You May Not Kiss the Bride (2011) Script

You two looks amazing! your Like a perfect couple.

C'mon you guys! it's your wedding day. Smile!

This isn't working.

Piggy! Mr. Piggy! C'mon! Mr piggy who does'nt love Mr. Piggy! Come on.

You Guys Up here, up here!

Tonya What are you doing? I'm trying to get them to stand up. and look into each others eyes and kiss.

Ah! walk away.

Alright come on guys.

So how long have they been dating, I know you have to multiply, it by seven or something but.

I'm just trying to get an idea how long to go out with somebody before tying the knot you know Okay.

Give me that.

Come on guys work with me. Sit up, sit up, sit up.

Tonya, Tonya!

What are you doing? I'm so Sorry. I'm so sorry.

Will you stop dancing.

I so very much like espresso.

It's strong and enjoyably better.

I see you, Agent Ross you prefer a straight forward cup of coffee...

While you Agent Meyers you pick a latte and add much sweetness.

This is why, I became a US citizen.

America is the land of many choices.

Plus Croatian coffee tastes like dog urine..

Why exactly did you want to meet with us, Mr. Nikitin?

You and your wife have already obtained citizenship.

I don't think there's anything we can anything we can help you with, I want my daughter Masha to have the same opportunity, without the wait.

So what are you suggesting Sir?

I am more than willing to pay a reasonable fee to expedite her paperwork, My understanding that the traditional cost of this service is $10,000 US Dollars.

Well whatever your understanding of by-passing US immigration laws is Mr Nikitin...

Were not in the business of expediting anybodys citizentship.

Your lucky we don't arrest you. for trying to bribe us.

We'll be paying close attention to your Daughter.

You said that they could be bought? That's what I was told, dont worry well find someone else.

No INS will be watching her closely, we must find another way.

Okay, alright, ooh. hey the sooner we get this done, the sooner you can go back to pillaging.

He's just messing with you. your a big old baby, Give me a wet one Brutus.

You need to get to know him that's all... Rub him between his hinds, and you can pose him any way you like...

Sorry did you say rub him Between his hinds? you want him to co-operate. You gotta give him a tickle.

I'm not a tickler type.. I think You should probably tickle your own dog.

Your AD says satisfaction guaranteed. or I dont pay holmes.


I can tickle a dog. Usually I would take you out to dinner first, but this is um.

There you go.

A Huh, I'm sorry I'm late.

Are you rubbing that dogs happy spot? It's the only way he'll co-operate. well I could have told you that!

Oh um you know what um, that's my next client. would you just show her the costumes, and dont bring her out until I say Okay.

Got It. Oh Lord!


I am here for photograph of cat.!

I love your accent. It's Venezuelan right?

Okay! I think about massaging him again. No, no no we got it.

He was snarling the whole time. and that's what pirates do. I'll email you the proofs you'I love em.

So we cant decide between the Ballerina or an angel? I told yah, I told you not to bring the cat!



Come back, Brutus.

Stop, kjissimirri! Brutus, Brutus!

Screaming, aaahhh!

I gotta go, I'm late for my modelling class.

I'm really sorry about what happened, It's okay, accidents happen.

Why haven't you asked me out? I've been your assistant for a whole month now.

Em Yeah, and you've been um... really creative with the squeaky toys. that's like uh a talent that.

Dont you find me attractive?

Yeah, but you know it's not a good idea... I feel, A really strong connection between us.

If I moved in with you, I'd never be late to work. Yeah, yeah But!, an alarm clock would probably work also you know.

Think about it okay.


Show me tongue.

You suffer from stress. Yeah tell me about it.

Chi out of balance. We fix.

Um I've never done this before. Does this hurt?

No pain. Close eyes. Relax.

Okay, this is'nt that bad.

You look a bit stressed, what the! Do you want me to help you out with that?

You like borscht? It's old Family Recipe.

My name is Vlatko Nikitin. Brickland and Oleg they work for me.

You can call me Brick.

What do you want? I mean This is kidnapping.

No, no kidnapping you came here voluntarily. to make amends, Amends.

Amends for what? I did'nt do anything. Tell that to my wife's cat.

Oh I'm so sorry about that. I have a new assistant...

Cat is worthless. I bought it in Dubrovnik for 3 kuneh. that's uh, 54 US cents.

Look I'll pay you for all your vet charges. cat is simply cat to me.

I prefer goat. But my wife Borislava she is heartsick.

Look ah, Mr. Nik... Nicotine, um, What can I do to make this right Sir?

Easiest solution would have Brickland and Oleg put you in cement shoes and take you for swim in lake.

What's the next easiest solution? Marry my daughter, Masha.

Excuse me? Masha having problems with Visa. Marriage solves problem.

What your saying, you want me to marry your daughter so she can get her green card?

After one year you get annulment, and you have no further debt to my family.

No I've never even met her. relax please marriage is purely for show.

Masha will be marrying Brickland in one years time. Brickland is like a son to me...

But he is very jealous.

So I would not consider any sexual activity...

With hand or mouth or he will kill you, in a very unpleasant way. Okay I'm sorry, but this conversation is over. I'm really apologetic about your cat, and that whole situation but I'm outta here...

Brian. You do not know who I am.

Many powerfull men have tried to cross me, Where are they now? Who knows?

You, you are not a powerfull man.

But you are an intelligent man. I believe you will make the right decision.

Goodmo! shall we live forever. Goodmo! Goodmo

Who the hell is this? It's me mom, You'd better be in the emergency room or jail to be calling me at this hour I'm in the middle of a facial detox! for Gods sake.

Mom! I have to marry a Croatian girl, or her fathers going to have me killed.

So marry her. Did you hear what I just said?

Yes this is good news. No this not good news Mom, did you miss the part about him murdering me.

Do you love her? No I dont, Ma I've never even met her.

Look the whole thing is complicated. Oh it's always too complicated with you.

Is she old enough to bear children? What? I hear Eastern European women are very fertile.

Mom you know this is not helping. What does she look like?

I do not know, but judging by her mother, she's not gonna win any beauty contests We all get ugly, it's only a matter of time Does she have any money?

I dont, her father is some kind of crime boss. so she comes from money.

Are'nt you even listening? Do you have other women in your life? oh here we go.

I'm not getting any younger Brian, I need some grandchildren already!

Well that's not gonna happen, they said I can't even touch her. My father told your dad the same thing, you think he listened.

You were conceived in an elevator, on our honeymoon. Oh!

I had the close door button imprinted on my forehead for two days.

Mom, I did not need to hear that. All men are afraid of commitment. stop whining and marry this girl.

That's all I'm gonna say.

Do you like plane? I pay half price.

Sounds like you got a screaming deal. Yes, screamng was involved.

Wedding is in two week. Brickland wishes to be your best man.

I'm Moved.

Give this Masha. during vows it will help convince Authorities, you are serious.

Do you wish to invite witnesses? ah no!, I'm an only child.

My dads gone, my mom is. lets Just say, My mom has a prior commitment... Okay, Meeting over. Get-out.

What do you mean you're getting married?

I mean I'm getting married.

How long have you been sleeping with her? that's a little inappropriate. How long? Tonya, How long?

I haven't slept with her yet okay.

Huh, what is she a virgin or something?

What does she look like, she sexy? uh! She's Croatian.

Does she even speak English? I hope so.

Did you order her off Ebay or something? I did not order her off Ebay.

Then how come you've never mentioned her? because I'ts complicated Okay.

You know Brian I'm not stupid.

If you wanted to dump me, you didn't have to invent some christation Virgin, Croatian, Croation. And I did not invent her. Okay I've never been dumped. I do the dumping you understand!

How can I dump you if we've never gone out.

You know what If it makes you feel better go ahead and dump me. Why would I do that?

I love you. Okay! Um, Look Tonya.

I think you may have misunderstood our relationship okay.

Look Brian, I don't know about a lot of things, but one thing I do know about is about men. and you definitely...

You kow what, I'm sorry I'm getting married.

We'll see about that.

Ah, What is that supposed to mean?

Okay, Let's go over it one more time.

Ok, we met two months ago at the Ballet. Which Ballet?

The ah! " The Gazelle". "Giselle" at the Joffrey! Yes, Yes Look, does it have to be the ballet?

Masha loves to dancing! it's her passion.

She's a very a very passionate person, ok whatever, So we went to the ballet, then we started dating...

Where did you propose to her? At the Ukrainian bistro.

Ukrainian village restaurant. What's her favorite drink?

I know this one. Stav, stav, stav...

Stavlenniy myod. It's a strong liquor.

What's her favorite colour? that's Blue.

Red! It's red final answer.

What does she hate more than anything? Um!

Big Limey thugs.

Womanizers! womanizers she hates womanizers. Brick I was kidding, it was a bad joke in retrospect.

You listen to me. The dates been set for you and Masha to meet at a nightclub.

You put on a good show for your Authorities, but if you go too far! I'll rip your heart out.

Okay. I appreciate your encouragement, sir.

You know this would help, if I knew what she looked like.

To me she's the most beautifull woman in the world.

Hi, I'm Brian. Brick told me a lot about you.

Zoya. Zoya? your not Masha?

Zoya. your not Masha that's Awesome!

Masha! Hi...



Anya? Take us to the table, Okay.

Come on.

Thank you.

This is awkward. Yes it is.

I had no idea what you look like.

You look disappointed. No, no, not disappointed, your English is perfect.

Oh I had an American Nanny my whole childhood.

You look exactly the way I thought you would. I do?

I checked out your Facebook profile.

Oh my. um listen that was one night a bachelor party, I was wearing my cowboy boots, my friends, not together I know your only here because of what happened to my mother cats. I'm so sorry about that.

No, no, no, No offense, or anything, but I dont wanna marry you either. I dont even know you.

I know that your a photographer and that you have hazel brown eyes...

But that hardly qualifies.

Look I know I'm breaking the law I could have been admitted legally in less than a year... but that was before my father decided to bribe the INS.

I told him to stay out of it, but...

Okay, there are two men, and their watching us right now.

Just act natural or something.

What do we do?

Lets, um lets put on a little show for them.

I not exactly a Barysnikov dancer.

Relax. Okay.

Oh, Yeah Okay.

Oh No, no. no... Yeah this is good right?

No, just take my lead okay, Okay.

Slow, slow, slow...

You think they made us? Oh Yeah.

Um, I think their leaving. Who?

The INS agents.

Oh, right. we should probably play it safe.

Ah coast is clear!, see you at a wedding.

Mr. Lighthouse, we'd like to ask you a few questions I'm Agent Ross INS this is my partner agent Meyers.

So we understand that your gonna marry Masha Nikitin?

Yes! ah, yes I am.

We've been dating for a few months. She loves the colour red and. and she hates womanizers.

So where did you two meet? At the Joffrey.

We saw "The Nutcracker". The "Gazelle", "Giselle".

It was a triple bill. So your a big ballet fan then huh.

No. actually I'm not I was given free tickets and I said maybe I should go and then I'd meet a Croation bride, Check.

Um, What is this about gentlemen?

I think You know Mr Lighthouse, yes. Masha's Nikitin's visa about to run out, and she conveniently marries you in the nick of time.

Did her father offer you money to marry his daughter?

Guys come on... Vlatko Nikitin is a very powerfull Eastern European crime figure.

He's being investigated for Racketeering, Extortion. Murder, and you wanna be his son in-law?

How much is he paying you Lighthouse? Nothing, and I will swear that on a stack of Bibles.

Well we understand that he's paying for a Mega buck honeymoon out in the South Pacific what about that.

He is, your telling us you dont know about your own honeymoon? My honeymoon? Of course, I know. Duh!

I just did'nt know that he was paying for the full thing.

You guys ruined that surprise. no Santa too.

Your going to jail for hell of a long time, if your not telling us the truth.

Or you'll end up dead. You really think he's gonna let you walk away from this.

If this wedding is the result of coercion, we can offer you full immunity if you help us.

Help you do what? Well we need to know everything about Nikitins business dealings.

Bank accounts, money laundering, the works.

I'm sorry guys, but uh! no ones pressuring me into this, Alright, I love Mashaa.

Okay. Well um just think about it.

Um thats but, I have nothing to hide.

Tonya What are you doing here? looking for some catnip. got any? Catnip no. I dont have catnip.

Look ah! You look great... ish. But you have to get out of here okay.

I'll let you pose me and let you and take pictures of me if you want.

Tonya you really have need to go, Okay.

Look if you care about me at all, you'll forget me okay. I'm not giving up on you that easily Brian.

Welcome everyone! I would like to make a toast to the newly weds, Za mladenci!

Za mladenci!

Za mladenci!

Love you, Dad!

This is private reception.

Okay... Woh! Mrs. Lighthouse!

Did I tell you already, how beautiful you look? was that before or after you got drunk?

Oh! That's me. Luba Chernobyl.

You can search me, if you want.

I'm really gonna like being married to you.

Congratulations, Thank you.

Gorko, Gorko, Gorko.!

Gorko, Gorko, Gorko,Gorko Gorko, Gorko, Gorko, Gorko, Gorko, Gorko, Gorko Gorko...

Who's Gorko? It means the vine is bitter.

We must kiss her as long as it takes the vine to get sweet, its a Slavic tradition.

Who am I to mess with tradition.

Relax! you can do you what you want to him, after she gains citizenship.

I love this woman!

I would like to make a toast to the groom. Brian.

You and I have shared many intimate moments together.

Most of them have involved animals.

Some like the night where you made me dress up like a kitten...

I will never forget that.

Well, well, well, He's got a little girlfriend.

Resolve this. anyway I love you Brian, who else can make Mr. Piggy squeal like I do.


Aah! I not giving up on you!

Sorry about that. that was ah my assistant, Ah former assistant.

She's ah, She's crazy, ooh somehow thinks that were in a relationship but, that is totally, unequivably false.

Because I've only loved one woman in my life besides my mother...

And today I was lucky enough to to marry her.

Stop! Stop. well lets party guys its a wedding! Sorktum, sorktum, go Gorkoh!

You are doing a very convincing job, pretending to love my daughter.

It's not like I have a choice. My wife she's excellent judge of character.

She sees what she sees, even if you blind.

I dont love your daughter, Nothing must happen on Honeymoon But then why are we even going on honeymoon? INS will suspect nothing.

Result is far. Maybe they not follow.

Eye's will be watching you. So make sure that the little-Brian does not take over for big Brian.

If you my grab my meaning! Oh.

Dont worry, I'm not interested in him.

"What did she say? 'she said take good care of our Masha"

" Or you will suffer more beyond all imagination. "

Oh that's what I thought she said.

You know you did'nt say a word to me during the whole flight. You passed out the entire flight.

Can we talk about this? What is there to talk about? You play your part and I'll play mine.

Yeah! were gonna be spending a lot of time together. Can we at least try and be friends?

We'll see.

Ahem! Oh hi may I help you?

Yeah Hi! were um on the 11am flight to Nuku Hiva, Staying at the Lover's Bay Resort,.

Oh I'm Sorry. All flights to Marquesas have been canceled due to a weather system.

But oh! but you can try and book a local room at that counter.

Um Do you have another way we can get there?

Ernesto can fly you there.

Who is Ernesto? Ernesto Esteban Cruz.

Like Penelope Cruz. she won the Oscar.

I checked the Doppler, machine checking storms the storm heading south.

It should miss Nuku Hiva by a little short hair.

Plus you get guided tour, a private flight, and? free sandwiches.

Ham and cheese.

Um, should we try this? Um, are you sure this is safe?

I haven't lost a passenger yet.

" If you look to your left you will see the magnificent Hiva oan island. "

"The second largest in the Marquesas. "

Um, "How much further? 'Ah the Beautiful island of Bora Bora"

" Is coming up on your right, belongs to little group of Society Islands. "

Wait a minute Bora Bora is nowhere near Nuku Hiva. Do we even know where we are?

Not exactly, my instruments are down.

Would either of you like a sandwich? I'm sorry. Did you say your intruments are down?

Yes. I have ham and cheese...

Or just cheese.

Are we gonna crash? I dont like to use the term crash, it's negative.

I Prefer the term "catastrophic failure".

Oh my God! It is more professional.

Wait for it, sit back!

Welcome to Nuku Hiva.

Greetings from Tahiti.

BEAUTIFUL Polynesia Tahiti SHINE.


Okay we've arrived.




Gratuity. It's not included.

Um Okay, I'm sorry I know it says in the guide book there's no tipping in Tahiti You going to believe guide book, or Ernesto? are you kidding me you almost got us killed like a hundred times!

You're on honeymoon, it's like best Aphrodisiac money can buy.

Look, working already. come on.


Gracias. Enjoy your honeymoon, huh. give her one for me.

Con su Permiso. Con su Permiso.

Dont even think about it. whoo!

Hey. Hey.

Brick said that was your favourite. they say it stirs your passion?

I just like the taste. Want some? Ah yeah sure.

God I've never stayed in a place this nice before. Yeah.

My Idea of a perfect Honeymoon is staying in a primitive village, dancing barefoot under the moonlight.

Somehow I dont see Brick going for that. I'm not gonna marry Brick.

I'm gonna to marry somebody I'm in love with.

You know actually uh!, I really like your jungle honeymoon idea.

Really? Yeah,well sort of my plan.

Was to shoot, National Geographic, explore the the world. I get the next best thing.

I take pictures of pets In stupid costumes.

Well once I get my citizenship, I gonna open up my own dance studio. Really. yeah I was lucky My parents paid for all my lessons. I'd like to see other kids have the same opportunity.

Well thats great, really cool.

To both of us finding happiness. yeah! Happiness.

Oh that's Good, stir my passion. Not you or your robe which I did'nt even notice. it's not flattering.

I cant believe I'm actually married. Me neither.

Okay, you know what you take the bed. I'll do the chair.

You sure? Yeah, yeah, it's all yours.

Where you going? I'm just gonna get some fresh air.

It's been a long day, almost died, a bunch.

Yeah, Okay! Dont wait up dear.

Ready for another? Yes definitely.

Al! got it, Thank's, Al.

Shall I charge this to your room? um, Yah, Yah, I'm over in bungalow No. 12.

Oh! the Honeymoon Suite. Where's your wife?

Ah! My wife is... she's sleeping.

It's a really long trip in, she's pretty fried.

If It was my honeymoon, I would'nt let my husband out of the Bungalow. ooh!

That's naughty. It seems to me You need to inject a little bit more romance into your marriage.

Yah. You have no idea.

What does she love?

She love's to Dance. yeah she's a dancer. And it sucks, because I'm a terrible dancer.

That's an easy fix, woh, woh, woh. Where are we going? Where are we going?

I'm gonna give you a dance lesson. I dont think that's a great idea.

You need to loosen up. Okay, Yeah I know. Show me your best dance move.

My best dance move? Yep.

Okay Stop. Your kidding right. Yeah!, of course, yeah.

I thought so. Okay so concentrate on the music.

And move these hips. Okay these hips are moving.

No their not.

Alright close your eyes, And imagine your with her.

Scent of her perfume.

The warmth of her skin.

Yeah. I can feel it.

I can feel it. I'm dancing. Yeah!

Not good.

Masha, come back dance and with me. Apparently you already have a partner.

No, no,no. She was just teaching me to dance, so I could impress you. Well you certainly did.

Hey, hey hey, you know what!

I'm not some playboy Okay. I mean, I know you hate womanizers Brian, Brian...

You do not know anything about me. I dont care what you do, As long as it does'nt effect my Citizenship.

But flaunting yourself with some waitress on the first day of our honeymoon is just plain stupid.

You're right. No you're right.

You're right. I'm Sorry.

You look amazing in this dress.

This relationship is about me getting my Citizenship.

And you pay your debt to my father, nothing more.

Brickland! Yes Boss. Not enough goat in stew.

Dont worry I'll have a word with the chef.

Have you heard from contact at resort? No they got hit by a storm all the phones are down.

I dont trust that photographer. I share your concerns, I'd like to go out there and keep an eye on him. If it's alright with you.


Hi. Hey.

I got you into trouble last night did'nt I. No, no you did'nt that was my fault.

Well I know how you can make it up to her. Thanks, I'm good. there's a secluded cove about a mile away from here. unbelievably romantic.

You two could even swim naked if you wanted to. You know what we'll probably stick with the pool. I dont think to wants to see...

Here, I drew you a map.

I guarantee it'll solve all your problems.

Hello, Mom. I'm lonely. Being couped up here It's about as much fun as a hemorrhoid. Maybe you should have thought about that before you slappled a police officer.

I was'nt speeding, he deserved it. hold on.

Hey Dingle plumbing. but I'm not Walt, the kitchen sink it smells like something crawled up there and died.

Yeah, it would't be the first time.

Why are you answering your phone anyway? You should be bonking your wife.

Ah mom, listen I told you that this was a business arrangement, she's not even attracted to me.

I was'nt attracted to your father but that did'nt stop me, wham, bham, call the diaper man.

Thats all I'm gonna say.

That's all you had to say. Mom!

Hey. Hey.

Can you put some sun screen on my back? Yeah, of course.

Look I'm sorry about last night. I over reacted. like you know it was me!

No no no, It was a stressful day for both of us. Let's just pretend like it never happened, okay.

Yeah, deal.

You know I know where there's a really nice lagoon. Okay!

Yeah they say It's beautiful. It's private. We can probably go skinny dipping We can just swim there... whatever you'd like whatever want.

How did you find out about this place?

Um, honestly the waitress drew me a map she.

She felt bad about what happened the other night and said that we should come here. It'll be great.

It's amazing. Yeah, hold that, hold that.

Wow, Beautiful. Beautiful alright...

Yeah, Mrs. Lighthouse. okay... oh Yeah.

Looking good.

Now give me one that says why am I not in sailor costume. a cat.

Yeah laugh, it's pretty much my work day. I dont want to say come in and people go crazy.

Except for your mother. She's not crazy. She's terrific, she's awesome.

And your dad, remember? "Gorko... ", "Gorko... "They're not terrific people.

Their criminals. But their my family.

You're not the only one with family problems.

Everyone thinks my dad ran away.

But my mum actually killed him. Oh, my God.

She buried him in the back yard. and actually i've seen two client's dogs...

Dig up my Dad. I think they smell the cologne thing I dont know what it was but.

They were sort of running around with my dads bones. in their mouth. like round the back yard, it was like a dogfight.

You are so pathetic, what are you talking about, I had to go in therapy for that. Come on!

Ran with his bones in their mouths...

It's so beautiful. Yeah it sure is.

Right hold on. Let me like take two, three... hundred, Just.

Right you know what.

Let's do this. Come on Mrs Lighthouse come in the water, Come on! Wooh!

Come on in.

Wooh Yeah, I see how it is.

What are you doing? Oh, It's on baby, It's on.

Oh Okay? Ow your in trouble Mrs Lighthouse!

Yeah! bullseye! hum very smart. Now what you gonna do?

Come on! Oh!

Wait a second. Did you hear that? ahaa, It's probably Brick coming. Hows the water naked man?

Throw me my trunks Masha! you want them you'll have to come and get them. I'm serious if somebody finds me here with you like this I'm in deep...

Come on you worry too much. It's probably an aminal do you want me to look. look throw me my trunks. Masha My trunks!

Masha. Masha!

Very funny, Masha. Where are you?


2 tokens' that'al be fun, have fun. Gift shop. It's Gucci.

I see your enjoying your honeymoon Mr Lighthouse. I am, um.

Have you seen my wife? Ah the bellman just let her in. oh great.

Okay very funny ditching me, like that.

You Tarzan, me Tonya. No, no,no. How did you even get here?

Frequent flier miles. Dont make me feel like I wasted them.

Okay, no, no, no, you have to leave here. Right after I trim your hedge.

- Hello? Brian honey it's your mother.

Hey, Mom. Stop.

Thank God. It sound like, your finally getting down to business.

Mom I cant really talk right now. Pace youself on the foreplay alright.

When your Hungry everything looks tasty. It's so tight.

That's all I'm gonna say. Can you hand me my snake?

Okay you know what Stop! I'm married. Okay, get that into your head.

It's Masha! it's Masha? Masha, Where are you?

We have your wife, we want 10 million US dollars by 6pm tomorrow.

If you call the Police or any Authorities, We will Kill her, We will text you the drop off.

I'm a photographer, I dont have that kind of money. then find someone who does, if you want her to live.

We should be okay now.

Who are you?

Where you taking me? Shut up.

I think Masha's been kidnapped. Well dont look at me.

Oooh looks like it went well, Somebody's kidnapped my wife. What!

Yeah they took her from the lagoon, where you sent us, What do you know about this? nothing. And who's she?

I'm his girlfriend. Who are you? You're not my girlfriend! okay Calm down! tell me what happened.

Hi mate? how you doing.

Your boy was in here last night dirty dancing with one of the waitresses. Stupid!

Gets worse. Today I saw him take your woman into the jungle.

Came back bare assed with a couple of banana leaves over his doncer.

This boy he's a real stud.

And that pretty much sums it up. I knew it, I knew the marriage was bogus.

Nobody in their right mind would ever dump me. want to call the Police, no, no, no, they said they'd kill her if I called anyone.

Oh the always say that, I'd go for it, I mean. What's the worst that could happen?

She can die Tonya! You know, I'm just trying to help! you dont have to yell.

Where are you supposed to come up with 10 million dollars? I do not know. The only person I can think of is my father in-law.

Problem solved, can we order some room service. cause I'm starving, Tonya! Shut up. Please.

If Masha's father finds out that I took her, to this secluded lagoon where she happened, to get kidnapped and I'm swimming naked...

He's gonna have me totured and dismembered! There's no way I can ask him for the Money.

Then you only have one option. Yeah and what's that.

You have to rescue her, What am I Batman? No! I take pictures of dogs dressed as fricking pirates for a living, I can't do that.

I know the island inside and out, so does my cousin. We could help you.

Oh You could help me, thanks, No you've helped me enough for one lifetime.

You wanna blame this whole thing on me? Maybe I should.

Fine I was just wanted to make your marriage better. It's obvious that you love her.

No he does'nt. you heard him, he's just helping her get her green card. look Nuka Hiva is'nt that big.

We can find her. Besides what other choice do you have?

Open the Door. Go, go, go.

What are we supposed to do?

Open the door!

Hey, Brick. What brings you here? Masha.

Dont get the wrong idea. I slept on the chair.

I should kill you right now. I promised...

Hurry up. Jump.

Where is he? I do not know. It hurts.

Jump! I'll catch you. Are you crazy?


Nice catch, cougar.

I just want to let you know, that Brian is mine. So dont get any idea's.

I just want to help him. Do you? Oh yeah, when you put it that way.

I need to find my cousin. What am I supposed to do?

Buy some provisions. you think you can handle that? I can out shop you any day sweetie.

One last chance Where is she?

She's at the pool, she's at the pool.

She'd better be.

Where's Masha? Tellme the truth, or I'll break you sweet little neck.

My cousin's here.

He and the waitress trying to rescue her. That is all I know.

There's my cousin.

We need to re-think this whole plan. We're wasting time. Ernesto can help us cover the whole Island.

Oh Ernesto? that's right My bird is all fixed up ready to go.

I'm 68 percent confident. oh 68 that's almost 70 great.

Some big guy just tried to kill me. Right by the Pool.

He was looking for Sasha, Nashaa. whatever her name is. What did you tell him?

Everything. I'm no fool. It's over, I'm dead.

Not your not. You Rescue her you save her father 10 million dollars. And you look like a hero.

Decide quickly we have an appointment, with that guys fist and elbow.

Okay, Okay we can go. Push it!

You just cant leave me here. Lets go.

Okay lets go.

Time to party.

Oh no!

He's shooting! What are you doing? Oh, God.

You'd better duck down, little lady.

I need your foot. what! your foot for what? for This.


alRight. You get to drive!

Now comes the unexpected the fun part. What's the fun part?

We're here. Alright.

Is that thing fixed? More fixed than broken.

You okay, little lady? What you did back there was amazing.

Ah, only just getting started.

I get air sick. I need to sit up front with him.


Here we go.

Oh, I think we should hurry.

We'll be long gone, by the time he gets here. Who's your pappi? Who's your pappi? come on! Um! Is there a problem?

Yes an No, mostly yes.

Come on pappi, come on baby. He's getting closer.

Come, cus. Come on cus, Ernesto.

Come on! Come on baby!



We rise into the air!

We made it! Yeah!

This my idea of a good time. Yes Tell me, carida, how are you involved in this adventure?

It's his girlfriend. But Brian's married now so, that's kinda up in the air...

I think I'm gonna be sick. Can I offer you a tequila? Sure

Um, Is this legal? we dont have all the equipments, like in my kitchen, But we try our best uh.

Dont worry about it, he's got a high tolerance.

We're fine. we're fine.

Bricks calling from Tahiti. He ​​said that it is important.

Da? Boss, Boss she's been kidnapped!

Who did this? I dont know, she was abducted when the photographer took her into the jungle to...

To what? Steal her virginity. The arrogant git strolled into the hotel naked.

And his bimbo girlfriends turned up too. do you think they are involved in kidnapping?

Yeah they must be. Mash...

What are you doing? come on, What do you want?

Get her in the shed!

Hurry up!

Aah! Take it off me! Take it off! Take it off me!

A little buggie, oh cute.

Oh okay. Take it off! It's poisonous, It's poisonous, Ah! away from the pitchers.

Do you think he saw us? what do I know, Your a fiesty one.

What do you want? Do you know who my father is?

We Sure do, sweetheart. Daddy's gonna pay a pretty price to get you...

Shut up..

Do you guys see anything yet? Nothing. Just a very only sexy scared young lady.

You need to eat something.

This is what you bought?

Sorry they were all out of Bitch illustrated. This is not food. What are we suppoed to eat?

I've got it covered. What does he mean he's got it covered?

Who's this guy Rambo?

You are so Primal.

You know we still have tomorrow.

There's a fishing village right around that point. We can hike there after we get a little bit of rest.

The locals might have seen something.

Why are you even helping me? cause it's the right thing to do.

And I owe you.

Who-ever You are you have no idea, what your getting yourselves into. Shut up! pathetic.

And your a spoilt little princess, who needs to be taught a lesson. Oh.

Hello! help somebody help me!

Be quiet!

I told you to leave her alone.

Now dont move!

Get up!

Two Americans were here a couple a days ago. in a four wheel drive.

They bought few days worth of provisions, and some heavy fishing line.

Obviously they went fishing. They did'nt have poles, and they drove into those mountains.

Well they sound really stupid.

The road Inland, passes an old compound, where some surfers used to shape boards Somehow we missed it during the fly-over. We could always fly back.

We should hike in if we want to surprise them. How long is that going to take?

At least two hours. Two hours! my God!

Shut up! you shut up! How do you know these guys are the kidnappers?

Or whether there even staying at this place? We dont, okay but do you have a better idea?

I dont mean reading cosmo's "10 best ways to treat a man Tonya. "

At least I dont tickle the dog balls. I did not tickle that dogs...

Are you going with us or not?

Fine. But I need to cool off. first Need to cool off first?

Makes a good point?

His words make sense.

Escuse me.

What are think our odds are honestly?

If you want to live. What else are you gonna do It's not about me not anymore.

Dah!, Did you call the police? No they said they'd kill her.

Look I know I should have to call sooner but Ah...

The truth is, that I think I really love your daughter. and right now that's all I care about.

I'm trying to find her, but um...

Right now the odds kinda suck. So if you dont hear from me by six 6 O'clock...

Wire the money. Account number is: 46564327...

Yeah! Did you find him? not yet but the choppers been spotted on the other side of the island.

Lighthouse called, asked me wire ransom, He's behind this as we thought.

And he'll pay with his life! She is only child.

If you dont find Masha by 6 O'clock...

I will wire money. Do what you Gotta do.

Chopper never come back so were good to go. She's fine, any problem your end?

Nothing I cant handle.

Um, I'd hate to interrupt your club Med vacation, but I think we should get going.

Do you if we try go save her life?

Ooh!, I think I sprained my ankle. Come on!

Guys we have to go! Your so insensitive.

You wont leave me will you? I'll catch up cousin.

You know, this is so typical of you! You selfish... sexist Imbicile!

Listen cousin, it was'nt my idea that when a man gets older he becomes more attractive.

And that it does'nt work that way. For woman.

Hey!, I need to get to the bathroom!

Take care of it, keep your hands off her.

Yeah, fine.

Where is she?

Hows your ankle by the way? My what, your ankle! you hurt your ankle.

Oh yeah! Oh, if I can find a way, I'm working my way, Oh! I see a foot.

Very nice. Oh ho ho ho!

I thought I knew everyone on this island. So did I.

You Okay.?

My cousin just needs some sense knocked into him.

Where is your boyfriend? Nod, if he's here in the village.

Where did he go?

In the mountains?

Okay! I'm gonna take my hand away, You scream I'm gonna kill you.

Hold still! Hold still, come on.

Come on we've gotta get her back!

Who is this? Brian it's me i got away.

Masha, Masha Where are you? I'm trying to find you. There's sheds with a lot of junk and surfboards, I ran up the main Road.


There coming, I gotta call you back.

What happened? I dont remember.


The blood has returned to the head on top. We've got to save that guys wife!

Yeah? Where is she?

She got away. She got away!, What kinda idiots have I hired?

Get her back. Now!

Thanks a lot, Brian. That big foreign creep smashed my face.

How am I supposed to get modelling work now? You've ruined my life.

Masha! Masha, Masha.

We gotta go! We gotta go, Look out!

Go,go, go, go!

Jump! Jump! Jump..


Have you found them yet?

Their in the valley.

Look! Maybe we can use that.

Lets hope it still works.

Oh my God! Go, go, go,go...

Paddle! paddle, paddle.

Go, go, go!

Get down! paddle, paddle, paddle...

Got your phone!

Try your phone!

Da!, Dadda it's Masha. Masha you Okay?

She escape. Masha.

Who is behind this? who kidnapped you?

It was...

GO, go, go!, I dropped the phone!

Hello, hello Masha?

No more mistakes!

My dad took me on a canoe trip once. there's slightly less shooting involved.

What really happened to your father?

He was in Artico...

And got attacked by!

Penguins. They are not as cute as everybody thinks.

You know how hard it was for me to put on a tuxedo, at our wedding.

The second I looked into the mirror, all I could think about was him fighting them off.

You... Okay!, Okay!, He's alive!

But he left us a long time ago. I do not know him.

But my mother is crazy. she's under house arrest, and Oh! Wait a minute.

What? Do you hear that?

What are they saying?

I dont know, I think they want us to paddle over.

I can't believe a place like this still exists.

Do you have any idea what he's saying? Not really. But he seems friendly. Maybe he can help us.

Um! bad guys, need help. Do you have a phone?

Yeah! Do you have a phone, Like an iPhone or Blackberry? Like uh!

May I?

You look amazing. You clean up well yourself.

Dancing under the moonlight in a jungle village. It's pretty much your ideal honeymoon?

Is it yours?

Will you marry me?

Sorry, but, I'm already married.

It was third one I was most proud of. I did'nt cry that time.

Let's go.

Isn't this amazing? Yeah.

If only we would have some jungle cappuccino.

Oh no, no, I was kidding. No Coffee...

So, good!

You two got to get the hell outta here! hum, wait a second, you speak English? I used to work in Wall Street long story.

Grab the leaf, got it alright get on!

Alright! go, go, go!

Move away from her! No, no,no, he's gonna kill you!

Move, If you want her to live! Okay, Okay!

You okay Masha? Dont try to say you save me, you hired him.

What? I would never.

I thought you loved me. I do.

Then at least show some respect and be honest.

Did they treat you well?

Why would you do this? Because I'm ambitious.

Like your father. I thought that's what women like in a man? So you use his own daughter to steal from him?

I did it for us, there is no us. We're getting married Masha, it's all been decided!

I would'ny marry you, if you were the last man on this planet.

You're sick, Violent and Dillusional. I've never loved you. and I never will, Okay!

I dont think, honestys the best policy right now.

What about this then?

Your new husband he's the kidnapper not me? and I shot him But not before I could stop him, throwing you over the edge of the cliff.

A tragic ending!

There they are!

The honeymoon is officially over!


My God!

Oh! Brian!

Senor, let me. Senorita, porfavor.

There he is, Get him!

Let him go, he did not do anything ! Let go of me! You!

I'm Okay, Mom, I'm okay. Dadda Stop this! He did'nt do anything!

You saved my daughter. You save me $10 million US Dollars.

You exposed Brickland as traitor.

That sound like a good reason to shoot you in the head! I dont think so. Hah,Hah hah, hah...

My wife say you have our blessing to stay married.

Here! wedding gift!

Take! 9 mm semi-automatic.

Low recoil, double-action.

Welcome to family! Hah, hah, hah, hah!


Masha, I love you so much.

But I can not be married into this family.

No, let him go.

Come on darling lap it up? Hey um get it.

What! Mom? Just because i'm under house arrest. You does'nt mean you have to be.

Oh! Come on, Mom. you really need to get out. Please just dont start.

How are you feeling? Never better. Your miserable Pull your head out of your rear end and do something about this. It's not that complicated.

That's all I'm gonna say.

You up for a double dip?

Something wrong? It compli...

No. It's not.

Still need your green card? What about my family?

Wait till you meet my own.

I love you. I love you.

Do you like that? do you like this Have you done this one before?

Talk to me. What kind of photographer are you? It's professional camera. I buy camera for.

It's flash. touch button? See fully professional.