Zoom (2015) Script


Woo!

Okay.

My glasses are foggy.

Did I fuck your glasses off?

You know, the problem with having sex at lunch is there's no time to eat.

So now I have to have my lunch on my coffee break and coffee at dinner.

You have fucked my entire day.

Wanna do it again?

No.

Because then I would have to have coffee as tomorrow's breakfast, but you know me.

I don't complain.

No, I have to work.

Dedicated professional that you are.

What's this?

That's just a doodle.

Wow, looks good.

Oh! It's you.

You know, you really don't need those, right?

You're not that kind of girl.

What does that mean?

Nothing.

It was meant as a compliment.

I happen to love your small...

Small-ish breasts.

They're nonthreatening. They're like my friends.

You know what I'm saying. This girl...

Would go out with some slick, Hollywood player dude.

This girl would never have sex with me.

And now you're not going to either, are you?

Shit.

I'm gonna stop talking now and leave.

Yeah, that would be good.

Mhm.

Okay.

Excuse me.

Hello?

I'm sorry, I couldn't find the reception.

Uh, there is no reception.

Can I help you?

I just wanted to know how they were made.

The dolls.

Uh, I'm sorry.

We don't give tours of the factory.

Oh.

Excuse me.

I was thinking of placing a custom order.

Something very specific.

I can pay.

Please, I live across the border and it's been a very long drive.

Okay.

Okay.

They're all custom made.

We have a variety of body types.

Something for all tastes.

You just supply the height and measurements, eye color, hair, skin tone with fair, tanned, Asian, African.

You can get them to replicate celebrities.

Scarlett Johansson and Beyonce are very popular right now.

Here's one of our latest models.

Uh, the talkies as we call them.

Emma rocks my rocket.

You idiot.

May I touch it?

I'm not interested in a celebrity doll.

I want you to make someone real.

My wife, she had the most perfect body.

Slender, 5'8" with very large breasts.

36dd.

They haunt me.

It was those breasts that I couldn't forget.

Those massive breasts.

I lost her two years ago.

Oh, I'm sorry.

To her personal trainer, Italian, fifteen years younger than me.

Can you make these even larger than what she originally had?

Yeah, sure.

Perfect.

And you can make her look exactly like my wife?

We can make it...

Her look identical.

But better.


Um...

Uh, what's her name?

Michelle.

Michelle.

Michelle, you're not on your mark.

Okay, just a little to the left.

Uh, no.

No, no, no, no, no.

Don't smile, okay?

No expression.

I don't wanna photograph Michelle.

I wanna see who you really are.

Don't, don't struggle with it.

You know, just let Michelle fly away because I still see her in there.

Yes!

There, there!

She's gone!

You are all women.

And you are no women.

You are everything and you are nothing.

More nothing.

More nothing!


You're not that kind of girl.

He's right you know.

Maybe I'm not this type of girl, but you're definitely not this type of guy.


So who is he?

I mean, your sketches are amazing, but what are you trying to do with this guy?

This guy is my dream man.

He's perfect, he's hot and stylish, suave.

He's my size.

Okay, I get it.

This is about me, right?

This is because I called your tits my friends.

This has nothing to do with you.

Oh yeah?

Mhm.

Well, your perfect guy is totally boring.

He has no personality.

He's like this tiny, little, generic suave guy.

No, no.

He's an artist.

He's smart and he has an accent.

What, French? No.

Spanish. Oh.

I'm sorry, I couldn't hear it I guess because it's a drawing.

You are being hilariously defensive about this.

Hey, you can fantasize all you want, that's fine.

But I'd just like to bring up one point.

That guy would never be with you.

Have you thought of that?

That guy would be with someone who looks like that.

Okay, that's fine.

You have your fun.

I am gonna deliver one of these perfect people to a fat pervert in Hamilton.


Careful. It's easy to get hypnotized.

I was lost there for a second.

They all look identical, but really they're not.

They're like ghosts.

Individual spirits floating through the void.

I find it soothing.

Yeah.

I come here every day.

So do I.

Do you think they know they live in a prison?

We'll never know.

They don't speak.

They live in silence.

Let us sculpt in hopeless silence.

All our dreams of speaking.

Fernando Pessoa.

Yes.

That's beautiful.

Are you a writer?

I think so.

I feel like the universe is trying to tell me something.

Well I think we drained this aquarium of every possible metaphor.

We should meet at the planetarium next time.

Yes.

It was a real pleasure, Michelle.

Me too.

Don't forget, you have my card.

Send me what you can.

I will.

Thank you, Norman.

Who the fuck was that?

A book publisher.

And he wants to read my material.

Yeah, I'm sure he does.


Perfect!

Cut!

That was incredible.

That was incredible.

Alright, people.

Thank you, that's a wrap.

Don't forget the wrap party tonight.

Thank you, man.

Thank you. Alright.

Eddie!

You're a genius!

That brain of yours, that beautiful brain.

My brain is a turd compared to yours.

A turd on my big bald head.

Now, I'm gonna introduce you to that woman yonder, but be careful.

She's the new head of the studio.

She's a tough cookie.

Marissa.

The boy wonder.

I hope you didn't come here to fire me.

Oh no, are you kidding me?

I love your films.

Switchblade and.

J-force. J-force.

Yes. They're big, you know?

They're bold.

The explosions and car crashes.

He puts so much testosterone on this screen you can taste it.

Almost.

I mean, I don't know what testosterone tastes like.

Yeah, actually this film, I wanna do something that's a little bit more deep.

You know, cause I'm excited to show the world that I'm not two-dimensional, you know?

And listen, if you're excited, we are really excited.

And I heard that your editor has been working around the clock so I would really love to see an assembly Monday.

It's just a general assembly he has, you know, I have to go to the editing room, work around it, you know?

Right, got it. Okay, Tuesday.

Can you, um, book us a screening room?

No. Right away.

Thank you. No, no.

Tuesday, I'm not gonna be ready to show you anything on Tuesday, really.

I mean, I wanna show you my vision.

Uh-huh.

This film wants to be transcendental.

Good, good.

Um, I'm still gonna need to see an assembly by Tuesday.

Why not we do Tuesday, but at the same time you agree to come with me tonight to the wrap party.

I don't really party with below the line people and I kinda get roped into this fundraiser for kids with cleft palates. Oh.

So I gotta head back.

Watch out, watch out! Oh!

Are you okay?

I think so.

Your glasses.

Okay.

You okay?

Yeah. Yeah?

Yeah, I think I can find time for a quick drink.

Yeah.

Bye.

Nice seeing you again.

Emma?

So these are sorta what you're looking for?

We can totally do this.

After surgery, you will look exactly like this.

You looking at Serrano?

Had that done years ago.

Won my first rhino with that.

Rhino?

2005 Rhinoplasty awards.

I had it sculpted nice and big just to remind myself of my humble beginnings.

Anyway, back to you.

Come on.

Let's have a look at these little guys over here.

So, if you wanna look like one of your drawings, I would go with this one.

Right here.

How much?

Wow.

That's a lot of money. Mhm.

I've been saving up to buy a condo.

Well just remember, you can't show off your condo at the beach.

Hey, guys. Carl Stromway here.

I just wanna introduce a special tool that'll help all of you who wanna show off that sexy body at the beach this summer.

It's the premium Carl Stromway dumbbell.

Here we go. We're gonna start with a shrug.

And then we're gonna do the zombie.

And then you're gonna do a curl.

There we go...

Hey, baby.

Hey.

I got us something for dinner.

Oh, awesome.

Who was that?

Um, remember that book publisher from the aquarium?

He read a couple of chapters from my book.

He really likes them.

And he wants to read the whole thing.

But there is no book.

I know, but I can write it.

Can you even spell one word in English?

Oh, come on, Michelle.

Come on.

Michelle, come on.

Look at me, look at me.

This guy, he's a dangling a carrot in front of that cute little Brazilian nose of yours.

I mean, come on, look at you!

You're not a writer.

You're a model.

You're an asshole.

I'm an asshole? Yeah!

Look at everything I do for you.

You got photoshoots all next week.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Michelle, you are so naive!

This guy just wants a piece of your ass like everybody else.


Hi.

Don't worry. No problem.

You know where I landed? Hm.

In the racetrack. Hm!

Yeah, on top of a horse.

And you know, the worst part of it?

I won.

You won the race?

Yeah, and it ended with the horse and I won.

What's up?

Right there.

What's his name?

No, I've never heard of him.

No, I don't need a reference, but I...

You know, I'm not paying $300 for a dog groomer.

I think that's a little steep.

Alright.

Bye.

Oh god.

Oh god.

Oh god.

I can't breathe. I can't breathe.

That's why I need another week.

So I can work on the film, you know?

Go to the editing room, you know?

So I can show you my vision.

Yeah. Yeah?


You are nothing.

Hello?

Michelle?

I've been calling you for hours.

Where are you?

Um, writing.

Are you drunk?

Alright, I'm coming to get you right now.

Where are you?

Why?

You don't think I can write?

I'm coming to get you right now.

Where are you, Michelle?

At um...

Where the fuck is that?

Michelle?

Michelle!


Sexiest sister in town.

Ladies and gentlemen.

Let me introduce you to the brand new, the unstoppable...

Emma.

Juicy.

E, double m, a, double d.

E, double m, a, double d.

Oh, Sophia.


Oh yeah.

Eddie, my boy, you know that I love you. And why not?

You're a genius, you shit gold, and Oscars are made of gold.

But this film is different.

It's humane, you know?

It's deep, it's ambiguous.

Mm.

It's about...

You know, it's a poem.

I shot it like a fucking poem.

It's art, of course.

It's on another plane. Yeah.

It's slow.

The way art is.

Uh... nothing much happens.

Again, that's an art thing.

And don't get me wrong, I love it.

It touches my soul and I didn't think I had one.

I'm just worried, not worried, but concerned and this is coming from me who's an insect compared to you.

I'm worried that Marissa might not really like it.

What? Excuse me.

Are you Edward Deacon, the director?

Yeah, I'm the author, yeah.

Would you care to walk us to the bathroom?

You know.

Yes, yes.

Man, don't worry about Marissa.

I know how to handle her.

I mean, that's what I do.

Oh no!

Okay, I've never done this before.

Wow.

Can I? Yeah!

Okay. Okay.

Uh! Uh!

We're there.

Sensitive to the temperature in here.

Okay!

Well...

Thank you so much for that.

The new breasts are um...

They're really something.

It's uh...

It's a bit weird.

It's me that feels a little like...

Like I'm making love to one of the dolls.

Um...

Which you know, people do that.

Lots of people do that.

It's good business is booming.

So...

You know, go team.

Let's get back to it. Okay.

Hey! What are you looking at? What?

I don't know what you're talking about?

Check this beauty out.

Baby, baby, baby.

I'm in love with the twins.


Hm.

Mhm.

Mm. Uh...

Hm.

They're too big.

What do you mean they're too big?

Uh... they're too big for my body.

They're exactly the size you requested and they look great.

Do you remember this?

Yeah, but...

You chose these and they look really great, really.

I don't think they do.

You know what you need?

Some perspective.

Candy, would you come in here please?

It's very hard to accurately assess your own body.

You need just an objective opinion.

Yes?

What do you think of her breasts?

I think they're great.

See?

They are great.

I don't want them anymore.

I think I made a terrible mistake.

Really what you need is just to live with these breasts for a little while.

It's like getting a new sofa.

For a couple of weeks, it's all about the sofa.

It's all you can see. You think it looks ridiculous.

And then one day, someone comes up and says, I love that sofa.

So fucking hot.

Next thing you know, you're showing everyone your sofa.

You're getting laid constantly.

I don't want these on my body.

Let me raise the nipples. What?

Nipple placement. It's everything.

Right now they're not where you expect them.

It's disorientating. Went through the same thing with my own...

These fucking breasts are too big!

We can take them down a cup.

I want my old ones back.

No, you don't want that.

Yes, I do.

They were tiny.

Oh!

You're an asshole.

I want these implants removed.

Okay.

But I have to warn you.

The procedure involves the same amount of time and work so it actually costs the same to remove that it does to implant.

I don't have money left.

Oh, I'm sorry.

There's nothing I can do about that.


Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Why do you have to be so big?

You think you're so perfect.

Well take this.

Oh my god.

Oh my god, oh my god.

I'm sorry. No, no, no!

Oh! Oh!

I love you, it's me.

Ah, ah, ah!


I mean, there's no explanation, right?

There's no explanation, I mean.

It just went miniature just like that.

Without even warning.

I should just kill myself really.

Should I? I'm sorry.

I can't perform miracles.


And the winning numbers are...

05...

09...

10...

19...

25...

43...

47.

I won!

I won!


So tell me, Emma.

What seems to be the problem?

Well...

The thing is, doctor.


You gotta be kidding me?

Hey, what's up?

Have a good one.


This shit is worth a lot of money.

We could split it and I could do my...

It's missing!

It's not here!

This is my last one.

Doing my show now.

Okay, I'm at the mailbox right now.

It's not there.

You know how bad this looks?

Yeah, I got a piece, but I really don't wanna have to kill nobody today.

Fuck! Nevermind, I just found it.

Okay, I'm gonna call you back.

So that's what... three.

Three?

That's it, that's all you have?

I don't know that many people who do coke.

They don't need to be coke heads.

They just need to be open minded people who like to party.

Most of my friends are depressed loners.

I'm sorry.

Sorry. Fuck me.

We need to find a real drug dealer and sell this stuff to him.

And how are we gonna find a real dealer?

How the hell would I know?


How the hell would I know?

I know a guy.

When'd you get that?

Oh, that?

I've had it for years.

I never noticed it. Huh.

Where'd you get it done?

Uh, I got it done the first time I went to prison.

What?

When did you...

You never...

I have more.

What?

When did you? What?

Prison?

Don't you worry about a thing, okay?

The point is I know the business and the business knows me.

The business knows you?

Yeah, I got a guy in buffalo.

Buffalo?

He mainly deals Meth and PCP, but he owes me.

And what did you do?

Don't ask.

Hey.

Didn't the mustache freak drive in from...

Buffalo.

Yeah. Perfect.

A gift from god.

But isn't it dangerous to cross the border with that stuff?

Listen, if you really wanna deal with these two problems...

Where there's a will, there's a way.


Hello?

Hi.

Yeah, it's me, Eddie.

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry about last time.

I was tired, you know, it was a long day.

Ah!

No, I'm just kidding.

Come on.

Welcome.

Can we turn off the light?

Do you grow after?

Mhm.

To this left?

The other. No.

No, no. Mm.

May I help you?

Um...

Can I help you? Yes, please.

Maybe.

I mean...

Only if you want...

No.

To the right.

Let's just begin again, okay?

Hold on one second, hold on.

I've got a plan.

Just a little, just a...

No, no.

Okay, okay, now we're...

Is it happening?

You know what? Um...

You know, we can always sleep, you know?

Yeah, yeah, I think so.

Yeah. Yeah?

Goodnight. Yeah, you guys are tired?

I'm really tired.

Ah, me too. Really tired.

I'm sorry.

Okay. I'm...

I'm really sorry.

Hey, we can always be friends.

You know? Yeah.

Sometimes friendship is more valuable than you know.

Shh!


Let us sculpt in hopeless silence.

All our dreams of speaking.


Bear in mind, it's still a very rough cut.

Is there another reel?

Another reel?

Yeah because that's not an ending, right?

It stopped.

Oh, that's the ending.

Jumping off a cliff is not an ending.

It is the ending.

That's the ending.

She jumps out of the cliff.

You know, escaping from this oppression of appearances.

I mean...

Or maybe not!

You know, the audience is left a little bit suspended.

Yeah, it's the kind of ending, it's...

What's the word for it?

Shit.

It's a shit ending. It's bullshit.

To be specific.

And what's with the couple having sex on the beach?

The couple is her parents.

She's watching her parents in her mind conceiving her.

Her parents are having sex in her mind?

No, come on. Open yourself to the film, okay?

I mean, just give yourself a little bit.

You know, give it a chance, I mean.

The intention was never to a Hollywood blockbuster at all.

Yeah, I think I noticed that.

I mean... if this is the first release, for me, as head of the studio, this is gonna be my last.

Well now. You know, it's not all bad.

There's lots of... It's exotic, right?

There's lesbians.

That's always hot and uh...

Oh god.

It's just limp.

It's a little flaccid.

Just a big disappointment from you!

I wanna see the balls of Eddie Deacon!

Of course you do. Show her your balls.

I'm gonna need to be persuaded.

Yes, alright!

Persuade her. Persuade her!

Do you want me to leave the room?

No.

What do you mean, no?

No, no.

I can't right now.

No.

Why not?

I got my reasons, okay?

And if I say no, I just want you to respect that.

Okay.

I'll shelve it.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

What he's saying is...

He's being a coy.

He's got lots of ideas, big ballsy ideas, and he wanted to surprise you with them.

Right, Eddie? Come on, give her a hint.

Tell her about that ending we were talking about it, you know?

The reshoot in Brazil with the explosion, the guy running.

It's really so big, I can't remember.

It's confused in my head, but you remember.

You tell her. You're so good with words.

It gave me the shivers, it was so ballsy.

Eddie, is this true?

I mean, we can always shoot something, yeah.

Okay!

Good. That's excellent.

Horowitz, make it happen. Please, okay?

And you, you big tease.

I always knew you had something up your sleeve.

Alright, guys!

I can't wait to see what you guys do.

Lots of kick ass shit!

Hot shit, lesbian shit.

Mhm. No lesbians.

Niche demo.

The lesbians are gone.

They're gone.

What the fuck was that?

Come on!

No.

That's the one.

It's gonna be delivered tomorrow to that guy in buffalo.

Alright.

Perfect.

Say hello to our mule.

Lay her gently.

Okay.

Alright.

What do you wanna do?

What do you mean?

You know, which orifice do you wanna stuff?

You got your choice of three.

What? I don't care.

I'll do this one.

Okay, and I'll do this one.

Why do I wanna just dive right in?

Maybe I should buy her dinner first.

Maybe we should focus.


Tight squeeze.

Got room for one more?

Not down here.

Maybe in the mouth if I tilt the head back?

Well...

Let's see. There we go.

Baby, you're so big.

That's it.

She's stuffed.

Are you at all turned on right now?

What?

No.

No, I don't know. Um...

Maybe it's because we're doing something bad.

Right.

Just give me a hand, okay?

Wait, watch your step.

Oh! Okay.

Got it? Yup.

Alright, I'll put her on the truck tomorrow.

Just another regular delivery.

You see?

I told you I had it under control.

What's the matter with you?

We'll just go down there, set up the camera, shoot some explosions, you know?

Like the end of j-force.

This film has nothing to do with j-force.

I got it, it's art, but excuse me for stating the obvious.

If you're gonna jam art up the studio's ass, you gotta lube it up a little.

Why do I have to tell you this?

Why are you not handling this situation in your usual fashion?

Because I can't, okay?

I can't. Why not?

It's my penis.

Go on. My penis is very small.

It went smell.

It was huge before and now it's small.

It disappeared almost.

Right.

That's a problem.

Oh, come on. It happens to everyone eventually.

I mean, not me, I'm hung like a horse, but look we're going to Brazil.

They have hundreds of ways of dealing with these kind of problems.

I don't even wanna think about it.

In the meantime, I'll cover for you.

I'll shoot some inserts until you feel yourself again, okay?

I have some ideas for scenes.

Dale?

You know, you're right. This place is beautiful.

What are you doing here?

I came to see you.

How did you find me?

It wasn't hard, baby.

Hey, you think I can get a Capoeira?

Sure.

Michelle, I'm here to bring you back home.

I miss you.

I want you back.

I need to write my novel.

Yeah, I know.

And I still think it's crazy, this whole book thing, but I already promised you you could write it at home.

I'll give you all the space you need.

I don't know.

Hold on.

Yeah, what is it?

Yeah, I got it.

Bad news.

I just got word you're in grave danger.

Favela drug dealers are on their way here to grab you.

They're coming across the beach as we speak.

We gotta get out of here right now.

This makes no sense.

There are no Favelas here.

These guys are dangerous.

They're like tropical terrorists.

We gotta move.

Now I'm not gonna let anything bad happen to you.

Give me your hand.

And cut!

Yes, that looked fantastic.

I don't know what I'm doing here.

This is what you're doing.

You're shooting bullshit.

You shoot the bullshit.

We send the bullshit to the studio.

They eat the bullshit and everybody's happy.

Yeah, but this is not my film anymore, you know?

I feel like it's slipping away from me.

You're still worried about your dick, aren't you?

Of course I am!

Friend, why don't you take some time off?

Go to the beach, stare at the girls.

Try to get some semblance of an erection and leave the bullshit to me.

You don't wanna be here anyway for this product placement shit.

Fiat.

She's got a brand new car, lucky her!

No, you're kidding me. Come on.

They're covering the entire reshoot.

No.

Like I said, I'd be happy to shoot it.

Morning!

Has somebody been moving stuff around?

I don't know, why?

Where is that box that was supposed to be delivered to buffalo today?

Oh, the guy who ordered it came by this morning to pick it up.

What do you mean? When? Who was it?

The weird guy with the mustache.

What does it matter?

Saved us from shipping it down there.

And he paid for the order.

We're fucked.

We're totally fucked.

Well, the only solution is to get our girl back.

Right?

I mean, then we'll be fine.

Right?

Right. Right.

Give me your hand.

Okay. Let me just get my passport.

Okay, but hurry.

Time is of the essence!

Okay, okay, okay.

Pause!

Maybe if we change her hair.

Something.


Dale!

What the fuck are you doing?

Michelle, I told you. We need to leave.

No! No way!

Michelle, there's something wrong with you.

You need to come home with me so I can get you some help.

There's nothing wrong with me.

I mean...

You need to come home with me. No!

You need to come back with me! No!

You do! No! No!

This is for your own good.

Dale.

You need to let me go.

I love you so much, baby.

It's for your own good, honey.

I'm sorry, baby.

And cut!

Beautiful, beautiful!

Hey.

Hey, what's up?

Eddie, my boy.

Just in time.

What are you doing?

Oh!

Helicopters?

Yes, helicopters.

Everyone loves helicopters.

It makes them happy.

The studio loves helicopters.

Is this the new ending?

Yes. It's the new bang-up ending.

You're shooting a new ending behind my back.

And you don't even know what the fuck you're doing.

I know, I'm stupid.

I just thought with my little pea brain, I thought why don't we shoot an ending where something actually happens.

You know, I know that's a cliché, but you know, maybe a plot?

Maybe Dale can come save Michelle and people have something to cheer for.

No, no, no! Dale is the abductor.

He's abducting her. Abducting, saving.

Why are you being so negative?

Because this is my movie.

Our movie and the studio's paying for it.

No, the studio needs my credit on it.

Oh, that's my chair. Oh, shut up!

Do you want me to call Marissa and you can talk to her about it?

Fine, yes, yes, fine! I will if I have to!

Oh, look at that!

What's the matter with you?

You used to love helicopters.

I'm saving your ass!

You've already lost your dick, you better save your ass!

Not literally.

We're just... That's the way we talk.

Okay, let's oil 'em up and uh, move onto the next scene.

Marissa.

Yeah, we have a problem here.

Alright, let's do this.

That trellis is a fucking joke.

No. Fuck.

Get down. I can do it.

You can do this? Let me try.

You can do this on your own?

I got this, I got this.

I can do it.

Alright, I'll stand guard.

Okay, you promise?

Yeah, are you fucking nuts?

I'm not going anywhere.

Come on. Okay.

Yup. Come on.


Yes, darling.

I took down that wallpaper.

Need light.

Well you weren't here, were you?


I have a surprise for you, my darling.

It is your favorite.

Yes, of course I've chilled the champagne.

No, I did not let it breathe.

It's not like wine.

Did you order a Capoeira?

Sit down, Edward, we need to talk.

Marissa.

Can I say something?

You look beautiful.

I mean, every time I look into your eyes you're like in slow motion.

It's called jetlag.

Sit your ass down.

Horowitz said that there's some problems with your collaboration.

I don't wanna talk about Horowitz and his stupid ideas.

Those were my stupid ideas, okay?

Your film is not working.

He has a more commercial sensibility.

Let's... Let's just, you know...

Breathe in, absorb the surroundings.

This is beautiful, isn't it? Hm.

Let's remember that you're a woman and I'm a man.

Oh please, we already did that part.

Yeah, but I'm not talking about sex only, you know?

There's more to me than that.

You see, people assume things all the time.

They look at you and they think oh my god, she's gold.

Very tough, very strong bitch who like fucked her way up to the top.

But the problem is that you're really beautiful.

They can't see past that.

Yeah, you're right.

The beauty makes it harder.

Well the same thing happens to me.

People look at me and they think oh my god, he's Mr. action director.

You know, j-force this, j-force that, j-force fuck me that.

Well they think you're a cock.

Yes, but that's a small side of me.

There's this other side which I'm beginning to accept and that's my vulnerable side.

My feminine side.

This is the reason why I wanted to do this movie.

I want people to see me the way I really am.

Wow.

I'm really glad we had this conversation, Edward.

I had no idea that you felt that way. And you know what?

I really think that deep down, you and I have a lot in common.

So you wanna fuck or what?

No.

Yes. Yes, we will.

On set. Why?

Because it's an adventure.

So we will do it in the trailer.

You know, we will do it like old Hollywood style.

Oh. Okay?

You look beautiful.


Hi.

Welcome.

First time here?

Yeah. Yeah?

May I get you some water?

Coffee? No, I'm fine.

Glass of champagne?

I'm fine.

I, um, called to ask for the...

Uh, you know, about the... Prosthetic.

Yeah, follow me.

We have a wide variety of prosthetics for all shapes and sizes.

We use plexi-filled plastic with micro vibrators built in.

It feels a lot like wearing a thick condom.

They receiver will never know the difference.

We'll make a custom mold beforehand and then you pick the size and shape you want.

Do you have like um...

Like the high-end version of molds.

We do have one item that is particularly special and will fulfill all your needs.

Hold on a second.

It's the most amazing model you'll ever see.

This is the supremus.

Wow.

What you're looking at is state of the art.

If NASA were to build a penis, this would be it.

The texture ripples just like it's your own skin.

It's like it's alive.

How much does it cost?

The price is on that tag.

Whoa. Ho-ho-ho.

No, that's like an expensive car. I know.

With a car, you can only drive.

This will make you fly.


I love the way you touch me.

May I kiss you, my darling?

It's been so long since I've touched those lips.


Let's dance.

Bath time.

No!

What are you doing here? Give her to me!

No, stop it! Give it!

No! Ah!

Give it back!

That was amazing.

That's it?

Yes, let's go!

No!


Welcome.


With no ham.

Woo! Woo!


Ooh!


Ha!

In the manual it says you provide a complimentary

24-hour emergency repair service.

Page one!

Yeah, it does say that!

Smoke, white. White smoke.

It says waterproof.

How am I supposed to know that it was only fresh water?

Yes, I was happy.

Yes, I was going to the water because I was happy.

No, I don't wanna join a group. No.

Not even email, no.

I could have died.

It started to hurt really bad.

It started to smell really foul.

Imagine dying by electric shock penis.

What? It's not my problem it comes from China.

Just send a new one. You can't?

I don't care about hygiene at this point.

Security concerns?

Can you pass me to a manager or something?

Oh, man! Oh...

Thanks for nothing.

Hey.

Baby.

How you feeling, baby? You okay?

Hey.

Have some water.

We have a long journey ahead of us.

Where are we going?

Home.

Where I can take care of you.

Where you can have a normal life again.

It's for the best.

Where's my book?

It's right here.

You wanna work on it for a while?

We have a long flight.

Just take it easy.

Everything's gonna be okay.

They're in their helicopter.

The thing on top is spinning around and Dale convinces her to stop writing the book.

It's torturing you he says. It's driving you mad.

He throws it out and he takes that moment to propose to her.

She says, "Si, senor" or however they say it in Brazilian.

We'll do the research. That's terrible.

And they kiss in slow motion.

No!

Credits. No, no, no, no!

No, that sounds...

I mean, I already did the compromise with the hair and with the helicopter. That's not a compromise.

That was good hair.

Horowitz, I'm trying my best, okay?

Well your best is not good enough.

We already established that, okay? Now...

Let me tell you.

Sorry I'm late.

Good morning, Horowitz.

Hello, Eddie.

I read the new script and I know that you had some alternate endings that you wanted to discuss so we'll be in the trailer.

No, can we do this at lunch time?

Horowitz! Lunch!

Lunch, everyone.

Alright, people.

Let's get some...

What's that for?

Okay, here's how it's gonna go down.

We're gonna go inside. We're gonna wait for a boy.

We're gonna destroy the paperwork.

He's gonna come for us with a gun.

Probably something used for protection.

Probably an antique elephant rifle.

We're gonna kill him first.

We're gonna go back to his house, get the coke, and then we're gonna throw the body off the Burlington skyway.

How do you know all this stuff?

I've been in this exact same situation before.

Okay?

I'm doing it right this time. I'm not going back to prison.

This is stupid.

Everything is so stupid right now.

Yeah, well you're so stupid right now.

Come on, let's go.

Where'd you put the purchase order? I can't find it.

It's right there. It's under I.

No, that's not it.

Where the fuck do you put it?

I don't know!

Fuck, Emma! This is not a fucking game. Okay?

If we don't find it, we will go to jail.

And trust me, with those tits, you will be eaten alive.

So look for the fucking paperwork.

God damnit!

Come on, come on. Up we go.

I need my ad to know that I'm here.

Guys, if anything happens in here!

No, this is not what I was looking for.

I mean, it's not Hollywood style.

It's perfect. What do you mean?

You know, it doesn't have a fire escape.

I mean, we need... Oh, come on.

I don't have a whole lot of time, right?

Wait, wait!

Hang on, hang on! No, no, no.

Let's have a drink. You know, let's talk a little.

What do you mean, talk? Let's have a drink.

I'll get some ice! Yeah!

I am not thirsty. I am hungry. Come on.

Wait, no, no! Marissa, no, no, just...

God!

No, no!

No!

Fuck!

This is such a ridiculous situation.

Why is everything such a weird, convoluted mess?

Oh, I don't know.

Why don't you tell me?

I was perfectly happy with the way things were.

Then you had to go and get those insane fucking mega tits and everything went to shit!

Don't you see when you do something that is just wrong there are consequences?

It's called Karma.

The universe doesn't like it when you fuck with it.

It fucks you back.

I wish we could just erase all this stupid shit that you've done, but we can't. That's not the world works.

So look for the fucking paperwork.

Emma realizes that Karma has come back to haunt her.

Shrinking Edward's penis may have caused her life to turn into the nightmare it has become.

What the fuck are you doing?

Fixing things.

Oh!

There's my boy.

Keep rolling, keep rolling.

Tell them to move in on the book.

Adrian, get in here. I wanna see the word.

Tighter!

Tell them I wanna read the words.

Horowitz! Horowitz!

Give me my chair. Do you mind?

I'm shooting a scene. Give me my chair. Give me my...

It's my movie. It's my chair!

It's my movie!

Okay, I'm gonna take control of it.

Come on, just!

So...

It's the book. Wait, wait.

You read the story boards. What the fuck?

Emma returning Edward's penis allows him to regain control of his film.

It's just words. What are you doing?

Alright.

I've had enough of this.

I want my name on the chair.

Who's in ch...

Okay. Alright, alright, alright! Come on!

Mustache guy's gonna be here any minute.

Let's fucking go. I know. Okay, okay.

How can he know?

What do you mean, how can I know?

And what is this all about?

Do you think it's funny?

Do you think it's funny?

Shut up!

Stop!

Stop that.

You can't do this. I created you.

You're just a part of my imagination.

Your imagination? You're...

You're part of Michelle's imagination.

You only exist in her book.


Emma returning Edward's penis allows him to regain control of his film.

Oh shit, oh shit!

Shit, that's him!

Where the fuck is my shit?

Who the fuck are you?

You know damn well I'm Carl Stromway.

Who?

She knows who I am. Don't you?

Yeah, good to see you too, neighbor.

Look I don't want no trouble.

I just came for my shit.

Yeah, we don't have you're shit.

I know you have it. I broke into her apartment and I found my dumbbell.

You broke into her fucking place?

122? Man, I'm at 120!

Don't even go there! I ain't the bad guy.

She stole from me. Now where the fuck is it?

It's my wife's head and I want it back.

Hey, dude. We can sort this out.

Okay, we just need a minute or two to empty the head.

What in the hell? What kind of sick shit is this?

Who are you?

Why's everybody keep asking like y'all ain't got Internet?

I'm Carl motherfucking Stromway.

I got like 20,000 hits.

Celebrity personal trainer.

Forget it. The coke you done stuffed into that rubber lady's face there is mine.

Excuse me.

Did you say personal trainer?

I'm the personal trainer.

Oh, that's the wrong thing you wanna be right now.

Motherfucker!

Baby, you're the best.

Darling.

Emma's mind feels like it's about to explode.

She starts hearing a voice.

The voice of her creator.

The one writing her story.

She finally understands everything.

Even with all the chaos surrounding her.

Who the fuck are you?

It's Michelle, right?

Emma, get the fuck out of there!

You're in Edward Deacon's movie!

You think you're so mighty, but you're just his creation.

You're just his creation, Emma says to Michelle.

Dale!

I'm in my book. I mean...

Whoa, what are you talking about?

My book. I'm in it.

Okay, that's enough.

This book is making you crazy.

Edward?

Edward?

Deacon?

Can you hear me?

Yes.

Do you mind? Michelle?

What's going on?

I don't know!

I don't know.

You tell me what's going on.

Thank god you're here.

I want him off the set.

He's completely lost it.

Eddie is the director again.

What?

No! Look at him.

He's completely unreliable.

He's talking to the monitor.

No, no, no, no, no, no!

He's throwing away the book, no!

Yes, he throws the book. That's the plot.

No! He can't throw away the book!

Michelle, grab the book.

Because if you lose it, we disappear.

Michelle, no!


Don't you get it!

Don't you see what's happening!

Just give me my coke!

Give me back my Jenny!

This is crazy!

Oh my god!

What the fuck is going on?

What's happening?

Guys, you see this!

Hey, hey! What's happening? What...

No!

Okay.

Alright.

It's on me now. Michelle!

Keep going. Just grab the book.

Completely disgusting.

Grab the book!


What the fuck?

You're kidding me, right? That's the fucking ending.

That's the ending.

You call that a fucking ending?

It's not my ending!

This will be the last time any of us work.

Yeah, we're not gonna work because we have no bodies.

We're smeared!

That's another issue.

Can you move your hand please?

It's in an area that I don't feel comfortable with.

Move your hand.