Your Sister's Sister (2011) Script

You guys... how long were you dating?

About a year.

And you met in college, right?

Mm-hmm, yeah.

It was about seven years ago.

But I'm more... I'm friends with Jack, you know.

He used to take a frying pan and just put cheese in it.

And he'd roll it up.

Is this true? It's absolutely true.

You've said that before. It's absolutely true.

He'd call it... he's like, "Oh, I made my cheese log."

I needed a wheelchair.

So one night, we went to an emergency room entrance, and we stole a wheelchair and took it out back.

And he was pushing me down the hill.

Tom did that?

Yeah, it was... he knew that I needed a wheelchair.

He used to have one of those, uh, those sunfishes, you know, the boats that have the one...

The one sail? The one sail.

Yeah, yeah, free version.

He would go out, and he would be gone for, like, six or seven hours.

And we'd be, like, really worried, because we couldn't see him from the shore.

What was that band called?

It was a band called Bigfoot.

No, it was...

'Cause he was a marine biologist.

He liked big fish.

Well, yes, but the thing is, there was a name attached to the wheelchair.

So it was for someone.

Yeah, we've been friends for a long time.


Mark was one of these guys who would, like, walk into a room.

You know, like we could be at a party.

You could have the one person in the room, playing you, for example.

Like, no one was talking.

No, but there's something to be said for just somebody who just makes people feel comfortable.

He did. He did.

We were just walking down the street.

Yeah, yeah. Thank you.

You got it.

Trying make this, like, a respectable event.

Uh, I... uh, it's been a year.

And, uh, I thought it was really important that we do this for Tom.

It's so hard to eulogize someone who you look up to, you know, 'cause Tom was amazing.

He was the best fucking guy.

I mean, he was a better friend to all of us than we were to him.

I mean, at least, that's how I feel.

I just think back.

We were roommates at UW.

And, like, I remember, like, at one point, sara came to visit me.

And he moved all of his stuff into the common room to sleep there.

No, and he really... and I was like, "It smells bad."

And he was like, "No"___ He was like, "No, no, no.

I'm gonna do it so you can have sex."

And I was like, "we're not having sex."

I would... and he was like, "But I'm optimistic, you know."

And so I... and he was just so generous, you know.

He was just... he was the best.

And I was just thinking today, I mean, I saw Hotel Rwanda came on TV.

And he... he and I saw it together in the theater.

And the day after it came out, he started donating time at the shelter in downtown seattle.

That's what he was like.

You'd sit there thinking about it, and he would do it.

And just cheers... you know, I just want to say "cheers" to that.


To Tom. To Tom.


Tom and I were big into movies, you know, growing up.

Actually, Tom and I, like, had a seminal movie experience together not dissimilar from Hotel Rwanda, except it was with Revenge of the Nerds.

And it was fascinating.

It sort of... it changed him, um, 'cause Tom was not like you know him when he was younger.

Tom was... he was the bully, I found out, like, when I went to pick him up from school.

And, um, he was quite emotionally and physically manipulative.

And when I watched him watching Revenge of the Nerds, just something clicked in him, which was, he was learning that, like, the bullies and the assholes end up last, and the nerds and the nice guys win.

And his little brain started clocking away and going "Oh, fuck.

"If I'm gonna gain favor in this world, "I'm gonna be nice.

"I'm gonna be altruistic.

"I'm gonna watch Hotel Rwanda and volunteer at a shelter, "'cause girls will like that.

"I will get laid.

"I'll get better job.

I'll succeed forward in the life"___

I don't think that's what it is.

But the purist vers...

I don't think that that's accurate.

Al? Hey, Al?

I know you spent some time with him in the last couple of years, but I... but he's my brother.

I just think you're gonna hold someone to something that happened when they were fucking 14 years old or whatever he was when that happened.

If we're gonna toast the man, let's toast the man.

Let's not eulogize somebody like a fucking bullshit...

Just the way you're saying it is just like he's a dick.

And it's like, he wasn't a dick. He was amazing.

You're calling my brother a dick?

I'm not calling my brother a dick.


I'm just saying, let's not do what everybody does at a funeral or a commemoratory ceremony where we just say, "Uh, they were amazing, and they were generous,"

'cause that's fucking bullshit.

And it's a dishonor to the man.

So cheers.

No, I think I'm gonna finish, Al, 'cause I'm his brother.

If we're gonna raise our glass, I want to raise our glass to the man.

You know half of the man, and I know the whole man, okay?

Who was fucking beautiful.

He knew how to make himself work and weave in the world.

And I think that's fucking great.

And I would never call him a dick for that, so fuck you for saying that.

But let's raise a glass to the whole man.


Thank you.


So, anyway, I was... we should say something.

But does anyone want another drink?

Or, uh...

Oh, boy.

How'd that go for you?

When you wrote it, how did you see that actually playing out for you?

I will say this.

Some parties are forgettable.

You know what I mean?

But I got to say, this party...

Had great guacamole and amazing public speaking.

Great public speaking.

They'll remember it.

You got to stop.

You know that, right?

Oh, this is... this is that moment...

This is your intervention. Isn't it?

This is... this is hard Iris.

I miss you.

I miss my friend.

I know you're sad.

I'm sad too.


You know what I always think about?

I think about, like, you're... that must have been so hard for you to leave Tom.

That fucking guy loved you.


You are so... but you were right, and you were so brave, and you were so right.

It wasn't right with us.

No, it wasn't right with you guys.

But that's okay.

Can I tell you something?

I turned down the Trinity job.


I don't want to go to Trinity and show them who I am right now, because they'll never hire me again.

And so that almost means, like, I don't want to go another party and show them who I am right now.

And I don't want to go to a girl and show her who I am right now... -

You're a mess.


I've been watching you for a year now, and whatever you're doing, and whatever you think is helping you, I have a responsibility as your friend to tell you that it's not.

I knew this was coming, by the way.


Just tell me what to do. Okay.

That's basically where I'm at. Just tell me what...

Okay, all right.

You know better than I do. You know I...

I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.

I know. I have a plan.

You have a plan?

I just want you to hear me out.

It's just a plan right now. I love your plans.

You might not love this one, but just hear me out.

But I don't have any plans.

Um, that's the good news.

You know, uh, you know that nice red bicycle that you have?


Yikes. Sorry.

What you're going to do... you're gonna dust off Old Red, you're gonna wheel him out of the shed, and you're gonna get on a ferry.

I'm sending you to my dad's place.

You know my dad's place on the island?

It's beautiful in the winter.

It's idyllic and crisp and peaceful and...

Like, by "beautiful" you mean, "rainy and cold."

I'm sorry; I got so distracted, 'cause all I heard was pissing and moaning.

Right. Sorry, I started pissing.

I'm not pissing. I'm not pissing and moaning.

I'm done. I'm done.

You just need some head space, okay?

Okay. Okay.

So then you're gonna take a right on a road called Dunhill Road.

And the house is right at the end of the street.

And it's the only house on the lane.


Um, I mean, seriously, I'm just going not... - like, what am I doing out here?

You just sit there, and you look out at the water, and you think about your life.

Really? I'm just gonna sit?

You're just gonna sit.

There's no TV. There's no internet.

There's nothing. It's just you.

Do they have forks, 'cause I might...

They have a couple... we have a couple of forks, yeah.

I might need to stab myself in the face.

Will you please come visit me, please?

No, Jack. I can't.

This is... I can't anyway, 'cause I'm slammed.

But I can't because this is... this is for you, you know.

Don't make me feel bad about sending you off.

All right, I'm gonna go have the greatest time ever doing nothing.

And if I don't come back within a week, bring a razor and deodorant.

♪ ♪


Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

Hi, hi, I'm...

Ahh! Okay.

I think I have the wrong house. And I-I...

Hey, Hannah! You're Hannah!

Oh, my God, I'm so... I'm so sorry.

I'm Jack. I'm Iris' friend Jack.

You're Jack?

Yes, I'm so sorry I freaked you out.

Holy fuck! Sorry.

Are you kidding me?

What are you doing, like, creeping around my house?

I was looking for the key. And I'm so sorry.

I didn't... I didn't even see anything, so it's fine.

Fuck me.

Sorry, that's my fault.


Anyway, not to beat a dead horse, but just to be super clear, I was looking for the key out front, and I thought maybe it was on the side.

You know, and that's really...

Ring the bell. Just ring the bell, dude.

Yeah, but I didn't know anybody was here, so why would I ring the bell?

You know what? Just... let's drop it, okay?

It's just... it's done.

Anyway, sorry.

But look, you obviously came here to, what, get some alone time, and I'm clearly barging in.

So I don't know, I'll just get a cheap hotel, I think, and it'll be fine.

No, it's fine. You can... you could stay.

Yeah, it's fine.


I don't want to intrude.

I really don't.

Look, Iris invited you up.

You're a guest.

You're welcome to stay.

You sure?

Yeah, I'm sure.

There's plenty of room.

I'm sure we won't even run into each other.

Are you hungry?

There's bananas.

Those are bananas?

Well, they're dehydrated.

Oh, okay.

I'm good. Thank you.

But yeah, if you're okay, I'm... I will crash.

Okay, I'm okay. Stop saying, "Are you okay?"

Well, I just want to make sure you're okay.

Um, what... is there a bedroom I should take?

Yeah, just go past where we had the standoff, and it's the first bedroom on the right.

Oh, past the... the creepy guy with the bike helmet?

Yeah, where the crazy lady was brandishing the oar.

She was scary.

I hope she's gone.

Good night.

Do you think we'll see her again?


Can I come in?

There's glasses on the windowsill, you know, if you want to join me.

You sure? Yeah.


One thing in common with your little sister.

What, the lush factor?

Ah, the self-aware lush factor.

Oh. Very important.

Big difference.

So you're on an island.

It's 3:00 in the morning, and you're drinking by yourself.


What's going on?


I'm not good for small talk, so I apologize if I'm, uh, barging through the doors of your privacy right now.

Yeah, it's okay. You kind of are, but, it's...

I am. I apologize.

Let's talk about your slippers.

Okay. Let's talk about my slippers.

Your slippers are awesome.

I just walked out on a seven-year relationship.


Hence the tequila. Hence the tequila.

What's your story?

Mm, nothing really.

I just kind of had a shitty year.

You know, thought it'd be nice to have a little sabbatical, get some alone time.

Okay, good place for it.

Good place for it.


Getting the alone time.

But I got to say, not so terrible to have a drinking buddy.


You are not what I expected, Hannah.

How so?

You are, uh... I don't know.

Just not how Iris described you to me, I guess.

How did she describe me?

She... well, if you don't know already, she worships you and looks up to you and thinks you are amazing.

And she loves you.


It's true.

What else?

Well, I don't...

Give me the dirt! Come on!

What am I supposed to say? She loves you.

She thinks you're amazing.

Well, I love her. I think she's amazing.

Well, good. Well, drink your drink.

You drink your drink. Don't tell me to drink my drink.

Well, I'm drinking my drink. You drink that one.

Watch this.

Oh, yeah? Watch this.

Wham! Okay.

Do you have any brothers or sisters?

Now you're talking. I had a brother.

That's right.

I'm sorry. Don't be sorry.

I knew that. Don't.

That's... I'm sorry. That's my bad.

Why are you sorry? I don't know.

There's nothing to be sorry about.

I used to have a brother, and I don't anymore.

And that's what it is, you know?

It's like, it is what it is, and it sucks.

And it... you know, it was, you know, it was terrible, obviously.

But, um... but I'm good.

And, um, thank you for that.

But it's not necessary.

To your brother.

To your sister.

And her sister, being you.

That would be me.


I guess I better drink then.

Come on.

Mm-mm! Mm-mm.

I can't.

Look, if we're gonna drink to someone as awesome as your sister and my dead brother, we're throwing the shit back.

Okay. Come on, wham it.


There it is.

Holy shit.

Yet another similarity with you and Iris.

I can talk her into drinking anything.

I can't believe you let me talk you into that.

That's really great.

You want another one?

♪ ♪ Okay, my best friend is your sister.


It's like a kind of in-law, of sort, that makes us.

You know what I'm saying?

What are you talking about?

I'm doing... Yeah, no, no, no, go, go, go.

I cut you off when you were actually going with something good.

I'm drawing a brilliant parallel.

Go again.

Going down.

Getting weird with the...

All right, let me tell you something.


All right, it's not that I was...

I was in love with her.

I was totally fucking in love with her.

But what I was in love with was the potential that she was holding that was me.

Right. Does that make sense?


That's what I was in love with.

Right, right. Was that.

And then I started to realize, like, it was like I gave her all my, like, zhuzh, all my good stuff.

Is this making any sense?

Yeah. You shouldn't do that.

And, like... and she wouldn't give it back.

So, like, as the... as the... as, like, the years went on and everything went on, I was just, like... this is gonna sound so fucking melodramatic.

I was, like, this fucking, like, little fucking bird, like, in a cage.

And finally she came over and unlocked it, and I just sat there.


I sat there for three more months when she was hooking up with a...

Ugh, this woman, girl, who's so much younger than me.

And I just couldn't...

I just sat there and waited for her to be attracted to me again or to just look at me like I was, uh...


We're gonna stop this conversation.

I got a sense of it, okay?

And here's the deal.

I've made a decision.

Pam is a fucking moron.

Mm-hmm. Okay?

She's not really, but...

No, here's the deal.

Look, for her to have given you the sense in some way that you're not, like, young enough or good enough or pretty enough or just enough in general is fucking bullshit.

It is, right? It's bullshit.

Because what I see across from me is... you have to... you're gonna have to let me descend here for a second; can I descend?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

I have to tell you something, and I don't want you to take it the wrong way.

It's to prove a point, okay?

But it's about your butt. So when I...


When I... when I went to look for...

You are a fucker.

I am.

You were fucking peeping in the fucking windows.

You're a fucker.

Give me some more.

You are a fucking... go ahead... yeah, no, I want to hear your confession.


I tried to find the key.

I went around the door, all innocent up until that point.

Innocent, innocent, innocent.

Looking for the key, total innocence, total innocence.

Your butt.


Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

But you made me that way.

I made you that way?

'Cause your butt is fucking awesome, okay?

Can you not?

'Cause it's, like, super soft.

How do you know it's super soft?

'Cause I could tell.

You're so fucking weird...

I know. And drunk right now.

I know. I looked at it for a while.

I got a good sense of it.

And let me tell you another thing that's even more inappropriate, but it's super safe 'cause you're a lesbian.

If I were differently equipped or you were differently inclined, this night might go a very different way.


I'm just saying... Are you just saying?

I would be super open to that in a whole other universe...


Because... and this is just serving to prove my point of, like, you shouldn't feel not awesome because she was not interested in you.

There will be a lot of people...

Well, I didn't say she wasn't interested in me.

The fucking thing ran its course.

But anyway, go ahead.

I like it. I like it.

To your gorgeous, supple, soft, sexy motherfucking butt.

And all the other things that I might be thinking about except for the fact that I'm not thinking about them.

I'm just saying... Anyway, the point is, you, you're never going to be happy if you're eating this fucking bird food.

You think... - you know why you feel like a bird?

I love that food. You feel like a bird?

Okay, what the fuck is this? It's a turd.

You can't eat these things.

I am here, Dr. Jack, to fix you, okay?

So I'm gonna make you round, tall filet, super awesome.

Grocery store. Cook it medium-rare.

I can't do it. With the butter.

I can't eat meat. You can make me something else.

Okay, I'll make you something else.

I'll make you a super awesome steak medium-rare with the butter and the blue cheese and the truffle oil drizzled over the French fries.

And I'm gonna put this plate in front of you.

And it's gonna be totally different.

It'll be a change of pace.

But you are out of the cage now, my friend.

And if you want to fucking fly, you're gonna start with a steak.

That's all I'm saying. Let's do it.

All right, we're going to the store...

No, let's do it.

I'm gonna fucking cook you a meal.


All right.

I'm gonna take you up on your offer.

What are you doing?

I haven't, uh, been on that bicycle in quite some time, but...

What are you... what?

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Are you serious? Yeah.

I'm single. You're single.

I'm single.

I mean, maybe it's a bad idea. It's not a bad idea.

No, maybe it's a bad idea. It's not a bad idea.

No, we shouldn't do it. You're a straight guy.

I'm looking at your boobs. It might be too much.

It might be too much for you.

Too much for you to handle.


You're serious.

I don't know.

I mean, I'm game if you're game.

Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Get rid of this. Get rid of this.

Holy shit.

Wait. Wait, wait, wait.

Shit, shit, shit, I don't have... I don't...

I didn't bring a... I don't have a condom.

Well, I didn't... I thought I was gonna be alone.


Oh, fuck.

Saran Wrap?

I think I know where there's one.

Okay, oh, all right.




Wait, wait, wait. Stay right there.

Don't move, don't move, don't move.

I got to show you something.

I've always wanted to do this.

Okay. You ready?



All right. You're very underwhelmed.

Okay, never mind.

Wait. All right.

I'm gonna do it.

Whoa, you're really going for it.

Is that on?

Uh, snap it. Snap it.

Okay, good.

Give me this. Give me this.

Okay, sorry.

Okay, I got it. I got it.


Let me get these off.

Yeah. Okay.

Wow. Wow.



Oh, my God.

Oh, shit, you're amazing.

Oh, sorry.

Wait a second.

Oh, shit. I squealed.


Did you... okay.

Yeah, sorry.

That was... it wasn't supposed to be that fast.

Oh, good.

I can... I can help, uh...

No, it's okay.

Finish for you, if you want.

Oh, no.

Thank you.

You sure? Yeah.

Okay. Ow, you're on my hair.


All right, um...


You want to snuggle?

Yeah. Okay.

Go for it. Okay.

Maybe not that close.

We should get some... we should get some water too before we go to sleep.


Good night.

Thank you.

She's here, she's here, she's here, she's here.

Get up, get up, get up, get up.

Oh, ew!

Oh, shit.

Fuck. Where'd it go?

Where'd it go? Where'd it go?

Where'd it go?

Okay, you have to get up.

Iris is in the driveway.

Dude, she's in the driveway.

Give me some tissues.

Give me some tissue. Come on.


Very important, okay?

She cannot know about this.

I am running or something.

You are sleeping.

And we're good, okay?




What the fuck is that?

Hey, Bean.

Oh, my God.

What's up?

Puppet? What the fuck?

Oh, my goodness!

What are you doing here?


Oh, it's so nice to see you.

I didn't know you were going to be here.

Yeah, it's a long story. Did you just wake up?

You okay?

These are cute. These are really...

Holy cow!

And you've met... oh, Jesus Christ.


What have you come as?

I was on a run.

Here she is.

Hannah showed me a great path, and...

Jane Fonda.

Oh, cut it out.

Oh, yummy. You're sweaty.

Oh, what are you doing here?

What is going on?

Did you meet my sister?

I've been wanting you to meet her.

I did. We met last night.

Yes, we did. How nice is this?

I've been wanting you guys to meet for so long.

Haven't I been talking about it? And it's weird.

It's weird that you haven't met, so I love it.

I know. It's crazy.

How... what... - why are you... how did the... what are you doing here?

I got off work. I just was, like... they moved a shoot and then axed another one, so I was, like, "Peace out.

I'm gonna go and annoy my friend."

That's so great!

This is amazing that she's here as well.

I know.

You were like, "Go up for a solo sabbatical except"___

I know. I know.

You're supposed to have alone time, and now you're, like, double whammy!

Two of them here.

That was a big run.

Yeah, it was really good.

Yeah. I need to pee.

I'm literally gonna pee my pants.

I got you provisions and stuff.

I love that you're here.

Where did you guys sleep?

That was a bit much.

It's, like, pouring off your head.

So... yeah.

Hey. Hey.

Took my room.

I hate my room.

You do hate your room.

Don't be weird and change the sheets.

It's fine.

I broke up with Pam.


Holy shit.

Why... when?

A couple of days ago.

I got up here yesterday.

I hitchhiked up.

You didn't hitchhike up.

Please don't hitchhike. It's so dangerous.


I had no idea that... are you all right?

Please don't change the sheets.

I want to change the sheets. Don't change the sheets.

Let me change the sheets. I want to change the sheets.

I want to talk to you about...

I had no idea you guys were having trouble.


Why didn't you call me?

I don't know; I knew we were in trouble when we weren't being physical anymore.

But, I mean, that was totally my fault.

I was just so fucking angry with her all the time.

Yeah, of course you were. She's suffocating.

No. Well, she was suffocating.

She was suffocating.

No, but it was me too.

It was because I was buying in to this...

I was... what did I say to you last night?

I had a good metaphor for it last night.

Did you guys talk about this last night?

Yes, I was shitfaced, and I was pouring out my heart.

You know what? I am gonna need some herbs.

Would you mind getting something from the garden?

Do you need it right now, or do you want to...

It would be great so that it could marinate.


I do feel like sooner rather than later would be good, just so they can marinate.

Okay. Yeah, yeah.

Um, but I want to know... I want to know what the...

I'll remember where I was.

I didn't know any of this, what the breaking point...

It's not the kind of stuff you talk about.

I know. Yeah.

All right, what do you want me to do?

Um, real quick.

I've been thinking, since the bottle of tequila was pretty much empty, I think the way we pitch it is, you were here drinking, and I came in, and we talked for, like, 20 minutes.

Then you went to bed.

I stayed up finishing the tequila.

And then that way, it's like, we hung out a little bit but not so much that it's suspicious.

You know what I'm saying? Is that cool with you?

What are you talking about?

I mean, seriously, what are you talking about?

Okay, don't you think we both agree it's better if Iris just doesn't know?


Because she's your sister, and I'm her best friend...

Yeah? And it's weird.

Weird, what?

Well, it's weird that we had sex.

I mean, I'm not particularly proud of it.

But I don't think she would give a shit.

What do you mean you're not proud of it?

Come on. Whatever, anyway, go ahead.

You want me to make up a story to throw her off the track so that she doesn't know that we had sex?

That sounds terrible when you say it like that.

Right. Okay?

Do you have a thing for my sister?

I knew you were gonna say this.

This is why I didn't want to say anything.

I do not have a thing for your sister.

You have a thing for my sister.

I don't have a thing for your sister.

Here's the deal. Okay.

I think it would be bad for all of us if Iris knows about this.

I'm not just thinking...

You are freaking me out on so many levels right now.

You don't think she'd be upset if you told her we had sex?

I don't think she would give a shit, no.

Wow. I hate to break it to you...


Hey! I've got sage as well.

I don't know if that's any good.

Uh, sage is great actually.

Perfect. Thank you.

So what was the point when... what was it when you decided that...

You know what? I don't want to talk about it anymore.

No. But I haven't heard any of it.

I'm starting to get so irritable, because it's just a bad topic.

Let's listen to some music.

Why don't we do that?

I'll put some music on.

Yeah, let's do music.

That sounds good.

Did she tell you about the Pam thing last night?

What's that?

Did she tell you about Pam?

We touched on it.

How's this? It's okay.

Can you not talk about me when I'm in the same area?

I'm just saying, I think I'm a little upset that this guy is, like, all clued up on your breakup and I don't know anything.

Here's the deal. New rule.

No talking behind anybody's backs in this house, all right?

All right. Um, we don't do that.

Okay. Yeah, good.

Okay, I know you don't want to talk about it anymore.

That's fine.

Yeah. That's totally fine.

Let's just move on.

All right. Sounds good to me.

This place is incredible. Mm-hmm.

I know you said at some point it was renovated, but...

You don't understand how beautiful this place was.

You don't understand. It was...

I mean, it was insane. It was beautiful.

It was just so pure and gorgeous, and then Marilyn came in and just eradicated any memory of us.

And, so the house, yes, is very beautiful...

Without the stink of us.


But Marilyn's only got a couple more years left.

It's two and a half, three.

Two and a half, three more years.

Yeah, I think so. What, are you...

I'm sorry, what? Three to go?

The ten-year itch. Mm-hmm.

Okay, he was with her mum for ten years, had an affair with my mum, who was his secretary.

Got your mom Lenora pregnant. Yes.

Married her.

Moved to London. Moved to London.

Got bored of Lenora, and then he moved on.

And then he kind of philandered around for, like, seven years.

He went through his crazy Warren Beatty phase.

The funny thing, though, about those years, when he was so bad with the ladies, he was so good with us, because that was...

He wasn't.

No, but that was, like, six summers that it was just the three of us here.

I know, but you were okay with that.

I had no respect for that.

He just went... he dodged from one to the other, and it was gross.

That's so crazy.

So he would just, like, date all these women, like, for short periods of time with not a lot of emotional investment?

Yeah, it was horrible.

And they were very similar, and then he would just move on?

Yeah. God, that's just weird.

Who does that? Oh!

And the patterns emerge!

What are you doing? I'm sorry.

Skinny Jeans George, skinny Jeans Harry, skinny Jeans vinnie.

Vinnie lasted for at least two weeks.

He was one of the longer ones.

I don't like dating. You know that.

I don't like dating.

I don't like the... I don't like it.

I get bored. I don't like it.

Do you know how the Iris dating scheme works these days?

No, you don't.

Okay, this is basically how it works, I mean, in a nutshell.

So they come in with the skinny jeans that... yes, skinnier than these, by the way.

Then we've got the rocker stud belt, the Converse, no socks, tongue open, no shoelaces, the swoopy haircut.

Which you have right now, by the way.

Well, I have it 'cause I have hair problems.

These guys are young enough.

They should not be swooping.

It starts out usually on a Friday, 'cause she met him at a coffee shop.

Saturday night, we go to either Fleet Foxes or Band of Horses...

I like Fleet Foxes.

Or some sort of Light in The Attic show.

And then she takes them to the greasy spoon breakfast the next morning.

She's like, "I'm such the greasy spoon girl," and then they get very, very excited about her.

And the next weekend they call, and she does coffee.

And then it's done.

And why are you almost defending them?

You hate all of the guys that I've been out with.

You've hated all of them.

Well, the problem is...

I get very bored. You know that.

You have great taste in life, and you have terrible taste in men.

You have terrible taste in clothes.

Of course I do. I never said...

Those denim shorts are a horror show.

Don't... don't talk about the jean shorts.

Don't, don't. No, no, no, no, no, no.

The fact that you've somehow managed to get the inner seam higher than the outer seam is so creepy.

God is in the details. I'm sorry.

I never want to see those things again.

Remember the guy who asked you to cut your bush?


The guy that you were hooking up with that told you to trim your bush and...

Okay, we're good. No, no, no.

She came home in tears, because she was hooking up with this guy.

Remember that guy?

And she had a little poof in her underwear.

Okay, you know...

And she's like, "I didn't know I'm supposed to trim my bush.

I was so embarrassed.

And I was, like, the bad older sister

'cause I didn't tell her.

What the fuck are you doing?

I didn't. It was...

Anyway, that's the only boyfriend story I remember.

You suck. That is so wrong, by the way.

What? That's very wrong.

These are the guys...

Okay, we're good, we're good, we're good.

We're done. We're done.


Okay, we're done.

I'm just gonna eat another vat of mashed potatoes.

How are you liking those mashed potatoes?

They're outrageous.

Yeah? They taste good?


How vegan do they taste to you?

Come on.

I put a dollop of butter in. That was it.

Don't rinse out. Come on.

You've been plowing through those things.

Do you know why they tasted good?

Because they have dairy in them. That's why.

Why would you do that? Because I felt like it.

That's five pounds of fear right there that I just ate.

It was meant to be a joke just 'cause... to see if you liked it.

It was meant to be a joke.

I mean, it's just so not cool.

Okay, okay.

You're right. It's not cool.

Are you allergic to butter, though?

No, I'm emotionally allergic to butter.

I'm sorry. It was just a little bit.

It was just a tablespoon.

I like butter in my mashed potato, and that was all it was.

All right. Don't, Hannah.

That was delicious and inhumane and...

I'll see you guys in the morning.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I love you, but I don't like you.

All right.

Thank you, Jack.

Good night, Hannah.




I'm sleeping.

I know.

I can't sleep.

It's because I'm so excited that you're here.

Well, try.



I can't.

Do you want to talk?


Go to bed.

I can't.

Well, sleep here, but, shh.


Can I just have one question?


Do you like Jack?

Yeah, he's all right.


I said he's all right.

What do you think of him?

I don't know.

I just met him.

Yeah, but, you know, you're very good at working people out.

I don't know. He seems like a nice guy.


He's a good cook.


Sorry about the potato.

I hate that bush story.

I'm sorry about that.

I, like, hate it so much.

It's so, so embarrassing.

It's a good story.

Yeah, for you.

I don't know. He's funny, I guess.

He's very funny.

And full of himself.

Well, it's because he's nervous, though.

He just gets a little posture-y when he's nervous.

He's really smart.

So do you like him?

Yeah, he's my friend.

No, I mean, do you like him like him?


I think I'm in love with him.



Do you think that's weird?



Because of Tom, I think it might be weird.

I don't know.

He made this, like, really drunken pass at me once.

And it was right after I broke up with Tom.

And it was completely embarrassing, but...

He was so upset the next day, you know, mortified.


And I was kind of happy that it happened.

So I guess I thought then that I shouldn't... shouldn't tell him.

Do you think that I should tell him?


No, not no.


He's so sweet.

I think you should sleep on it.

Sleep on it?

I thought you were gonna say, "I think you should sleep with him."

That's my usual advice.

I just think I might fuck everything up, because maybe we know each other too well, you know?

And he'd be totally weirded out, and...

sleep on it.


In your own bed.


I'm exhausted.


I love you.

It's nice to see you.

So good to see you, Peanut.


Hi, stink Bomb.


How are you?

What are you doing?

Just chilling.


Are you not sleeping?

I can't sleep.

Can you not sleep?




What do you think of her?

I think she's great.

You know, I really like her, and she seems great.

Do you not like her?

No, I just said I like her.

I do.

Did you... what did you guys do last night?

We, um...


You know, it was just, like, small talk, getting to know each other a little bit.

And it was nice.

Do you think that she's pretty?

I think she is empirically attractive.


"Technically speaking she is, uh, pretty attractive."


She's a pretty girl. Yeah.

She's really pretty.

She's a pretty girl.

This is her room.

Do you know that?

This is her room?

You're in her room.

That's weird. Why'd she put me in here?

She hates this room.

Maybe that's why she put me in here.

She does. She really hates this room.

She hasn't even unpacked.


Yeah, that's all her stuff.


What is that?

This is all her paintings.

I don't know if she even knows they're here.

She hasn't picked up a brush in years, but...

It's beautiful. Yeah.

These are all from around here.

And this is a nudist beach on the other side of the island.

On this island?


That's crazy.



I got to tell you something.




I am too old to ride bicycles to islands.

Anyway, that's my big confession for the night.

You just put your foot in my face, you son of a bitch.


You just put your foot in my face.

No, I didn't.

You did.

Shit head.


You were right.

About what?

It's just, um, better if she doesn't know.


Yeah, that's... that's good for me, yeah.

Just like that.

Ew, it's a gloopy.

I prefer "eye booger."


What are... what are we in for here?

Hmm? What are we in for here?

I have no idea.

Are you guys ready for the best gluten-free, vegan, soy-free pancakes you're ever gonna eat?



Seriously, these are delicious.

They look really good.

You can have a little sad pancake.

There's the little man.

Look, two little sad pancakes.

Oh, he is a little sad. I'll make him happy.

Tell me if you miss anything, 'cause I would be very surprised if you do.


Um... oh!

Maple syrup.

Maple syrup.

Oh, shoot.

Okay, you know what?

No maple syrup, but we do have cashew butter.



They're good? Mm!

Oh, my God. I'm so excited.

That's great. So good.

They're actually even good without it.

But I will try it with.

See how we do.

I put that stuff on everything.

It is delish.


Mmm. Good.

They're good?

Very good. Very good.

I'm so happy you guys like them.

I mean, do you miss it?

Do you even miss the butter and the milk?

Mm-mm. Mm-mm.

They're terrible.

No, they're not.

They're so bad.

They're so good, right?

Aren't they good?

I think "terrible" is an extreme word.

I think that they are challenged, but they are...

I think it's a very good effort.

It's not.

You know what it is?

The flax seeds didn't do a good job.

I put flax seeds in to replace the egg, and usually I use coconut oil, but we didn't have any.

And it's just...

Well, you didn't have the right ingredients.

We didn't.

This is what I think.

We'll have a second round.


You get all the right ingredients.

I'll make my pancakes, you make yours, and we'll have, like, a pancake-off.

And then whoever wins will win, like, a...

Trip to, uh, IHOP.

A trip to IHOP.

But make sure you bring your passport, 'cause it's international, you know.


Well done.

Sorry, you guys.

Don't be sorry.

Do you know what I'm so excited about?

What? You.

What do you mean?

I'm happy you've left her.

I think that's what I'm trying to say.

I think I'm happy too.

I've kind of missed seeing your face like this.

It's the first time I've seen you look really happy in a long time.

That's awesome.

Despite the terrible pancakes.

You do. It's really lovely for me.

I've missed you, you know, seeing you.

Fuck Pam. Fuck her.

Fuck Pam.

Fuck Pam. Fuck Pam.

Or don't fuck Pam.

Fuck someone else now.

You can do anything you want now.

That's the thing.

It's really exciting.

You can go traveling now.

You're not stuck in...

I can. I was thinking about that.

You can go to India.

You can find yourself, like Lenora.

You can do whatever you want.

You can have a baby now.

A baby?

She's always wanted them. She's always wanted them.

That's right where my mind goes.

Let me go have a baby now.

No, I've been thinking about it, that she's... she's always wanted one as well.

She has actually always wanted a baby.

You should try.

Now is your time.

I mean, were you trying?

Were you even trying?

Yeah, I mean, we had... you know, we'd been talking about it.

She never wanted them, though.

But she said she did.

Yeah, she said was gonna... she said she was gonna relent at some point.

And I don't think she ever wanted them.

And you have such an opportunity now, you know?


Okay. Are you embarrassed a bit?

It's probably embarrassing, in front of Jack.

No. No. It's just... yeah.

I mean...

We just... it wasn't on the table.

At the end of the day, it wasn't... uh, wasn't to be, so moving on.

All right, I'm just saying that there's tons of stuff you can do.


No, but you... there's... don't change the subject.

This is what you want.

There's sperm donors.

There's like...

Christ. Yeah.

It's expensive.

But what I'm saying now is that there's, like... you can go online.

There's sperm donors.

There's sperm in the air.

You just grab a dude and preg yourself up.

That sounds horrible.

Pick a guy. Any guy.

It would just be one night, and then you're done.

I'm gonna get some coffee.

Would you like a refill? Mm-hmm.

Hannah, would you like something?

Ah, yes. Thank you.

Refresh, please.

Coffee? Okay.


I'll be right back.

I need to talk to you.

Let's go for a walk. Okay. Good.

Um, we're going to go for a walk, Jack-Jack.

You're gonna stay here and think about your life.

Come on, Hannah.

I'm going for a walk.

Hey, hey.

Hey, hey, quick.

Um, just wanted to check in with you real quick.

So I don't know exactly how to put this, but it definitely was a little weird.

I didn't know about you and your relationship to, like, wanting a baby and stuff, which is great, obviously.

But, in terms of, like, the whole, like, "Oh, just grab a guy, and there's sperm everywhere," like, it definitely made me think for a sec.

Our first night...

I hate to even bring it up, but I feel like I should just...

We used a condom.

That's true.

Yeah, you're right.


Sorry. Are we good?

Okay, thanks. Sorry about that.

I didn't mean to... see you later.


I just felt like double-checking.

Safety first.

Yeah, and the thought of it is scary, and it's all of those things.

And if I'm gonna do it, I just feel like I should just tell him.

And I thought about it all night.

And we slept in the same fucking bed, you know.

And it's just the comfort and the ease that we have.

I just don't believe that just evaporates.

I hope, anyway.

I just feel like I've got to take this leap.

And I was lying there last night, and I couldn't get to sleep.

And he's snoring next to me, and I'm, like, "Just tell him.

Just fucking tell him."

You know, I just...

I just have to. I think it's time.

And I don't even know what he's gonna think or what he's gonna say.

I just feel like I've got to stop feeling so passive about things, you know?

What's the matter?

Why are you being so quiet?

You don't think I should do it?

No, I have to tell you something.

And I have to tell you something before I tell you something.

The first thing that I'm gonna tell you, you're going to have a big problem with.

So I think I'm just gonna tell you.


Oh, God. Oh, God.

Oh, my God. Oh.



Whoa, whoa.

What's going on? What's going on?

You fucked my sister.

You fucked my sister!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Look, I'm so sorry.

You were here for one night. She's a fucking lesbian.

It was a total mistake.

You should never have known about it.

I'm so sorry, but there's something much bigger at work here... Hannah!

Iris, I'm so sorry. Tell her about the condom.

Hannah, tell her about the condom.

What's he talking about? Tell her.

I found the condom!

What'd you do?

Why were you looking for the condom?

What's going on?

Well, well, why? You know why?

Because she poked holes in the condom.

Can you just shut up for one second?

No, you poked holes in the condom.

It's a fucking rain shower!

She tried to steal my sperm.

I didn't try to steal your sperm.

Well, then, what was that?

Did you poke holes in a condom, Hannah?

No. Yes.


No, I was trying...

I was trying to get pregnant.

With Jack? Yeah.

No. Not with Jack.

With someone. Oh, my God.

Jack, you didn't even... you weren't even gonna know.

Oh, I wasn't going to know?

It was going into a little plastic sack and get thrown into the trash.


Where sperm belongs so it doesn't become a fucking baby that I don't know about!

Okay, so this... let me just clear this up.

You potentially could be pregnant with his baby.

Is that what... is that what you're telling me?

I don't know.

Holy shit. Holy shit.

You had to pick him, didn't you?

You had go pick Jack. I didn't pick him.

All the guys.

All of the guys, and you had to go and pick him.

I wasn't trying to pick him. I was just...

Why? Why did it have to be him?

I didn't know you were in love with him!

How could I know you were in love with him?

I would never have done that.

I don't want to hurt you.

I didn't know.

What are you doing?

I don't know.

I just wanted a baby.

I'm sorry.


I fucked up.


I am a really bad person.

Can I talk to you for a second?


I don't want to talk to you, Jack.

Hey, hey.

I really think your face is going to annoy me right now.

I don't want to talk to you.

My face always annoys you.

I'm so sorry.

Why did you do that?

Did you not think that that would be weird for me?

Did you not think that, like, even if I hadn't found out that that would be weird thing, that you'd have to carry that and still be friends with me?

It's weird.

It's definitely weird.

But it's, like, I...

I slept with your sister, and you slept with my brother.

And I don't know.

I don't even...

This is just so confusing.

There's a lot happening right now.

But I can't...

I can't come between you and your sister, okay?

That is not something I can ever do.

I can't even think about her right now.


I don't want anything to do with her right now, okay?

I just know I saw her when you left the room, and she loves you, and she's sorry.

You can never understand how important the bond is that you have with your sister.

You will never understand the way I do.

I could never live with myself if I knew, in some way, I might be coming between you or the cause of any of that.

And what I did was a mistake, and it's the worst fucking mistake I have ever made.

But I didn't...

Oh, fuck.

I didn't sleep with your sister

'cause I wanted to sleep with your sister.

I slept with your sister because I can't be with you.

I have to go.

Where are you going?

I don't know.

You gonna come back?

I made some potatoes if you want some.



I'm sorry.


Have you thought about what you're gonna do, you know, if there's a baby?

Not really.

'Cause I was just thinking that I wouldn't want you to... feel alone, you know?

And if you wanted any help that that would be something I could do.

You know that I could help you raise the baby.

I have a spare room.

Are you sure that's what you'd be up for, want to do, could bite off?

I don't know.

Yeah, I think it is.

I could do the 3:00 a.m. Feed, you know?

I don't know.

I've just been thinking about it.

It's whatever you want.

I think I'd like that.



Thanks, just, you know, for the offer, even, even if there is no baby.

It's okay.

Warm up?


I'm sorry.

It's okay.

Here comes the milk police car.

Here comes the milk race car.

Whoever has the sun, turn it on!



Fuck you.

Fuck you!

I think if you see two together, it's good luck.

The crows?

Yeah, and one is a spirit guide.



I have something I want to say to you guys, okay?

I'm unemployed, and I'm financially unstable, and I am emotionally, at best, precarious, at worst, a cripple.

And I'm not in a place in my life to be any sort of father figure, potentially.

And I'm certainly, as your best friend, no one I would recommend as a boyfriend.

And that sucks, because you... might be carrying my baby, and I'm in love with your sister.


I'm tired of being dead, and I want to come back to life.

So if there, you know, is a baby in there, you absolutely should have that.

And I would love to help if you want me... not pushy, just available, be it friend or uncle or dad-ish, on some level.

And you.

I don't deserve you.

But I would give you every fucking thing that I have.

And if you guys would consider having me, I'm asking for a shot.

I love you.

And I love you.

Come here.

Come on. Come on.

Come on. Don't be silly.

Come here, sperm stealer.

Okay. Okay.

All right, all right, all right, all right, all right.

♪ ♪

♪ When I was playin' dead ♪

♪ I'd lie down ♪

♪ I wouldn't move ♪

♪ Though everything else was ♪

♪ The swing set ♪

♪ Kids playin' catch with their dads ♪

♪ No one noticed yet that I was gone ♪

♪ Then she came along ♪

♪ And, love, I got you, didn't I? ♪

♪ I got you, didn't I? ♪

♪ I got you ♪

♪ And, love, I got you, didn't I? ♪

♪ I got you, didn't I? ♪

♪ I got you ♪

♪ ♪

♪ When I was playin' dead ♪

♪ I'd lie down ♪

♪ I wouldn't move ♪

♪ Though everything else was ♪

♪ The swing set ♪

♪ Kids playin' catch with their dads ♪

♪ No one noticed yet ♪

♪ When I was alive ♪

♪ I didn't know why I died ♪

♪ I guess I thought everything was that way ♪

♪ Your hair is gray ♪

♪ In other lights, it's black ♪

♪ And when you laugh ♪

♪ still brings me back ♪

♪ And, love, I got you, didn't I? ♪

♪ I got you, didn't I? ♪

♪ I got you ♪

♪ And, love, I got you, didn't I? ♪

♪ I got you, didn't I? ♪

♪ You got me ♪

♪ ♪