Zoolander 2 (2016) Script

Sting!

Sting, open up! It's Bieber!

Sting! Come on! Sting!

It's Bieber, bro! Open the door!

Oh, fudge!

You can't kill us all.

We will protect the Chosen One.


Uh-huh.

Peace out, world.

Peace out.

Valentina, he was pronounced dead 13 minutes ago.

I can't believe it.

Justin Bieber?

No.

The sixth pop star to die in the last year.

And all with that look.

As if they were trying to tell us something.

That look.

There's only one person on Earth who would know how to interpret this look.

It's a dead end, Valentina.

No one has seen that man in years.

Then God help us all.

Shocking. Stupefying.

Something out of a Hollywood disaster movie.

Just a few of the ways New Yorkers described what happened today as Derek Zoolander's Center for Kids Who Can't Read Good and Who Wanna Learn to Do Other Stuff Good, Too literally collapsed into the East River only two days after its official opening.

Students and teachers were evacuated.

And while Zoolander and his son, Derek Jr., were unharmed, sadly, his wife, Matilda Jeffries-Zoolander, has reportedly died.

I just feel lucky no one from my family was hurt!

She was crushed by the book?

A vigil is being held tonight for the other chisel-cheeked lion of the modeling kingdom, Hansel, who is reported to have sustained permanent injury to his breathtaking face after being trapped beneath a burning beam.

Although authorities are still investigating, the cause of the disaster is believed to be Zoolander's mind-boggling decision to build the reading center out of the actual materials that were used to construct the original architectural model.

Clothing designer Jacob Moogberg, AKA Jacobim Mugatu was sentenced today to two consecutive life terms in a maximum security fashion prison for his role in the attempted assassination of the Malaysian Prime Minister.

His co-conspirator, modeling agent Maury Ballstein, turned state's witness...

I'll give you anything you want on that fakakta fink.

...in exchange for relocation in the Witness Protection Program.

Back in the news tonight, former model, negligent builder, now unfit parent, Derek Zoolander.

This footage was taken by a neighbor across from Zoolander's SoHo loft.

D.J., how did Mommy make it soft?

The Child Protection Agency removed Zoolander's son, Derek Jr. late last night in a daring midnight raid placing him in the custody of the state.

Which is why it pains me to say that effective immediately, I will retire from modeling and live alone as a hermit crab.

I will now be anonymous and known only as...

Eric...

Toolander.

And finally tonight, here's something to make you feel old.

Incredible as it may sound, of the over 3.7 million high school graduates this year less than 2% could tell you what a fax machine is, name a Caucasian President, or know who Derek Zoolander was.

Was... Was... Was...


Go away.

Derek! Open up, it's me.

I'm sorry, traveler, you must have lost your way.

No one lives here by that name.

Right. Sorry. I mean, Eric.

I've got your mail.

Billy Zane. It's been years.

Where's my regular mailperson, Ingvar?

He couldn't make it.

I was in the neighborhood, I thought I'd stop by.

Got your Netflix.

Whoa, Jack Ryan...

...and Jack Reacher.

Tonight's gonna be a total Jack-off.

You have something else here.

What is it?

Open it.

Gryootings, Derek Zoolownder.

Are you a Boxtroll?

That's Alexanya Atoz, owner of the largest fashion empire in the world.

Because you are one of the world's true fishion icons, I have personal selected you to come to Rome...

The Eturnanal Cyootee...

To muddel my nyouest colleeauction by my hoottest now designer...

Doon Atari.

Who?

Don Atari.

He's "it" in fashion right now.

People would die to be in his show.

I can't.

I'm a hermit crab now.

Gryootings, Derek Zoolownder.

I already told you!

It's like you're not even listening to me!

Derek, uh...

Eric.

Maybe it's time to engage with the world again.

Think about it, man. This could be a sign.

And what if it's a stop sign, Billy?

I used to be a successful model/fashion icon.

Now, I'm just a model/failure.

Slash-guy who is still a model/father.

Slash-guy who killed his wife using cheap building materials that collapsed on her.

Slash-guy who has got to stop beating himself up about that!

Slash-guy who couldn't make spaghetti soft so they took away his son, so-slash-now he's alone and hiding from the world.

Slash.

Slash-have you ever even tried to get your son back?

You can do that?

Yeah. You'd hire a litigator, he files the appropriate paperwork...

But I don't even know where he is.

First things first.

If you take this job that Alexanya's offering you, you could prove to Child Services that you're a productive member of society again.

Go to Rome.

Find yourself.

Become the father you were meant to be and get your boy back.

Safe journey, my friend!

Thanks, Billy!


What have you got?

Ball and chain not happy.

Sorry I'm late!

Oh, my gosh.

I was finishing up Shavasana and this sandstorm kicked up out of nowhere.

I'm okay, though.

Ah, Natalka, you look beautiful.

Really?

Yes, really.

Dinner is ruined!

Guys, I told you not to wait for me, didn't I?

Remember, we talked about this.

Can't we just take it slow?

When I met you guys two years ago, it was the best orgy of my life.

Let's get back to that feeling.

It's there.

Hansel.

Every relationship has to evolve.

And somehow, you've managed to stay the same.

But you're gonna have to change, my man.

'Cause change, she is a-comin'.

What?

Natalka.

All of you?

How is this even possible?

We thought you'd be happy.

Well, I am happy.

That, uh...

It's just a lot to process, and that's what I'm doing.

To be honest, I've never seen myself in this role, you know, as a...

You mean a father?

Well... Uh... I...

Let me... I want to check on...

On the camel here!

Who am I?

Who am I?

Hey, Hansel!

Billy Zane?

Got your Netflix.

And this.


Thanks very much. No, it's my bag.

Excuse me, I think that's...

No, trust me, this is my bag.

Just look at the ticket right here. Hansel.

Never heard of him, honcho.

Look right here at the ticket and you can see that...

Derek Zoolander.

Hi. It's been a long time.

Yeah. Not long enough.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I think I should peace.

Wait a minute!

We haven't seen each other since...

Since the building you designed fell on my face and ruined my career?

Yeah, it's been a while.

It was an accident. I didn't mean to...

You didn't mean to build the support beams out of popsicle sticks and highly-flammable rubber cement?

That was just a little accident?

Yeah.

This is it. Forever.

Because I promise you, this is the last time we will ever see each other.

Right here, this moment.

Good-bye forever.

Works for me.

Hope you're not an epiplectic, because we're about to get blinded.

Yep. Here we go.

Susan Boyle, right here!

Take a picture of that!

Vultures!

I guess with my beard and your disgusting face, they don't know who we are.

Derek! Hansel!

Hey, boys. I'm Vip.

Vip? Yeah.

I'm in charge of social media for Don Atari.

I've been working for him since I was 10.

How old are you now?

Eleven.

Should we go to the hotel?

Pretty strange, you and I both getting called back to the big stage like this.

A gig's a gig. I'm just doing this to get my son back.

Explain how doing a fashion show's gonna accomplish that.

Simple. Child Services hears I'm working again, KKK, a responsible parent, and they give me my son back.

Responsible parent?

What? You don't think I could be one?

No, it just brings up some junk from the past.

I didn't have a father.

It's kind of my big issue right now.

You didn't have a father? Nah.

All my mom ever told me was my dad was a beat cop.

Always on the road.

The road away from little Hansel.

Valentina. You're going to want to see this.

Check out Mr. Disco Barry Gibb.

Zoolander is in Rome?

Welcome to the Palazzo D'Caca.

The entire hotel is biodegradable and made from reclaimed human waste.

This is the ultra-exclusive, fully-toxic, Zero-Footprint Suite.

The masseuses at the spa are all homeless.

And the hotel has complimentary farm-to-table Wi-Fi.

Wait... We're rooming together?

Mmm-hmm.

There must be some mistake.

I'll call Billy Zane.

Good idea.

Look, tiny phone! That is so retro.

I'm gonna take a picture of it with my phone.

This is Billy Zane. I'm not here right...

Well, Don Atari is waiting for you down in the lobby.

Oh, and don't drink the water or you'll die.

I just have one question.

Yeah?

What in the world is farm-to-table Wi-Fi?

You're asking me?

Muchacho, I have no idea.

For serious? No!

Because when Vip said that, you had this look on your face, like, "I totally know what farm-to-table Wi-Fi is!"

I was acting cool 'cause I thought you knew.

I thought you knew!

No, I just didn't want Vip to think I was uncool!

I miss not knowing things with you.

Yeah. Me, too.

Why didn't we do this sooner?

Because we've both been in hiding since the day I killed my wife and permanently disfigured you.

Oh, yeah, that's probably it.

That was the day I lost the fire.

The fire?

The fire in my face.

It's kind of my big issue right now.

You still got it, D-Zone. You're Derek Zoolander.

You stopped a Chinese throwing star in mid-air with a look.

I was there.

That's not me anymore.

Yes, it is.

Hey, flash me that beautiful look.

Give me that incredible Magnum.

No!

Think fast. Magnum.

Wait, no!

Magnum! Now!

Oh!

Come on! You got this, but you got to focus!

Come on! Hansel, stop!

You got this! Yeah!

Maybe we could try a wash cloth?

Tequila! Hansel, no!

No! It's not working!

Ah, you're right.

What happened to us?

You mean me.

You still have it.

No, I don't.

Look at this face. It's a horror show.

Come on, Hansel. It can't be that bad.

It is.

Take off your mask. No.

No way.

No one's ever seen me without this mask.

And no one ever will.

I think I know the real you.

And it has nothing to do with the way you look.

You mean that?

Of course, I do.

Okay.

No!

It's disgusting! Put it back!

I was wrong, please, put the mask back on! It's so gross!

I can't be friends with you if you look like that! Please!

It is so disgusting! Please, put it back!

Please, Hansel, put it back, I was wrong!

No. This feels good.

Could you please put the mask back on so I can concentrate on what you're saying?

No! I'm done hiding.

Look, there's only one way for us to find ourselves.

Know what that is?

Look inward and connect with our authentic truth?

No. I was gonna say become the two biggest, hottest models in the world again.

Okay.

Okay. So what say we get you cleaned up, shave that billy goat beard, go downstairs and show these punks what real fashion looks like?


Oh, my God. Yes, dude!

Yes! You guys look so lame. I love it, dude.

You ninjas dressed up all old-school just to meet me.

So Jedi.

You guys suck. Both of you guys suck.

You look great.

Thanks.

I'm Don Atari. What up?

What up, Hansel?

Yeah. That's sick.

Wait a minute. "I'll call Billy...".

I just said that!

I know. Like, 15 minutes ago, right?

Vip told me, so I made these retro shirts with your old catchphrase on it.

Cool.

Hey, let me introduce my collective, dude.

They're all losers, I hate these guys.

We got TRS-80, KITT...

Rubik, my man Gleek.

Eh, this guy gives the best shitty tattoos ever.

He's a genius. His tattoos are so stupid.

He's the one who did my Colonel Sanders.

Look at that, pretty epic, huh?

It sucks, I don't like it, dude.

Why would I do this to myself? I never wanted this on me.

I love it, dude. I got it when my grandfather died.

That's really cool.

So, uh, what's the deal with the show?

Yeah, where do you want us to fire up this chainsaw?

Colosseum? Trevi Fountain? Spanish Steps?

What? No way, dude.

Those places are gnar-gnar bo-bo.

We're holding it in an abandoned medical waste facility on top of an industrial trash heap.

It's totally toxic, but super chill.

Cool! Sounds dope.

Yeah, fresh.

Oh, what?

You guys are like, "Sounds dope!" "Fresh!"

They're doing the voices and everything!

I didn't think you guys would do the voices. That's sick!

"Sounds dope! Sounds fresh!"

I don't like you guys. It's an honor to have you.

Hey, retreads!

I want to introduce you all to my muse and basically, like, the biggest supermodel in the whole world right now, dude.

This is All.

All what?

We are All.

So, are you like a male model or a female model?

All is not defined by binary constructs.

That's cool. I don't like labels, either.

But I think he's asking, do you have a hot dog or a bun?

Do you have a wiener or vergiener?

All is all to all.

By the way, All just married hermself, dude.

Monomarriage is finally legal in Italy.

I support that.

Derek, that's pretty good, right?

Uh, I'm sorry, are you not comfortable with people like All in the workplace or something?

No. Of course, I am.

I mean, like, if your son or whatever came to you and said, "Hey, Dad, I really want to marry All," like, wouldn't you be so stoked for that?

Isn't that, like, exactly what you want?

Imagine All walking in, being like, "We'll finally be together."

You'd be like hella stoked for that, right?

Yeah.

I'd be, like, totally stoked.

All is done here. Atari.

See you, fools.

Guys, Alexanya Atoz is here!

The show must begin now!

Wow. Alexanya Atoz.

They say she doesn't walk. She just floats.

She looks even better in person.

Ah, I got those juices flowing again.

Just put us out there. Let us do our thing.

Come on! Come on!

Chop, chop! Lay down, lay down!

Get in, get in. Take off your robes.

Go! Go! Go!

Derek! I have a really good feeling about this.

I know. I feel so alive!

Oh!

"Old"?

"Lamé"?

Ha! Yah!

Quit it, All!

Hot dog! It's definitely a hot dog!

All is done.

"Prunes"?

So let me tell you what I think worked.

I think we got to shake off some of the rust.

I was trying out a few new looks, although it might have been hard to see through all the dates, or, was it, you know, prunes?

Hansel, are you insane?

We were a joke out there.

A total laughing stick.

What do you want me to say? I mean, I know...

I know we looked like idiots, but I'm trying to make the best of it!

Knuck, knuck!

Not now! We...

You...

...two...

...vere amowzing.

Deeryuck.

Your fece so hundsome.

Und, Hansel, so stemmy.

Ridowkulously stemmy and hyot.

I'm sorry. I can't understand a word that you're saying.

I want to invite you to be my gyuests at the most elite fishion event in housetory.

The IncrediBall.

Oh, what!

The IncrediBall?

Is that like the Met Ball?

No, sveet, stupid Deryuck.

For the first time in the housetory of fishion, all of the most important designers will come together under one rureff.

I trust you will be dere with your hyot and stemmy feces.

Dudes. Holy Shazbot! What!

You're guys are gonna be the center-pizzle of IncrediBall!

What does that mean?

The center-pizzle of IncrediBall.

That was bananas, Johnny.

I'm done.

What? Derek, what are you talking about?

Did you not hear what they just said?

We're going to be the center of the IncrediBall.

I can only pray that nobody from Child Services attended the show or I'll never get little Derek back.

What about all the attention?

This is exactly what we were talking about!

No, Hansel. It's exactly what you were talking about.

We don't fit in anymore.

Don Atari and All and that creepy little Vip!

I don't want any part of it! Derek.

Derek!

Derek! D-rock!


Derek Zoolander?

Yes.

Valentina Valencia.

Interpol, Global Fashion Division.

Fashion Police? We're clean, lady. Go harass somebody else.

Besides, I'm out of fashion.

I need to talk to you.

It has to do with the death of Justin Bieber.

His death is not my problem.

Look, I'm trying to find out who's killing the pop stars of the world.

And I think you're my only chance.

What part of "not my problem" did you not understand?

None of it.

So you did understand the part about it not being my problem, or you didn't understand any part of it not being a part of my problem?

No, no, no, Derek.

I think what she's saying is that she understands what you're saying, but she doesn't accept it.

Hansel! It's all too confusing.

I thought coming here would help me find myself, and possibly my son.

But this is more than I bargained for.

This hermit crab is crawling back into his planetarium.

I can use the database at Interpol to help you find your son.

If you help me.

I think we got to play ball with her.

She's got some kind of database or something that she says will help us find little Derek.

And she's hot.

I trust her.


So, before Bieber died, he Twitpic'd this look.

He posted it to the blogspot for his summer concert tour.

He was trying to send a message.

It's Blue Steel, right?

What are you, a fucking idiot?

Yeah, that's Blue Steel.

My question is, is Interpol one of those socialist things where they hire mentally-impaired people?

I... I know.

That's right.

I heard your mother worked here.

Oh, snap!

My mother doesn't work here.

No more games, okay?

Is this Blue Steel or not?

Not even close.

I knew what it was the moment I saw it.

It's an old one... From the 90s.

It was for a body lotion campaign I did.

I called it "Aqua Vitae".


Young forever.

Moo!

Still holds up.

Notice the curvature of my right eyebrow.

It's night and day from Blue Steel.

He's right.

When I overlay them, there are over 14,000 different facial anomalies.

Wow.

I had no idea there was so much subtlety involved.

Please accept my apologies, Derek.

None taken.

Whoa!

Filippo, we need to find everything there is on Aqua Vitae.

Hold on a second, lady. A deal's a deal.

Now, you help me find my son.

Sure.

His name is Derek Jr.?

Yes.

Have you ever Facebooked him?

No, thanks. Matilda facebooked...

...and it killed her.

Found him.

He's at the Orphanage Del Piccolo Cletusi.

Here.

In Rome.

Wait. What?

He's in Rome.

That's convenient. So we can hit that party at the IncrediBall.

A little too convenient.

Someone wants you here, guys.

But who?

Listen to me.

Be careful at the orphanage.

And trust no one at House of Atoz.

I'll see what I can find.


Thanks for coming with me. I feel kind of nervous.

Hey. You're showing up. Feel good.

That must be him.

Where?

He's even more gorgeous than I imagined.

You're a lucky man.

You there. Boy.

What's his name? Who?

Him?

That's Fabrizio.

Fabrizio.

What a beautiful name.

He used to be called Derek Jr.

Really? That's strange, 'cause that's my name.

Bye, mister.

Let's go. What?

Let's go. Why?

I can't do this.

Why not?

He's fat! The fat one is Derek Jr.

No, that chubby kid's name is Fatlander.

I heard them call him that.

Don't you get it? He switched the "Zoo" part with "Fat".

That's how he came up with "Fatlander". Fat equals Zoo!

So wait. You're saying that just because your son is fat that makes him some sort of terrible person?

Maybe you're right.

No, I'm asking.

Does being fat make someone a terrible person?

And I'm agreeing with you.

I seriously think my fat son might be a terrible person.

And it doesn't make him a good person, I know that.

But I don't know what to say.

I think you better puddle-talk it out.

So I guess I have a lot to ponder.

You sure do.

Derek.

What? Who's that?

I don't know. It wasn't me.

Derek.

Derek.

Ghost of Matilda? Is that really you?

Yes, Derek.

I'm sorry I haven't been in touch, but I've just been so dead.

Listen.

You must love our son.

He needs you.

But beware of the Headmaster.

What's happening to you?

Love our son.

Ew! And beware the Headmaster.

Hello.

I'm the Headmaster.

Derek Zoolander...

...I'm assuming.

Because I've never met you ever.

Mr. Hansel informs me that you'd like to see your son.

Easily arranged. Come.

I should tell you, your son is incredibly gifted.

Hello.

If you want to find the Spirits in the Material World, you need to talk to the Ghost in the Machine.

What? Who is this?

I have a Message in a Bottle for you, so don't go to The Police.

Okay, don't go to the police 'cause there's a message in a bottle.

Okay, I got it.

Now go prank call someone else, idiot.

Here they are now.

Hey, there, sport.

I hear someone's a fat little smartypants.

I'll leave you to it, then.

I'm gonna let you two catch up and maybe hit the spa back at the Caca.

Look, I know you have a lot of unresolved feelings, but I'm still your father.

You're not my father. You weren't there.

That wasn't my choice. I was there when you were little.

Most kids play catch with their father.

They don't go with them to a thong shoot.

There are lots of starving children in Africa who would die to go to a thong shoot.

What?

Look, let me make it up to you.

Let's go play ball-catching now.

Ball-catching?

So how's the family reunion going?

Great. I'd like to check him out for a few hours, if that's okay.

Sure. As long as he's back by sundown.

He seems like a nice guy.

You seem like an idiot.

Okay, I think I know what would help right now.

What?

Frozen chocolata gelato!

Ciao!

Oh, my God!

Hashtag, oops.

You know, sometimes it takes an extremely traumatic experience to make you appreciate a good makeover.

Am I right?

Derek?

Derek Jr.!

Are you mentally insane? What?

What are you reading? I Am Malalalala?

No books! Think of your mother.

What's the big deal? Mom read tons of books.

And a one-ton book killed her.

The book didn't kill Mom. You did.

And you nearly killed me, too.

Come on. Look at us. We look ridiculous.

What, okay, maybe your pants are a little loose.

Are you serious right now? What?

I don't want to be anything like you!

You're a has-been!

And you are the most narcissistic, self-involved person I've ever met!

But that's not how I think of me.

I'm going back to school.

Little Derek, come back here!

I thought we were gonna give each other facials!

Wait.

How did you learn to speak Italian?

Because I'm smart!

Mom was smart, too.

The only stupid thing she ever did was fall in love with you.

I don't even have the words to express what a burn that is.

I don't know what to say.

No, I mean I literally don't have the vocabulary to respond.

You're like a walking Tyrannosaurus.

You mean "walking thesaurus".

I don't know.

I guess it's nice that you want to reconnect or whatever.

But we're too different.

And it's too late.

Thanks for the gelato.

Orgy.

Hi there, Hansel.

I heard you are on the rebound.

No, no. I'm still... Still committed.

We're just taking a little time to kind of...

Doesn't mean we can't enjoy each other's bodies.

Oh, damn it.

Hansel.

Meaningless sex always makes me feel better about myself.

Come on.

Ooh.

Hansel!

We know you're in there!

Stay here. Stay here.

Hansel, let us in! We want to apologize!

Come back to the pigpile, Hansel.

Touch-a, touch-a, touch me. I want to be dirty.

That's it. I've had enough. Everybody, back up.

Back! Back!

Hello! Hello!

Ah.

My gosh.

God... Ow!

Oh, Hansel.

Okay. You guys have a talk. I'm going to a bar.

That's a good idea. Yeah, go.

Hey...

You are a basic bitch.

Come on, let's go. Come on. Out.

I can kill you.

Please. Let me just explain.

Guys, you didn't even give me a chance to explain!

Hansel, how can you expect to love 11 people when you don't even love yourself?

I hope they were worth it.

That's not fair.

Kiefer!

Kiefer!

Hey, where did everybody go? I wasn't done with that hippo.

Who am I?

Who am I?

Derek? Hey, Hansel.

Are you trying to figure out who you are, also?

Yep.

♪ Who am I? ♪ Hey, Katy!

Yeah, it's like, when will we find out who we really are?

I know, right?

Who am I?

Neil deGrasse Tyson.

Even you don't know who you are?

In an ever-expanding universe, slowly pulling itself apart into nothingness, what use does the question "Who am I?" even have?

Neil, I got to say, you're totally blowing my mind right now.

That's what I do.

I'm Neil deGrasse Tyson, bitch.

Whoo!

Hansel! Derek! You have to come to Interpol!

I have incredible news!

We did a full diagnostic on your Aqua Vitae look, and a linguistics analysis on its etymology.

The direct translation is "Water of Life."

But many have interpreted it another way.

"The Fountain of Youth".

Okay, look, I only worked there for a summer.

And, no, they don't give happy endings.

No, Derek. The actual Fountain of Youth.

Can you imagine if the Fountain of Youth indeed does exist...

And if Alexanya Atoz could market such a liquid...

Do you ever get that feeling when you see beautiful teenager girl with perfect skin and you want to kill her and take her skin and put it on your skin?

We bottled that feeling.

House of Atoz Yowth Milk.

...she would make billions.

Excuse me.

Orgy?

You are in serious danger.

Don't Stand So Close To Me.

Come on. It's this prank caller again.

Put it on speaker. What... Why?

Just put it on speaker!

Who is this?

I am your King of Pain.

Every breath this guy takes, I'm like, "What are you talking about?"

Oh, Jesus.

Just meet me at Saint Peter's Basilica at midnight.

Sounds like this guy's really into Sting.

I model my life after Sting.

And Bieber was killed in front of Sting's villa.

What?


Forgive me, Father.

I have many sins that I would like to confess.

One of my sins has to do with the death of Justin Bieber.

No way.

Hey, Derek.

Hey, Sting.

And hello, sweet Hansel.

Hi.

You two know each other?

Sadly, we've never met.

And yet I feel like I've known you...

...my entire life.

Tell me.

Have you heard of the Fountain of Youth?

Yes. Why does everybody keep asking me that?

No, Derek, not the hand job joint you worked at in SoHo.

The real Fountain of Youth.

It dates back some 6,000 years.

Its original location is thought to have been the Garden of Eden.

You mean the Turkish bathhouse I used to work at in Tribeca?

No, Derek. The Garden of Eden.

The birthplace of Adam and Eve and Steve.

Steve? Who's Steve?

Steve is the original supermodel.

The first of the purebloods.

He was said to be so beautiful, with a look so powerful...

...that even the pools of water he gazed upon could not reflect his beauty back to him.

That look...

That look was called "El Niño".

But, honestly, I've never heard of Steve.

Countless lives throughout history have been lost to make sure of that.

Evil forces have hunted his offspring for centuries.

For the legend states that if you wrench the still-beating heart from the gorgeous body of a true descendent of Steve and drink its blood, you will obtain eternal beauty.

So the Fountai n of Youth is not a fountain at all.

The Fountain of Youth is...

A person.

And not just anyone.

A direct descendent of Steve.

The Chosen One.

How do you know all this?

Because I, and many rock stars like me, are his protectors.

You see, there are only a few genes that separate the greatest rock stars in history from male models.

Which genes are those?

The ones for talent and intelligence.

Of course.

We were entrusted to protect the Chosen Ones.

But who is the Chosen One?

We believe it is your son.

And that he is in grave danger.

But he's back at the school!

We have to get to him before something terrible happens to him!

No. Wait. Hansel. Look into my eyes.

Is there anything you want to ask me?

Anything at all?

Do you really have sex for ten hours?

No comment.

Fifteen.

Farewell, my handsome boy.

Farewell. Good-bye, Sting.

Bolt cutters!

He's gone!

It's like no one was ever here.

It was a wig.

What?

It was a wig the whole time.

That was a wig?

That Headmaster wasn't a good guy at all!

No!

No! No! No!

Derek!

Derek, relax!

Don't do it.

When you want to go to it.

Filippo. - Si.

I need you to pull up everything you have on the man who was arrested back in 2001 for brainwashing Zoolander.

Facial scans to be cross-referenced with security footage of the headmaster of the orphanage.

It's a positive I.D.

The Headmaster didn't have a name or papers.

Oh, my God.

It's the evil breakdancing DJ.

He was arrested with Mugatu and his accomplice back in 2001.

It's Katinka Ingaborgovinananananana.

Where are they now?

Ingaborgovinanananana disappeared off the grid.

It looks like the Evil DJ came through the Swiss border with forged papers about three weeks ago.

I suppose they could have...

Driven to Rome and kid napped Derek's son.

Exactly!

Which means the person behind all of this is...

Who?

Who?

Who are we talking about?

Mugatu's in there.

For ten years, there has only been one name on the list of visitors that he will allow.

Thank you.

For what?

For helping us.

When I was a little girl growing up in Albacete, my room was covered in pictures of Derek Zoolander.

The most amazing model alive.

Except I'm not one anymore.

My son called me a has-been.

I'm a has-been.

What kind of has-been were you?

I was a swimsuit model.

I'm so sorry. My heart goes out to you.

I was never able to transition to print or runway.

To your world of high fashion.

Because of these.

These intrusive, oversized naturals.

These things could never fit into a sample size.

Gross.

You need to go for this now...

Not later. Now.

Hansel, are you serious? Yes.

While Matilda lies warm in her grave?

Matilda's been dead for years. You need to move on.

Honestly, by now she's just a couple of teeth.

A piece of spine.

Maybe a little skull fragment, like that guy from Tales from the Crypt.

The Crypt Keeper.

Hansel, stop it! I'm not ready.

The world's most notorious fashion criminals are in there.

Be careful, Derek. He'll try to get inside your head.

Don't worry. It's closed for business.

Give 'em hell, Derek.

You're goin' down, Zoolander!

You're goin' down, listen to me!

You better listen to the Hammer! Can't touch this!

No! No! Zoolander can't touch Mugatu! No!

Shut up, Hammer!

Members Only. Members Only.

Epaulettes are not a crime.

Smart casual. Smart casual.

You can't touch him!

Mr. Hammer is wrong!


Derek Zoolander.

I've been expecting you.

What have you done with my son?

Hands.

Our most overrated appendage.

When not allowed the use of them, you'd be surprised how quickly feet can be trained to do the exact same thing.

Your son is doing wonderfully.

From what the school tells my offshore accountant...

He's incredibly smart.

Your accountant?

Who do you think paid for that fancy orphanage?

When he was taken away from you, someone had to make sure he got his eight square meals a day.

Eight? You bastard!

I'm sorry. I'd love to keep talking about this, but I seem to have developed a nasty itch.

I'd ask you to scratch it for me, but no doubt you'd think I was just trying to trick you.

Or you're trying to make me think I shouldn't help you.

In which case, I should do the opposite of that and help you.

Or don't help me.

I think that's even a better option.

You're trying to switch it around on me, but I won't take the bait.

Sorry, Mugatu.

I'm going with my first instinct.

And helping you.

I really wish you wouldn't.

Too late. The die is cast.

I'd prefer that you didn't.

I'm going to do it.

Please don't.

Let me go!

Not until you untie my straitjacket and put it on, okay?

If I do, will you let me go?

No!

Which means you will let me go.

So I'll do it.

Oh, my gosh.

Okay!

Check and mate, Mugatu.

Your move.

You really are an idiot, aren't you?

Like, super, super white hot, blazingly stupid.

For ten long years...

I've been plotting my escape from this dreadful place.

For ten long years. For ten long years.

Ten years spent creating some of the most realistic and lifelike masks...

...ever made.

One for you.

And one for me.

All so that today...

...you can become me!

And I can become...

...you!

That's it?

You'll never get away with this.

All of the guards here are former male models.

Somehow I don't think it's gonna be a problem.

Guard! Guard!

Will that be all, Mr. Zoolander?

That will be all.

No!

No!

Come back here, Mugatu!

Mugatu!


Go get Derek!

What?

Go get Derek!

And tell my orgy I love them!

Todd!

Where's my goddamn latte?


Oh, and, um, here.

What's that?

I missed you, too.


Alexanya!

Moo-Moo!


Alexanya!

Oh, no. Hey, sorry to interrupt.

What?

Don Atari, what are you doing here?

Don't you knuck?

Mugatu? What? No way, dude.

I thought you were supposed to be in jail, dude.

You're like some dangerous criminal that tried to assassinate a world leader, dude.

That was some crazy retro-Bond shit.

So corny. I loved it.

Who are you?

Uh, hello! I know you been all Shawshanked out, but, like, seriously, I'm the new stupid king of fashion, whatever.

Don Atari, baby.

What!

So you know who I am, right?

Derelicte was the dumbest, dude.

You and SpongeBob are, honestly, like, my biggest influences ever, dude.

And did you just escape from prison in the most ingenious way possible?

Uh, what?

And did you engineer the abduction and fattening of the son of Zoolander, and delivery of the Chosen One for ritual sacrifice as the key to the Fountain of Youth?

Did you?

Did you? Did you do that?

Naw. Naw?

Naw.

Naw? Naw.

Did you say "naw"?

I... I said... "naw".

So, I just want to ask you again.

Do you know who I am?

Whatever, you're...

I'm Jaca-boo-who?

Jacobim Mugatu.

That's right!

I'm Jacobim Mugatu!

Fashion genius.

And you...

You are no one!

Do you understand me?

No one!

I'm the Mamba Bajamba!

I'm the Mamba Bajamba!

Todd!

You'll take my name into death!

You should know, I actually care about everybody and everything very truly...

That's right! I just killed a little hipster!

Yeah!

Prison changed me deeply!

It affected me psychologically.

I'm a psycho!

This is just the beginning. Watch out!

Buyer beware!

Now where is that chubby little blood fountain?

Hansel!

Guys, Mugatz just killed Atari.

For serious?

Also, they're going to kill your son tonight.

What?

Hang on. I'm gonna try and get more intel.

What's going on?

Why did you kidnap me?

I didn't kidnap you. Don't be a silly-billy.

I'm just a fun, non-threatening clown, that's what I am.

Who wants to massively increase your caloric intake.

Look.

Come here.

There's an all-you-can-eat pasta bar.

Abbondanza!

Spicy hot pasta puttanesca.

Which means "whore's pasta"!

As in a whore, who made this pasta.

Doesn't that look delicious?

Next, an all-you-can-eat lard bar.

Squirt, piggy, squirt!

Squirt it! Squirt!

All the lard you want!

Fill your little tummy full of lard!

Hansel, where is he now?

He's okay.

It's actually kind of nice.

Mugatu's hooked him up with some snacks.

He's got like a lard bar and some cheesecake and stuff.

Oh, and pasta, too.

No!

Oh, no. You're right. He's fattening him for the slaughter.

You can drop this stupid act.

I know who you are. You're Jacob Moogberg.

And you're supposed to be in jail.

Hey! Jacob Moogberg died the day I put ebony and ivory on skinny satin neckwear!

You hear me?

Okay. I got to make my move. Later.

You listen to me, Biggie Smalls.

I went to prison!

You better scarf down that last bowl of whore pasta!

We roll in two!

You okay in there, little fella?

We should call the police boat!

They'll never get here in time.

Who says swimsuit models are useless?

Wait. What are you doing?

How long can you hold your breath?

What? Take me from behind, Derek.

And grab me like your life depends on it.

Not like this.

Like this!

For safety. And buoyancy.

Wait. What?

We are swimming back to Rome.

Oh, okay.

I just talked to your dad.

And we've got to get you out of here pronto.

I never want to see him again.

What're you talking about? Your dad's a great guy.

He loves you like you're his own.

I am his own!

He's literally the worst father ever!

Do you know it would break your mom's heart to hear you bugging out on your dad like this?

You knew my mom?

Oh, yeah. One of the most amazing women I ever met.

Really?

You didn't want to cross her in the sack.

Those hips of hers would put a love lock on you to beat the band.

Wait, what?

I remember there was one night, she had me and your dad absolutely twisted in knots.

I was driving the freight train, your dad's tearing tickets in the caboose.

Oh...

She had a mouth like Chinese fingercuffs.

You know where you, like, try to pull it out but it just keeps getting tighter...

Stop it! God.

Look... I'm not going.

Well, Mugatu's planning to crack your chest open, cut your heart out with a knife, and drink your blood!

What?

Here he comes. Everything's gonna be okay.

It's okay, it's okay.

I was exaggerating.

It's D-Day, little dumpling.

You're an amazing swimmer.

Why are you doing this?

Don't talk with your mouth full.


It's soaking wet! It's ruined!

How are we gonna reach Hansel?

We need a phone.

Wait a minute.

Like this one?

Derek.

Hansel, where are you?

I don't know. Some kind of tunnel.

I think we're underneath the IncrediBall.

It smells like the ruins of an ancient bathhouse.

It's at the Caracalla Baths.

I'll drop a pin or a needle or whatever and you can track my coordinates.

Cool.

They'll never let us in looking like this.

Interpol Fashion Division!

We need your vehicle and your clothes. Now!


Why is Anna Wintour walking away from the red carpet?

We have to get in there.

Every bathhouse I've ever worked at always had a rear entrance.

I'm sure this one's no different. Come on.

This is definitely it.

If I feel around here long enough, I should be able to find the hole...

Derek!

Hansel!

Boy, am I glad to see you guys.

Hansel, my son is going to die hating me.

Hating you? The last time I saw him, he couldn't stop talking about how much he loves you.

Really? Yes.

He said that?

Yes. I mean, I'm kind of paraphrasing, and you had to read between the lines, but, basically.

Shut up! Can we talk about this later?

Yeah, come on. Let's go!

This way.


That's Alexander Wang.

And Vera Wang.

Both Wangs.

Marc Jacobs.

Tommy Hilfiger.

They are all here for the sacrifice.

In the beginning of time, God created Adam and Eve...

...and Steve!

Mugatu!

Mugatu!

Mugatu!

Mugatu!

Mugatu!

D.J. Wait.

We don't have backup yet.

Jacobeem Mugowto has deliver us...

...the Choosen Why-yun.

And behold, God expunged Steve from the Garden, only to redeem us with eternal youth...

No.

...bathed in the blood of the fat little Chosen One!

Derek! Derek, don't.

No!

I don't care if you're fat anymore, Derek Jr.

I love you.

Look, I have made a lot of mistakes in my life, but you are by far the best one.

I was a mistake?

I think so.

To tell you the truth, we were having so much sex, I can't remember.

T ell me about it, muchacho.

Ugh!

You're beautiful. You have the fire. You just need to believe it.

The fire?

The fire in your face.

I lost it the day I killed your mom.

Oh, look. It's a sad, scared little boy talking to his fat son about their feelings.

You are responsible for all this!

You lured me to Italy so you could escape from prison.

You made Don Atari and Alexanya hire me to set this trap.

But enough is enough!

Enough is enough!

Eat my blade, Junior!

Time to die, Chubby Checker!

Magnum, buddy. Now.

I can do this.

Oh.

That did not work at all.

It just doesn't hold up, does it?

You sleuthed the whole thing out, Derek, but failed to de-sleuth the most important piece of the puzzle.

I owned the construction company that built the Center for Kids Who Can't Read Good.

I personally made sure they cut corners.

Literally!

But that means that...

That's right, JuJu Bean. That's How I Killed Your Mother!

On CBS, right after Two Broke Girls.

Dad, it wasn't you!

It wasn't...

Wait. You called me "Dad".

Oh, I guess I did.

Now you don't have the ceremonial knife!

Which means, no Fountain of Youth!

Come on, Derek! We need the blood!

Stop being so emotional, Derek.

Just give him the goddamn knife.

Derek, we need the blood!

Blood of Steve! Blood of Steve!

Blood of Steve! Blood of Steve!

Blood of Steve! Give him back the knife, Derek.

Blood of Steve! Blood of Steve!

Shut up, Valentino!

Just shut up! Everyone shut up!

There is no Fountain of Youth!

What?

I mean, Adam and Eve and Steve?

Are you serious? You actually believed that crap?

What?

It's literally the stupidest thing I've ever heard!

I get it if Alexander Wang believes it, but the rest of you, come on!

Oh, please.

Without me, you'd still be cutting patterns at Men's Wearhouse.

Oh, look, it's the White Witch from Narnia!

Oh, no, I'm sorry it's just Anna Wintour.

I'll knock your teeth out!

I'll rip your goddamn tongue out!

Check out the new spring collection from Hilfiger.

Brought to you by white privilege!

You couldn't make a down jacket to save your life!

Asshole.

I don't understand. You're saying the legend isn't true?

Why are you doing all of this, then?

Because Marc, by Marc Jacobs...

...I knew there'd only be one thing that would gather the entire idiotic fashion world into one place with no exit!

Todd! Doors!

Todd! Silks!

Huh?

For years you all left me to die in a stinking cell!

Well, now it's my turn!

I was living a peaceful life of reclusion.

Why drag me into this?

Because my big issue is...

...I hate you, Derek Zoolander!

Then why kill all those pop stars?

Why kill Justin Bieber?

Really? You're asking me why I killed Justin Bieber?

Todd! Pooch!

It's a bomb!

Not just any bomb.

A device, designed by Philippe Starck in collaboration with Al-Qaeda for their new spring explosive collection.

Todd! Floor!

When I throw this into this ancient pool of lava, it will overflow, killing everyone in fashion.

Leaving only me.

You can't kill fashion!

I'm afraid fashion already killed itself.

Mugatu! I'm coming across!

Derek!

Heat is a temporal construct of the mind.

Yes.

It doesn't exist.

Whoa!

It's so hot! It's hot!

Jesus!

Stop it, Hansel! Stop it!

Derek, toss me the knife.

You got it!

Sorry.

So stupid.

What the hell is your problem?

You guys are the absolute worst.

Put the bomb down, Mugatu!

Oh, you're the bubble-butted Playboy model trying to take me down.

Swimsuit model!

Sports Illustrated cover, three years in a row!

Ah!

Katinka...

...Ingaborgovinanananana!

Game on, my sexy sister.

Look! They're sexy fighting!

Awesome.

Tommy likee.

Hey, idiots! Maybe this will get your attention!

I've got a bomb in my hand and it's armed!

Derek, now! Magnum! Do it!

Fly, baby, fly!

Bust it out!

Yes! I knew it.

Hansel, I need your help.

Here, let me try!

It's not working! Derek, it's not working!

I can't hold it, Hansel! I don't have it!

You've got your son! I've got nothing.

Not anymore, Hansel.

Who's your daddy now?

I don't know who my daddy is!

That's the whole point!

Hansel. What?

I am your father.

Holy shit. Sting?

Let's do this now.

Synchronicity.

Nice try, but that looks about as powerful as your fat son's...

I'm not fat!

He's plus size.

And I've got the fire.

El Niño! It's real.

It's so beautiful.

Bellissima.

The prophecy was true.

He is the Chosen One.

Hansel. He's still so hot right now.

No way! It's a glitter bomb!

Looks like you still have it.

I guess I do.

Well, we do. Mmm.

Ah!

Your face!

How bad is it?

Welcome to my world, bro.

Hansel! Hansel!

Orgy! Hansel!

What are they doing here?

I knew how much they meant to you, so I called them on the way over.

You did that for me?

You're the best friend anyone could ever ask for, Derek Zoolander.

You look so beautiful. Oh.

We missed you so much.

And I've missed you, too.

And I'm ready to be a father. To all our children.

Minus one.

What?

I lost my baby.

No.

I guess kicking the door down wasn't such a good idea.

We're going to be a family, that's all that matters.

Wait. Are you sure?

You're right. We shouldn't.

Hey. It's okay, Dad. I don't think Mom would mind.

Matilda.

Go to her, Derek.

You're cool with it?

I'm totally cool with it.

I'm dead.

Literally nothing bothers me anymore.

Oh, and guess what?

Mugatu live-streamed all of this to every fashion blog on the planet.

Everybody loves you guys again.

Did you hear that?

We did it. We're back.

And famous. And totally self-realized.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

If you're thinking...

Lava pool party!

No!

They're back!

After six weeks in the burn ward, their disgusting facial scars healed by a miraculous hot lava treatment Derek Zoolander and Hansel owning the runway once again after exposing fashion's top designers in yet another human sacrifice scandal.

This time with the aid of Interpol agent Valentina Valencia, now Zoolander's wife.

The two recently broke ground for the Valentina Valencia Center For Swimsuit Models Who Want To Be Taken Seriously And Maybe Transition Into Law Enforcement Too.

Hansel, definitely back and fully self-realized.

Now a model parent. And father of ten.

As crowds at Paris Fashion Week go cray-cray for Derek Zoolander, Jr., the world's hottest plus size model-slash-

National Book Award winner- slash-one-half of celebrity couple Zoolala.

Yes, these three are totally on fleek...

Redefining what it means to be really, really, ridiculously good-looking.

Pumped up with the sex appeal

'Bout to cop another feel Then I foot the bill I got bang bang with the looks that kill Sashay, Shante, then hit the blue steel Trying to take a ride in the cool mobile You wanna keep me on the line 'Cause my culo real Rockstar shit with the Goose on the chill My pockets so fat, got a sumo deal I'm a star, so the camera flicker Look at her go, blame it on the liquor Doing it big, my selfie two figures Could give it up, but I ain't a quitter Ooh, I be flyer than you World domination, I'm so Mugatu Yes, I be smashin ', plenty of fashion Doing my anthem, Now give 'em the Magnum Relax, don't do it When you wanna go to it Relax, don't do it

Relax, don't do it When we got the club moving Relax, don't do it When you wanna come

Pack it up, old lames You just irrelevant to us Old as the presidents Your style is like the republican twos That's a definite Give grief to all your relatives And next of kin and Gave 'em D-attention, no decificit When I say ancient relics, Hansel and Derek, I'm handsome, you jealous I can tell it from your facial expressions Or I take it, you smell it I'm sorry, Don Atari, but Donatella suggested Valentino for the party Shoot it in the right direction Make it your intention Live those dreams Scheme those schemes You gotta hit me Hit me with those laser beams Relax, don't do it When you wanna go to it Relax, don't do it When you wanna come Relax, don't do it When we got the club moving Relax, don't do it When you wanna come When you wanna come

Relax