Your Friends & Neighbors (1998) Script

[ Man Panting ] You want me to yell shit out... or turn you over, act like a couple guys are pinning you down?

Huh? Just tell me.

[ Moaning ] Is it me?

I mean-- 'Cause I think you're a great lay.

No, I mean that.

I feel... special... coming inside you.

I'm serious. [ Moans ]

I'm always gonna think of you as a very special fuck.

I only hope that I can-- [ Grunts ]

[ Panting Heavily ]

[ Tape Rewinding ]

Should I be more tender now? Yeah?

Add some sweetness?

Yeah, I'd believe that.

[ Clicks ]

I mean, if I was a chick, I'd believe it.

All right.

One more time before she gets here. [ Exhales ]

Come on. Let's pick up the pace.

Gad, though you laugh now, 'twill be my turn ere long!

O women!

More impertinent, more cunning... and more mischievous than their monkeys, and to me almost as ugly.

[ Laughing ]

She has been throwing me about and rifling all I have.

But I'll get into her... the back way, and so rifle her for it!

Oh! [ Students Laughing ]



[ Sighs ]

All right.

Now, I know your classmate and I have turned this into... a provocative little scene.

I know that.

But that's always the challenge, even with a period piece.

I mean, what are we lookin' at here? Huh?

Lace and language aside, in the end... it's just men and women.


Just like any other story-- likeeverystory.

And, ultimately, what do these characters want?



I know.

It's embarrassing for you to say, but let's be honest.

[ Students Giggling ] They want to... fuck!


It's always about fucking.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. That's it! That's it!

[ Grunts ] That's the one.

[ Groans ] Oh, yeah, I'm with you.

Baby! That's right. Absolutely.

[ Groaning ]

Can you feel it?

You and I are in-- in complete--

[ Grunts ] harmony... here.

[ Grunting ]


Is there any chance you're gonna shut the fuck up?

What? You're talkin' right in my ear.

I'm losing any sense of concentration that I might've... had.

Well, I'm just-- It's kinda hard to stop in the--

Well, keep it to yourself. I mean, "Can you feel it?"

Your thing is nearly in the back of my throat! You think I'm gonna miss that?

Let's just do it. Okay? I don't need the narration. Let's go.

Jesus! What is this?

I'm sorry, but this is not a travelogue. You know?

Jesus Christ. It's so fucking--


It's how I feel.

Great. That's just great.

Why do we always have to go through this shit?

I've always been that way.

Yeah, I know, and it's so fucking enjoyable for me. You know?

I mean, I so much as start to breathe, and you stop. What is that?

It's me. Yeah, well, it's fucked.

Okay. You wanna watch TV?

No, I don't wanna watch-- Why is it that your cunt is like--

And I don't like to use that word, but--

Goddamn it, it's like your vagina is seemingly tied directly to my mouth!

Why is that? Huh?

I so much as crack open my lips for a breath and you're squeezing me off.

What is that? Huh?

It's like our two organs are on some fucking pull cord here and I'm-- I'm-- I'm--

You know what? I'm sick of it!

I'll talk as much as I like. Good.

I hope she enjoys it, 'cause you won't be fucking me.

Oh, fine. That's beautiful. That's lovely.

Could I have my keys, please?

Hey! [ Hands Clapping ]

[ Chuckles ] Where you going?

I don't know. Out. I feel like talking. I just wanna chat. Okay?

Come on. Give me the--

Look, we can talk. I just don't want something up my ass while we're doing it.

Go fuck yourself.

Don't give me any ideas.

[ Door Unlocks, Opens ]

Hey! What?

Bring me some ice cream if you go by a store. Okay?

[ Door Slams ]

So you wanna know-- what, the best lay that I've ever had?


[ Chuckling ]

That's easy. It's me.

Nobody gives me more pleasure than I give myself.

I mean that.

I mean, not that my wife's terrible or anything.

She's-- She's not. She's wonderful, but--

God, she's just not me.

You know?

And I like doing it with her. I do.

But I'll tell you, the real fireworks take place when she heads to the shower.

You know what I mean?

You probably think I'm kidding, but...

I've lived with this hell all my life.

I'm telling you, nobody makes me come the way I do.

[ Grunts ]

A little-- Get over a little bit more.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Come on.

Come on. [ Groaning ]

I'm sorry. I just--

I mean--

Oh, God.

Is it me? I-- I need to--

I just got a bad go of it from here, that's all.

Your legs don't open as cleanly from--

I mean, is this something you really like?

This sidesaddle thing?


You feel it's me, don't you?

I can--

Hey, honey, I'll bet Adam and Eve, you know, from the Old Testament, they probably never did it on their side.

I mean, till they were out of the garden, like after they were thrown out.

Or bored. [ Chuckles ]

Or something.

'Cause it's just not a natural.

It's me, isn't it?

Of course it is, or you'd be talking.

We could just start again.


'Cause I'm still quite hard.


Yeah, it's completely firmed up... down there.

Seriously, we could just--

Shh. Shh. Please. Please be quiet.

[ Sighs ]

I mean, could you guys be any happier?

No. I mean it.

Look at this.

No, no. Are you kidding? No.

This is-- I mean, this-- This place is--

This is heaven. Really, it is. It's a dream house.

This is the one, huh? Absolutely. No question.

I could see us here 20 years, easy. [ Woman ] Wow.

Yeah, I would love a spot like this.

Really? Mmm.

[ Man ] Hmm. Wow. Interesting.

Ooh. For the lady of the house.

No-- [ Sighs ] I thought we decided not to--

It's nothing. It's okay.

Is it your birthday? Am I missing-- No.

He just... likes to spoil me.

Well, good man.


Oh! Honey.

A watch? No, you're not supposed to do that.

Oh! It's an antique too.

Oh, it's beautiful. Really?

Hmm. Hmm.

It's broken. No, it's--

That's okay, because it's still very--

It's a bracelet. You see?

I mean, yes, it's stopped and all, but it's meant to.

It's just for show. You wear it as jewelry.

You know? Haven't you ever seen that?

That's so sweet. Yeah. I've seen that.

You just-- You just wear it. You have?

How would you know? What do you mean?

Nothin'. It's just a token, really.

No, what? I mean, if you saw it before, how would you know that?

I mean, maybe the person's watch had just stopped. Huh?

So, uh, what's your point?

Look, I'm not trying to be, you know--

Just 'cause it's not working--

I mean, their motive behind having it on that day or whenever--

How could you possibly, just in passing, know that? That's all I'm saying.

Forget it.

They're quite big in Europe.

You'd know. Anyhow, it's beautiful.

Of course you'd know.

I'm sorry I didn't get you anything. Oh, no problem.

I'm-- Look, I'm just-- I was just--

Forget it, all right?

Why would you wear around a watch that doesn't work?

I mean, unless you meant to, like this one. I mean, why would you do that?

Let's just forget-- I just was trying to, you know--

I do not get you.

Always with the goddamn semiotics.

I mean, it's a gift.

It's not fuckingMedea.

Can it please just be what it is? It's a bracelet.



Is that gold?


Plate, I think.


We really don't do this enough, do we? No, we don't.


Do you guys want some more wine to go with--


I opened that other bottle in the kitchen.

Okay. I guess I'll get it.

Hey, whoa. W-Watch it! Oh, I'm sorry.

Jesus. This is doeskin. Remember?

Um, yeah. I bought it for you. Remember?

[ Snickers ] What?


Geez, this stuff stains. Really. You know?

Yeah, but don't-- don't rub it in like that.

You kind of blot it.

Mm-hmm. That's a little better.



[ Sighs ]

This place really is great though.

[ Both Chuckle ]


I-I can't believe that was May--

Yeah! Yeah. that we, you know--

We really loved seeing you in that play.

Oh. That was--

Thank you. Right.

[ Chuckles ]

I don't know how you guys do that, getting in front of all those people and--

Shakespeare... is a gift, really.



[ Man, Woman Conversing, Faint ]

So, how are things?



Oh, you know, we're-- we're fine.

Mm-hmm. Great.

Us too. We're--

[ Man, Woman Laughing, Faint ]

Listen, I need to ask you something.


Can I call you?

Could we get together sometime?

Wha-- I mean, y-you want--

[ Conversing Continues, Indistinct ] Whenever.

I mean-- I mean--

[ Man ] Get those. Get those. Should I get the--

This? These? The big ones? Yeah.

Get the big ones for, uh--

For the mousse.

Uh, so, what should I do with these?

You want me to just put some garnishes on? Yeah, put 'em in here.

Can I just get in touch with you? Is that--

Why? Y--

You want to talk? Or--


[ Whispering ] I'd like to get together with you.

[ Chuckles ]


For-- I mean, we could talk.

I mean, talking would actually be nice also.

I-I just, um--

[ Both Laughing ]

Th-This is--

I know. I mean--

If I have to wait another year to see you... and chat over cherry-- What?

Mousse? Mousse.

I just don't--

You tell me. I know I'm taking a chance here, but--

[ Woman Laughing ]

Sorry we took so long.

Yeah. We just got to talking and we couldn't shut up. No problem.

Wow! Wine?

Look at this. This is like-- You made this?

You-- Oh--

You're not gonna believe what this woman can do with a cherry.

Thank you. Thank you. What a great day.

Yeah. It was fun.

[ Both Chuckling ]

Let me walk you to the corner. You know what?

I'm gonna hit the bathroom before I go.

You remember where it is, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, don't splash. Remember? It's doeskin.

Right. Thank you.

Okay, go ahead. I'll see you guys out there.

[ Laughing ]

[ Door Closes ]

May 10.

That's the last time I saw you. On the pier. I remember it exactly.

I remember the date, the time--

You remember the-- You were wearing a red skirt.

Yeah. A-And a white--

Blouse. And you were just such a knockout.

I'm just so--

Why are you doing this?

Because I'm-- I'm just--

Tell me that you've thought about me.

Because I can't stop thinking about you.

I wanna hold you.

I've thought about you.

Call me tomorrow. Okay.

[ Woman ] Hey, are you ready, or-- Hey.

Just coming.

I borrowed a book. Camus. Oh. Great.

Perfect. It'll really set off the rest.

[ Chuckles ] [ Chuckles ]

Do you have bookshelves in your bathroom? I'm lucky enough to.

Ha, ha, ha.

God, you know, it was great to see you guys again.

We should do something. Just, you know, you and me.

We always say that, but--

That'd be great. Um-- Later this week?

Really? Lunch maybe?

Great. We should get together more often than this.

Right. I can't believe it was May the last time.

God, that's unbelievable.


See ya. Bye. Bye.

Three-minute cool-down.

It's actually a shitty place to run.


I mean, it's a nice old gym.

It's quiet, but there's no girls around.

That's why we can't get him here during the week.

I left a message. Fuck.

He's busy. Right.

Papers to grade.

What a life. True.

Anyway, he is the smart one.

It's humid today. No shit.

Fucking boiling, even with that AC on.

You sweat your dick off, have a heart attack. Whew!

Do you wanna meet later, go downtown?

Why? We just ran.

No, I'm saying, I got that corporate membership.

So? Well, I could get you in.

Hey, I don't need anybody to get me in.

Especially with those office assholes downtown at lunchtime.

No offense.

Hate that.

Hold on a second. [ Exhales ]

That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying there's a lot of women there, that's all.


What, are you expecting me to change my routine for those people?

Fat chance.

Ladies want to see us, they'll quit their designer workout bullshit... and they'll drag their fat cans over here and run.


'Cause even though I personally think this is a fucked place to exercise, I do it... to spite 'em.

Who? Everybody.


How are you? Fine. Thanks.


Do you know, is this part of a collection, or is it--

No, it's just a single piece. Mmm.

Nice, isn't it? Very.

First time here? Mm-hmm.

You? No, I work here.

Work? Really? Are you an artist?

No. Artist's assistant. Oh.

You mean a secretary, right?

[ Laughs ] Yeah.

That's exactly what I mean. You?

Writer. Oh. That's good.

Anything I might've-- Not unless you read the sides of your tampon box.

Well, what brand? I like to keep up. [ Chuckles ]

Advertising, right? Yeah.

That's great.

Especially if you're a tampon. [ Snickers ]

No. It--

It's nice to be good at anything.

Well, who said I was good?

I'm guessing.


This really is a lovely piece.

Yeah, it is.

Can I buy you lunch?

Yes-- Honey.

Should I go for the--

What's this called? Loden? Or the--

Uh-- Uh, yeah-- Uh, no, no.

The salmon, I think.

[ Lowered Voice ] Uh, yeah, he's-- he's right here.

No, I-I-- I mean in the house.


N-- [ Toilet Flushes ]

No, I don't want to put him on. No--

[ Whispers ] Please, stop.

I-- I have to go. He's coming. Yeah.

O-Okay. Yeah.

Yeah, it's good talking to you too. All right. Bye-bye.

[ Beeps ]

Who was that? Your best friend.

What? I just talked to him 20 minutes ago. He didn't want to talk to me?


Well, I told him I'll be there.

He knows I'll be there.

I'm the one who invited him.

[ Growling Softly ]

What is that? Pink?

This? No, it's salmon.

You might think about putting that jacket back on. Why?

Where'd you get it? My wife gave it to me.

Hmm. Enough said.

[ Chuckles ]

You know, it's past 11:00.

The fuck is everybody? [ Mutters ] I don't know.

Anyway, so how'd this thing turn out?

She say she made a mistake or--

Huh? Oh.

No, that--

Nah, I fucked her.

Complete revenge fuck, which are always the best.

Really? You-- I mean--

I don't kid about shit like that.

See, she had questioned a decision I made at work, so, you know, I had to.


Anyway, I wine her a little, you know, I dine her a touch, get her back to my place.

So, we're in bed--

[ Chattering ]

I know. I know. Just seemed like a good time to call back.

Iwantedto call back.

No, he's all the way on the other side of the room.

[ Door Opens ] [ Car Horn Honking ]

[ Chattering ] Yeah, that'd be fine.

Yes, I'll be there.

It's my idea. Of course I'll be there.

What do you have on?

No. I don't-- I don't mean music. I mean, what are you wearing?

I slip my cock out, right?

I mean, completely jerk it right out.

And I turn her back over, kinda rough, by her hair. You know?

I tell her to get the fuck out of my place.

And if she ever does that to a guy again-- crosses one of us like that in public-- that I'll fuckin' kill her.

[ Laughs ]

And I think she believed me.


You're not making this up? Fuck no.

This happened. You know?

I'm not one to be messed with.

I don't give a shit about anybody. This is my life.

Oh. Shit. Do you want me to-- No.

Anyway, I got a letter in the mail.

This was a couple weeks ago.

Full apology.

She even had one put in my personnel file.


It's no big thing.

But it was enough to let me know that I was justified in what I did.

Oh, man. [ Chuckles ]

So what do you guys want to do tonight? Has he told you this story?

No, but I'm sure it's great though.

Yeah? How would you know that? It's incredible.

You'd have taken the same steps.

Common decency dictated the whole thing.

[ Chuckles ]

Oh, who cares? It's a sickness anyway.

What is?

All of it.

Relationships. Caring.

Love's a disease.

You know, it really is.

Yeah, but it's curable.


Who said that again? I don't remember her name.


It's true, though, isn't it?

Oh, yeah.

[ Chuckles ]

I'm glad you called.

I'm glad you were home.

[ Chuckles ]

I have no idea what happened.

I mean, something happened.

Obviously, somethinghappened, and I don't know what it was.

But she just turned on me. Come on.

She says I talk.


I'm a talker.

I'm accused of speaking.

Well, fuck me. You know?

I mean, we're screwing, for Christ's sake.

Screwing, you know. Like "screwing around."

There's supposed to be a certain degree of improvisation.

Isn't there? Jesus.

So now I don't-- I don't speak.

I-- I hold my breath, make love like we're in a nursing home.

You know what?

She laughs in my face. Oh, man.

I don't know what--

You're staying together, right?

Oh, I don't know. I suppose.

I mean, we split the rent.

We bought a TV... and this huge fucking bed.

I mean, it's-- We have investments in this.

And I still have feeling there, so--


Hey, listen, thanks for the ear. Oh, yeah.

You guys just go. Have a good time.

I really appreciate that tip. It sounds like a great place.

Yeah, it's nice. Kinda romantic.


Hey, say hi to the wife for me, would ya? Sure.

Why would I even categorize something as the best, well, you know, that I've had?

That-That's just absurd.


Okay. [ Laughs ]

I just-- I do not store up little sexual tidbits on--

No. Not at all.


Come on.

Even though I probably should.

Make a good freelance piece.

But I don't--

I mean, not that there-- [ Laughs ]

Not that there hasn't been a good one.

Or two.

Or that I haven't had a best... fuck--

God, I hate that word--

Anyway-- Or anything like that. 'Cause I have.

I'm sure I have. I just have to reach back.

That's all.

Call it up.



How are you? Fine, thanks.


Do you know, is this part of a collection, or is it, um--

No, it's just a single piece.

Nice, isn't it? Very.

First time here? Uh-huh.

You? No, I work here.

Work? Really?

You're an artist. No.

Artist's assistant.

That's terrific.

Listen, I'm going to be open with you.

I spotted you outside.

You're really great-looking.

Maybe we could get a drink or something.

What time you off?

I bet you're tremendous in bed.

Is she kidding?

Artist's assistant?

I just think we have to keep trying. You know?

I know it's me and all, but we gotta keep at it. Honey--

You know that we are gonna open some floodgates here.

I hear what you're saying, but how about later? Okay?

I just think we need to do it... more often, not make it so special.

I mean, it'll be special when it happens. Don't misunderstand me.

Honey, is this really the best place for this, do you think?

Do we need vitamin C? Uh, no. We have enough.

Wanna get some tissue?

I just think for right now we need to treat each other like... meat.

Right? Didn't we read that?

You need to see me as a-- a big-- a penis.

And you need to be just this huge vagina to me.

It was your book.

Fine. What time you gotta go to that meeting?



I-I wasn't sure--

Uh, you know, changing the time and all.

No, no, I'm glad you called.

Yeah, I thought I'd pick somewhere a little more, uh, out of the way, you know.

Yeah, yeah. Well, this was a good choice.

You look great.

Well, thanks.

I wore the burgundy that--

That's the skirt.

Was this okay, to meet a little bit earlier?

Yeah, absolutely. I just canceled a seminar. It's no big thing.

God, you just look so--


I mean, uh, it's, um--

It's nice that you would do that for me.

So, um--

How's, uh--

Oh, don't ask about him.

I mean, if you were going to.

That's just the one thing I don't want to-- Sorry.

It's just he's my friend, that's all. No, I know.

And I had lunch this week with--


It doesn't mean I want to conjure them up right now.

Yeah, you're right. It's--


Could you just... please... hold me?


[ Both Laugh ]

It's really too bad, you know? What?

I mean, I wish he'd join us.

I tried his office. No answer.

Yeah, why not? He only teaches a couple blocks over.

I hardly see him anymore. I mean, not like I used to.

We get together once in a while. He still calls sometimes.

Yeah, he calls, but I don't see him that much. Me either.

That bitch probably doesn't give him half our messages.

Anyhow, I think he's seeing somebody.



You mean, other than his-- I guess.

I mean, he's vague. You know how he is. Oh, yeah.

The guy's nothing if not vague.

But... he said somethin'.

When was this?

He alluded to it. Really?

It was just a reference, but I caught it.


The guy thinks he's fuckin' Byron. I've always said that.

[ Laughing ] Yes, you have.

That's great. I never really liked--

I mean, she's nice enough, but-- Me neither.

Time I met her--

There's something--

Just a touch unfeminine?

Is that it?

Yeah. I caught it. I don't know. Something.

That's great. It'll get him out of his rut. Yeah.

Maybe he'll join us. If she's young, he'll have to.

Hey, even if she's not, fuckin' intrigue makes that heart pound.

[ Laughing ]

Yes, it does-- [ Groaning ]

What's your ideal--

[ Laughs ] What? My ideal fuck?

Y-Y-Yeah. Could we use another name, please?

What other name? Is there another name?


Do you mind if I record this? It's just, um-- It's very--

This place is okay.

Yeah. My boyfriend told me about it.

I still like it.

Okay, go ahead.

Testing, testing. [ Chuckles ]

I just know that when I'm making love to someone, uh, hey, that's what I'm there for, no matter what else is going on with us.

Right, but, um, what about with--

Are you kidding? You guys have been together for--

Especially him.

You know, college professors, you gotta get a critical evaluation on everything.

I'm sure he rates me on the bell curve.

[ Laughing ]

See, for me, when I'm with a person, I figure at that moment I'm doing it because I want to be doing it.

I don't really want to chat. You know?

And personally, I could give a shit how they like the sound of my name.


Any talking at all, seriously, just kills it for me.

Maybe it's just me, but... fucking is fucking.

It's not a time for sharing. I don't care what anybody says.

Yeah, I feel the same way.


See? I didn't make a peep. Wasn't that great?

I'm really glad I rushed home from rehearsal.

You know, the next time you get an urge... and I bust my ass getting back here, getting a cab, do you think you could possibly add a little movement?

You know? Just-- Just to get the full Claymation feel?

Hey, what's the matter with you lately?

I mean, I do everything that you ask, and you're still not satisfied.

I know.

Just put it on the Visa. Okay? Thanks.

[ Chuckles ]

I feel optimistic. Don't you?


Why couldn't this work? Right? I mean, if we--

Well, yeah, it might. But, you know, let's not talk about it.

Okay. I just keep going over it all in my head, and I--

You know what? Hang on one second. All right?

Hey, could you do me a favor?

Could you put it on, um--

Could you put it on this one instead? Mm-hmm.

Thanks. Okay.

You know, I just thought with the, um-- You know, I could--

I just put it on the school card. Yeah. I know, I know.

[ Laughs ] I-- I really--

I do feel optimistic.

Well, I'm glad.

You know what? You're married to him. Okay. Fine.

He got there first. I understand that. Totally. Okay?

But so what? Right? I mean, what is-- That's nothing. Right?

I mean, it's like-- it's like, uh-- um--

I-It's not destiny. It's not law, is it?

It's like-- I mean, it's just chance, really.

It's not a big deal.

I see you here with me--

I don't know. I feel--

It feels like fate.

I just feel very, very--

Optimistic. Optimistic.

Yeah. I think he needs you to-- Okay.


We don't have to do this now if you don't want to.

Oh, no, no, no. I-I-- I want to.

I think. Right?

Uh-- I mean--

Let's just not go over it so much.

Just kind of makes me feel--

Right. Okay.

Thank you.

[ Indistinct ]

[ Both Laughing ]

It's just-- It's never been like this. You know? Never.

And I know that sounds like I'm covering or--

'Cause this is like-- [ Sighs ]


But this is not me.

I'm much more... hard or firm than this.

I-- I mean, I just hope we're not blaming here, because...

I have never had this--

Hey, do you mind looking up?

I mean, could you just tell me--

Do you feel that it was me? Huh?

Do you mind? This is really kind of important here.

I mean-- I just-- I just-- You know, 'cause things were--

Everything was going very well downstairs in the lobby.

I mean, I felt really--

I mean, is it my imagination?

I think we both got a little--

Is it-- Is it me?


All right. You know what? Forget it. Just--

It's not a big deal. Right?

I mean-- I mean, in essence, we're really without sin here.

I mean, it's kind of like-- like we're Adam and Eve in the garden... or some kind of thing.

We haven't really made a mistake yet, so--


Look, we'll still be... good friends and--

Please don't.

All right. I just-- I mean, you know--

I mean, we could maybe still--


Come on.

Just-- Just-- Just go away.


All right. All right.

Look. Maybe we could--

Please don't say any more.

[ Door Opens ]

[ Door Closes ]

[ On Headphones ] Should I be more tender now? Yeah?

Add some sweetness?

[ Moaning ] It's me--

I feel... special... coming inside you.

I'm serious. [ Groaning ] Serious.

I feel special.

I'm always gonna think of you as a very special fuck. I only hope that I can--


How are you? Fine, thanks.


Do you know, is this part of a collection, or is it, um--

No, it's just a single piece.

Nice, isn't it? Very.

Your first time here?


You? No. I work here.

Work? Really?

You're an artist?

No. The artist's assistant.

Oh, that's terrific.

Hey, y-you don't have a gift shop, do you?

I wanna buy my wife a little--

We're going away for the--

No. I'm sorry. Okay.

Listen, is it me, or is this whole thing sort of-- kinda outta whack?

[ Scoffs ]

No, I think it's you.

[ Clears Throat ]

Really? Because i-it seems--

No. Yeah, I'm sure of it. It's you.

How did you find this hotel?

Oh, I, uh, asked around. One of the guys.


[ Whispering ] Maybe we should... try again.

No, I--

I-I really don't want to right now.

I'm hard though. Okay?


If we could just relax, I'm sure we--

You're whispering again. [ Aloud ] I'm sorry.

It's oka-- If it's me--

I don't want to push this.

[ Sighs ]

Yeah. I-- I know.

[ Chuckles ] I know. Yeah.

Harvard Med? Hmm.

Yeah. That's great.

Top of the class too?


AIDS research.


Well, hey-- Wait a minute. Wait--

What the fuck's her name?

I mean, tits like that have a name, correct?

All right. Yeah. Well, you get right back to me.


[ Woman On Tape ] Maybe it's just me, but fucking is fucking.

It's not a time for sharing. I don't care what anybody says.

[ Woman #2 ] Yeah, I feel the same way.

Editorial note to delete the word "fucking"... before submitting story idea.

[ Clicks, Whirring ]

Now, you're saying what?

I'm asking for the best you ever had.

Can you name her?

The best? Yep.

I mean, why do you wanna know that?

It's interesting. No big deal.

Come on. We're friends. Be honest.

Well, what's your best then?

Hey, I asked the question. Hey, fuck you too.

If we're gonna be revealing, let's at least be fair about this stuff.

Okay. Uh-- Mine would be my wife.

Bullshit. Nobody'd pick their wife.

[ Chuckles ] Except maybe on a talk show.

Yeah, well, that's my answer. And she's very good anyway, so up yours.


Okay, it'd be, uh--

The fucking best, huh? Yep.

Why do I always go first with shit like this?

What? I just went. Go ahead.

Hey, feel free to take a turn if you're so interested.

I just wanna hear yours. You amuse me.

Listen to this cock. All of a sudden he's got big balls hanging out with us.

What does that mean? Figure it out.

We're just wondering anyhow.

Yeah, but--

Okay. Fine.

You wanna hear it?


Senior year. Gym class.

What, did you guys have a coed gym or something?

No. His name was Timmy Carter.


Isn't that a boy's name?

He was a guy from my high school PE class.

My best fuck.

What? It's the truth.

It was almost spring vacation, late March.

And we'd had about all the shit we could take from little Timmy.

He'd turned four of us in during an English exam earlier in the week, so--

Coach is down in the lounge for a smoke.

We grab his ass, drag him into the showers.

Held him down, tore off his clothes... and we each took a turn.

I mean, we actually did this guy.

Up the butt.

[ Laughs ]

I mean, we were some crazy fuckers at that age.

I was the last one.

So I don't know if he'd given over by this time or what.


Goddamn, it was...


I mean, how can I explain this?

It's... never been like that with a woman.

As many as I fuck, never.

Not even close.

He's face down, and my friends are holding him, spread out.

But Timmy and I are making love like we're on some beach in the Mediterranean.

I kid you not.


It was amazing.

I feel him taking my rhythm.

He's clenching me off when I get too deep.

Shit, he did everything right.

And I know he came when I did.

I mean, I didn't check or anything, but... I could tell.

I mean, I shouldn't even be telling you guys, but--

Fuck, I've never known anything like it.


Like I said, there wasn't too much of the school year left, and Timmy dropped out, I guess.

I mean, he finished from home.

But goddamn him, he never turned us in.

He never said a word about it to anyone,

and I admired him for that.

But I think the reason he kept silent-- and I feel I'm right about this-- is that he felt something special had happened as well.

Him and me.

I mean, those other guys, they just fucked him to teach him a lesson, but we--

I know something special happened.


Are you making this up?

Fuck no.

This happened. I told you before. This is my life.

Yeah, but--

Has he told you this story?

No. It's great though, isn't it?

It's incredible.

You'd have taken the same steps.

Common decency dictated the whole thing.

I just didn't expect to find somebody... who, you know, understood me, is all.

Anyhow, that's mine. Big deal.

Least I got one.

By the way, you guys are crazy if you think you're getting out of here without a little reciprocal.

'Cause I'm tired of the sycophantic bullshit thing we got going here.

So let's hear something.

And I don't care who.

I told you mine already.

Fine. Bullshit, but fine.

How 'bout you?

I think you can go ahead and climb out on a limb after what I just coughed up.

No, I don't want to.

What? I'm not in the mood. I'm late.

Well, fuck that and get in the mood. You were 10 minutes ago.

Right. It's your turn. Come on.

Your favorite research assistant?

Fess up.

Seriously, I got to get to rehearsal.

Go ahead. I thought you said he was seeing somebody.


Come on. Who is it this semester?

Knock it off.

Freshman or sophomore?

Wh-- What are you doing? What?

See, this is why I hate when the three of us get together.

It just-- What?

When we get together with this guy, it's like someone slipped you an asshole pill.

Well, we just want the truth. I thought that was the whole idea, right?

I'm serious. What is up with you?

Nothing. I just don't wanna get into this.

Look, you're not gonna shock us, okay? I mean, not after what we just--

So go on. Yeah. Amuse us.

And I know it's not that snatch you live with, so don't even start in on that one.

Exactly. Look, you can talk. It's not like you're in bed.

[ Chuckles ]

What? Nothing.

You were the one who was complaining about it.

What'd you call her the other day when we were--

You know what?

I believe it had to do with the feminine issue.

Fuck off. All right? The fucking truth.

Come on. We're friends. Be honest.

Okay. The best fuck I ever had. That would be your wife.

That was the best fuck I ever had.

That beats my story.



You're home early. Yeah.

Y-You guys have fun?

Yeah, it was good.

Smoking again.

Oh, you know, it's just the one.

If you're, uh-- If you're hungry, there's--

No, I'm fine.

[ Clears Throat ]

You okay? Yeah.


"Hold me."

Is this your work phone?

Oh, your little office there. Yeah, right. I remember.

Great. I-I-I just had it written down here with something else.

Right. Maybe you gave it over lunch.

I-- I don't remember.

Anyway, you're good?

How's-- Terrific.

Listen, like I said, I kind of just called by accident.

But, uh, you wanna get salads or something?

[ Phone Ringing ]

[ Ringing Continues ]

[ Ringing Continues ]

[ Line Ringing ]

Answer. Answer.

[ Ringing Continues ] Answer. Shit.

[ Beeping ]

You're a tramp. You aware of that?

A prick-fucking-teaser! And I don't mind saying it to your face!

You come out of there, I'd say it right in your fucking face!

Oh, God.

You lied to me, right to my own fucking person!

I'm serious.

You are not a nice woman.

I mean, who in thefuck... just gets their period all of a sudden?

It just doesn't happen!

And it's happened all over my bedding!

But, no, you knew that, and you're twisted to have planned this.

I hope to God you have one of those red biohazard bags in your purse, 'cause you just bought yourself a set of linens!

380-thread count!


[ Doorknob Rattling ] What's the matter?

[ Knocking ] Are you feeling sick? Huh?


How about this? Try shoving two aspirins up your crack... and never,ever fucking calling me in the morning!

Got it?

That's my own remedy.

Now I'm going down to grab a beer... and, I guess, some fucking 409!

Be gone when I get back. Okay?

God. That was--


You're just--

That's all I can say.



I mean, do I really have to say it?

You couldn't tell? No, I could.

I think I could.

I just wanted to-- Hear it?


Okay, I loved it.

I did.

Thank you.

What'd you like best? Oh, Jesus. [ Chuckles ]

Oh, just so I remember.

You don't have to--

Listen, I'm not gonna want our greatest hits from now on.

So do whatever, okay?

But just one-- like, one thing.

Shit. Only one thing. Just tell me.


You know what I like?


The silence.

When we were making love, you were quiet.

I liked that.

[ Door Opens ]


[ Door Closes ]

What happened to you? We ran late. [ Keys Clink ]

I was gonna--

I-- I tried your pager, but there wasn't any, uh--


I even buzzed you here.


I didn't leave a message on the machine. I--

I hung up before the--

You think you're good?

What, a good fuck?



I'm asking you, do you think you're... good?

"Good"? What do you mean, good?

What kind of question is that?

I'm asking--

I'm saying, are you, you know, like, a good person?

Hey. I'm eating lunch.


So why'd you invite me here, to ask me if I'm good or not?

I just-- I don't know.


This girl tried to dump me once. [ Clears Throat ]

So I got my hands on some hospital stationery, and I sent her this letter informing her... that she had appeared on a list of previous partners of a patient of mine... who had just tested HIV positive.

You did not do that. Oh, yeah.

Come on.

So you decide.

The bitch deserved it, she never understood me and it was a good joke.

But am I good for doing it?

Fuck if I know.

All I do know is I did it, and I find a certain clarity in the gesture.

Don't you think we're gonna have to, you know, like, pay for all this in the end?


I mean, if there ends up being a God... or something like that whole eternity thing out there, then yeah, probably so.

I don't know. We'll see.

But until then, we're on my time. Okay?

The interim is mine.


Fine. I-- I'll put it another way.

[ Clears Throat ]

Take... me.

Oh, Christ, come on.

No, who better I should ask? We're friends.

You're around me, so I'm asking.

Fine. I think you're a marvelous human being.

I mean that. Now shut up and eat.

Come on. I'm serious here.

It's no big deal. I'm just talking. I've just been thinking a lot lately.

I bet.

You say anything to her about it yet?


I tried a million times, but she-- [ Mutters ]

So, I mean, if you didn't know me-- I mean, at all.

Oh, Jesus. No, seriously, you would still feel that way?

What is this? Nothing. I just--

See, I mean, you go around like this all day, I'd cheat on you too.

Sorry. Fuck, that... wasn't nice.

It's okay. I know you didn't mean it.

Forget about it, man.

It's the best thing, I promise you.

Yeah, anyway, I was just wondering--

Yeah, but that's not something you should be doing.

That's something for our little thespian friend to think about.

I'm gonna talk to him.

It's that girlfriend of his.

Yeah, what are you gonna do?

I think I still got some of that stationery.

[ Chuckles ]




Anything good?

Depends. Can you read?

Actually, I came over because aren't you, uh--

Yeah. You know, I thought-- I thought I recognized you. How are you?

I'm great. That's nice.

You? How you doing?

Oh, well, couldn't be better.

Well, that's good to hear. Hmm.

You're looking for a bargain? Yeah.

Actually, I stopped in 'cause I got a tip from--

Isn't that funny? Well, so did I.

Well, I heard him talking about it anyway. Oh.

Small world. Thatisfunny. Yeah.

I half expected to find him in here.


So-- Yeah.

Yeah. So, so, so.

This is odd, isn't it? Hmm?

Just running into anyone you know in a city this size.

Oh. Yeah. Like fate.

Oh, God, not fate. What?

Sorry. I just-- I hear that word thrown around our place a lot, so--

He loves those Greeks, doesn't he? Yeah.

Anyway-- Yeah, anyway--

You wanna get some coffee?

Uh-- Actually, I'm, uh-- I'm meeting someone, so--

Sorry. Okay.

What about later?

I'd even go for decaf.


No. No, thank you, though. I-I-- I have--

Why not? Huh?

Do you--

What are you doing? Why are you acting like, uh--

Because I wanna take you out.

It's just coffee. Don't say no.

Well, I already did. I could say it again for you.


Leave me alone.


I see. You're a real piece of work, you know that? That's great.

Nobody actually likes you. You're aware of this, right?

Are you for real? I don't get your kind.

You give my friend nothing but grief, always coming off like some dyke bitch.

How do you live with yourself?

What the fuck is the matter with you? Hey.

You don't wanna have a drink with me, that's fine.

I can take it. I have a healthy self-image.

But you keep dicking around people I know, and one of these days, I'm gonna find you and I'm gonna knock you on your ass.

You are a useless cunt.

Get used to it.

It's just a shitty day.


Wow, this is great. Did you write this?

That's cute.

It's really good.


Anyhow, Mondays are still okay. All right?

Monday's still good? Yes.

No, 'cause I told you I could change my stuff around if you--

I said yes. He's got that class. He usually runs late.

But what if he doesn't? [ Sighs ]

Why-- Why-- Why can't you just tell him?

Because I like the fact that he thinks that he's the only one fucking around.

I enjoy it. Oh, great. I'm glad I can be of service.

That's not what I meant.

Wh-- Just tell me why. Please, don't.

Don't question everything, okay?

You're very tiring.

Look, I love you.



[ Sniffles ] I know. I do. I do.

But your questions are so useless. You know?

I know. I do know, you know.

But you ask so fucking many of them.

I love being with you. I've said that.

This isn't a barometer reading I'm giving you here.

It lasts. I know.

Okay? So you have to believe me. I do.

No, you don't, or you wouldn't waste our time... wandering around a grocery store, asking me about the degree to which I like being with you.

I can't explain it any better than that, but you just wouldn't--

I'm sorry.

Don't be sorry. You didn't do anything.

You just--

You just talk too much. Jesus.

In reality, most of them were young boys.

What's interesting is when you get to the Restoration, women finally get a chance to go on stage, but most of them were prostitutes, which is kind of-- kind of--

Listen, why don't you, um-- why don't you guys head on in to the Age of Reason, okay?

Uh, and I'll catch up with you. I got to make a phone call.

Just right over there by the-- by the, uh, VoltaĆ­re statue, okay?

Hi. Hello.

Wow. This is-- This is--

Um-- Look, I'm sorry I didn't call you. I was-- I was--

Actually, I tried to, but then I lost the office number, and, uh-- and, uh--

God, this is-- this is weird, isn't it?

Um, look, I'm just here with a bunch of kids doing some research, but, uh--

Yeah, she's cute.

No, no, they're-- they're students. They're not--


Hey, could we--

Do you think we could talk maybe, just get together and--


Look, could we just stop and maybe-- Come here.

Hello. Hey. I'd like to try to at least-- Please leave me alone.

I-I-I need to talk, at least get some closure or something.

What you need is the last thing on earth that I'm interested in. All right?

The same hotel room.

I mean, the exact same--

Yes, that was-- I-- I-- I--

I just-- I suggested it to him.

He asked, and then-- How could you do that?

I don't know. I-- How?

I was jealous, okay?

I-I-- I guess I just--

I mean, I wanted to be there first with you.

I wanted to feel that.

Well, you weren't. You never were.

I know, but I wanted to pretend like I was. You know?


Because I just-- I felt--

I didn't want it to be the same.

That's the only reason I agreed to it in the first--

I wanted it to be different.

That's the only way I wanted to do it, if somehow it'd be different.

Okay, that's fine. I mean, I understand. That's fair. I just--

But I mean-- I mean, we're-- we're here now, aren't we?

Aren't we?

Two of us. I mean, that's got to, like, be something, you know.

Fate or-- Actually, I'm here doing a feature... for--

Yeah, but, I mean, how many times a year do you actually come here?

I mean, I'm hardly ever--

I mean, this is-- Shit.

This is just so--

[ Sighs ] I don't know.

How did things ever get so--

Because life is complicated.

It's a funny world.

People can't communicate.

And you couldn't keep your erection.

I know, but that's never--

It's just one big cycle for me.

I keep thinking about this, and we just can't end like this.

I mean-- Good-bye.

Could we please--

[ Clears Throat ] So what do you think?



About seeing them again.

Wouldn't that be nice? Mm-hmm.


I mean-- Yeah, if you want to. Yeah.

Doesn't sound like you do.


To be honest, I'd like to get the house done a little bit more.


Haven't finished much since the last time they were here.

Well, we could all go out then maybe.


What's the matter?


You seem nervous.

[ Sighs ] Why would I be-- I don't know.

Well, I'm not. I'm fine.

Yeah, I mean, why would you be nervous about seeing them?

I don't know. Why?

Honey, what is this?


What are you doing?

Not a thing.

You? What have you been doing?

What do you mean? I've--

I've been working on the house.

I'm trying to. And I--

I've been writing my--

I don't know what you mean, "doing."

I-- I made you dinner and I--

What did he say to you?

You tell me.

Why don't you tell me what he said to me?

I've been waiting to see if you'd do something about it, but--

So is it true?


[ Sighs ]

I figured it was, but you know what?

Benefit of the doubt.

What do you want me to say?


No, that pretty much says it all.

It's good bread.

[ Footsteps Ascending ]

[ Sniffles ]

[ Sobbing ]

Really? No, no, I'm sure.

[ Chattering ]

You should use it. 'Cause it's all behind the eyes with her.

You know what I mean? You got it in the monologue the last time.

Look, you know what? I'm gonna, um--

I'm gonna talk to him for a second.

Why don't you just go hang out in the greenroom for about 15 minutes, okay?

I'll be there in a second.

Hey. Hey.

Sorry to interrupt and all, but... you never return my messages, so--

Show looks good.

Yeah, it's all right. Just a dress rehearsal.

But thanks. It's--

It's Wycherley.

Doesn't matter.

[ Sighs ]

Look-- I'm sorry. I-I mean--

Forget it. That's not why I came here.

No, I should've come to you and--


I would've said no.

I-- I don't mean in the beginning.

I just meant I should've talked--

It was a shitty thing to let happen in the first place.

And I-- [ Sighs ]

I just-- I feel--

Fuck, I don't know how to put this. I just feel--


Bad. Exactly.


I mean, my wife.

I'm sorry.

The same hotel room even.

I am sorry.


But I-- I mean, I-I still feel--




[ Sighs ]

So are you guys talking at all, or--


I don't even know where she's-- I mean, she'll call.

Oh, yeah. They-- They always call.

Has-- Has she called you?

Me? No. God, no. I-- Right.

I just meant they--


You feel good?

What, are you borrowing toiletries in there, or--

No? Yes?

What the fuck?

[ Toilet Flushes ]

[ Faucet Handle Squeaks ]

So, look, I know you're nervous and all, so it's--

But if you use any towels in there--

And please don't feel like-- I mean, I always do this.

It's a health thing strictly. I mean, really it is.

Um, take a shower if you want to.

Wipe yourself off. No problem.

But set anything you do use off to one side. Okay?

You know, I got to do wash anyway.



How are you? Fine, thanks.


Do you know if this is, uh-- is this part of a collection, or is it, uh--

No, that's just a single piece. Oh.

Nice, isn't it? Yeah, very.

Yeah. Hmm.

First time here? Mm-hmm.

You? No, I work here.

Oh, really? Work. Mm-hmm.

Are you an artist or--

No, I'm the artist's assistant.

Oh, an assistant. Huh.


Is there anything I can help you with, or, uh--

Look, I'm-- I'm-- I'm the guy that she lives with.

I just-- I just, uh, thought I'd introduce myself, or--

You know. Who?

[ Scoffs ]

Come on.

She told me that the two of you were together... or whatever.

It's just--

That's what I thought.

Well, look, um, there's really nothing else I can show you here then.

I mean, if you're done looking.


You know, you could show me why she'd be interested in somebody like you.

Maybe because I don't say stupid fucking things like that to people.

[ Phone Rings ]

I got a call.


Your painting's crooked.

I just feel--

I don't know.

But I want to say this. I-- I need to--


We both-- I mean, all of this--

What I've done as well--

There have been some mistakes, okay?


You know? I mean, 'cause you've done the same--

You know, this whole girl thing.

I said fine. That's how you feel. Fine.

But... you aren't coming back, right?

[ Scoffs ] I mean-- What, that's it?

This whole thing we've had, it's just over?

Look, I know about her. You know that, right?

What happened. I mean, how you two had your little--

Listen, let's just-- Let's just leave it here, because--

[ Grunts ] Don't you think I feel--

What, bad? Of course I do.

The guy's practically my best friend.

Oh, don't even fucking use that. All right?

"Best friend"? That is bullshit.

Try saying "friend" when you're down there, lapping between his wife's legs.

Okay. All right. See how it sounds then.

Come on. Come on. All right? It was a mistake. I know.

Why are we doing this?

I never thought this arrangement would be--

What do you want, huh?

I-- We had something nice.

We paid the bills. Great. But now it's--

Look, if you knew, why didn't you tell me?

We could've-- Maybe we could've talked about it, or--

Look, you started seeing somebody. It doesn't matter.

I met someone too.

I mean, I at least tried to fuck outside our calling circle.

But, hey, if we could've come back together and continued, then it would've been very sweet.

But we can't.

We fucked it. We fucked up.

It doesn't have to be like that. It's just all very fucked.

No, it doesn't have to be-- Wake up.

Hey! Hey, hey. Shh! Wake up!

Would you just fuckin' listen to me for a second?

Every time I try to-- I'm trying to apologize, or whatever, and you just keep fuckin' whacking me down.

I feel like I'm-- Listen, I don't have time.


It's late. So let's just do this.

It's over.

Thanks so much. It was lovely.

I'll get the rest of my stuff later.

Lunch was a mistake.

This is just so... shitty.

I mean, after all--

God, please don't fucking examine--

You are so weird about shit like this.

You just wanna turn it all over and over in--

This is not some fucking thesis, okay?

So snap out of it. [ Whispering ] Would you please be quiet?

That's my advice to you. Grow the fuck up.


But this is-- "But"--

Okay, can I, like--

Do I, like, at least get a number?

You know, if you get mail or something?

Sure. Sure.

Should I, um, write "Hold me" or any-- anything like that?

That's not funny.

Yes, it is.

So, are you--

I mean, so you're, like, staying with her now?

God, not her too. No, 'cause I just can't--

Can't what?

Why do you find it so hard to fathom that I'd want to be with a woman?

I mean, I wanted to be with you.

Now I want to be with her. That's all.

I know. It just makes me feel a little, you know--

Oh, fuck. All right, great. Just forget it.

Forget it, all right?

I mean, is this-- is this a moral issue, or is this just because you think I have nice tits?

It's both.

You okay? You want anything, or--


[ Beeping ]

[ Line Ringing ]

[ Mutters ] Answer.

[ Ringing Continues ]


[ Phone Ringing ] Answer.

Answer me.

[ Ringing Continues ]

Look, this is not just another question.

I-- I--

[ Ringing Continues ]

Please answer me. Please.

[ Ringing Continue ] [ Answering Machine Beeps ]

What's your name?


Oh, yeah.


Yeah, that's nice.

That's pretty.

Come on. What's going on?

Listen. I--

I got to go.

No, it's not--

Come on.


What is the matter?

Why can't I-- Come on.

Oh, God, is it me?

I put it in you, you cry.

I stick it down by your ass, you cry.

Which is fair, I grant you.

That hurts.

But I kiss your tits, I touch you or I so much as fuckin' rub up against you, and you're weeping in my pillow.

Is it me?

I don't think so.

All right.

Can-- Can you just--

Just hold me.

I want to make love.

A few more months-- [ Slapping ]

Not gonna be so easy, you know.


We will. Just--

Just a few minutes.

But we will fuck tonight, right?


In a minute.


Your fucking watch doesn't even work.

No, that's-- I'll get you another one.

Jesus, you're a mess.

[ Kisses ]

Lay back.

How does that feel?

It's nice.

[ Woman ] * As long as I had it in me

* I'd keep going back

* To that first point

* Of truth

* I guess I quite like it

* Doesn't everyone?

* It's so commonplace

* To sit and witness

* So familiar

* This play

* So sad if you unravel

* While the secret drips from your eyes *

* Into your hollow

* Barren concern

* Of my futureless future

* It's not what you are

* Dark and staggering

* But inside

* All ideas are so vertical *

* Now you're stumbling

* Through the excuses

* So now you can witness

* So familiar

* This play

* Let's pretend I'll unravel

* While mimicking some sad surprise *

* Into my hollow

* Barren concern

* Look how we turn

* Into the so familiar

* This play

* So sad we unravel *

** [ Instrumental Solo ]

** [ Fading ]