Zack and Miri Make a Porno (2008) Script

[BELLS TOLLlNG]

[HORN HONKlNG]

MAN: You little motherfucker!

Get up' Zack.


Come on, l don't wanna be late for work.

MlRl: Ahh! Get out! Jesus, fuck!

Close the door if you're gonna take a shit. lt was closed. Lt was closed over, it was not closed.

Close the door' Zack! Okay, okay.

MlRl: God. Fine.

What's that thing? Lt's a hand warmer.

[SlGHS]

We're going now.

You smell that? ls that the car? Fuck. Oh, goddamn it.

What? What? Oh, it's wedged in my taint.

What is? Lt got wedged in my taint.

What? Lt's stuck under my balls. lt's between my balls and my leg. What's happening?

Please, pull over. Pull the fuck over! All right, all right! Jesus, all right!

ZACK: lt's about to move up to my ass. MlRl: What?

ZACK: The movement makes it hotter.

It's tucked under them. It's stuck under them.

[GRUNTlNG]

Oh' fuck.

I think l burned my ball hair off.

[LAUGHlNG]

It's not funny.

Can you help me pick out an outfit for tonight?

I'm working till 6.

Well' l can try stuff on at the store. The store?

No, how about instead, you get a friend?

But you are my friend.

I mean a girl friend, jeez.


[JAZZ MUSlC PLAYlNG OVER SPEAKERS]

Mr. Delaney, can you work for me tomorrow?

Tomorrow's Thanksgiving.

Then you must come in the next day, I tell you. lt's Black Friday. Black Friday?

It's the biggest mall-shopping day of the year.

And since the mall is just up the street, I would like you to come out and work.

On Black Friday. Oh, yeah.

All right, you want me to work on Moolie Monday too? l'm sorry? How about Nigga Tuesday?

Nigga Tuesday? Is this a new holiday? You come to a brother and tell him he gotta work on Black Friday. You got any idea how racist that sounds?

Telling me to work. What, you think you own me? l never said this, l tell you. But you thought it, didn't you?

You thought, "l'm gonna lay down the law for this nigga, l put food on his table, clothes on his nigga baby backs, and he ain't gonna say shit."

This ain't Amistad. You shut up.

You goddamn right this ain't Amistad. I can't wait till the post office settles my disability suit because then I'm gonna be out this motherfucker.

I'm gonna be Oprah rich. Y'all can kiss my ass.

You know what? Fuck you. Fuck you, and suck cock.

To hell with you. DELANEY: To hell with you.

Zachary will work. Zack' my boy. Yeah.

The customer with the harelip... Oh, yeah.

Speak me, say you were playing baseball here the other night.

Wiffle ball. And' uh' no' that wasn't me.

Maybe the harelip makes it sound like "baseball."

ZACK: Yeah, maybe you hear with an accent.

Fuck you, okay? Okay.

One day' l'm gonna put a camera over there' and then l can tell...

I'll know everything you do when l'm gone.

Everything. Scratch your balls, take a shit, everything, l tell you, okay?

Okay. Fucker.

I hate both of you ebony and ivory motherfuckers, l tell you.

Why is he so fucking high-strung? "Fuck off, l tell you. Very good."

Can you believe that Gandhi motherfucker, telling me l gotta work on Black Friday?

Ain't that some shit?

Yeah. Like l don't wanna do shopping.

Biggest sales day of the year. l'm getting a flat-screen TV, believe that.

That's my fault, l should tell you. l asked for Friday morning off, I'm sorry.

For what? L actually need a lot of recovery time.

Tonight is me and Miri's ten-year high school reunion.

I'm just gonna get fucking alcohol poisoning.

Reunion? Tomorrow's Thanksgiving. Lsn't that fucked up that they do that?

They say it's the best chance to get everyone together.

People come back in town for the holidays.

But they could have it in the middle of the summer at a blowjob contest that l was judging' and it would still be retarded.

So why you going, then? Miri's making me go.

Why you always bending over backwards for that girl' knowing she ain't giving up no ass? We got a good thing going.

She pays half the rent, does dishes, she wakes me up in the morning.

Why complicate that with sex?

Besides, man, l've known her since the first grade.

You don't fuck someone you met in the first grade.

Excuse me, I met my wife in kindergarten.

We got married senior year, and she has been the queen of my world ever since.

What if you could do it all over again? L'd jerk off and live by myself.

That woman is the bane of my existence.

See? Excuse me, can l get a coffee, black?

Can't you see we talking, white?

ZACK: lf you're gonna continue to emasculate me with this Barbie dress-up shit'

I'm using your laptop.

Don't forget to smack it when you turn it on, otherwise the screen doesn't come on.

[COMPUTER PLAYS FANFARE]

Why don't you spring and get a new one?

Same reason l don't spring for clothes for tonight, l'm broke.

There's a chick who works at Teen Juice at the mall, you know.

I gave her a good deal on yarn, so she's letting me borrow this stuff. Yo, bro.

[ZACK LAUGHlNG]

MlRl: What? You're buying a vibrator online.

What's wrong with the one you have? MlRl: lt died last week.

Look at the size of those fucking panties.

Shoot that shit. Shoot it.

ZACK: My God, who even knew Amazon sold shit like this?

This is incredible.

Those are fucking granny panties. MlRl: Okay, A, I don't appreciate you violating the sanctity of my Amazon Wish List page' and B, l'm not buying that thing from Amazon, because it turns out I don't have a credit card they take.

[ZACK GRUNTS]

Oh, shit. L'm sorry, guys. Am l in the way?

You're a fucking faggot, all right? Let's go to Starbucks.

He's a shitty barista anyways. Cock.

And he throws like a bitch. ZACK: You know what else I throw?

My nut sack in your coffees, so how did that taste, fucker?

We saw your girlfriend in her underwear, cunt nugget.

Well' too bad she's not my girlfriend, you little fuck... Oh, they're gone.

MlRl: Are you still talking to me?

Uh, just said, l'm gonna look up more fuck toys on Amazon.

Oh' holy shit.

They sell the Fleshlight here too. What's that?

It's a fucking pocket pussy that is shaped like a flashlight

"for discretionary jacking off."

That way if you get caught, no one thinks it's weird.

You're just a guy who likes to fuck his flashlight.

I am totally buying this shit.

Whoa, if you've got money to burn, how about paying the electric bill?

That's due already? November's is probably due now, but I was talking about September's. Tell me this doesn't rock.

You kind of look like Ronald McDonald.

That makes me want some McNuggets.

Why would you wanna buy a pocket pussy anyway? That is so sad.

What? Excuse me, I forgot about the nobility that accompanies coming with a fucking vibrator.

Think a kid in Darfur gets saved every time a vibrator makes you come? No.

"Real feel action"? Oh, my God. Yeah.

If you start fucking machines, I'm moving out.

What do you think a vibrator is? It's a machine.

How come you get to fuck something with a motor in it?

I've never met a man who can make me come like a vibrator does.

That's bullshit. You get to be Buck Rogers having sex in the 25th century with fucking Twiki and Dr. Theopolis.

I'm stuck to a bottle of Jergens in the bathroom.

Holy bejesus. You do not use my Jergens to jack it in our bathroom.

ZACK: No, you know what l do actually, is l light a bunch of candles and l sprawl out on my sheets and l listen to Sting.

No, l'm a guy. Give me two Popsicle sticks and a rubber band, I'll find a way to fuck it, like a filthy MacGyver.

Oh' my God, l'm so glad l'm not a guy. How about this?

I don't get why you're putting so much effert into this thing.

I thought we were just gonna go to sit around and make fun of everybody.

I can't wear anything that l already own and expect to bring home Bobby Long.

Bobby fucking Long? No way. Didn't that guy call you "Stinky Linky"?

Yeah, that was then, okay?

Maybe now he can save me a fortune in Amazon bills.

Maybe you can fuck our landlord so we can at least keep a roof over our heads.

You don't have the rent? Zack, it's your month.

Hey, l bought skates with last week's paycheck and l need those to skate with. Oh.

And this week's will barely cover the past two water bills, so...

Is this sexy?

Yeah, in like a To Catch a Predator kind of way' it is pretty fucking sexy.

Then we're done.

[SHOWER SPLASHlNG AND PlPES CREAKlNG]

What the fuck? Zack.

You want me to come in? What happened to the water?

They shut it off. Oh, shit. Just, uh...

Help me get this shit out of my hair. Just use the water out of the toilet.

There's poo in there. Not that part.

The back part of the toilet thing. Oh, that makes sense.

MlRl: Take the cup there and then scoop it in, there you go.

Here, l'll lean back and you can just' you know, pour it down like... Like that.

ZACK: You're harshing my buzz' you know.

This is so lame. Don't look. Don't look.

Don't look.

Whoa!

All right, one hour tops, then we're gone.

Or I had an idea.

We could just not go at all, which would rock.

Even though we're broke and we've never amounted to anything, we're still better than these people, right?

No. Not at all. We're probably not even as good as most of them, unless one of them is a crackhead or something.

Just tell me l'm prettier than when we graduated.

You look about the same.

Definitely not prettier, but around the same.

I'm thinner, though' right? A little?

Not really.

Well' good pep talk. Fuck.

[lNAUDlBLE DlALOGUE]

Ta-da. Ta-da.

You don't recognize us' do you? Um, no, sorry.

Zack Brown, Miri Linky.

Were you the one they called Stinky Linky?

Oh' no' no one ever called me that.

Oh.

Great. What does yours say? What the fuck? Come on. l'm sure l had a nickname. Nothing? All right, you have a great time' and before you go, don't forget your copy of The Roving Roe-Ver.

What the fuck's this shit?

That is not shit, that would be our bi-monthly newsletter.

Awesome. BETSY: lt updates you on what everyone's doing. Finally.

I love your enthusiasm. Here you go. Write your e-mail address on that and l'll be sure to add you to our 800-member-strong mailing list.

We had 800 people in our graduating class?

Yes, and only 250 R.S.V.P .'d. Doesn't that suck, Mary?

Miri. You married, Bets? l am. Two kids. Wow, that's beautiful.

Awesome. You wanna fuck me later?

Uh, no, I'm married. Okay, cool. lf you change your mind, l'll be in there getting shitfaced. He will.

Just so you know, l eat the pussy. He does.

Ah, tempting. Again, no.

Shall we? Sir. Bye, Bets.

Think about it.

[DJ KOOL'S "LET ME CLEAR MY THROAT" PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]


BARTENDER: Enjoy.

Can l get two beers' please? You want a beer?

Yeah. Three beers.

Thank you. BARTENDER: Here you go.

Is that Zack? Or am I Zack? Whoa, ho, ho.

MlRl: Oh' wow.

Never gets old, huh? The other Zack.

Oh' in my world, nobody calls me "the other Zack," now that this guy's not around anymore, huh?

Get the fuck off of me. There can be only one.

What? Highlander, man? The Kurgan.

Remember? I'd yell it at you whenever we passed each other in the hallway?

Like it was yesterday' man. Awesome. Awesome.

Awesome. God, you guys have so much to catch up on. Whoo.

No. L'm gonna let you get to it.

Bitch.

[MARCY PLAYGROUND'S "SEX AND CANDY" PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]

Have you seen that big blowup picture they have of me?

Yeah, it's...

My hair is terrible. l can't believe I even wore my hair like that.

That's before l knew about styling products' you know.

It makes a big difference in life. But you live and learn, though' right?

I mean, ten years ago, Pittsburgh, who knew anything about fashion?

Back in the day' our hairstyle, oh...

Hey, stranger.

Whoa. Stinky Linky. Yeah. Although it's just Miri now.

Give me a hug. Oh, okay.

Hi, heh, heh, heh. Hi.

Wow.

How have you been? Great, great.

Yeah? You look fantastic.

Wow, that is not something that you would have said to me ten years ago.

Well' l've grown up. Yes. Yes, you have.

You just look...

Ooh, heh, heh.

Well' listen to you. Thank you. No, don't thank me, just fuck me.

[LAUGHlNG]

[LEN'S "STEAL MY SUNSHlNE" PLAYlNG OVER SPEAKERS]

Roxanne. Hey.

Someone l like, what are the odds' huh?

Zack Brown, we had four years of Spanish together.

Why does no one recognize me?

Am l thinner? ls that it? Look at him.

Who? My stupid husband.

No fucking shit. John Butterfield? You actually married John Butterfield?

That's amazing. Don't ever get married.

It sucks. You stop appreciating each other and run out of shit to talk about after the first year. But look at him now, chatty as fuck.

Flirting up a storm with that cheerleader nimrod Monica Von.

You want me to maybe flirt with you so he can see it, even it up a bit?

I don't wanna get even.

If l was gonna do anything, I'd wanna one-up the asshole.

You can give me a handjob in the girls' locker room.

Fine, but make it fast. Fuck, yeah.

Are you staying in town for a while or...?

Just tonight. l fly back to L.A. tomorrow.

L.A., wow, Los Angeles. Gosh' Bobby Long' coming up in the world.

With Mrs. Long, l bet, huh? No, no, no. No Mrs. Long for me.

Then can I be honest with you? Sure.

Um...

Whew. l think l need a drink.

Do you need a drink? Because l need a drink to say this. l've got a beer already, so... Oh, great, thank you.

I think there's a cigarette butt in there.

Yup.

Sorry about the elbow.

[BRONSKl BEAT'S "SMALLTOWN BOY" PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]

There can be only one.

Can l get a beer, please?

Thank you very much.

Oh' Jesus Christ.

My friend's making an ass of herself hitting on her high school crush.

Oh' God' that's so sad.

It's so Miri, is what it is. I'm Zack, by the way.

Brandon.

Don't worry, we weren't in the same class or anything.

Okay. Lucky you. Are you a Monroe-ver?

Well' l went here' let's just leave it at that, l guess.

Do you have one of the large blown-up pictures of your younger self hanging around here? L do, kind of. Right there.

BRANDON: Gorgeous. Good times.

What do you do? What brings you here?

I came with somebody who went to school here.

Really? Bobby Long.

No shit. That's who my friend's hitting on right now. See right there?

Really. One dressed like Hannah Montana?

In L.A., we call that look "Nickelodeon chic."

Wait, L.A.? Los Angeles? California.

That's awesome, man. What do you do out there? l'm an actor. Wow, that's really impressive.

Thank you, thank you. Ln fucking movies?

"Fucking movies." Pretty much.

Look at you. What...? Anything l've seen? What movies?

Oh' all sorts of movies with all-male casts.

All-male casts. Like Glengarry Glen Ross? Like that?

Like Glen and Gary Suck Ross' Meaty Cock and Drop Their Hairy Nuts in His Eager Mouth.

ls that like a sequel? Sort of. lt's a re-imagining. Oh, like The Wiz.

More erotic and with less women.

No women' to be exact.

I apologize in advance if l am out of line here, but are you in gay porn?

Guilty as charged. Are you fucking with me? l thought you recognized me, that's... Oh, okay, l get it.

You're not in my demographic' so l'm not insulted.

Not really. Who's your demographic? Do you love pussy? l do. Then not you.

Oh' okay.

I came here tonight hoping to seduce you and bring you back to my apartment and sleep with you to, uh, get back at you, you know, for calling me Stinky Linky all those years ago.

Wow.

That is a weird revenge plot.

You must be a terrible lay for that. What? No, l'm great.

I mean, l've had enough practice and everything. That...

Wow, that sounded not good.

I fuck a lot. That's what l meant to say. That doesn't sound good either. Wow.

You're a lot funnier than l remember.

Thank you. Gosh, you turned out to be such a nice guy.

It just... You know' it makes it even easier to just... To just say this.

Would you like to come back to my place and maybe open a bottle of wine and have ourselves a real high school reunion? l... Hello, Miriam.

Beat it, we're talking. l wanted to introduce you to Brandon. Salutations.

Bobby's boyfriend. Bobby who?

Bobby me. Bobby Long.

Brandon is the star of such adult fare as... What was that one called again?

You Better Shut Your Mouth or l'm Gonna Fuck lt.

That's right. l'm surprised l forgot that.

Are you fucking with me?

No, they're fucking with each other.

Oh' my God.

No. What?

Granny Panties?

Excuse me? How can you tell?

This is so crazy.

I was literally just watching you, like, right before we got here.

This is so crazy. This is you, right?

TEEN 1 [ON VlDEO]: My name's Granny Panties, and nobody wants to fuck me.

TEEN 2: Nothing's whiter than my big gay ass...

Where'd you get that?

Oh' l entered "gay" and "ass," and it was the top hit.

It's had 200,000 views in three hours. Honey' you are, like...

I'm jealous right now because you're, like, super famous.

Baby, please take our picture. I get a picture with Granny Panties.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is awesome.

All right, smile. Okay' got it. Did you get it?

Oh, thank you very much. E-mail me that.

Oh' because he's the worst photographer. Okay' good.

You're gay? Yeah.

And l'm on the lnternet wearing a diaper?

Who knew you'd come to Pittsburgh and meet a celebrity?

I'm gonna binge-drink now until I pass out.

Okay. She'll be fine. So you guys suck each other's cocks, huh?

Oh' like crazy.

[LAUGHlNG]

Okay, that's enough, l think.

I'm embarrassing him. I love when he's embarrassed.

He's not living out loud, so he gets all like, ooh.

You are totally in love, aren't you? Zachary' we are.

Wow, l...

Oh' God' l just wanna eat him up, yum, yum.

Save some for me' yum, yum, yum. l can't keep my hands off him. You've had one too many.

Although he does most of the eating in the sack. In the sack and of the sack.

All right, that's enough. Look, you've drunk too much.

You do this every time. You get too Mary for everybody in the room and you can't contain yourself. Oh, l'm sorry.

And by containing myself, do you mean containing myself in a closet?

In a closet of denial? ls that...? No, no, no.

Holy shit, this just got real.

This is exactly why you haven't met my mother.

You don't know how to ease people into this situation.

You just force your way in every time. L thought, maybe for one second in this godforsaken town, I could be myself. l'm so sorry.

No, you're right' l should just butch up and pretend that l don't love it when you shove your dick in my mouth.

This is the best night of my life. BRANDON: Am l making a spectacle? l could make a much bigger scene. You really are.

I'm sorry. Pittsburgh. Listen up' Monroe-vers.

My name is Brandon St. Randy' and l love Bobby Long.

Fucking A. BRANDON: ls that enough?

Is that enough of a scene? I could start doing worse than that.

The reason you haven't taken me to your mother's...

Your mother with her makeup and all her drinking, she's in the closet too.

They fight just like real people. L thought l'd be a conduit for you...

Thank you.

Are you being sarcastic? No, I'm not.

Thank you. L love you. l'll e-mail you. Zack, it was so nice to meet you.

And l will be patient with you. I will be there on your journey.

I will be your Sherpa up the mountain of gayness.


Well' might as well see how many hits Granny Panties is up to, huh?

[COMPUTER PLAYS FANFARE]

Did l do that?

[MUSlC PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]

Thanks, George.

What kind of evil fucks turn off your power the day...?

No, the night before Thanksgiving? Who does that?

Can you get an advance on your card?

Fleshlight maxed-out my $200 limit. Not a wise purchase, l'll give you that.

This is bad. lf we don't come up with rent, we're gonna get locked out.

Who the fuck wants to live there? There's no water or power.

Which means by the time we get home, there's no heat either.

Well' l think it's time we put what we always talked about into effect.

You're gonna have to start hooking. You know, you jest, but these are the exact circumstances people find themselves in right before they start having sex for money.

Yeah. Or making porn.

ZACK: Oh, my God, yeah. What? You got an idea?

We could make a porno.

Not the idea l was looking for. What?

No, that is a fucking awesome idea. Are you shitting me? That's a rad idea.

That guy, Brandon St. Randy, who's Bobby Long's awesome nice boyfriend, he said he makes a hundred grand a year because he shoots and distributes his own porno flicks.

If it's so easy, how come everybody doesn't do it?

Because other people have options and dignity, which we do not have, which puts us in an amazingly advantageous position.

Fuck you, I have dignity.

Where? ls it hidden in your gigantic underpants that are plastered all over the lnternet? Is that where you hide your dignity?

Every woman has a pair of those period panties. That's, like, a fact.

Okay. Families.

I bet people don't make porno, because they have families.

But luckily, your parents are dead. Sorry. My grandparents are dead.

Sorry. Thank you.

So who are we gonna disappoint? Porn has gone mainstream now.

It's like Coca-Cola or Pepsi with dicks in it. Look at Paris Hilton.

She throat-fucks a guy in night vision, now she's selling fragrances to tweens.

And l'm pretty sure she's legally retarded.

That's for tweens?

Have you seen that Joe Francis guy who made Girls Gone Wild?

That guy is the biggest fucking idiot piece of shit in the world and he has a jet and a fucking island.

Look, there's got to be a less extreme solution to our financial woes here.

Give me a better option. Get a paper route. l don't have a bike. Be a waiter.

No one wants me around their food. Would you eat food that l gave you?

I would not eat food that you gave me, that's true.

MlRl: l mean, nobody wants to see us fuck, Zack.

ZACK: Everybody wants to see anybody fuck. I hate Rosie O'Donnell, but if someone said' "l got a tape of Rosie O'Donnell getting fucked stupid,"

I'd be like, "Why aren't we watching that right now?"

Because she's famous. Hello.

So are you. You're fucking Granny Panties.

My underwear and your ass are famous' we're not.

So who the F would wanna watch us fuck?

At least 800 people. The jerks we went to school with?

Are you serious? Of course.

If you heard that someone we graduated with was in a fucking porno movie, you'd watch it, right?

I'd watch that guy Brandon suck a cock, l just met him.

With this mailing list, we have almost a thousand people that would definitely buy a porno we were in just to be like, "Hey, l sat next to that guy in Civics. Look at his fucking dick."

We sell a thousand copies at 20 bucks a pop, bam' we have paid off our bills.

ZACK: So' what do you think? L don't think l wanna fuck a stranger.

Oh' wow, like you've never done that before.

How many guys have you met in a bar, taken home, banged with your mouth and then never talked to again?

That's what we call a stranger.

Dude, l don't one-night mouth-fuck anybody that l pick up in bars.

You don't wanna fuck a stranger in the porno movie for some weird reason.

I guess...

We could fuck.

Ew. Fuck you.

I mean, you're a nice-enough-looking guy and everything...

Holy fuck, thank you. You're an all-right-enough-looking girl.

How does that feel? Dude' l'm just saying it'd be weird and wrong, you know, like fucking my brother.

Okay, seriously, we're just talking about sex, okay?

It's for a purpose. lt's for getting rich. Only my dick and your pussy would be doing something weird. Our bodies and brains would be acting.

Wow. Just explain to your private beforehand, "Look' this doesn't mean anything. We're just doing this for cash."

Oh, my God. What?

You're just doing this because you've always wanted to fuck me, aren't you?

Yes. l've gone my whole life pretending that l want nothing to do with you, just hoping one day we'd be in such dire financial straits that l could use it to finally make my move on you.

MlRl: You're just being sarcastic. L am.

See' l was pretending to cry right there.

MlRl: I guess it's not like it'd be creepy, like if we got way too drunk one night and accidentally fucked, you know?

No. We'd be going in with the understanding that it's...

A business decision.

Strictly a business decision. It's a means to an end.

Right. And by end, I mean, l'll be waxing your ass.

Fuck you. I'm not even letting you see my ass.

I've seen your ass and the rest of you naked around a billion times already.

That goes both ways, buddy. You've never seen my dick.

Have you seen my dick? You've never seen my dick.

Are you kidding? That party we went to where you got blasted, and Houls dared you to give yourself head, and we all watched you try for, like, an hour.

Oh' yeah. Thanks by the way, for fucking letting me do that. Thank you.

Oh' God. We really do know too much about each other.

See' and this would really just be one more thing.

I mean, look at us. lt's Thanksgiving and we're huddled around a flaming fucking garbage can like a couple of steno bums.

I mean, this could give us a chance to pay off our debt, pay our bills, get a fucking nicer apartment with heat in it maybe.

What are you doing?

Miriam Linky, will you have sex with me on camera for money?

I will.

DELANEY: A producer? ZACK: Yeah.

Guy who gets to finance the movie. You think l got that kind of money?

We just need that. What you're about to spend on the flat screen.

Now l can't get my flat screen? Fuck that.

No, no, no. With your cut of the profits, you're gonna get two flat screens.

One in your living room, one in your bathroom.

One in the bathroom?

You know, it's always been my dream to watch shit while l shit.

Everyone with an ass loves to watch shit while they shit. l'm gonna make that happen for you. L don't know, man.

What else the producer do?

Um, they help with the casting. What's casting?

Finding the people to be in the movie. l get to help pick the women? Yeah.

Like, l can look at a titty, make sure there ain't no moles on there?

You can look at both titties, man. Man.

I've been looking at the same busted titties for the past almost 20 years. l'm due for another new titty. Please help us. Please.

Please.

Yes. Yes. l love you.

Well' don't mind that smell.

We had some homeless people squatting in here.

You know, they'd void their bowels everywhere but the bathroom.

Anyway, you pick up the poop and you've got yourself a movie studio.

Why don't we shoot in your apartment?

No power. You wanna pay our electric bill?

You motherfuckers... We'll take it.

[WHlSTLE BLOWS]

MAN 1: Bring it back. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

DEACON: Oh' Jesus. Oh' Jesus.

Oh' God. Come on.

Why the fuck do l have to do everything? Fuckers.

[CROWD CHEERS]

MAN 2: Hey, what is that?

DEACON: Fucking guys. This fucking team, man. They fucking suck.

[MAN 2 SHOUTlNG INDlSTlNCTLY]

I'm gonna hatefuck the shit out of you, ref.

Dude. Lt's cool.

He's my cousin. Hey.

Didn't you used to videotape the varsity basketball games in high school?

Just the away games. l did it because I was trying to fuck a cheerleader.

Which one?

Whichever one wanted to fuck the guy who taped the varsity games.

Aw. Still know how to work a camera?

Who cares what the title is? The porn I liked when l was a kid, it was always, like, a spoof of a popular movie, you know?

Like, um, Edward Penishands.

Okay, so we need a mildly clever, vaguely dirty title, that sounds like a real movie and sums up what you're gonna see. Correct.

An American Werewolf in Brenda?

Fuckback Mountain?

Too soon? A Cock-in-Lips Now? MlRl: Next.

Cradle the balls. Work the shaft.

Jerk my come-crayon and let me color you white.

I need cock and l need it now.

I'm fucking you in the puss.

I'm fucking you in the puss.

It's "puss" as in pussy.

Oh' because l was like' who would wanna fuck puss?

I want to slam my ham in your can, woman. Scene.

This guy is amazing. This guy's great-looking too.

I wanna fuck him.

DELANEY: Hi, my name's Delaney and l'm a producer.

I really don't know what it means. l'm gonna be honest' this is my first time.

You don't have to worry, l'm not gonna touch you or nothing like that.

All right. L have a wife, you know.

We're happy. l mean, not happy' but it's cool, you know.

Just so you know, there will be some fucking.

We'll talk about that if you get the part. Okay.

I mean, not... We won't be fucking, there'll be fucking in the movie.

Like l said' l got a wife. She don't play that shit.

She is a crazy bitch. Yep.

It's my job as the producer to see what you got.

So if that makes you uncomfortable in any way, you don't have to show me anything you don't wanna show me, because...

I love the movies.

Lawrence of a Labia. No.

Oh, come on. Dawn of the Dick.

Yeah, but how are zombies doing it at all sexy?

I want to eat your brain and your ass.

[GROANlNG]

Dude. Sci-fi.

Yeah. Close Encounters With a Turd From Behind. l don't know what that means. Just asses.

Fucking deep in asses.

[TECHNO MUSlC PLAYlNG OVER SPEAKERS]

What?

We're making a porno and we just need to know what you would be or would not be interested in doing.

If anything.

No anal. Oh, definitely no anal.

Anal and hugging.

I don't do ass stuff.

Anal. Ah, fuck.

Oh, wait, oral. l like anal. Yay.

Okay, well, so, uh, do you have any special skills?

Special skills?

I can get a boner really quick and it sticks straight up. ls that really a special skill? L think.

Can you show us what you mean? Sure.

Oh' that is special.

[ZACK CHUCKLES]

Yeah, you're hired, Mr....

Who are you again? Lester.

Lester "The Molester" Cockinshtuff.

No. Wow.

That is the best porn name I've ever heard' man.

I can have a porn name?

Then l'll be Pete Jones. Okay.

Are you Granny Panties?

She is. Get the fuck out of here.

The panties are actually in the house. l'll get them. Whoa.

Star Sex 2: The Wrath of Cunt. MlRl: We never made a Star Sex 1.

I guess we can lose Star Sex 3: The Search for Cock, then.

Cocunt. What's that?

It's Cocoon with a cunt.

[LAUGHlNG]

So Delaney tells us you have a special talent of some sort.

I don't know if l'd call it a special talent, but it's a little something l picked up doing bachelor parties.

It would probably be easier if l just showed you.

Great. The floor is yours.

So a movie, huh? That could be fun.

Holy fuck.

Her name's Bubbles. lnvasion of the Potty-Snatchers? That's like MAD Magazine stupid.

Well' fuck you' okay? You try to think of a good sci-fi porno title. lt's hard.

MlRl: There's gotta be one we haven't thought of that would say it all' not be ridiculously filthy and off-putting, and still have instant recognition with our audience. l got it. L got it.

Star Whores. Yeah. lt's funny' right?

See' we figured this opens us up to an even bigger sales market beyond the people we went to school with.

People who like comics and sci-fi.

Comics? Like "Ziggy"?

"Ziggy"? ls that even in fucking papers anymore? No, man.

Fuck you. "Ziggy" is a comic' right next to "Family Circus."

No, like Spider-Man and shit, you know?

There's always a shitload of Star Wars nerds at those comic-book shows.

So we sell them a Princess Leia they can really fucking jerk off to.

That'd be me, Princess Lay-Her. Who am l playing?

You' my friend, are the lead role of Lubed Guy-Baller.

Man' he's gonna be balling dudes?

I thought you said this was boys on girls.

If l have to fuck a guy' okay, but I'd rather fuck a girl.

What's wrong with you, boy?

We'll change the name to Sky-Baller. Sky-Baller.

I will be Hung So-low.

Delaney, my friend, you are On-Ur-Knees Bend-Over.

Man' l can't be in no porno. My wife will kill me.

Hump me, On-Ur-Knees Bend-Over. You're my only hump.

On the other hand, fuck my wife.

Unfortunately, On-Ur-Knees Bend-Over does not have any sex in the movie but the droids do, I-CUP and R2-T-Bag.

I robot.

And Stacey over here is gonna play Darth Vibrator. l'm the bad guy? She's not a guy, Zack.

I know that because l'm not a fucking idiot.

In our movie, Darth Vibrator is a bad girl who wants to fuck the galaxy, literally' and it's up to Lubed and Hung to stop her with their cocks.

You and me get to have sex, then? Yeah.

Cool. L know. lsn't that awesome?

Hold up, hold up. So who's all having sex with who in this movie?

As of last night, I was having sex with Zack.

What? Han Solo ain't never had no sex with Princess Leia in the Star Wars.

ZACK: Guys' this isn't a literal adaptation here.

It's more of an erotic re-imagining.

Kind of like The Wiz or like a parody. With lots of anal.

Cool. L know, isn't that awesome?

I have a question, do Princess Lay-Her and Lubed Sky-Baller have sex?

Uh, no, because they're brother and sister, and according to Miri' brothers and sisters can't fuck.

But you said, that this wasn't a literal translation, so that means Lester's character could have sex with Miri's character.

Because l would love to fucking eat her ass and fuck her silly in the movie.

Dream on, pal, it's never gonna happen, okay?

No, I'm fine with it. See' she's fine... Wait, what?

Yep. l mean, everyone else is having sex with more than one person in this movie all of a sudden, so l think it's' you know' not fair if l'm only fucking you.

Guys, read amongst yourselves, okay? Can l talk to you for a sec?

Look, Miri, we got plenty of sex going on in this thing, you don't have to do that.

Zack, it's fine. l mean I have slept with way worse-looking guys than Lester.

I just wanna do my part for the movie like everyone else.

You're having sex in the movie, you don't need to fuck someone else.

You're good. L'm only fucking you' though.

So don't we need to vary it up to keep it fair?

Fair for...? l don't... What? Fair for who?

What are these, blood diamonds we're talking about?

Fair for everyone else who is fucking more than one person, a.k.a. you' in the movie. l mean, fine... All right. l mean, if you don't care...

I don't fucking care if you fuck him. Fuck. l don't give a shit.

Like you said, you know, you've fucked bigger idiots than Lester.

Holy shit. Are we really gonna shoot this in outer space?

Maybe not bigger idiots.


[MOUTHS] Thank you.


Cut. All right, guys, that's it. Yeah.

Make sure you leave your costume so we know they're here for tomorrow.

Mostly, everybody, thank you so much for helping us get ready' you know.

Cleaning this place out, building the sets, sewing the costumes, it's just...

I mean, it's really amazing. Thank you.

ZACK: Seriously, thanks.

But this is just the beginning, guys. If Star Whores works, and it will' we are set up for sequels galore. The Empire Strikes Ass.

Return of the Brown-Eye. The Phantom Man-Ass.

And Revenge of the Shit: The All-Anal Final Chapter.

Okay. Revenge of the Shit.

You got it? Yeah, no, we got it.

Ew.

Fuck you, motherfuckers. We'll talk about that one.

We're gonna have a lot of fun' but more importantly, we're gonna make a lot of fucking money' okay?

Yeah. So get ready for greatness, people.

Tomorrow we start principal photography.

Whoo! Yeah.

All right, good night, you guys. We got a movie.

What? Nothing.

I think someone should acknowledge how insane and amazing this is and it's all because of you. L don't know. lt's just a porno.

You know what l mean. You've really come into your own.

Shut the fuck up.

So speaking of coming into things' ready for tomorrow? Twenty years' we're finally gonna know what it's like to have sex with each other.

You say that like you've been wondering what it'd be like to sleep with me for a while now.

Why the fuck do you think I started hanging out with you?

I knew it. Here, help.

Let's just promise that it's not gonna change anything between us, okay?

Like what? L don't know.

Some guys can't keep sex in perspective.

If anyone's gotta keep this in perspective, it's you, okay?

I don't want you getting all mushy and gooey on me after l give you the best orgasm you've ever had.

Oh' like you know what you're doing down there at all.

I actually don't. Where's the clitoris? Is it in your ass?

Just, you know, make sure you kind of whoop it up and act like I'm a stud who knows what he's doing' okay? Just be a pal.

Oh' dude, l am gonna Meryl Streep the fuck out of this tomorrow, you watch.

Thanks. You're welcome.

No. Really, thank you.

For everything.

You're welcome.

Less than 1 2 hours and we make Monroeville history. l really hope nothing goes wrong. Lt's a movie. What could go wrong?

ZACK: What are you doing?

DELANEY: What's up? What the fuck?

What are you doing?

What are you doing? Wait, wait.

Wait. Stop. Stop.

No, no, no. What the fuck is going on?

Condos is what's going on, as soon as this shit-hole's demo'd.

No, you gotta stop it right now.

We rented this place for a month from Mr. Jenkins.

Sounds like your Mr. Jenkins was full of shit.

Luxury Homesteads bought this place a month ago.

I'm gonna kill that lying old fuck.

You're gonna have to go Florida, that's where he moved.

We've got thousands of dollars of equipment in there.

Please. Lf you wanna sift through this rubble when we're done, be my guest. Hey, get that fucking beam down.

MlRl: This is the last thing you wanna hear.

If you don't get an advance, I don't think we're gonna keep a roof over our heads.

I got an advance already. It went into all the costumes.

So all our money's gone? All your money?

Never mind what my wife's gonna do when there ain't no new snow tires, or when she sees I charged a video camera.

I'm sorry I dragged you into this' man.

DELANEY: I just wanted to see some free titties.

That's all. But there's no such thing as free titties' is there, Zack? ls there? Fuck this noise.

Why don't we get another camera, and shoot something else?

Where are we gonna do that? Got another sound stage?

Sound stage? We had a shit-covered garage we turned into a sound stage.

We find someplace new and we do it again.

[DOOR SQUEAKS]

How? Okay, l'm broke, man.

No, make that' l was broke. Now l am really tapped out.

I have to get another job to pay Delaney back.

So please tell me, how can l afford to start over?

What can l get you? Yeah, can l get a, uh...?

Too fucking late. Cappuccino, 3.50.

I don't know what the fuck l was thinking.

I mean, l'm a total loser in every single other aspect of my life.

What made me think I could do something as simple as filming people fucking?

We have no money left, nowhere to shoot, no sets, we have no fucking cameras. Here.

It's time l go back to my regular life where l am a quiet fuckup who doesn't cost anybody any money and knows his goddamn position behind this fucking counter making cappuccinos for this fucking guy.

Oh' yeah. Oh, yeah.

What are you doing?

ZACK: Oh' yeah.

Yeah.

Fuck, yes.

Zack.

[CHUCKLES]

You sneaky lndian motherfucker. I tell you, yes.

Swallow My Cockuccino.

What? That's it. That's the movie.

Why didn't l think of it before? We don't need sets or a stage.

Look at all this production value, waiting to have balls on it.

Hold up. You wanna shoot a dirty movie here, where we work?

Yes.

Fuck, yes, l do. You know how many stories l have from working here?

How many times l've been laid right there after hours?

You've never gotten laid here after hours.

I know. Thank you for reminding me.

But l always wish l had, and that's what porno is. It's fantasy.

It's taking the normal and making it abnormal by fucking it.

Don't do that. The little dog don't like that.

How did you get a camera?

By being a terrible, untrustworthy employee, that's how.

Give me today, l'll bang out a script. Meet me back here after closing.

We're gonna launch arching ropes of jism all over this motherfucker. Peace.

I like that guy but if he tries to fuck that little dog tonight for real, I'm calling the Humane Society.

It's called Bean-N-Gone, so get the fuck out of here. Hey, Barry.

ZACK: Stand by, Stace' picture's up. Okay.

ZACK: Roll tape.

Swallow My Cockuccino, Scene 1 2, Take 1.

ZACK: And action.

I'd like a double espresso so l can stay up all night because l'm in the mood to fuck.

Well' l am a whore-ista, so l love to fuck. Would you like to fuck me?

Holy fuck. You mean, after you're done with your shift?

I mean during my shift.

Sorry. Keep going, keep going.

With your shaft.

Let us fuck.

Cue music.

[FUNK MUSlC PLAYlNG]

Okay, open up to camera, guys. Let us see it.

More tongue.

Little less tongue.

Oh' that was good.

[CASH REGlSTER BEEPlNG]

Cue effects.

[MOANlNG]

Oh' yeah, like that.

Oh' yeah.

See' l told you it would work. Didn't l tell you? lt looks amazing.

It's incredible.

STACEY: Oh' the beans hurt. Easy.

Move in for coverage. Nice.

That's why we got him.

Nice. l'm impressed. Get in there, Deacon.

Come on. Like that? Like that.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Look at that.

Pull out a bit, actually. STACEY: That's hot.

No, not you, Lester. Put it back in.

Kiss the muscle. l kiss the muscle. You kiss the muscle.

Can he slap her ass a little? Don't be a fucking pervert, dude.

Stir, come on. Stir. Yeah, stir it.

Stir it, baby.

Hey.

Holy. Shit.

Are you guys still open?

No. We close at 9.

I need coffee so l'm drive home.

Okay. Yeah. MAN: Thank you.

That's a cute kitty.

Okay.

Hey.

Hey. Hey.

You guys see the game? l was at it.

Fucking Roethlisberger, the quarterback, was all fucking'

"Hug it' chug it, football. All night." Heh-heh.

Okay, pal' here you go. On the house. l love you. L love you too. Have a good one.

Yeah, l'll have a cold one. L said, have a good one.

Oh.

Okay. Keep moving. MAN: You and your little dog.

Go Steelers.

Action.

Oh' yeah. Yeah, yeah, like that.

Oh' fuck it' chuck it' football. Oh' yeah.

BARRY: Oh' God' this is good.

[BARRY MOANlNG]

You take it. You take it. Take it, Barry. Oh, take it.

Take it, Barry. Take it.

I'm disturbed at how turned on l am by this.

Shit, dude' it's almost 6. Oh, fuck.

Okay, that's a wrap, everybody, yeah.

Let's give a hand to our hotties with the bodies from last night.

Stacey, Lester, Bubbles, Barry' whoo.

LESTER: Yeah. ZACK: Nice.

Okay, when we come back tonight, we finish up the venti-vulva scene' and then we get into me and Miri's stuff.

Again' amazing first night, everybody. Thank you so much.

Let us fuck.

Hey' how'd it look? How do you think it looked?

It looked like shit going into other shit, in focus.

What an artist. That was Kurosawa's motto. "Shit going into other shit."

Oh' man, I can't believe you gotta work now.

It's okay. You know, honestly, I don't think l could sleep. l'm pretty, like, pumped up right now. Right? lt was amazing.

It was awesome. I think the cast and crew had a good time.

We were getting great shit. Yeah, it was so fun.

I just wanna keep shooting people boning all day.

I don't think l've ever met the ambitious Zack Brown before.

Well' l'm trying to pay the bills, so... Lt's not a bad thing.

I think it looks good on you.


ZACK: Come on, hurry. Come on, come on' come on.

BUBBLES: Wait a minute.

You guys never did it before? MlRl: lt's fine.

You know, we talked about it and it's just for the movie.

We're friends' you know' we're just friends.

And we will always just be just friends, so...

Listen' l have some extra lube from last night.

I understand it's kind of hard getting wet when everyone's watching.

At least it was for Barry. l don't know if l am gonna need it. Really?

Yeah, l think l'm just excited.

Uh-huh.

At the idea of people watching' not because of Zack.

Oh' God. Zack could never have that effect on me in a million years.

Hello, Miriam. Oh, hey.

Wow.

Your face. Yeah. Weird, huh?

I don't think l've seen your face since senior year.

ZACK: I think l made a mistake.

I did it for you so you wouldn't get road rash during our scene, but I should have asked first' I look like a fucking beluga whale.

I think l'll be going now.

ZACK: Okay.

[CLEARlNG THROAT]

All l keep thinking is we should've done a trial run at home last week or something.

Oh, my God. Right? L know.

[LAUGHlNG]

You're still cool to do it, though, right? Yeah, um. Totally. Are you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, I'm, uh...

Honestly, I'm a little nervous, l guess. You are? lt's kind of a big deal. Lt is?

Yeah, you know, it's our first time together since our auspicious debut on viral video.

Oh' yeah.

That's a fuckload of pressure for a director.

As a director, please. What about the anxiety l'm feeling as an actress?

Did l pick the right project? Yeah. What about this follow-up?

Julia Roberts followed Pretty Waman with Sleeping With the Enemy.

I'm following Granny Panties with Swallow My Cockuccino.

Only difference is this movie's about cock-sucking and her movie just sucked cock, period.

The only difference, yeah. The end was pretty rad.

I liked that.

When she kills him. With a gun.

Yeah. Yeah.

She calls the cops first. She calls it in first. lt was so awesome. Awesome, yeah.

So l guess we should do this.

I think we should probably wait just until I lose another 20 or 30 pounds.

Stop it. You look good.

Thanks.

So, what about me? How do l look?

I mean, you look beautiful. You always look so beautiful, so l guess it's not a big deal, but you look amazing.

Okay. Let's go make a porno. Okay.

Swallow My Cockuccino, Scene 8, Take 1.

DEACON: Come here. L'm over...?

All right, settle.

Action.

[KNOCKlNG ON DOOR]

Who could it be?

Hi. Hi.

I'm a delivery man and l have some cream for you.

Wow, that cream looks heavy. You must be strong.

I work out.

So do you want me to give you your cream now?

I've been waiting for it all day.

Fuck. Come on. Oops.

[WHlSPERS] Keep going.

I spilled my cream. Do you mind?

I don't mind. Especially if you spill it on my face.

Let us fuck.

[ROCK MUSlC PLAYlNG]

Fix my shirt. Think l should? Okay.

Let me see them titties.

Actually, you know what? Sorry, I don't think we should show them.

What? We shouldn't show your breasts.

Aren't you gonna take your shirt off? L'm just gonna open it.

You're not gonna take it off? Why not?

My tits are bigger than yours. I don't wanna show that.

She's not gonna show her tits? I showed my cock and my asshole.

Okay, l'll do your pants. Back and forth. okay.

Holy shit. Where's that delivery?

I can't believe this. l was delivering cream, and look what's happening.

Jesus, what is that, a rumba? What's a rumba?

That awkward movement.

Should l take your underpants off? Yeah, take them off.

ZACK: What the fuck? How does this work?

They're just like... l'll do it. l'll do mine, you just... You do yours. L'll do my pants.

Granny panties.

Just get on with it already.

I'm gonna fuck you with my pecker.

Dude, that's really dirty.

That's too dirty? That offends me.

Penis? Fine. l'm gonna fuck you with my penis. L can't wait.

For my penis.

Be careful, Miri. Okay, there we go. Just keep rolling, keep rolling. l'll walk forward. Fucking cream is coming.

This is the worst porno I've ever seen.

MlRl: Get over here, delivery man. ZACK: Let's fuck on these beans.

[GRUNTlNG]

You okay? Yup.

ZACK: Okay' all right. Just leave them. Just leave them.

They're really distracting. You should leave them.

You gotta get your... There you go. ZACK: Okay' okay.

Okay, okay. Okay. This okay?

Okay.

Okay, uh.

We'll start kissing on three' okay? Okay.

One, two, three. Go.


MlRl: I'm ready. l'm ready. Okay.

Deacon.

Deacon. Deacon. What?

Did you see Lost this week, man? I missed it. What happened?

They're on the island, off the island. Who can follow that?

I think they're in hell.

Would you all shut the motherfuck up?

[MOANlNG]

I want you to come. l want you to come with me. Okay.

Oh' God.

ZACK: Oh' God.

Cut.

That's it? lt's over? Ain't he supposed to come on her titties?

Well' it wasn't what we'd shot-listed' but that was nice. lt was so romantic. Way to fuck, Zack.

Thanks, Lester, uh.

It wasn't just me, though, guys. Give it up for my radiant costar here, Miri.

[CHEERlNG]

LESTER: Nice. Um, show's over in here.

Let's move out' start lighting the next scene.

All right. LESTER: Let's do it.

BUBBLES: You looked so beautiful. Thanks.

DELANEY: l thought they were gonna be fucking hard. lt was pretty. DELANEY: Pretty don't sell.

Good job. Thanks.

You good, Mir? You need anything?

I'm just gonna take a minute, okay?

Okay, uh. l'll just be out there.

Yeah.

That was fun. Yeah, fun.

ZACK [WHlSPERS]: "Fun." You fucking douche.

[SlGHS]


Wow.

Hey. ZACK: Hey.

You working on a rewrite? Yeah, just for tonight's scene. l'm ready to go when you are, though. Okay.

You know, before we go, l... I'm thinking that, uh, it's a good idea if we talk about what happened last night.

Oh. L mean, we don't have to' but l think...

Okay, yeah, uh.

I kind of dropped the ball on that, I guess, huh?

No, no. It's... To be honest, it was...

You know, I didn't realize how weird it would be for me.

Weird? Like... Weird how?

Acting and directing at the same time. It's a lot to process, you know.

For the first time' l thought my balls didn't have enough hair on them.

That's not what l meant.

I know what you meant.

How you feeling about it?

I guess, um...

I feel like...

Like we...

Holy fuck. The power's on. Did you do this?

ZACK: How did this happen? I burned the bills.

How could we have done that?

The water. The water.

MlRl: Come on, come on' come on.

Yeah!

We can shower in our home again. We are liquid.

[KNOCKlNG ON DOOR]

Greetings.

Have you heard the good news about our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ?

Oh' my God, did you guys do this?

We got tired of you taking showers at our places all the time.

So we took up a collection amongst ourselves.

And chipped away at your mountain of debt.

You guys paid off our massive utilities bills?

How did you afferd that? L stole my old lady's bingo winnings.

And Mistress Bubbles did a bachelor party tonight at which yours truly was a guest star, thank you very much.

Oh. Whoa.

Don't get too excited. We didn't pay off your whole bill. Just a month of each.

They agreed to turn everything back on?

At 9 at night? How does that work?

Stacey knows somebody that works at Power and Light.

You guys... This is amazing.

You didn't have to do this.

You didn't have to put us in your movie.

Or let us shoot it. Or produce it.

Or put us in your movie either. We said that already.

Guys, honestly, I don't know what to say.

You can start by saying we can take tonight off so we can have our wrap party right now.

Guys, we're not wrapped. We still have four days of shooting left.

Excuse me. In my "producorial" capacity, I'm shutting the movie down for a night so we can get a little silly.

[DMX'S "PARTY UP (UP lN HERE)" PLAYlNG OVER SPEAKERS]


[THE PlXlES' "HEY" PLAYlNG OVER SPEAKERS]

[COlN CLlNKlNG AND PEOPLE CHATTERlNG]

Go' go' go.

Yes. Yes.

[LAUGHlNG]

You all drink.

Was it just amazing with him, after all those years of not knowing?

It was, um, weird.

But good. My scene with Zack's tomorrow.

You don't say.

But l'm a little nervous. l was thinking about trying to get with him tonight.

Really? L mean, if you don't mind.

You are just friends and all' so l didn't think it would be a biggie. lt wouldn't be a biggie, would it? No.

No, no. lt's not a biggie. What? No.

Are you sure?

Yeah. Stacey' I'm not married to the guy, so...

I don't know. You guys just looked kind of intimate last night.

We did? Yeah.

Well' we're just better actors than I thought, l think, so you know what?

If you wanna get with him' you should just go ask him.

He'd be really excited to hear that. Yeah? For real, you don't mind?

Yeah. Cool.

DEACON: All the quarters are on the ground.

ZACK: Hey, Stace. Hey' Zack.

[WHlSPERlNG]

DEACON: Come on, are you guys playing or what?

[lNAUDlBLE DlALOGUE]


Well' l'm bummed, but l totally get it.

It's no problem to work with Lester again. He has a nice cock.

Well' you're a trouper, Stace.

Oh' but if l start making weird faces or anything during the scene' it's just because I've been constipated all day.

Oh' shit' uh. We don't have to shoot the scene tonight.

No, l want to. Anal's great for when you're constipated.

It totally loosens you up.

I use ex-lax' but good to know.

Okay, l never thought I would have that conversation.

So are we starting with Lester and Stacey tonight?

We were supposed to start with Lester and Miri.

I know. She... We're not gonna do that. I don't think Miri's gonna...

[KNOCKlNG ON DOOR]

do that.

Hey. So where are we shooting this? Over here?

What are you doing here? Me and Lester.

Our scene's tonight, right?

Can l talk to you for a minute in the back?

Sure. Thanks.

What do you want me to shoot here?

Start with the close-ups of Lester and Stacey. Give me a second, man.

What an artist.

Okay, uh. Did l do something wrong to you?

No.

Then why are you here?

I'm here for the same reason you're here. To make the movie.

Okay, just, like' for your own personal information, you're acting really weird right now.

I'm acting weird? I think you're acting weird right now.

Oh' l'm acting... How exactly am l acting weird?

You've been trying to keep me from fucking anybody but you since we started this thing.

Maybe l was thinking about your feelings.

Were you thinking of my feelings when you were banging Stacey?

Because that'd be really sad for Stacey.

She told me that you told her that that was okay.

I told her that it was okay to ask you.

Holy shit. l get it. l fucking get it.

It was a test. That whole thing was a fucking test, is that it?

If it was, how do you think you did?

We had a discussion, Miri.

We had... Actually, we had many discussions about how it was just sex and how we wouldn't let it get weird. L'm not acting weird.

You're acting like a jealous girlfriend is what the fuck you're acting like. l am not your girlfriend. L know that.

You're not my boyfriend, so why are we having this conversation right now?

Because you're about to fuck Lester to spite me, it seems like.

Did you fuck Stacey to spite me? No.

You fucked her like you fucked every other bitch and never gave a shit how l felt about it.

Well' that was before. Before what?

Look, don't fucking pretend that the other night, you and me, right there, that that didn't mean anything to you, that you didn't feel it too.

Oh. You're not getting all gooey on me here, are you, Zack?

You know what?

If you were any other bitch I didn't give a rat's ass about, I would tell you to go fuck yourself right now because l fucking hate this game-playing shit.

But you, you mean more to me than that' so l'm just gonna lay this out on front street.

I know you felt something big, something real the other night when we were together because l felt it too.

We tried to fuck and instead, we wound up making love.

So if this is what you need to hear in order to keep you from fucking Lester, if this is what you need, then fine. Here it is, l'm gonna say it.

I love you, Miri.

Happy?

Oh' Jesus.

You better get ahold of yourself, Zack, because we just fucked.

Okay.

What if l didn't fuck Stacey?

But you did.

You know what? I don't fucking give a shit.

[WHlSPERS] Wait...

All right, don't forget l'm down here. Watch that pullout, huh?

STACEY: Yeah.

Mmm. This is some damn good coffee.

Where you going? Getting the fuck out of here.

We gotta finish this movie.

[GASPS]

Yo!

[COUGHlNG AND GROANlNG]

You believe this shit?

Do you believe this shit?

What the fuck just happened in there?

I'll tell you what just happened in there.

That chick frosted me like l was a fucking cake.

Zack.

TEEN 1: Okay, seriously' get a picture of me right now.

I'm hunting humans.

Dude' check it out. Ooh. Oh, shit.

Seriously, let's shoot the shit out of this bitch.

Where you aiming at? Cock shots?

Cock shots.

[BUZZER RlNGS]

[BUZZER RlNGS]

We shot you in the balls, cunt nugget.

Well' it's my job to get shot in the balls, so... Oh, they're gone.

MAN: Excuse me.

Didn't you used to work at the Bean-N-Gone in Monroeville?

I sure as shit hope this pays better, I tell you.

[CHATTERlNG]

So why don't they just shoot you with a puck?

What do you mean?

I mean, what does paintball got to do with hockey?

Nothing, l guess.

So ain't no prizes or...? No, no.

So, what are they paying $5 for?

To shoot a Broad Street Bully in the balls.

White people are fucked up.

Yup' they sure are.

It's a living. You've been getting the checks l've been sending?

Yes, thank you very much. I appreciate that.

Probably didn't save you from a brutal tongue-lashing, though, huh?

You know, the wife never found out about the camera, because l paid off the bills.

How did you manage that?

Because now l'm Oprah rich. No way.

The post office fucking settled? Hundred-sixty large' son.

Nice, man. Congratulations. A beautiful day, thank you very much.

I thought you made that whole thing up.

No, no. lt was very real.

You can believe it.

Even though she's spending all of it.

Well' since you ain't gonna ask me, I'll just go ahead and tell you.

No, I have not seen Miri. L wasn't gonna ask that.

Oh' l suppose you weren't gonna ask about your movie, neither?

Look, that's why l came down here. I need you to come take a look at it. l'm not interested. Sorry. You'd better get interested because you still owe me money. What's wrong with the movie?

The story doesn't make sense.

The story? The story doesn't make sense.

It's a fucking porno movie, man. What story?

It's a movie, dog, and a movie's gotta have an ending, which we don't have at the moment.

Come shot, credits. There's your fucking ending.

Do me this favor, okay?

When you're done getting your nuts blown off' come back to humble Monroeville to my crib for a couple hours' check out the flick, you tell me what's missing.

No.

I'll tell you what, you do that, you don't owe me shit no more.

Really? Really. ls your wife home? Yes.

Maybe l should leave the pads on. You got some extra ones?

Hey, honey.

Where the fuck you been? And who in the fuck is this now?

Would you calm down, woman? Goddamn.

You already left one white boy down in my basement while you off gallivanting and shit. What if this motherfucker was all grabby on me? Ain't nobody wanna grab on you.

Oh' what in the fuck is that supposed to mean?

Ain't nobody wanna grab on you. WlFE: White boys love me.

White boy. l said, white boy. Yeah?

You'd fuck me, wouldn't you?

Should l say yes? Just say yes.

Yeah.

Why don't you, uh, head downstairs? Oh, okay.

It's just through this hallway.

Nice to meet you. You too.

What the fuck you looking at?

Why you gotta be yelling at me in front of my director?

Oh, he's a director? Yeah.

I didn't know that. Shit, he's a director.

Well' why don't he direct my ass to a new husband? How about that shit?

That's the bedroom. DELANEY: Keep talking, maybe he will.

Oh' don't nobody want them saggy-ass balls!

Saggy balls? Look at these sagging-ass titties you got around here.

You could tie these together. Motherfucker, we match.

Oh' shit.

Where's my paintball gun at?

Look at you, editor and DP. You got your shit covered, man.

Please, don't ever say "shit-covered" to me again.

Roll the film for the man, please, so we can see what he thinks.

Just jump through it. l ain't got all night. The bitch is on me.

"Nigga Rich Productions." Classy.

Yeah, DreamWorks was taken. Was it?

Plus' it sounds like an underground gay fuck club.

"l met a guy at DreamWorks." Yeah.

All right, so we got Lester and Stacey fucking.

Then we got Barry and Bubbles fucking.

And then this boring bullshit.

Okay, just, uh, go to the next scene, would you?

Uh...

What next scene? The one with Miri and Lester?

We never shot it.

Why not? Because after you left that night, Miri came out of the backroom and said she couldn't do it.

We wrapped after that. Wrapped? So...

Wait, so Miri... Never fucked nobody.

Just you.

Now, l wonder why she did that.

Hm. Hm.

You see, there was a time when l was just a bitter old fuck making coffees, and Stacey was just a lap dancer and Barry and Bubbles didn't know each other and this fool here, hell, I don't even know what he was.

A white supremacist. Man' fuck you.

Then two people come along and showed us something we didn't know existed.

A world of possibilities where plain old people just like us could do something special.

Even if it's something as simple as filming people fucking.

Sometimes we just need someone to show us something we can't see for ourselves

and then we're changed forever.

So as you can see' our movie ain't got no ending.

Every movie needs an ending' don't it?

Peace.

Delaney, you're a slick cupid motherfucker.

Ain't love grand?

WlFE: Why the fuck is this white boy running through my goddamn house?

[DOOR SLAMS]

Sometimes.

Miri.

Miri. MlRl: Zack?

ZACK: Miri. l'm sorry. MlRl: Get out.

Close the door. Lt was closed. lt was closed over... Just close the fucking door' Zack.

I never slept with Stacey that night, okay? l swear to God.

When we got into my room, you know what we did?

We talked about you, and us and how things were different and how l was too much of a fucking pussy to just tell you how l felt about you.

And l know... l know that that's only because of all the stupid shit we said about how we wouldn't let sex change us, but it did. lt changed me.

That has to be love, right?

It has to be love and just so you know, l can't go back to being just friends anymore, because l just can't. Good.

And l think...

I think that you feel the same way.

Because that night after I left, you didn't fuck Lester.

What's up, Zack?

You know what?

I don't care that you're fucking Lester, okay? How's that?

Oh, shit. L don't wanna be with anyone but you.

So l will wait forever for you, okay? I will wait the rest of my life because l love you, and l have for as long as l can remember.

And l would rather die than be without you, Miriam Linky.

Miri's last name is Linky?

You're gonna fuck a guy who doesn't know your last name?

Or that you beat up Carl Roth in the sixth grade? l know that.

Or what your senior prom dress would've looked like had we gone but we decided not to, and we got drunk alone instead.

Or that you washed your hair in the toilet.

We're not fucking' Zack.

Or that you're not fucking Zack... What?

I asked her to fuck me. She wouldn't do it.

I even tried to talk her into giving me the fucking Dutch rudder.

Shot me down on that too.

And a Dutch rudder is? Don't know what a Dutch rudder...?

All right, you grab your dick, then you have someone else work your arm.

Here, let me show you.

All right, grab my arm. l'm grabbing my dick, you're grabbing my arm.

Now work it. Work my arm. See that shit? Work it up and down.

It's like someone else is jerking you off.

Okay.

There's the double Dutch rudder, which' l grab my dick, you grab your dick, you work my arm, l work your arm' same time.

It's like jerking off together but not gay.

We're not touching dicks, each other's dicks anyway.

I'm touching my own dick. You're working it, and l'm loving it.

It feels good, sir. Try me, come on.

Sorry to change the subject on you, Lester, but if you're not fucking Miri, why is your dick out right now?

Because l live here now, and l like to be naked.

What? When you moved out, she couldn't afford to pay her rent by herself, so l moved in to help.

But you just came out of her room.

That's my room now. She moved in your old room.

Wait, wait, wait. She changed rooms?

Yeah, she said she did it because she missed the smell of you or some shit.

[SNlFFS]

I don't smell anything.

But you know what? That probably means she loves you.

Night, Zack. Night.

Do you?

Then why are you crying?

Because l missed you so much.

ZACK: Me too.

I love you.

l love you, l love you. ZACK: l love you.

I don't mean to alarm you but I think l just jerked off Lester a little bit.

The Dutch rudder? Yeah, it's ingenious, right?

If you ask me nicely, I will Dutch-rudder you the rest of our lives.

Good. l'm getting tired of fucking the Fleshlight.

You fucked it? Yeah.

What'd it feel like? Like fucking a flashlight.

LESTER: Wrong room. Oh, God. That's gross.

Let us fuck.


Hello. Welcome to Nigga Rich Productions' home of Zack and Miri Make Your Porno, the production house for the couple looking to put a little spice in their sex life.

Shall we take a look around? Fuck me so hard. Oh, God.

First, you'll meet for a consultation with one of our romance-ologists, who'll coach you through that initial awkward stage before you're camera-ready.

So we will start off with some erotic massage and some...

Dude. Some light petting.

That sounds good.

Are you guys sure you don't wanna do some, uh, butt-sack work too?

Uh, let's move on' shall we? Why?

ANNOUNCER: From their break-out hit, Swallow My Cockuccino, to the multi-million selling Swallow My Cockuccino ll and the award-winning Star Whores saga, including Revenge of the Shit: The All-Anal Final Chapter, Zack and Miri have proven time and again that they know how to shoot hot sex.

As an actor, l've sometimes brought my work home with me inappropriately.

When you're telling your real-life lover in the bedroom' to' you know' bend over while you cake your hand in K-Y, it is a sign that the romance is dead, I think.

Then we turned to the professionals at Zack and Miri Make Your Porno.

Oh' my God, they totally saved our civil union.

They filmed what was inside of us and not what was coming out of us necessarily.

It helped me see his asshole as not just a come dumpster, but a sign of his beauty' his flower.

It became a, uh, gorgeous orchid.

Orchids grow in sort of the filthiest conditions.

That's what his asshole became to me. This beautiful flower amidst shit.

Honey, they get the metaphor. L don't think they do.

Let's just say, thank you to Zack and Miri.

It's helped us out, it's helped our friends.

Enrique? Park?

Park? Enrique?

Can we get a little love for Zack and Miri?

They don't even know what's going on, they're so pilled up.

But don't take his word for it. Just ask our co-founders.

Hi. l'm Miri Linky Brown. L'm Zack Linky Brown.

Here at Zack and Miri Make Your Porno, we're dedicated to committing your love... Or lust.

To high-end, quality production digital video.

A forever keepsake of your passion.

That's right, Miri. Why set up a camera at the end of your bed and settle for one unflattering angle, when you could let the professionals dazzle and delight your senses with an array of shots so masterfully rendered you'll swear Martin Scorsese snuck into your room and caught you fucking?

And remember' we're not just the presidents of Zack and Miri Make Your Porno.

We're also clients.

ANNOUNCER: Call now to set up your appointment


LESTER: