Zerophilia (2005) Script

Hey!

Are you okay?

My God, are you alright?

Yeah.

How did you even get here?

There's no road, there's barely even a trail.

I don't know. I'm from England.

Oh, it's... it's okay.

Are you alone out here?

Yeah.

You want to come into my camper?

A little warm apple kringel?

Uh...

What is it?

I didn't know. I didn't know it was gonna be so incredible!

Ah! I just had no idea!


Hey... Hey Keenan! Come here, man.

Keenan, come here. Quick.

What?

Come here!

What?

Look at my chest.

Yeah...

Well, I had hair, man.

Okay, not a lot of hair.

But, I mean, you've seen me with some, right?

What?

I see that look. What?

What is it with you, man? You're smarter than me, you're better-lookin' than me.

I'm not...

I know.

I'm just saying, you can get any girl you want.

Easy for you to say, you've got Janine.


So what do you think?

You're joking, right?

It's remarkable! Very retro. I thought you were gettin' a pickup?

Yeah, I changed my mind.

Okay, okay...

My dad loved these old things.

He always wanted to buy one and fix it up.

I think it's great.

Yeah, it's awesome, it's diesel.

Fuck you, you think it's stupid.

What?

What?

Oh, my God. Did you get laid?

Finally!

I didn't say a word, I swear to God.

I knew it. Who was she?

Camping. Total stranger.

Congratulations.

I want to hear all about it, but I gotta get to Physics.

The truck is great.

See ya', hottie.

Couldn't you find anything else to call me other than what every other guy in the world would say?

Sweetheart...

Baby...

Dinkleberry melange.

You can call me honey.

Alright, see ya tonight.

So, this is gonna be, like, your car?

Yeah.

First off... that woman...

we didn't go all the way, you know?

Yeah, okay. So?

So, technically... think I'm still virgin?

Were you inside her?

Yeah.

It counts. Next?

What?

Well...

I've sort of been having this dream...

You know, forget it. I'm not telling you.

What!?

Come on, man, you know enough of my secrets to get me shot.

Sharon's mom, Thanksgiving?...

What the fuck dream is there, you can't tell me?

Well...

It's about a part of me gettin' smaller.

The important part.

The thing is...

I think the dream is real.

Oh, give me a fuckin' break, man. You're not thirteen!

Screw you, maybe I caught something.

It's probably the first time in about five years you haven't had a hard on.

It's good you bought this truck.

You're too stoned to drive.

No, I'm not.

Yeah, I got it. I got it.


I can do the gasket for twenty bucks..

But new T-sprocks, for this thing...

You're looking at two, maybe three hundred?

Oh, shit...

You think that I hold off on that?

No skin off my ass...

But leave it a few days... weeks... could blow your whole transmission.

Ah... I don't know, I...

Probably shouldn't have got this thing, huh?

No, it's cool.

475 horsepower...

25 inch wheels...

Chrome grill.

You did good.

Let me check in the back.

See if we have an old set.

Oh... Thanks, man.

Shit!

Yeah...


Yeah, T-sprocks...

Gasket.

It's not my wrench.

It's my truck.

What's wrong with it?

Oh, no, it just needs a new gasket...

...and a couple T-sprocks...

...the flanges are sheared off, but y'know, it's no big deal.

You gotta be careful with my brother, Max.

He's sellin' you "T-sprocks?"

Yeah.

There's no such thing.

Last week he sold a whole set to Mrs. Gustafson: like, six hundred bucks.

Oh...

My name's Michelle, by the way.

Yeah. From New York, right?

Poli-Sci transfer.

I sort of asked around campus.

You did?

Yeah, you probably already have a stalker, though?

No.

Hey, you ever heard of, uh, Cafe Lunizia?

It's Italian?

Great New York style pizza.

Make you feel at home.

You askin' me out?

Yeah.

Definitely.

Hey, Spanky, let's go! Lookin' forward to kickin' your punk ass.

That's... that's my ride.

Your name's "Spanky?"

No, Puck Ass...

No, people just call me Luke.

We're beatin' his fratboy team's ass in hockey.

You know, it pisses 'em off.

Look, I'll tell Max to just replace the gasket, okay?

Thanks.

Wait... So, uh,... what do you think?

I'll just sit there, I won't even talk.

Yeah, look, uhm...

I just split up with this total amoeba, so...

Oh, well, I'm a paramecium...

You know, that's way more evolved.

Maybe I'll give you a call when your truck's ready.

Thanks.

You mean to go out, right?

Yeah.

Whoa!

That was her!

Yeah. I know.

Jesus, man, you're sweatin' like crazy.

I'm such a moron.

No, you're not.

No, yeah, I am.

I have incontrovertible proof.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

You know, I was just about to put my leg on the table, too. I'm so glad you did it first.

It's a hawk.

See, you're smirking!

No, it's just...

And it's green.

Ok? That's the one color tattoo they can't remove!

Oh, really?

Bummer...

It's okay. I'm considering a prosthetic foot.

I caught him with my best friend.

Former.

Such a cliché.

I'm sorry.

Winthrop Hawkins.

"Hawk".

Like...

...from this Park Avenue family.

He'd know what kind of mushrooms those are, what the best wine is.

The best wine is beer.

What's the matter?

Oh... Nothing.

Just... Is it a little hot out here?

I don't know.

You want moron?

I got a story.

When my dad died...

I'm sorry.

No, it's okay. I was nine, so...

I barely knew what was goin' on.

But I do remember that...

...the gravestone looked really really sad, you know?

So I painted all kinds of fish and smiley faces all over it.

That's sweet.

Yeah. I'm sure my dad would've loved that one.

You're great, you know?

Would you excuse me, just one second? Please.

Thank you.


What's going on, man? You're peak for Golden Gloves this weekend?

Everybody should just mind their own fucking business!

Didn't go so great, huh?

I don't know, Keenan.

It was goin' great, man.

She's amazing. She's...

She's like, smart, funny, The way she eats ravioli with a spoon... like "ah".

Cool.

But...

Then I started gettin' that...

I got that weird feeling again.

I think I know what's going on, okay?

"Acute adolescent anxiety".

It's from the stress of college, girls, grades. It's really common.

I'm not an adolescent, okay?

Where do you get this crap?

The net.

Oh, the net?

Yes, the net. Just hear me out, okay?

I got all the symptoms, like, right off the bat: panic attacks, localized alopecia, which is...

...that means... hair loss.

I wrote this doctor.

He wrote me back saying: "Is there any chance that your friend Luke just lost his virginity?"

You gave him my name?

Look, he's from back East.

He's sending an information packet for you, man, I think you should read it.

I mean, Jesus, bro, you got me thinking you're going bipolar on me or something.

Come on, Luke!

What am I supposed to think?

I came to apologize.

I had this pasta the other night...

"pasta quattro funghi", four mushrooms.

Anyway, it took me a long time to realize...

...but I think somebody put shrooms in it, all right?

Or somehow they got in there.

I was hallucinating and everything..

You know what amazes even me?

A guy's capacity to be a world-class asshole.

Fortunately, I'm familiar with the cause.

Will you just please tell her I came by?

No, forget it. I'll catch up with her on my own.

No. You won't.

Look...

I'm gonna see your sister. If she'll see me.

I don't give a fuck what you say about it.

Oh, really?

Yeah, really.

You go anywhere near her, I'll feed your nuts to the neighbor's dog!

Oh, yeah?

What kinda dog is it?

Huh?

I mean, is it a pitbull, or what?

I'm crazy about her.

Shrooms, huh?

I'll tell her you came by.


Had a sudden intense midnight craving for a cherry popsicle.

Oh, okay.

You can find 'em in that freezer.

What a relief.

I'm Sydney. You?

Luke.

Hey, Luke.

Workin' late, huh?

Yeah.

Four AM.

It sucks.

God, I hate it when guys say that.

Say what?

Why you gotta say: "It sucks", like it was a bad thing?

It's just a pet peeve, I mean... every guy's just dying to get a blow job, right? So... you think they'd treat those words with profound respect, like holy scripture.

For example...

"What an unbelievable sunset, honey. Doesn't it just suck?", or

"You won an Olympic Gold Medal, that blows!".

I guess you're right, yeah.

Wow...

It must be great at your age, hmm?

That river of testosterone just coursing through your veins, the dam about to burst!

Hey.

What do you say...

...we lock up this store and try for our own Olympic Gold?

Uh...

No, thanks.

Jeez, lady.

Oh, I hate my hair.

I ought to change the color, what do you think?

Looks fine to me.

Your hair is such an incredible color.

It's blond.

I love it.

Hey, you think I could just... snip off a little piece?

Match the color? It really... "sucks".

Oh, okay, now you're just messing with me.

I'm not!

I really like it.

You should get rid of that thing, anyway.

I have clippers in my bag.

What thing?

Cowlick. Right here. See?

Oh!

What?

What are you doing?

What... you don't like being touched?

No.

What's the matter?

Look, I'm sorry, but you're just bizarre.

Maybe...

one thing I learned long ago, you can't change your true nature, even if it can change you.


Oh, great.

Gracias.

Man, that lady's eyeing you.

Oh, holy shit. It's that lady from the store!

She's comin' over.

Hey, guys...

I'll buy you a drink?

Actually, we're here with dates already. Thanks.

You are?

Who?

They're around.

Luke, if you like this girl, we've gotta talk.

What?

Anything happened since we spoke last?

Hot flashes? Pressure in your chest?

Uh, who are you?

Dr. Sydney Catchadourian.

Keenan, right?

Yeah.

You know him?

We exchanged E-mail.

Oh, you're the doctor?

From Savannah?

I came right away.

Why?

Your friend here...

...has an extra chromosome.

You're like some whack job, lady. Stay away from me. Jeez!

I tested your hair.

Someone put mushrooms in my mushroom sauce.

My advice...

...you've gotta keep him away from that girl.

He's like a rock.

Yeah?

So, yeah.

You can trust him.

I hope the same goes for Keenan. Believe me, I'm not used to rocks, I'm used to pebbles.

Oh, please, grains of sand.

Hello...

Thanks.

Is everything alright?

Yeah. Fine.. just a... beer.

You're right, man. That lady's nuts.

Let's play some pool?

You've been checking them out all night...

You got a thing for him, or what?

Actually...

I'm hoping he's got one for me.

Your friends sorta like each other, huh?

Yep... Yeah.

They're like super-glue.

Thirty seconds together, you can't pull 'em apart.

How did they meet?

Keenan sold her a bike.

I don't think they've been apart more than three hours since.

You know...

I never thought in a million years you'd go out with me, let alone twice.

Oh, man, you're not supposed to say that.

That's a total pathetic, loser thing to say.

But that's okay. I'm gonna take it as a huge compliment.

Good.

Okay.

Two word answers only...

Why'd you ask me out in the first place?

Okay, okay...

Beautiful.

Unpretentious. Very important.

Now, why'd you say 'yes'?

Uhm.. gentle, sensitive...

Oh, sorry, okay... Hot... Deep.

Is that better?

Yes. Hot, deep... It's better.

Okay.

I got two words for you.

What're you most passionate about?

Friendship.

And trust.

Those are good ones.

Yeah?

Yeah.

What about you?

Hockey.

Hockey. Hah.

So much for "deep".

You.

That girl he's with... You think he's serious about her?

Who cares? I'd give my left one to be with that girl.

Girls against boys.

Okay, I'm gonna break this one wide open.

Right.

God! Sorry!

What?

Oh, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm okay.

Man, I'd be on the floor cryin' like a baby.

Yeah, right.

Would you excuse me a sec?

Jesus, seemed like a Precision Guided Missile.

Are you okay?

It's bad?

It's really bad?

I'll get some ice.

No! Wait!

What?

Keenan! What?

Keenan! What?

Look!

Oh my God!

OH MY GOD!

Oh, my God!

What did I tell you?

I told you to keep him away from that girl.

Watch the door.

You stay away from me, you crazy bitch!

Luke, I can help you.

We're gonna get it back.

Now focus. Will you listen to me?

Good. Drink this.

You don't want to get it back?

What is it?

Valium, Flexeril... And a shitload of Dorvon.

You gotta calm down.

Calm down?

What the hell is wrong with him?

He's a zerophiliac.

A what?

Man, this is messed up. I'm gettin' a doctor!

Well, it's your lucky day. I am a doctor!

You breathe one word of this, ...anyone else sees him like this, and in medical terms... he's fucked.

God, get out!?

Pictures all over the net, tabloids, television!

Television?!

No! We're gonna get it back!

You let me help him, he gets a normal body, lives a normal life.

I mean, are you his friend or not?

Wait a minute, is it contagious?

There are no recorded incidents.

Recorded incidents?

Oh, please God! What did I do wrong?

Recorded incidents?

Oh my God, I used his deodorant!

Oh, will you calm down?

Calm down?

Calm down?

Finally.

He's alright. He didn't go all the way.

When you fall asleep or pass out, a Z almost always reverts back.

It's called a Nocturnal Remission.

Oh, relax, it's not contagious.

How many cases of this are there?

In the world?

A hundred. A thousand.

There's no way to know.

It doesn't show up in a normal DNA test.

It's triggered when you first have sex.

The woman in the RV!

From England.

Uh-huh!

Now, you're Morphescent whenever you're aroused.

Wait... You tellin' me this is gonna happen every time he gets the hots for a girl?

Man, this could be a problem.

I mean, is there a cure, or...?

It's not a disease!

But... there are steps you can take.

What are the steps?

Before anything... you have to try going all the way.

Turn all the way into a female.

Oh! Are you out of your mind?

Maybe we should get a second opinion.

Yeah, yeah, maybe we should! 'Cause you can just forget that!

Guys, I warn you, they've never seen anything like this before.

First they'll try to pump you full of antipsychotic medications, try surgery, electroshock therapy...

God knows what else.

So, let's say he does try goin' all the way...

I'm just asking...

It ain't gonna happen!

Oh, for Christ's sake! I am trying to help you.

That Z chromosome's not latent anymore!

Look, it affects everyone differently.

If you don't get control of this thing, you don't know when it's going to kick in, what it's gonna do to you!

You want to end up with three left breasts, behemoth hips and one left testicle?

How would he do that? I mean, go all the way?

He's a Z.

You can go all the way, when you have an orgasm.

Okay, uhm... With who?

Let me check my calendar.

Well, you're not my type either.

Truth is, at this stage, you don't really need anybody else.

So... how do I do it?

Luke...

It's a lot to absorb, I know.

You'd better not tell anybody about this.

Not even Janine, man. I'm serious.

I swear to God. I won't say a word.

I'm not doin' it.

I don't give a shit what she says. I can control this.

How?

Well...

I didn't know what was goin' on before.

Now I do, so, it's not gonna be a problem.

I just gotta stay focused!

Good shot.

So you mean to tell me, you're gonna try to keep yourself from getting turned on?

Yeah.

Come on, Luke, you get turned on by two scoops of ice cream.

No, I'm just sayin'. You think Larissa, the horse-faced girl's got her good points.

Hey!

Hoped we'd find you here.

Hey.

We just wanted to know if you're alright after... last night.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm good.

Good.

Good.

I had a really good time last night.

Yeah... me too.

Will you excuse me for just one second?

What's goin' on?

Nothing.

We got a big game tomorrow.

Sometimes guys just need to hang with the guys, you know? No distractions?

What the hell are you talking about?

Come on, Michelle, let the boys play with their pucks.

You told her?

Dude, I had to.

You know Janine.

I've read about this, but I didn't think it was real.

It's so cool!

It's disgusting!

How can you say that?

Seriously. Keen, wouldn't you love to see what it's like inside a girl's body?

Uf, don't even go there!

Okay, fine. You're guys.

But still...

Isn't it every guy's fantasy to have a pair of boobs to play with anytime he wants?

Not my own!

God, man, how could you tell her?

She should be here. Come on, man, it's just weird, two guys hangin' out, one turnin' into a girl...

I can't wait. I mean, it's not something you get to see every day.

No! Forget it!

Forget it, man.

What, he gets to, and I don't?!

No one gets to!

Should we put on some soft music, or something?

Do you want a magazine in there, buddy?

Shut up!


Anything?

No.

Hey, you want a beer in there?

No!

If I had the chance to be a guy for a day, I'd jump at it.

Wouldn't you?

I AM a guy.

It's like instant evolution.

I'm feeling it...

Yeah.

Oh God!

Hey Luke, are you alright?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, my God.


Whoa.

Dude...

Whoa.

Dude.

Oh God, look at me.

What?

What?

I just wanna get one thing straight, man...

There is like, no way I'm sleeping with you.

Man, even as a joke, that's just sick!

Maybe I will.

What? I thought you like the idea of lookin' at two girls?

This is weird. This is freaking me out.

Yeah. Maybe we should call Dr. Catchadourian.

What for? I did it. Now I can switch back.

Get outta here.

Already?

Yes.

Okay, yeah.

Would you stop staring?


Janine?

It's like, I can't get in the right mood or something.

Welcome to my world.

Honey, in this situation, no one could.

You gotta help. I need to change right now!

You can't rush these things.

Yeah, you know. Some girls go half their lives without even having one.

Alright, Studly, what do you suggest?

She likes it when I tell her stuff.

Like what?

Like: "You're so beautiful," "I love your smile,"

And... "The English Patient was my favorite movie too".

What?

Hey.

Having trouble, huh?

Yeah.

Well, maybe you should just, you know.

Hang out with it for a while. Try it later, or something.

No.

I gotta change right this minute.

Why?

I just do.

What's it like?

I don't know.

The same, I guess.

But it's not me.

I gotta change right now.

Well, Janine has an idea that might help, but...

What is it?

She had to go pick it up.

She'll be right back, though, so...

Who's that?

I ordered more pizza, figured you'd want some, you know after... it.

Can I help you?

Actually I was lookin' for Luke.

Hey, man.

Hey, Keenan.

Luke's not here right now.

Thank God. I'm starving!

How ya' doin'?

I'm Max.

You live here too?

She's just visiting.

She's Luke's cousin.

Luca.

Luca?

Luca?

Luca, isn't that a guy's name?

Italian or something?

Yeah, I'm part Italian.

Cool. Me too.

"Vorrei mostrare la torre pendente di Pisa. "

What does that mean?

How long you in town for?

Just a few weeks.

Weeks? Days.

No, I'm leaving today! Now!

She's leaving today. Is there something you wanted me to tell Luke?

Actually I'm... I'm way into hockey.

I was wonderin' if Luke could show me the ropes.

See if he's as good as everyone says he is.

Yeah, he's alright.

You play?

Yeah.

You any good?

Yeah.

She's gotta pack. You've gotta go.

Now.

Really nice meeting you.

Really.

What's the matter?

What is it, what's the matter?

I've gotta change back. Right now!

Hey, what's the big deal?

Get out of here!

Just get out!

Okay.

What's going on?

What, does he need some help in there, or something?

Not from you.

I'm just sayin', he's not that experienced with girls.

Oh, and you are?

I'm startin' to wonder if you are.

I'm not gonna feed your fantasies.

Luca.

Would you stop calling me that?

Listen...

You gotta just think about whatever turns you on.

No matter what it is.

Do you mind?

Touchy.

All right, all right, all right...

Okay.

I have an idea.

Pretend that you're thrown against the bed on your back, Your hands and your feet, are-- are tied to the bedpost.

You can't move anything, not even an inch!

And then, suddenly, you feel two, firm hands on your thighs.

They're moving... they're working their way slowly... firmly.. making their way up to your breasts.

Ah, baby!

Keenan!

Every time I look at you, I just get the shivers!

Oh, my God!

I want to take your fucking clothes off, throw you down...

I just want to envelop every inch of you.

Oh Keen... that beautiful curve along your side.

I just want to pin your arms above your head, and make mad, passionate love to you! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

You're a screamer!

What are we doing here?

I didn't want anybody to see.

So I did what you said.

Oh, yeah?

How was it?

It was weird.

Awful.

Was it difficult making the switch?

It was difficult gettin' back.

I swear, you need an owner's manual for that thing.

Yeah, well. A lot of guys could use one of those.

So, what do I do now?

Do I take some pills or something?

Not exactly.

Okay.

This is gonna sound weird, but...

...I need to know if you're attracted to me.

What? No.

Not at all? Not even a little bit? Are you gay?

No, Jeez...

Okay, calm down.

I'm just not attracted to you like that.

I got the message.

Listen to me.

Right now, you can change either way, anytime you want.

It's a very special and critical time for a "Z", something you're only gonna experience once in your life.

Good.

You have to use this incredible opportunity you've been given, to figure out what you're supposed to be.

What? What does that mean?

You've got to choose.

I don't want to choose. I wanna be a guy.

Yeah, well, the thing is, sometimes our desires can conflict with our desires.

I did what you said, now tell me how to make it stop!

If the truth is, you wanna stay a guy, then great! But if not...

Hey, don't even say that!

Well, obviously some part of you feels differently.

You couldn't change unless you wanted to.

That is... crap! That is crazy!

Yeah?

That's the thing about the truth.

It'll set you free, but first, it'll really piss you off.

This is nuts! I'm supposed to be a guy!

So what's the problem? You are one.

Wait, you're not gonna help?

Yes, as soon as you're ready to try again.

No, no way!


Whoo!

Wow... Yeah!

Go Luke!

Well, ain't we a basket of biscuits, eh, boys?

What's gotten into you today?

The Force.

Hey. Good game.

Yeah.

I stopped by your house the other day. I was wondering if you could show me few pointers.

Me?

Yeah. You're awesome out there.

And according to my sister, you walk on water.

I don't know, man.

You see, the truth is, I, uh...

I met your cousin the other day. Luca.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. You guys practically have the same name.

We were both named after Uncle Locasto.

Well, she's cool.

Actually, she's hot.

Maybe you could hook us up.

No. Not a chance.

She got a boyfriend?

No, man. She's just.. my cousin, okay?

Yeah, and Michelle's my sister. But you can't tell me you don't want to do her?

Fuck you, man!

What's your deal?

What the hell's going on?

Guys...

Hey, hey, hey...

Keep the fuck away from me! And my sister!

You can fuck off!

Hey, it's cool, it's cool...

Luke's datin' his sister.

Fuck you guys!

This shirt? I've had it for years.

Well, it's very sexy. I love men's clothes.

Really?

What else have you got in your closet?

Hey...

Hey! Keen's right behind me.

Cool.

So, what's all this about?

Did you see that? He's a hottie.

He's a Rodan.

Yeah, but... I don't think he's your type.

Oh... We'll see about that.

No, I mean I think he's secretly attracted to guys.

I'm counting on it.

Okay guys. We have to talk.

Is Luke alright?

I don't know what's up with him.

He's gotta be really confused about something.

The only thing I can think of...

Hey, thanks buddy.

Thanks.

When Luke became Luca, was he attracted to one of you?

No. Not me.

Well, he sure as hell wasn't attracted to me.

Yeah. Definitely not.

Can I have that sugar?

Wasn't it just the two of you?

Yeah.

Not exactly...

Oh, give me a break! Max?

No way!

They just had a huge fight. He tried to beat the crap out of him!

Oh, Christ!

Luke's not queer! He was just...

He'd just turned into a girl!

Exactly!

He turned into a girl.

Incorrect assessment.

Would you rather she was attracted to me?

Would you?

Maybe I would!

Oh, I just bet you...

Whoa! He regrets it, settle down!

Luke needs our help.

So, what does all this mean?

Maybe Luca really likes this boy, enough to want to be female.

Don't sneer!

Oh, come on!

I know the guy. We've done all kinds of shit together.

Hoops, hockey...

No, girls can't play sports!

Oh, whatever! Christ, Janine!

Why the hell would he even wanna be a girl for, anyway?

Oh, God. God forbid!

Yeah, yeah. It's a little bit hard for me to believe.

Oh, listen to me.

I know what I'm talking about. I'm the expert, remember?

Look at this.

Who's he? Your Ex?

Ex me.

You're one too?

You're a Z?

You're a guy?

Was.

I screwed up.

When you finally...

...figure out who you are, it's a horrible thing not to be yourself.

That's why it's crucial we help Luke.

Hey, you must'a worked out.

What'd you bench?

So, you're one too?

Why didn't you tell me?

I didn't wanna confuse the issue.

I wouldn't change unless I wanted to?

Maybe some part of you.

You think I don't really wanna be a man?

I think for some

...making it stop is more important than knowing who you are.

It was for me.

Maybe for me, too.

The key is to have sex with another "Z".

When two "Z"'s do it, you become Adulmorphic and your gender locks.

Another "Z"?

Et voilà!

That's why I came all the way out here.

And why you keep tryin' to get me in the sack?

I wanted to save you some distress, but... you're not attracted to me... and for it to work, both of us have to be into it.

That won't be a problem.

Really?

Let's get naked.

Right now?

There's no time like the present.

I...

Okay... Tomorrow night.

Hey Luke!

Hey.

How's it goin'?

What's this all about?

It's just a little something we thought you might want.

What is it?

Open it up.

What's up, Keen?

What's goin' on, man?

Okay.

What the hell is this for?

Ha, I told her. I told ya. What a stupid ass idea!

Keen! Stop.

Listen...

We just want you to know, that whatever it is you decide... it's okay with us.

Decide?

Whoa. What are you talking about? No, it's not okay!

What the fuck? Get that away from me!

Sorry, man. Think she wishes everyone was female.

Hey, what's that supposed to mean?

What do you think it means, Janine? Christ, it means he doesn't want to be girl!

Like he'd have to think about it.

There happen to be millions of us that enjoy being female!

Well, that's bully for you!

No, I want to know! What exactly is wrong with being a girl?

Nothing is wrong with being a girl, okay? It's great.

It's fuckin' phenomenal, if you happen to be one!

Maybe we should've talked about that the other day?

That wasn't my choice, Janine!

I sure as hell didn't make you do it!

Oh, God, Janine, will you just let us talk for a sec?

What? Is this some kind of guy thing?

Give me a fuckin' break!

Man, what the-- What was that?

Sorry, man. She made me do it.

Hey... you do like bein' a guy, though, right?

Asshole!

Fair enough.

Hey, you should thank me, brother. The one she picked out was pink!


Hi.

Hey.

How you doin'?

I'm okay.

You?

I'm good.

You look nice.

Thanks.

I was hoping you'd call.

Yeah... I was going to.

Look, there's something I need to talk to you about.

Did I do something wrong?

No, you did nothing.

It's more.. just...

I have some stuff I've got to sort out by myself.

Like what?

So, I heard you and Max really got into it.

Yeah.

Yeah, I kinda lost it.

He really knows how to push buttons, huh?

I don't... I don't know.

I mean, I was after a game. I was all revved up.

He's actually a really nice guy.

I'm not too sure he's crazy about me seein' his sister.

Did he scare you off?

No, he didn't scare me off.

What, with him all struttin' around, thinkin' he's all bad ass, with his shirt hangin' open half the time?

Luke, it's just an act.

He likes pretending he's Joe Cool. He always says you gotta be whatever you want, and fuck 'em if they can't take a joke.

Well, he's a joke alright.

Look, I don't think this is gonna work out.

No, wait, Michelle...

What?

I can't do this.

I don't even think you know who you are, much less who I am.

What's that supposed to mean?

If you think my brother's such a joke, how much better could you think of me?

We're not that different, you know?

Of course you are, he's a guy.

And he's my best friend.

And if you don't like him, you can't like me.


You know, I always thought your dying was the worst thing that ever happened to me.

I mean, that happened to you, a lot more than it did to me.

I mean, a lot more, really.

Her name is Michelle.

And I really like her, dad.

Look... every day I wish you were around...

But, if I tell you this... you just...

...stay dead, okay?

And I'm gonna beat this thing.

Okay? No matter what it takes.

Before I tell you, I just wanted to let you know that.

Okay?

I think I might be a Zerophiliac...

Wow...

You're about the last person I expected to see here.

Not bad.

I thought you were gonna head out of town?

I decided to stay for a while.

Cool.

Where'd you learn to speak Italian?

It's just touristy stuff.

"How much for the spaghetti bolognesi". "How much for a room?"

Have you been?

Little Italy. In New York.

Someday, though.

Wanna go with me?


Look...

this was a mistake.

Yeah. Of course, I know.

Oh, Jesus...

I'm sorry. I shouldn't have come here.

No, please.

Please, don't-- don't tell me that you're "just visiting".

That you "need to leave".

I'm the one who needs to leave.

What the fuck is goin' on, man?

You do wanna be a girl? You're into guys now?

No.

I just had to be sure, Keen.

You know, I am now.

What about Michelle?

It's sort of a Catch-22, you know?

I make out with a girl, I start turning into one.

You gotta admit, that's a little weird.

Hey. Let's get outta here.

Can I give you a ride somewhere?

Janine's?

No, why don't you go see her?

Think you're more her type.

I'll see ya around.

"See me around"?

Yeah.

Look, I'm gonna find my own place, okay?

This is gettin' too fuckin' weird for me.

I'm goin' to Dr. Catchadourian's tonight.

I'm gonna make this stop, Keen.


I've got to admit...

I'm relieved that you made your decision.

I don't think I could've lived with myself, if...

...we'd just gone ahead without your being certain.

To womanhood!

To manhood!

So... how do we do this?

We just do it...

And your gender locks, and you can't just change anytime you want.

Do you like my dress?

Yeah. Yeah, sure.

Looks great on you.

Oh man, dresses...

Even without everything else...

...dresses are reason enough right there to stay a guy.

What's that for?

You never did it with a Z before.

Believe me, you need to be tied down.

Does it hurt?

Trust me, I'm a doctor.

When two Z's do it, the lateral hypothalamus gets completely overwhelmed...

Oh, man...

What's happening?

No! No!

Noooooo!

Now, look me in the eye and tell me that wasn't the best sex you've ever had.

You're Adulmorphic now.

The only way you can switch is if you do it with another Z.

Oh, for Christ's sake. Being a woman doesn't make you any less of a man!


Shit.

Where is she?

Whoa. I guess I really didn't think you were gonna go this way.

Okay. Whatever.

Hang on a sec...

Look, I need to tell you something.

Janine and I split up.

Yeah.

All I ever did was piss her off.

I'm not even sure she even wants a guy.

I gotta get her back, man.

Luke, I'm-- I'm really sorry about earlier, what I said.

Oh, it's like... the whole world's blown apart on me, you know?

Man, you havin' tits now is just weird.

Jeremy...

Yeah.

Are you on a break?

Yeah.

You have the coolest shirts.

Do I know you?

Not entirely.

Sidney.

Brought you a beer.

Janine said he's definitely there.

Did she mention me?

God, I'm so glad you want to be a guy.

You are absolutely sure, right?

I mean, 'cause it's totally cool, either way.

I just don't want you to think I'm zerophobic, or somethin'.

What do you think?

I mean, if I wasn't 100% sure which one I'm supposed to be.

If you had to say.

All I know is, every time you look at Michelle, or think about her, you smile.

What the hell else do you need to know?

It's not right. She should be with a normal guy.

Oh, what, you don't get to be with anyone?

That why they call it "zerophilia"?

She's not gonna want some guy who thinks maybe he's supposed to be a girl sometimes.

How do you know? Did you ask her?

No way I'm gonna ask her that.

Well, you have to.

Where are your nads, man?

We'll get 'em back.

Over here!

Son of a bitch!

We're doin' it, right now!

I can't. I'm sorry.

"I'm sorry"? Fuck you! Fuck me! Now!

It won't work.

We're doing it, right here.

But I'm gay!

So what?

So we both have to be into it, or nothing happens.

Such bullshit.

That's why I became a woman in the first place.

I couldn't handle it. Figured if I was female, it was okay to like guys.

So you're tellin' me, 'cause you're straight as a girl and I'm straight as a guy, we can screw and switch, but...

'cause you're straight as a girl, and I'm gay as a guy, even if we do it...

...I'm just screwed?

Jeez. I need trigonometry to figure this thing out.

Maybe you're 'bi'.

Trust me, girls do nothing for me. Zilch!

You, on the other hand...

Dude, no.

What am I gonna do?

Maybe he's lying. I say, screw him anyway!

Fine.

Fine! Fine.

Waste of time.

Michelle.

Oh, man.

It's not what you think.

What does she think?

You're an asshole!

Keenan, I just want you to know...

Jeremy, please, I so profoundly don't care if you're queer.

Trust me, around here, that's nothin'!

I don't believe this. You slept with that guy?

It's not what you think.

Oh, please! What about Max?

What about him?

Don't you care about him at all?

Not like that: I'm straight! I'm attracted to you!

Oh, who cares, you idiot!

No. This'll sound crazy, but I'm not who you think I am.

Oh, Christ, Luke. "Luca". I know who you are!

You know I'm a Zerophiliac?

Yes! So you can just go fuck yourself. Literally!

Does Max know who I am?

So what if he does?

Do you?

He's a guy!

And you're a girl!

No, I'm not!

I'm not supposed to be!

There's no supposed to be anything, you just are!

Is that what you think? No!

I can't believe you slept with him!

He was a woman! I was tricked. I didn't know that I'd switch.

You're gonna tell me he's a Z too?

Yes!

Well, that's just perfect.

What, is there something in the water around here?

She told me it would make it stop.

So what? Why's that so important to you?

There's no way this was ever gonna work out.

Because I'm a Zerophiliac.

Because you can't stand being one! Bye, Luca.

Luke.

Michelle!

What?

Look, I know he has a lot to figure out, but that has nothing to do with it.

Sleeping with that guy...

I promised myself I would never be in this situation again. I swore it.

But Luke is different.

We all are. Bye, Janine.


What's it like, to really make love?

The best part's lyin' there afterwards.

Really close, really far.

Like goin' to the moon, maybe.

Yeah... They should open a pizza joint up there.

What am I gonna do?

Maybe, uh... maybe being a woman'll work out okay.

Like being an elevated member of the male species.

Elevated "member"?

Christ, Janine. I'm just saying... maybe he'll learn to like it.

And that's so hard to conceive!

Will you shut up? What do you want, a written guarantee?

You're so damn lucky! You're into him, he's into you.

Super-glue!

What the hell else do you need to know?

I think you're the female half of me.

And you're the macho half of me.

And I don't know what half of who the hell I am.

So what are you gonna do?

I don't know.

I prefer being a guy, but I'm a girl.

I'm attracted to Max, but I'm in love with Michelle.

It's like I'm supposed to be both.

Not too practical. But, at least, now I know.


Hey.

Hey.

I know she doesn't want to speak to me right now. But, um... do you know where I can find her?

New York. Left two days ago.

Oh, man.

Are you staying here?

Probably just 'til Friday.

I wanted to...

...apologize to her.

Uhm... I don't know. Forget it.

Obviously, there's never gonna be anything between me and her, but I just...

...I wanted her to know how much I, uh...

and that I wasn't cheating on her, that I was just trying to be a man for her.

She'd have a field day with that one, huh?

True.

Anyway, if you see her will you tell her that I'm sorry and that...

I wish her the best, ...everything.

Thanks.

I'm sorry to you, too.

For what?

Mixed signals, I guess.

Ow! Son-of-a-bitch!

Are you alright?

Think I stepped on a nail.

So, how you're you doing with all this?

You definitely had me confused.

For whatever it's worth. I think you're a pretty

...hot guy.

Thanks.

But you're not interested?

I couldn't do that to Michelle.

Too bad you're a moron.

Excuse me?

I have incontrovertible proof.


Hey.

Hey!

Good morning.

What's up?

Are you still afraid I'm going to bolt?

And leave me stuck.

What do you want, a gender prenup?

Maybe.

I have to go to work.

No.

Only place I'm going is back to sleep.

No. I can't show up at work like this.

Oh, yeah.