Someone else danced and Grandpa Vanderhof sat down and played a mouth organ.

Played a mouth organ?

What are they, a bunch of nuts? Fascinating ones.

It's the old army game. I doubt it. He's not interested in money.

Mr. Vanderhof is here.

Have him come in right away.

How did you get him to come here?

Not interested in money?

Miss Jones, just a minute. Don't send him in yet.

Have him wait a while. Let him cool his heels.

Yes, sir.

He'll just be a minute, Mr. Vanderhof. Thank you.

You imagine that guy wanting me to split commission three ways.


What are you doing? What?

My goodness. I made a mistake.

First time in 20 years.

That calls for the building to collapse, I suppose?

Have some. No, thank you. It'll spoil my appetite.

What are you doing that for?

I have to add up these figures to see if they're right.

Why?

Why? Because they have to check against these figures.

Do you like this? Like it?

This work you're doing. No, my goodness, no.

Land's sakes, what am I saying?

Well, why do you do it?

Look, they're very strict in this office and I...

Tell me, isn't there something else you'd rather be doing than this?

No.

Go along with you. I don't believe a word you're saying.

Go on, tell me, what would you rather be doing than this?

I make up things.

Poetry? No. Just things.

Go on. Let me see some of them.

Say, that's kind of cute.

It is, isn't it? I made it up myself.

Yes.

I have a lot of other ideas just like it.

Well, what do you mean fooling around with those dull figures?

It seems to me, Mr....

"Poppins." Yes.

It seems to me, Mr. Poppins, that is the kind of work you ought to be doing.

Someday I'm going to do nothing else. Someday, when my ship comes in.

How'd you like to come over to our house and work on your gadgets?

Over to your house?

Well, I don't know. Thank you, but...

Go along. You'd love it.

Everybody over at our place does just what he wants to do.

Really?

That must be wonderful.

But how would I live?

The same way we do.

The same way.

Well, who takes care of you?

The same one that takes care of the lilies of the field, Mr. Poppins.

Except that we toy a little, spin a little, have a barrel of fun.

If you want to, come on over and become a lily, too.

A lily? Me? A lily of the field?

What's that?

Just a little something Mr. Poppins whipped up.

Why, Mr. Poppins.

Hey, Ethel, come here. Take a look at this. Alice, George, John.

Isn't that the cutest thing. Did you do that? How in the world?

Isn't that clever? Aren't you clever?

Where is he, Miss Jones?

What's going on here?

Well, well, welcome, welcome, Mr. Vanderhof. Come right into my office.

No, thanks, Mr. Blakely. I was just going. Going?

Hello, Mr. Hughes. How do you do?

What's happened? You were all right last time I saw you.

One of my granddaughters dared me to slide down the banister.

Too bad, is it serious?

No, just a sprain or something.

The thing I like most about it is the crutches.

I've been wanting to walk on them ever since I was a kid, haven't you?

Yes. Yes, yes, must be a lot of fun.

Well, Mr. Vanderhof, I believe we understand each other.

Now, I'm ready to do business.

Say, that's a bad twitch in your eye.

You've been working too hard. You ought to take a vacation.

Well, if it's all the same to you, Mr. Vanderhof, let's quit playing games.

I'm a very busy man. Come...

A couple of weeks fishing will fix up that twitch, Mr. Blakely.

Well, I've got to go to the graduation exercises over at the university.

Look, I have a check here for $100,000. Now, if you're interested...

Have you been to one lately? No.

They're a truckload of fun.

You ought to hear the speeches.

Well, I'd better be going. I'll be late.

Look out for that twitch, Mr. Blakely.

Coming, Poppins?

I'd like to, but I don't think... I'd better not.

Yes, sir. This is all your fault. You and your toys.

You...

Wait a minute, please.

If you leave, Poppins, you needn't come back.

Wait. Wait, wait.

The die is cast.

I'm a lily.

Have some popcorn.

Did your grandpa go to the graduation exercises, Miss Essie?

Guess so.

I wonder how many folks Grandpa's gonna bring home for dinner tonight.

I don't know. It all depends on whether he goes walking in a park.

Well, let him bring 'em. I'll be ready for them.

Mother, will you taste a Love Dream for me?

Not now. I'm busy.

Do you have to make candy today, Essie? It's so hot.

Well, Ed went out and got a bunch of new orders.

How does it taste to you?

If this keeps up, you'll be opening a store.

That's what Ed was saying last night, but I said no.

No. I want to be a dancer.

Finish your second act yet, Mrs. Sycamore?

No, I've got Cynthia just entering the monastery.

I'll be right down, Mr. DePinna.

I just want to show my wife these new firecrackers we made.

Look, Penny, we can make up a lot of these before the Fourth of July and sell them for 10 cents a string. Watch.

Watch, Penny.

Nice?

Yes, Paul, dear.

I tell you, the kids will go for those like hotcakes.

Mr. Sycamore, I'm afraid we've got the powder chamber too near the balloon.

Let's go down to the cellar and try it.

Where's Grandpa? Let's ask Grandpa.

I ain't done nothing, but I'm sure tired.

Yeah, you always tired. From what? You was born tired.

Here, take this, you're just in time enough to set the table.

I don't see why I got to do your work just because we're engaged.

Donald, were you ever in a monastery?

No, I don't go no place much. I'm on relief.

Hello, Momma.

What do you say, Donald boy?

Well, I delivered all the candy. Where's my beautiful wife?

Lordy.

Here's a new one, Ed. Taste it.

I'm calling it Love Dreams. Boy, you're a whiz.

Wait 'til you listen to this tune. It's been ringing in my ears all day.

Come on back a minute, Essie. What tune is it?

This is sure a beauty. I think you gonna like this hymn.

Let me turn the little do-jigger on here.

I like that, Ed. Yours?

No, Chopin.

Got a lot of you in it.

What do you say there, Donald?

Well, you should have been there. Everybody should have been there.

Hello, Grandpa. How's your foot?

How's my foot? Is that all I get?

Big class this year, Grandpa?

How many were there?

There must have been two acres.

Everybody graduated.

The speeches were a lot funnier this year, too.

If you want to hear a good speech, you ought to hear Father Divine.

Don't you worry. They'll have him there yet.

See if this sounds any better to you, Mr. DePinna.

Mr. Poppins, excuse me.

This is my granddaughter, Essie, and this is her husband, Mr. Carmichael.

Hello.

What do you say, Mr. Poppins?

How do you do?

Help yourself to a Love Dream, Mr. Poppins. They're over there on the table.

And this is my daughter, Mrs. Sycamore.

This is Mr. Poppins, dear. How do you do?

Have a chair, Mr. Poppins. Were you ever in a monastery?

In a monastery? Well, I...

What's the matter, Penny? Stuck?

Yes, I sort of got myself in a monastery and I can't get out.

It'll come to you. Remember how you got out of that jail?

That's fine, Ed.

Is Alice coming home to dinner?

She didn't say.

I think she ought to stop working in that millinery shop.

They make her stay so late.

Penny, she hasn't been there for five months.

She hasn't?

Isn't that a shame? She was going to get me a hat I liked.

She works for bankers now.

Bankers? That's wonderful.

Essie's dancing teacher wants to borrow $100 on his car.

Do you think she could fix it?

Sure, Kirby and Company just loaned somebody $80 million.

I must speak to Alice about it.

Mr. DePinna was right.

The powder chamber was too close to the balloon.

Try a Love Dream, Father. No, thanks.

Mr. Poppins, this is Mr. Sycamore, my son-in-law.

How do you do? How do you do?

We're just testing a new skyrocket and Mr. DePinna was saying...

Knew it all the time.

You can't have that powder chamber so close.

Mr. Poppins, Mr. DePinna.

How do you do? How do you do?

Mr. Poppins is going to stay with us a while.

Really? How wonderful.

Just for a short time. You see...

Yes, that's what I thought, that day nine years ago when I delivered the ice.

Nine years ago?

You were the ice man.

Mr. Poppins makes up things.

Really, what sort of things? You do?

Say, that's wonderful.

Did you make that all by yourself?

That beats all.

I have other ideas, too. Better ones.

You have? Yes.

Let's go down to the shop. Yes, yes.

You have a shop? That's marvelous.

Mrs. Penny.

Why don't you write a play about "ism" mania?

"Ism" mania?

Yes, sure.

You know, communism, fascism, voodooism, everybody's got an "ism" these days.

I thought it was an itch or something.

Well, it's just as catching.

When things go a little bad nowadays, you go out and get yourself an "ism," and you're in business.

I've got it. It might help Cynthia to have an "ism" in the monastery.

It might at that.

Only give her Americanism. Let her know something about Americans.

John Paul Jones, Patrick Henry, Samuel Adams.

Washington, Jefferson, Monroe.

Lincoln, Grant, Lee, Edison and Mark Twain.

When things got tough with those boys, they didn't run around looking for "isms."

Lincoln said, "With malice toward none, with charity for all."

Nowadays they say, "Think the way I do or I'll bomb the daylights out of you."

Why don't you go back to your war play, Mrs. Sycamore?

I like that one best.

Really, Rheba? Well, maybe I will.

Hello. Miss Alice Sycamore, please.

You know, every once in a while I get a very strange sensation.

I seem to hear a ringing in my ears.

Me, too. I thought for a moment it was the telephone.

Yeah.

I hear voices, too.

Voices that say, "If you don't kiss her soon, you're a chump."

You know, if I were really clever, I could answer the phone without the use of my hands.

I saw it done in a circus once.

Good.

That's wonderful. You'd be a sensation on a trapeze.

Mr. Anthony Kirby Junior's office.

Now, that's clever the way you say that.

Hello, Rheba.

No, Rheba.

Were you ever in a monastery?

Monastery.

No, but I'm the fellow that got caught in a cave once.

Really? Yeah.

Whatever happened to you?

Well, the cave caved in and I haven't been heard from since.

Mrs. Kirby.

Hello, Mr. Hammond. I'm just going in to see my son, Tony.

Well, he's a very busy man nowadays. I doubt if you can see him.

Dinner? Just a minute, Rheba. Wants to know if I will be home for dinner.

No, no, no. The man says no, Rheba.

Tell Grandpa that I love him just as much as ever, but a terrible, young vice president has me in his power.

Of course I'm struggling, Rheba.

It would do your heart good to see me struggle, Rheba.

Hello, Mother.

If you'll excuse me, I think I'll visit with your father for a while.

Busy, wasn't he? Definitely.

Goodbye, Rheba. The ceiling just fell in.

Would you be so kind as to give me the want ad section of the newspaper?

I'm sorry, Alice.

Checks to be countersigned, Mr. Kirby.


I wouldn't mind his carrying on right in the office, but he's getting serious about her.

Why, Miriam, it'll be bigger than steel and can together.

Talked to me for hours about her last night.

Answer those.

Who? Tony.

Talked to me for hours about his secretary. Told me he was...

Yes? Mr. Ramsey to see you.

Well, I'm too busy.

He says he's in trouble. I don't care if he is in trouble.

Anthony.

Yes, yes, about Tony. Well, I'll speak to him.

That was Ramsey.

Just found out what's up, and is he screaming for help.

But in the meantime, what about this girl?

No.

What sort of a family is she from?

Who? The secretary? Yes. Not steel or can, or Ramsey, or...

All right, all right. Don't get so excited about it.

The girl's a stenographer. Boys like Tony don't marry stenographers.

Anthony, we've got to do something about this girl.

All right, I'll fire her.

This isn't a business deal. You can't settle anything by firing the girl.

All right, then I won't fire her. Hello.

No, no, no, I didn't mean you.

You weren't going out, were you? Yes. I thought I...

We had a date, don't you remember?

I'm sorry. I forgot.

Yeah, we ought to discuss where to go, don't you think?

Well, I... Yeah, yeah, we can't just pop out of the building with no place to go.

That's a very bad idea that, you know I...

I knew two people that did that once. They went out of the building.

They were uncertain, so they just walked and walked, and walked and finally they just died of hunger.

Now, you wouldn't want anything like that to happen.

Because if that happened...

You're so beautiful.

Sometimes you're so beautiful it just gags me.

Maybe you're not real. Maybe you're a phantom or something.

I keep expecting you to vanish.

Look, you better sit down over here, I think, for a while.

Phantoms don't vanish very often in a sitting position.

There. Now, wait a minute.

Here.

Here.

Now, let's see.

That's a very lovely picture.

Tony, I... Now, wait a minute. Don't say anything.

Now look, phantom.

Last night I informed that irate lady that was just in your office a minute ago that I was going to marry you.

I don't remember you telling it to me.

No, well, you didn't ask me.

That's right, I didn't.

No, but she did.

I talked about you so much that she finally said, "Well, now the next thing I expect to hear from you

"is that you're gonna marry the girl."

And I said, "Yeah, that's it exactly."

What did she say? Nothing. Nothing.

Just fainted dead away?

No, no. No, she took it standing up.

You know, if you scratch under the surface here you'll find a proposal lying around.

I admit it's kind of left-handed.

I can't help that. I'm sort of a left-handed guy, you know.

Tony.

What about them?

Mother and Dad?

Did you see the way she looked at me? I know just what she was thinking.

Now, Alice. Now, listen now.

There seems to be the impression around here that the Kirbys are ogres or something.

Well, if they are, that doesn't make any difference to me.

They're just putty in my hands, Alice.

I never in my life wanted anything that I couldn't get if I just yelled loud enough.

Worked like a charm when I was a baby, and since then I've had so much practice that I'm terrific.

Here, I'll give you a general idea.

Tony.

There's one little detail I forgot to mention.

I love you, Alice.

Hello, Grandpa. Hey, Grandpa.

Yes, I have some Love Dreams.

There he is. That's him. The man with the crutches.

You've got to get something on him. What do you want us to do with him?

I don't care what you do with him, just so you make him sell that property, that's all.

Hello, Grandpa, how's the foot?

Hello, Mac. Fine, thanks.

Say, what's the meeting over at Jensen's bakery?

They're all excited about having to move out or something.

Move out? Yes, that's what I've heard.

They're coming over to see you now, I guess.

Did you hear about it, Grandpa? We maybe all have to move.

Who said so?

Maggie just... Everybody around here is talking about it.

Somebody's buying up everything here.

I hear they're trying to buy it up for a big factory or something.

My landlord told me he wouldn't have sold only they offered him so much money.

Nobody wants to move, Grandpa. You know that.

Emil put up some new shelves. Cost $60. I've been here for 20 years, Grandpa.

I think we ought to see somebody about it. Now, wait a minute. Don't get excited.

We've all been neighbors for a long time. I know that.

But if they're buying this property up for a factory, they'll need every foot of ground, won't they?

I guess so.

Well, now, suppose I won't sell 'em my place. What are they going to do?

That's right, you own your place. Sure, I do.

And they're going to need it, too, won't they?

You bet they will, and it'll take more than money to make me sell my property.

That's my boy.

Go on, get back to work and stop cluttering up the street, or we'll all be arrested.


I'm sure we need more displays this year. We've got nothing exciting enough.

Mr. Sycamore, if I may suggest, why not the "Russian Revolution?"

There's plenty of fireworks there.

The "Russian Revolution," the clash of the colors, the reds and the whites.

Mr. Poppins, you've hit on something brilliant.

I don't understand.

A letter for me? Must be some mistake.

It had your name on it.

Where is it?

I don't know. Where's Grandpa's letter? What, dear?

I said, where's that letter that came for Grandpa last week?

Last week?

I don't know. I remember seeing the kittens with it.

Who was it from? Did you notice?

The United States Government.

Really? I wonder what they wanted.

There was one before that that came from the same people.

I can't imagine what they'd be writing me for.

It seems to me that you could put your printing to some practical use.

Wait a minute.

I have another idea.

That wasn't very loud, was it?

We can get it louder than that.

What is your idea, Mr. Poppins?

Well, may I tell it? Yes.

Go back to work, Jim. Go on, back to work.

Why shouldn't Ed print something about the fireworks and put it in the candy boxes?

That would advertise the Revolution, wouldn't it?

Say, "Watch for the Revolution. It's coming soon." How's that?

"Watch for the Revolution. It's coming soon." Now I can use my big type.

We've got plenty of these Red Flags. You can write about them.

The Red Flag will sweep the country. "Get your Red Flag from Sycamore."

Ed made up a beautiful song today by Chopin.

Hello, Miss Alice. Anybody get hurt when the ceiling fell in?

Forks on the left, forks on the left Forks on the left, forks on the left Rheba, Rheba forks on the left

"Get your Red Flag from Sycamore." How's that sound, Alice?

Gather 'round, everybody. It's the town crier.

The town crier. What is it?

Gather around, everybody.

Where's Grandpa? I have an announcement to make.

Well, what is it?

A young gentleman is calling for me.

Is that all, Alice?

Wait a minute. Maybe he's a special young gentleman.

You may go to the head of the class, Essie.

Well, what's special about him? Has he got horns or something?

Maybe he's handsome like Ed. I'd better put a tie on.

Where'd you meet him? Rheba, Rheba, set another place.

No. Mother, we're going out. I thought he'd better take you in easy doses.

And, Mother, please, don't read any of your plays to him the first time he comes, because, well, I like him.

Essie, I wouldn't dance for him if I were you, because we're going to the Monte Carlo Ballet later.

Anybody know what time it is?

Well, it was 5:00 about two hours ago, wasn't it?

Never mind.

Where's Grandpa? He's upstairs.

Incidentally, the young man's name is Tony Kirby.

Let me know the minute he comes.

Tony Kirby? Say, that's the boss's son. Really?

Yes, and she told me they've just made him vice president.

Isn't that wonderful?

We could have the wedding right here in this room.

Now, wait a minute, Penny.

This is the first time he's called for the girl.

Well, you only called for me once.

Well, I know, but young folks are different nowadays.

I don't know. Look at Ed and me. He came to dinner once and just stayed.

That's right.

Yeah, and the whole Alabama football team would have stayed, too if you'd had 10 more Essies. How am I doing, Essie?

Well, there's a lot of fuss being made about a young man taking you out to dinner.

What's so exciting about that?

A proposal is exciting.

Proposal?

Well, that's something very different.

Move over there and give me some room.

Stop messing with that package. And let's get down to cases.

In love?

Well, well, I...

"Well, I," my foot.

Either you are or you aren't.

Let me look at your eyes.

Yes, of course.

Now, come on, tell me all about it.

What kind of a boy is he? Do you have fun together?

Well, that's no answer to any question.

Is he nice?

Can't even talk about him, can you?

Not rationally.

Who's asking you to be rational?

Listen, when I was courting your grandmother, it took me two years to propose.

You know why?

The moment she'd walk into a room, my knees buckled.

The blood would rush up into my head and the walls would start to dance.

Twice I keeled over in a dead faint.

Why, Grandpa.

Yeah, she finally dragged it out of me when I was in bed with a 104-fever and in a state of hysteria.

The moment she accepted, the fever went down to normal and I hopped out of bed.

The case was written up in all the medical journals as the phenomenon of the times.

There was nothing phenomenal about it. I just had it bad, that's all.

And I never got over it either.

No, sir.

Right up to the very last, she couldn't walk into a room without my heart going thump, thump, thump.

You darling.

I wish I'd known her.

What was she like?

Look in there.

This was her room, too.

Did you ever notice the peculiar fragrance in here?

Yes, but I never knew what it was.

It's hers. It's never left here. She hasn't either.

I can still hear the tinkle of her thin little voice and see her eyes laughing.

That's the reason I've lived in this house so many years and could never move out.

It would be like moving out on Grandma.

You go on back to that infernal package of yours.

Now, wait just a minute. It's for you.

For me? Yes.

Why, bless my soul. It's a new harmonica.

That's for your birthday. My birthday?

How do you know when my birthday is? I don't even know myself.

Anytime I get an impulse to buy you a present, that's your birthday.

Well, thanks, darling.

Grandpa.

Grandpa, I hope you like him.

Anybody you fall in love with is all right with me, Alice.

You know that. Thanks, Grandpa.

Incidentally, what's his name?

Tony Kirby.

Not the son of "the" Kirby? Yes.

Pretty snooty outfit, aren't they?

Yes, but it's all right. Tony told his mother all about it.

It doesn't matter, I'm so happy. I can't think about anything.

You go right on being happy.

Yes, I think I'll go downstairs and take a whack at this.


I wonder where Alice's boyfriend is.

Isn't that the doorbell? Doorbell's ringing.

Get the doorbell, somebody. Want me to go?

Never mind, everybody. I'm coming. I'll answer it. It's all right, Rheba. I'll go.

Grandpa, he's here. Alice's young man.

Now, remember what she said. Everybody be nice to him.

That's the first time that doorbell's rung since Halloween.

Pipe, pipe.

Welcome to our little home. How do you do?

I'm Alice's mother. Come right in. Everybody's dying to know you.

Now, here we are.

That is Grandpa, and that is Alice's father, Alice's sister and her husband, Ed Carmichael.

Let me take your hat and make yourself at home.

I'm afraid there's been some mistake. How's that?

My card.

"Wilbur G. Henderson. Internal Revenue Dept."

Well, for heaven's sake.

I'm looking for Martin Vanderhof. Right here, sir.

Excuse me. I've got some work to do.

Mind if I sit down?

Sit right down, sir. Sit down.

Mr. Vanderhof, the government wants to talk to you about a little matter of income tax.

Income tax?

Is that Mr. Kirby, Mother?

No, dear, it's an internal something or other.

Pardon me.

Mr. Vanderhof, we've written you several letters about this, but we've received no reply.

That's what those letters were. Did you hear that, Penny?

This is the party that's been writing to me.

Well, it's not me, Mr. Vanderhof. You see, the Internal Revenue Office...

That must be him now. Doorbell's ringing again.

I heard the doorbell. Are you all right?

Want me to go?

Pipe, pipe.

How do you do, Mr. Kirby? Come right in. Thank you.

We've been expecting you.

You are Mr. Kirby, aren't you? Yes.

Well, thank heavens. Here he is. This is really Mr. Kirby.

This is Alice's father, her grandfather, her sister Essie, Essie's husband.

Won't you sit down, Mr. Kirby?

Yes.

Mother, is that Mr. Kirby, Mother? Yes, dear. He's lovely.

I'll be right down.

She'll be right down. Well, thank you very much.

Well...

Do y'all play football? A little, yeah.

Gosh, you're... You're awful young to be a vice president.

Well, you know what that means, vice president...

All I have is just an office with my name on the door.

Is that all?

I have a secretary. A very lovely secretary, too.

Isn't that sweet, Ed?

How about salary? Don't you get any salary?

A little. More than I'm worth, I'm afraid.

I beg your pardon.

Well, I suppose you're ready to settle down and get married now?

Come now, Penny. I'm sure Mr. Kirby knows his own mind.

You mustn't rush him, Mother.

All I meant was, he's bound to get married, and suppose the wrong girl gets him.

Mr. Vanderhof, I've got to be going.

Too bad. I'm sorry you can't stay to dinner.

Drop in again.

If you don't mind, I'd like to settle my business before I go.

He's selling something for the government.

What can I do for you?

Mr. Vanderhof, our records show that you've never paid any income tax.

That's right. Why not?

I don't believe in it.

You don't believe in it?

Mr. Sycamore, I can't get these things to go off. Look.

Not now, Mr. DePinna.

No, no. Not now, Mr. DePinna. Grandpa's busy.

Mr. Kirby. Mr. DePinna. How do you do, sir?

Mr. Kirby, of course.

Didn't I read something about your father? He was indicted or something, wasn't he?

No, he just testified before the Securities Commission.

I thought the cops had got him. No.

Come along, Mr. DePinna. Come on.

Now see here, Mr. Vanderhof.

Whether you believe it or not, you owe the government 22 years back income taxes.

Hey, wait a minute, mister. That's too far back. That's outlawed, ain't it?

What's your name? What difference does that make?

Did you ever file an income tax return? No, sir.

What was your income last year?

I don't know, about $85, wasn't it, Essie? I don't know.

Well...

Now, Mr. Vanderhof, that's a very serious thing, not filing an income tax return.

Now, suppose I do pay you this money.

Mind you, I don't say that I'm going to, but just for the sake of argument, what's the government going to do with it?

What do you mean? Well, what do I get for my money?

For instance, if I go into a department store and buy something, why, there it is. I can see it.

But what are they going to give me?

The government gives you everything. It protects you.

From what?

Well, invasion.

How do you think the government's gonna keep up the Army and Navy with all those battleships? Battleships?

Last time we used battleships was in the Spanish-American War and what did we get out of that? Cuba. And we gave that back.

Why, I wouldn't mind paying for something sensible.

Something sensible.

What about Congress and the Supreme Court and the President?

We've got to pay them, don't we?

Not with my money, no, sir.

Now... Now, wait a minute. I didn't come here to argue with you.

Hello, everybody.

Hello, Tony. Hello, Alice.

Is everybody acquainted with everybody? Yes, indeed.

We've had a most delightful talk about love and marriage.

I'm sorry. I tried to hurry. No, come on, wait.

Look, Mr. Vanderhof.

All I know is you haven't paid an income tax, and you've got to pay it.

What was that?

I said you've got to pay it.

Well, you've got to show me.

We don't have to show you. I just told you.

Who's going to pay for all those buildings down in Washington and interstate commerce and the Constitution?

The Constitution has been paid for years ago.

And as for interstate commerce... What is interstate commerce anyway?

There are 48 states, see?

And if it weren't for interstate commerce, nothing could go from one state to another. See?

Well, why not? Have they got fences?

No, they haven't got fences. They've got laws.

Holy smokes, I never ran across anything like this before.

Well, I might pay you about $75, but it isn't worth a cent more.

You'll pay every cent just like anybody else.

Now, listen to me. You'll go to jail if you don't pay, do you hear that?

That's law.

If you think you're bigger than the law, you've got another thing coming.

You're just the same as anybody else.

And the sooner you get that through your head, the better.

Holy smokes!

My father makes fireworks in the cellar.

How did that sound to you? Pretty good.

Thanks.

Well, I guess we'd better be going, Tony.

Say, he was pretty mad, wasn't he? He certainly was.

That might get you into an awful lot of trouble, Mr. Vanderhof.

No, not me. I was only having fun with him.

I don't owe the government a cent.

Well, we're going. Good night, everybody. Good night.

Hello, everybody.

Hello, Kolenkhov.

You know, never have I seen you look more magnificent.

Thank you. Mr. Kirby, this is Mr. Kolenkhov, Essie's dancing teacher.

How do you do, sir? I do not know you, but you are a very lucky man. Thank you.

I practiced today, Mr. Kolenkhov.

My Pavlova.

Grandpa, I am in time for dinner, no?

You are in time for dinner, yes.

Well, goodbye, Mr. Kolenkhov. We're going to the Monte Carlo Ballet.

The Monte Carlo Ballet? It stinks.

Yes? Well...

Well, good night, everybody. Good night.

Good night. Good night.

Bye.

The Monte Carlo Ballet.

Dinner's ready.

My little Rheba, what would I do without my angel?

Only three shirts this time, but they must be washed by your beautiful little hands.

And would you sew on two little buttons on one of them?

Monte Carlo Ballet. Sergei Diaghilev. Then you have ballet.

Quiet, please.

Quiet.

Well, sir. Here we are again.

We've been getting on pretty good for quite a while now.

We're certainly much obliged.

Looks like Alice is going to get married, and I think she'll be very happy, because we just met the boy you sent her and he looks fine.

Remember, all we ask is just to go along the way we are and keep our health.

As far as anything else is concerned, we leave that up to you.

Thank you.

Well, Kolenkhov, did you bring me any Russian stamps?

No. Nobody writes to me. They're all dead.

I was just thinking about that family of yours.

Living with them must be like living in a world that Walt Disney might have thought of.

Everybody does just as he pleases, doesn't he?

Yes, Grandpa started it. He just suddenly left business one day.

He started up in the elevator, turned 'round, came right down again and never went back.

He could have been a rich man, but he said he wasn't having any fun.

That's wonderful.

Then he started collecting stamps, because that's what he liked best.

You know, he gets paid just to appraise collections.

He's an expert. That's marvelous.

My dad, he makes fireworks because, well, because he never grew up, I guess.

And, Mother. Do you know why Mother writes plays?

Probably likes literature and good books.

No, because eight years ago, a typewriter was delivered to the house by mistake.

No...

If it had been a plow, she'd have taken up farming?

I'm sure of it, if she'd liked it.

This is making conversation, but weren't we supposed to go to the ballet?

Yes. Well, let's see.

Yes, second seat over, miss.

I can talk and I can listen, or I can just sit. What will you have?

Well, I think I'd like to have this first.

Well, Mr. Moody, what are you thinking about?

Me? No...

That family of yours. Boy, they knocked me for a loop.

I don't know.

It just seems like, in their own way, they've found what everybody's looking for.

People spend their whole lives building castles in the air and then nothing ever comes of them.

Wonder why that is?

Well, it takes courage.

Everybody's afraid to live. You know?

You ought to hear Grandpa on that subject.

You know, he says most people nowadays are run by fear, fear of what they eat, fear of what they drink, fear of their jobs, their future, fear of their health.

They're scared to save money, and scared to spend it.

You know what his pet aversion is? What?

That people who commercialize on fear, you know, they scare you to death so they can sell you something you don't need.

Yeah, I agree with him.

So he kind of taught all of us not to be afraid of anything and to do what we want to do, and, well, it's kind of fun, anyway.

Yeah, well that's it, but that takes courage.

Especially that do-what-you-want-to-do department.

I remember in college, another guy and I had an idea to...

Mind if I talk about myself?

If you don't, I will.

Well, this guy and I had this idea.

We wanted to find out what made the grass grow green.

Now, that sounds silly and everything, but that's the biggest research problem in the world today.

And I'll tell you why.

Because there's a tiny little engine in the green of this grass and in the green of the trees that has the mysterious gift of being able to take energy from the rays of the sun and store it up.

You see, that's how the heat, and power in coal, and oil, and wood, is stored up.

Well, we thought if we could find the secret of all those millions of little engines in this green stuff, we can make big ones, and then we could take all the power we could ever need right from the sun's rays.

You see?

That's wonderful. I never knew that. Yeah, yeah.

We worked on it and worked day and night. We got so excited we forgot to sleep.

If we'd make just one little discovery, we'd walk on air for days.

Yeah, then what?

Well, then we left school.

And now he's selling automobiles and I'm in some strange thing called banking.

I saw him a couple of weeks ago.

Poor guy. Bob Smith is his name.

Got all excited again, wanted to talk about nothing else.

And?

Well, he's married, and his wife just had a baby.

Didn't think it was fair to gamble with the future.

Anyway, that's his excuse for lack of courage.

Don't say it. What's my excuse?

Well, the Kirbys have been bankers for 9,000 years or something.

And that line just can't be broken.

Now, that's been pounded into my head until I have softening of the brain.

That's my excuse.

Tony, that's kind of silly, you're pretty young to...

Besides, I resent what you said about your brain.

I think it's beautiful.

You do?

You don't say.

That's probably the first thing you noticed about me, that you liked my colossal brain.

Well, no. No, it was the back of your head.

Back of my head? Yes.

Nothing but a big bump back there. The shape of it.

Well, what happened when I turned around?

Well, I figured I'd just have to get used to that.

You figured?

I figured it might not take very long, but I figured I'd just...

You just figured that you'd get used to it? Yes.

I'm glad you figured. Yes.

What do you say, mister? Want to learn to do the Big Apple?

That's against the law, you know? So is necking.

How much is it? Ten cents.

Wouldn't do it for a nickel, would you?

I get it.

Can you do the Big Apple?

No, can you? No.

All right. I'll take a chance. There you are. What do we do?

You just watch them. It's a lead pipe cinch.

Okay, Red. You and Snoopy. Make it hot. Let her go.

You just watch them.

Yeah.

Okay. Dorothy, you take this man.

Come on, wiggle. Wiggle?

Point your toe.

Which toe? That one.

Come on, wiggle!

It's no good unless you wiggle.

That's right. Wiggle.

Swell. Swell.

The winner.

Come on. Take it easy, Alice.

You ready? Ready.

You all set now? And... Yep.

Shuffle, and shuffle, and move around.

Break, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven.

Step, kick, step, kick, one, two, three...

Come on, sister, loosen up. You're too stiff.

Yeah, Alice. Loosen up. That's it.

Very good. The new champion.

All right. Grab your partners.

Wonder whatever happened to Astaire and Rogers.

Jiggers, the cops.

Some swank.

I've never been here before.

Good evening, Mr. Kirby. Good evening.

Say, we seem to be attracting a little attention.

No. It isn't you they are watching. It's Lord Melville.

Lord Melville? Yes.

Where is he? At your table with your father.

Now, Tony, don't ask me to go over there because I won't.

No, no, no, Alice. It will be all right. No, I...

I want you to meet a four-star blueblood. Come on.

Good evening.

Hello, Mother. Hello, Tony.

No, please. Please sit down. Please be seated.

My son, Tony, and Miss...

Alice... Sycamore, Sycamore. Alice Sycamore.

Sycamore, of course.

I never could remember names. Lord and Lady Melville.

How do you do? How are you? How do you do, sir?

Governor Leach and Mrs. Leach.

How do you do? Glad to know you. How do you do?

Nice party.

A couple of chairs, please. No, just a table for two.

Yes, sir. Just want a table for two.

What do you have there, sir? A new game?

No, no. I was just seeing how far I could trace my family tree.

For some reason your mother was interested.

I thought all that family tree stuff went out with the buffalo.

Good. How can you be so absurd, Tony.

Why, America is more and more conscious of its background.

It cost me $5,000 last year to trace my family tree.

Really?

And you, Miss Sycamore. Have you a family tree?

Me? Yes.

Why... Why...

My dear sir, don't you know that a sycamore is a tree?

No comment.

Good night.

Good night.

Good night.

Boy, there are going to be some questions asked about my family, and their tree.

I can just feel it. Good, I know all the answers.

You know, if we're honest now, we're gonna save ourselves a lot of embarrassment later.

Tony, I want you to invite them to my house.

So that's what has been on your mind?

Give them an opportunity to meet everybody, and then they'll know us.

All right. I think I can arrange that.

Let's see now, I can put each member of your family in a separate cage and then put tags on them and the Kirbys can parade up and down like this.

Tony.

Well, do you think I'm going to put you on exhibition like a circus?

I don't mind. Well, I do. I'm just not going to bother.

We've got to.

To them, I'll always be just a stenographer who...

Look at your mother. She's still staring at me.

Well, who wouldn't stare at you?

Tony, promise you'll do it.

You know, every time I think how lucky I am, I feel like screaming.

Tony, please promise you'll invite them.

I feel a scream coming on right now.

You know, we'll have to face it sooner or later.

It's starting right now in my toes. Sort of a tingling sensation.

We can invite them for Wednesday. It's creeping up around my knees.

It's going up my legs. Traveling faster and faster.

You're not really going to scream. It's in my stomach right now.

I'm afraid it's got me, Alice. Not with your mother here, Tony.

Now it's going up. It's all over my body now. Please don't. No.

It's in my throat now.

What can I do? It's fighting to get out. I can't hold it any longer. Here it goes.

No!

What happened? What happened?

A mouse went right past there. A mouse? In this place?

A mouse. What do you mean a mouse?

It was a rat that long with hair on it. A rat with hair on it?

Yeah, about six of them. Weren't there six or seven of them?

Where? Where? Where? Where?

Where? Right under that table.

There they go!


Mr. Kirby, I'm terribly sorry, terribly sorry.

Yes, Henri. Buy yourself some mousetraps. Thank you.

Are you ready, Anthony?

Are you serious about taking me on this slumming tour?

The more we fight him, the more he'll resist. It's the only thing to do.

Pretend, at least, that we are willing to be reasonable.

She's probably from some dull, middle-class family.

As soon as Tony sees us all together, he'll quickly realize how impossible the situation is.

Yeah. That, I take it, is what is known as being subtle.

Yes.

Come here a minute, Donald.

Donald, look and see if you can see a man standing in front of the house.

What are you so excited about, Ed?

There's a man been following me the last three days when I'm out delivering candy.

Well, maybe he wants a piece of candy.

What's the matter, Alice? Are you jealous? Do you want to break your leg, too?

Have to do it without holding. Essie.

Mother, let me have a piece of paper, will you?

I have to make our list for Rheba for tomorrow night.

Essie, darling.

Now, let Rheba have the kitchen all day tomorrow, won't you? She'll need it.

Yes, Alice. That's why I'm making my Love Dreams now, so I'll be way ahead.

Thank you, darling.

Now, Mother, look, tomorrow, before the Kirbys come, let them put everything down in the cellar, the typewriter, the kittens, the vibraphone...

The Kirbys are certainly going to get the wrong impression of this house.

I guess I'd better have cocktails about 7:00.

Dear, I wonder if I ought to let Rheba cook the dinner.

Stop worrying, Alice.

From what I've seen of the boy, the Kirbys are probably very nice.

And if things aren't too elaborate tomorrow night, why, it will be all right, too.

Darling, I'm not trying to impress them, or pretend we're anything that we aren't.

We'll do everything we can to make it a nice party.

Will you, Mother? Of course, dear.

Does Richard know where to go? Yes, I told him, Dad.

Why did it have to be tonight? I have more important things to do.

Well, I didn't want to trouble you, but Alice wants you to meet her family.

There you are, Anthony. She may be very nice after all.

Why, Mother, you're breaking down.

Heaven only knows what they'll have to eat.

You know how sensitive my stomach is. Do we have to go there for dinner?

There are sure to be some vegetables, Anthony.

Probably raw. Mine have got to be cooked.

Mrs. Sycamore. Mrs. Sycamore. Yes?

Look what I found.

It's my painting of you as the discus thrower.

Look, Grandpa. You remember, over eight years ago.

I always meant to finish it, then I got started on my plays and I never painted again.

It's just as well. I'd have been the next one to strip.

I wish you would finish it, Mrs. Sycamore. I'd kind of like to have it.

Would you? Well, perhaps I will.

Right tonight. Is the costume still down in the cellar and the easel?

Sure. I saved them.

You go and get them, Mr. DePinna.

And I'll find my palette and brushes. Boy.

Hello, everybody. Hello, Kolenkhov.

Well, Grandpa, I am in time for dinner, no? Of course you are.

That is why I like to come...

What is that?

That's a picture of Mr. DePinna. Penny painted it.

It stinks.

I'm sorry to keep you, Mr. Kolenkhov. My Love Dreams were on the stove.

But I'll get into my dancing clothes and be right down.

My Pavlova, you are like a beautiful swan.

Essie making any progress, Kolenkhov?

Confidentially, she stinks.

As long as she's having fun.

My, it feels nice to get into my art things again.

You're a breath of Paris, Madame Sycamore.

Thank you.

Well, it happened again. A man followed me every place I went.

I'm ready, Mrs. Sycamore. Where are you going to work?

Right here. All right, Grandpa?

I'd forgotten that costume was so classical.

Now, your expression, Mr. DePinna. There.

I'm ready now, Mr. Kolenkhov.

Good. We go to work. Come, let's roll up the carpet, Ed.

Yes, sir.

I got a new piece. Can I play it?

There are no new pieces.

Play the Brahms' Hungarian Dance. I feel so good.

Life is running around inside of me like a squirrel.

Well, my Pavlova, now we work.

Kolenkhov always said art is 110% sweat.

That is better.

Ready, Eddie? Yes, sir.

Tempo.

Faster, Eddie.

Mrs. Sycamore, please.

Mr. and Mrs. Kirby.

Faster. Mrs. Sycamore. Mrs. Sycamore.

Hey, faster.

Mrs. Sycamore. Go away, Rheba. I'm busy now.

Pull your stomach in a little, Mr. DePinna. I know, but, Mrs. Sycamore...

My.

Darling. Please, take all those...

Here, dear.

Take that.

Are we too early? I'll say.

It's perfectly all right.

Why, of course. Only we thought it was to be tomorrow night.

Tomorrow night? That's funny.

Really, Tony, this is most embarrassing. No, we weren't doing a thing.

Why, no, just having a quiet evening at home.

Yes. Don't let that bother you. Please, come in.

Come in, won't you?

This is Alice's mother. How do you do?

And this is Alice's sister and Mr. Carmichael, her husband.

And this is Mr. Kolenkhov.

And the discus thrower is Mr. DePinna.

How do you do? How do you do?

Excuse my costume. I'll take it right off.

Jim. Jim.

Alice.

Alice.

What is it?

Will you come down? We have a big surprise for you.

Be right down.

Well...

Won't you take your things off?

Will you hang your father's coat up over there? Shall I...

I'm very uncomfortable, Tony. This is all very embarrassing.

Now, anybody can get mixed up.

A chair for Mrs. Kirby. Get that out of the way.

The rug, dear, the rug.

That one for Mrs. Kirby, I think. And that one for Mr. Kirby.

Ed, get that chair.

Thank you.

Thank you, Ed. Yes, sir.

What about some dinner for these good people?

After all, they did come to dinner, you know.

Please don't bother. It's no trouble at all.

Ed, tell Donald to run to Murphy's and get half a dozen bottles of beer and some canned salmon. Yes, ma'am.

Wait a minute. Mr. Kirby, do you like canned salmon?

Don't trouble, please. I'm not hungry.

We're having frankfurters, but I don't think there will be enough now that you've come.

Make it frankfurters, and tell Donald to get...

Tell Donald to get a dozen more and an extra can of corn.

See if Rheba has enough sauerkraut. All right.

Tell Donald to hurry. Yes, ma'am.

It won't take long. Murphy's Delicatessen is right next door.

The pipe.

This is Alice's father.

Mr. and Mrs. Kirby.

How do you do? How do you do?

I hope you'll pardon my appearance.

I couldn't find my other pants down in the cellar.

It's quite all right.

Without holding!

My.

What do you think, Alice? They thought it was tonight.

Tony, don't you remember what...

Have you all met? Yes.

Dear, I'm so confused.

You see, I had such a nice party arranged for tomorrow night.

Perhaps we can come back again tomorrow night.

Yes, of course.

Sit down, Mr. Kirby. Thank you.

Mother, I guess we'd better see about getting dinner.

That's all done, Alice.

He didn't touch second.

Mother, what did you send out for?

Mr. Kirby should have told you that he suffers from indigestion.

Now, now, Miriam. It isn't as serious as all that.

Perhaps it is not indigestion. Perhaps it is stomach ulcers.

Ulcers?

Don't pay any attention to Mr. Kolenkhov.

He's Russian and the Russians are inclined to look on the dark side.

All right, I'm Russian, but a friend of mine, a Russian, died from stomach ulcers.

Mr. Kolenkhov, Mr. Kirby has indigestion and that's all.

All right, let him wait.

Please, folks. Let's not discuss Mr. Kirby's ulcers.

Grandpa, please talk about something else. Ask Mr. Kirby about business.

I'll be right back.

As a matter of fact, Mr. Kirby, how are business conditions?

What?

Well, that depends on what side of the fence you're on.

Personally, I find an improvement.

There are two schools of thought on that subject, and I have no ulcers.

You wait.

Do you mind if I smoke a cigar? Not at all. Of course not.

What about the unemployment problem?

Unemployment?

Unemployment is not the main problem, Mr. Vanderhof.

No? Why, that's I funny. I'd have thought... Yes, I know.

But that sort of viewpoint is purely emotional, not economic.

Now, for instance, in 1929...

My goodness, that's wonderful.

It really frightened you, didn't it?

Mr. Poppins.

Mr. and Mrs. Kirby.

How do you do? How do you do?

Mr. Poppins makes up these masks as a sort of hobby.

Really?

I think he ought to warn people before he pops up in front of them like that.

Now, let me see. What can we talk about?

Have you any hobbies, Mr. Kirby? Business is my hobby.

Grandpa plays the harmonica. Really?

Did you ever try one, Mr. Kirby?

Well, I...

He used to be champ. He won first prize at amateur night.

Told me so himself, didn't you, Dad?

Say, I bet you and I could do a mean duet.

I'm too busy a man to fool around with harmonicas.

Here we are.

Did you get everything, Donald?

Yes. They didn't have anymore weenies, so I got pickled pigs' feet.

Just take everything into the kitchen.

Mr. Kirby, I'll have some scrambled eggs made for you, and a plain salad.

Will that be all right? That'll be fine. Thank you.

Forgot the mustard.

That's that, I guess. Fine impression we're making.

Tony, how could you make such a dreadful mistake?

You knew it was for tomorrow night.

Yeah, I guess it wasn't such a hot idea.

You mean you did it on purpose?

Tony, that's dreadful. How could you do such a thing?

Alice, you know I didn't want to bring them down here at all, but you insisted.

But if they have to meet you, I want them to meet you as you are.

Not on some trumped-up evening with everybody acting unnaturally.

There's nothing unnatural in wanting them to like us.

If they don't like you the way they are, it's just too bad.

It doesn't make any difference to me what they think.

If you'd just left things alone, everything would have been all right.

But, no, you had to go and get funny and spoil everything.

It was a pretty stupid idea, I know.

But, Alice, I'm just trying to be honest about this thing.

I brought my family down here just as they are, stuffed shirts and all.

I'm not trying to put on an act with them. Why should you have to with yours?

Look, I'm trying to be honest, too.

Can't you understand? I've got to get their approval.

I'm not going to stand for your mother looking at me as if I were a thief or something.

What do you think I am, a goop?

Start the eggs, Rheba.

Have you any hobbies, Mrs. Kirby?

Well, as a matter of fact, I have.

I'm a student of occultism.

What's that? That's spiritualism, dear.

Spiritualism? Mrs. Kirby, I'm surprised.

Everybody knows spiritualism is a fake. I beg your pardon?

Now, Penny. You mustn't criticize other people's hobbies.

You got one or two of your own, you know. Yes, but not silly ones.

Well, I...

The perfect hobby should improve the body as well as the mind.

The Romans were great people. Why? What was their hobby? Wrestling.

In wrestling you must think quick with the mind and act quick with the body.

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah. I agree with you.

When I was young, I was pretty good at it myself.

But, unfortunately, as one grows older... Foolishness.

Once a wrestler, you never forget.

I have not done it for six years, but I forget nothing.

Look.

What's happening in here?

Sit down, Mr. Kirby.

Where are my glasses? Here they are.

Mr. Kirby, they're broken.

I am sorry, but when you wrestle again, Mr. Kirby, you will of course not wear your glasses.

I do not intend to wrestle again, sir. That was very silly, Kolenkhov.

I'm sorry you did that.

I'm sorry, Mr. Kirby.

If you don't mind, I think we better be going.

That's the best idea I've heard yet. Please don't go.

You're absolutely right, Mrs. Kirby. I think you should go.

The whole thing was a mistake. I'm terribly sorry for everything.

Alice, let me stay. I want to talk to you.

No, I'd rather you wouldn't. There's nothing to talk about.

Good night, Mrs. Kirby. Good night.

Good night, Mr. Kirby. I hope you didn't get hurt.

No. It's a pleasure to have met all of you.

Tony, come on. Alice, I...

Will I see you tomorrow? I don't know.

But I... Good night, Tony.

Good night.

Stay right where you are, everybody. For heaven's sake.

What's this all about?

Which one is it? That one over there.

Who? Me? What do you mean?

Look here. We don't belong in this house. Keep your mouth shut, you.

What's your name?

Ed Carmichael, and I haven't done anything.

See here. This seems very high-handed.

What's it all about? Police Department.

J-men.

G-men, Penny. Ed, what have you done?

Nothing. I told you somebody was following me.

But these people don't belong here. Please let them go.

Don't let anybody out that door.

This is outrageous. Do you realize who I am?

What's your name? Beton Batopevitch Kolenkhov.

Where are you from? Omsk.

Where? Omsk.

These stairs lead to the cellar? Yes, they do.

Look out, Chief.

What do you call this? It's called the New Monster.

Playing boogieman?

Yeah. Get over there.

My goodness. He must've gotten out of the wrong side of the bed this morning.

Mike, Bill.

Take a look.

Come here, you.

Ever see these before? Yes, sir. I printed lots of them.

You print this stuff? Yes, sir.

And you put them into candy boxes to get them into people's homes?

My Love Dreams. But I didn't mean anything.

You didn't? No, sir.

"Watch for the Revolution." Radicals.

"The Red Flag will sweep the country."

I didn't mean that. I just like to print, that's all.

See here. The government isn't in any danger from Ed.

Why, printing is just his hobby. That's all.

Why he'd print anything.

It's just like a play, isn't it?

Now, look here, young man.

Don't be so silly. I must get my pipe.

We were right, Chief.

There's enough gunpowder down there to blow up the town.

But we only use that... Shut up.

Everybody in this house is under arrest.

What's that?

Stay right here.

I tell you I must get it. You stay right where you are.

It's lit.

What's that? The fireworks.

Jim.

Anthony. Miriam, run!

Alice! Grandpa!

Keep your shirts on.

The Revolution!


Home again.

Just like Siberia. Only it stinks.

It was fun being fingerprinted, wasn't it?

Mr. Kirby didn't think so. It took three men to hold him down.

Never a dull moment, that's what I say, never a dull moment.

I can walk alone.

I never heard of anything so outrageous in all my life.

Never mind the argument.

Stop pushing me around like this, you fools. I'm Anthony P. Kirby. You hear that?

Okay, pal, I'm George Washington.

I want a telephone. I want to telephone my attorneys, you numbskulls.

We've made two calls for you already, mister. Keep your shirt on.

But this is Mr. Kirby, the banker. Yeah, well, that ain't my fault.

Night court's in session right now. He'll have to wait his turn.

I'm sorry, Mr. Kirby. You're sorry.

That's something after what I've been through.

After all, you did come on the wrong night.

The mayor will hear of this and so will the commissioner.

I'll have you all fired! Every one of you. Dad, don't get excited.

In a couple of hours... In a couple of hours...

I hope you're satisfied with your mother in there with a lot of cheap, common...

Pipe down, big shot. We want music.

Hit it up, Pop, and make it hot.


Listen, Matron, I'm Mrs. Kirby. Mrs. Anthony P. Kirby.

I'll give you $100 if you'll get me a private room.

Private room? We keep those for the insane cases.

Please do, she doesn't belong here with us.

Have her throw a couple of fits, lady, and I'll try to fix it.

Mrs. Kirby, please, believe me, I'm so sorry to have gotten you into all this trouble.

I'll appreciate it if you'll leave me strictly alone.

Don't let her get you, sister. They're getting tougher every place.

Say, where you been operating?

You got class. That's the kind of connection I'm looking for.

Wasn't it exciting in that car with the sirens screaming?

You better sit on your hands, Mrs. Kirby. It gets kind of cold after you sit awhile.

All right, but don't say that I didn't tell you when you begin to feel it.

Good heavens.

Why don't you come down off your high horse, babe.

I might be able to do you some good.

If you don't mind, I don't need anyone to do me good.

Never can tell, sugar plum. I know a good...

Please, let her alone. Can't you see she's a lady?

A lady? They sure get around nowadays.

You needn't waste your time trying to protect me. That won't help you.

If you had any sense, young woman, you'd stay where you belong and stop being ambitious.

Shall I sock her, Alice?

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.

Spend a quarter of a million dollars a year for attorneys and I can't get one of them.


Young man, will you get me some bicarbonate of soda?

What flavor?

Well, I've got you to thank for this. I hope it will teach you a lesson.

Fooling around with stenographers.

Now, listen, Dad. I intend to marry that girl. Yes, I know. I know.

I was going to marry a waitress once, fortunately my father knocked it out of me.

If you'll excuse me, Mr. Kirby.

I don't believe anyone has the right to interfere with young people in love.

Why don't you relax? Relax?

With my son practically being stolen from under my nose.

Me being locked up like a common criminal. "Relax!"

You know what'll happen if the newspapers get a hold of this?

It'll jeopardize the biggest deal of my career.

Stop worrying.

If I know my granddaughter, she isn't going to marry Tony without your blessing.

The only thing you've got to be concerned about is this big deal of yours.

What if it does fall through?

What if all your deals fall through?

Might be a good thing for you. Man, you're crazy.

Well, maybe I am, but I used to be just like you once.

Then one morning, when I was going up in the elevator, it struck me I wasn't having any fun.

So, I came right down and never went back.

Yes, sir. That was 35 years ago.

Admirable. And you haven't done a thing since?

Yes. Just the things I wanted to do.

Collected stamps.

Went to the zoo when I got the notion, took up the harmonica again and even found time to notice when spring came around.

This would be a fine country if we all spent our time in the zoo and played the harmonica.

You used to play one yourself. Tony said so.

Maybe you ought to take it up again.

Maybe it would stop you trying to be so desperate about making more money than you can ever use.

You can't take it with you, Mr. Kirby. So what good is it?

As near as I can see, the only thing you can take with you is the love of your friends.

Why don't you go out and get yourself a pulpit somewhere?

Well, I'm sorry.

Which one is Vanderhof? Right here.

Hello, Mr. Vanderhof. Remember me?

Twitch-face.

Yes, I heard that you were in trouble and came over to see if I could help you out.

Why should you want to help me?

To tell you the truth, I thought that if I did you a favor...

You're wasting your time, Mr. Twitch, Mr. Blakely.

I have no intention of selling my home. We'll see how long you can hold out.

Wait 'til a few more things happen to you.

So you arranged this arrest? Yes, and it's just a starter.

By the time I get through, you'll be willing and glad to sell.

So you did this?

Why, Mr. Kirby.

You blockhead. Do you know what you've done?

But, Mr. Kirby, I never dreamed that you knew these people.

I told you the police were on their trail and you told me to go ahead and make them sell.

You blithering idiot, get out.

If you've got an ounce of sense left, you'll dig up my attorneys.

I've been here for hours. Yes, sir. I'll phone them all.

So, you're the one that's been holding up my deal?

Yes. Kind of funny, isn't it? What's funny about it?

The idea of you engineering this whole thing and being caught in your own trap.

Maybe it won't be so funny when I take that house away from you.

Now I begin to see what's been going on. That's a fine trick, Mr. Vanderhof.

Using my son to get information, and then making me pay through the nose.

Wait a minute... Nobody will make me pay for anything unless I want to. Now you've got those all wrong.

I'll show you how to do business the Kirby way.

Business?

You're not a businessman. You're like a lion in the jungle.

Yes, and I've got the longest and the sharpest claws, too.

That's how I got where I am, on top, and scum like this is still in the gutter.

You're an idiot, Mr. Kirby.

What? A stupid idiot.

You can't talk to me like that. Yes, I can.

Scum, are we?

What makes you think you're such a superior human being?

Your money? If you do, you're a dull-witted fool, Mr. Kirby.

And a poor one at that.

You're poorer than any of these people that you call scum.

Because I'll guarantee at least they've got some friends.

But you, with your jungle and your long claws, as you call them you'll wind up your miserable existence without anything you can call a friend.

You may be a high mogul to yourself, Mr. Kirby, but to me you're a failure.

A failure as a man, a failure as a human being, even a failure as a father.

When your time comes, I doubt if a single tear will be shed over you.

The world will probably cry "good riddance."

That's a nice prospect, Mr. Kirby. I hope you'll enjoy it.

I hope you'll get some comfort out of all this coin you've been sweating over then.

I'm sorry, Mr. Kirby.

I haven't lost my temper like that in 30-odd years.

Don't know what came over me.

I didn't mean anything I said.

I wish you'd told me to mind my own business.

If there's any way I could make up for it

I would.

Here, how'd you like to have my harmonica?

It's a new one and good, too.

You might want to play it sometime.

After all, who am I to criticize anybody?

All right, everybody out for night court. Have your slips ready.

I'm Mr. Kirby's attorney. Where is he?

Kirby. Yes, Kirby, Kirby.

Yes. Just going to be arraigned. Right through there.

Wonder what he's so excited about.

Attorney for Mr. Kirby. Has he been arraigned yet?

Not yet. Right through that door. Thank you.

Kirby?

Anthony P. Kirby.

Is that Anthony P. Kirby, the banker? It's Kirby, the banker, you know.

Just a minute, please. Yes, that's Anthony P. Kirby.

That's all we wanted to know.

Boy.

What did you say your name was? Anthony P. Kirby.

Psychopathic ward.

I sentence you to 31 days in the city jail but I'll suspend 30 days of that sentence if you give me your word that as soon as you get out tomorrow morning you'll go back to your folks in Kansas.

Thank you, sir, thank you. That's all right, run along.

Your Honor, would you take the Vanderhof case next?

Why?

We just found out that one of them is A.P. Kirby.

The banker? Yes.

What are the charges?

Disturbing the peace and manufacturing fireworks without a license.

Fireworks?

You mean to tell me that A.P. Kirby has been held in the drunk tank?

Well, well, well...

Is that why all these spectators are here tonight?

No. They are Vanderhof's friends.

I didn't know anybody had that many friends anymore.

The newspapermen heard about Kirby yet?

I don't think so. That's good.

What a holiday they'd have if they knew A.P. Kirby was in the drunk tank.

Well, bring them in right away. No use crucifying him.

Bring in the Vanderhofs. Vanderhof case next.

Get away from me. Have you seen the...

Hello, Grandpa.

Order. Order.

Quiet.

Order.

Your Honor, in arresting Mr. and Mrs. Kirby and their son, a grave blunder was made and we would suggest...

Do all four of you represent Mr. Kirby? Yes, Your Honor.

Quite an array of talent for a misdemeanor.

If there's any objection, Your Honor, to Mr. Kirby being represented by counsel...

Not at all. Not at all. In fact, this court feels quite flattered.

Thank you. Yes.

The charge is disturbing the peace.

How do you plead? Not guilty, of course.

Of course.

Mister, are you represented, or any of your people, by counsel?

No, sir.

I guess we were disturbing the peace if anyone took the trouble to make a complaint against us.

And if it's against the law to make fireworks without a license I guess we're guilty of that, too, because we've been doing it a long time.

I don't feel guilty, do you, Essie?

Order, order, please.

Mr. Vanderhof, on the charge of disturbing the peace you and the rest of your family are, by your own plea, guilty.

However, I shall suspend sentence. Thank you.

But, the manufacturing of explosives without a license, I'm sorry I'm forced to fine you $100.

One hundred dollars?

That's a lot of money.

Your Honor, Mr. Kirby, who is noted for his charitable work would like to pay the fine for this poor unfortunate family.

No, thank you. I couldn't let you do that.

No, you don't. Grandpa don't need your money. We'll pay that fine.

Order, order! Order in the court.

Order, order.

No, it's all right, Officer. It's all right. Let them come in.

We'll pay the fine.

We don't need your money.

A whole hat full, Grandpa. A whole hat full.

We'll get it, Grandpa.

There you are, Judge, is that enough?

Yes, I think so.

Take the money over to the clerk's desk.

Mr. Vanderhof, you're a very lucky man to have so many friends.

Yes.

How about it, Lieutenant? You can't come in here.

Come on, will you? Let us take just one flash.

Now, gentlemen.

I'd like to dismiss the charges against the Kirbys of disturbing the peace but unfortunately they were present at the time of the arrest and if these people were guilty then I must naturally assume that the Kirbys were guilty also.

But Your Honor, that's absurd.

Unless, of course, they can explain what they were doing there.

Don't say a word, Anthony.

I'm afraid they've got you, Mother.

Do you realize, Your Honor, that this gentleman is Mr. Anthony P. Kirby?

I've been made to realize that fact.

Perhaps Mr. Anthony P. Kirby himself can explain what they were doing there.

Well, Your Honor... I don't think that that's important.

Haven't we been embarrassed enough?

It seems to me a little more respect should be shown for our position.

Your Honor, this charge is absolutely ridiculous.

Failing a satisfactory explanation, I shall be obliged to have them stand trial.

But... They have the right to be heard.

Your Honor, please.

Mr. Kirby came to see me about buying my house.

About buying your house? Yes.

You see, he's been interested in the property for some time now and...

Well, he just came there to talk a deal over.

That's all.

Why, of course that's why we were there, and I don't see why we should be held accountable for anything that these people might have done.

That's not true. Now, Alice.

Grandpa, I won't stand for it.

I won't stand for our being humiliated like this.

They're ashamed to tell you why they were there.

They're ashamed to admit they came to look my family over to see if I was good enough to marry their precious son.

I never heard anything so ridiculous in my life. Now just a minute, Your Honor.

She's right. That's the reason we were there. It's about time you spoke up.

I've decided that it's your family that isn't good enough.

Why, I wouldn't be related to a bunch of snobs like that for anything in the world.

Your mother's all in a dither because of her social reputation.

That's telling them, Alice. Who do they think they are?

Order!

Your reputation's safe as far as I'm concerned and so is your son's, and so's your old man's.

What's up?

Cinderella just told Prince Charming to go take a flying leap.

How about us taking a flying leap? That's a good idea.

Order in the court.

Order. Officer, put these men out.

The next time you want to go slumming, stay away from our neighborhood.

Alice, please.

Order.

Order.


Dang gummit, Alice should've let us know where she was going.

Don't you think so, Essie?

Any word from her yet?

I've been all over town. The detective agency worked all night on it.

They've checked every hotel for 100 miles around.

Mrs. Sycamore, won't you please tell me where she is?

I don't know, Tony.

Even if I did, I'm sorry. I couldn't tell you.

If I wrote her a letter would you see... You don't understand, Tony.

She doesn't want to see you. That's why she went away mostly.

There's no use in your coming here anymore, and trying to find her.

You'll only make things worse for her. For us, too.

Well, I guess that's that.

We're all awfully sorry, Tony. Thank you, sir.

Boy, I sure do feel sorry for Tony.

Rheba say you want something to eat, somebody?

No, I'm not hungry, are you?

I ought to be cleaning up the cellar. It's in an awful mess.

Look here, everyone. Here's a letter from Alice.

Really?

How is she? Where did you get it?

Ned, the postman, chased me down the street and gave it to me.

He recognized her handwriting. I've read it, Penny.

Read it aloud, Penny.

Where's it from, Mother? Wait a minute. My hands are shaking.

She's staying with Helen, that school friend in Riverside.

That's in Connecticut, isn't it, Grandpa?

Read the letter, Mother.

Now, let me see.

"And I was so miserable and confused I had to do something.

"I do hope you'll understand.

"It's peaceful here and I've thought it all out.

"I know now the situation between Tony and me is impossible.

"Mrs. Kirby was right. I should have stayed in my own backyard.

"Don't worry about me, Mother. I'll get over it.

"My darlings, I'm so lonesome for you.

"I don't know how I can stand it.

"Last night I cried myself to sleep, and that helped a little.

"But this morning when I woke up and realized I wasn't in my own bed..."

"I wish I could rush back home. But how can I, if I want to forget?

"The newspapers, Tony, and a million little things make it impossible.

"Forgive me, my darlings.

"I promise to write every day, sometimes twice or even more.

"Please, everybody, take good care of yourselves.

"Don't let anything happen to you.

"All my love, Alice."

Sounds to me like she's not coming back.

Mr. Blakely, please.

Mr. Blakely?

Dad, you don't mean you're thinking of selling the house?

Alice is right.

She can never come back here. It would only make her miserable.

I won't let her live alone. We'll find a place up there with her.

Mr. Blakely, this is Vanderhof.

Do you still want to buy the house?

You'll only pay $25,000 now.

Well, all right. Certainly, today.

All right, that's all. Goodbye.

Well, we had to leave this house sometime, anyway.

I had a hard time, but I made the old codger sell.

Mr. Kirby's got all 12 blocks, solid. All right, Henry. We can go ahead.

We've got the Vanderhof property. Line up Kincaid right away.

If that old gent hadn't sold, the whole deal would've been blocked.

What a spotty head, the sucker.

To all tenants in the 12-block area. Notice. You are hereby notified that...

"You are hereby notified that 10 days from this date your premises must be vacated."

That's the same as I've got. That certainly doesn't give us much time.

Does it? No.

Look. The Jensens must have gotten their notice. Let's go see.

Mr. Jensen, did you get one of these? Sure. We have to get out in 10 days.

We all have to move. I can't understand it.

Grandpa said if they couldn't buy his house, nobody would have to move.

Look.


Sorry, Mr. Kirby can't be disturbed.

I think it's all over, don't you?

Hello? Sorry, Mr. Kirby's not available.

Hello. He's not answering his phone. Sorry.

I've just been upstairs.

All our board members are there, and so are the heads of those six little companies.

Boy, is this merger going to make history!

I hear the market's going crazy. They don't know whether to buy or sell.

I hope we're right. I have everything I own sunk in this.

Stop bellyaching. We can't miss. Let's get this over with. Where's Kirby?

In there. We've been waiting half an hour for him.

Who's with him?

Nobody. He's probably taking bows in front of the other Kirbys on the wall.

Hello. No. Tell the senator to keep his shirt on.

Kirby wants him to stay in Washington. No newspapers until after the meeting.

Ramsey make trouble for us? You're crazy. He's broke.

He's finished. Kirby hasn't even left him carfare.

You've got to hand it to the old man.

How he squeezed down on old Ramsey, beautiful.

I saw Ramsey this morning, you know.

It wouldn't surprise me if he were to blow his brains out.

I tell you, they're waiting up there.

Let's get Kirby and get this thing over with before something happens.

Good idea. Wait a minute, wait a minute.

You know he doesn't like that.

Good heaven, man. Look at the time.

I'll get him on the phone. Maybe he won't mind that.

Get me Mr. Kirby in the conference room.


Hello. Yeah.

Certainly. Well, come on. What are you waiting for?

They're waiting upstairs. We'd better be getting up there.

Good. Have you got your proxies? Right here. Including Kincaid's.

He was tough. But when we offered to make him president, he jumped at it.

When you offered to make him what?

I explained to him that all you wanted to be was the chairman of the board of directors.

Tell him it's a mistake. I've already chosen the president.

But we were saving... Anthony Kirby, Jr. is going to be president.

Tony? He's much too young, A.P. Yes. Is he?

What about our promise to Kincaid? You've got his proxy. Forget about him.

But A.P., we have our obligations... I say, forget about him. Come on.

Now, please, Mr. Ramsey, Mr. Kirby is very busy...

Well, Mr. Kirby, I suppose you're very proud of yourself.

Another victory. The greatest of your career.

What do you want, Ramsey?

You know something.

I actually thought of coming here to ask for mercy but I couldn't figure out a basis on which to do it.

Certainly not friendship.

Once, a long time ago, that might have been possible but you destroyed that, Anthony. Remember?

Look at me, Anthony.

Tomorrow the world will read that Ramsey is broke.

Doesn't that please you?

I've seen men jump out of windows for less, but I'm going to fool you, Anthony because I've suddenly realized that I haven't lost a thing, that I never gained one moment's happiness out of it.

And I warn you, Anthony, and neither will you.

In spite of your victories, you can't shut out every decent impulse and survive.

You're top-heavy with power right now, Anthony, but you're going to crack under it.

You're bound to crack under it.

And do you know what is going to happen, Mr. Anthony P. Kirby?

You'll scream for help and suddenly find yourself alone in the world.

You'll wriggle on the hook and find that nobody gives a hang.

I know because that's what happened to me.

And it will happen to you.

That's what happens to all men like us, Anthony.

It's coming to us, it's coming to...


He's taking it kind of hard. Isn't he? Always was a weak sister.

Sounded crazy to me.

They're waiting upstairs. Let's get up there. Come along, A.P., come along.

Go upstairs and start things. I'll be up in a minute.

But they're waiting. I'll be up in a minute.

Hello, Dad. May I come in? Hello, Son. Come on in.

How are you?

Glad to see you. Sit down. I want to talk to you.

You know what I always said about the Kirbys and Tennyson's brook?

They go on forever.

If you're talking about the meeting upstairs, I know all about that. Congratulations. Thank you, but that's nothing at all.

There's more to it than that.

When I get through with them upstairs, there will be a new president.

Do you know who that's going to be? Dad, I know you're going to be busy, so I...

I'm quitting.

You're quitting?

I just handed in my resignation.

I've been thinking about it for a long time...

So, you're quitting. What are you going to do?

I don't know.

I think I'll go away for a while.

Try and get myself organized.

I'm was going to hang on to my job until this thing with Alice got all straightened out but that's all over, so...

There's no use waiting around for that.

I don't know, I...

I thought, maybe after I get back, I could start to work on that grass thing.

You remember that thing Bob Smith and I fooled around with in college?

Yes.

Dad, if you think it's funny, I'm sorry. I came in here to say goodbye.

Goodbye?

Are you serious? Yes, I'm serious.

I don't want any part of this, Dad.

I never did.

You can't do this, after all the plans I made for you...

Dad, if I can just make you understand this.

I think this business is great. It's good for you because you like it.

I don't. And I never will.

I've tried to talk to you many times about it, but I just couldn't get it out.

I used to be able to talk to you, Dad, but lately...

I'll probably be gone before you get home tonight.

Goodbye, Dad.

Goodbye, son.

Maybe when I get back, we can sit down and have a good old-fashioned gabfest.

Yeah, yeah.


Yes. It's about Mr. Ramsey, sir.

They just found him dead in the washroom. The doctor said it was heart failure.

Yes?

What did you say? They just found Mr. Ramsey dead.

A.P., they're getting impatient upstairs. I can't hold them any longer.


Boardroom.

Get everything set. We're on our way up.

Hello, Mr. Kirby.

Fifty-second. Fifty-second.

Fifty-second, sir.

Take me down.

Down? Down?

Where you going, A.P? We can't postpone this meeting.

Take me down. We've been waiting on you for hours.

What's the matter, Mr. Kirby? Is there something wrong?

Darned if I don't think they enjoy this moving.

Don't be silly. It's killing them.

It certainly is going to be gay around here when you leave, Grandpa?

Grandpa found the cutest place near where Alice is, right on the ocean.

Lake, Penny. Lake. That's what I said, lake.

We're going to invite you all up to go deep-sea fishing.

Gee, Mr. Kolenkhov, isn't it exciting? Exciting?

With you moving and the Grand Duchess out of a job, where do I eat?

Hello, Mr. Vanderhof. So you're here again.

Why won't you tell me where she is?

Because there's an unwritten law in our family against snitching.

But look, Mr. Vanderhof, I just sort of feel I can talk to you about this thing.

I've left my job and I'm going away tonight, and I...

But I love Alice. And she loves me. This whole thing is ridiculous.

I'm convinced, young man, but you're not marrying me.

After all, Alice is the woman.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

I just thought I'd take a parting shot before I left.

I certainly have messed things up beautifully, haven't I?

Yes. Well, goodbye, sir.

The trouble with young squirts nowadays is they have no imagination.

They don't use the old bean.

Well, I'll do anything you say, sir.

You want to see Alice again, don't you? Yes.

And we can't tell you where she is? Yes, no, sir.

There's a big trunk of Alice's upstairs and they're going to take it right where she is.

Just don't say another word.

Grandpa!

Grandpa, I came just as soon as I got your telegram.

I'm too late. You've already sold the house.

Of course I've sold the house. I got tired of it. That's all.

Grandpa, it's all my fault.

Alice, dear. Alice, we were coming to you.

Now everybody on the block has to move, don't they?

And Grandma. What about her? You're walking out on her. Aren't you?

Now, don't be childish, Alice. The thing is done.

Now, go on upstairs and pack your things.

Alice, will you give me a chance to talk to you?

Well, they wanted the house and they got it, the mighty Kirbys.

No, no. Wait. What are you doing here anyway?

Why don't you leave us alone? Now wait a minute!

I have something to tell you. I want you to listen.

Go ahead and scream.

That's the way you've gotten everything since you were a baby.

Scream your head off and see what it gets you now.

Alice, Alice.

Alice.

Alice.

Alice.

I sure feel sorry for Grandpa.

I walked in the room and he was looking at a picture of Grandma and he was crying.

Crying?

Yeah. He got kinda sore, too, because he caught me looking at him, and threw something at me.

There's only one thing worrying me. Have they got relief up there?

Sure they have. They've got relief everywhere now.

There is? Yeah.

Let's get on up there then.

Well, I guess we've moved everything out of here.

Yes, that's about all.

Here's one that didn't go off.

Be careful with it. Especially the typewriter.

I have a feeling I'm going to do my best work at our new place.

Dad.

Now, Penny, we've had enough wailing for one day.

Do you mind if I come in? No, no, not at all. Come right in.

We aren't quite prepared for visitors, but...

Donald, put that chair down for Mr. Kirby.

Let me have that stool, too, will you, Donald, please?

Thank you.

Mr. Vanderhof, could we be alone? Sure. Penny.

Thank you.

I don't know, Grandpa is talking to him.

Mr. Vanderhof, you once told me I was a failure as a father.

I didn't mean that. I know, but I am.

Tony's walked out on me and it's just about made a wreck of me.

Mr. Kirby, you're beginning to act quite human.

Look, you know about these things. I don't.

I need your advice. I'd give a fortune to... Now, there you are, you've got to stop thinking in terms of fortune.

You know what I do when I run smack into a crisis?

I just take out my harmonica and I play on it until that crisis just fades away.

Now, please don't joke about this... I'm not joking about it.

You asked my advice and I'm giving it to you.

I think that if we played a duet together, you and I, on the harmonica...

You brought it with you, didn't you? What? Well, I...

Yes, fine.

Now, let's play a duet good and loud.

And you'll be surprised at what might happen.

Let's see, what shall we play?

Do you know Polly Wolly Doodle?

You ought to know it. Polly Wolly Doodle?

We drove you almost crazy with it once.

You know it, of course you do.

Now, come on. Let's play it, good and loud now, and swing it.

What's that, Grandpa?

Come on, Essie, let's get hot.

Come on.


My Russian wrestling friend.

Magnificent, magnificent.

Thank you.

Is my son here? You'll be surprised.

Anthony.

Hello, Mother, come on. You do the Big Apple, too.

Mr. Sycamore, you show her how to do the Big Apple.

Come on. Why not?

Quiet, please.

Quiet.

Well, sir, here we are again.

We've had quite a time of it lately, but it seems as if the worst of it was over.

Of course, the fireworks all blew up, but we can't very well blame that on you.

Anyway, everything's turned out fine as it usually does.

Alice is going to marry Tony.

Mr. Kirby, who's turned out to be a very good egg, has sold us back our house and he'll probably forget all about big deals for a while.

Nobody on our block has to move. And with the right handling I think we can even thaw out Mrs. Kirby in time.

We've all got our health, and as far as anything else is concerned we still leave that up to you.

Thank you.

Bring it on, Rheba.

Now it is two easy lessons, Mrs. Kirby, I will teach you...

No holds barred.

I hope you like it, Mr. Kirby.